Please help (or: What I want for Christmas)
Sandra Dodd
Randi Lee
Sandra Dodd
All my life I was given advice like this:
Be serious
Act your age
Don't take this lightly.Now, though, that I'm involved with unschooling I say to adults and to children alike, take this lightly. Play around.
bobcollier@...
---In [email protected], <Sandra@...> wrote :
Perhaps this is an opportunity for me to update the story of my son Patrick.
I’ve been a member of the Always Learning group since 2007 but haven't contributed for quite a while, so, for those newer members who are not familiar with the story, I live in Australia and my son Patrick, now 19, was removed from the school system here in December 2002 when he was seven (at the completion of "Year 1" as it's called) essentially because he had become chronically unhappy with school and his parents wanted him to be happy. I was at home and very willing to do what I could in the circumstances and in the end my son was unschooled for almost nine years.
(It might be worth mentioning here that, for my wife and I, removing our
son from school (and *not* replacing it with school at home) was a Big Decision
in view of the fact that my wife is a professional educator (university
lecturer among other things) and Patrick has a ten years older sister who had
been an outstanding student through 13 years in the school system, including
three years at a prestigious all-girls school in London before our family
emigrated to Australia where she excelled among the excellent, and who, in
the same week that Patrick was removed from school, graduated from Year 12 with
a University Admission Index score {"UAI") that put her in the top 1%
of students nationwide.)
I won't go into the details of Patrick's almost nine years of "growing without school" - though some bits and pieces will be on record here - except to say that although it wasn't a perfect experience, and some aspects of it were not as easy as others, it was a consistently positive one, and clearly in my mind now and always of greater benefit to my son than if he had spent those years in school. Overall, an experiment - and shared adventure - with pleasing outcomes.
However, it ran its course and this is what happened next.
In August 2011, just prior to his 16th birthday, Patrick chose to return to the K-12 system, joining a class offered by a local community college that gave him the opportunity to obtain a School Leaving Certificate ("Year 10 Certificate" as it's often called). This was a class designed as a second chance for teenagers who had gone through the school system but who had left without getting their "Year 10". There were 20 places in the class and about 30 candidates who were required to take a literacy and a numeracy test. Pat was the only candidate to score 100% on both tests - on either test in fact. We hadn't done a lot of prep for the tests, so I was kind of pleasantly surprised by that. I'd never tested him on anything myself. (I recall one time later somebody asked me if I'd kept a record of everything we did while he was out of school and I pointed to Patrick and said, "There's my record of everything we did".)
Patrick's transition from being free to stay up all night if he chose to to getting up at 7am to catch the bus to go to his classes went very smoothly. He decided for himself to practice with an alarm in the week prior to his first day and on the day off he went in good time. The only thing that didn't go smoothly was the level of interest in the different subjects. Pat was used to putting his energy only into what he was interested in and that didn't work with the Year 10 syllabus. Though he adapted to the requirements without difficulty, he did need parental input every now and then to ensure that he completed his assignments in the less appealing subjects. As much as was practicable, he studied at his own pace and in the end took 16 months to complete the syllabus, graduating in December 2012.
During Patrick’s Year 10 at college, he acquired an interest in the guitar from a fellow student and learned to play. On his graduation night, he was a member of the college rock band that performed during the interval.
Patrick then went on to another local college to study for his Higher School Certificate (“Year 12 Certificate”), a two year course, beginning in February 2013. At the end of that year, he decided he didn't want to go on to university and was able to drop courses he wasn’t interested in, which suited him perfectly.
Patrick’s main interests were his music classes and his German class. He learned to play the banjo, the mandolin and the ukulele. His music teacher said at his final Parent-Teacher evening before graduation that he had a greater attention to detail in his playing than nearly every other student in his class and was good enough as a musician to record. His German teacher had raved about him – “By far my best student!”. As an aside, Pat’s interest in German came from playing Guitar Hero (I know that because I used to play hours and hours of Guitar Hero with him). He wanted to understand the lyrics of the Rammstein songs.
In early 2013, I was inspired by my son’s musicianship to resume playing the fiddle after a break of 22 years. We often have jam sessions in the house now, mostly traditional music. He’s seriously good on that banjo.
Last week, Patrick graduated from Year 12 and is going on to study for a qualification in sound engineering. He has already had experience of sound mixing at live events as well as having had work experience in the music industry, so it looks at the moment as if this is his path.
All of Patrick’s teachers at both colleges he attended have remarked on what a lovely young man he is and that he was a pleasure to have in their class. Very gratifying. He is a smashing bloke.
