Halloween night after trick or treating in neighborhoods and at the mall my 7-year-old daughter had tons of candy. She wanted to sort, chart and graph it all like we've been doing for the past few years (always her choice). After that I asked her which ones she was going to eat and she said, "I don't really want any but can you make a monkey platter with lots of fruits and veggies?" I said, "If that's what makes you happy, Sweetie!" :)

But a quick couple, most recently:

The kids have asked for ice cream the last several shopping trips and I've bought it. When the big kids ask for some, my three-year-old wants some too, and I dish it up for everyone. But for several times in a row now, she has only eaten a bite or two and then asked me to save it for her for "later." "Later" has turned out to be days or a week later, or even just telling her sisters they can have it. Again, she's three.

This morning when I woke up I found the bag of chocolate on the counter. The kids must have gotten it out last night after I went to bed. They must have only eaten a few pieces though, because it was about the same as when I last saw it yesterday afternoon.

Three kids, parents asleep, and access to a bag of chocolate. They ate a few pieces and left the evidence in full view. There's also a half eaten apple on the counter.

Emily Strength, February 2018

"no, thanks..." to birthday cake...

Heather D., January 2015:

Cooper just turned 7 on the 29th.

An older (teen) friend of his made him a little cake, and gave it to him yesterday. cooper, who delights in sweets, and is beginning to try new things in ways that surprise us, said to his friend, "no, thank you. not right now. I'm still digesting the candy and sweets I ate last night!"

I love that he's able to know what his body needs, and that he's able to articulate it, with what seems like no baggage, urgency, or shame. what a sweet, sweet gift.

Thank you to the voices here that have soothed me over and over and over again in the realm of his food choices, so that I have become a less anxious, more peaceful partner to him. I am endlessly grateful.

A couple of years ago we made bunnies in race cars involving marshmallow peep bunnies and twinkies. The kids loved making them and taking pictures but the only person who actually ate a twinkie was me. For the kids, that stuff wasn't any different than any other craft supply. I don't think they would eat them any more than they would chew on construction paper or pipe cleaners or modeling clay.

We were at a parade yesterday and the various marching groups were throwing candy. At the end the kids were sorting and trading and Gabriella realized that she only wanted a couple of tiny pieces maybe 5 or 6 out of the bag they had collected. She said the thing that I've been noticing with her for years, "I really don't like candy all that much. I'd rather have meat!"

I always mentally filed this under money management and honesty, but it applies otherwise too. We live a very short walk from a store, and don't need to cross a street to get there. When our kids were younger, sometimes one or two would be asked to go and buy milk or bread, and I always said "you can get yourself something with the change," but only a couple of times out of dozens did one of them buy a candy bar or gum. All the other times, they brought the receipt and all the change, and the item we needed. I would not have minded if they had spent every penny, but nobody ever did.

It occasionally gets dipped into but not much. It's not hidden away but available all the time as with all other food and drink in our house.

Some of the sweets are from going away bags at a party and some from a visit to the Harry Potter studio tour in London.

We went there on the 3rd of June. And for anyone who is interested, the Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans really are every Flavour including vomit bogey and earwax. Yuck!

Other people comment on the variety of food she likes compared to what they call their fussy children and they look at me in disbelief when I say she is not restricted at all in anything she eats.

Today we were driving home from the library discussing what we would eat. Usually we go to a cafe after the library, but we are saving money for an aquarium visit on Wednesday so I offered to make milkshakes and cinnamon butter cookies at home, which both kids love. My six year old was enthusiastic, but then said, "I think I'm too hungry for biscuits. I'd like something more filling and not sweet." She ended up having a bowl of tuna and mayonnaise, followed by a milkshake. I am so glad she can listen to what her body needs and choose accordingly.

This morning Kai opened his advent calender, ate the chocolate, and then said 'Ugh. I'm so sick of eating all this chocolate! Please can I have a plate of cold food.' (It's *really* hot here today!) He's now saving his chocolates for when he wants them, and eating a plate of baby corn, cucumber and apple :) Jo Isaac

The melon was sitting next to his uneaten Easter egg, but he ignored that.

My son ate a strip of bacon and left the other one and went to sleep.

They have chosen what they eat and how much all their lives.

