Family travel
jessiwoodman@...
Our family is traveling to Australia (where my husband is from and his family live) at the end of the month. My oldest daughter is 8 and is having a lot of angst about the trip. She doesn't want to fly over the ocean, she's worried about her ears equalizing on the plane and she doesn't want to go to the beach (where the family spends two out of the four weeks of our trip). It seems like the two of us keep having the same conversation over and over and maybe that's what needs to happen, but I feel 'stuck.' I don't know how to love her very well through this...thoughts?
Sandra Dodd
=-It seems like the two of us keep having the same conversation over and over and maybe that's what needs to happen, but I feel 'stuck.’-=-
Maybe ask your husband to talk to her, if you’re in a loop that’s not changing.
-=-My oldest daughter is 8 and is having a lot of angst about the trip. She doesn't want to fly over the ocean
she's worried about her ears equalizing on the plane-=-
Some people won’t agree about this, but dramamine knocks me out. I used to get motion sickness when I was younger, and anxiety, and would take dramamine. For young kids, I don’t know if half a tab would do. Benedryl is another possibility, if it will make her sleepy. Maybe you could experiment on a day when she has nowhere to go. If she takes it at home and it relaxes her or induces a nap, you both might feel better about the possibility of using it again on the flight. If she has a different reaction, you’ll know in advance and not risk learning that on the plane.
If you find and audiobook she would really like, that might help. Harry Potter might get her all the way there, with headphones and a sleep mask.
-=- and she doesn't want to go to the beach (where the family spends two out of the four weeks of our trip). -=-
Audiobook continuation? :-)
Have you asked her what would help? She might have ideas.
I’ve heard some parents making things worse by too much agreement or sympathy in such cases. Saying “I know you don’t want to go” is deadly. If you KNOW, then why would you press her to go? A few times when one of three children balked, I sometimes said I hadn’t gotten to do much as a child that was this cool, and talk it up as a thing I would’ve liked to have done and how excited I would have been. The emotion from me of “how cool” was honest, and not projected on that child. It wasn’t “This will be fun,” it was “When I was a kid, I would have really been excited if…”
Sandra
Maybe ask your husband to talk to her, if you’re in a loop that’s not changing.
-=-My oldest daughter is 8 and is having a lot of angst about the trip. She doesn't want to fly over the ocean
she's worried about her ears equalizing on the plane-=-
Some people won’t agree about this, but dramamine knocks me out. I used to get motion sickness when I was younger, and anxiety, and would take dramamine. For young kids, I don’t know if half a tab would do. Benedryl is another possibility, if it will make her sleepy. Maybe you could experiment on a day when she has nowhere to go. If she takes it at home and it relaxes her or induces a nap, you both might feel better about the possibility of using it again on the flight. If she has a different reaction, you’ll know in advance and not risk learning that on the plane.
If you find and audiobook she would really like, that might help. Harry Potter might get her all the way there, with headphones and a sleep mask.
-=- and she doesn't want to go to the beach (where the family spends two out of the four weeks of our trip). -=-
Audiobook continuation? :-)
Have you asked her what would help? She might have ideas.
I’ve heard some parents making things worse by too much agreement or sympathy in such cases. Saying “I know you don’t want to go” is deadly. If you KNOW, then why would you press her to go? A few times when one of three children balked, I sometimes said I hadn’t gotten to do much as a child that was this cool, and talk it up as a thing I would’ve liked to have done and how excited I would have been. The emotion from me of “how cool” was honest, and not projected on that child. It wasn’t “This will be fun,” it was “When I was a kid, I would have really been excited if…”
Sandra
Jennifer Hollems
Is there anything in Australia that would be exciting to her about that you could add to your trip? Maybe she could see kangaroos or go to a specific museum or a special playground or a natural area? Depending on her interests, there might be something special there that would make trip more appealing to her. You might be able to find contact information for a local unschooling group, and e-mail them to see what there is to do in her interest area in the part of the country you are visiting. You could also look at picture books about Australia to her excited.
In addition, I am thinking that a tablet of some sort would really help (if she doesn't already have one). There are great deals on lots of tablets right now with the holidays coming up, especially on some of the Kindles.
