a story about a grown up unschooler
chris ester
My oldest child is 22 and took his first college class at our local junior college. This is the first academic class that he has ever taken, ever.
He took "Introduction to Programming Logic", a fairly involved freshman level computer course.
He was very nervous about having to get to an appointment every week, not to mention the idea of having to interact with a room full of strangers. Here is where I mention that he is shy and feels anxious in social situations. It has taken him some time, but he now does pretty well in new places and groups, but it was a process for him. He also likes to have a flexible schedule. All of this being said, he decided to take an online only class.
I did my best to not hover, despite being nervous for him. This is the child that did not read independently until he was 13ish (still not entirely sure when it really happened because he was just reading college level material one day) and still barely writes anything, but rather uses his phone or computer to "write" things down. This is the child (all grown up) that did not compose sentences or paragraphs or essays and did most of his reading with books on tape. My concern was that he would be required to write for this class and not have the skills.
Well, all of my worries turned out to be just silly. Yes, he had to write (and spell) for this class and his writing would not be what one would consider "professional level" but it is very much the level of a college freshman. I did give some proof reading services (strictly at his request) at the beginning of the semester, but after the first 3 weeks, he no longer asked for any help and I did not offer. He would occasionally asked about the spelling of some word or other, this is how I knew that he would ask for help if he wanted any, but the occasion never came up.
He also had to complete readings, and then provide written discussion points and comments about what he read as well as about the comments of other students. In addition to this he had to respond to discussion questions from the teacher and complete projects and/or quizzes on a weekly basis. All of this was online in accordance to a preset schedule, with due dates for everything. The last part of the class was a larger project that was due to be completed and submitted by December 10 at noon.
My son, who has had very few deadlines in his unschooler's life completed and submitted his final project today, with about 40 hours to spare. My procrastinator's heart soared at the fact that my child got all of his projects, etc completed each week, without reminders and without "coaxing" (aka nagging). So much for the folks that worried that my kids would never know how to meet a deadline because they had no set schedule at home!
Also, as for grades, he reports that in order to achieve a "B" in the class he would have to earn a 40% on his final project and to get an "A" he would need a 75%. This and he received some very good feedback from his professor and the other much older students.
All of the other students in the class are at least 10 years older, most have full time jobs and at least one mentioned having a child his age. Apparently the computer classes are "professional development" classes geared to older students.
I have to admit that I pushed a little for him to take this first class because he expressed nervousness about being a "failure to launch" (his words, not mine) since at 22 he has no job and no degree. But he initiated picking a class for next semester on his own! Also, he actually said that he enjoyed the class, though it seemed pretty easy.
It feels good to see my kid moving forward and happy!
chris
Sandra Dodd
-=-My son, who has had very few deadlines in his unschooler's life completed and submitted his final project today, with about 40 hours to spare. My procrastinator's heart soared at the fact that my child got all of his projects, etc completed each week, without reminders and without "coaxing" (aka nagging). So much for the folks that worried that my kids would never know how to meet a deadline because they had no set schedule at home! -=-
Cris, he doesn’t know how much that’s just showing off, “40 hours to spare.”
Sheeesh.
I’m impressed. ;-)
I don’t think I ever finished a college project with FOUR hours to spare.
Sandra
Cris, he doesn’t know how much that’s just showing off, “40 hours to spare.”
Sheeesh.
I’m impressed. ;-)
I don’t think I ever finished a college project with FOUR hours to spare.
Sandra
chris ester
Yes! I would have been submitting my project at 11:59 and 30 seconds! I went to a state school that was easy to get into, but touted fairly rigorous academic standards with supports for people who needed them. Matter of fact, I had a paid note taker because I had a major problem translating what I hear into something written. Still do, but I have gotten better. But I got good grades for horrible habits. I would pull the fabled all nighter and finish all 27 projects in the last 72 hours (straight with no sleep and very little caffeine) of the semester and get an A!
I did that all the time. Learned nasty tricks like pairing chocolate and caffeine to wire myself to go without sleep, which caused a major crash at the end of the trip.....
