How could I haven handled this better?
emstrength3
Recently my 5 year old has been having a difficult time every time we go somewhere. These are all places she wants to go, but she complains about having to walk or having to take the bus. Yesterday, we went to dance class and we needed to take the bus there and walk home. She complained about taking the bus there ("I don't want to ride the bus! I want to walk! We never get to go on walks! Fine, if I can't walk there, I'm not going!") Once we got on the bus, she was fine until it was time to go home. ("I don't want to walk! I'm too tired, it's too hot, my legs hurt. Why can't we take the bus?! Fine, if I can't take the bus, I'm not going home!")
As we walked home, I told her that taking the bus and walking home is part of doing dance and gymnastics right now. I tried to brainstorm ideas to make walking easier for her, but the only thing I could come up with is that she could ride her bike once she learns how. I already bring food, water, comfortable shoes, we sing songs (ants go marching and that kind of thing).
Today, we took the bus to the library story time and back home. While walking to the bus stop and waiting for the bus, she was complaining about taking the bus ("I want to walk! We NEVER get to walk anywhere! I'm not getting on the bus!") So I told her (calmly, matter of factly) that I was tired of listening to her complain every time we went somewhere, and that tomorrow she can stay home with her dad while I take her sister to gymnastics, because I don't want to listen to it on the way home. Then I realized that that was really like punishment, so I said that she could go to gymnastics if we could come up with some ideas to make walking easier for her. She was not interested in brainstorming, she just started saying over and over "I want to go! I want to go!"
I told her that she could choose to sit there and cry about not going or she could choose to brainstorm ways to make walking easier so that she could go and get home without complaining, but it was her choice and crying about it wasn't going to change my mind.
We didn't talk about it again until we got home and she brought up my idea to ride her bike. That will be fine at some point, but right now, it needs to be fixed and she doesn't know how to ride it. So, we are going to work on that, but in the meantime, what do I do about gymnastics tomorrow? We have to take the bus there and walk home.
I don't like the way I handled it, but I don't know what else to do. Any ideas for making the walk easier and how I can handle future situations better?
Emily
(Ezabella 5, Liliana 3, Zaria 9 mo)
As we walked home, I told her that taking the bus and walking home is part of doing dance and gymnastics right now. I tried to brainstorm ideas to make walking easier for her, but the only thing I could come up with is that she could ride her bike once she learns how. I already bring food, water, comfortable shoes, we sing songs (ants go marching and that kind of thing).
Today, we took the bus to the library story time and back home. While walking to the bus stop and waiting for the bus, she was complaining about taking the bus ("I want to walk! We NEVER get to walk anywhere! I'm not getting on the bus!") So I told her (calmly, matter of factly) that I was tired of listening to her complain every time we went somewhere, and that tomorrow she can stay home with her dad while I take her sister to gymnastics, because I don't want to listen to it on the way home. Then I realized that that was really like punishment, so I said that she could go to gymnastics if we could come up with some ideas to make walking easier for her. She was not interested in brainstorming, she just started saying over and over "I want to go! I want to go!"
I told her that she could choose to sit there and cry about not going or she could choose to brainstorm ways to make walking easier so that she could go and get home without complaining, but it was her choice and crying about it wasn't going to change my mind.
We didn't talk about it again until we got home and she brought up my idea to ride her bike. That will be fine at some point, but right now, it needs to be fixed and she doesn't know how to ride it. So, we are going to work on that, but in the meantime, what do I do about gymnastics tomorrow? We have to take the bus there and walk home.
I don't like the way I handled it, but I don't know what else to do. Any ideas for making the walk easier and how I can handle future situations better?
Emily
(Ezabella 5, Liliana 3, Zaria 9 mo)
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
can you use a stroller? I see that you have other little ones . What about a double stroller? Or call a cab once in a while?
Alex Polikowsky
________________________________
From: emstrength3 <emstrength@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, September 28, 2011 4:33 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] How could I haven handled this better?
Recently my 5 year old has been having a difficult time every time we go somewhere. These are all places she wants to go, but she complains about having to walk or having to take the bus. Yesterday, we went to dance class and we needed to take the bus there and walk home. She complained about taking the bus there ("I don't want to ride the bus! I want to walk! We never get to go on walks! Fine, if I can't walk there, I'm not going!") Once we got on the bus, she was fine until it was time to go home. ("I don't want to walk! I'm too tired, it's too hot, my legs hurt. Why can't we take the bus?! Fine, if I can't take the bus, I'm not going home!")
As we walked home, I told her that taking the bus and walking home is part of doing dance and gymnastics right now. I tried to brainstorm ideas to make walking easier for her, but the only thing I could come up with is that she could ride her bike once she learns how. I already bring food, water, comfortable shoes, we sing songs (ants go marching and that kind of thing).
Today, we took the bus to the library story time and back home. While walking to the bus stop and waiting for the bus, she was complaining about taking the bus ("I want to walk! We NEVER get to walk anywhere! I'm not getting on the bus!") So I told her (calmly, matter of factly) that I was tired of listening to her complain every time we went somewhere, and that tomorrow she can stay home with her dad while I take her sister to gymnastics, because I don't want to listen to it on the way home. Then I realized that that was really like punishment, so I said that she could go to gymnastics if we could come up with some ideas to make walking easier for her. She was not interested in brainstorming, she just started saying over and over "I want to go! I want to go!"
I told her that she could choose to sit there and cry about not going or she could choose to brainstorm ways to make walking easier so that she could go and get home without complaining, but it was her choice and crying about it wasn't going to change my mind.
We didn't talk about it again until we got home and she brought up my idea to ride her bike. That will be fine at some point, but right now, it needs to be fixed and she doesn't know how to ride it. So, we are going to work on that, but in the meantime, what do I do about gymnastics tomorrow? We have to take the bus there and walk home.
I don't like the way I handled it, but I don't know what else to do. Any ideas for making the walk easier and how I can handle future situations better?
Emily
(Ezabella 5, Liliana 3, Zaria 9 mo)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Alex Polikowsky
________________________________
From: emstrength3 <emstrength@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, September 28, 2011 4:33 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] How could I haven handled this better?
Recently my 5 year old has been having a difficult time every time we go somewhere. These are all places she wants to go, but she complains about having to walk or having to take the bus. Yesterday, we went to dance class and we needed to take the bus there and walk home. She complained about taking the bus there ("I don't want to ride the bus! I want to walk! We never get to go on walks! Fine, if I can't walk there, I'm not going!") Once we got on the bus, she was fine until it was time to go home. ("I don't want to walk! I'm too tired, it's too hot, my legs hurt. Why can't we take the bus?! Fine, if I can't take the bus, I'm not going home!")
As we walked home, I told her that taking the bus and walking home is part of doing dance and gymnastics right now. I tried to brainstorm ideas to make walking easier for her, but the only thing I could come up with is that she could ride her bike once she learns how. I already bring food, water, comfortable shoes, we sing songs (ants go marching and that kind of thing).
Today, we took the bus to the library story time and back home. While walking to the bus stop and waiting for the bus, she was complaining about taking the bus ("I want to walk! We NEVER get to walk anywhere! I'm not getting on the bus!") So I told her (calmly, matter of factly) that I was tired of listening to her complain every time we went somewhere, and that tomorrow she can stay home with her dad while I take her sister to gymnastics, because I don't want to listen to it on the way home. Then I realized that that was really like punishment, so I said that she could go to gymnastics if we could come up with some ideas to make walking easier for her. She was not interested in brainstorming, she just started saying over and over "I want to go! I want to go!"
I told her that she could choose to sit there and cry about not going or she could choose to brainstorm ways to make walking easier so that she could go and get home without complaining, but it was her choice and crying about it wasn't going to change my mind.
