Thinking About "Have To"
Pam Laricchia responding:
Sandra wrote: They're not two sides of the same coin. They're different sets of life energy and different biochemical realities.
Yes. The actions may look the same but the entire outlook is different. This is, of course, hypothetical, but I'm trying to give an idea of how the outlook could be different.Julie wrote: I committed to a black belt. No matter how long it took, no matter how many knee surgeries were involved, no matter how many times I had to drag myself out to do Kata when I wanted to just go to sleep.
When your alarm went off you rolled over, moaned, and realized you had to drag yourself out to do Kata because you were committed to getting a black belt. While getting ready you were wishing you could just stay in bed. You tripped over the cat and grumbled. You swore at that idiot of a driver who cut you off on the way over— "where did he get his license!!". You got there, did your thing, and drove home. Later that day as you were laying on the couch trying to get some rest, your husband asked you to help him with something. Didn't he realize how tired you were because you had to get up so early this morning?!Sandra wrote: They're different sets of life energy and different biochemical realities.
When your alarm went off you rolled over, looked at the clock and realized it was going off early so you could go to do Kata. You sighed and thought about how early it was and considered just staying in bed this morning. But then you remembered how committed you were to getting your black belt, so you resolved to get up. You said good morning to the cat. You hoped that the guy who cut you off on the way over didn't get into an car accident the next time he did that. When you were done you drove home, picking up some coffee & donuts for the family on the way home (okay, I admit it, I'm Canadian!). You felt good for the rest of the day because you choose to do something that brought you one step closer to your ultimate goal. When your child asked for some help getting the craft stuff down you smiled at him and said "sure, let's see what we can make!"
Questionable claims of "having to" do something:
"I had to say ... Hey let's do this science experiment to get him off the play station last night. I had to have some one take notes because the directions called for. . . "
"There are days where I might not want to fix breakfast, lunch, or supper, to do laundry, to clean up a child's vomit, the cat's poop mess after getting locked in the van, etc., but it's gotta be done and so I do it."
Pam Sorooshian, in response to:
I don't understand why this is such an issue.I think it is because the change in attitude or approach from schooling to unschooling largely has to do with a shift from seeing certain things in a less flexible to a more flexible way—a shift from "have to's" to "choices."
Pam Laricchia responding to someone whose name I didn't save:
But for many of us the idea of choosing not to meet OUR goals, not those imposed by others, is as foreign to us as the use of "have to" is to apparently others on this list.But you have chosen the goals, and continue to choose to follow through with the actions to achieve those goals. For me it is a mindset. When I thought in terms of "have to" (I "have to" do such and such to achieve my goal) I found myself starting to resent the activity, having to push myself to follow through, and acting like a martyr—expecting others to express appreciation to me—for achieving what was my goal in the first place!... who fought 17 matches in one day to earn her 2nd degree black belt, who took 21 hours one semester to finish her degree before she married------who personally chose each of these goals for herself and "had to" do certain things to obtain them with all pressure being internally appliedI'm not saying this is the case with you, only that in situations like you've described above, a person who feels they "have to" do these things to meet their goals could quite easily find themselves complaining about it along the way—"I can't believe I have to fight another match (grumble, grumble)" or "I'm taking so many hours this semester that I'm always tired!" and expecting people to congratulate me for getting through the semester. It can lead to feeling that you have had to sacrifice to meet your goals.
If you want to never say "have to," the only thing you "have to" do is die. Not much of a life in my book.
I see it exactly the opposite. If my life is nothing but a bunch of "have to's," then that's not much of a life. I choose to do the things I do, no matter what they are.
Concerning How People Learn about Unschooling
Sheila/Sheran wrote, on the UnschoolingDiscussion list:
I think though, that some people start out being argumentative but then end up being convinced in the end. I know I came here several years ago and was argumentative several times. For me, the big thing to get over was the idea that I *had to* do certain things to make sure they grew into good Christian kids. I thought I *had to* at least make them go to church and Sunday School, do devotions with them daily, memorize some memory verses, make them do Bible studies.
Deepak Chopra says:
Ludwig Borne had said, long before that:
Another direction, at Not your Mom, is a reminder that no one "has to" help other unschoolers.
No one owes any other unschoolers support or assistance. Luckily, there are many people willing to offer help, information, assistance and ideas. But neither online nor in park meet-ups nor at their own kitchen tables is it ever *required* that someone help you.
Moving past "have to"
Logic in decisionmaking for unschooling parents, by Joyce Fetteroll
Obvious illogic and amusing fallacies. A collection of parental predictions and assertions about what children will always and never do if the parents let them, or don't make them stop, collected by Sandra Dodd.
Is this necessary for Unschooling? Can't unschooling just end with academics? Where DOES it end?
We make choices ALL the time. Learning to make better ones in small little ways, immediate ways, makes life bigger and better. Choosing to be gentle with a child, and patient with ourselves, and generous in ways we think might not even show makes our children more gentle, patient and generous. —Sandra Dodd