I really just had to brag a bit and let people know that this unschooling thing works, and we really are slackers. Imagine if we were go getters.... lol
Thanks for all of the support that you have given me and mine and everyone else over all of these years.
chris ester
On Sun, Dec 9, 2018 at 3:53 AM Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:-=-My son, who has had very few deadlines in his unschooler's life completed and submitted his final project today, with about 40 hours to spare. My procrastinator's heart soared at the fact that my child got all of his projects, etc completed each week, without reminders and without "coaxing" (aka nagging). So much for the folks that worried that my kids would never know how to meet a deadline because they had no set schedule at home! -=-
Cris, he doesn’t know how much that’s just showing off, “40 hours to spare.”
Sheeesh.
I’m impressed. ;-)
I don’t think I ever finished a college project with FOUR hours to spare.
Sandra
sukaynalabboun@...
Something similar: my 20 yo daughter wants to go to university, and the Ministry of Education will accept a HS degree in lieu of the National exam/ Baccalaureate 2... so she is doing online High School, and well...but finds it a little annoying as she notices there isn't much learning, lots of parroting. This is all coming from similar feelings of "failure to launch" which is more about not following the set track of her peers. She does notice how much more she knows, and in detail, than her schooled peers. She just gets frustrated that the focus seems to be more jumping through hoops than questions/ learning.
I am glad, though, that she chooses to approach life questioning, delving in, and thinking...milking this High School thing for the good parts as she goes. I'm thinking it's fairly common, this sense of wanting to have something (career, degree, whatever) in comparison with her peers. It's a bit tough, though, that she's learning about why we unschooled by seeing what school lacks, in retrospect, sort-of. At least there is no pressure from our end, only help and support!
On Dec 9, 2018, at 10:53 AM, Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
-=-My son, who has had very few deadlines in his unschooler's life completed and submitted his final project today, with about 40 hours to spare. My procrastinator's heart soared at the fact that my child got all of his projects, etc completed each week, without reminders and without "coaxing" (aka nagging). So much for the folks that worried that my kids would never know how to meet a deadline because they had no set schedule at home! -=-
Cris, he doesn’t know how much that’s just showing off, “40 hours to spare.”
Sheeesh.
I’m impressed. ;-)
I don’t think I ever finished a college project with FOUR hours to spare.
Sandra
------------------------------------
Posted by: Sandra Dodd <sandra@...>
------------------------------------
------------------------------------
Yahoo Groups Links
<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlwaysLearning/
<*> Your email settings:
Individual Email | Traditional
<*> To change settings online go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlwaysLearning/join
(Yahoo! ID required)
<*> To change settings via email:
[email protected]
[email protected]
<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
[email protected]
<*> Your use of Yahoo Groups is subject to:
https://info.yahoo.com/legal/us/yahoo/utos/terms/
Sandra Dodd
-=- It's a bit tough, though, that she's learning about why we unschooled by seeing what school lacks,-=-
Seems like a good thing to learn in an honest, natural way, though!
If a parent SAYS that school is vapid and that kids learn to do as little as possible, it will be noise, and kids might not believe it.
Sandra
Seems like a good thing to learn in an honest, natural way, though!
If a parent SAYS that school is vapid and that kids learn to do as little as possible, it will be noise, and kids might not believe it.
Sandra
My Personal Messages
i would like to ask for some much desired help.
what i am doing is not helpful to my son and our relationship.
so i would appreciate some guidance, ideas, knocks upside the head, whatever it takes for me to find a new way to look at things and to learn..
what do i do when the answer is to be no?
admittedly, the answer over the years was never no...as a matter of fact, there nave been neither yes[es] or no[s]. my son had and has ideas, and i embraced them. he sees a way to get things done, a way he wants to do things and enjoys, and i willingly participate.
where the challenge is is when i want something or perhaps do nut want something.
below are some examples. i was not sure if this information was needed or not to clarify my question....
he wants to carry something, and recently, he wants to do it himself, but in the process, he does damage.[by the way thankfully, i have never ever said "I told you so"]
we are working on a project together. he loves to do things quickly which is great in that it gets things done, and not so great because things get damaged. after he does it, he feels badly, says he does not want to damage things,
we were filling up a bin with wood that he requested we do and do together, we discussed beforehand how he wanted to do it, i began as he asked and was stacking the wood. he came and threw a crate of wood on top of where my hands were in the bin, and additionally, the bin broke apart from the force, then he was mad at the bin for breaking,
he wants to carry something downstairs, where there is a mirror at the bottom of the stairs. we talk about different ways that it can be done, a few minutes later he does exactly what we had talked about that might now work, he then says he is sorry.