We didn't talk about it again until we got home and she brought up my idea to ride her bike. That will be fine at some point, but right now, it needs to be fixed and she doesn't know how to ride it. So, we are going to work on that, but in the meantime, what do I do about gymnastics tomorrow? We have to take the bus there and walk home.
I don't like the way I handled it, but I don't know what else to do. Any ideas for making the walk easier and how I can handle future situations better?
Emily
(Ezabella 5, Liliana 3, Zaria 9 mo)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jenny Cyphers
***...what do I do about gymnastics tomorrow? We have to take the bus there and walk home.
I don't like the way I handled it, but I don't know what else to do. Any ideas for making the walk easier and how I can handle future situations better?***
What about walking TO gymnastics and taking the bus home, rather than the other way around. That makes sense given that the kids would me less tired on the way to somewhere than on the way home. Can you take a stroller or wagon with you for tired kids? Maybe dad can take the kid with the class, to class while you stay home and go on a pleasant, non rushed walk.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I don't like the way I handled it, but I don't know what else to do. Any ideas for making the walk easier and how I can handle future situations better?***
What about walking TO gymnastics and taking the bus home, rather than the other way around. That makes sense given that the kids would me less tired on the way to somewhere than on the way home. Can you take a stroller or wagon with you for tired kids? Maybe dad can take the kid with the class, to class while you stay home and go on a pleasant, non rushed walk.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-Yesterday, we went to dance class and we needed to take the bus there and walk home-=-
-=-...what do I do about gymnastics tomorrow? We have to take the bus there and walk home.-=-
It is way uphill on the way and downhill on the way back?
If it's level ground, why can't you walk to class and take the bus back (when you're tired and would like to get home more quickly)?
-=- We have to -=-
The "have to" alarm went off. http://sandradodd.com/haveto
-=-she was complaining about taking the bus ("I want to walk! We NEVER get to walk anywhere! I'm not getting on the bus!") So I told her (calmly, matter of factly) that I was tired of listening to her complain every time we went somewhere-=-
You made it about you. Sometimes that's fine, but you could have made a list of times you've walked, just to clarify that "never" wasn't true.
Just because someone wants to eat doesn't means she ALWAYS wants to eat. Just because I turn down food when I'm full doesn't mean I never want food again.
Sometimes someone might want to walk, but that doesn't mean she never wants to sit down, or never wants to take the bus.
It sounds like you're both dealing in extremes.
-=- She was not interested in brainstorming, she just started saying over and over "I want to go! I want to go!" -=-
Did you have snacks with you? A drink? Did you have a smile and a song? A toy?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
-=-...what do I do about gymnastics tomorrow? We have to take the bus there and walk home.-=-
It is way uphill on the way and downhill on the way back?
If it's level ground, why can't you walk to class and take the bus back (when you're tired and would like to get home more quickly)?
-=- We have to -=-
The "have to" alarm went off. http://sandradodd.com/haveto
-=-she was complaining about taking the bus ("I want to walk! We NEVER get to walk anywhere! I'm not getting on the bus!") So I told her (calmly, matter of factly) that I was tired of listening to her complain every time we went somewhere-=-
You made it about you. Sometimes that's fine, but you could have made a list of times you've walked, just to clarify that "never" wasn't true.
Just because someone wants to eat doesn't means she ALWAYS wants to eat. Just because I turn down food when I'm full doesn't mean I never want food again.
Sometimes someone might want to walk, but that doesn't mean she never wants to sit down, or never wants to take the bus.
It sounds like you're both dealing in extremes.
-=- She was not interested in brainstorming, she just started saying over and over "I want to go! I want to go!" -=-
Did you have snacks with you? A drink? Did you have a smile and a song? A toy?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-Why can't we take the bus?! Fine, if I can't take the bus, I'm not going home!")
-=-As we walked home, I told her that taking the bus and walking home is part of doing dance and gymnastics right now. -=-
Could you explain it to us? Why couldn't you take the bus back too?
I like the stroller suggestion.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
-=-As we walked home, I told her that taking the bus and walking home is part of doing dance and gymnastics right now. -=-
Could you explain it to us? Why couldn't you take the bus back too?
I like the stroller suggestion.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pam Laricchia
<< I told her that she could choose to sit there and cry about not going or she could choose to brainstorm ways to make walking easier so that she
could go and get home without complaining, but it was her choice and crying about it wasn't going to change my mind. >>
By continually emphasizing that it's *her choice* it can come across like you're laying the blame for your frustration at her feet. She's knows
you're frustrated. It's also likely she would prefer not to be crying, not to be upset, but her behaviour is all she can come up with in the moment -
she's gotten to point where she doesn't see any other choices. Telling her she's choosing to be upset isn't giving her any useful information to move
forward through the situation. It can help to look at things from her perspective. From there you may be able to suss out why she's thinking things
like "We never get to walk anywhere".
Cold starts to conversations with younger kids are challenging. They don't have much experience to draw on or to make connections to that help start
off brainstorming for solutions on their own. I've had better success when I start the ball rolling (in a calm and relaxed moment later, not during
the frustration), something like "I was thinking we could play XX on the bus ride home tomorrow to help it go faster." Or "Shall we bring YY with us
when we walk to gymnastics tomorrow?" Or vice versa.
Starting with your own suggestion shows her that you're thinking about it, about her. That you're making an effort to make things more pleasant for
her knowing that she wants to go. It also gives her a starting place to think about the situation herself. She may say "Oh, that'll be fun!" and it
will be something to look forward to about the bus or walk. Or she may say "No, I want to bring ZZ." Cool! Another idea. And don't hold her
"agreement" over her head if it doesn't work out the next time. Try something else. And something else. In the bigger picture, with every step in the
process you guys are figuring out ways to work things out together.
Pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
could go and get home without complaining, but it was her choice and crying about it wasn't going to change my mind. >>
By continually emphasizing that it's *her choice* it can come across like you're laying the blame for your frustration at her feet. She's knows
you're frustrated. It's also likely she would prefer not to be crying, not to be upset, but her behaviour is all she can come up with in the moment -
she's gotten to point where she doesn't see any other choices. Telling her she's choosing to be upset isn't giving her any useful information to move
forward through the situation. It can help to look at things from her perspective. From there you may be able to suss out why she's thinking things
like "We never get to walk anywhere".
Cold starts to conversations with younger kids are challenging. They don't have much experience to draw on or to make connections to that help start
off brainstorming for solutions on their own. I've had better success when I start the ball rolling (in a calm and relaxed moment later, not during
the frustration), something like "I was thinking we could play XX on the bus ride home tomorrow to help it go faster." Or "Shall we bring YY with us
when we walk to gymnastics tomorrow?" Or vice versa.
Starting with your own suggestion shows her that you're thinking about it, about her. That you're making an effort to make things more pleasant for
her knowing that she wants to go. It also gives her a starting place to think about the situation herself. She may say "Oh, that'll be fun!" and it
will be something to look forward to about the bus or walk. Or she may say "No, I want to bring ZZ." Cool! Another idea. And don't hold her
"agreement" over her head if it doesn't work out the next time. Try something else. And something else. In the bigger picture, with every step in the
process you guys are figuring out ways to work things out together.
Pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sadie Bugni
We have lots of littles and one thing we decided early on was to always have
a big enough stroller so that they have option to walk or ride. When we
hike, we only have a double jogging stroller so my husband and I each wear
front or backpacks to compensate for the lack of seats.
5 is still pretty little, so to expect walking on an adult's terms is kinda
unrealistic, I think. My kiddos havn't been ready to walk independently
until at least 6 or 7 full time.