Has she met your husband's family much? It could be that she is uncomfortable with being with new people. If she is shy, it might be overwhelming to be in a new environment with people she doesn't know. If she loves being around other kids, maybe she's worried about a 4 week trip with no one to play with. If she wants friends around, you can tell her about cousins who there (if there are any), or you can plan to meet up with a homeschooling or unschooling group while you are there. If she prefers time to herself or with you, you could make sure to reassure her that she'll still have some 1:1 time with your or time to herself or whatever (and make it happen!).
Has she been on a plane before? When I flew for the first time at her age, I thought that the plane would be metal and rounded on the inside, too, and I was really scared about how I was going stand up while it was in motion. If she hasn't seen the inside of a plane, she might benefit from seeing pictures or movies with people flying to ease her fears. If she is afraid of the ocean, you could watch movies or read books about happy times at the beach. Maybe she has a fear of sharks or of deep water or something. Maybe I'm wrong and she just doesn't like the beach. Just some thoughts to consider.
From: "jessiwoodman@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, December 11, 2015 8:11 AM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Family travel
Our family is traveling to Australia (where my husband is from and his family live) at the end of the month. My oldest daughter is 8 and is having a lot of angst about the trip. She doesn't want to fly over the ocean, she's worried about her ears equalizing on the plane and she doesn't want to go to the beach (where the family spends two out of the four weeks of our trip). It seems like the two of us keep having the same conversation over and over and maybe that's what needs to happen, but I feel 'stuck.' I don't know how to love her very well through this...thoughts?
Ali Zeljo
I can completely relate to your daughter's anxieties about the trip! I was like that as a child. And my dad was wonderful. He talked to me about how he would get nervous as a child too. He told me it was normal to feel like that. And he told me there were ways to get past the nervousness and then end up having fun. It was the beginning of learning mind tricks! It's such an opportunity for your daughter to learn how to not let her anxieties get in the way of living life! And it's a bonding opportunity for you both. If you become her supportive parent through the anxiety, she will always look back and be grateful for how you helped her, like I am to my dad!
I appreciate how he kept my anxious feelings compartmentalized away from what was actually happening. I learned that I was like him- we both got anxious tummies but we could both still do things like travel or play piano on a stage (this was another big issue for me as a kid.).
Preparation was key to alleviating anxiety for me. We worked on a plan well in advance. I always took Dramamine as a child to avoid the motion sickness I would get. I learned to sleep completely through a plane ride, even very long ones. Instead of dwelling on my anxiety, I learned to focus on the tasks at hand. I learned to think about something else whenever anxious thoughts came into my head. I learned about breathing slowly and deeply. I would do square breathing- breathe in for 1-2-3-4, hold for 1-2-3-4, breath out 1-2-3-4, hold 1-2-3-4 and again.
When she is feeling anxious and talking about it, it might help to use those times to try different techniques. "Oh you're feeling anxious about the trip! Let's try this to help you feel better." Like slow breathing, distraction, Rescue Remedy pastilles (which I now find helpful during these times). I have a homeopathic remedy I keep around for when I'm feeling anxious and it helps me a lot now.
And then plan through the time on the plane ride with her. Talk about the backpack she will have with whatever is fun and distracting for her. (DvD player, laptop, etc?). Lots of good snacks. Offer to read to her, sit next to her and snuggle, hold her hand during the plane ride, listen to an audio book together with a headphone splitter cable.
Also there is a device for using on planes if she has ear issues. It's called Otovent. It helps equalize the pressures and alleviate potential pain. Has she experienced ear pain on an airplane before? I can understand being nervous about that because the pain can be excruciating!
And discuss what the beach is like. Does she have sensory aversion to sand on her feet? Why does she not want to go to the beach? Help her plan ways of making it better for her. Borrow a tent that she can pitch in the shade and retreat to with a book.
Are there things about the trip that you know will be fun for her in particular? Research some of her favorite things and find a way for her to be excited about the time there.
~Ali
On Dec 11, 2015, at 6:11 AM, jessiwoodman@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
Our family is traveling to Australia (where my husband is from and his family live) at the end of the month. My oldest daughter is 8 and is having a lot of angst about the trip. She doesn't want to fly over the ocean, she's worried about her ears equalizing on the plane and she doesn't want to go to the beach (where the family spends two out of the four weeks of our trip). It seems like the two of us keep having the same conversation over and over and maybe that's what needs to happen, but I feel 'stuck.' I don't know how to love her very well through this...thoughts?