Zibby and Henry's mom, Nancy, wrote this on her blog (linked below): I ate the piece of buche de noel. December 29th, 2009 Today Zibby woke up around 9ish and handed me the remote and asked me to turn on a show for her (we were all still in bed) which I did, and Henry and I kept sleeping for a while more. Eventually Henry wanted out of bed, so I got up with him and we went in the other room and played puzzles and watched wow wow wubbzy and hung out. I debated making a green smoothie for myself but ended up snacking on triple chocolate cookies I made the other night and are super delicious. Zibby doesnt usually want to eat right when she wakes up. Around twelvish I was hungry so I started making myself a ham sandwich. I asked zibby if she wanted a turkey sandwich. She came over to the fridge and got out last nights noodles and soup. She asked for a turkey sandwich, noodles, and also a piece of buche noel. I bought a gorgeous buche noel cake at Whole Foods on super sale. She wanted a piece with lots of decor. I put everything on separate plates (her request). After all the cake talk I suspected that she might eat that first and be full, but she sat and had three bowls of noodles, then ate half her sandwich, and left the cake on the table, untouched. well, she touched the decor actually and played with some of the frosting leaves. But she didn't eat it. She also took about a dozen of the cookies into her bedroom and played kitchen with them, but didnt eat more than one or two. My point is, Zibby is give access to all of the food in our house, and I prepare and offer her a variety of things, and she eats a wide variety of them, when she is hungry and when she is hungry for them. I didnt make any kind of deal or comment on her requests for her meal (now, eat all your sandwich before you touch that cake!) Later in the afternoon she ate freeze dried strawberries, fresh strawberries, that I know of, which she got on her own, and for dinner she had three small flour tortillas rolled up with taco meat (no cheese or other toppings) she drank water all day. Henry had several bites of several cookies (ha!) a couple handful of pretzels when we sat down for lunch, a bite of strawberry, a bite of toast, and nursed whenever he wanted all day long. The reason I thought I'd write this down is lots of people around me are fretting about what their kids eat and when and how and withholding "desserts" or treats and I have found that letting go of all that has really allowed my daughter to follow her own body's cues. She eats fruits, veggies, chocolate, meat, grains—without me doing anything besides making it available and attractive. I'm watching an advance cd of interviews of the unschooling documentary Lee Stranahan is making, and watching Sandra talk about food made me think about today and I wanted to share. Up till now a lot of my parenting ideas have been theoretical and or I've read about other people's results and experiences. I believed what unschooling was doing for their lives, and now I am seeing what it's doing in ours. It's cool. originally here: A Happy Childhood Lasts Forever.

He ate candy and chocolate for breakfast that day, but then halfway through his chocolate bunny he handed it to me and told me he wanted to save it. I wrapped it up and put it in the freezer for him, and later my husband and I marveled over it because neither one of us would ever put down a half-eaten chocolate bunny.

Not only did that make me realize that I could trust him to make that choice, but also that this was really a case of taking our own problems (if there is chocolate in front of us, we'll eat it even if we recognize that we aren't hungry at all, and stopping halfway through is just out of the question) and projecting them onto our child.

Jump forward to this last Halloween and the party my children attended the day before (all of us attended). When we walked through the door the first thing I noticed was the cake, pizza, and chocolate everywhere. So apparently did many of the other kids who came through the door (we belong to one group which is unschooled/homeschooled—difference mainly being restrictions on bedtimes, food, TV. etc.) My kids (who have had free access to food since they were born), said "no mom we don't want that, we want to play," despite the fact they had just been complaining about hunger 30 seconds earlier in the car. I sat and watched while other kids were made to eat a certain number of pieces of pizza, or vegetables before they could have the cake, or chocolate. (as if pizza is any better really!). Finally about two hours into the party, my eldest ( 5 1/2 ) ran over and asked for food. What he chose to eat was a large plate of tomatoes and snap peas. Parents asked me how I got him to do this— (I am thinking maybe they didn't notice that my youngest (4) had already eaten a few chocolate ghouls without me getting upset...)

My point is, my children have had a lot of exposure to many foods. They have foods they like, and those they do not like. I have never forced them into trying a food they were not interested in trying. I would not want someone forcing me to try something I thought looked disgusting. Even though we now have a large shopping bag full of candy from trick or treating they are not diving into it (like I would have) as if it is the best thing in the world. It is just another part of food. Not more important. I think allowing them to make their own food choices has been the best thing I could have done for them because they will not have the baggage that I did (and my mom) attached to it.