At first, many of them want to walk when we go out so we usually start by
declaring that we're some kind of team (dinosaur or super hero or
whatever). They're usually enthusiastic at that point and so we keep it
going with stomping or flying or something along those lines. Yes, we get
strange looks often, but the kids are happy and we're moving along nicely.
We also play I spy or guessing games as we walk. This can get really fun if
we're at the zoo or museum. It amazes me to see the things they pick out of
the scenery.
I think the biggest thing is to keep it fun and recognize when they're done.
A good stroller and a positive attitude can go a long way.
Sadie Bugni
a big enough stroller so that they have option to walk or ride. When we
hike, we only have a double jogging stroller so my husband and I each wear
front or backpacks to compensate for the lack of seats.
5 is still pretty little, so to expect walking on an adult's terms is kinda
unrealistic, I think. My kiddos havn't been ready to walk independently
until at least 6 or 7 full time.
At first, many of them want to walk when we go out so we usually start by
declaring that we're some kind of team (dinosaur or super hero or
whatever). They're usually enthusiastic at that point and so we keep it
going with stomping or flying or something along those lines. Yes, we get
strange looks often, but the kids are happy and we're moving along nicely.
We also play I spy or guessing games as we walk. This can get really fun if
we're at the zoo or museum. It amazes me to see the things they pick out of
the scenery.
I think the biggest thing is to keep it fun and recognize when they're done.
A good stroller and a positive attitude can go a long way.
Sadie Bugni
On Sep 28, 2011 5:54 PM, "Sandra Dodd" <Sandra@...> wrote:
> -=-Yesterday, we went to dance class and we needed to take the bus there
and walk home-=-
> -=-...what do I do about gymnastics tomorrow? We have to take the bus
there and walk home.-=-
>
> It is way uphill on the way and downhill on the way back?
>
> If it's level ground, why can't you walk to class and take the bus back
(when you're tired and would like to get home more quickly)?
>
> -=- We have to -=-
>
> The "have to" alarm went off. http://sandradodd.com/haveto
>
> -=-she was complaining about taking the bus ("I want to walk! We NEVER get
to walk anywhere! I'm not getting on the bus!") So I told her (calmly,
matter of factly) that I was tired of listening to her complain every time
we went somewhere-=-
>
> You made it about you. Sometimes that's fine, but you could have made a
list of times you've walked, just to clarify that "never" wasn't true.
>
> Just because someone wants to eat doesn't means she ALWAYS wants to eat.
Just because I turn down food when I'm full doesn't mean I never want food
again.
>
> Sometimes someone might want to walk, but that doesn't mean she never
wants to sit down, or never wants to take the bus.
>
> It sounds like you're both dealing in extremes.
>
> -=- She was not interested in brainstorming, she just started saying over
and over "I want to go! I want to go!" -=-
>
> Did you have snacks with you? A drink? Did you have a smile and a song? A
toy?
>
> Sandra
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
emstrength3
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
Gymnastics is later in the evening and the bus does not run at all that late.
Whether we take the bus or walk, she complains and wants to do the other one, so I've made the decisions based on time of day (trying not to walk in the worst heat), how long the bus ride will be, trying to take the bus before class so they aren't tired from the walk during class, etc.
Thanks for the stroller suggestion. We don't own one and the budget is very tight right now. My husband is doing an little construction job right now that will end in a few weeks, and there is nothing else lined up.
Even if I could get one for free, I don't know if I would be willing to do that. The walk is less than a mile, and she has been capable of doing that since she was 3. She asks to go on hikes and walks where she walks that far. It would mean me pushing 85 pounds of children (including my 3 year old who does all or most of the walk without complaint) and carrying the baby on my back, plus struggling with it on the bus one way. I don't mind carrying my kids past the socially acceptable norm, or in this case pushing them (last summer I carried her at 4 years old on my back with her sister who was 2 on the front while I was pregnant fairly often. Now I carry the baby and my 3 year old), but think I'm done with my 5 year old.
Sometimes my husband comes with us and then we take the wagon and walk both ways, but he can't always come.
Emily
>Dance class ends at 5:15, the bus would not come to that stop until 6:05 and then we would have to ride it until 7 to get to the stop nearest our house which would still require several blocks of walking.
> -=-Why can't we take the bus?! Fine, if I can't take the bus, I'm not going home!")
>
> -=-As we walked home, I told her that taking the bus and walking home is part of doing dance and gymnastics right now. -=-
>
> Could you explain it to us? Why couldn't you take the bus back too?
>
> I like the stroller suggestion.
>
> Sandra
Gymnastics is later in the evening and the bus does not run at all that late.
Whether we take the bus or walk, she complains and wants to do the other one, so I've made the decisions based on time of day (trying not to walk in the worst heat), how long the bus ride will be, trying to take the bus before class so they aren't tired from the walk during class, etc.
Thanks for the stroller suggestion. We don't own one and the budget is very tight right now. My husband is doing an little construction job right now that will end in a few weeks, and there is nothing else lined up.
Even if I could get one for free, I don't know if I would be willing to do that. The walk is less than a mile, and she has been capable of doing that since she was 3. She asks to go on hikes and walks where she walks that far. It would mean me pushing 85 pounds of children (including my 3 year old who does all or most of the walk without complaint) and carrying the baby on my back, plus struggling with it on the bus one way. I don't mind carrying my kids past the socially acceptable norm, or in this case pushing them (last summer I carried her at 4 years old on my back with her sister who was 2 on the front while I was pregnant fairly often. Now I carry the baby and my 3 year old), but think I'm done with my 5 year old.
Sometimes my husband comes with us and then we take the wagon and walk both ways, but he can't always come.
Emily
Sandra Dodd
-=- And don't hold her
"agreement" over her head if it doesn't work out the next time. Try something else. And something else. In the bigger picture, with every step in the
process you guys are figuring out ways to work things out together.-=-
Good advice from Pam L. Also, remember she's older every time. You're not working longterm to figure out how to keep a five year old happy. Soon she won't be five anymore. You're helping her grow up into a thoughtful woman.
"As we get older and our kids grow up, we eventually come to realize that all the big things in our lives are really the direct result of how we've handled all the little things." �Pam Sorooshian, June 4, 2007
To read more by either or both of those wise moms named Pam:
http://sandradodd.com/pamsorooshian
http://sandradodd.com/pamlaricchia
(and each of those leads out to the writer's own site)
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
"agreement" over her head if it doesn't work out the next time. Try something else. And something else. In the bigger picture, with every step in the
process you guys are figuring out ways to work things out together.-=-
Good advice from Pam L. Also, remember she's older every time. You're not working longterm to figure out how to keep a five year old happy. Soon she won't be five anymore. You're helping her grow up into a thoughtful woman.
"As we get older and our kids grow up, we eventually come to realize that all the big things in our lives are really the direct result of how we've handled all the little things." �Pam Sorooshian, June 4, 2007
To read more by either or both of those wise moms named Pam:
http://sandradodd.com/pamsorooshian
http://sandradodd.com/pamlaricchia
(and each of those leads out to the writer's own site)
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
emstrength3
>I reminded her of the night before when we walked and she said the whole way home that she wanted to take the bus.
> You made it about you. Sometimes that's fine, but you could have made a list of times you've walked, just to clarify that "never" wasn't true. ======
====Did you have snacks with you? A drink? Did you have a smile and a song? A toy?===========
Yes, all of the above.
Emily
Tress Miles
When my daughter complains about something, it's almost always about
something else that has nothing to do with the original complaint. Is it
possible something else is going on? Can you look "beneath the surface?"
Tress
something else that has nothing to do with the original complaint. Is it
possible something else is going on? Can you look "beneath the surface?"
Tress
On Wed, Sep 28, 2011 at 7:45 PM, emstrength3 <emstrength@...> wrote:
> **
>
>
> >
> > You made it about you. Sometimes that's fine, but you could have made a
> list of times you've walked, just to clarify that "never" wasn't true.
