carashank@...

Hi, was wondering if I could get a little help from the more experienced moms.  

I'm a bit off my game.  I was very sick for 6 weeks, and just as I was recovering, became pregnant (surprise!). Then they told me baby had died, then it was actually alive, then morning sickness kicked in, and it has been a rough several months (although simultaneously very happy, we are so happy about baby).  This past week or so, I'm finally feeling better, but I think I'm in a bit of a rut and don't quite know how to pull out of it.  I'm also very tired, which I think might be the state of things for the next several months, so I'm trying to figure out how to proceed.  

My unschooled child is 5 (children start school this year here, so maybe I'm having a disguised wobble?), my toddler is 2.  They are happy and we have had a good time watching a lot of shows and I hired some young women to come play with them a few days a week while I rest, and my husband has been very active with them, making up for some of the physical play that I have not been up to.  But, as I feel better and can take a better look around, I can see that I'm not providing a great environment. It is not sparkly enough.  I think it might even be a little depressing.  I'm so tired that I'm not responding as actively as I normally would.  I encourage more videos than I think they are actually interested in.  I'm overwhelmed by mess, and still having massive food aversions, so not fun to cook with, etc.  

I should mention that we had some major money problems this year and are only just recovering, so we weren't able to buy as many things as I would like them to have.  Normally we would go out frequently, there are very nice parks and woods within driving distance, but we lost our car in our financial difficulties, and this pregnancy has been difficult (walking and buses are a limited option), so we aren't getting out much.  We have a very small house with a square cement back yard- although I think that is actually my complaint more than theirs.  

They are actually very happy and seem like they are getting their needs met, but I just don't feel like it is good enough.  I'm noticing behavioral issues that make me think they aren't stimulated enough- a bit more fighting than usual, getting into things in a destructive way, for example, purposely dumping toys in order to see my reaction, or tearing up artwork angrily that they then deeply regret and are upset about.   I have ordered some more craft supplies (they like painting and clay and stamps, etc, and I had run out completely) and have booked in my calendar some more homeschool meet ups, some manageable activities with considerate friends.  I plan to continue with the babysitters a few afternoons a week.  I think the children are short on toys, so trying to stock up a bit using re-selling websites.  But does anybody remember being at this stage (or any stage where you are not at your physical/mental best)?  Are there any tricks/perspective I'm missing?  Thanks so much.


Sandra Dodd

-=-But does anybody remember being at this stage (or any stage where you are not at your physical/mental best)? -=-

Lots of times.
Kirby was five when Holly was born.
I had three, bam.

Four years after that, Keith accepted a six month contract to work in Minneapolis (very far from Albuquerque). They extended it for six months. And again. And again.
When it had been four years, I asked him not to extend. He came home for 8 days each month and we visited there a few times a year (part of the contract perqs) but still.... it was rough.

-=- Are there any tricks/perspective I'm missing? -=-

It sounds like you're doing pretty well. There are ideas here that could help, I hope.

http://sandradodd.com/youngchildren
http://sandradodd.com/toddlers
http://sandradodd.com/mentalhealth

And ask here if you need more ideas, too. Things pass. The darkest and scariest times fade, later.

If you're not already subscribed to Just Add Light, consider that, too. And poke around the blog if you need cheering up. Breathe deeply, and look at the "You might also like" links under posts.

http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com

They're short enough that you can read one and keep on moving while you think about it.

Sandra

michelle_m29@...

>But does anybody remember being at this stage (or any stage where you are not at your physical/mental >best)?  Are there any tricks/perspective I'm missing?  Thanks so much.

I can't imagine what kind of emotional roller coaster you're on, but I've been off my game a few times. Most recently, my husband was in a head on collision with a drunk driver and off his feet an unable  to work for eight months. Lots of financial uncertainty for all of us, lots my time dealing with the lawyer and doctor's offices and insurance companies and everything else.  My kids are older than yours (18, 15, 10, and 9) so they've got a better understanding that the rough patches are temporary, but it's still hard on all of us. 

I'm glad you've got help. That sounds like a GREAT idea. I'm wondering if there are some little, sort-of-sparkly things that you can do with your kids in the  between times. I made my younger two a playdough out of baby oil and flour recently (like this one http://www.kidspot.com.au/kitchen/recipes/cloud-dough-2958 
and it kept them busy for large chunks of the next two days. That was in the middle of our month with a dry well and it wasn't messy at all.  What about mixing food coloring with some water and corn starch to make sidewalk paint to use in your concrete backyard? Mircowaving ivory soap? <http://kidsactivitiesblog.com/8994/how-to-make-erupting-soap> If you've got a really good mixer make flour and water playdough and mix it until the gluten forms and you can stretch and spin it like pizza dough...maybe outside on the concrete. :-) 

My kids could spend a whole day having fun with projects like that. Pinterest is full of ideas, as long as you can hop on just long enough to grab a good idea or two and not get bogged down.  

Would audiobooks be  something to try? I know my kids will listen for a lot longer than I can read, and if it's a good book it sparks lots of questions and discussions along the way.

I don't know your kids or what they like. This is the kind of thing that excites mine and I'm hoping it might spark some ideas for you. 

Michelle  
 

Sam

Hi Cara :)

I wanted to reply as I have been almost exactly where you are now. 

