Rough play and little boys
Sandra Dodd
-=-"as a Buddhist - I have struggled with the aggression my 4 yr old son has displayed, after attending school for a year... I am open to learning and new ideas"-=-
Only moderators got to see this, as someone joining the group wrote it, but I think it's wonderful for discussion and so have brought it. The author is welcome to leave it anonymous, or to claim it. No need to defend it—you could just let the comments flow by.
-=-I have struggled with the aggression-=-
Words and thoughts and emotion are all entangled. Untangle.
(Ooh.... I'm going to use that in Just Add Light and Stir. :-) Anyone who doesn't know what that is might want to subscribe: http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com )
If he's aggressive, how does adding struggle to that help? :-)
http://sandradodd.com/battle
Please read that slowly, and twice. Let it percolate.
Every day he's away from school, that will fade.
But just as with any scab, scratching it and rubbing dirt in it isn't as good as letting it heal. So when school is no longer a part of the child's life, it's good to turn away from the school and let it fade into the distant past. Repeating and reciting and retelling the school problem keeps it alive and present.
If a parent is Buddhist, a little boy's biochemistry and muscles and brain development don't know that. A child of either gender needs to climb and jump and run and roll and flip and swing, to learn. They're learning about their physical abilities, and they're exploring their own power over their bodies and the other objects, and their possibilities. They NEED to do that, and parents should help them do it, rather than "struggle" about preventing or curtailing it! All kids need it, but generally speaking, boys need it TWICE.
http://sandradodd.com/physicality might help, but lots of things will help. A bicycle and a trampoline will help. :-)
-=-I am open to learning and new ideas-=-
Unschooling is all learning, all the time, if it's to work as well as it can—as much for the parents as for the kids!
I'm glad you wrote what you wrote, new member to this discussion! :-) Thanks!
Please, others, help out here.
Sandra
Only moderators got to see this, as someone joining the group wrote it, but I think it's wonderful for discussion and so have brought it. The author is welcome to leave it anonymous, or to claim it. No need to defend it—you could just let the comments flow by.
-=-I have struggled with the aggression-=-
Words and thoughts and emotion are all entangled. Untangle.
(Ooh.... I'm going to use that in Just Add Light and Stir. :-) Anyone who doesn't know what that is might want to subscribe: http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com )
If he's aggressive, how does adding struggle to that help? :-)
http://sandradodd.com/battle
Please read that slowly, and twice. Let it percolate.
Every day he's away from school, that will fade.
But just as with any scab, scratching it and rubbing dirt in it isn't as good as letting it heal. So when school is no longer a part of the child's life, it's good to turn away from the school and let it fade into the distant past. Repeating and reciting and retelling the school problem keeps it alive and present.
If a parent is Buddhist, a little boy's biochemistry and muscles and brain development don't know that. A child of either gender needs to climb and jump and run and roll and flip and swing, to learn. They're learning about their physical abilities, and they're exploring their own power over their bodies and the other objects, and their possibilities. They NEED to do that, and parents should help them do it, rather than "struggle" about preventing or curtailing it! All kids need it, but generally speaking, boys need it TWICE.
http://sandradodd.com/physicality might help, but lots of things will help. A bicycle and a trampoline will help. :-)
-=-I am open to learning and new ideas-=-
Unschooling is all learning, all the time, if it's to work as well as it can—as much for the parents as for the kids!
I'm glad you wrote what you wrote, new member to this discussion! :-) Thanks!
Please, others, help out here.
Sandra
Sarah Thompson
My advice is to disconnect the concept "I am a Buddhist" from being with your son. Why does it matter? What does it mean? Lose the label and be with him as yourself, and let him be himself (free from labels of "violent,""aggressive,""sensory-seeking," or whatever. "I am his parent" is sufficient, if you need a label.
If you back away from all those labels, you can focus on his specific needs and desires without feeling cognitive dissonance.
Sarah
Betsy
My son was 3.5 years old when we had another son. He was so rough with the baby, and I would just feel this crazy mama-bear feeling of, “Stop hurting my baby!!”
I will never forget the clarity of one moment where I was saying, “Buddy, you gotta be gentle with him! You’ll HURT him!” And my wise little boy looked at me so serious and baffled and said, ”But, mommy….he’s LAUGHING.”
And so he was. LOL
They are now 13 and 9 and the wrestling and “aggression” still go on. They have wrestled with their dad on our bed for years. They have friends over and they tackle each other and throw each other around on the lawn with so much…GLEE.
My husband was one of 3 boys, and one of 8 boy cousins. He tells stories of injuries and accidentally broken furniture that they all laugh at now with their kids. None of the cousins are now violent or criminals…quite the contrary, among them are police officer, pharmacist, plumber, IT tech, etc. I think all but 2 are family guys….and those 2 are very involved in their nieces/nephews lives. Loving, well-adjusted men.
Do I want to wrestle and shove my friends around? Nope. Not even a little. And I don’t especially like watching other people do it. So, I help facilitate it for my guys and try to get out of the way. They think it’s funny that I don’t get it and they appreciate that I don’t try to stop them or trot out horror stories. It sort of falls into the category of my husband who doesn’t like the sun in our family of sun lovers…we don’t understand how he doesn’t love it, but we know he doesn’t, so we make sure he has a big shady umbrella at the beach and plenty of cold drinks.
It’s kind of the most beautiful thing about unschooling….we don’t have to be into anything we don’t like, but we don’t “yuck-yuck” someone else’s “yum-yum.”
Help little ones set boundaries with rough play. Help point out cues of discomfort if things go too far. In the same way you’d help a little kid balance on a bike and watch for pot holes.
Betsy
Sam 13, Eli 9
Karen James
<<as a Buddhist - I have struggled with the aggression my 4 yr old son has displayed, after attending school for a year... I am open to learning and new ideas>>
One thing I've learned in my limited readings of Buddhist teachers Pema Chodron and Thich Nhat Hanh is that anger and aggression are very normal human experiences. I'm not a Buddhist, but I do find some of the writing valuable because their ideas are thoughtful and founded in a deep understanding of human nature.
One thing I've learned in my limited readings of Buddhist teachers Pema Chodron and Thich Nhat Hanh is that anger and aggression are very normal human experiences. I'm not a Buddhist, but I do find some of the writing valuable because their ideas are thoughtful and founded in a deep understanding of human nature.
What is your son aggressive about? What came before he got angry and/or aggressive? How is he showing his aggression? Is he stomping his foot? Is he hitting? How do you respond? These are some things I would think about because the answers to these questions will give you information on how to best help your son.