Oh—after the piñ ata broke the kids helped gather the candy but refused to take any home because they said they didn't need any. (Their words, not mine).

Rachael, Shaun, Kean (5½ ) and Kai (4).
(November 2010, on the Always Learning list)

My three year old just asked for one of the balls, took a bite, and then spotted the garlic. He handed me back the rest of the ball, and asked me to give him a dish of the garlic.

My six year old finished the rest of the ball, and then shared a few pieces of the garlic.

Zero control. Zero manipulation. Kids do like sweets, that's for sure. But they also like other stuff. Don't limit them, or assume they're limited.

response from Pam Sorooshian:

My husband is Persian. Persian sweets tend to be very very sweet, but they don't eat a lot of them, just a bit with a cup of tea, usually. All the many Persian families I know have lots of sweets sitting out all the time—all available. But the kids, who could have the pastries and candies if they wanted them, very often choose pickles or fruits and vegetables over the sweets. My kids are like that - they will turn down ice cream in favor of a cucumber with some salt and lemon juice on it.

Yeah, it kind of makes my brain twirl when DS (7) eats half a double chocolate donut then leaves the other half sitting so he can have a grilled cheese sandwich (or whatever else he decides he wants at the time that isn't a chocolate donut) - sometimes he comes back and finishes it, sometimes the half donut sits a day or two until it's obvious he doesn't want it any longer then out it goes. The hardest thing was not going ahead and eating it myself (or DH eating it) "because it's there". We're eating better (more consciously) by learning from DS to listen to our insides as to what we want when and when we're done.

My daughter was eating her dinner in front of the TV in the basement when she flew up the stairs to ask what was for dessert.

"Peach cobbler with ice cream. Do you want some?" I replied.

"After I finish my broccoli," she answered and she flew back down the stairs.

My husband and I just looked at each other in amazement. This is a kid whose diet has consisted mainly of corn dogs and doughnuts (glazed, chocolate, or with sprinkles!) for the past two weeks.

same child, another year:

We had the opportunity to out to eat twice this past Sunday. At our dinner meal we discussed getting the big, gooey, chocolate cake with the giant dip of ice cream and the hot oozing chocolate sauce (I'm making myself hungry!) for dessert. My older DD (7) who loves sweets said at the end of the meal, "I'm full, let's not have the cake." And we all agreed and there was no cake.

I told my husband later that the reason DD felt free to turn down the cake was because she always has all of the sweets she wants whenever she wants. If a child were constantly denied sweets she would have felt compelled to order the cake and eat it even if she were full because she might not get another chance for sweets.

In fact, at Sunday brunch earlier that day this same DD, Sarah, had no less than 6 desserts. She methodically brought them from the buffet and arranged them around herself and ate as much or as little as she wanted from all of them. And so, at dinner, satisfied and full, she felt free to turn down a fabulous dessert!

He wasn't in the mood to eat, had just seen someone on TV eating ice cream. We always have ice cream in the freezerī¿½he rarely eats it, but an apple or watermelon will be gone in no time.

Lanora, 13, was talking about eating some cantaloupe. I told her that it was really good with ice cream, she looked at me like I had suggested pouring sand over it. She likes her melon neat, thank you.

Gabriella has been making thoughtful choices about what she eats for a number of years now. Halloween is a favorite holiday and this year she had a plan to hit the maximum number of houses. When she returned she dumped all the candy out, sorted it, counted it, ate some, traded some with her brother, shared some with Jim and me and then put it all back in the pumpkin and then put it in the pantry. This is what is left of her Halloween candy. Today is February 5th.

Gail responded:

This is true at our home also. Logan did go trick or treating this year and most of it is still in a box in his room. Brenna occasionally asks him for a piece and he tells her go ahead (she didn't go trick or treating). Candy is always around and chips and ice cream. If the neighbor kids don't come by often to eat the ice cream we have been known to throw it out when it gets a little old.

Logan often has tuna on crackers for breakfast while Brenna will eat carrot cake. There is just no emotion to a certain type of food except we like most of it. When I ask if they want anything at the store it might be artichokes or sour cream dip but very rarely is it anything sweet.