Jo Isaac
We live in Australia, and my family live in the UK, so my son and I have done a lot of long-haul flights.
==she's worried about her ears equalizing on the plane==
Practice at home? You can make your ear equalize by holding your nose. Maybe if she realizes she can do it at home, she won't be so worried? Also chewing gum or candy
helps with equalizing ears on a plane.
==she doesn't want to go to the beach (where the family spends two out of the four weeks of our trip)==
Do you know why? Can you tell her all the fun things about beaches in Australia? It's hot, you can surf, boogie-board, just generally play in the ocean and sand? When you say you are staying at the beach, I assume just near a beach - so can you and she come up with other things to do that don't involve the beach while you are there? Not sure whereabouts in Australia you are going, but most places have great zoo's, museums, wildlife parks, amusement parks (Gold Coast) - nothing to do with the beach!
Talk about the fun parts of going on a plane - my son loves watching the movies and shows. Kids almost always get a little pack of toys/fun stuff. You get your meals brought to you. Last time my son took his camera and took photo's in all the airports we changed flights at. Help her pack a travel bag with things that will help comfort her - favourite toy, book, etc.
==she doesn't want to go to the beach (where the family spends two out of the four weeks of our trip)==
Do you know why? Can you tell her all the fun things about beaches in Australia? It's hot, you can surf, boogie-board, just generally play in the ocean and sand? When you say you are staying at the beach, I assume just near a beach - so can you and she come up with other things to do that don't involve the beach while you are there? Not sure whereabouts in Australia you are going, but most places have great zoo's, museums, wildlife parks, amusement parks (Gold Coast) - nothing to do with the beach!
Talk about the fun parts of going on a plane - my son loves watching the movies and shows. Kids almost always get a little pack of toys/fun stuff. You get your meals brought to you. Last time my son took his camera and took photo's in all the airports we changed flights at. Help her pack a travel bag with things that will help comfort her - favourite toy, book, etc.
Sarah Thompson
Can you clarify why "I know you don't want to go" is deadly? With my kids, they seem to really appreciate that validation. My son will say, "so why are we going then?" and I can explain (again, because we talk it through from the start). We don't do an endless loop, but if he doesn't want to go and I know it, why wouldn't I be honest about that?
Sarah
Sandra Dodd
-=-if he doesn't want to go and I know it, why wouldn't I be honest about that?-=-
Because he has no choice, right? Why go in that direction, toward negativity? Sell it. Inspire him. Make the situation fun and positive in every possible way.
It’s not about being dishonest, it’s about not feeding the angst or fear or reluctance, if there really isn’t an option.
Discussing, “validating,” asking to hear more and more of the negative “no” isn’t moving toward the possibility of joy.
http://sandradodd.com/negativity
I’ve heard parents “validate” about doctors, dentists, medical procedures, and it scares the kids more for the mom to share that emotion and say that it makes sense and she totally understands. IF she totally understands, then WHY (the child must wonder) doesn’t she just cancel the whole thing? So it’s not good for the relationship, nor for the upcoming event, for the mom to “validate.”
Sandra
Because he has no choice, right? Why go in that direction, toward negativity? Sell it. Inspire him. Make the situation fun and positive in every possible way.
It’s not about being dishonest, it’s about not feeding the angst or fear or reluctance, if there really isn’t an option.
Discussing, “validating,” asking to hear more and more of the negative “no” isn’t moving toward the possibility of joy.
http://sandradodd.com/negativity
I’ve heard parents “validate” about doctors, dentists, medical procedures, and it scares the kids more for the mom to share that emotion and say that it makes sense and she totally understands. IF she totally understands, then WHY (the child must wonder) doesn’t she just cancel the whole thing? So it’s not good for the relationship, nor for the upcoming event, for the mom to “validate.”
Sandra
Sarah Thompson
If I said to my husband that I was afraid of a procedure, or he said the same to me, having the other person "sell it" as positive rather than acknowledge the trepidation would feel disconnecting. Is this different from saying "you're okay" to a child that has injured themselves and is crying, the way some parents do (as in "you're okay, you aren't hurt, your tears are invalid)?