One thing you can do right now is make your son's life easier by paying close attention to the things he's hoping to achieve and helping him do them as best as you can, as promptly as you can. In doing this he will learn that you are his partner, and that you care about and take seriously his feelings and needs. At this point in his development he needs your help, your creativity, your patience, and your example. He will learn more social skills and emotional skills as he grows and matures.
Karen James
On Sun, Mar 22, 2015 at 11:48 AM, Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:-=-"as a Buddhist - I have struggled with the aggression my 4 yr old son has displayed, after attending school for a year... I am open to learning and new ideas"-=-
Only moderators got to see this, as someone joining the group wrote it, but I think it's wonderful for discussion and so have brought it. The author is welcome to leave it anonymous, or to claim it. No need to defend it—you could just let the comments flow by.
-=-I have struggled with the aggression-=-
Words and thoughts and emotion are all entangled. Untangle.
(Ooh.... I'm going to use that in Just Add Light and Stir. :-) Anyone who doesn't know what that is might want to subscribe: http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com )
If he's aggressive, how does adding struggle to that help? :-)
http://sandradodd.com/battle
Please read that slowly, and twice. Let it percolate.
Every day he's away from school, that will fade.
But just as with any scab, scratching it and rubbing dirt in it isn't as good as letting it heal. So when school is no longer a part of the child's life, it's good to turn away from the school and let it fade into the distant past. Repeating and reciting and retelling the school problem keeps it alive and present.
If a parent is Buddhist, a little boy's biochemistry and muscles and brain development don't know that. A child of either gender needs to climb and jump and run and roll and flip and swing, to learn. They're learning about their physical abilities, and they're exploring their own power over their bodies and the other objects, and their possibilities. They NEED to do that, and parents should help them do it, rather than "struggle" about preventing or curtailing it! All kids need it, but generally speaking, boys need it TWICE.
http://sandradodd.com/physicality might help, but lots of things will help. A bicycle and a trampoline will help. :-)
-=-I am open to learning and new ideas-=-
Unschooling is all learning, all the time, if it's to work as well as it can—as much for the parents as for the kids!
I'm glad you wrote what you wrote, new member to this discussion! :-) Thanks!
Please, others, help out here.
Sandra
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
I think many parents have very big misconceptions of how a child should behave. I have seen perfectly normal toddlers being demonized by adults that wanted them to act and behave in ways that they are not capable of at that age.
There is literature that explain why young kids may act the way they do and still people think those kids have issues.
I think the issue is a parent or care giver not close enough, present enough and connected enough. Not that it will prevent EVERY single thing .
Being present , connected and close will help a parent PREVENT, and foresee what needs a child has that they can address and fulfill.
This "violent" or "aggressive" child probably needs lots of physical stimulation, outlets, a parent to rumble and tumble, a parent to make sure and keep them from being too hungry, tired and thirsty.
A parent that can help and step in before they are too overwhelmed and frustrated or that can avoid putting the child in situations that they know will causes that child to react in not a good way.
Children also need parents who are calm and centered and that can keep their heads leveled and cool if the child is having a hard time. They need to be the ones to keep cool so their child feels secure in having someone they can count on to be there and help them.
There is literature that explain why young kids may act the way they do and still people think those kids have issues.
I think the issue is a parent or care giver not close enough, present enough and connected enough. Not that it will prevent EVERY single thing .
Being present , connected and close will help a parent PREVENT, and foresee what needs a child has that they can address and fulfill.
This "violent" or "aggressive" child probably needs lots of physical stimulation, outlets, a parent to rumble and tumble, a parent to make sure and keep them from being too hungry, tired and thirsty.
A parent that can help and step in before they are too overwhelmed and frustrated or that can avoid putting the child in situations that they know will causes that child to react in not a good way.
Children also need parents who are calm and centered and that can keep their heads leveled and cool if the child is having a hard time. They need to be the ones to keep cool so their child feels secure in having someone they can count on to be there and help them.
On Sunday, March 22, 2015 10:48 AM, "Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:
-=-"as a Buddhist - I have struggled with the aggression my 4 yr old son has displayed, after attending school for a year... I am open to learning and new ideas"-=-
Only moderators got to see this, as someone joining the group wrote it, but I think it's wonderful for discussion and so have brought it. The author is welcome to leave it anonymous, or to claim it. No need to defend it—you could just let the comments flow by.
-=-I have struggled with the aggression-=-
Words and thoughts and emotion are all entangled. Untangle.
(Ooh.... I'm going to use that in Just Add Light and Stir. :-) Anyone who doesn't know what that is might want to subscribe: http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com )
If he's aggressive, how does adding struggle to that help? :-)
http://sandradodd.com/battle
Please read that slowly, and twice. Let it percolate.
Every day he's away from school, that will fade.
But just as with any scab, scratching it and rubbing dirt in it isn't as good as letting it heal. So when school is no longer a part of the child's life, it's good to turn away from the school and let it fade into the distant past. Repeating and reciting and retelling the school problem keeps it alive and present.
If a parent is Buddhist, a little boy's biochemistry and muscles and brain development don't know that. A child of either gender needs to climb and jump and run and roll and flip and swing, to learn. They're learning about their physical abilities, and they're exploring their own power over their bodies and the other objects, and their possibilities. They NEED to do that, and parents should help them do it, rather than "struggle" about preventing or curtailing it! All kids need it, but generally speaking, boys need it TWICE.
http://sandradodd.com/physicality might help, but lots of things will help. A bicycle and a trampoline will help. :-)
-=-I am open to learning and new ideas-=-
Unschooling is all learning, all the time, if it's to work as well as it can—as much for the parents as for the kids!
I'm glad you wrote what you wrote, new member to this discussion! :-) Thanks!
Please, others, help out here.
Sandra
Only moderators got to see this, as someone joining the group wrote it, but I think it's wonderful for discussion and so have brought it. The author is welcome to leave it anonymous, or to claim it. No need to defend it—you could just let the comments flow by.
-=-I have struggled with the aggression-=-
Words and thoughts and emotion are all entangled. Untangle.
(Ooh.... I'm going to use that in Just Add Light and Stir. :-) Anyone who doesn't know what that is might want to subscribe: http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com )
If he's aggressive, how does adding struggle to that help? :-)
http://sandradodd.com/battle
Please read that slowly, and twice. Let it percolate.
Every day he's away from school, that will fade.
But just as with any scab, scratching it and rubbing dirt in it isn't as good as letting it heal. So when school is no longer a part of the child's life, it's good to turn away from the school and let it fade into the distant past. Repeating and reciting and retelling the school problem keeps it alive and present.