he enjoys roughhousing which we often do. however, i have explained to him that it is important to let me know first before he begins. he says he understands, and then he does it without warning me, and this time, he knocked me off my feet, because i was not prepared.
he will blow on my neck. i have asked him not to blow on my neck, as i do not like it, he does not stop when i ask him to stop and remind him that i do not like it. he thinks it is funny. we have discussed how he would like it if the situation was reversed. [we do hug often and are physical. it is just this one thing that i do not like]
he will want to stop at the store, and we go. when i want to go, he will argue why we should not go. discussion would be fine, but this seems to occur each time, and he does not say he does not want to go, as much as why it is not a good idea.
the challenge for me is that i feel like the kid in a traditional family. when i am requesting something, he will tell me no,
he is quite self confident, which i believe looks great on him, he will tell me how to do things. however, he speaks in what i perceive is condescending. what i would prefer is that he act toward me like i act toward him...in a partnership, with respect. consideration, and cooperation
please help me figure out what i can do differently.
what can i do before i single-handedly ruin our close relationship?
On Sunday, December 9, 2018, 12:53:30 AM PST, Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
-=-My son, who has had very few deadlines in his unschooler's life completed and submitted his final project today, with about 40 hours to spare. My procrastinator's heart soared at the fact that my child got all of his projects, etc completed each week, without reminders and without "coaxing" (aka nagging). So much for the folks that worried that my kids would never know how to meet a deadline because they had no set schedule at home! -=-
Cris, he doesn’t know how much that’s just showing off, “40 hours to spare.”
Sheeesh.
I’m impressed. ;-)
I don’t think I ever finished a college project with FOUR hours to spare.
Sandra
Sandra Dodd
-=-he wants to carry something downstairs, where there is a mirror at the bottom of the stairs. we talk about different ways that it can be done, a few minutes later he does exactly what we had talked about that might now work, he then says he is sorry.-=-
Might noT work?
(I just typoed “not” for “now” elsewhere—so easy to do.)
How old is he?
Are there other kids?
However you cut and pasted your list of exmples, they showed in in tee-tiny print, so don’t use that method again, please.
I’ll repost that list for the benefit of other readers who might have ideas.
_______________________
below are some examples. i was not sure if this information was needed or not to clarify my question....
he wants to carry something, and recently, he wants to do it himself, but in the process, he does damage.[by the way thankfully, i have never ever said "I told you so"]
we are working on a project together. he loves to do things quickly which is great in that it gets things done, and not so great because things get damaged. after he does it, he feels badly, says he does not want to damage things,
we were filling up a bin with wood that he requested we do and do together, we discussed beforehand how he wanted to do it, i began as he asked and was stacking the wood. he came and threw a crate of wood on top of where my hands were in the bin, and additionally, the bin broke apart from the force, then he was mad at the bin for breaking,
he wants to carry something downstairs, where there is a mirror at the bottom of the stairs. we talk about different ways that it can be done, a few minutes later he does exactly what we had talked about that might now work, he then says he is sorry.
he enjoys roughhousing which we often do. however, i have explained to him that it is important to let me know first before he begins. he says he understands, and then he does it without warning me, and this time, he knocked me off my feet, because i was not prepared.
he will blow on my neck. i have asked him not to blow on my neck, as i do not like it, he does not stop when i ask him to stop and remind him that i do not like it. he thinks it is funny. we have discussed how he would like it if the situation was reversed. [we do hug often and are physical. it is just this one thing that i do not like]
he will want to stop at the store, and we go. when i want to go, he will argue why we should not go. discussion would be fine, but this seems to occur each time, and he does not say he does not want to go, as much as why it is not a good idea.
_________________________________________________________
For any of that, for me I want to know more about the larger family. Two parents? Other kids? How old his he and where in birth order? A better picture would help me.
Sandra
Might noT work?
(I just typoed “not” for “now” elsewhere—so easy to do.)
How old is he?
Are there other kids?
However you cut and pasted your list of exmples, they showed in in tee-tiny print, so don’t use that method again, please.