Sarah
Bernadette Lynn
On 11 December 2015 at 23:37, Sarah Thompson thompsonisland@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:Is this different from saying "you're okay" to a child that has injured themselves and is crying, the way some parents do (as in "you're okay, you aren't hurt, your tears are invalid)?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------It's not a choice between saying "you aren't hurt" and 'validating' the hurt. They know they're hurt: you know they're hurt. You don't need to focus on it to make them feel better. You can offer them something nice to take their minds off it, offer a plaster to help them feel better, a hug to help with the shock. You can say "lets sit here until you feel better", or something else which puts the focus on recovery rather than hurt.Bernadette.Sarah
Jo Isaac
==If I said to my husband that I was afraid of a procedure, or
he said the same to me, having the other person "sell it" as positive rather than acknowledge the trepidation would feel disconnecting. ==
I don't see it as an 'either/or' situation - you can both acknowledge someones worries and trepidation while still helping them see potential positives.
==Is this different from saying "you're okay" to a child that has injured themselves and is crying, the way some parents do (as in "you're okay, you aren't hurt,
your tears are invalid)?==
Again, no one said to make it sound like the concern (of flying, of the beach) was invalid. But I don't think it helps to dwell on it when the situation is unavoidable (as in the flight IS going to happen) - you can recognize that a child is worried, but then move on to try and point out some of the positives, or - as Bernadette said, offer them something to take their mind off it if they are hurt.
Jo
Sandra Dodd
-=-If I said to my husband that I was afraid of a procedure, or he said the same to me, having the other person "sell it" as positive rather than acknowledge the trepidation would feel disconnecting. Is this different from saying "you're okay" to a child that has injured themselves and is crying, the way some parents do (as in "you're okay, you aren't hurt, your tears are invalid)?-=-
You can be honest and sympathetic without “validating.” Maybe I just really don’t like that term, and what it can mean, in scripted conversations and in “methods” like “active listening.”
I think people live better by principles than by rules and scripts.
-=-If I said to my husband that I was afraid of a procedure, or he said the same to me, having the other person "sell it" as positive rather than acknowledge the trepidation would feel disconnecting.-=-
What is your priority, in this trip to Australia? To feel connected?
I don’t like the dentist. If my husband distracts me (as he did this week, by taking me to lunch and play Dr. Mario with me, and laughing and talking about things OTHER than the dentist) that IS CONNECTING. He knew what I needed. I did NOT need to talk about why I don’t like the dentist or have him tell me he understands, that it makes sense, that it’s scary, and do I want to talk about it some more.
Some parents feed fears and then justify it. If you want ideas for making things better, don’t cling to or defend something that could make it worse.
Sandra
You can be honest and sympathetic without “validating.” Maybe I just really don’t like that term, and what it can mean, in scripted conversations and in “methods” like “active listening.”
I think people live better by principles than by rules and scripts.
-=-If I said to my husband that I was afraid of a procedure, or he said the same to me, having the other person "sell it" as positive rather than acknowledge the trepidation would feel disconnecting.-=-
What is your priority, in this trip to Australia? To feel connected?
I don’t like the dentist. If my husband distracts me (as he did this week, by taking me to lunch and play Dr. Mario with me, and laughing and talking about things OTHER than the dentist) that IS CONNECTING. He knew what I needed. I did NOT need to talk about why I don’t like the dentist or have him tell me he understands, that it makes sense, that it’s scary, and do I want to talk about it some more.
Some parents feed fears and then justify it. If you want ideas for making things better, don’t cling to or defend something that could make it worse.
Sandra
Sandra Dodd
-=-having the other person "sell it" as positive rather than acknowledge the trepidation would feel disconnectin-=-
This is still bothering me.
If you’re to be your child’s partner in life, will you wallow or live?
Maybe think of it as being a cruise director, a tour guide, a sports coach. The group is going somewhere. How will you get all the group moving?
Some days can be home, nothing particular, sigh, nap.
Some days are up and out and move and meet people.
Sandra
This is still bothering me.
If you’re to be your child’s partner in life, will you wallow or live?
Maybe think of it as being a cruise director, a tour guide, a sports coach. The group is going somewhere. How will you get all the group moving?
Some days can be home, nothing particular, sigh, nap.
Some days are up and out and move and meet people.
Sandra
Jessi Woodman
I can see Sandra's point about 'validating' which I think is what I've been doing a LOT of and part of why I've been feeling stuck in a loop. My daughter and I are very similar in a lot of ways and my husband is much better at being positive--so I think they could have a more helpful talk together--he's also the local so he can highlight selling points more vividly.