> ======
>
> I reminded her of the night before when we walked and she said the whole
> way home that she wanted to take the bus.
>
> ====Did you have snacks with you? A drink? Did you have a smile and a song?
> A toy?===========
>
> Yes, all of the above.
>
> Emily
>
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-Even if I could get one for free, I don't know if I would be willing to do that-=-
-=-Whether we take the bus or walk, she complains and wants to do the other on-=-
So your daughter is kind of like you? Because people have cheerfully made suggestions, and you've said no, that's not what you want. Even if it was free, you wouldn't want it.
-=-Now I carry the baby and my 3 year old), but think I'm done with my 5 year old. -=-
You wrote this: I'm done with my 5 year old.
That's a very strong thing to write. Not willing to push her, might take the bicycle she doesn't know how to ride yet (that sounded very, very dangerous when you wrote it before, and you know you would end up lifting it in and out of a bus, and then probably walking it along the road, but that was on your list of possibilities)....
I have no idea what you expected us to recommend.
If you're done with your five year old, you could put her up for adoption. It sounds like she's never happy and you're not willing to compromise.
Yeah, that's very extreme, on purpose. Will you choose to keep her? Can you find the joy in the situation? Maybe not going to the dance class would be better, if it's causing so much grief.
Just because a child can read, sometimes parents stop reading to them. Because a child can read Hop on Pop, the parent won't read Treasure Island to him. Sometimes a three year old can walk a long way, for a three year old, but for her to learn that her mother will never carry her again seems harsh. Not even in a stroller?
It might help to think of the principle of the thing and of your priorities. The purpose of walking home is to get home. MAYBE it would be more fun to do something and wait for the later bus than to endure the unhappiness. Maybe if being home is important, staying home would solve the problem.
Sandra
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
-=-Whether we take the bus or walk, she complains and wants to do the other on-=-
So your daughter is kind of like you? Because people have cheerfully made suggestions, and you've said no, that's not what you want. Even if it was free, you wouldn't want it.
-=-Now I carry the baby and my 3 year old), but think I'm done with my 5 year old. -=-
You wrote this: I'm done with my 5 year old.
That's a very strong thing to write. Not willing to push her, might take the bicycle she doesn't know how to ride yet (that sounded very, very dangerous when you wrote it before, and you know you would end up lifting it in and out of a bus, and then probably walking it along the road, but that was on your list of possibilities)....
I have no idea what you expected us to recommend.
If you're done with your five year old, you could put her up for adoption. It sounds like she's never happy and you're not willing to compromise.
Yeah, that's very extreme, on purpose. Will you choose to keep her? Can you find the joy in the situation? Maybe not going to the dance class would be better, if it's causing so much grief.
Just because a child can read, sometimes parents stop reading to them. Because a child can read Hop on Pop, the parent won't read Treasure Island to him. Sometimes a three year old can walk a long way, for a three year old, but for her to learn that her mother will never carry her again seems harsh. Not even in a stroller?
It might help to think of the principle of the thing and of your priorities. The purpose of walking home is to get home. MAYBE it would be more fun to do something and wait for the later bus than to endure the unhappiness. Maybe if being home is important, staying home would solve the problem.
Sandra
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
emstrength3
========= By continually emphasizing that it's *her choice* it can come across like you're laying the blame for your frustration at her feet. She's knows
Now I totally get that in this situation I was the one who was setting up the choices (either brainstorm ideas so you are ok on the walk home or I won't let you go), so it would be my fault that she couldn't go if I didn't let her go. That's why I didn't feel right about saying that this time. But I don't know what to say in those situations!
Emily
> you're frustrated. It's also likely she would prefer not to be crying, not to be upset, but her behaviour is all she can come up with in the moment -This is something I have been trying to work out in my own mind lately. Often I try to help her brainstorm ideas and help in other ways and she just gets stuck. She won't move past whatever she is upset about. I validate her feelings, give her time and space, but ultimately it's like she is blaming me for her upset when I have done everything in my power to help. I don't want her growing up with a victim mentality ("I can't do anything. Everyone is out to make my life miserable."), so I get to a point when I say things like that. "You can cry about it or you can do xyz (and I always give ideas) to change it."
> she's gotten to point where she doesn't see any other choices. Telling her she's choosing to be upset isn't giving her any useful information to move
> forward through the situation. ============
Now I totally get that in this situation I was the one who was setting up the choices (either brainstorm ideas so you are ok on the walk home or I won't let you go), so it would be my fault that she couldn't go if I didn't let her go. That's why I didn't feel right about saying that this time. But I don't know what to say in those situations!
Emily
Rippy Dusseldorp
We used a walking bike to get to places when the children were younger and my 4 year old still uses hers to get around. I found a second hand bike like this one: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Puky-LR-M/dp/B003MXRLLS
We also play lots of games when we are walking, taking the bus or going by train - trying to catch and squish each other's shadows, going on an alphabet walk, learning the lyrics of a favourite song together, playing I Spy games (where we make drawings of things we might see while we are traveling and then checking them off), word association games, rhyming games, "if I could have anything in the world" type games, creating a story together, etc.
For my two children, 4 and 6, the journey has to be an event on its own. Something special and exciting, otherwise it's much more stressful for all of us.
Rippy
We also play lots of games when we are walking, taking the bus or going by train - trying to catch and squish each other's shadows, going on an alphabet walk, learning the lyrics of a favourite song together, playing I Spy games (where we make drawings of things we might see while we are traveling and then checking them off), word association games, rhyming games, "if I could have anything in the world" type games, creating a story together, etc.
For my two children, 4 and 6, the journey has to be an event on its own. Something special and exciting, otherwise it's much more stressful for all of us.
Rippy
Lyla Wolfenstein
I am confused by why u have to take the bus there if it's walking distance
and walk back if there's a bus? lyla
and walk back if there's a bus? lyla
On Sep 28, 2011 2:33 PM, "emstrength3" <emstrength@...> wrote:
> Recently my 5 year old has been having a difficult time every time we go
somewhere. These are all places she wants to go, but she complains about
having to walk or having to take the bus. Yesterday, we went to dance class
and we needed to take the bus there and walk home. She complained about
taking the bus there ("I don't want to ride the bus! I want to walk! We
never get to go on walks! Fine, if I can't walk there, I'm not going!") Once
we got on the bus, she was fine until it was time to go home. ("I don't want
to walk! I'm too tired, it's too hot, my legs hurt. Why can't we take the
bus?! Fine, if I can't take the bus, I'm not going home!")
>
> As we walked home, I told her that taking the bus and walking home is part
of doing dance and gymnastics right now. I tried to brainstorm ideas to make
walking easier for her, but the only thing I could come up with is that she
could ride her bike once she learns how. I already bring food, water,
comfortable shoes, we sing songs (ants go marching and that kind of thing).
>
> Today, we took the bus to the library story time and back home. While
walking to the bus stop and waiting for the bus, she was complaining about
taking the bus ("I want to walk! We NEVER get to walk anywhere! I'm not
getting on the bus!") So I told her (calmly, matter of factly) that I was
tired of listening to her complain every time we went somewhere, and that
tomorrow she can stay home with her dad while I take her sister to
gymnastics, because I don't want to listen to it on the way home. Then I
realized that that was really like punishment, so I said that she could go
to gymnastics if we could come up with some ideas to make walking easier for
her. She was not interested in brainstorming, she just started saying over
and over "I want to go! I want to go!"
>
> I told her that she could choose to sit there and cry about not going or
she could choose to brainstorm ways to make walking easier so that she could
go and get home without complaining, but it was her choice and crying about
it wasn't going to change my mind.