I’ll repost that list for the benefit of other readers who might have ideas.
_______________________
below are some examples. i was not sure if this information was needed or not to clarify my question....
he wants to carry something, and recently, he wants to do it himself, but in the process, he does damage.[by the way thankfully, i have never ever said "I told you so"]
we are working on a project together. he loves to do things quickly which is great in that it gets things done, and not so great because things get damaged. after he does it, he feels badly, says he does not want to damage things,
we were filling up a bin with wood that he requested we do and do together, we discussed beforehand how he wanted to do it, i began as he asked and was stacking the wood. he came and threw a crate of wood on top of where my hands were in the bin, and additionally, the bin broke apart from the force, then he was mad at the bin for breaking,
he wants to carry something downstairs, where there is a mirror at the bottom of the stairs. we talk about different ways that it can be done, a few minutes later he does exactly what we had talked about that might now work, he then says he is sorry.
he enjoys roughhousing which we often do. however, i have explained to him that it is important to let me know first before he begins. he says he understands, and then he does it without warning me, and this time, he knocked me off my feet, because i was not prepared.
he will blow on my neck. i have asked him not to blow on my neck, as i do not like it, he does not stop when i ask him to stop and remind him that i do not like it. he thinks it is funny. we have discussed how he would like it if the situation was reversed. [we do hug often and are physical. it is just this one thing that i do not like]
he will want to stop at the store, and we go. when i want to go, he will argue why we should not go. discussion would be fine, but this seems to occur each time, and he does not say he does not want to go, as much as why it is not a good idea.
_________________________________________________________
For any of that, for me I want to know more about the larger family. Two parents? Other kids? How old his he and where in birth order? A better picture would help me.
Sandra
My Personal Messages
i wrote the examples small, because i wondered if they were even needed to address my question. i understand not to do it again
the information you requested:
he is an only child, 13, and it is just the two of us.
he is an only child, 13, and it is just the two of us.
Posted by: My Personal Messages <mypersonalmessages1@...>
| Reply via web post | • | Reply to sender | • | Reply to group | • | Start a New Topic | • | Messages in this topic (6) |
Have you tried the highest rated email app?
With 4.5 stars in iTunes, the Yahoo Mail app is the highest rated email app on the market. What are you waiting for? Now you can access all your inboxes (Gmail, Outlook, AOL and more) in one place. Never delete an email again with 1000GB of free cloud storage.
SPONSORED LINKS
.
Belinda D
For me, too, the age of the child is really relevant to this question. The incidents you describe could look so different in different contexts, with different aged children.
However..... One of the themes that run through your descriptions though is that of a lot discussion and dialogue between you. For small children that is probably too much talking. A simple ‘no!’ or ‘Stop that! You know I don’t like it!’ or ‘No, that way will be dangerous let’s think of something else.’ really is sufficient in most cases with young children. Yes you are a team, but remember you are the team leader! Purely because you are more experienced at this thing called life. (not because you are the parent and they ‘owe you respect’ or that sort of thinking).
Belinda
However..... One of the themes that run through your descriptions though is that of a lot discussion and dialogue between you. For small children that is probably too much talking. A simple ‘no!’ or ‘Stop that! You know I don’t like it!’ or ‘No, that way will be dangerous let’s think of something else.’ really is sufficient in most cases with young children. Yes you are a team, but remember you are the team leader! Purely because you are more experienced at this thing called life. (not because you are the parent and they ‘owe you respect’ or that sort of thinking).
Belinda
Sandra Dodd
-=- he is an only child, 13, and it is just the two of us. -=-
This has just been shared on facebook by another unschooler. It couldn’t hurt to have a look.
https://www.quora.com/How-do-I-tell-my-wonderful-11-year-old-son-in-a-way-that-won-t-tear-him-down-that-the-way-he-has-started-talking-to-me-disrespectfully-makes-me-not-want-to-be-around-him-I-ve-already-told-him-the-bad-attitude-is
I agree with Belinda about this: -=-A simple ‘no!’ or ‘Stop that! You know I don’t like it!’ -=-
Don’t talk too much. Just say "I said no” and mean it, if it’s really bothering you. Blowing on people isn’t usually considered to be sanitary or polite. “Heavy breathing” around people necks and ears is a thing, but not between sons and mothers. I don’t say that so you can mention it AT ALL. I’m saying it to balance my previous statement. Seems that in Korea, people will blow on a wound to make it better, the way we have “kiss it and make it better.” Or maybe it’s left over from putting liquid medicine on and blowing it to dry it off.