This will be her fourth trip to AUS, so she is a pretty seasoned traveler and she does know her grandparents quite well from visits and almost daily Skype sessions.
We did have a conversation tonight about getting more apps for her tablet that don't require Internet--and maybe listening to Harry Potter together. She wants to look for snacks that aren't candy (I've previously given each child a giant bag of lollies for the plane), and Dramamine is in my Amazon cart, so I'm feeling hopeful.
Sent from my iPhone
This will be her fourth trip to AUS, so she is a pretty seasoned traveler and she does know her grandparents quite well from visits and almost daily Skype sessions.
We did have a conversation tonight about getting more apps for her tablet that don't require Internet--and maybe listening to Harry Potter together. She wants to look for snacks that aren't candy (I've previously given each child a giant bag of lollies for the plane), and Dramamine is in my Amazon cart, so I'm feeling hopeful.
Sent from my iPhone
bikerchick72019@...
Is this her first trip on an airplane, over an ocean? Maybe her angst has nothing to do with ears and beaches ... it is possible her fears are greater than what she is vocalizing.
This last April, my youngest (10) and her sister were to fly from Washington State to Ohio, to spend four months with their paternal grandparents, whom they had never before met. The youngest and I went round and round about the trip ... going from excitement to anxiety in the blink of eye ... evolving into night terrors ... over the course of about five or six weeks. Many a late night was shared between her and I and her step Dad, wandering in circles around the fears of which she dared not speak.
This last April, my youngest (10) and her sister were to fly from Washington State to Ohio, to spend four months with their paternal grandparents, whom they had never before met. The youngest and I went round and round about the trip ... going from excitement to anxiety in the blink of eye ... evolving into night terrors ... over the course of about five or six weeks. Many a late night was shared between her and I and her step Dad, wandering in circles around the fears of which she dared not speak.
Repeatedly, we gently explained to her that her fears, while completely valid, tend to be larger than life when they are kept tucked away inside, out of sight ... that "out of sight" wasn't necessarily "out of mind". And eventually, she began to talk about her fears. They ranged from simple (what do I do if my ears won't pop on the plane?), to more complex (how does the plane stay up in the sky?), to downright terrifying (what if the plane falls [the result of an older brother telling her once about plane crashes] and what if the grandparents don't like me?). Every fear imaginable came out ... amid late night conversations, saturated with tears. And we took each of those fears out of their boxes in her mind and set them out on the table for everyone to see.
And we talked about all of them. And she slowly discovered that those fears seemed much, much bigger when they were running around in her mind, unbridled, with nothing better to do than grow larger and larger.
By the time the departure date arrived, she was in greater control of those fears ... armed with gum and phone numbers to call home and her trusty Panda, she was able to travel across the country on wings of excitement instead of trapped in the clutches of her fears. I am not sure if any of this will help ... but I felt prompted to share, having recently experienced similar circumstances as you.
=) Caryn
By the time the departure date arrived, she was in greater control of those fears ... armed with gum and phone numbers to call home and her trusty Panda, she was able to travel across the country on wings of excitement instead of trapped in the clutches of her fears. I am not sure if any of this will help ... but I felt prompted to share, having recently experienced similar circumstances as you.
=) Caryn
brmino@...
=====If you’re to be your child’s partner in life, will you wallow or live?=======
My daughter has to do things every day that suck. Every now and then she'll say something like, "this really sucks" and I'll nod and say, "yeah, it totally sucks!......but not as much as your shit-for-brains immune system. Sucky, sucky, beta cells" It makes her laugh every time. Then we sing the "sucky beta cells" song ;)
There's a way to acknowledge when something sucks/is scary/hard/painful, but not feed it. For us, it helps to turn towards laughter. There's a difference between dwelling and accepting - a parent should be the guide to move forward/through the suck
Brie
Sarah Thompson
Maybe I'm a little unclear as to what you mean by validating. The scenarios presented here seem to focus on acknowledging that the fear or disconfort is legitimate and then looking for ways to alleviate it and distract from it. That seems like positive connection to me, and a validation of the concern, but not a sales pitch.
