Authentic Authenticity

From Radical Unschooling Info, July 2018

"Authenticity."

From a side exchange, someone is concerned that a partner "doesn't seem to do much in the way of deschooling and working toward authenticity."

My first-pass response:

"Authenticity" isn't a term and concept I ever use or support. It can be used too manipulatively.

He probably IS being authentic.

It might help to drop all use of that term. You want him to be patient and kind. Smiley. Helpful.

How do you deal with truly accepting someone as being authentic, when so many of their thoughts are based on societal pressures and fears? I promise I don't mean this to sound condescending, but why really delve deep into this lifestyle of meaningful relationships and growth if every way is acceptable?

That sounds [like] "I'm right and you're wrong"... Isn't there a right and wrong?

As long as you look for what is and isn't' authentic you'll be missing what is actually happening.

To me... if someone is being authentic and truly themselves, they have to think critically about all the things swirling around in their brain and throw out the stuff that is there simply because of their upbringing.

To me, you've just used "have to" and "authentic" and I'm asking you NOT to use "authentic."

The problems with "authenticity" is what I wanted to discuss here, though.

Looking at her definition of (or requirement for) authenticity, I see problems for sure: "if someone is being authentic and truly themselves, they have to think critically about all the things swirling around in their brain and throw out the stuff that is there simply because of their upbringing."

So either I declare to another "I am being authentic," or someone else hangs out with me a bit and says "She's so authentic."

What makes me so sure? How would they know?😊

There will always be more brain-swirl. Some memories slip away for years. Having growing children around us, their ages and experiences, questions, changes, will stir up memories and emotions we didn't know we had! It happens all the time.

"Authenticity as a goal seems to suggest a dichotomy. Inauthentic, and authentic, as though a rinse cycle or a smudging or the completion of a course could remove all the old stuff that was in there.

But people are always growing and learning and changing. As good and as clear as one can be tomorrow morning, as to understandings and reactions, they might be better tomorrow afternoon. Would that put the morning's "authenticity" into question?

I suggest people who want to be involved in clarity and growth step away from the "authenticity."

"For a child to develop naturally, it needs respect from its caregivers, tolerance for its feelings, awareness of its needs and sensibilities, and authenticity on the part of its parents. This authenticity manifests itself in an upbringing style in which it is the personal freedom of the parents - and not educational dogma - that imposes natural limits to the child."

(The quote above is from a review of Alice Miller's book For Your Own Good— Hidden Cruelty in Child-rearing and the Roots of Violence; more here.)

I think what people mean is, not fake.

I find this interesting for a couple of reasons.

First, because nothing we do can actually "be" fake. You did it, therefore it was real. You doing it/saying it/pretending it, made it real.

Secondly because I think it's in defense of an idea that people shouldn't be "people pleasers" they should be "themselves" or "authentic" instead. I think that falls into the same logic as being fake. You're always you, whether you're smiling while your internal voice is swearing, or not.

For me, any time I've uttered the word "authentic" when discussing myself as a parent, it was in defense of my own bad choice. Something along the lines of "I shouldn't have been sarcastic with her, but I just needed a moment of authenticity." It let's you off the hook.

Perhaps this word goes with the "you've got this mama" support.

[A new unschooling parent wrote:]
How do you know when this activity of TV or ipod or computer is being used excessively ... because there's nothing more interesting or sparkly or if its truly a choice that is authentic and not driven by motivations to do with "there is nothing better to do" aka boredom?

Is an authentic choice one that would be made even if there weren't voices pulling towards competing goals?

If so, then Sandra's idea of thinking of two choices and then choosing the better one is a lot clearer.

Interesting discussion. I think one problem with the mom's use of authentic as described above is that it presupposes that her partner is never of two minds. Perhaps what she perceives as inauthentic is more representative of her partner's ambivalence.

Another thought occurred to me. If we take being authentic as sharing true feeling and thoughts, I'd suggest that you need to feel comfortable with a person before sharing and if you're not, then you have no obligation to share your authentic feelings.

Also, there are situations where sharing your authentic feelings on a subject can be inappropriate. For example, I have strong feelings about the public education system, but if I was always authentically sharing my thoughts on the subject with everyone, it would often be rude and possibly hurtful. So I don't. In this case being 'inauthentic', given the sensitivities of my audience, is the polite and kind thing to do.

I also like your question, Sandra Dodd about how we could ever know if another person is being authentic in any given situation? Isn't it only evident within a person whether or not they are being authentic?

-=-Isn't it only evident within a person whether or not they are being authentic?-=-

Not always there, even.

-=-Also, there are situations where sharing your authentic feelings on a subject can be inappropriate. -=-

Sharing your feelings is sharing feelings.
One can share feelings tactfully, or bluntly and thoughtlessly. There are feelings.
I don't think there are "authentic feelings." It's like "true facts." It's redundant, or it suggests that there are inauthentic feelings and untrue facts.

Dropping it solves all the problems.

