Finding friends
Sarah Thompson
My almost 7yo often says he is bored if his brother isn't playing with him. I play with him, but I'm not as sparkly, I don't think. I want to be, I try to be, but I know it's not the same. Also, I am in school and there are times when I need to do school work and thus am not as available. I have not been able to find a mother's helper who can come over and play during the day.
His one other friend that lives close by is in school and is almost ten; he's happy to play with my son but he is busy with school and sports and friends his age, so that isn't a regular option.
I think I need to find more fun friends so that I can get him the kind of interactions that he is craving. When his brother does anything without him out of the house, he freaks out and my older child feels guilty. He needs his own circle, so there are some alternatives when his brother is busy or uninterested in his stuff.
In an effort to do this, I joined a new local homeschool coop. Our old coop was really great; the "classes" were mostly just projects and games and it was very informal. We got lots of free play and relationships out of it, which we all needed. Sadly, it disbanded.
This new coop is very schooly. I can hear my language and thoughts becoming schooly again. The expectations of the children are schooly. Part of my responsibility is to offer classes, which puts me in the position of teacher, and I'm uncomfortable. Because the group is new and large, he has not made any friends there yet. My older child is happy there because he is doing some activities he enjoys that I didn't have resources for, like archery and group games. I am not sure whether to continue in the coop, whether it is hindering my growth as an unschooling parent, whether it is hindering my kids (especially L, the younger). I am also not sure how to meet L's need for cool boys who will play sword battles, and how to meet my need to get my work done so that I can start to have a career again.
I realized in the money thread how easily I have fallen into this schooly mentality of thinking about activities in terms of their teaching potential, and of imposing objectives onto my expectations.
I want my home to be joyful and bright. I want my children to continue to love themselves as who they are, where they are, without external criteria. I feel I am losing my way, and as I read Sandra's site yesterday and today, I felt very much that I was doing better before now, and that I am foundering.
Is it possible to be in this coop and still be unschooling? If it is not, is there a better way to dind social engagements that meet his needs? How am I getting in my own way?
Cass Kotrba
---Is it possible to be in this coop and still be unschooling? If it is not, is there a better way to dind social engagements that meet his needs?---
We unschooled for 2 years and then my daughter decided to go back to school. It was a challenge for me because I was just starting to really "get" unschooling and I was afraid it would slip away from me and I would slide back into old thought patterns. I made up my mind that instead of letting this experience pull me backwards I would use it as an opportunity to take my understanding to a deeper level. To take the experiences we were having and try to really understand the dynamic of what was happening, how it was effecting the kids there - including my own - and use my new unschooling knowledge to see beneath the surface of what was happening. It was not an easy time but I can see in hindsight how much we all learned and grew from that experience. I emerged much stronger and clearer in my understanding.
When you see yourself sliding back into old, engrained thought patterns, spend some time questioning yourself and thinking through why you think differently now and use it as an opportunity to move thoughtfully forward. Sliding back isn't a problem if you recognize that you're doing it and choose to move forward and work your way through the puzzle.
As for staying at the co-op, how do your boys feel about it? Do they want to continue? Why or why not? What can you do to support them to make it a better fit? And when/if THEY decide it's not a good fit then gracefully find a way to support them, whether that be supporting them so they do feel happy to continue or help extricate them from the commitment as gracefully as you can manage.
--How am I getting in my own way?--
By thinking this is something that you need to "fix" rather than letting it gently unfold while you support. By thinking it's a yes or no question. Life is not a test, it's an experience that unfolds. Try to tweak and nudge as you flow with it, not make huge definitive statements or have set expectations. Focus on the good and beautiful, try to expand that instead of focusing on the negative and scaring yourself into a feeling of failure or helplessness.
Life will have challenges. Don't expect that if you do it "just right" there won't be bumps in the road. Accept the bumps and don't let them overwhelm you or take them as a sign of your inadequacy. Being unschoolers does not opt us out of life's challenges. Hopefully it gives us tools to think things through and make thoughtful choices and decisions so that we can gracefully flow forward through our experiences.
-Cass
Sent from my iPhone
We unschooled for 2 years and then my daughter decided to go back to school. It was a challenge for me because I was just starting to really "get" unschooling and I was afraid it would slip away from me and I would slide back into old thought patterns. I made up my mind that instead of letting this experience pull me backwards I would use it as an opportunity to take my understanding to a deeper level. To take the experiences we were having and try to really understand the dynamic of what was happening, how it was effecting the kids there - including my own - and use my new unschooling knowledge to see beneath the surface of what was happening. It was not an easy time but I can see in hindsight how much we all learned and grew from that experience. I emerged much stronger and clearer in my understanding.
When you see yourself sliding back into old, engrained thought patterns, spend some time questioning yourself and thinking through why you think differently now and use it as an opportunity to move thoughtfully forward. Sliding back isn't a problem if you recognize that you're doing it and choose to move forward and work your way through the puzzle.
As for staying at the co-op, how do your boys feel about it? Do they want to continue? Why or why not? What can you do to support them to make it a better fit? And when/if THEY decide it's not a good fit then gracefully find a way to support them, whether that be supporting them so they do feel happy to continue or help extricate them from the commitment as gracefully as you can manage.
--How am I getting in my own way?--
By thinking this is something that you need to "fix" rather than letting it gently unfold while you support. By thinking it's a yes or no question. Life is not a test, it's an experience that unfolds. Try to tweak and nudge as you flow with it, not make huge definitive statements or have set expectations. Focus on the good and beautiful, try to expand that instead of focusing on the negative and scaring yourself into a feeling of failure or helplessness.