Sarah
Sarah Thompson
I just thought of something else, I don't know if it would be helpful, but it might be fun. DH is really into planes and flying. The local flight school organized a kid day for a group of us-it was free, and they learned about aeronautics, flight physics, and got to explore small aircraft. Municipal airports are fun and friendly, often, and some have cafes where you can go and eat diner food and watch planes.
Pilots LOVE to talk about aviation. Really, as much as you can listen...:)
Sarah
Sandra Dodd
Caryn’s notes were great, and this could help: "armed with gum and phone numbers to call home and her trusty Panda, she was able to travel across the country on wings of excitement instead of trapped in the clutches of her fears. “
This sounds morbid, but crossing the ocean is spooky, and it might make a child feel better to have information ON her—name, parents’ names, contact at the destination with phone number, etc. And first I thought a laminated card. But I have another idea.
When my kids fly I make a laminated luggage tag with their information and their host family information on one side, and the flight numbers and times on the other. I have a laminating machine, and a hole punch, and ribbon, so it might not be as easy for someone who doesn’t have those things, but it’s doable.
But for a younger child over water, there’s another idea, also from something we used to do. Write on a white men’s handkerchief or a scarf with a sharpie, and tie it on the child’s neck. When my kids went to crowded places with other families (state fair, amusement park, a city event) I would make one for each with his name, my name and phone number and the host mom’s name and phone number. If they got separated or hurt, someone could contact one or both of the adults. It made me feel better, and made them feel better.
For someone who sews, a 25” square of white cloth, hemmed or stabilized some way, with writing along the edges, could be pretty, even, with a colored sharpie, and waterproof. And can be kept as a souvenir. The advantage of a real cotton handkerchief is that the cloth is very thin and designed to be washed and to dry quickly and easily.
Once I was to give a short speech in a ceremony. I wrote it around the edge of a handkerchief, turned the cloth in my hands and read it, without it being obvious that I was doing so, and then gave it to the honoree afterwards.
Another possibility if the child doesn’t want to wear a scarf and the parents don’t have lamination and hole-punching equipment might be to write on the child with a Sharpie (sharp-tipped permanent marker). That will last a day or two, and if it makes her feel more secure, that someone would know who she was in an emergency, it might be an easy solution.
Sandra
This sounds morbid, but crossing the ocean is spooky, and it might make a child feel better to have information ON her—name, parents’ names, contact at the destination with phone number, etc. And first I thought a laminated card. But I have another idea.
When my kids fly I make a laminated luggage tag with their information and their host family information on one side, and the flight numbers and times on the other. I have a laminating machine, and a hole punch, and ribbon, so it might not be as easy for someone who doesn’t have those things, but it’s doable.
But for a younger child over water, there’s another idea, also from something we used to do. Write on a white men’s handkerchief or a scarf with a sharpie, and tie it on the child’s neck. When my kids went to crowded places with other families (state fair, amusement park, a city event) I would make one for each with his name, my name and phone number and the host mom’s name and phone number. If they got separated or hurt, someone could contact one or both of the adults. It made me feel better, and made them feel better.
For someone who sews, a 25” square of white cloth, hemmed or stabilized some way, with writing along the edges, could be pretty, even, with a colored sharpie, and waterproof. And can be kept as a souvenir. The advantage of a real cotton handkerchief is that the cloth is very thin and designed to be washed and to dry quickly and easily.
Once I was to give a short speech in a ceremony. I wrote it around the edge of a handkerchief, turned the cloth in my hands and read it, without it being obvious that I was doing so, and then gave it to the honoree afterwards.
Another possibility if the child doesn’t want to wear a scarf and the parents don’t have lamination and hole-punching equipment might be to write on the child with a Sharpie (sharp-tipped permanent marker). That will last a day or two, and if it makes her feel more secure, that someone would know who she was in an emergency, it might be an easy solution.
Sandra
Sandra Dodd
-=-Maybe I'm a little unclear as to what you mean by validating. The scenarios presented here seem to focus on acknowledging that the fear or disconfort is legitimate and then looking for ways to alleviate it and distract from it. That seems like positive connection to me, and a validation of the concern, but not a sales pitch. -=-
Part of the problem is the connotations of these words. Not the DEnotation (the literal meaning) but the add-on, cultural, historical, emotional meanings.