If a parent is Buddhist, a little boy's biochemistry and muscles and brain development don't know that. A child of either gender needs to climb and jump and run and roll and flip and swing, to learn. They're learning about their physical abilities, and they're exploring their own power over their bodies and the other objects, and their possibilities. They NEED to do that, and parents should help them do it, rather than "struggle" about preventing or curtailing it! All kids need it, but generally speaking, boys need it TWICE.
http://sandradodd.com/physicality might help, but lots of things will help. A bicycle and a trampoline will help. :-)
-=-I am open to learning and new ideas-=-
Unschooling is all learning, all the time, if it's to work as well as it can—as much for the parents as for the kids!
I'm glad you wrote what you wrote, new member to this discussion! :-) Thanks!
Please, others, help out here.
Sandra
Tiffani
I have 4 sons. The first two were quiet, calm, and not really into rough physical play. They would wrestle with their dad from time to time and would leave the room.
My 3rd son came along and he was so different from the other two. He would slam into me all the time. He would literally climb up on the table and if I got close he would jump on me. I learned to brace myself when he got near me. One day my friend was over and she said you know when he crashes into you like that he is hugging you. After she said that I realized she was right.
He needed hard hugs. Lots of physical contact. Lots of tossing in the air. He could ramp his bike at age 4. He has always been a thrill seeker. We try to give him all the physical outlets we can. He is 13 now. At our parkday when the group of young boys start hurting each other in play he jumps in and they all "attack" him. He can take it and he loves it. He is also very gentle and considerate. He is kind to young kids and helpful to adults. All the toddler girls love to sit in his lap and lead him around.
Being a very physical person do not mean aggressive. My son is not aggressive. He might have seemed that way if we did not realize early on that he needed a physical outlet.
Tiffani Mooney
From: "BRIAN POLIKOWSKY polykowholsteins@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]>
To: "[email protected]" <[email protected]>
Sent: Sunday, March 22, 2015 10:49 AM
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Rough play and little boys
I think many parents have very big misconceptions of how a child should behave. I have seen perfectly normal toddlers being demonized by adults that wanted them to act and behave in ways that they are not capable of at that age.
There is literature that explain why young kids may act the way they do and still people think those kids have issues.
I think the issue is a parent or care giver not close enough, present enough and connected enough. Not that it will prevent EVERY single thing .
Being present , connected and close will help a parent PREVENT, and foresee what needs a child has that they can address and fulfill.
This "violent" or "aggressive" child probably needs lots of physical stimulation, outlets, a parent to rumble and tumble, a parent to make sure and keep them from being too hungry, tired and thirsty.
A parent that can help and step in before they are too overwhelmed and frustrated or that can avoid putting the child in situations that they know will causes that child to react in not a good way.
Children also need parents who are calm and centered and that can keep their heads leveled and cool if the child is having a hard time. They need to be the ones to keep cool so their child feels secure in having someone they can count on to be there and help them.
There is literature that explain why young kids may act the way they do and still people think those kids have issues.
I think the issue is a parent or care giver not close enough, present enough and connected enough. Not that it will prevent EVERY single thing .
Being present , connected and close will help a parent PREVENT, and foresee what needs a child has that they can address and fulfill.
This "violent" or "aggressive" child probably needs lots of physical stimulation, outlets, a parent to rumble and tumble, a parent to make sure and keep them from being too hungry, tired and thirsty.
A parent that can help and step in before they are too overwhelmed and frustrated or that can avoid putting the child in situations that they know will causes that child to react in not a good way.
Children also need parents who are calm and centered and that can keep their heads leveled and cool if the child is having a hard time. They need to be the ones to keep cool so their child feels secure in having someone they can count on to be there and help them.
On Sunday, March 22, 2015 10:48 AM, "Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:
-=-"as a Buddhist - I have struggled with the aggression my 4 yr old son has displayed, after attending school for a year... I am open to learning and new ideas"-=-
Only moderators got to see this, as someone joining the group wrote it, but I think it's wonderful for discussion and so have brought it. The author is welcome to leave it anonymous, or to claim it. No need to defend it—you could just let the comments flow by.
-=-I have struggled with the aggression-=-
Words and thoughts and emotion are all entangled. Untangle.
(Ooh.... I'm going to use that in Just Add Light and Stir. :-) Anyone who doesn't know what that is might want to subscribe: http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com )
If he's aggressive, how does adding struggle to that help? :-)
http://sandradodd.com/battle
Please read that slowly, and twice. Let it percolate.
Every day he's away from school, that will fade.
But just as with any scab, scratching it and rubbing dirt in it isn't as good as letting it heal. So when school is no longer a part of the child's life, it's good to turn away from the school and let it fade into the distant past. Repeating and reciting and retelling the school problem keeps it alive and present.
If a parent is Buddhist, a little boy's biochemistry and muscles and brain development don't know that. A child of either gender needs to climb and jump and run and roll and flip and swing, to learn. They're learning about their physical abilities, and they're exploring their own power over their bodies and the other objects, and their possibilities. They NEED to do that, and parents should help them do it, rather than "struggle" about preventing or curtailing it! All kids need it, but generally speaking, boys need it TWICE.
http://sandradodd.com/physicality might help, but lots of things will help. A bicycle and a trampoline will help. :-)
-=-I am open to learning and new ideas-=-
Unschooling is all learning, all the time, if it's to work as well as it can—as much for the parents as for the kids!
I'm glad you wrote what you wrote, new member to this discussion! :-) Thanks!
Please, others, help out here.
Sandra
Only moderators got to see this, as someone joining the group wrote it, but I think it's wonderful for discussion and so have brought it. The author is welcome to leave it anonymous, or to claim it. No need to defend it—you could just let the comments flow by.
-=-I have struggled with the aggression-=-
Words and thoughts and emotion are all entangled. Untangle.
(Ooh.... I'm going to use that in Just Add Light and Stir. :-) Anyone who doesn't know what that is might want to subscribe: http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com )
If he's aggressive, how does adding struggle to that help? :-)
http://sandradodd.com/battle
Please read that slowly, and twice. Let it percolate.
Every day he's away from school, that will fade.
But just as with any scab, scratching it and rubbing dirt in it isn't as good as letting it heal. So when school is no longer a part of the child's life, it's good to turn away from the school and let it fade into the distant past. Repeating and reciting and retelling the school problem keeps it alive and present.
If a parent is Buddhist, a little boy's biochemistry and muscles and brain development don't know that. A child of either gender needs to climb and jump and run and roll and flip and swing, to learn. They're learning about their physical abilities, and they're exploring their own power over their bodies and the other objects, and their possibilities. They NEED to do that, and parents should help them do it, rather than "struggle" about preventing or curtailing it! All kids need it, but generally speaking, boys need it TWICE.
http://sandradodd.com/physicality might help, but lots of things will help. A bicycle and a trampoline will help. :-)
-=-I am open to learning and new ideas-=-
Unschooling is all learning, all the time, if it's to work as well as it can—as much for the parents as for the kids!