Life will have challenges. Don't expect that if you do it "just right" there won't be bumps in the road. Accept the bumps and don't let them overwhelm you or take them as a sign of your inadequacy. Being unschoolers does not opt us out of life's challenges. Hopefully it gives us tools to think things through and make thoughtful choices and decisions so that we can gracefully flow forward through our experiences.
-Cass
Sent from my iPhone
Kelly Callahan
My daughter love(d) the co-op we belonged to: the classes, being a student in the classes, the social scene, and leading classes. My son hated it. We had to figure something out so that he didn't' have to go. That solved our problem. My kids don't have the same relationship yours do, so that piece is not the same. It took me too long of my son being miserable and telling me he didn't want to go for me to realize that he didn't have to, and to make other arrangements.
I can't tell from your post if L likes the co-op or not. If he likes it and is willing to go, then I guess the work is more with you in your own mindset in terms of how it's infiltrating your thoughts. I think some kids can participate in something like a co op that has schoolish expectations without it hindering their own process. And again, some kids just like that. My daughter does. Especially when she chooses it and it isn't imposed on her. That's the difference.
I'm sure others will have ideas/ thoughts about your son and playing and friends.
I have learned to be creative about when I get work done, how to do it in bits and pieces... 10 min here, 20 min there. While I detest getting up really early, sometimes I do, because that's the time I have without it interfering too much on my kid time. I set myself up to be ready to work during those times when my kids are both engaged- setting up for 'work' can't be a big ordeal. I need to be able to get to it fast. When my husband is home on the weekends, I will block out big 3-4 hour chunks when I need it, and go to a separate space.
I don't like feeling like I'm not doing my work, or unschooling, well. And that happens when I begin to resent one for cutting into the time with other. That is my cue to be more observant of my time... am I only 1/2 paying attention to my kids while trying to do email? Am I telling them 'no i can't take you xyz because I have to work?' when really I could if I was creative and efficient when I do have time available.
I also find that it's an on-going situation to balance. Some weeks it feels really good and seamless. Other weeks not so much. I'm not a natural planner, but that always helps.
Also, it has been important to me that my life is not just the dichotomy of my kids/work. I make sure I am doing other stuff as well, pulling out some creative projects whether my kids join in or not. I think this helps with the 'sparkly' factor.
On Sat, Oct 29, 2016 at 1:31 PM, Sarah Thompson thompsonisland@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:My almost 7yo often says he is bored if his brother isn't playing with him. I play with him, but I'm not as sparkly, I don't think. I want to be, I try to be, but I know it's not the same. Also, I am in school and there are times when I need to do school work and thus am not as available. I have not been able to find a mother's helper who can come over and play during the day.
His one other friend that lives close by is in school and is almost ten; he's happy to play with my son but he is busy with school and sports and friends his age, so that isn't a regular option.I think I need to find more fun friends so that I can get him the kind of interactions that he is craving. When his brother does anything without him out of the house, he freaks out and my older child feels guilty. He needs his own circle, so there are some alternatives when his brother is busy or uninterested in his stuff.In an effort to do this, I joined a new local homeschool coop. Our old coop was really great; the "classes" were mostly just projects and games and it was very informal. We got lots of free play and relationships out of it, which we all needed. Sadly, it disbanded.This new coop is very schooly. I can hear my language and thoughts becoming schooly again. The expectations of the children are schooly. Part of my responsibility is to offer classes, which puts me in the position of teacher, and I'm uncomfortable. Because the group is new and large, he has not made any friends there yet. My older child is happy there because he is doing some activities he enjoys that I didn't have resources for, like archery and group games. I am not sure whether to continue in the coop, whether it is hindering my growth as an unschooling parent, whether it is hindering my kids (especially L, the younger). I am also not sure how to meet L's need for cool boys who will play sword battles, and how to meet my need to get my work done so that I can start to have a career again.I realized in the money thread how easily I have fallen into this schooly mentality of thinking about activities in terms of their teaching potential, and of imposing objectives onto my expectations.I want my home to be joyful and bright. I want my children to continue to love themselves as who they are, where they are, without external criteria. I feel I am losing my way, and as I read Sandra's site yesterday and today, I felt very much that I was doing better before now, and that I am foundering.Is it possible to be in this coop and still be unschooling? If it is not, is there a better way to dind social engagements that meet his needs? How am I getting in my own way?--Kelly Callahan CCHConcentric Healing Classical Homeopathy(207) 691-6798
Jo Isaac
==How am I getting in my own way?==
Maybe by seeing the co-op as the one place to make and find friends? I don't know if that is the case, but your post didn't mention any other options.
Is there a more informal homeschooling park day near you - rather than the coop with organized activities? It there are not many unschoolers near where you live, it's often easier to interact with school-at-homers at the park, rather than in a more schooly
atmosphere.
If there is a local more unschooly group - great!
Has your son made any friends at the coop that you could organize a 1 on 1 with outside fo going to the coop, yet?
In the past, in an area where we lived where there were a lot of 'organized' homeschool activities, but nothing much that was less formal, I started a facebook group specifically for park days and open gym and other fun meet ups. If it doesn't exist already,
I'd suggest making such a group and advertising it locally.
Jo
Sandra Dodd
-=-as I read Sandra's site yesterday and today, I felt very much that I was doing better before now, and that I am foundering. -=-
If you read some EVERY day, you’ll be more on track.