>
> We didn't talk about it again until we got home and she brought up my idea
to ride her bike. That will be fine at some point, but right now, it needs
to be fixed and she doesn't know how to ride it. So, we are going to work on
that, but in the meantime, what do I do about gymnastics tomorrow? We have
to take the bus there and walk home.
>
> I don't like the way I handled it, but I don't know what else to do. Any
ideas for making the walk easier and how I can handle future situations
better?
>
> Emily
>
> (Ezabella 5, Liliana 3, Zaria 9 mo)
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
emstrength3
=========You wrote this: I'm done with my 5 year old.========
I meant done carrying/pushing her on a regular basis. I wouldn't mind if she were an only child or even with 2 kids (like I said, I have carried her a LOT and didn't mind), but I have 2 younger ones and only so much energy and strength.
Can you find the joy in the situation? Maybe not going to the dance class would be better, if it's causing so much grief.=========
I offered that and she said she wants to continue, so I was trying to come up with ideas to make walking or taking the bus easier. I do try to make it fun- we play I Spy on the bus and sing songs while we walk.
======Just because a child can read, sometimes parents stop reading to them. Because a child can read Hop on Pop, the parent won't read Treasure Island to him. Sometimes a three year old can walk a long way, for a three year old, but for her to learn that her mother will never carry her again seems harsh. Not even in a stroller?=========
I do carry my three year old when she needs me to. I just did it yesterday with the baby on my back and a heavy bag in my arms while my 5 year old lagged behind complaining about how hard it was to walk.
Emily
I meant done carrying/pushing her on a regular basis. I wouldn't mind if she were an only child or even with 2 kids (like I said, I have carried her a LOT and didn't mind), but I have 2 younger ones and only so much energy and strength.
Can you find the joy in the situation? Maybe not going to the dance class would be better, if it's causing so much grief.=========
I offered that and she said she wants to continue, so I was trying to come up with ideas to make walking or taking the bus easier. I do try to make it fun- we play I Spy on the bus and sing songs while we walk.
======Just because a child can read, sometimes parents stop reading to them. Because a child can read Hop on Pop, the parent won't read Treasure Island to him. Sometimes a three year old can walk a long way, for a three year old, but for her to learn that her mother will never carry her again seems harsh. Not even in a stroller?=========
I do carry my three year old when she needs me to. I just did it yesterday with the baby on my back and a heavy bag in my arms while my 5 year old lagged behind complaining about how hard it was to walk.
Emily
emstrength3
> I am confused by why u have to take the bus there if it's walking distanceBecause if we walk there, they will be tired during the class and even more exhausted on the walk home. When my husband can come with us, we do walk there if they want to and we bring the wagon.
> and walk back if there's a bus? lyla
After gymnastics, the bus does not run that late. After dance, the timing would mean getting home 2 hours after class gets out (and still walking home from the bus stop) rather than walking and getting home in 20 minutes.
emstrength3
==== So your daughter is kind of like you? Because people have cheerfully made suggestions, and you've said no, that's not what you want. Even if it was free, you wouldn't want it.======
I'm sorry, I realized I am just arguing with the suggestions. I'm sure she does get it from me!
I do appreciate the ideas.
Emily
I'm sorry, I realized I am just arguing with the suggestions. I'm sure she does get it from me!
I do appreciate the ideas.
Emily
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
<<<Even if I could get one for free, I don't know if I would be willing to do that. The walk is less than a mile, and she has been capable of doing that since she was 3. She asks to go on hikes and walks where she walks that far. It would mean me pushing 85 pounds of children (including my 3 year old who does all or most of the walk without complaint) and carrying the baby on my back, plus struggling with it on the bus one way. I don't mind carrying my kids past the socially acceptable norm, or in this case pushing them (last summer I carried her at 4 years old on my back with her sister who was 2 on the front while I was pregnant fairly often. Now I carry the baby and my 3 year old), but think I'm done with my 5 year old. >>>
So you are unwilling to do anything that may help your daughter?? Why did you ask her then? Did you want people to say it was OK to make her walk without complaining ?
Maybe she rather not go to gymnastics and dance.
Maye walk back and forth with a stroller does not mean she and the 3 year old will want to ride the whole time in it.
I used to take my stroller everywhere ( a jogging one with fat wheels that can go on rough terrain). It was a life saver sometimes and it was great to take stuff in it like water, extra clothes and snacks. Sometimes I took it just to carry stuff!
I am debating this Friday if I should take it to the Renaissance Fair we are going ( I did take last year mostly to carry stuff). My daughter is 5 and we will be walking all day and the stroller is awesome to carry stuff.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
So you are unwilling to do anything that may help your daughter?? Why did you ask her then? Did you want people to say it was OK to make her walk without complaining ?
Maybe she rather not go to gymnastics and dance.
Maye walk back and forth with a stroller does not mean she and the 3 year old will want to ride the whole time in it.
I used to take my stroller everywhere ( a jogging one with fat wheels that can go on rough terrain). It was a life saver sometimes and it was great to take stuff in it like water, extra clothes and snacks. Sometimes I took it just to carry stuff!
I am debating this Friday if I should take it to the Renaissance Fair we are going ( I did take last year mostly to carry stuff). My daughter is 5 and we will be walking all day and the stroller is awesome to carry stuff.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Rinelle
<<<Even if I could get one for free, I don't know if I would be willing to
do that. The walk is less than a mile, and she has been capable of doing
that since she was 3. She asks to go on hikes and walks where she walks
that far. It would mean me pushing 85 pounds of children (including my 3
year old who does all or most of the walk without complaint) and carrying
the baby on my back, plus struggling with it on the bus one way. I don't
mind carrying my kids past the socially acceptable norm, or in this case
pushing them (last summer I carried her at 4 years old on my back with her
sister who was 2 on the front while I was pregnant fairly often. Now I
carry the baby and my 3 year old), but think I'm done with my 5 year old.
(Admittedly she is not heavy for her age). Piggy backs are good for kids
who are a little bigger and heavier. Certainly if we were having to walk
frequently, I'd pull out the pram and push her if she wasn't wanting to
walk. When she was a few years younger, we used to go to the markets each
week for fresh fruit and veg. My mum bought a second hand pram to carry our
fruit and veg, but of course, my then 5yo wanted to ride in it. It made
taking her to the markets far more pleasant for her, so my mum and I, and
later just me when my mum moved away, would push her and our fruit and veg
around the markets, in a very old pram, on rough dirt.gravel paths. Was it
easy? No. But my daughter didn't really want to be there, and was only
there because of my need. I could argue that she benefited from the fruit
and veg too, but still, it was my choice to be there at that time.
Even now, when we're shopping, she will ride in the trolley rather than walk
around the shops by herself. This isn't to say she doesn't walk anywhere.
She loves going on hikes/bushwalks, and has no trouble walking a 3km (about
2 miles?) track. But sometimes she doesn't want to walk.
I can see that you are frustrated by your daughter wanting to do whatever
you're not wanting to do at the time (walk when you want to bus, bus when
you want to walk), rather than just by her not walking, but I think what is
stressing her (or what would be stressing my daughter in a similar
situation), is not having a choice in which you do. Is it possible to leave
early enough that if your daughter says she wants to walk when you're at the
bus stop, you can say OK? And if she wants to catch the bus on the way
back, explain that that will mean waiting, and let her sometimes make that
choice. Perhaps she will choose to walk anyway after waiting for a bit,
perhaps not, but I'm willing to bet that if she knows she will be able to
have a say in which you do, then she will be more willing to work with you
on finding solutions.
It sounds to me like you have made a decision about how it is to be done,
and you're not willing to budge, for any reason. I suspect this is what is
making your daughter so unhappy, rather than the actual fact of either
walking or taking the bus.