This summer when my stepdaughter was with us, she ate so many M&M's cookies that she got sick and threw up. Not just once but on two different occasions. When I talked with her about it, she said she was afraid the other kids were going to eat them all. I told her we'd just buy more. By the time she went home, I think she was starting to get the idea that all kinds of food would be available to her while she was at our house. No need to binge or hoard. Since food is not an issue in our family it seems we make healthy choices most of the time.

Not only are our food choices healthier but since I have stopped controlling sleep and chores and T.V. watching and video games our family is healthier and happier . It didn't happen overnight but it's been like this long enough that I can't imagine our lives any other way.

The other night we went through Mc Donald's Drive thru my oldest ordered a water with his meal. He knows he can have a pop whenever he wants but that night water was what he wanted.

It is so cool when you let go.

He wrinkled his nose and said, "Nah, I'm not in the mood for ice cream today."

His overall intake of healthy stuff is really good. If he asks for cookies or cake or ice cream anytime, and we have it in the house, he can eat it. He can eat as much as he wants. We don't always have it in the house, and then he chooses other things.

Jalen just turned 3 in February. He chooses water to drink more often than any other liquid. He had cream soda, soymilk (both vanilla and strawberry/banana) to choose from last night. He only wanted water. If I regulated what he drank, he would have a harder time listening to his true needs, and go for the limited items.

It's cool when they don't need to do that.

My kids have now had food freedom for about a week and a half. Last night we ate dinner at the Olive Garden. They had some fruit and snacks before we left, because they don't like restaurant food, generally.

The last time we ate there, the boys just scarfed as many breadsticks as the server would bring and guzzled root beer like there was no tomorrow.

THIS time, Zach drank about half of his root beer, ate 1.5 breadsticks, and said he was full. He didn't even want to try one bite of the dessert we ordered. I have NEVER seen this kid turn down chocolate cake before. He didn't NEED to try it because he knows he can have "dessert" (whether it's cake or marshmallows or jelly beans) when he is hungry for it.

Even in such a short time I have been seeing some really positive changes, and we're all much happier and more relaxed about food. My husband even said, "I've got to admit, this is sure a lot easier!"

I was putting away the groceries while this was going on. As I put the carrots away, I thought about how tasty a carrot sounded. I could have had ice cream — in fact I love ice cream — but I had the carrot instead because it really sounded better at that moment. I know I can have ice cream AND carrots both, whenever I want.

It feels so good to eat what I want.

I heard a radio show recently, I think it was NPR's This American Life, about food. One segment of the show said that one reason French women are so thin is because they eat sweets whenever they wish and they don't feel guilty about it. That may be a poor stereotype, but I liked the sound of it. Eat what you really want and feel good about eating it.

This is one of those "it works" stories. We got back from Hometown Buffet and a quick trip to the store. Jayn said, "Do we have any chocolate?" I answered "yes" and since I happened to be standing near the chocolate in the kitchen, I broke off a piece and held it out to her. "I don't want any. Thank you." And she wandered off.

It's not that she just doesn't like donuts, cookies etc. - I took her and her younger brother out to get some donuts the other day because they asked. The great thing is that she doesn't feel the need to eat them just because they are available (that's me!).

Holly asked for broccoli Tuesday. I bought some and cooked it before I knew she had gone to her friend's for an overnighter (she got the invite and left while I was shopping). So yesterday she asked about it, I reheated it and brought it to her at the TV where she was playing a game, waiting for the Simpsons to come on. She finished that bowl of broccoli, salt and butter, and asked for more with less butter.

I cooked the rest of it, and she ate most of it.

When The Simpsons ended she was done with the TV.

This isn't theoretical broccoli or TV, it was yesterday.

"I made it for my almost 3 yo daughter and she loved it! It had carrots, grape tomatoes, ranch dressing, chocolate chips, celery, celery with peanut butter, cold cut up hot dog, and strawberries. She munched on it all afternoon. The first two things she ate were a tomato and carrot. The only things left right now are the chocolate chips and celery!"

More of Susan's day

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Charlie Eats an Apple (you might be surprised). A Tale of 3 lbs. of Chocolate Halloween Candy and Choices or "Candy Gets Dusty" "The Full Plate Club" Monkey Platters Illustrated Choosing to make choices parenting issues for unschoolers