I'm glad you wrote what you wrote, new member to this discussion! :-) Thanks!
Please, others, help out here.
Sandra
janine davies
Hi, I am a practising Nicheren Daishonin Buddhist, and have been for 8yrs now, and have been an unschooling mum for nearly two and a half yrs.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Date: Sun, 22 Mar 2015 17:49:44 +0000
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Rough play and little boys
I thought to share my personal experience of how practising Buddhism and living unschooling has played out in my life so far, and in light of the recent post on aggression and buddhist beliefs.
I find unschooling and the buddhism I practise travel well together on this different path, and I find they complement each other . I feel they both come from the same page in terms of helping me to be a better happier person, and help me to see areas that need change and positive action, and a change of thinking, and both play a part in my personal daily self improvement.
For me my Buddhist practise, and my reasons for doing it, are a very personal thing, and that initially came from a very real need to heal from childhood damage, and then from a need not to repeat damaging patterns as I become a parent.
As our child grew it became more and more apparent that we needed a profound and deep change from the conventional parenting and learning that I and my partner were going with, at a lost for anything else mainly, but didn't feel comfortable with, and more importantly neither did our son, we both really needed not to repeat the damaging and controlling domination and constraints, among other stuff....of our childhoods, and let go of a lot of fears, and we were searching for a while, and mainly for the courage to do it, and we do believe our Buddhist chanting helped to open us up to finding it, and with finding the courage to do it once we found it!.
So it really was a BIG day for me/us to discover a spiritual and transforming parenting and learning lifestyle that helps my family as a whole to be happier, more peaceful, mindful and kind, that spoke to me intellectually and is something I could apply in every moment and every thought as it is happening, and propelled big changes of thinking, and healing, forward and faster to better, and with more clarity and speed. Unschooling was the BIG key to that BIG door for me, my partner and my boys.
I started to find early on in my buddhist practise that when I changed something deeply and profoundly the change affected me as a whole, and better happier more positive vibes rippled out from me and affected those around me in a good, positive and beneficial way, and I felt, feel , and see exactly the same benefit from getting and fully living radical unschooling.
I feel like I have all areas covered now!
And thankfully not in a controlling, closed and hemming in way, but as an ever changing and adapting circle around us of kindness, happiness, healing, respect, faith, connection, learning, laughter, fun and comfort, and forward open, and always questioning thinking, which radiates and shines, and sends out positive ripples as a whole family now.
And one of the many areas of change for me with discovering and fully embracing and living Unschooling , once I had come down from the sheer joy and realisation that I can raise my boys without repeating some very damaging patterns that I experienced as a child.... is that it has shown me, and helped me to see and change my thinking on putting my beliefs on anything - in front of my child and struggling with them, instead of seeing my child as he is in a real situation that he needs help with, and is a natural part of childhood and development and age and stage, and some behaviours that he will grow out of one day anyway.
I saw how limiting, how stopping of the flow of learning it was - to be putting my beliefs and philosophy, however much it is based in kindness and peace and enlightened teachings, in front of my boys learning and thinking and experiences and development, or anyones thoughts, opinions and (often unfounded and scaremongering) views ideas and FEARS about the world, parenting and learning , first, and right in front of my boys, instead of looking fully and clearly at them.
Instead they needed me to be kind and peaceful and enlightened to their needs and to fully be with them, and fully listening to them and trusting their needs and wants and natural development and stages, and fully allowing them to learn from all that is in and around them in their lives, and not putting any of my struggles in front of that learning, even as a Buddhist. I have learnt through unschooling that there is no learning in struggling for them or me.
This was a big learning curve, be it vegetarianism, feminism, stiener'ism (I made that up..Bad experience....) any 'ism'. Unschooling helped me to realise that I needed to see my boys clearly without any 'is m's' clouding my vision of them. Even the wonderful 'ism' that buddhism is.
My practise is mine, and it is still important to me, and a part of my day. It was searched for by me, through my life experiences so far and a need to heal and self improve and help me be more mindful, and it is wholly my choice to practise it or not, and is something my boys can learn about for themselves if, as, and when they need it or choose it.
But right now they need me to help them learn from what they are living and experiencing right now as children navigating the often turbulent waters of childhood, and unschooling is allowing of their natural development and learning as much as is possible, and with good principles of kindness respect and peace, and peaceful choices and options leading the way, as Sandra said
"They NEED to do that, and parents should help them do it, rather than "struggle" about preventing or curtailing it! ""
I now see they have a much better chance to learn the message and philosophy of buddhism or any peaceful world changing movement, by us fully living radical unschooling right here right now, by them being with us, them living and learning with us , and observing daily the people they love striving to live by good principles to the fullest every day peacefully and without any struggles , AND both Buddhism and unschooling have kindness respect and peace as the heart of them so it's a win win!
I , and my partner who is also a practising Nicheren buddhist, both make no comment from a Buddhist prospective or any prospective on any of their chosen play, areas of interests and learning, or gaming play either - unschooling helped us to see it simply as the play it really is, and very important and full of learning play at that.
So although in terms of aggression and violence I get and understand and feel strongly myself that aggression and violence is not the solution to real grown up adult, in the world, conflict and situations - unschooling helped me not to fear their chosen game play and play fighting and war games, and not to fear natural childhood yearnings and stages, and helped me to change the thinking that they will become serial killers or the like if they play war, and with guns and gaming with guns, and instead see it as the play it is.
I realised that through living this unschooling life they will learn as they grow and play and test , and will learn that any aggression and anger at the injustices of the world can be put to valuable use as an adult in value creating and peaceful ways.
And the best way for that to happen is by having a kind positive parents who are right there fully being with them, trusting them , supporting them, and fully living unschooling principles, which are so similar and based in kindness.
Learning about and getting unschooling deeper and deeper into my families lives and learning everyday. Learning to allow the natural and essential play and learning to happen, and letting go of my fears and projections.
I have found Unschooling unbelievably helpful, supporting and liberating, and honestly - living it and deeply getting it has had the most healing influence and healing results in a certain area of my life above and beyond my buddhist practise, it gets right to the grass roots intelligently, kindly, and clearly , and is much more peaceful than struggling any day.
=-"as a Buddhist - I have struggled with the aggression my 4 yr old son has displayed, after attending school for a year... I am open to learning and new ideas"-=-
I think Sandra made a great point about that, with this:
"'If a parent is Buddhist, a little boy's biochemistry and muscles and brain development don't know that. A child of either gender needs to climb and jump and run and roll and flip and swing, to learn. They're learning about their physical abilities, and they're exploring their own power over their bodies and the other objects, and their possibilities. They NEED to do that, and parents should help them do it, rather than "struggle" about preventing or curtailing it! All kids need it, but generally speaking, boys need it TWICE.""