This might help:
http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com
Sandra
If you read some EVERY day, you’ll be more on track.
This might help:
http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com
Sandra
Sandra Dodd
-=---How am I getting in my own way?—=-
I liked some of the other suggestons fine.
If you feel that the co-op is going a direction you don’t want to go, then that could get in your way. Nothing anyone else says will change it.
If you expect too much of the co-op (friendships) it will be frustrating for you and maybe the kids too. And if you’re willing to be there but would later not be a good match with the other family (if you’re unschooling and they’re "doing school,” and if the parents only wanted to associate with kids who are doing school, it might be a lot of investment into a relationship that won’t be easy.
That might be too much thinking on my part. :-) But I have seen people “infiltrate” homeschooling or unschooling groups looking for friends and NOT honestly wanting to be a part of the group, and it’s not as cool as could be, and has caused frustrations sometimes.
Sandra
I liked some of the other suggestons fine.
If you feel that the co-op is going a direction you don’t want to go, then that could get in your way. Nothing anyone else says will change it.
If you expect too much of the co-op (friendships) it will be frustrating for you and maybe the kids too. And if you’re willing to be there but would later not be a good match with the other family (if you’re unschooling and they’re "doing school,” and if the parents only wanted to associate with kids who are doing school, it might be a lot of investment into a relationship that won’t be easy.
That might be too much thinking on my part. :-) But I have seen people “infiltrate” homeschooling or unschooling groups looking for friends and NOT honestly wanting to be a part of the group, and it’s not as cool as could be, and has caused frustrations sometimes.
Sandra
jsearthmom@...
>>>Part of my responsibility is to offer classes, which puts me in theposition of teacher, and I'm uncomfortable. Because the group is new and large, he has not made any friends there yet>>>>
We belong to a co-op that at times has been more academic minded, but now offers a decent mix of schooly classes and social classes. All parents are asked to volunteer in some way and I choose to lead a class. I started by offering to lead a class that would be interesting to my own kids.
If the other co-op was disbanded, it is possible that there are some other kids and parents who are looking for a class that is a little more social also. It would be worthwhile to talk with whomever is in charge to ask if you could offer a ____ class because your son is interested in that.
I often lead a craft class or art class, and then make it as fun as possible, with as few rules as possible. That way, the kids in my class have a chance to talk to each other and make new friends.
Karen Angstadt
Karen James
***I am also not sure how to meet L's need for cool boys who will play sword battles, and how to meet my need to get my work done so that I can start to have a career again.***
Maybe you could host a gathering at your home or in a nearby park, centered around your son's interests. We have done that with gaming and general get-togethers. You could have an afternoon bbq or potluck, setting up some kind of fun obstacle course (that includes sword play) in the back yard for the kids to explore and to allow them become more familiar with each other. If it's a success, you could hold it once a month, maybe, until the kids start asking to get together other times and in other ways. Do you have a local homeschooling/unschooling Facebook page or Yahoo List? Could post your invitations there?
Maybe you could host a gathering at your home or in a nearby park, centered around your son's interests. We have done that with gaming and general get-togethers. You could have an afternoon bbq or potluck, setting up some kind of fun obstacle course (that includes sword play) in the back yard for the kids to explore and to allow them become more familiar with each other. If it's a success, you could hold it once a month, maybe, until the kids start asking to get together other times and in other ways. Do you have a local homeschooling/unschooling Facebook page or Yahoo List? Could post your invitations there?
If your son likes more physical activities, are there groups suited to his interests that he could join? Outdoor groups or boys groups? Would he be interested in learning to swim, for example? Our son met one of his (still) best friends at a class at the YMCA when he was younger. In the past, we've enjoyed pumpkin patches, apple picking, roller blading, ice skating, just for some ideas. Could you host outings?
Perhaps you can get your work done in the evenings or in the morning until you find people who can spend time with your younger son. Look for times when he doesn't need you as much, and work then for a while.
Karen James
Karen James
On Sat, Oct 29, 2016 at 10:31 AM, Sarah Thompson thompsonisland@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:My almost 7yo often says he is bored if his brother isn't playing with him. I play with him, but I'm not as sparkly, I don't think. I want to be, I try to be, but I know it's not the same. Also, I am in school and there are times when I need to do school work and thus am not as available. I have not been able to find a mother's helper who can come over and play during the day.
His one other friend that lives close by is in school and is almost ten; he's happy to play with my son but he is busy with school and sports and friends his age, so that isn't a regular option.I think I need to find more fun friends so that I can get him the kind of interactions that he is craving. When his brother does anything without him out of the house, he freaks out and my older child feels guilty. He needs his own circle, so there are some alternatives when his brother is busy or uninterested in his stuff.In an effort to do this, I joined a new local homeschool coop. Our old coop was really great; the "classes" were mostly just projects and games and it was very informal. We got lots of free play and relationships out of it, which we all needed. Sadly, it disbanded.This new coop is very schooly. I can hear my language and thoughts becoming schooly again. The expectations of the children are schooly. Part of my responsibility is to offer classes, which puts me in the position of teacher, and I'm uncomfortable. Because the group is new and large, he has not made any friends there yet. My older child is happy there because he is doing some activities he enjoys that I didn't have resources for, like archery and group games. I am not sure whether to continue in the coop, whether it is hindering my growth as an unschooling parent, whether it is hindering my kids (especially L, the younger). I am also not sure how to meet L's need for cool boys who will play sword battles, and how to meet my need to get my work done so that I can start to have a career again.I realized in the money thread how easily I have fallen into this schooly mentality of thinking about activities in terms of their teaching potential, and of imposing objectives onto my expectations.I want my home to be joyful and bright. I want my children to continue to love themselves as who they are, where they are, without external criteria. I feel I am losing my way, and as I read Sandra's site yesterday and today, I felt very much that I was doing better before now, and that I am foundering.Is it possible to be in this coop and still be unschooling? If it is not, is there a better way to dind social engagements that meet his needs? How am I getting in my own way?
