Being an Unschooler is all about respect for your child. If a child is transgender, you believe them. I have many transgender friends and am an ally, I have only seen transitioning as a necessary and healthy move for a transgender child.

I am a lesbian who grew up with intolerant, homophobic parents. It is so important to support your children. I have lived with tremendous pain because of my parents' lack of support, their inability to believe who I say I am.

I am leaving the group because this your perspective on this is toxic and I can find other support with Unschooling elsewhere.

My family is being pushed. My child was diagnosed by an unqualified person practicing way out of expertise based on a casual mention, who affirmed without question and incited my child to deceive me. God knows how long this would have gone on, and how far it would have gone, had luck or God not caused an iPhone malfunction that accidentally sent me a copy of the communication going on behind my back. In my state it is legal for my child to do this without my consent right now, at the age of 15, and there are activist groups willing to provide charity funding. So pardon me if I don't take kindly to the notion that this "horrible picture" is fabricated. It is real, it is hell to live through, and it needs to stop.

It's disheartening. I wish I didn't know anything about any of this. I wish it had never been brought to unschooling conferences.... I wish all these kids weren't so susceptible to this contagion. And I really really wish that the average parent could see what I've seen, having gone down this hole with my kid.

I truly want to be supportive of trans people, in the wider world, but it seems like it's at the expense of kids, mine included. For 2 yrs, I resented how this hijacked my kid's peace. 2 yrs we will never get back. Early teen years can be uncomfortable for sure, but this went beyond that.

How can I warn people? What words can I say to people, who are invested in being allies, that this is dangerous and horrible for kids?

It seems it would be the end of unschooling.
The focus seems to all go toward transgender politics.

When you embrace that, you are rewarded with pleasant exchanges with other parents, a way to share plateaus and down sides, a way to discuss children.

And that discussion trumps unschooling discussions, it replaces it.

Unless you jump into the all-trans-all-the-time, you are isolated.

We, as unschoolers, are failing our kids when it comes to this issue.

One of the things I've always loved about unschooling is how it asks questions. Why do you believe that? How else can you look at it? Is there a better/more complete/more peaceful solution?

But when it comes to children identifying as trans, the current protocol of affirm and transition doesn't leave any room for questions or deep conversation. It doesn't even leave time to think.

By following the herd, I failed my kid. I didn't question or push back. Why would I? Everything I could find told me that I had to support them or they'd become suicidal. I felt as if every moment of my kids' life was now life or death. Were they happy? Were they suicidal? Were they feeling supported enough? How could I put myself between them and someone who would make them feel badly about themselves? I was in full mama-bear mode.

I was a good parent and did my research. Nowhere did I find any dissenting ideas (outside of whacky religious positions—and I'm not a whacky religious person, so I skipped those). Everything said affirm and transition was the only option. Anything less than full, unquestioning, and unwavering support meant my child would kill themselves.

Very shortly after identifying as trans, my historically mellow and easy going kid became depressed and anxious. My kid spent hours, weeks, months on tumblr. The more time they spent there, the more anxious and depressed they came. I can't adequately express the amount of strife, misery, and unhappiness my child exhibited AFTER becoming trans. Good moments were rare, and everything was a struggle.

My typically resilient kid became as fragile as glass. A wrong word. A wrong glance. A poor interaction would send them down the spiral again. Pulling them out of the spiral (and always scared they would harm themselves) became an obstacle course I couldn't master.

Looking back, I wished I'd pushed back. I wish I'd challenged their statements and half-truths they found online from the beginning. I wish just one person had said "Wait. There might be something else happening," or "Hold up. There might be more options that what you are seeing."

Puberty and being a teen is hard. It is rough and nearly no adult would be willing to go back through it again. Everything is a big deal. Everything is hard. Everything is emotional. I'd bet there is no teen that is happy with their appearance - especially when it involves growing new things in new places.

Teens need to know that its totally normal to be uncomfortable in their bodies.

Our girls need to know that the creepy old dude staring at their breasts is the problem. The problem is not that they have breasts.

Our girls need to know that is normal to want to hide and wear baggy shirts...but it is not normal to want to cut off their breasts.

It is normal to hate having a period and wish women's healthcare was taken more seriously so girls aren't told horribly painful periods are just something they have to deal with. It isn't normal to want to have your uterus surgically removed.

It is a huge, life-long, irreversible fix to something that they'll more than likely grow through. If a teen decided their left pinky didn't belong to their body and needed to be removed—I would hope no parents' response would be to affirm this belief and encourage them in their belief.

Choosing to be a lifelong medical patient in a country where a staggering number of people either don't have healthcare or can't afford to use the healthcare they have is dangerous.

Choosing to be tied to medicine and procedures that could be yanked away with no recourse at any time (through insurance company changes, job loss, etc) is dangerous.

Yes, I can speak to those concerns because my kid is already tied to daily medication to keep them alive. And, yes, insurance companies have been fickle with coverage in the past and will be again.

I'm not talking about adults who have benefit of age and experience to make their best decisions for themselves. I'd like all transmen and transwomen to have the benefit of full healthcare and protection from discrimination.

I'm talking about kids who aren't old enough to sign a contract or get a tattoo because teens can be impulsive.

November 29, 2017

UNSCHOOLERS' STORIES

I would like for the connection between unschooling and transgender promotion to fade or be severed, but until that happens, it's worth sharing some stories that help show why I have that desire to set transgender issues far away from unschooling.

Brie Jontry: Born in the right body: Introducing 4thWaveNow's new spokesperson, mom of a teen desister

Brie explains how she got involved, and some of what she has seen and learned as she explored further.

Stats December 8, 2017: 17,000 views at this URL, 3893 shares/links on Facebook

Brie's daughter, and her account: It's not conversion therapy to learn to love your body: A teen desister tells her story

Interview, with some of her artwork (age 14, but some of the art was from previous years) (November 2017)

Her conclusion:

Just act like you.

Go outside. Move your body. Make art, do something. Don't spend time with other people's stories about self-loathing and self-diagnosis. Stop feeling oppressed when you're probably not oppressed. I know transitioning can make you feel like you get a lot of control but medically transitioning doesn't give you power. It just makes someone else money.

Find people to talk to and ask for help if you need it. And find people who will ask you hard questions.

Stats December 8, 2017: over 9,000 views at this URL, 1172 shares/links on Facebook

Jenny Cyphers, A Careful Step into a Field of Landmines

Jenny has been a regular and helpful commenter in many unschooling discussions for nearly 20 years. Her writings on unschooling are here: Jenny Cyphers

Stats December 8, 2017: 5221 views at this URL, 1160 shares/links on Facebook

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Transgender index page Links and commentary (originating in an unschooling forum) Public facebook group (if it's still there)