School can and does increase aggression in some kids, and it did in my son. And I did something about it (eventually...) My son is an open hearted sensitive curious boy who had started to change right before my eyes and became anxious and angry, and was clearly suffering and was in need of a choice and a big change, and when I found that there actually was a choice and a different path to be had, I offered it and he took it and ran with it, and so began the huge learning curve that I and he, all of us are grateful for everyday.
My sons increased aggression in school was learning, learning that he needed to learn in order to survive in school. The school aggression and need for survival tactics have faded over time with my son, as Sandra has noted it can - if not made a big thing of, and just left to fade away.
But he was and still is lively and loud, loves rough and tumble games, leaping & jumping, everything he does is big and loud, even his hugs and demonstrations of love and affection, and he can still be aggressive and hurtful at times too, to me and others, and hits his brother from time to time, and visa versa. All his emotions are big and can be a challenge at times.
He also loves guns, swords, war, war pretend play, and war/fighting based gaming play, and he also loves his cats and flowers and fairy lights, and his bro and us deeply too. 
My partner has talked often to me about his learning from unschooling, he really learnt and understands now that the play is where all the learning is, and for boys especially the need to let it play out and test limits and boundaries in this kind of physical fighting play, and he now sees and feels it is vital to their natural development (displayed more in some that others) but also sees and has learnt that it is better if learnt in a safe unschooling home and life, than thrown in the deep (damaging) end that school is, and he feels strongly now it would be damaging if that natural play and learning is stopped or shamed by a parents very grown up, individual, views on things.
I have complete faith now that through the unlimited and free playing of games they love, and testing their limits and power and possibilities in a safe environment, they have a better chance to learn to be mindful and kind and respectful, and a better chance to grown up HAPPY, and be less angry at the world adults, from living and learning from the unschooling life along side us.
And I see mine and my partners Buddhist practice as a bonus to that but not an essential part of it, a practise that myself and my partner have chosen for ourselves as part of our self improvement and will be playing out quietly, and separately, but also naturally as part of ours and their day, and through being privy to the meetings we hold at our home form time to time, hearing us and our friends chanting, talking and discussing the principles and philosophy , and sharing experiences, they will be naturally learning from that everyday and they will take from it what they will, and may one day even seek it, but that will be their choice entirely.
But for them right now in their world from moment to moment, their peace and happiness and much needed feelings and need for safety and comfort, and feeling free to be who they are, self direct their learning, and grow into the people that are meant to be, is being aided, and allowed to be, more from us being unschooling parents, than from us being buddhists, and is the most important and nesscesary thing for them and their, and ours, happiness today, right here right now.
And I feel that if I am doing that fully, and providing and allowing that for them as best as I can every day, and with the help of my mindful chanting thrown in, then all the learning will fall into place as and when they need it, and when they are in the right place and age developmentally for them to naturally learn it.
I really hope that they grow whole and happy and wont need anything to get them through the night to be honest, and that they see that peace is the only answer from experiencing in it in their childhoods as much as we can make possible , but if they do need something to help with that they will know that Buddhism and chanting is there if they want it, and that it can help.
No struggles now , just peaceful happy flow, and when and if aggression arises helping and supporting as a non judging, non shaming, and non blaming unschooling mum, who is full of positive unschooling principles and thinking, AND buddhist principles and thinking, that is based in the here and now of my children's lives, and my children's needs, and not caught up in struggling of any kind.
In buddhism it is believed that buddhism is life, and I now believe unschooling is really living that life.
Janine
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Date: Sun, 22 Mar 2015 17:49:44 +0000
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Rough play and little boys
I think many parents have very big misconceptions of how a child should behave. I have seen perfectly normal toddlers being demonized by adults that wanted them to act and behave in ways that they are not capable of at that age.
There is literature that explain why young kids may act the way they do and still people think those kids have issues.
I think the issue is a parent or care giver not close enough, present enough and connected enough. Not that it will prevent EVERY single thing .
Being present , connected and close will help a parent PREVENT, and foresee what needs a child has that they can address and fulfill.
This "violent" or "aggressive" child probably needs lots of physical stimulation, outlets, a parent to rumble and tumble, a parent to make sure and keep them from being too hungry, tired and thirsty.
A parent that can help and step in before they are too overwhelmed and frustrated or that can avoid putting the child in situations that they know will causes that child to react in not a good way.
Children also need parents who are calm and centered and that can keep their heads leveled and cool if the child is having a hard time. They need to be the ones to keep cool so their child feels secure in having someone they can count on to be there and help them.
There is literature that explain why young kids may act the way they do and still people think those kids have issues.
I think the issue is a parent or care giver not close enough, present enough and connected enough. Not that it will prevent EVERY single thing .
Being present , connected and close will help a parent PREVENT, and foresee what needs a child has that they can address and fulfill.
This "violent" or "aggressive" child probably needs lots of physical stimulation, outlets, a parent to rumble and tumble, a parent to make sure and keep them from being too hungry, tired and thirsty.
A parent that can help and step in before they are too overwhelmed and frustrated or that can avoid putting the child in situations that they know will causes that child to react in not a good way.
Children also need parents who are calm and centered and that can keep their heads leveled and cool if the child is having a hard time. They need to be the ones to keep cool so their child feels secure in having someone they can count on to be there and help them.
On Sunday, March 22, 2015 10:48 AM, "Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:
-=-"as a Buddhist - I have struggled with the aggression my 4 yr old son has displayed, after attending school for a year... I am open to learning and new ideas"-=-
Only moderators got to see this, as someone joining the group wrote it, but I think it's wonderful for discussion and so have brought it. The author is welcome to leave it anonymous, or to claim it. No need to defend it—you could just let the comments flow by.
-=-I have struggled with the aggression-=-
Words and thoughts and emotion are all entangled. Untangle.
(Ooh.... I'm going to use that in Just Add Light and Stir. :-) Anyone who doesn't know what that is might want to subscribe: http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com )
If he's aggressive, how does adding struggle to that help? :-)
http://sandradodd.com/battle
Please read that slowly, and twice. Let it percolate.
Every day he's away from school, that will fade.
But just as with any scab, scratching it and rubbing dirt in it isn't as good as letting it heal. So when school is no longer a part of the child's life, it's good to turn away from the school and let it fade into the distant past. Repeating and reciting and retelling the school problem keeps it alive and present.
