<boisei@...>

This is something that I’ve been thinking about lately because I find myself not quite knowing what I should do. My 12 yo son loves movies, comics, video games, special effects and makeup, American history, animals and collecting hot toys and other action figures.  I try to provide him with what asks for and I try to send new and interesting things his way.  He, as well as his brother, do not like to go out, so I have to be creative with what I can do at home.  I have written before about him being bored and wanting things to do.  I have been more present with him, we sword fight, talk about super heroes and play role playing games.  He generally seems happier but, He still asks “what can I do I’m bored?”.  It makes me feel anxious because I want to help him find something to interest him. 

 

An example from today struck me.  He wanted to build a special effect ufo type thing and did I have two bowls that I didn’t need.  Well I didn’t have two plastic bowls I didn’t need so I started to think about what he could use.  While I was thinking (about 1 minute after he asked for the bowls) he said, “see this is why I can never do anything, because we don’t have the materials”.  We have quite a bit of stuff (we save cool packaging, bottles, and other things just for this purpose) and also many supplies for things he enjoys.  Very quickly I searched the recycle bin and found two matching bottles and we began cutting off the bottoms.  As we were both working on it he lost interest.  The whole interaction from him asking to me getting stuff until we stopped was about 10 minutes.  My reaction to this and other interactions like it are anxiety because if I can’t produce the supplies and equipment he needs for something very quickly he will lose interest.  Usually while I’m getting him things he is already starting to lose interest.  I’m wracking my brain trying to think what else I can offer or provide that he wouldn’t lose interest in and it is giving me some stress.   

 

When I read something Joyce wrote in a post on 1/15 it really stuck with me and I’ve been mulling it over ever since:

 

Do put in effort to provide him with information and the power to make his choices happen. But recognize that *he* will put the effort into making something happen when it's important to him. Important enough to do rather than just think about doing.

 

When I read this I wondered if this is where my son and I are.  I’m not sure how to tell if I’m doing all I can for him.   Am I just trying to be a fixer and therefore taking responsibility for his happiness?  Further, how do I share that responsibility with him and not feel like I’m being mildly neglectful.  The middle ground between me finding the right thing to catch his attention and letting him grab onto something when he wants it seems very elusive , uncomfortable, I’m not sure what word best describes it. 

 

I’d love to hear people’s thoughts about this.

Melissa

Jo

> He still asks gwhat can I do Ifm bored?h <

Hi there have you tried asking what he would like from you in these situations?

Sometimes my son (7) likes a list of suggestions until one strikes his fancy. I think it feels a bit like a game to him and it's very fun for me too - being so creative on the spot. I put in ideas connected to stuff he's just been doing, stuff that's completely different, ideas we've had together in the past but not got round to yet, wacky, silly things that make him laugh.... What usually happens is that something I say either reminds him of or gives him an idea, and he's off... (on the idea/project I mean).

Or maybe your son might like it if you offer "want to do something together?"
If he says yes but isn't sure what to do, you could suggest "let's just hang out and see..."

More hanging out and chatting together might help your son see that ideas can come from all over the place, both internally and externally, from connections in our minds and through conversation with others, all the time really. Could he have got the message (from you maybe, or school? - not sure if he is always unschooled - in which case forget that bit!) that we wait for ideas to be given to us?, in which case backing off a bit from providing the answer, but at the same time staying with him to chat and hang out, might open up another way of creative thinking for him...

With your example of the UFO project, I could see why he lost interest, but I would also see that as a sign that he wasn't super into the idea anyway, and I wouldn't worry. It's not realistic for you to always have exactly what he wants for his projects. You can help him be creative with what you have got, if he's into it, and leave it if not.

This example lead me to wonder if perhaps he was trying to justify his boredom in some way? Could he have got the message that it's not ok to be bored? It's natural for us to feel bored sometimes, it can be a creative break, or a pause for the mind. What if you've been given the message that's not ok, that you shouldn't feel bored, but you do! How do you justify your own feelings?, perhaps by 'proving' why you're bored....

If I have any more thoughts I'll post again...


