"The List" mentioned below was UnschoolingDiscussion, and you can click here to jump to that section .
People find their own truth and freedom in their own ways and in their own time. If I hadn't been here for two years, I may not have been ready to face the cancer in my body. It is something I could not control or prepare myself for. Before unschooling you could say I was a fearful person on the verge of a breakdown. I kept coming here for my family, Knowing something had to change—me. It was hard. Some days I would come with everything good oozing out of me, I would read something that would trigger the need for more change. Of course I'm not a finished product, and hope to never be finished. Mostly, I just feel like the sun, shining happy rays of life on everything~ or like the moon, casting beams of dream and fancy~ or let's just say "it's a good thing". I feel that same joy coming from my children, all of them.
The 1st biggie for me was the food issue. I read, let them eat what they want & thought people had lost their minds. So, I tried it! Dakota wanted a cookie before breakfast and I said okay, but I'm cooking breakfast. She ate it (lil debbie), and turned to me and asked if she could have another one? Sure, I say (knowing good and well she wasn't gonna eat no breakfast afterwards). So she eats it, then breakfast was ready and she ate what she always eats (two pieces of sausage & a piece of toast). "Well that is a fluke," I say to myself, because everybody knows sweets BEFORE A MEAL ruin your appetite. So I am more determined with my experiment (to prove you all wrong) LOL. Do you want me to embarrass myself here:) Ya'll were right. Ya'll's experiences and your willingness to share them made Dakota and Shelby's life brighter.
Now the Sad truth about myself, that ya'll have made me realize is that while I don't believe in spanking, I am way way too verbal :( I was not honoring them because I am too damn bossy & controlling. So even though I say that I needed so desperately to find ya'll, it is really my whole family whose life ya'll have changed.
I talk abut ya'll so much to everybody, using your names and stories like you are my best friends. I feel like you all gave me your e-mail codes and let me dig through your personal life. I have so much in common with many of you that I feel like i've joined a secret club where (to me) people of like minds have chosen a higher path of parenting & living. I truly feel honored to call myself/kids, Unschoolers. Lookin forward to the ride:)
So, again thanks for your time spent on these boards. My new favorite word that I tell everybody is "MINDFUL" I will be more MINDFUL of the people in my life.
I am learning to read advice as straightforward and honest rather than critical. Hope to keep learning.
When you read a book by an "expert", you only get his/her view on the subject. But here on these boards you get all sorts of perspectives, some you may agree with and some you may not. The best thing here is, it's all real. It's people that are living it and discussing what they've lived.
More Lyle
The morning of my son's event, I got up early and made breakfast and got the kids ready. My dh woke up a little before we were to leave and he said he was going to get ready and go too. He chose to come with and he wanted to come with and his heart was really with us all because of that. If I would of made him come with he would have felt forced and I would have felt discontent because I had to make him go and know he didn't really want to be there. The way we I interact with my family now is so much better and there is so much more harmony in our home and our lives.
Yesterday a scary thing happened that pre unschooling I would have probably handled differently too. My 4yo son woke up crying that his head hurt and I saw that he had a purple bruise on his chin and just so happened he had a good fall the day before. He had hurt and scraped his arm, but never said anything about his head. I was worried and picked him up to take him to the couch to comfort him and he started to throw up all over. Really worried I called my dh and Dr. was told to take him into the ER because he could have a concussion. SO I got all the kids dressed and on the 20 minute drive to the hospital and after several prayers in my head to please let him be okay, he suddenly seemed much better. His ashen face was pink again, his head didn't hurt and he wasn't throwing up. He was laughing and wondering why we were rushing off to the Dr. My dh met us and wondered the same thing, but we decided to keep an eye on him for the rest of the day, have him take it easy and if he he showed any bad signs we would bring him in. We never took him in to the ER we decided to trust ourselves and my ds has been totally fine. Before I think I would have brought him in anyway, just to be sure and would've traumatized him by going in the ER. We went home I researched about concussions and reconfirmed we did what was right.