Robyn Coburn
You mentioned an enjoyable coop in the past that disbanded, although you don't say why. Could you contact some of those families you all liked and create a new home schooler park day group for the younger especially, or maybe outings to fun local places on some regular schedule? Groups for socializing and free play don't have to be or be called "co-ops".
Is your older kid's participation in the Coop contingent on you offering classes? Do it have to be an "academic" class? Could it be something arts and crafts?
Robyn Coburn
Résumé Review http://WorkInProduction.com
Creativity Blast http://IggyJingles.com
Design Team http://scraPerfect.com
Is your older kid's participation in the Coop contingent on you offering classes? Do it have to be an "academic" class? Could it be something arts and crafts?
Robyn Coburn
Résumé Review http://WorkInProduction.com
Creativity Blast http://IggyJingles.com
Design Team http://scraPerfect.com
Sarah Thompson
At what age did your kids really start to make friends? My kids are 7 and 11 in March. The older child is social and comfortable, and makes friends easily. The younger child has a harder time connecting, and generally wants to play with older kids, but that doesn't always work for the older kids. I joined a coop so that I would have some structure to help me find a group for him, but I'm not sure that it is going to be a comfortable home for us as unschoolers. I'm wondering, if it doesn't end up being a fit, what others who have been there already can tell me about their experiences. Does this all shake out? How active do I need to be in facilitating friendships for him?
Sarah
Sandra Dodd
-=-Does this all shake out? How active do I need to be in facilitating friendships for him?-=-
Lots, when he’s seven.
Find things he’s interested in, show up early, hang around a while after.
Create an activity maybe—a games day or an outing—and invite another child.
Trade childcare with another family sometimes. Maybe the kids will hit it off.
Hire a slightly older child to play with him, perhaps.
Sandra
Lots, when he’s seven.
Find things he’s interested in, show up early, hang around a while after.
Create an activity maybe—a games day or an outing—and invite another child.
Trade childcare with another family sometimes. Maybe the kids will hit it off.
Hire a slightly older child to play with him, perhaps.
Sandra
Megan Valnes
-=-Does this all shake out? How active do I need to be in facilitating friendships for him?-=-
Does he play video or computer games? Are you a member of the Yahoo group Unschooling Gamers? My younger son just turned 8 and he has made friends with a few kids from the Yahoo unschooling gamer group as well as playing on Roblox, and some younger siblings of my older kids' friends. Sometimes, I get on with my son and type for him in the chat boxes (he can't read/write yet) and he makes temporary friends during his game. Also, we do participate in some classes and/or group activities where he will make a quick friend or two. I try to stay in touch with the parents in case he wants to pursue the friendship, which he occasionally does. I find that outside friendships are not that important to my recently turned 8 year old, nor my 5 year old daughter. My older kids (10 & 12) are much more interested in friends and have made sure to find connections with other kids that work for them, be it in "real life" or in video games. My 10 & 12 year old both consider their best friends to be kids they have met online and Skype with daily.
Warmly,
Megan
keeping it real since 1981
On Wed, Feb 8, 2017 at 10:13 PM, Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:-=-Does this all shake out? How active do I need to be in facilitating friendships for him?-=-
Lots, when he’s seven.
Find things he’s interested in, show up early, hang around a while after.
Create an activity maybe—a games day or an outing—and invite another child.
Trade childcare with another family sometimes. Maybe the kids will hit it off.
Hire a slightly older child to play with him, perhaps.
Sandra
Sarah Thompson
What he really wants is for kids to voice chat with him on the XBox, but even Skype on Steam might be okay. Maybe I'll see if I can find a crew for him on fb. If anyone has XBox One Overwatch, Star Wars Battlefront, or GMod or TF2 on Steam, and your kids are open to a 7yo buddy, maybe let me know through this email? Is that okay to ask?
Sarah
Megan Valnes
If you're not already a member, join the Yahoo group Unschooling Gamers. You can send out requests from there :).
On Thu, Feb 9, 2017 at 2:57 PM Sarah Thompson thompsonisland@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
What he really wants is for kids to voice chat with him on the XBox, but even Skype on Steam might be okay. Maybe I'll see if I can find a crew for him on fb. If anyone has XBox One Overwatch, Star Wars Battlefront, or GMod or TF2 on Steam, and your kids are open to a 7yo buddy, maybe let me know through this email? Is that okay to ask?
Sarah
--
Warmly,
Megan
*keeping it real since 1981*
Megan
*keeping it real since 1981*
Dola Dasgupta
My son is 11 and a gamer. A lot of his socialization happens online over Skype with his other gaming friends, who live in others cities and even other countries. He has started a YouTube channel and records together with other friends of his online. He has both older and younger such online gamin buddies. They share games on Steam Library.