As he is thirteen, and not three, he should be able to remember.
This, I don’t understand At All: "admittedly, the answer over the years was never no....as a matter of fact, there nave been neither yes[es] or no[s].”
-=-he will blow on my neck. i have asked him not to blow on my neck, as i do not like it, he does not stop when i ask him to stop and remind him that i do not like it. he thinks it is funny. we have discussed how he would like it if the situation was reversed. [we do hug often and are physical. it is just this one thing that i do not like]-=-
Does he stop when friends tell him to stop?
If he’s playing rough with a friend and the friend indicates in ANY way that it’s too much, will he stop?
-=-he does not stop when I ask him to stop-=-
He should not have the option to stop or not to stop when you want him to stop. If you “ask him to stop,” it seems you left it up to him. If that has gone on for thirteen years, he might have good reason to beleive that it’s his option, to stop, or to do whatever he wants to do.
-=-he enjoys roughhousing which we often do. however, i have explained to him that it is important to let me know first before he begins. he says he understands, and then he does it without warning me, and this time, he knocked me off my feet, because i was not prepared.-=-
Martial arts classes might solve everything. He could be rough, test his limits, learn how and why NOT to be reckless and dangerous.
-=- i have explained to him that it is important to let me know first before he begins. he says he understands, and then he does it without warning me, and this time, he knocked me off my feet, because i was not prepared.-=-
I hope you yelled loud enough to scare him. I hope you treated it as you might if a stranger blasted in and knocked you to the ground.
“Without warning me” is also a step removed from “without asking if you want to.” A warning isn’t enough. Every year, he’s older and bigger, and you’re older and frailer. If you’re not feeling frail yet, project those age curves out 10 or 20 years.
-=-the challenge for me is that i feel like the kid in a traditional family. when i am requesting something, he will tell me no, -=-
Don’t request. State.
Is there another place he could live? Another parent? Grandparents? Parents of a friend? Is it possible that it would be a sobering thought for you to suggest that if he’s going to break things, knock you down and ignore you that it might be better for him to live somewhere else?
A couple of times when my oldest complained about something at about that same age (12 ish, 13, I think), I asked if he knew of another family that would be better for him. I suggested a particular family he was hanging out with a lot, once, and said “If we help them with their groceries and house payments, would it be better for you to live there?” I didn’t say it in anger, I wasn’t being snarky. I was trying to induce him to think more clearly about what he DID have, and what he had to lose—what his advantages were in our family, in our house.
Sandra
This has just been shared on facebook by another unschooler. It couldn’t hurt to have a look.
https://www.quora.com/How-do-I-tell-my-wonderful-11-year-old-son-in-a-way-that-won-t-tear-him-down-that-the-way-he-has-started-talking-to-me-disrespectfully-makes-me-not-want-to-be-around-him-I-ve-already-told-him-the-bad-attitude-is
I agree with Belinda about this: -=-A simple ‘no!’ or ‘Stop that! You know I don’t like it!’ -=-
Don’t talk too much. Just say "I said no” and mean it, if it’s really bothering you. Blowing on people isn’t usually considered to be sanitary or polite. “Heavy breathing” around people necks and ears is a thing, but not between sons and mothers. I don’t say that so you can mention it AT ALL. I’m saying it to balance my previous statement. Seems that in Korea, people will blow on a wound to make it better, the way we have “kiss it and make it better.” Or maybe it’s left over from putting liquid medicine on and blowing it to dry it off.
As he is thirteen, and not three, he should be able to remember.
This, I don’t understand At All: "admittedly, the answer over the years was never no....as a matter of fact, there nave been neither yes[es] or no[s].”
-=-he will blow on my neck. i have asked him not to blow on my neck, as i do not like it, he does not stop when i ask him to stop and remind him that i do not like it. he thinks it is funny. we have discussed how he would like it if the situation was reversed. [we do hug often and are physical. it is just this one thing that i do not like]-=-
Does he stop when friends tell him to stop?