My girls were just 5 and 2, then 6 and 3 when I was pregnant with my 3rd daughter. By 20 weeks I was unable to walk due to PGP (a pelvic condition), and my husband was away for an extended period due to a family loss.

I remember feeling as you do and inadequate. I also remember this is one of the times my children were most happy! We would nest in my bed with comforts to hand (food, drinks, iPads, books, toys) or downstairs on the sofa during the day with everything we needed close by.

 Coincidentally this was the time we discovered Harry Potter! I read daily til my throat was dry, they were insatiable! This sparked never ending imaginative play and stories, all of which I could do lay down! It was so much fun!

I bought a picker upper off eBay to pick up toys as I couldn't bend or get up much, and shuffled into the kitchen to prepare simple meals sat down on a stool.

I changed my way of looking at activities to 'what can I do sat or lay down!'

I think my girls Loved how totally available I was to them at all times. (Although grumpier than I would have liked due to the big pain I was in)

If I was lucky my mum might pop in to Hoover and help me get snacks to where we were. Otherwise chores were mostly left, as I needed the little energy I had for playing with the girls.

I remember they brought out all their old rock and shell collections frequently and made rock worlds and dinosaur homes around the living room :)

We had an 8ft trampoline in our small garden which Really helped with the physical side of things for them (lots of Harry potter bouncing went on)

Otherwise they played lots on my birthing ball!

We had no trips out bar one when my mum pushed me in a wheelchair. 
But they were fine and we had loads of fun! 

The key for me, was kicking out the guilt and angst and accepting that's the way things were for a few short months, and making the most of it.

I ordered fun bits and bobs online so exciting surprises came in the post unexpectedly here and there.

The most helpful piece of advice came to me from my health visitor after the baby was born; 
I expressed to her my guilt at Still not being able to take them out places (yet). 
To my surprise, she said it didn't matter. They were young, they were fine and having Lots of fun and all their needs met! That it was a few short months, that in the grand scheme of things they wouldn't even remember :) and all that mattered was that I was allowed to rest, heal and recuperate, and bond with baby too. (I wasn't very well after the birth).

Her words really relieved me.

They are 8 and 5 now and baby is 2. We have been out to Lots of places, and sometimes stay in lots!  
They don't remember much from that time except Harry Potter fun and my picker upper :) 
I look back with fond memories :)

Try to worry less and enjoy the extra snuggles, films together, tv times and games. Buy some cheap bundles of interesting bits they might like on eBay when you can.
Salt dough and clay are always cheap and good fun.

Enjoy your baby growing time and enjoy this precious time with your 2 sweet little ones. Soon there will be three and that's a whole new (wonderful) ball game! 

It sounds like you are doing lots by the way. 
And perhaps the frustration you are noticing (in them) might change if you are feeling more relaxed and happy with things?

I know with mine if I'm seeing grumpiness, frustration or arguments, it can (so far) always be fixed by me being more joyful and present.

Good luck!! 
Sam xx

Sent from my iPhone

On 31 Aug 2015, at 18:09, "carashank@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:

 

Hi, was wondering if I could get a little help from the more experienced moms.  

I'm a bit off my game.  I was very sick for 6 weeks, and just as I was recovering, became pregnant (surprise!). Then they told me baby had died, then it was actually alive, then morning sickness kicked in, and it has been a rough several months (although simultaneously very happy, we are so happy about baby).  This past week or so, I'm finally feeling better, but I think I'm in a bit of a rut and don't quite know how to pull out of it.  I'm also very tired, which I think might be the state of things for the next several months, so I'm trying to figure out how to proceed.  

My unschooled child is 5 (children start school this year here, so maybe I'm having a disguised wobble?), my toddler is 2.  They are happy and we have had a good time watching a lot of shows and I hired some young women to come play with them a few days a week while I rest, and my husband has been very active with them, making up for some of the physical play that I have not been up to.  But, as I feel better and can take a better look around, I can see that I'm not providing a great environment. It is not sparkly enough.  I think it might even be a little depressing.  I'm so tired that I'm not responding as actively as I normally would.  I encourage more videos than I think they are actually interested in.  I'm overwhelmed by mess, and still having massive food aversions, so not fun to cook with, etc.  

I should mention that we had some major money problems this year and are only just recovering, so we weren't able to buy as many things as I would like them to have.  Normally we would go out frequently, there are very nice parks and woods within driving distance, but we lost our car in our financial difficulties, and this pregnancy has been difficult (walking and buses are a limited option), so we aren't getting out much.  We have a very small house with a square cement back yard- although I think that is actually my complaint more than theirs.  

They are actually very happy and seem like they are getting their needs met, but I just don't feel like it is good enough.  I'm noticing behavioral issues that make me think they aren't stimulated enough- a bit more fighting than usual, getting into things in a destructive way, for example, purposely dumping toys in order to see my reaction, or tearing up artwork angrily that they then deeply regret and are upset about.   I have ordered some more craft supplies (they like painting and clay and stamps, etc, and I had run out completely) and have booked in my calendar some more homeschool meet ups, some manageable activities with considerate friends.  I plan to continue with the babysitters a few afternoons a week.  I think the children are short on toys, so trying to stock up a bit using re-selling websites.  But does anybody remember being at this stage (or any stage where you are not at your physical/mental best)?  Are there any tricks/perspective I'm missing?  Thanks so much.