This week, Pat and I have been playing sports sims on the PS3, games he bought on eBay that neither of us have played before. I’ve been feeling quite nostalgic as a matter of fact. Among other things to emerge from our game playing, wonder of wonders, I’ve started to understand what American football is all about! This is very reminiscent of one of the ways we learned so much ‘back in the day’. And I still can’t beat him at anything. But I don't mind. I enjoy the unhurried conversations. They were always a highlight..
Thank you Sandra, and Joyce and Pam and other people in this group who were so helpful to me when my son was "growing without school". It was and is and always will be greatly appreciated.
Bob
CASS KOTRBA
bragdontina@...
Tina
Randi Lee
maya9@...
For those starting out, worried that the kids won't read or the "how do you do math" question: Both my kids learned to read, effortlessly, with zero instruction beyond a few Sesame Street episodes and me reading and spelling anything they wanted me to. They get historical references. They have large vocabularies. My daughter reads novels for fun now. In our state there is mandatory year-end testing and my son tests off the charts in math (video games!), my daughter right at grade level, despite never "doing math". I say this, not because I put stock in those tests, but because it's a kind of external proof to those who do that the kids are doing fine, you don't have to teach reading or do math to get it, at least not at this level. In-laws are pacified by such test results and keep their comments mostly to themselves as a result. Really, you don't have to worry about that stuff, as long as their lives are interesting and full of cool things.
More importantly, we just have so much FUN. The kids are super busy with their projects and interests and friends. They are funny, generous, smart, articulate, interesting people stoked to get up in the morning and get to it. I just really love our life. And all of this is a result of a major overhaul in myself of how to do this parenting thing, how to be in relationship with my family, all as a direct result of what I've read here on this list, plus Pam Larrichia's books, and Rue Kream's book (LOVE), and Joyce's site, and listening to conference mp3s.... Not to mention the benefit my marriage has received.
I can't thank you all enough. And I'm still here, a decade in, reading. I should post, give back, we're just so busy. But thank you thank you thank you. Sandra, you have created a tremendous thing here. Thank you for your time and generous kindness. Merry Christmas.
Maya
Sandra Dodd
Deb Lewis
I've been on this wonderful list since its first days, and used to write
more often. Then I took care of my mom for awhile and didn't write as much.
There's a different story in there about how unschooling principles help in
other parts of life, and in other relationships, but I'll save that one for
another post. This one is about a grown up unschooler.
I got hurt in the fall, not seriously or permanently, but as Christmas got
closer I was still feeling hobbled and pitiful and decided I didn't have the
steam to put up a tree. We're not religious, but I like Christmas trees. I
like unpacking ornaments each year and rediscovering them; The old ones that
used to belong to my dad, the baby ornaments from Dylan's first Christmas,
twenty year old homemade cinnamon ornaments that still smell like cookies,
the gifts from friends, and the silly or beautiful ones we collected over
the years. I am not overly sentimental, but I enjoy this season of
nostalgia. I didn't decide to skip it lightly.
The Monday before Christmas, secretly and quietly, my son Dylan retrieved
the Christmas lights and garland from our crawl space under the eaves. Then,
after I went to bed Monday night, he set up our Christmas tree. He did it
all so quietly I didn't hear a thing. I came downstairs in the early morning
to a lighted Christmas tree! A Tuesday-before-Christmas miracle! Later that
day he fished the ornaments out of the crawl space and I got to unwrap them,
and remember, and smile.
This kind of thoughtfulness isn't exclusive to children who've been
unschooled, but it's one example of how sweet a relationship can continue to
be with grown children. Everything you do now, when your kids are young,
matters. All the little kindnesses matter, every little moment of sweetness
between you, every time you choose to be thoughtful of the smallest things.
Dylan is twenty two. He has a job at a small, private saw mill. The man who
operates it usually runs things on his own, milling blue pine, mostly for
custom orders. He knows my husband, David, and our family a little. When he
wanted help for a big order he asked Dylan. That order has long been filled.
He kept Dylan on. Dylan is kind of small, about 5'4, and slim. The man he
works for is a giant. The work is labor intensive and requires a lot of
lifting. He didn't hire Dylan because he was big and strong, he hired him
because he knew he could count on him.
I want to thank Sandra, and Pam, and Joyce for all their good thinking and
writing. It helped me decide every day, for years and years, to be better
and more thoughtful, to try harder and be involved. When I see the
adversarial relationships some of my friends have with their grown children,
I know things could have been very different for us. I'm grateful every day
for Sandra's dedication to making and keeping good, clear information easily
available (and free!) to people who want happier lives. Thank you so much!
Deb Lewis