A Meticulous Analysis of History
episode credits: Earl Kress, Charles M. Howell IV, Wendell Morris, Tom Sheppard, Jed Spingarn
first aired September 20, 1997
Maurice LaMarche as The Brain and Rob Paulsen as Pinky
Through meticulous analysis of history
I will find a way to make the people worship me.
By studying the conquerors of days gone by,
I'll discover the mistakes that made them go awry.
So that you can make the same mistakes if you just try.
By studying the past so carefully,
I won't repeat the same mistakes of history.
You'll never make another mistake, you see,
'cause you'll fall asleep from reading all that history.
Pay attention Pinky!
When Cleopatra reigned as Queen,
With Roman leaders she was often seen.
But when she had no ruling friend,
She found a poison snake to bite her in the end.
A bite down there I really wouldn't recommend.
I won't need world alliances,
When I'm commanding everyone's appliances.
Oh no Brain, that would really smart,
To be bitten on the bottom by a Cuisinart.
Hannibal, our book confirms,
Tried conquering Italy with pachyderms.
Just why he failed, nobody tells,
But he never could get past the Roman sentinels.
And he couldn't find his weapons in the peanut shells.
An elephant is not required,
If I can use the media to be admired.
The TV viewers you'll delight,
Unless the network puts your show on Sunday night.
Attila was a mighty Hun,
He ransacked Asia Minor just for fun.
But when he got to Europe's banks,
He was routed by an army of heroic Franks.
I like mine with sauerkraut and mustard, thanks.
Why pillage like a criminal,
When I can send out messages subliminal.
Please send a message to that Hun,
To see if he can pillage me a hot dog bun.
Caligula was no boy scout,
He did things that we can't even talk about.
The Romans knew he'd lost his head,
When he filled a vacant Senate seat with Mr. Ed.
What's wrong with being friendly with a thoroughbred?
Why rule like such a reprobate,
When I can put the world in a hypnotic state?
When everybody's in a trance,
You can make the people do a chicken dance.
Pinky, if you don't stop this foolishness,
I shall have to hurt you.
In France, Napoleon Buonaparte,
Thought beating Austria was very smart.
But when he took on England too,
He was beaten up by Wellington at Waterloo.
And now he's just a pastry filled with creamy goo.
Why conquer with depravity,
I'll win the world by undermining gravity.
And even if your plan falls through,
Maybe they will name a pastry after you.
From Ghengis Khan to Charlemagne,
From Alexander down to Tamburlaine.
I find a ruler's tragic flaw,
And gain a little wisdom out of each faux pas.
Don't forget the former Governor of Arkansas.
That concludes my little rhyme,
I hope this lesson wasn't just a waste of time.
Well Brain, I've learned that one thing's true,
Every one of them has failed, and so have you.
Thank you for that vote of confidence.
Now come, we must prepare for tomorrow night.
Why, what are we going to do tomorrow night?
(Gasp) Sing a song about all the world's cheeses?
No, Pinky, we shall try to take over the world—
Through meticulous analysis of history.
Oh, but I like the cheese song, Brain.
NOTE: If the music-playing window is still open, close it. Most links below make noise.
The Cheese Song, "Cheese Roll Call," to the tune and music of John Phillip Sousa's march Semper Fidelis
"The Meticulous Analysis of History" is
set to the tune of "When I was a Lad" from HMS Pinafore:
Lyrics and a 1930 recording, from a 78 RPM record of Henry Lytton, with links to more information.
OTHER ANIMANIACS HISTORY BITS ON YOUTUBE:
Ballad of Magellan (to the tune of "Git Along Little Dogies")
US Presidents (William Tell Overture)
Wakko's America Song "the names of all 50 states and their capitals" (Turkey in the Straw)
Nations of the World (with lyrics)
Rob Paulsen (who does the voices of Yakko, Pinky and Dr. Scratchansniff) singing it, and you can see his face
(Rob Paulsen also did Raphael on the original TMNT series, Arthur on the animated Tick, Spike on Land Before Time)
Animaniacs and Pinky & the Brain at Comic-Con 2006 (in which he sings it with the audience clapping—great feat!)
History in Songs
History and Unschooling