If a parent is Buddhist, a little boy's biochemistry and muscles and brain development don't know that. A child of either gender needs to climb and jump and run and roll and flip and swing, to learn. They're learning about their physical abilities, and they're exploring their own power over their bodies and the other objects, and their possibilities. They NEED to do that, and parents should help them do it, rather than "struggle" about preventing or curtailing it! All kids need it, but generally speaking, boys need it TWICE.
http://sandradodd.com/physicality might help, but lots of things will help. A bicycle and a trampoline will help. :-)
-=-I am open to learning and new ideas-=-
Unschooling is all learning, all the time, if it's to work as well as it can—as much for the parents as for the kids!
I'm glad you wrote what you wrote, new member to this discussion! :-) Thanks!
Please, others, help out here.
Sandra
Only moderators got to see this, as someone joining the group wrote it, but I think it's wonderful for discussion and so have brought it. The author is welcome to leave it anonymous, or to claim it. No need to defend it—you could just let the comments flow by.
-=-I have struggled with the aggression-=-
Words and thoughts and emotion are all entangled. Untangle.
(Ooh.... I'm going to use that in Just Add Light and Stir. :-) Anyone who doesn't know what that is might want to subscribe: http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com )
If he's aggressive, how does adding struggle to that help? :-)
http://sandradodd.com/battle
Please read that slowly, and twice. Let it percolate.
Every day he's away from school, that will fade.
But just as with any scab, scratching it and rubbing dirt in it isn't as good as letting it heal. So when school is no longer a part of the child's life, it's good to turn away from the school and let it fade into the distant past. Repeating and reciting and retelling the school problem keeps it alive and present.
If a parent is Buddhist, a little boy's biochemistry and muscles and brain development don't know that. A child of either gender needs to climb and jump and run and roll and flip and swing, to learn. They're learning about their physical abilities, and they're exploring their own power over their bodies and the other objects, and their possibilities. They NEED to do that, and parents should help them do it, rather than "struggle" about preventing or curtailing it! All kids need it, but generally speaking, boys need it TWICE.
http://sandradodd.com/physicality might help, but lots of things will help. A bicycle and a trampoline will help. :-)
-=-I am open to learning and new ideas-=-
Unschooling is all learning, all the time, if it's to work as well as it can—as much for the parents as for the kids!
I'm glad you wrote what you wrote, new member to this discussion! :-) Thanks!
Please, others, help out here.
Sandra
emmamarieforde@...
I wrote this before reading Janine's account of her relationship with Buddhist principles in her life. I think it ties in with some of the things she has said about seeing your actual child and deciding what your priorities are. It might not be the Buddhist ideas themselves which may cause difficulties in seeing an actual child but it may be the relationship a parent has to those ideas, their interpretation of them and whether they are able to think critically and reflectively about them and prioritise their actual child above those beliefs.
-=-"as a Buddhist - I have struggled with the aggression my 4 yr old son has displayed, after attending school for a year... I am open to learning and new ideas"-=-
It sounds like your identification with Buddhism is getting in the way of seeing your actual son. If you are attached to a Buddhist framework it might be useful to critically reflect on what ideas you have that are helpful in facilitating and developing a better relationship with your son and what ideas you have that are actually hindering/impeding your relationship with him.
It may be that your particular interpretation of Buddhist ideas is preventing you from being responsive to your child. Either way it sounds like the identification is not helping you to understand or connect with your son.
What are your priorities? Are you attached to certain ideas or ways of being more than you are attached to the well being of your son and your relationship with him? If your priority is understanding and improving the relationship with your son then a better choice is to learn about ideas and ways of being which move you closer to this goal.
I have found many ideas here that have helped me to make better choices and to improve my relationship with my children. Here is an exploration of some of these issues: http://sandradodd.com/priorities
---I have struggled with the aggression my 4yr old has displayed, after attending school for a year... ---
I think how you respond to your son also depends on what you mean by aggression. Aggression can be defined in various ways and how one views the behaviour will have an impact on how you respond to it.
I believe all behaviour is a communication. I think children who are displaying aggressive behaviour, that may be behaviour that is described as violent or destructive that may harm or is intended to harm the self or others, is communicating that they have some unmet needs. This could be due to something as simple as a child feeling overwhelmed because they are tired or hungry. It may be due to a lack of physical connection and activity that could be met through the contact and closeness provided through rough and tumble play.
However, I think there may be a difference between an increased need for physicality and a child who has feelings of aggression towards self and others. A parent may interpret a child's natural exuberance and need for physicality and contact as aggression. Or perhaps a child might feel frustrated through not being able to express themselves in a physical way and a lack of connection with their parent could result in aggressive feelings. I think it may have other meanings as well.
How is your child being aggressive? Is his aggression directed toward particular people? Is it directed towards you? It could be signalling that there are issues it would be helpful to reflect upon and to respond to in your relationship with him.
At 4 yrs old your child was very young to have spent a year in school. This may have meant that he was separated from you prematurely before he was ready to manage being apart from you for long stretches of time. How did you son feel about going to school? It could be that he is feeling angry about being sent to school, he may have felt abandoned and disconnected while he was away from you. It might be that his feelings are being expressed now that he is away from school and in a safer position to do so.
I would also look at what might be frustrating him now which could be causing him to feel aggressive. Does he feel misunderstood? Is he seeking physical and emotional contact and closeness from you? Do you spend lots of time playing with him, being with him, sharing and facilitating his interests? Are there things he wants to do that depend upon you to help partner and facilitate? Are there other events in your lives that may be causing stress, anxiety or frustration?
If you are "struggling" with his aggression it might be that you are not enjoying spending time with him and that he is sensing this. He might feel that your love is conditional and that you do not want to listen to or respond to his anger or frustration. If he is not feeling accepted and he is feeling misunderstood this might lead to further feelings of anger, aggression and disconnection.
It could be useful to reflect on your experience of anger and aggression in your life and how this might be colouring your view of your child. At 4yrs old your child is communicating their needs largely through their behaviour and aggression may be a sign that you are missing something important. A child depends upon their parent to meet their needs for attachment and security. Your son may have missed out on having some of these needs met by being prematurely separated from you, this in itself could lead to a child having aggressive feelings and behaving aggressively.
Some parents can view a child that exhibits aggressive behaviours as one who is powerful and in control. However, in my experience the opposite is the case. A child that has to resort to aggressive behaviours to get their needs met is one that is feeling powerless, frightened and out of control. His aggression could be a signal that he has unmet needs for emotional connection and security and/or he may be frustrated in other ways. At 4 yrs old children may not have much control in their lives or ability to make choices unless they are facilitated by their parent or the adults around them.