If he’s playing rough with a friend and the friend indicates in ANY way that it’s too much, will he stop?
-=-he does not stop when I ask him to stop-=-
He should not have the option to stop or not to stop when you want him to stop. If you “ask him to stop,” it seems you left it up to him. If that has gone on for thirteen years, he might have good reason to beleive that it’s his option, to stop, or to do whatever he wants to do.
-=-he enjoys roughhousing which we often do. however, i have explained to him that it is important to let me know first before he begins. he says he understands, and then he does it without warning me, and this time, he knocked me off my feet, because i was not prepared.-=-
Martial arts classes might solve everything. He could be rough, test his limits, learn how and why NOT to be reckless and dangerous.
-=- i have explained to him that it is important to let me know first before he begins. he says he understands, and then he does it without warning me, and this time, he knocked me off my feet, because i was not prepared.-=-
I hope you yelled loud enough to scare him. I hope you treated it as you might if a stranger blasted in and knocked you to the ground.
“Without warning me” is also a step removed from “without asking if you want to.” A warning isn’t enough. Every year, he’s older and bigger, and you’re older and frailer. If you’re not feeling frail yet, project those age curves out 10 or 20 years.
-=-the challenge for me is that i feel like the kid in a traditional family. when i am requesting something, he will tell me no, -=-
Don’t request. State.
Is there another place he could live? Another parent? Grandparents? Parents of a friend? Is it possible that it would be a sobering thought for you to suggest that if he’s going to break things, knock you down and ignore you that it might be better for him to live somewhere else?
A couple of times when my oldest complained about something at about that same age (12 ish, 13, I think), I asked if he knew of another family that would be better for him. I suggested a particular family he was hanging out with a lot, once, and said “If we help them with their groceries and house payments, would it be better for you to live there?” I didn’t say it in anger, I wasn’t being snarky. I was trying to induce him to think more clearly about what he DID have, and what he had to lose—what his advantages were in our family, in our house.
Sandra
Sandra Dodd
-=-he is quite self confident, which i believe looks great on him, he will tell me how to do things. however, he speaks in what i perceive is condescending. what i would prefer is that he act toward me like i act toward him...in a partnership, with respect. consideration, and cooperation-=-
Maybe you have not made him have as much confience in *you* as he might have had if you were more definite about what was and was not okay. You’re his coach in the world!
http://sandradodd.com/coaching
Sandra
Maybe you have not made him have as much confience in *you* as he might have had if you were more definite about what was and was not okay. You’re his coach in the world!
http://sandradodd.com/coaching
Sandra
Sandra Dodd
The original mom who’s asking sent a post I sent back with a couple of problems, but here is most of what she wrote:
______________________
i understand that i never used to say no, because i did guide. and he and i would figure things out,
now, i am saying no, and he will eventually stop, but usually after we talk
i [and the two of us together] definitely talk too much. i am doing so because i want to resolve this, but i do recognize that this could adversely affect my son
i agree that my son may not have as much respect now as he did, he certainly says it when he is upset. however, he tells me every time that he does not mean what he says when he is angry, he asks me every time not to believe a word he says. he shares with me that he does not know why he says the things he does, he also will stop, just takes alot of talking and bribery or consequences,
i am chagrined about my reactions and my behavior, but i also want to make sure i help him to traverse this journey,
so i created this problem. what can i do to do things to remedy it?.
what you have stated thus far is to say no clearly, without asking him. i will definitely pay close attention to see that i do this, you also said he should remember at his age, his actions do not reflect that.
i know you do not want platitudes, but i hope i can just let you know how much i appreciate this opportunity to learn and grow and most importantly, to be given this chance to help me to do better for my son,
____________________________________
end of quote
____________________________________
I will come back to some of that, but this seems the best link to leave:
http://sandradodd.com/readalittle
It is an expansion on “Read a little, try a little, wait a while, watch.”