For me unschooling has taught me to not only trust my kids, but myself. I feel proud of the way we live our lives and I hope if anything we can set an example to others to make positive changes in the way they live their lives and how they interact with their families. Just the other day I was at the park and this woman was yelling and nagging at her kids, I was talking with mine and then they were off doing something and she started to talk to me and said my kids were well behaved and I had a lot of patience with them. I told her thank you, but what I wanted to tell her was that I give my kids the freedom to do what they want to do, I give them the respect they deserve , I talk to them, I don't order them and I don't yell at them or demean them.....I always hope that people like that woman will see by how I interact with my kids how wrong she is interacting with hers and change.
Unschooling has been a blessing to my life and I just felt like sharing it here today with those who truly understand.
The joy of that connection is spilling over onto other children in our lives. The other day, a little neighbor boy (4yo) was at our house — interestingly enough, all the neighbor kids suddenly LOVE our house — and his mom called him home for dinner. He had been happily pretending to be a puppy and didn't want to leave. He started to whine and 'dodge.' So, I went up to him and said, "Oh, look, a poor lost puppy. Let's go see if the people at that house over there will adopt him." He grinned and I led him home, where his mom adopted him, and he's never been happier to go home to dinner.
I don't know if that description conveys how profound a moment it was for me. Here was a child who was fully prepared to be scolded, coerced, perhaps even punished, but with two seconds of looking at his situation with compassion and appreciation for his desires, I was able to give him a joyful transition back into his mom's world.
I don't know if I'm making any sense. The feelings are too big to explain, a flood of love and joy and trust and rightness.
I can't tell you how grateful we are for finding this message board!
unschooling...i can't even begin to explain how it has changed my life. i have been reading these boards for so long now. i always thought i "got" it, but i think just in the last few months have i REALLY been "getting" it. everyday i wake up and i am so thankful for this way of life that i have found....mostly with the help of everybody here on this site (so a big loud THANK YOU to everyone here!). i just feel this wonderful inner vibration that resonates within my soul whenever i read about unschooling, and am filled with such a joyful feeling of knowing that we are on the greatest path. i love to read about the folks who have made drastic changes with the way they deal with their children. it is really inspiring to hear of stories where people change so much for the better.
Then, finished upstairs and went downstairs and finished up. It was about 9:45 pm and I was ready for sleep. He brought me a video he had wanted to see at dinnertime but which had gotten put off. I needed to get to bed but I had told him we'd watch the video. What to do? So, I told him that I remembered that I promised and we had to make a choice because it was so late. He got ready to protest (since in the past the video would have been dismissed because it was "so late"). I stopped the protest and gave him the choices: We could watch the video and snuggle then go to bed (no stories) or we could skip the video and do stories and snuggle or we could just go snuggle. He chose video and snuggle. So we watched the video snuggled on the couch and then went up to bed. Another triumph for stopping and reconsidering what and why - he can sleep in today (while I'm at work) so there was no need for him to be in bed right then and he was all relaxed and ready for bed by the time the video was over (it was VeggieTales Esther - a fairly relaxed video anyhow) rather than upset and wound up.
So thanks all - what could've been a tense and turbulent evening ended up pretty calm and quiet by simply backing off and looking at my needs, his needs, DH's needs and finding a balance among them instead of "I'm the mom that's why".
Many topics from the original folder called "Ask Sandra" can still be read here: Conversations with Sandra Dodd, in sections from the WayBack Machine, at the Internet Archive. I've brought some direct links to that page, on my site. The domain name is in its third incarnation, and is now a dishonest mess which you can read about here if you want. |
When we started unschooling and this list there was a lot of doubt if we were doing the right thing or not but just listening and watching Christopher and seeing how he has changed and what he has become wipes all that doubt away. We really do feel like wonderful parents now and it truly does show in our son. I wouldn't give that up for anything in the world!
I haven't posted much because I'm still in the reading, reading, reading stage. I mostly continue to just be in awe of all the postive changes in my children and our family since we embraced unschooling. There is so much wisdom as well as some superb writing being shared by those of you who post on both this discussion group and the message boards.