Dola
On Fri, Feb 10, 2017 at 4:24 AM, Sarah Thompson thompsonisland@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:What he really wants is for kids to voice chat with him on the XBox, but even Skype on Steam might be okay. Maybe I'll see if I can find a crew for him on fb. If anyone has XBox One Overwatch, Star Wars Battlefront, or GMod or TF2 on Steam, and your kids are open to a 7yo buddy, maybe let me know through this email? Is that okay to ask?
Sarah--http://homeschoolers.in" The only gift we can give our children is the gift they are born with. That is the gift of Self."Dola Dasgupta
Rino Lien
Hi Sarah
We live in Tokyo, I have three boys ages 12, 8 and 6. The 12 & 6 do XBox Starwars battlefront and have also been asking for doing online battles.
However, I will confess that currently my boys do go to school after homeschooling for 2 and a half years. I am on this group because the latter half of our homeschooling was Unschooling where I saw with my very own eyes how happy and blooming my boys were. It was incredible to see the power of "wanting to know".
Anyhow, school came in the picture because my boys wanted to go. They love it now because they made friends. I am torn because the school wants to be A-typical but operates like conventional schools. It's behind the scene stuff kids don't see. I call it the Pied Piper of Hamelin situation.
Sorry I got sidetracked.
If you are ok with how we are at the moment, we can take advantage of the Internet and let the kids play with an ocean in between!
Kind regards,
Rino
iPhoneから送信
My son is 11 and a gamer. A lot of his socialization happens online over Skype with his other gaming friends, who live in others cities and even other countries. He has started a YouTube channel and records together with other friends of his online. He has both older and younger such online gamin buddies. They share games on Steam Library.DolaOn Fri, Feb 10, 2017 at 4:24 AM, Sarah Thompson thompsonisland@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:What he really wants is for kids to voice chat with him on the XBox, but even Skype on Steam might be okay. Maybe I'll see if I can find a crew for him on fb. If anyone has XBox One Overwatch, Star Wars Battlefront, or GMod or TF2 on Steam, and your kids are open to a 7yo buddy, maybe let me know through this email? Is that okay to ask?
Sarah--http://homeschoolers.in" The only gift we can give our children is the gift they are born with. That is the gift of Self."Dola Dasgupta
Sarah Thompson
We are happy to play! Feel free to friend Stormtrooper604 and invite him to a game anytime!
Hi SarahWe live in Tokyo, I have three boys ages 12, 8 and 6. The 12 & 6 do XBox Starwars battlefront and have also been asking for doing online battles.However, I will confess that currently my boys do go to school after homeschooling for 2 and a half years. I am on this group because the latter half of our homeschooling was Unschooling where I saw with my very own eyes how happy and blooming my boys were. It was incredible to see the power of "wanting to know".Anyhow, school came in the picture because my boys wanted to go. They love it now because they made friends. I am torn because the school wants to be A-typical but operates like conventional schools. It's behind the scene stuff kids don't see. I call it the Pied Piper of Hamelin situation.Sorry I got sidetracked.If you are ok with how we are at the moment, we can take advantage of the Internet and let the kids play with an ocean in between!Kind regards,Rino
iPhoneから送信My son is 11 and a gamer. A lot of his socialization happens online over Skype with his other gaming friends, who live in others cities and even other countries. He has started a YouTube channel and records together with other friends of his online. He has both older and younger such online gamin buddies. They share games on Steam Library.DolaOn Fri, Feb 10, 2017 at 4:24 AM, Sarah Thompson thompsonisland@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:What he really wants is for kids to voice chat with him on the XBox, but even Skype on Steam might be okay. Maybe I'll see if I can find a crew for him on fb. If anyone has XBox One Overwatch, Star Wars Battlefront, or GMod or TF2 on Steam, and your kids are open to a 7yo buddy, maybe let me know through this email? Is that okay to ask?
Sarah--http://homeschoolers.in" The only gift we can give our children is the gift they are born with. That is the gift of Self."Dola Dasgupta
lbrumery@...
Sarah, you brought up something that I have been trying to help my daughter (almost 8) with more, and that is to chat with and find friends online via Xbox. She has had a few unpleasant experiences -- even in unschooling communities -- while gaming, and we are looking for a fun, healthy online community where kids can just play together and know that what they create is going to be respected. So, we are interested in kind, fun, creative new buddies if your kiddo would like to play online.
The conversation came up a few days ago when she said that she was really bummed when friends left games; she wants to get to know more gamers (and unschoolers, too) online (and to be able to use her mic and headset), and she is elated when they show up! This led to a lengthy discussion about how she felt about needing or wanting friends, which also dug up an insecurity that occasionally rises up in me, and that is whether she is lonely (read: needing more socializing).
So we talked about it. I asked her directly if she feels that she is lacking community generally in life, or if she just feels this way online. She responded very easily and quickly that she is really happy as long as she has me and her dad. In other words, any ideas I have had about whether or not she needed more people was mine, not hers -- and we are decidedly homebodies! This led to further discussion about her serious intentions of a gaming life, and that she really wants to build friendships that way. So that is what we are working on.