Tamara
do that. The walk is less than a mile, and she has been capable of doing
that since she was 3. She asks to go on hikes and walks where she walks
that far. It would mean me pushing 85 pounds of children (including my 3
year old who does all or most of the walk without complaint) and carrying
the baby on my back, plus struggling with it on the bus one way. I don't
mind carrying my kids past the socially acceptable norm, or in this case
pushing them (last summer I carried her at 4 years old on my back with her
sister who was 2 on the front while I was pregnant fairly often. Now I
carry the baby and my 3 year old), but think I'm done with my 5 year old.
>>>My daughter is 7 this year, and I still carry her when she gets tired.
(Admittedly she is not heavy for her age). Piggy backs are good for kids
who are a little bigger and heavier. Certainly if we were having to walk
frequently, I'd pull out the pram and push her if she wasn't wanting to
walk. When she was a few years younger, we used to go to the markets each
week for fresh fruit and veg. My mum bought a second hand pram to carry our
fruit and veg, but of course, my then 5yo wanted to ride in it. It made
taking her to the markets far more pleasant for her, so my mum and I, and
later just me when my mum moved away, would push her and our fruit and veg
around the markets, in a very old pram, on rough dirt.gravel paths. Was it
easy? No. But my daughter didn't really want to be there, and was only
there because of my need. I could argue that she benefited from the fruit
and veg too, but still, it was my choice to be there at that time.
Even now, when we're shopping, she will ride in the trolley rather than walk
around the shops by herself. This isn't to say she doesn't walk anywhere.
She loves going on hikes/bushwalks, and has no trouble walking a 3km (about
2 miles?) track. But sometimes she doesn't want to walk.
I can see that you are frustrated by your daughter wanting to do whatever
you're not wanting to do at the time (walk when you want to bus, bus when
you want to walk), rather than just by her not walking, but I think what is
stressing her (or what would be stressing my daughter in a similar
situation), is not having a choice in which you do. Is it possible to leave
early enough that if your daughter says she wants to walk when you're at the
bus stop, you can say OK? And if she wants to catch the bus on the way
back, explain that that will mean waiting, and let her sometimes make that
choice. Perhaps she will choose to walk anyway after waiting for a bit,
perhaps not, but I'm willing to bet that if she knows she will be able to
have a say in which you do, then she will be more willing to work with you
on finding solutions.
It sounds to me like you have made a decision about how it is to be done,
and you're not willing to budge, for any reason. I suspect this is what is
making your daughter so unhappy, rather than the actual fact of either
walking or taking the bus.
Tamara
Jo
I'm wondering if your daughter would like a bit more control. Could you ask her if she really wants to go, and if she does, explain the ways of getting there/home and ask which she would like to do?
I notice she is your eldest isn't she?, I wonder if she would like to be treated a little bit 'grown up', and get to make the sort of decisions and planning mummy gets to make.
Maybe you are over-thinking the potential 'problems' (the wait, the late return etc.), at the expense of your daughter's sense of autonomy and choice?
I also just thought about a scooter, my son loves his and it's easy to carry and take on buses when he's had enough.
All the best,
Jo
I notice she is your eldest isn't she?, I wonder if she would like to be treated a little bit 'grown up', and get to make the sort of decisions and planning mummy gets to make.
Maybe you are over-thinking the potential 'problems' (the wait, the late return etc.), at the expense of your daughter's sense of autonomy and choice?
I also just thought about a scooter, my son loves his and it's easy to carry and take on buses when he's had enough.
All the best,
Jo
On 29 Sep 2011, at 01:22, BRIAN POLIKOWSKY <polykowholsteins@...> wrote:
>
>
> <<<Even if I could get one for free, I don't know if I would be willing to do that. The walk is less than a mile, and she has been capable of doing that since she was 3. She asks to go on hikes and walks where she walks that far. It would mean me pushing 85 pounds of children (including my 3 year old who does all or most of the walk without complaint) and carrying the baby on my back, plus struggling with it on the bus one way. I don't mind carrying my kids past the socially acceptable norm, or in this case pushing them (last summer I carried her at 4 years old on my back with her sister who was 2 on the front while I was pregnant fairly often. Now I carry the baby and my 3 year old), but think I'm done with my 5 year old. >>>
>
> So you are unwilling to do anything that may help your daughter?? Why did you ask her then? Did you want people to say it was OK to make her walk without complaining ?
> Maybe she rather not go to gymnastics and dance.
> Maye walk back and forth with a stroller does not mean she and the 3 year old will want to ride the whole time in it.
> I used to take my stroller everywhere ( a jogging one with fat wheels that can go on rough terrain). It was a life saver sometimes and it was great to take stuff in it like water, extra clothes and snacks. Sometimes I took it just to carry stuff!
> I am debating this Friday if I should take it to the Renaissance Fair we are going ( I did take last year mostly to carry stuff). My daughter is 5 and we will be walking all day and the stroller is awesome to carry stuff.
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sadie Bugni
I'm not sure how to quote things on my phone, but your response about having
2 children younger than the 5yo doesn't change the fact that she's only 5.
My husband and I decided to have a large family, but we agreed that it was
still important to keep a small family mentality, meaning that we needed to
find joyful ways to be with all our kids and not take away from their
experiences because they had younger sibs. We've travel all over the US, do
lots of theme parks and other day to day activities that many would see
reserved for those with 1 or 2 or 3 kids.
I have had a quad stroller, triple stroller, double with a walking child
seat and many slings and backpacks. Right now we usually use our triple,
but often 2 or more seats are empty for most of the trip. It sure is useful
to have them instead of making littles walk though.
My sil has always made 4yo her cutoff for stroller use, and they hardly
ever want to go anywhere because the kids complain too much. She chooses
not go many places with us because she says it's about her and how much she
can handle and not the kids. They really do miss out on a lot because they
have shifted the focus from fun to arbitrary social norms for stroller use,
carrying, ect.
Sadie Bugni
2 children younger than the 5yo doesn't change the fact that she's only 5.
My husband and I decided to have a large family, but we agreed that it was
still important to keep a small family mentality, meaning that we needed to
find joyful ways to be with all our kids and not take away from their
experiences because they had younger sibs. We've travel all over the US, do
lots of theme parks and other day to day activities that many would see
reserved for those with 1 or 2 or 3 kids.
I have had a quad stroller, triple stroller, double with a walking child
seat and many slings and backpacks. Right now we usually use our triple,
but often 2 or more seats are empty for most of the trip. It sure is useful
to have them instead of making littles walk though.
My sil has always made 4yo her cutoff for stroller use, and they hardly
ever want to go anywhere because the kids complain too much. She chooses
not go many places with us because she says it's about her and how much she
can handle and not the kids. They really do miss out on a lot because they
have shifted the focus from fun to arbitrary social norms for stroller use,
carrying, ect.
Sadie Bugni
On Sep 28, 2011 8:33 PM, "emstrength3" <emstrength@...> wrote:
>
> =========You wrote this: I'm done with my 5 year old.========
>
> I meant done carrying/pushing her on a regular basis. I wouldn't mind if
she were an only child or even with 2 kids (like I said, I have carried her
a LOT and didn't mind), but I have 2 younger ones and only so much energy
and strength.
>
>
> Can you find the joy in the situation? Maybe not going to the dance class
would be better, if it's causing so much grief.=========
>
>
> I offered that and she said she wants to continue, so I was trying to come
up with ideas to make walking or taking the bus easier. I do try to make it
fun- we play I Spy on the bus and sing songs while we walk.
>
>
> ======Just because a child can read, sometimes parents stop reading to
them. Because a child can read Hop on Pop, the parent won't read Treasure
Island to him. Sometimes a three year old can walk a long way, for a three
year old, but for her to learn that her mother will never carry her again
seems harsh. Not even in a stroller?=========
>
> I do carry my three year old when she needs me to. I just did it yesterday
with the baby on my back and a heavy bag in my arms while my 5 year old
lagged behind complaining about how hard it was to walk.