When I think about the word "authentic" in terms of people, I can't help but think about how many many times I have acted under the well-informed conviction that I was doing what I wanted, making a choice I wanted to make, saying a thing I believed very strongly in—and how many times and in how many various ways those things have shifted or completely reversed over the years, as I've learned and grown, and lived more experiences.

There were choices I made that I felt a hundred percent convinced that I was a hundred percent right and justified in making. Now I totally disagree with my past justifications. It wasn't that I wasn't "my most authentic self" and have only now really discovered it. It's that at any moment in my life I am using what I know about myself and the world to navigate. And as I navigate more, I will (hopefully) continue to deepen and broaden and refine what I know about the world, and about myself.

I think what people mean by being "authentic" is being the self they are today. But that word turns what is a shifting thing moment to moment (I mean literally, your body is constantly shedding old cells and rebuilding new ones as you digest food and breathe air) into something sort of, monumental. "Authentic" — like a museum piece.

I think both "authentic" and "woke" are ways for a person to pat herself on the back for being better than others. That's another (of several) reasons I think it's better to drop it than to defend it.

Also, both "authentic" and "woke" seem to be stopping places, successes, conclusions, pinnacles. Kind of "Yesterday I had something to learn, but today I have ARRIVED where others have not, and cannot."

If a person could have some authentic humility, I wouldn't mind that. 🙂
SandraDodd.com/humility

Learning and changing is fun. It's healthy. It's useful.

Authentic is perhaps labeling the feeling of having cleared out baggage that was blocking a choice. It feels like finally knowing what you really want.

It's a *feeling* of clarity.

Authentic sounds like a deep, philosophical way of expressing, "The more right it feels, the more right it is."

Which is just nonsense.

Clarity requires thought. "Authentic" feelings are often selfish feelings. People have so many layers preventing them from putting themselves on their own priority list. They've put others first because they're *supposed* to. So when they finally clear those layers away, it can feel clear, real, freeing, authentic!

Or they can be thoughts born of fear. Someone who has rejected workbooks has put Satan behind them.

But it's just breaking through the door that blocked passage to the other end of a false dichotomy. "Choose them" becomes "Choose me." "Choose school" becomes "Reject anything like school"

"Authentic" can mean "clear feelings" but those feelings may not come from clear thoughts.

If it can mean more than one thing, it's not as clear as people wish it were.

I can understand the word being used in the beginnings of someone's recovery from childhood conditioning (wherever that might be taking place), or in a group discussion about reactions and emotions. But to carry it as a flag or a goal, and to declare that one has arrived will do more harm than good to future improvement, and probably to interpersonal relationships.

I wasn't justifying it. I am, though, curious about the mental pathways that lead to "authentic" feeling like a prize or an award. It's like "I've got it! I did it! I finally achieved authenticity!"

"Authentic" has a mystical woo woo quality to it. Feeling an answer is right is important for woo.

I knew you weren't defending its longterm use. I was hoping to clarify that it can have use when someone is first considering whether their words could be recitations, or their guilts and concerns could be implants. 🙂

[T]here's much talk about "being authentic." The idea of respecting ourselves is a good one. If we're exhausted, we're exhausted. But being "authentic" about everything will veer away from being a child's partner. If your goal is to support your child—and, again, the forum is here to help people who want to do that—your feelings about Barney, for example, are immaterial. 😉 You need to find a way to see Barney through your child's delight. Do *not* offer your "authentic" feelings about Barney! (If they ask, do be honest but gentle, like, "Not really my favorite but I think it's cool you like him.") If you don't like a child's interest in rap, be "authentic" and you will miss out on sharing a piece of their lives. Find out what they like about it. Ask them to share some songs they think you might like. (source)

I don't use the word "authentic" because there aren't things in our lives that are inauthentic for that to contrast against. The fewer terms and the less jargon people use, the better, if they're trying to look at real, breathing, immediate life.

The urge to tailor responses to make the other person feel okay about choices is strong in many women, but is it "authentic"? Sometimes it's cowardice. Sometimes it's a way to seem close and compassionate while not actually saying anything personal. The more it has the gloss of being thoughtful and personal, the warmer the other mom might feel. (source)

• Say it was “authentic assessment” and not grades. **
  


• Being fearful or disapproving will damage your relationship, which will hinder learning and get in the way of your child making authentic choices (by which I mean not choices influenced by your fear and disapproval). **
  


• I'd want to talk about authentic authority as opposed to purely political authority and all that, because I do think there is authority— **
  


• But if you can find any authentic reason to give thanks, anything that is going right with the world or your life, and put your attention there, then statistics say you're going to be better off. **
  


• ...an authentic desire to do things for your children to help them do more of what is joyful (ie. What they're learning from)... **
  

First, drop “authentic.”
Just be yourself, his mom, and accept him as himself, without the overlay of someone’s definition of “authenticity.” It’s not something you need. It’s not useful.

Oh! You asked twice in one post. 🙂

Look at him, and what he thinks is fun, instead of at wherever you’re looking to see “authentic.”
(that's here)

Thoughts about Changing



More about authenticity



Clarity

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