Our daughter has never been to school, but her friends include those who attend school and are more conventionally homeschooled. And although we have unschooling connections through Meetup and unschooling camps/gatherings, I feel that it still takes massaging and effort to find and continue to nurture relationships no matter what they are or with whom. I always go back to a couple of the connecting moments that bonded me to unschooling, and that is faith and the family relationship. Faith in the child, love for the family relationship, and that all will flow as it should when we sit back and let it happen. I was reminded AGAIN of this when I thought that my daughter was lonely or needing more friends. I am now officially over myself. :)
For the record, my daughter plays Minecraft and Roblox on Xbox. She would love to meet new people. Her name is Luna, and I am Liza. Hoping for your good flow. :)
The conversation came up a few days ago when she said that she was really bummed when friends left games; she wants to get to know more gamers (and unschoolers, too) online (and to be able to use her mic and headset), and she is elated when they show up! This led to a lengthy discussion about how she felt about needing or wanting friends, which also dug up an insecurity that occasionally rises up in me, and that is whether she is lonely (read: needing more socializing).
So we talked about it. I asked her directly if she feels that she is lacking community generally in life, or if she just feels this way online. She responded very easily and quickly that she is really happy as long as she has me and her dad. In other words, any ideas I have had about whether or not she needed more people was mine, not hers -- and we are decidedly homebodies! This led to further discussion about her serious intentions of a gaming life, and that she really wants to build friendships that way. So that is what we are working on.
Our daughter has never been to school, but her friends include those who attend school and are more conventionally homeschooled. And although we have unschooling connections through Meetup and unschooling camps/gatherings, I feel that it still takes massaging and effort to find and continue to nurture relationships no matter what they are or with whom. I always go back to a couple of the connecting moments that bonded me to unschooling, and that is faith and the family relationship. Faith in the child, love for the family relationship, and that all will flow as it should when we sit back and let it happen. I was reminded AGAIN of this when I thought that my daughter was lonely or needing more friends. I am now officially over myself. :)
For the record, my daughter plays Minecraft and Roblox on Xbox. She would love to meet new people. Her name is Luna, and I am Liza. Hoping for your good flow. :)
Sandra Dodd
-=-She has had a few unpleasant experiences -- even in unschooling communities -- while gaming, and we are looking for a fun, healthy online community where kids can just play together and know that what they create is going to be respected. So, we are interested in kind, fun, creative new buddies if your kiddo would like to play online. -=-
Unschoolers are people. The idea of “unschooling community” can be a problem you can avoid by seeing individual families and children as people. Maybe you’ll find unschooling friends, but there’s no obligation for unschoolers to provide for other families or individuals.
My kids were expected For YEARS (and still sometimes) to be too much to too many. It can be hard. And they were pretty sociable. Not all unschoolers are.
This will seem nitpicky, but I’ve seen problems in years past, and what I’m about to write will hepl someone, somewhere, even if the original poster doesn’t want to consider it.
-=-So, we are interested in kind, fun, creative new buddies if your kiddo would like to play online.-=-
“Buddy” and “kiddo” aren’t as respectful as other terms might be. Ordering up friends would be great if it were more easily doable, but to have so many requirements—respectful, kind, fun, creative, new—could be a problem. if someone fails in one of those requirements, it’s a failure. But if another family wanted to chance so demanding a potential new friend, how are they to be assured that the children on the other end have all of those virtues in a long-lasting form?
Too much demand and control guarantees unhappiness for someone (maybe several), starting with the mom whose standards are so high.
-=- my daughter (almost 8) -=-
She’s seven. If she plays a game (whether Monopoly or Minecraft) and you don’t love every single bit of dialog or posture, let that go. Let HER decide whether to continue to play or to quit (for a break, or for the day, or forever). Practicing with online gamers (whether or not they’re unschooled—don’t make that a requirement) is less troublesome and risky than practicing at school or at a playground. No one will throw sand in her face or pull her hair or lock her into or out of a toilet.
Sometimes it seems when a parent is very protective that it’s a clue that the inner child has some unexamined memories, or some memories have been set in a case with a light shone on them, and that’s preventing a clear view of this new child who has NONE of those memories and shouldn’t need to be affected by them.
Part of deschooling for the parents is to gradually, continuously, remember good and bad things from childhood, sort through them, adopt good ideas and find ways to minimize bad experiences.
Find people for her to play online with. Maybe you could find someone with three or four of these things: "respectful, kind, fun, creative, new”
Maybe just one or two. That might be enough for your daughter.
More about problems with “the unschooling community” as a concept:
http://sandradodd.com/unschoolworld
Sandra
Unschoolers are people. The idea of “unschooling community” can be a problem you can avoid by seeing individual families and children as people. Maybe you’ll find unschooling friends, but there’s no obligation for unschoolers to provide for other families or individuals.
My kids were expected For YEARS (and still sometimes) to be too much to too many. It can be hard. And they were pretty sociable. Not all unschoolers are.
This will seem nitpicky, but I’ve seen problems in years past, and what I’m about to write will hepl someone, somewhere, even if the original poster doesn’t want to consider it.
-=-So, we are interested in kind, fun, creative new buddies if your kiddo would like to play online.-=-
“Buddy” and “kiddo” aren’t as respectful as other terms might be. Ordering up friends would be great if it were more easily doable, but to have so many requirements—respectful, kind, fun, creative, new—could be a problem. if someone fails in one of those requirements, it’s a failure. But if another family wanted to chance so demanding a potential new friend, how are they to be assured that the children on the other end have all of those virtues in a long-lasting form?
Too much demand and control guarantees unhappiness for someone (maybe several), starting with the mom whose standards are so high.
-=- my daughter (almost 8) -=-
She’s seven. If she plays a game (whether Monopoly or Minecraft) and you don’t love every single bit of dialog or posture, let that go. Let HER decide whether to continue to play or to quit (for a break, or for the day, or forever). Practicing with online gamers (whether or not they’re unschooled—don’t make that a requirement) is less troublesome and risky than practicing at school or at a playground. No one will throw sand in her face or pull her hair or lock her into or out of a toilet.