Validation sounds comforting, soothing, kind. But in the original situation in which the child seemed to be continuously frightened and the same conversation was happening over and over, it seemed more that the mother’s “validation” was solidifying the justifying and encouraging the fear (maybe—I was saying if any of that was true, something else needed to happen).
Having the dad speak with the child instead seems the easiest cycle-breaker.
As to “sales pitch,” that’s a VERY loaded term. It’s very often important for a parent to encourage a child to do something—to persuade, to cheer on, to inspire. To call it “sales pitch” deflates all the potential joy and progress.
Sandra
Part of the problem is the connotations of these words. Not the DEnotation (the literal meaning) but the add-on, cultural, historical, emotional meanings.
Validation sounds comforting, soothing, kind. But in the original situation in which the child seemed to be continuously frightened and the same conversation was happening over and over, it seemed more that the mother’s “validation” was solidifying the justifying and encouraging the fear (maybe—I was saying if any of that was true, something else needed to happen).
Having the dad speak with the child instead seems the easiest cycle-breaker.
As to “sales pitch,” that’s a VERY loaded term. It’s very often important for a parent to encourage a child to do something—to persuade, to cheer on, to inspire. To call it “sales pitch” deflates all the potential joy and progress.
Sandra
Sandra Dodd
-=-I just thought of something else, I don't know if it would be helpful, but it might be fun. DH is really into planes and flying. The local flight school organized a kid day for a group of us-it was free, and they learned about aeronautics, flight physics, and got to explore small aircraft. Municipal airports are fun and friendly, often, and some have cafes where you can go and eat diner food and watch planes.-=-
Those are great ideas.
If there’s time and it seems like it might be interesting, the movie Fly Away Home has a young girl (how old is she supposed to be? I don’t remember—young teen?) flying an ultralight plane to lead geese. There is a car wreck at the beginning, though, and it’s in Australia, so maybe either ignore me totally, or skip past that and set the movie up to start after she gets to Canada to live with her dad.
Maybe my idea is really bad.
Are there other happy movies about flight that could be distracting and desensitizing/inspiring?
What’s the one with Gerard Depardieu and Whoopi Goldberg in a plane? (vague images… ) [“Bogus” is the name. Doh… just went and read. Mother dies in a car wreck. Don’t want to implant a new and different fear.]
Maybe just go with lots of happy kid movies that distract until it’s time to go. :-)
http://sandradodd.com/movies has a new list of movies families might like to share.
SandraDodd.com/t/movies
Sylvia Woodman compiled it after a discussion on Radical Unschooling Info on facebook.
Movies might be downloaded to an iPad, too. There will be things in the plane, but that might be harder to operate, and if there’s a familiar movie that will remind her of home, she might fall into the story and feel at home. If it’s a new movie she’s seeing only because she’s in a plane, she might think that the whole time.
Sandra
Those are great ideas.
If there’s time and it seems like it might be interesting, the movie Fly Away Home has a young girl (how old is she supposed to be? I don’t remember—young teen?) flying an ultralight plane to lead geese. There is a car wreck at the beginning, though, and it’s in Australia, so maybe either ignore me totally, or skip past that and set the movie up to start after she gets to Canada to live with her dad.
Maybe my idea is really bad.
Are there other happy movies about flight that could be distracting and desensitizing/inspiring?
What’s the one with Gerard Depardieu and Whoopi Goldberg in a plane? (vague images… ) [“Bogus” is the name. Doh… just went and read. Mother dies in a car wreck. Don’t want to implant a new and different fear.]
Maybe just go with lots of happy kid movies that distract until it’s time to go. :-)
http://sandradodd.com/movies has a new list of movies families might like to share.
SandraDodd.com/t/movies
Sylvia Woodman compiled it after a discussion on Radical Unschooling Info on facebook.
Movies might be downloaded to an iPad, too. There will be things in the plane, but that might be harder to operate, and if there’s a familiar movie that will remind her of home, she might fall into the story and feel at home. If it’s a new movie she’s seeing only because she’s in a plane, she might think that the whole time.
Sandra
Jennifer Thomson
About the discussion about validating: I find a very useful neutral sentence is "I hear you." I find it very helpful with my 7 1/2 year old "spirited" son when he is saying things that I DON'T agree with or understand, but I want him to feel my presence as a listener so he can get whatever it is out and then move on.
Best,
Jenn