Just wanted to say Thanks!
It's becoming second nature. I still make occasional mistakes, like making power struggles and punishments over stupid things, but immediately it feels "off" and I can apologize and start over with ease.
I am so thankful, i never dreamed my relationship with my oldest Megan (turning 11 tomorrow, always a very challenging, difficult child) could be mostly joyful. The closeness, the enjoying being together, these things weren't there a few short years ago. It was a battlefield at home, school was a break from each other. Then battles about school at home, constantly. It hurts to say that, but I can't see how far we've come without admitting where we were.
I love this! We've been committed to unschooling for several months now and already my thinking has changed radically. It's like I have been blindfolded most of my life and now that it's been removed I am truly seeing. I am so glad we are doing this now while the kids are young. I'm excited for them.
I have loved reading everyone's thoughts about what to expect as our kids get older. I think it has heaps to do with the state of our relationship with them.
I've been thinking about all the times in the past when I have interrupted my kids and told them what to do ALL the time, been abrupt while giving orders and generally not taking them into consideration when organizing the day, something you seem to end up doing when you school-at-home. How could I expect that I wouldn't receive that same disrespect and lack of interest from them when they get older?
My relationship with my kids is so much better now that I am treating them like people and I know that they will be able to talk to me about what's happening in their lives 5-10 years from now and that they will listen to what I have to say because I can see them doing it now. Because they know I am interested and I am not going to be angry with them or make judgments. They know from experience that I will listen and be gentle with them. And all this has happened in just a few short months. WOW!
I know I keep saying it but thank you everyone. Life is so much better! This
list is one of the reasons that it is so.
As easy and comforting as it can be to sit around and chat with utterly like-minded, like-categoried folk, it is the people in any community who challenge me and keep me honest who keep me in the community. Who knew that a community of people in cyberspace could have more inpact on my parenting than my immediate family community? I am letting go of so many supposed convictions, ... well, at least realizing that they are beliefs and that they can be held upside down for a while to lose some dust.
If one's beliefs and convictions aren't challenged then how does one know if they are real? I am afraid that a kinder and gentler or other option would mean that someone else who is new to this and looking for real answers wouldn't stay on the challenging list long enough to "get it" if there were too many other options. I have to say that if I hadn't been instructed to just lurk here for a few weeks, and had another easy option next door I don't think I would have come close to getting it.
This list has done this for me as well. I don't often post because so many times people have already said what I wanted to say, only better. Keep it coming everyone, don't hold back. This is what is changing my life, the support and discussion I read every day.
I agree. I have only been here a short time and I have found it to be a very good tool while I am just getting started on my unschooling path. It is a very important goal for me and I have a lot to let go of to get there. The honesty and simplicity with which my requests have been answered is causing me to look at my self closely. That's not easy and I suppose one needs to be ready to do that in order for it to be helpful. I for one am grateful to be able to bend the ear of other folks who are living in a style I want for myself.
I am really grateful for this list.
Pam,
This is SO true!! I was just talking about this very thing with someone today..(Hi Paula:) and how it's difficult to communicate what you are REALLY saying online and how you can so totally disagree with people and want to just blast them!! But, I have learned so much and am more aware, respectful and kind towards my three,and a grandbaby!, and I'm grateful to all of you and thankful for this list.Melanie
If I were really mean as some people think, the meanest thing I could do would be to stop sharing anything about unschooling, or maybe even worse, tell everyone who comes along that they're on the right track and whatever they do will be great and unschooling is nothing special or particular, it's just whatever they want to think it is, have a nice day, I'm so glad you understand unschooling now.++++++
Some years back, I was quite taken aback by you and your comments and I didn't quite know what to think. But it was a good thing..it made me question everything and look deeper for answers. Very, very helpful to "get" unschooling.
I would rather someone be blunt and get to the point in order to help. You can find the "have a nice day" mentality everywhere.
And because you were so outspoken I really took notice...(shockingly at times 🙂 ). It gave me that extra jolt to think and question myself and my ways.
~marcia in MA
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