Sometimes it seems when a parent is very protective that it’s a clue that the inner child has some unexamined memories, or some memories have been set in a case with a light shone on them, and that’s preventing a clear view of this new child who has NONE of those memories and shouldn’t need to be affected by them.
Part of deschooling for the parents is to gradually, continuously, remember good and bad things from childhood, sort through them, adopt good ideas and find ways to minimize bad experiences.
Find people for her to play online with. Maybe you could find someone with three or four of these things: "respectful, kind, fun, creative, new”
Maybe just one or two. That might be enough for your daughter.
More about problems with “the unschooling community” as a concept:
http://sandradodd.com/unschoolworld
Sandra
lbrumery@...
-=-Unschoolers are people. The idea of “unschooling community” can be a problem you can avoid by seeing individual families and children as people.-=-
I don't think that your point is nitpicky at all. It is a good one: Unschoolers are people. Agreed. I would go further and say that people in our lives are Brother, Sister. It is how we live our lives spiritually. But I can be clearer.
I brought up "unschooling community" as a more specific piece of my daughter's growing sense of community, which includes whomever we encounter. Among our friends and family are people from all walks of life with various forms of freedom, something that our daughter is still comprehending as something that she has more of (lives) than others. Some that we know are schooled conventionally, some are homeschooled more or less conventionally, some are cousins and so on.
We recently ended a 20-month-long full-time travel excursion across the country in our RV. It is during this time that her gaming life began to take off and flourish. Most of the people she met (of various ages and levels in life) during this trip lived a life scheduled, whether it be work or school or more. She became witness to the various levels of freedom that exist to pursue passions and play like we do and embrace in our lives. While in San Diego for four months, she became very good friends with kids ages six to 13. Most of them were off for summer break; thus, they were freer to play. Others were homeschooled, but didn't have the resources we did, which challenged her understanding of what folks are able to do to a certain degree (like being able to afford video games, headsets, new/er bikes, etc.), which can offer another form of freedom in terms of access.
Very recently we settled in California, for various reasons. One included that we physically and creatively were outgrowing our RV. Furthermore, consistent wifi was becoming a real issue for all of us: My writing, my husband's work and our daughter's increased gaming pulled heavily on our hotspot, and campground wifi was inconsistent. More space was required for more flow and freedom. It allowed us to expand. Now our daughter can play Minecraft and Roblox without interruption. Her gaming life has grown and she's having a blast and it is very exciting.
But the people she met along our journey and the cousins who game as well live on the East Coast and there is a three-hour time difference. Furthermore, they attend school. So, again, she is witness to how others live their lives, as well as how time/schedules are blocked or organized or limiting (literally), and that many of the people she knows online are available only after school and/or on weekends.
It was she who suggested that she would like more "gaming friends." It created a dialogue about what it is she is trying to say and whether I am comprehending it, as well how I can help her, or whether I needed to help her. The conversation continued about various levels of freedom and what others are "allowed" to do, and that not everyone is "allowed" to play like she does. In an effort to help her expand her gaming experience, her community, I decided that a good place to start was with those who may have more flexibility, which I have found more often than not through those that are unschoolers. I don't assume generally that what we do and how we live is shared by everyone. However, by reaching out to those that are unschoolers, I felt that it was just one avenue to pursue in this relatively new -- and very robust and engaging and serious -- life of gaming she is living. Among the people I know who are unschoolers, there is a bigger awareness of freedom, gaming, play, and often more availability. It was a start.
But I understand your point and hear you. I can look more carefully for insight or help from people, not a generalized group who may share a name or experience.
-=-“Buddy” and “kiddo” aren’t as respectful as other terms might be. Ordering up friends would be great if it were more easily doable, but to have so many requirements—respectful, kind, fun, creative, new—could be a problem.-=-
I see what you are saying here. Good relationships are hard enough in general to find, maintain, sustain. Relationships with requirements are even harder, because now there is a contract, obligation, requirement, condition. That would be next to impossible online especially. And not necessary.
But is it wrong to seek mutual respect and reciprocity in a relationship, even online? I ask this sincerely. In our home, love, peace and joy abound. Those who come into our lives are loved as Brother and Sister, no matter their perspective. For us, there are endearing terms that come with that; sometimes "buddy," "kiddo," "love," "friend" are among those signs of affection. I feel that I need to ponder what you have said here, that those terms aren't as respectful. I can see how that may be so if one is unfamiliar with someone, but what about as or after a relationship develops? Can you expand on your thought more?
-=-She’s seven.-=-
Yep, she is. My daughter, in fact, is seven. I clearly have been caught in old thinking that also assumes that that is what one wants to hear, needs to hear, like we need to know what size your jeans are. I have read this from you more than once and am embarrassed that it has not completely seeped into my thinking. Got it and amen.
-=-Let HER decide whether to continue to play or to quit (for a break, or for the day, or forever). Practicing with online gamers (whether or not they’re unschooled—don’t make that a requirement) is less troublesome and risky than practicing at school or at a playground. No one will throw sand in her face or pull her hair or lock her into or out of a toilet.-=-
Indeed, our daughter has full freedom to play for as long or as little as she wants; we do not "control" that. It is up to her and it is wonderful. She has a really great time in her growing world of video games. I will continue to find people who want to play online with her, whatever their life story. I feel we are still unpacking some ideas and much is being revealed. I am considerate of going with the flow, too.