On 18 Mar 2014, at 04:13, <boisei@...> wrote:

> He still asks gwhat can I do Ifm bored?h

Lisa Celedon

<<Could he have got the message that it's not ok to be bored?>>

The OP mentioned that her son's boredom makes her anxious- she's anxious to keep him happy and engaged and interested. A mom's anxiety or lack of ease around anything can send a message to a child that it's not okay.

The suggestion to be lighthearted about it could be a way of helping you relax, and move away from being anxious. There are lots of ways a parent can contribute to their children's happiness, and one of those ways is to be calm and relaxed and soft. If you, the parent, can be calm and happy, especially when your son is bored, it will do more for his peace of mind and happiness than scrambling around anxiously trying to make him happy. Being calm and accepting of his boredom and restlessness will probably help you better see what he might actually need from you in those moments. An anxious mind is tight and tends to run in circles. A calm mind is soft and open and receptive, and ideas and connections are fluid and easy, even if they take time.

Lisa C


Sent from my iPhone

D. Regan

This is something that I’ve been thinking about lately because I find myself not quite knowing what I should do. My 12 yo son loves movies, comics, video games, special effects and makeup, American history, animals and collecting hot toys and other action figures.  I try to provide him with what asks for and I try to send new and interesting things his way.  He, as well as his brother, do not like to go out, so I have to be creative with what I can do at home.  I have written before about him being bored and wanting things to do.  I have been more present with him, we sword fight, talk about super heroes and play role playing games.  He generally seems happier but, He still asks “what can I do I’m bored?”.  It makes me feel anxious because I want to help him find something to interest him...  

...Usually while I’m getting him things he is already starting to lose interest.  I’m wracking my brain trying to think what else I can offer or provide that he wouldn’t lose interest in and it is giving me some stress.   
 
When I read something Joyce wrote in a post on 1/15 it really stuck with me and I’ve been mulling it over ever since:
 
Do put in effort to provide him with information and the power to make his choices happen. But recognize that *he* will put the effort into making something happen when it's important to him. Important enough to do rather than just think about doing.
 
When I read this I wondered if this is where my son and I are.  I’m not sure how to tell if I’m doing all I can for him.   Am I just trying to be a fixer and therefore taking responsibility for his happiness?  Further, how do I share that responsibility with him and not feel like I’m being mildly neglectful.  The middle ground between me finding the right thing to catch his attention and letting him grab onto something when he wants it seems very elusive , uncomfortable, I’m not sure what word best describes it. 


Joyce wrote her comment in the context of a mother who was micromanaging her older teen son.  The context here is of a 12 year old who feels thwarted, frustrated, perhaps hurt, not supported in the ways he needs.  

There was mention of prior posts to Always Learning, so I went back and saw that the older son has been dissatisfied for a long while:
from July 2012
-=- frustrated that he can't seem to move forward on any of his projects because he can't stop himself from watching. -=-
from April 2013
 -=-gets gripped with fear at night and does much better with me near him-=-
from June 2013
-=-The pattern I notice is that when [the older son] wants to get his way it very often involves not letting [the younger son] get his or controlling his behavior in some way.  -=-
-=-[the older son] is now claiming that we like [the younger son] more and "he always wins".-=-
-=-generally unhappy and says he feels like he is waiting for something to happen or opportunities to be presented to him but doesn't know what.-=-
-=-This causes him much frustration. -=-

There have also been several mentions over the past year and a half of him not liking to go out, and of his desire for 'more'.  

Perhaps he would like to do some of the sparkly outside-the-home things related to his interests, but doesn't know how to make a success of them?  Perhaps he lacks confidence after floundering at school or ...  

It's not a problem when children who are having a lot of fun at home don't want to take time away from their indoor passions to go out.   It's different with a child who's often dissatisfied at home.  Find ways to open doors, not to presume them locked without trying the handle from time to time.  Some of those doors may lead away from frustration, to joy.
 
-=-so I have to be creative with what I can do at home-=-

There is a "have to" in there that is closing off a lot of opportunities - activities outside the home.  Look for ways around obstacles.

Use some of the energy that's been spent "wracking [your] brain" for ways to let fresh air in, to look for things he can be helped to enjoy in the fresh air outside.
:)
Debbie.