Did your son want/choose to leave school? Even if he did want to leave school there might be people or friends that he misses or aspects of going to school that he enjoyed? There might be some things that he likes about being at home and some things that he is finding it harder to adapt to.
Now your son is not in school it could be an opportunity to get to know him again and develop your relationship with him. What about his dad? What kind of relationship do you and your son have with him? Is his dad also actively partnering him and being responsive and engaged? How you and his dad relate to each other can also have an impact on how a child feels and behaves.
At 4 yrs old he will depend on you actively partnering him to find out what helps to make him happy and calm. It will be useful for you to find out what upsets and frustrates him so that you can anticipate and better meet his needs. This may involve being more responsive and present in your relationship with him and/or changing the environment to make it more facilitative and suited to him.
If he went to school at such a young age it is possible that you ignored, controlled or restricted other aspects of his experience. It may be the case that you are continuing to do this in some areas of his life and that he is continuing to feel frustrated or angry about it and this may also cause him to behave in aggressive ways. There are some ideas here that might be useful: http://sandradodd.com/gradualchange
It could take him some time to recover from these experiences and to trust you even if you are now transitioning to parenting in a more responsive and reflective way.
Emma Forde
-=-"as a Buddhist - I have struggled with the aggression my 4 yr old son has displayed, after attending school for a year... I am open to learning and new ideas"-=-
It sounds like your identification with Buddhism is getting in the way of seeing your actual son. If you are attached to a Buddhist framework it might be useful to critically reflect on what ideas you have that are helpful in facilitating and developing a better relationship with your son and what ideas you have that are actually hindering/impeding your relationship with him.
It may be that your particular interpretation of Buddhist ideas is preventing you from being responsive to your child. Either way it sounds like the identification is not helping you to understand or connect with your son.
What are your priorities? Are you attached to certain ideas or ways of being more than you are attached to the well being of your son and your relationship with him? If your priority is understanding and improving the relationship with your son then a better choice is to learn about ideas and ways of being which move you closer to this goal.
I have found many ideas here that have helped me to make better choices and to improve my relationship with my children. Here is an exploration of some of these issues: http://sandradodd.com/priorities
---I have struggled with the aggression my 4yr old has displayed, after attending school for a year... ---
I think how you respond to your son also depends on what you mean by aggression. Aggression can be defined in various ways and how one views the behaviour will have an impact on how you respond to it.
I believe all behaviour is a communication. I think children who are displaying aggressive behaviour, that may be behaviour that is described as violent or destructive that may harm or is intended to harm the self or others, is communicating that they have some unmet needs. This could be due to something as simple as a child feeling overwhelmed because they are tired or hungry. It may be due to a lack of physical connection and activity that could be met through the contact and closeness provided through rough and tumble play.
However, I think there may be a difference between an increased need for physicality and a child who has feelings of aggression towards self and others. A parent may interpret a child's natural exuberance and need for physicality and contact as aggression. Or perhaps a child might feel frustrated through not being able to express themselves in a physical way and a lack of connection with their parent could result in aggressive feelings. I think it may have other meanings as well.
How is your child being aggressive? Is his aggression directed toward particular people? Is it directed towards you? It could be signalling that there are issues it would be helpful to reflect upon and to respond to in your relationship with him.
At 4 yrs old your child was very young to have spent a year in school. This may have meant that he was separated from you prematurely before he was ready to manage being apart from you for long stretches of time. How did you son feel about going to school? It could be that he is feeling angry about being sent to school, he may have felt abandoned and disconnected while he was away from you. It might be that his feelings are being expressed now that he is away from school and in a safer position to do so.
I would also look at what might be frustrating him now which could be causing him to feel aggressive. Does he feel misunderstood? Is he seeking physical and emotional contact and closeness from you? Do you spend lots of time playing with him, being with him, sharing and facilitating his interests? Are there things he wants to do that depend upon you to help partner and facilitate? Are there other events in your lives that may be causing stress, anxiety or frustration?
If you are "struggling" with his aggression it might be that you are not enjoying spending time with him and that he is sensing this. He might feel that your love is conditional and that you do not want to listen to or respond to his anger or frustration. If he is not feeling accepted and he is feeling misunderstood this might lead to further feelings of anger, aggression and disconnection.
It could be useful to reflect on your experience of anger and aggression in your life and how this might be colouring your view of your child. At 4yrs old your child is communicating their needs largely through their behaviour and aggression may be a sign that you are missing something important. A child depends upon their parent to meet their needs for attachment and security. Your son may have missed out on having some of these needs met by being prematurely separated from you, this in itself could lead to a child having aggressive feelings and behaving aggressively.
Some parents can view a child that exhibits aggressive behaviours as one who is powerful and in control. However, in my experience the opposite is the case. A child that has to resort to aggressive behaviours to get their needs met is one that is feeling powerless, frightened and out of control. His aggression could be a signal that he has unmet needs for emotional connection and security and/or he may be frustrated in other ways. At 4 yrs old children may not have much control in their lives or ability to make choices unless they are facilitated by their parent or the adults around them.
Did your son want/choose to leave school? Even if he did want to leave school there might be people or friends that he misses or aspects of going to school that he enjoyed? There might be some things that he likes about being at home and some things that he is finding it harder to adapt to.
Now your son is not in school it could be an opportunity to get to know him again and develop your relationship with him. What about his dad? What kind of relationship do you and your son have with him? Is his dad also actively partnering him and being responsive and engaged? How you and his dad relate to each other can also have an impact on how a child feels and behaves.
At 4 yrs old he will depend on you actively partnering him to find out what helps to make him happy and calm. It will be useful for you to find out what upsets and frustrates him so that you can anticipate and better meet his needs. This may involve being more responsive and present in your relationship with him and/or changing the environment to make it more facilitative and suited to him.
If he went to school at such a young age it is possible that you ignored, controlled or restricted other aspects of his experience. It may be the case that you are continuing to do this in some areas of his life and that he is continuing to feel frustrated or angry about it and this may also cause him to behave in aggressive ways. There are some ideas here that might be useful: http://sandradodd.com/gradualchange
It could take him some time to recover from these experiences and to trust you even if you are now transitioning to parenting in a more responsive and reflective way.