-=-Sometimes it seems when a parent is very protective that it’s a clue that the inner child has some unexamined memories-=-
I don't doubt this for a second. I have questioned often whether I am overprotective. I examine that very often. Just your suggesting that I have "criteria" for "friends" is a clue. It is a good point and I shall add it to my tools for understanding myself, particularly as unschooling parent. We've had a few heavy experiences in the non-online world recently that have increased our protection bubble a bit, and have made our daughter yearn to be physically closer to us and aware of our presence more than usual. But people will be as they are online or in the real world, and she will experience it all, and should.
One thing that struck me almost immediately when I first began to read many of your words as we entered unschooling years ago was how our inner child can heal through unschooling. I found relief in that when I read it, and I found even more relief in it as it really happened to me over these past few years. What is it that I am wrestling with? It is a gem of a point, and I am reminded that there is yet more work to do!
Sandra Dodd
I was asked to expand on something so I’ll quote the passage from the quote to the request, and write more below.
________________________
-=-“Buddy” and “kiddo” aren’t as respectful as other terms might be. Ordering up friends would be great if it were more easily doable, but to have so many requirements—respectful, kind, fun, creative, new—could be a problem.-=-
I see what you are saying here. Good relationships are hard enough in general to find, maintain, sustain. Relationships with requirements are even harder, because now there is a contract, obligation, requirement, condition. That would be next to impossible online especially. And not necessary.
But is it wrong to seek mutual respect and reciprocity in a relationship, even online? I ask this sincerely. In our home, love, peace and joy abound. Those who come into our lives are loved as Brother and Sister, no matter their perspective. For us, there are endearing terms that come with that; sometimes "buddy," "kiddo," "love," "friend" are among those signs of affection. I feel that I need to ponder what you have said here, that those terms aren't as respectful. I can see how that may be so if one is unfamiliar with someone, but what about as or after a relationship develops? Can you expand on your thought more?
_________________________
There are buzzwords, sometimes, and slogans or assertations that aren’t as clear as the writer would like to have thought they were.
To go on in some detail and at length about the requirements and complaining (vaguely and obliquely) about others not having had the virtues now sought (being respectful) but then using terms like “buddy” instead of friend and “kiddo” instead of kid, or child, or player, or person seemed condescending to me. I really don’t like it when someone addresses me as “sweetie” or “hon,” especially if it’s in writing from a stranger. I don’t like it when adults refer to kids (not just theirs, but general kids, or theirs+mine, or whatever) as “smalls” or “littles” or “kidlets.” It seems to set them far aside, as little toys, or inferior beings.
So I think in the original post, which was long, and seemed filled with sorting people into inferior undesireables and ideals probably not attainable (probably not the writer’s intention, but some of it came across that way), then the terms “buddy” and “kiddo” seemed to be the sorts of things that some others might not see as kind, respectful, accepting, whatever-all-lovely-and-good in tone or intent.
It was a general comment about how one person’s idea of respect might not match someone else’s.
Sandra
________________________
-=-“Buddy” and “kiddo” aren’t as respectful as other terms might be. Ordering up friends would be great if it were more easily doable, but to have so many requirements—respectful, kind, fun, creative, new—could be a problem.-=-
I see what you are saying here. Good relationships are hard enough in general to find, maintain, sustain. Relationships with requirements are even harder, because now there is a contract, obligation, requirement, condition. That would be next to impossible online especially. And not necessary.
But is it wrong to seek mutual respect and reciprocity in a relationship, even online? I ask this sincerely. In our home, love, peace and joy abound. Those who come into our lives are loved as Brother and Sister, no matter their perspective. For us, there are endearing terms that come with that; sometimes "buddy," "kiddo," "love," "friend" are among those signs of affection. I feel that I need to ponder what you have said here, that those terms aren't as respectful. I can see how that may be so if one is unfamiliar with someone, but what about as or after a relationship develops? Can you expand on your thought more?
_________________________
There are buzzwords, sometimes, and slogans or assertations that aren’t as clear as the writer would like to have thought they were.
To go on in some detail and at length about the requirements and complaining (vaguely and obliquely) about others not having had the virtues now sought (being respectful) but then using terms like “buddy” instead of friend and “kiddo” instead of kid, or child, or player, or person seemed condescending to me. I really don’t like it when someone addresses me as “sweetie” or “hon,” especially if it’s in writing from a stranger. I don’t like it when adults refer to kids (not just theirs, but general kids, or theirs+mine, or whatever) as “smalls” or “littles” or “kidlets.” It seems to set them far aside, as little toys, or inferior beings.
So I think in the original post, which was long, and seemed filled with sorting people into inferior undesireables and ideals probably not attainable (probably not the writer’s intention, but some of it came across that way), then the terms “buddy” and “kiddo” seemed to be the sorts of things that some others might not see as kind, respectful, accepting, whatever-all-lovely-and-good in tone or intent.
It was a general comment about how one person’s idea of respect might not match someone else’s.
Sandra
Rinelle
> It was she who suggested that she would like more "gaming friends."
If your daughter would like someone to play games with, have you considered playing them with her yourself? Until very recently, my husband and myself were my daughter’s gaming friends. We spent many hours playing Minecraft with her. With just the 3 of us playing, there was no fear of anyone destroying anyone else’s creations.
She’s 12 now, and still invites us to play with her and her friends. It’s been wonderful to share that experience with her.
Tamara