Seeing

Seeing with new eyes,
seeing clearly, seeing learning,
seeing ourselves in peaceful places

In February 2016, something beautiful was written in a discussion on facebook. I wanted to save it, but couldn't decide which page it fit best, so I created this page for it. I will link to all the pages it would have gone well on, too, and link back from there.

Zoe Thompson-Moore wrote:

A key idea (not a rule) which has helped me as I've been deschooling and we've moved towards radical unschooling is Sandra's suggestion to be my child's partner, not their adversary. I think so far this has helped me avoid the worst pitfalls of blindly turning other ideas such as, find ways to say yes more, into hard and fast 'how to unschool' rules (given my usual tendency this would probably have led to me always saying yes with no thought for why I was saying yes more). Focussing on being my child's partner is helping me to place my real life children front and centre of my attention and to think deeply and respond kindly and appropriately to their particular needs in this particular moment.
Rules are prescriptive and in the past have led to me doing things from a place of fear (I must do the 'right' thing) which isn't useful for unschooling. With time I'm beginning to understand how principles offer a much more responsive and responsible place to be unschooling from.

It's also here, with commentary and was originally in this discussion about strewing, rules, and choices.

Seeing what IS

This was on Radical Unschooling Info on Facebook, in 2024:

Question:

My kids are almost 7 and 4.5 and they received an iPad. Now all day long they want to use it. I freak out. I am so afraid that they will not play anymore or go out or do anything apart from that. Would you regulate screen time?

Sandra responding:

I wouldn't even use (try not to think it) the term "screen time."

I would not "regulate" (make rule about and apply them) their activities.

-=-I am so afraid that they will not play anymore-=-

They ARE playing.

Do you want your children to learn and to be happy? That's the path to unschooling.

Or do you want your children to be regulated? That is the path to resentment, sneakiness, confusion and sorrow.

Long ago, the first time my sister's three young unschooled children visited a house with a videogame system, she called me. We had a Nintendo system already at the time. She told me her kids were so excited about that game that they were fighting over whose turn it was, and so she would NEVER buy one.

I asked her whether she would rather get something that wasn't worth fighting over. She got them a SEGA system.

An iPad Is WAY nicer than a 90s video game system. There's more in there. 🙂 The graphics are wonderful.

Looking for the story of my sister and the SEGA, I found this. A mom was complaining (while congratulating herself about removing apps) that her child would use the iPad until the battery died.

That would not have happened if the mom had been paying attention to how much charge was left, and put the child in a good place to be plugged in for a while. 🙂

I was very direct with that mom. The writing is here, but I also want to link a couple of things on my site to go with it.

Not knowing what normal looks like (at Always Learning)

About repetition:
SandraDodd.com/again

About intense interest:
SandraDodd.com/focus

I recently paid just under $200 for a used, refurbished, warranteed iPad. It's for an extra, for grandkids when they're over.

My husband and I were talking last night about a portable Sony color TV I had when we met, in the 1970s. That was our main TV for years, even though it was small, but the picture quality was the best available in those days. It had cost $500. It was the first monitor we had for our Nintendo system when we had kids, later. It lasted a long time, that TV.

The picture quality on a used $200 iPad is just as good as that was. Maybe better.

If kids are "almost 7 and 4.5" (meaning they are four and six years old—padding doesn't change anything except to indicate, maybe, that the mom has higher expectations of them)... if they are getting along well, sharing an iPad, that's sweet and good. If they're taking turns well, also good.

If that iPad is so exciting and alluring that it's disturbing the peace, consider getting another one. They will NOT live there forever, but they might be so excited about them at first that it seems to the parent they will never look away from it.

I have two very profound pages for parents to read who are having similar fears. One is by Pam Sorooshian, about principles of economics. The other is a collection of nonsensical statements made by real parents in public. Science and the exposure of non-scientific thought. 🙂

Economics of Restricting TV Watching of Children
Pam Sorooshian

"If I let him, he would..."

The original poster wrote after that and used her name:

Sandra Dodd, thanks from the bottom of my heart … so profound and full of love.

The full exchange is intense and rollicking. One would need access to facebook, but it's worth sneaking in if you don't have your own account. Radical Unschooling Info; Sandra Dodd, Admin; 5 April 2024

I'm bringing the last post in that not-so-short exchange, and it's mine again:

Sandra Dodd:

Jo Isaac caught this, too, but it's important so I'm bringing it up a level. One of the contributors to this discussion wrote:

-=-I always said that I don’t want to make rules about when we can and can’t “watch” -=-

#1 problem is "we."

#2 is the quotation marks on "watch." Not REALLY watch? So-called watching? Allegedly watch?

#3 is "I always said that..."

It's a dodge and a distancing from plain, direct thought and expression,

Said it but didn't mean it? Claimed it but didn't do it?

When thoughts aren't clear, clarity can't improve. 🙂 Careful choices (in life, and in words) help clarify belief, intent, and feelings.
SandraDodd.com/clarity

and the problem with moms using "we" rather than "I":
SandraDodd.com/we

Look directly at your child

Living by Principles instead of by Rules
Ideas and examples by various unschoolers about how living by principles instead of by rules
makes life with children easier and more peaceful.

Being your child's PARTNER, not his adversary

Thoughts on Changing: How to change, and how change feels

Unschooling: Getting It

Deschooling

Perspective

A Different Angle

Unschooling: You'll See it When you Believe It