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Martyrdom, mostly in mothers, and how to avoid that

Sandra, 2012:

IF an unschooling mom is letting her child play video games while she makes him food, and if someone else says "You're being a martyr," it doesn't mean she's being a martyr. It means the other person wants to control her. It means the other person (who is probably also a parent) wants her to be a little less accommodating, so as not to wreck the curve and make other parents look bad.

That's what I think. It's an idea I'm going to carry around a while and see whether it holds up.

original

Catita Maciel wrote, in 2020:

Every year, in november/ december, I remember a thread on AlwaysLearning about martyrdom, and I read it again. To 1st read it was a huge ha-ha moment that changed the way I think and see myself in relation to others. In consequence, it changed the way I act and the expectations behind my actions.

To stop considering the "domestic martyr" a good role model and stop acting as one was a personal revolution.

I can now love my family without making them feel guilty for what I do. This was the best Christmas gift I could have.

She linked this archived copy, but here it is on Always Learning

On facebook, there were some responses, too:

Alex Wildrising (Alex Arnott)
Thank you for sharing this link and your experience. I too am so grateful I let go of this common story moms share. It’s been my observation that social points are earned in many circles for sharing stories of martyrdom. I’ve outgrown that story and in social circles outside of my 2 dear unschooling friends, I can no longer relate to moms when they talk about this issue. I don’t contribute much to these conversations anymore, or if I do, I sprinkle light hearted comments or reflections here and there but don’t buy into it or bond over that anymore.
Vicky Kavanagh:
Thank you for this wonderful link, I'll have to read it over a few times I want to make sure that I understood it properly, it certainly shook me to my core I'm not sure I'm even the same person after reading it.
Sandra Dodd:
I came across something I wrote years ago:
I think "struggle" come with a dramatic martyrdom, wrapped in "You wouldn't understand."
There's a longer quote that was in, and I brought it as advice not to struggle, but it did refer to martyrdom. 🙂
quote
Sandra again a week and some later:
Years ago, someone had saved and shared something I had written. It came up in my facebook memories:
"And being a good parent is not martyrdom. It's this: Being (in essence, in life, in thought, in action) a good (not bad, not average, but quality/careful/positive) parent."
It's not my imagination that "battle" is wildly over-used now. In WWII it was being used, of real battles, and of difficulties getting supplies across water, across battlefields. Now, it's used about the least little things, for dramatic effect, to make the speaker a martyr.
from "Phrases to Hear and Avoid"
I would like to discuss unschooling in ways that it can apply to anyone and everyone.
I'm concerned only with what makes children's lives easier, not what makes their mothers feel more important or martyrly or special.
from this, about labels


Service



Serving Others as a Gift



Being a Happy Mom



More on the idea of earning social points (in good ways): Points