>
>
> Emily
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
emstrength3
==========We also play lots of games when we are walking, taking the bus or going by train - trying to catch and squish each other's shadows, going on an alphabet walk, learning the lyrics of a favourite song together, playing I Spy games (where we make drawings of things we might see while we are traveling and then checking them off), word association games, rhyming games, "if I could have anything in the world" type games, creating a story together, etc.========
Thank you! Would an alphabet walk be where you try to find the letters on signs and license plates? I had forgotten about that game, but I used to love it when I was a kid. I will suggest that to her. And the others are great too. I will try those!
Emily
Thank you! Would an alphabet walk be where you try to find the letters on signs and license plates? I had forgotten about that game, but I used to love it when I was a kid. I will suggest that to her. And the others are great too. I will try those!
Emily
emstrength3
======== It sounds to me like you have made a decision about how it is to be done,
Emily
> and you're not willing to budge, for any reason. I suspect this is what isYou are probably right. I am really feeling the inconvenience of not having a car. Things that would take a 10 minute drive now take leaving 20 minutes early to get to the bus stop, and sometimes nearly an hour on the bus and then doing it all again on the way back. So I've been making the choices that take into consideration all the factors and try to make it *easiest* on all of us, regardless of what we *want* to do. With most things, I do take everyone's desires into account, but I guess I'm not being very flexible about this.
> making your daughter so unhappy, rather than the actual fact of either
> walking or taking the bus.=======
Emily
Bernadette Lynn
On 29 September 2011 01:09, emstrength3 <emstrength@...> wrote:
bottom with a baby on your back would be harder than carrying two children
and a bag? I always found it much easier to take the buggy than to carry
more than one child - I have sometimes had three children sitting one in
front of the other in my single buggy (with the seat laid flat) plus bags
and coats in the bottom; even when I was pregnant with the fourth that was
easier than trying to carry everything and everyone. On one or two occasions
I've had all four of them in the buggy, even when the eldest was 8 or 9.
If a buggy is out of the question I would second the suggestion of a
scooter; if you can't afford one you could try looking on Freecycle.
Another thing you could try maybe is to find somewhere to sit and rest for
half an hour after the lesson, with a drink and a snack, before walking
home. Even if your child can manage the distance, it may be too much on top
of a dancing or gymnastics lesson, so finding somewhere to rest in between
might make a difference.
Bernadette.
--
http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/U15459
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> =================Are you sure that pushing a double buggy with two children and a bag in the
>
> I do carry my three year old when she needs me to. I just did it yesterday
> with the baby on my back and a heavy bag in my arms while my 5 year old
> lagged behind complaining about how hard it was to walk.
>
> =================
>
bottom with a baby on your back would be harder than carrying two children
and a bag? I always found it much easier to take the buggy than to carry
more than one child - I have sometimes had three children sitting one in
front of the other in my single buggy (with the seat laid flat) plus bags
and coats in the bottom; even when I was pregnant with the fourth that was
easier than trying to carry everything and everyone. On one or two occasions
I've had all four of them in the buggy, even when the eldest was 8 or 9.
If a buggy is out of the question I would second the suggestion of a
scooter; if you can't afford one you could try looking on Freecycle.
Another thing you could try maybe is to find somewhere to sit and rest for
half an hour after the lesson, with a drink and a snack, before walking
home. Even if your child can manage the distance, it may be too much on top
of a dancing or gymnastics lesson, so finding somewhere to rest in between
might make a difference.
Bernadette.
--
http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/U15459
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Rippy Dusseldorp
===Would an alphabet walk be where you try to find the letters on signs and license plates?====
Yes.
I carry a small notebook that fits in the back pocket of my jeans with all sorts of different games. It's an old habit of mine from being a play leader for my city's parks and recreation department when I was in my late teens. Maybe you can get books such as the following from the library for inspiration:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Great-Big-Book-Childrens-Games/dp/0071422463/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1317280669&sr=8-1
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Games-Learning-Peggy-Kaye/dp/0374522863/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317280730&sr=1-1
There's often fantastic game ideas suggested on this list and I try to note them in my little book.
The advice I got when I was training to be a play leader was to keep the games light, playful, imaginative and fun. And to change the game as soon as the enthusiasm shows signs of waning. It's good advice that has helped me with unschooling too.
Rippy
Yes.
I carry a small notebook that fits in the back pocket of my jeans with all sorts of different games. It's an old habit of mine from being a play leader for my city's parks and recreation department when I was in my late teens. Maybe you can get books such as the following from the library for inspiration:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Great-Big-Book-Childrens-Games/dp/0071422463/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1317280669&sr=8-1
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Games-Learning-Peggy-Kaye/dp/0374522863/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317280730&sr=1-1
There's often fantastic game ideas suggested on this list and I try to note them in my little book.
The advice I got when I was training to be a play leader was to keep the games light, playful, imaginative and fun. And to change the game as soon as the enthusiasm shows signs of waning. It's good advice that has helped me with unschooling too.
Rippy
Schuyler
======Just because a child can read, sometimes parents stop reading to them.
Because a child can read Hop on Pop, the parent won't read Treasure Island to
him. Sometimes a three year old can walk a long way, for a three year old, but
for her to learn that her mother will never carry her again seems harsh. Not
even in a stroller?=========
I do carry my three year old when she needs me to. I just did it yesterday with
the baby on my back and a heavy bag in my arms while my 5 year old lagged behind
complaining about how hard it was to walk.
-------------------------------------------------------------
For a 5 year old it is hard to walk. Even if for you it was harder, you were
choosing, fully choosing your actions. Your 5 year old was marching to your
drummer. Your 5 year old didn't make you have a 3 year old or another baby. Your
5 year old may have been happier if you'd stopped with her. You've made a bunch
of choices that aren't her choices and then you tell her given the choices I've
made you have to live this life. And you resent her for not carrying on in good
style alongside you. Instead of hating all the weight that you were hauling,
could you have taken more breaks? Could you have talked about how heavy
everything is and how sometimes it's hard for you to walk, too? Shared the moan
with your daughters, your 3 year old and your 5 year old. Sorted through the bag
and figured out what weighed the most and moaned about that thing.
5 seems so young when my children are 14 and 11. I can remember, though, that
Simon seemed old enough at 5 when Linnaea was 2. Sort of punishment for him that
because he was relatively older I was expecting him to be absolutely older.
Things were much better when I saw that he was ready to do what he was ready to
do and that however old he was didn't come into it.
Can you go out less? Can you get things delivered? Can you think bigger than if
I can carry a baby, a 3 year old and a heavy bag she can at least walk?
Schuyler
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Because a child can read Hop on Pop, the parent won't read Treasure Island to
him. Sometimes a three year old can walk a long way, for a three year old, but
for her to learn that her mother will never carry her again seems harsh. Not
even in a stroller?=========
I do carry my three year old when she needs me to. I just did it yesterday with
the baby on my back and a heavy bag in my arms while my 5 year old lagged behind
complaining about how hard it was to walk.
-------------------------------------------------------------
For a 5 year old it is hard to walk. Even if for you it was harder, you were
choosing, fully choosing your actions. Your 5 year old was marching to your
drummer. Your 5 year old didn't make you have a 3 year old or another baby. Your
5 year old may have been happier if you'd stopped with her. You've made a bunch
of choices that aren't her choices and then you tell her given the choices I've
made you have to live this life. And you resent her for not carrying on in good
style alongside you. Instead of hating all the weight that you were hauling,
could you have taken more breaks? Could you have talked about how heavy
everything is and how sometimes it's hard for you to walk, too? Shared the moan
with your daughters, your 3 year old and your 5 year old. Sorted through the bag
and figured out what weighed the most and moaned about that thing.