Sandra
______________________
i understand that i never used to say no, because i did guide. and he and i would figure things out,
now, i am saying no, and he will eventually stop, but usually after we talk
i [and the two of us together] definitely talk too much. i am doing so because i want to resolve this, but i do recognize that this could adversely affect my son
i agree that my son may not have as much respect now as he did, he certainly says it when he is upset. however, he tells me every time that he does not mean what he says when he is angry, he asks me every time not to believe a word he says. he shares with me that he does not know why he says the things he does, he also will stop, just takes alot of talking and bribery or consequences,
i am chagrined about my reactions and my behavior, but i also want to make sure i help him to traverse this journey,
so i created this problem. what can i do to do things to remedy it?.
what you have stated thus far is to say no clearly, without asking him. i will definitely pay close attention to see that i do this, you also said he should remember at his age, his actions do not reflect that.
i know you do not want platitudes, but i hope i can just let you know how much i appreciate this opportunity to learn and grow and most importantly, to be given this chance to help me to do better for my son,
____________________________________
end of quote
____________________________________
I will come back to some of that, but this seems the best link to leave:
http://sandradodd.com/readalittle
It is an expansion on “Read a little, try a little, wait a while, watch.”
Sandra
Sandra Dodd
-=-i understand that i never used to say no, because i did guide. and he and i would figure things out,-=-
It might be more obvious in a larger family or group than two, but family meetings are often one person saying what needs to happen, and other people agreeing just to get the meeitng over with.
Family meetings have been discussed before, but I don’t seem to have made a page to collect that. There’s a mention at the bottom of http://sandradodd.com/peace/fighting by a dad telling his memory of one, when he was a kid.
-=-i [and the two of us together] definitely talk too much. i am doing so because i want to resolve this, but i do recognize that this could adversely affect my son-=-
This page will be good. It’s not only about talking less, it’s about the inability of kids to understand, or their desire to please a parent by being agreeable.
http://sandradodd.com/quiet
It will take a while. Starting, gently, now will help. Not trying, or going to fast—both would be problems.
http://sandradodd.com/gradualchange
Sandra
It might be more obvious in a larger family or group than two, but family meetings are often one person saying what needs to happen, and other people agreeing just to get the meeitng over with.
Family meetings have been discussed before, but I don’t seem to have made a page to collect that. There’s a mention at the bottom of http://sandradodd.com/peace/fighting by a dad telling his memory of one, when he was a kid.
-=-i [and the two of us together] definitely talk too much. i am doing so because i want to resolve this, but i do recognize that this could adversely affect my son-=-
This page will be good. It’s not only about talking less, it’s about the inability of kids to understand, or their desire to please a parent by being agreeable.
http://sandradodd.com/quiet
It will take a while. Starting, gently, now will help. Not trying, or going to fast—both would be problems.
http://sandradodd.com/gradualchange
Sandra
Sandra Dodd
-=-what i would prefer is that he act toward me like i act toward him...in a partnership, with respect. consideration, and cooperation-=-
You’re his mom. You have obligations and emotions and instincts regarding your own child that he doesn’t, can’t, and will never have toward you.
The idea of being a child’s partner is lending him your abilities so he can reach higher, stay longer, have access to supplies, etc. Not seeing him as the enemy, but as someone you are to aid and help.
Looking for an equal partnership with someone who is nearly a teen could be a problem. The partnership never should have been any 50/50 deal.
http://sandradodd.com/peace/mama (near the top)
http://sandradodd.com/chats/bigbook/pages_175-184_choreServe.html (search the page for 50)
If things don’t get better in a few months or if you’re more worried than these ideas can help with, maybe read some about codependency, and detachment. Reading it doesn’t mean it’s what the situation is, or needs, but reading about it might help you figure out what is and isn’t, might be, could be.
Sandra
You’re his mom. You have obligations and emotions and instincts regarding your own child that he doesn’t, can’t, and will never have toward you.
The idea of being a child’s partner is lending him your abilities so he can reach higher, stay longer, have access to supplies, etc. Not seeing him as the enemy, but as someone you are to aid and help.
Looking for an equal partnership with someone who is nearly a teen could be a problem. The partnership never should have been any 50/50 deal.
http://sandradodd.com/peace/mama (near the top)
http://sandradodd.com/chats/bigbook/pages_175-184_choreServe.html (search the page for 50)
If things don’t get better in a few months or if you’re more worried than these ideas can help with, maybe read some about codependency, and detachment. Reading it doesn’t mean it’s what the situation is, or needs, but reading about it might help you figure out what is and isn’t, might be, could be.
Sandra