Emma Forde
Sandra Dodd
Janine wrote:
-=-..in terms of aggression and violence I get and understand and feel strongly myself that aggression and violence is not the solution to real grown up adult, in the world, conflict and situations - unschooling helped me not to fear their chosen game play and play fighting and war games, and not to fear natural childhood yearnings and stages, and helped me to change the thinking that they will become serial killers or the like if they play war, and with guns and gaming with guns, and instead see it as the play it is.-=-
It's more violent for a parent to shame and control a child than it is for the child to run around with a toy gun.
http://sandradodd.com/peace/guns
More people talk about peace than think about it. :-)
Many people are full of peaceful platitudes, and fury that others aren't "peaceful" to their specifications or fantasies. :-)
Sandra
-=-..in terms of aggression and violence I get and understand and feel strongly myself that aggression and violence is not the solution to real grown up adult, in the world, conflict and situations - unschooling helped me not to fear their chosen game play and play fighting and war games, and not to fear natural childhood yearnings and stages, and helped me to change the thinking that they will become serial killers or the like if they play war, and with guns and gaming with guns, and instead see it as the play it is.-=-
It's more violent for a parent to shame and control a child than it is for the child to run around with a toy gun.
http://sandradodd.com/peace/guns
More people talk about peace than think about it. :-)
Many people are full of peaceful platitudes, and fury that others aren't "peaceful" to their specifications or fantasies. :-)
Sandra
janine davies
This is a very late in the day response to the last email from Sandra on this discussion.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Date: Thu, 26 Mar 2015 19:57:27 -0600
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Rough play and little boys
I have been thinking a lot about this since I wrote my very long response, and I think I wrote my response to Sandras last email in my head but didn't actually get round to really writing it and sending it! So I would like to just add this.
My original response was long, and a bit rambly perhaps, and il be honest and say that I found it a tricky discussion actually.
There are a few different ways of practising buddism and being a bUddhist, so I was of course only coming from my experience and particular practise of it, and I was aware of the potential to perhaps upset, as can happen when talking about religion/spiritual philosophies, so although I was honest, I feel I did tread a little gently, and ended up perhaps a bit wishy washy... and did write too much and on too many tangents....
And this is what I love about unschooling! And of course Sandra. Actually what I really wanted to convey, but I ended up struggling with ironically, is this:
Sandra wrote ""It's more violent for a parent to shame and control a child than it is for the child to run around with a toy gun.""
Because this is the bottom line whatever religion or philosophy you believe in. And unschooling showed me and my partner this, not Buddhism.
This is true for myself and my partner, and we have talked a lot about it amongst ourselves - Unschooling is spiritual and it's enlightening and its the truth, with no dogma no leaders, no icons, No teachings, and no struggles (except at first with the changes of thinking on some things).
I like chanting, and desire and promote world peace, but above all else I wanted, needed, peace in my own family, and I knew that there was a way to achieve it somewhere out there, and unschooling was it for us.
There are five guidelines of faith in the buddhism I practise, and no 1 is " Faith for an harmonious family'. I only achieved that in my family to the degree it is now because of unschooling, because of the change in thinking it opens up and allows to flow if you let it.
It starts with peace, kindness, respect and non violence in my own family, and how could that be if I was banning guns, or guns play, or getting upset at my son's natural boisterousness and need to play fight, and at his natural developmental stage, shaming him and not giving him choices or options, or space time and freedom to learn from this area of play, if we were struggling and battling over it - it is way more violent!
I do remember saying when he was about 7 or 8 'Im a buddhist we don't believe in violence and war so its uncomfortable for me when you play with a gun" I remember he said "but its not real mum...."
I did let him before unschooling, but grudgingly, and he knew, and I do now remember his face the first time after starting to deschool when I picked up a play gun of his and fired it at him, he loved it! He still loves it, and he often hides a gun in my room under the bed or in a drawer, and when I find it thats the signal to try and creep up on him and surprise and shoot him! A lot like Inspector clouseau and Kato.
Sam says I'm lethal.
Sandra wrote ""More people talk about peace than think about it. :-)
Many people are full of peaceful platitudes, and fury that others aren't "peaceful" to their specifications or fantasies. :-)""
Karl and I see this a lot of that within our buddhist organisation, and this I struggle with (but not so much).
Many buddhist I know will say "we are all on the same journey but at a different point on the road" and i get that , but again its unschooling that propelled karl and I, and our thinking, faster up the road of understanding that, it made us really think about it! Really think about and understand peace. Its much more productive to actually have peace and kindness equality and respect in our own little family, and walk the walk, rather than just talk the talk and then come home and be mean controlling and violent with my kids! And stopping any chance of real peace out of programmed fear, and just not thinking clearly, not knowing how to think clearly.
Unschooling helped us both to really walk the peace path, and not just talk about it.
Janine
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Date: Thu, 26 Mar 2015 19:57:27 -0600
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Rough play and little boys
Janine wrote:
-=-..in terms of aggression and violence I get and understand and feel strongly myself that aggression and violence is not the solution to real grown up adult, in the world, conflict and situations - unschooling helped me not to fear their chosen game play and play fighting and war games, and not to fear natural childhood yearnings and stages, and helped me to change the thinking that they will become serial killers or the like if they play war, and with guns and gaming with guns, and instead see it as the play it is.-=-
It's more violent for a parent to shame and control a child than it is for the child to run around with a toy gun.
http://sandradodd.com/peace/guns
More people talk about peace than think about it. :-)
Many people are full of peaceful platitudes, and fury that others aren't "peaceful" to their specifications or fantasies. :-)
Sandra
-=-..in terms of aggression and violence I get and understand and feel strongly myself that aggression and violence is not the solution to real grown up adult, in the world, conflict and situations - unschooling helped me not to fear their chosen game play and play fighting and war games, and not to fear natural childhood yearnings and stages, and helped me to change the thinking that they will become serial killers or the like if they play war, and with guns and gaming with guns, and instead see it as the play it is.-=-
It's more violent for a parent to shame and control a child than it is for the child to run around with a toy gun.
http://sandradodd.com/peace/guns
More people talk about peace than think about it. :-)
Many people are full of peaceful platitudes, and fury that others aren't "peaceful" to their specifications or fantasies. :-)
Sandra
Sandra Dodd
Thank you, Janine, for all that thoughtful writing about Buddhism.
What I had really hoped you would write about was rough play and little boys and large-muscle movement, and dance, and that too often families discourage large expressive action in boys. Sports, a family might accept. Otherwise, fantasy-related movement sometimes is discouraged too easily and too soon, in boys.
But the other ideas are great, too. :-)
Sandra
What I had really hoped you would write about was rough play and little boys and large-muscle movement, and dance, and that too often families discourage large expressive action in boys. Sports, a family might accept. Otherwise, fantasy-related movement sometimes is discouraged too easily and too soon, in boys.
But the other ideas are great, too. :-)
Sandra
Sarah Thompson
I think it might be relevant to note that "Buddhist" is a construct that can get a pass sometimes without examination. Are the Buddhists of Bhutan peaceful? Are they kind?
This is where a label can prevent people from being honest with themselves about peace. Sandra is right. Some of the most intellectually violent action I see is marketed through the "peace" label.
Sarah