5 seems so young when my children are 14 and 11. I can remember, though, that
Simon seemed old enough at 5 when Linnaea was 2. Sort of punishment for him that
because he was relatively older I was expecting him to be absolutely older.
Things were much better when I saw that he was ready to do what he was ready to
do and that however old he was didn't come into it.
Can you go out less? Can you get things delivered? Can you think bigger than if
I can carry a baby, a 3 year old and a heavy bag she can at least walk?
Schuyler
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
jo70mo
If she loves the dance class she may well be fine doing that after walking there as she enjoys it. It is still a walk one way and a class but the fun bit is after the walk rather than being faced by a walk after the class.
Getting home 2 hours later may seem frustrating if you concentrate on the fact that you could get home in 20 mins. However if you see the 2 hrs as an activity in itself maybe less so.
Maybe she will just be happy that you have let her do it her way and never need to do it again. Maybe she will love it and it will be easier for all of you.
Perhaps doing it for the dance would be enough and if there is no bus home at all after gymnastics you could do it her way for dance and the other way for gymnastics. If you are accomodating her on the journey where that is possible she may find it easier to accept the journey where it is not possible. She may not.
You won't know unless you start to try out some of her plans where you can do so.
I think you may find she is very attached to her plan because you haven't ler her try it out. Having tried it out you may find she doesn't want to do it every time and you may find that she moves on to new ideas and plans once she has tried out this version.
I can easily revisit times in my past when my parents wouldn't let me try my way of doing things and wanted me to think of other ideas. It made no sense to me as I could see no valid (to me) reason why we couldn't try my plan except they didn't want to. It frustrated me that their not wanting to trumped my not wanting to do it their way on a regular basis. It wasn't conducive to me looking for other ideas.
The gymnastics may make it impossible to get a bus back but it seems it is possible to do it your daughters way on the dance class days.
Jo
Getting home 2 hours later may seem frustrating if you concentrate on the fact that you could get home in 20 mins. However if you see the 2 hrs as an activity in itself maybe less so.
Maybe she will just be happy that you have let her do it her way and never need to do it again. Maybe she will love it and it will be easier for all of you.
Perhaps doing it for the dance would be enough and if there is no bus home at all after gymnastics you could do it her way for dance and the other way for gymnastics. If you are accomodating her on the journey where that is possible she may find it easier to accept the journey where it is not possible. She may not.
You won't know unless you start to try out some of her plans where you can do so.
I think you may find she is very attached to her plan because you haven't ler her try it out. Having tried it out you may find she doesn't want to do it every time and you may find that she moves on to new ideas and plans once she has tried out this version.
I can easily revisit times in my past when my parents wouldn't let me try my way of doing things and wanted me to think of other ideas. It made no sense to me as I could see no valid (to me) reason why we couldn't try my plan except they didn't want to. It frustrated me that their not wanting to trumped my not wanting to do it their way on a regular basis. It wasn't conducive to me looking for other ideas.
The gymnastics may make it impossible to get a bus back but it seems it is possible to do it your daughters way on the dance class days.
Jo
--- In [email protected], "emstrength3" <emstrength@...> wrote:
>
>
>
>
> > I am confused by why u have to take the bus there if it's walking distance
> > and walk back if there's a bus? lyla
>
>
> Because if we walk there, they will be tired during the class and even more exhausted on the walk home. When my husband can come with us, we do walk there if they want to and we bring the wagon.
>
> After gymnastics, the bus does not run that late. After dance, the timing would mean getting home 2 hours after class gets out (and still walking home from the bus stop) rather than walking and getting home in 20 minutes.
>
Tori
--- In [email protected], "emstrength3" <emstrength@...> wrote:
I'm thinking maybe a really genuine hug or whatever sort of interaction your daughter finds most soothing may help more than words. When she's more calm maybe she'll be ready to share what's really bothering her if she feels you're on her side.
I agree with the suggestions of a stroller; ours makes all the difference for my 4 yr old twins, their stuff, my stuff.
It's great that you carried your kids for so long, but it may help to shift attention to being grateful for your ability to do so. Your words make it sounds more of a burden. I still carry my two kids when they request it. It makes me happy to help them feel secure and they smell so darn good. :)
>But I don't know what to say in those situations!
>Perhaps think beyond talking--are there things you might do? It strikes me that Tess may be right; when my kids are unsettled about something they'll sometimes make rather irrational sounding complaints or keep switching the complaint so I can't possibly help. I try to look at it as a request for help with big exclamation points rather than complaining or whining.
I'm thinking maybe a really genuine hug or whatever sort of interaction your daughter finds most soothing may help more than words. When she's more calm maybe she'll be ready to share what's really bothering her if she feels you're on her side.
I agree with the suggestions of a stroller; ours makes all the difference for my 4 yr old twins, their stuff, my stuff.
It's great that you carried your kids for so long, but it may help to shift attention to being grateful for your ability to do so. Your words make it sounds more of a burden. I still carry my two kids when they request it. It makes me happy to help them feel secure and they smell so darn good. :)
Sandra Dodd
To speak gratitude is courteous and pleasant,
to enact gratitude is generous and noble,
but to live gratitude is to touch Heaven.
- Johannes A. Gaertner
I brought that from a friend's daily mailing, to set next to this:
-=-You are probably right. I am really feeling the inconvenience of not having a car. Things that would take a 10 minute drive now take leaving 20 minutes early to get to the bus stop, and sometimes nearly an hour on the bus and then doing it all again on the way back. So I've been making the choices that take into consideration all the factors and try to make it *easiest* on all of us, regardless of what we *want* to do. With most things, I do take everyone's desires into account, but I guess I'm not being very flexible about this. -=-
" try to make it *easiest* on all of us, regardless of what we *want* to do." doesn't sound fun at all. The dance class probably isn't worth four people doing something that is NOT easy, that they do NOT want to do.
All the resentment poured toward a child will come flooding back out of them someday. All the love and compassion will make the better, happier and stronger.
You don't have a car, that's true. You have a daughter who can walk, and dance. What about dancing to DVDs or Youtube videos instead of an inaccessible dance class? Winter is coming. Won't that all get worse?
Maybe when you do have a car you could take her to a dance class. Or maybe you could find another dance class right near a bus stop, at a better time.
Joy and peace should be higher priorities than any dance class.
Sandra
to enact gratitude is generous and noble,
but to live gratitude is to touch Heaven.
- Johannes A. Gaertner
I brought that from a friend's daily mailing, to set next to this:
-=-You are probably right. I am really feeling the inconvenience of not having a car. Things that would take a 10 minute drive now take leaving 20 minutes early to get to the bus stop, and sometimes nearly an hour on the bus and then doing it all again on the way back. So I've been making the choices that take into consideration all the factors and try to make it *easiest* on all of us, regardless of what we *want* to do. With most things, I do take everyone's desires into account, but I guess I'm not being very flexible about this. -=-
" try to make it *easiest* on all of us, regardless of what we *want* to do." doesn't sound fun at all. The dance class probably isn't worth four people doing something that is NOT easy, that they do NOT want to do.
All the resentment poured toward a child will come flooding back out of them someday. All the love and compassion will make the better, happier and stronger.
You don't have a car, that's true. You have a daughter who can walk, and dance. What about dancing to DVDs or Youtube videos instead of an inaccessible dance class? Winter is coming. Won't that all get worse?
Maybe when you do have a car you could take her to a dance class. Or maybe you could find another dance class right near a bus stop, at a better time.
Joy and peace should be higher priorities than any dance class.
Sandra