New here, looking for help
j_me_russell
I am new to the group, a mama to three amazing kids (sons 6.5 and 4.5, daughter 1.5). We are new to the term unschooling (about a year ago), though have been committed attachment parents from the get go. We tried waldorf inspired "education" for a while at the urging of concerned family members (more to follow) and it made my skin crawl; we had done everything that we thought possible "child led" up until that point, and waldorf felt awful and contrived, and pushed my oldest son away from us.
My oldest is an amazing person (they all are, truly, but I feel the urge to shout it from the rooftops as a counter to what is often public perception of him), and has been rich with emotion and passion from the moment he was born. I share many similar traits, which makes for both an easier and harder time around it for me , as I have to work hard to separate my own feelings and experiences when I am trying to see his perspective. In general, when he is happy he fills a room with his unbridled joy, and when he is angry it is just as palpable.
It had become very clear to me that any sense of control or coersion he sensed from us left him feeling indignant and furious, and my husband and I have been working to remove all of it from our home. It has been a much longer process than I imagined; it is staggering to realize how deeply ingrained these patterns of thought are, and how several sleepless nights or extreme stress leave me shocked and frightened at the urge to just bark out orders.
I am finding it very hard to not be concerned about my son's aggression when dealing with frustration. When I have been able to see my own part in restricting him or trying to manipulate him without realizing it, it has made perfect sense. But those occasions are fewer and farther between, and I am noticing a recent increase in his physical outbursts of anger. Today we had an amazing day; he spent the whole morning working on a computer programming class (that he asked for and chose, and has told me he "can't live without"), then we went to a local homeschool meetup (again, his and his brother's choice). Several times in the day his younger brother ran to me in tears and told me his account of what had happened (each time involving physical aggression on his brother's part), and each time I was able to hold and listen to him until he felt better. I then spent time with both of them together each time, until they clearly felt good about each other again and took off playing within minutes (I was also ataying close to my adventurous toddler, so couldn't give them 100% of my attention). At the end of the afternoon, my oldest ran over with a good friend and asked if she could come home and play with us, to which I happily said yes.
It was such a lovely evening! I was feeling so connected with my kids and their sweet friend, our house was full of laughter. She had to go home, and my son resumed his class before dinner. He became stuck on a bit of programming and asked me for help. I have zero knowledge of using Java, but came and looked at his problem and offered my only thoughts (didn't help). He had been following along a video and I suggested going back to the part where they referred to the particular code he was working on, and he got angry. He raised his voice and told me he would NOT go back, and would only watch videos from where he had left off. I (totally not in any way upset at this point! Genuinely!) began to ask if he wanted to hear why I was suggesting going back, and he threw the headphones off the desk, which were attached to our brand new computer. I caught them and the computer as it almost tipped over, and he screamed and bit me on the arm as hard as he could.
I was shocked, completely, and enraged. I stood up and walked out of the room (his father was there to be with him). I know the obvious pieces of this that are my triggers and issues to work on, and I am doing what I know to do to take care of myself. A big part of what is so troubling are the voices that scream in my head in those moments (and sometimes from my family, who is amazing and often here, but do not understand the way we parent) saying that giving him his desires as often as possible are part of the problem, and that we need to rethink everything.
This is one specific example (I am sorry for the length, but I am genuinely feeling desperate for some fresh insights, and I want to be clear about my experience), but similar outbursts happen at least weekly. I am feeling so very sad and honestly afraid of my inability to help my son. I know that this is not his issue, but my mother (who raised me) suffers from mental illness and had violent outbursts until she was incarcerated for attempted murder 13 years ago. Violence scares me, and I know that that fear clouds my judgement. I would really, really welcome any thoughts that you have. I am done listening to the ideas of those who try to convince me he needs to learn "who is boss". It is unhelpful and insulting, however well meaning they think they are.
Thank you so much,
Jamie
My oldest is an amazing person (they all are, truly, but I feel the urge to shout it from the rooftops as a counter to what is often public perception of him), and has been rich with emotion and passion from the moment he was born. I share many similar traits, which makes for both an easier and harder time around it for me , as I have to work hard to separate my own feelings and experiences when I am trying to see his perspective. In general, when he is happy he fills a room with his unbridled joy, and when he is angry it is just as palpable.
It had become very clear to me that any sense of control or coersion he sensed from us left him feeling indignant and furious, and my husband and I have been working to remove all of it from our home. It has been a much longer process than I imagined; it is staggering to realize how deeply ingrained these patterns of thought are, and how several sleepless nights or extreme stress leave me shocked and frightened at the urge to just bark out orders.
I am finding it very hard to not be concerned about my son's aggression when dealing with frustration. When I have been able to see my own part in restricting him or trying to manipulate him without realizing it, it has made perfect sense. But those occasions are fewer and farther between, and I am noticing a recent increase in his physical outbursts of anger. Today we had an amazing day; he spent the whole morning working on a computer programming class (that he asked for and chose, and has told me he "can't live without"), then we went to a local homeschool meetup (again, his and his brother's choice). Several times in the day his younger brother ran to me in tears and told me his account of what had happened (each time involving physical aggression on his brother's part), and each time I was able to hold and listen to him until he felt better. I then spent time with both of them together each time, until they clearly felt good about each other again and took off playing within minutes (I was also ataying close to my adventurous toddler, so couldn't give them 100% of my attention). At the end of the afternoon, my oldest ran over with a good friend and asked if she could come home and play with us, to which I happily said yes.
It was such a lovely evening! I was feeling so connected with my kids and their sweet friend, our house was full of laughter. She had to go home, and my son resumed his class before dinner. He became stuck on a bit of programming and asked me for help. I have zero knowledge of using Java, but came and looked at his problem and offered my only thoughts (didn't help). He had been following along a video and I suggested going back to the part where they referred to the particular code he was working on, and he got angry. He raised his voice and told me he would NOT go back, and would only watch videos from where he had left off. I (totally not in any way upset at this point! Genuinely!) began to ask if he wanted to hear why I was suggesting going back, and he threw the headphones off the desk, which were attached to our brand new computer. I caught them and the computer as it almost tipped over, and he screamed and bit me on the arm as hard as he could.
I was shocked, completely, and enraged. I stood up and walked out of the room (his father was there to be with him). I know the obvious pieces of this that are my triggers and issues to work on, and I am doing what I know to do to take care of myself. A big part of what is so troubling are the voices that scream in my head in those moments (and sometimes from my family, who is amazing and often here, but do not understand the way we parent) saying that giving him his desires as often as possible are part of the problem, and that we need to rethink everything.
This is one specific example (I am sorry for the length, but I am genuinely feeling desperate for some fresh insights, and I want to be clear about my experience), but similar outbursts happen at least weekly. I am feeling so very sad and honestly afraid of my inability to help my son. I know that this is not his issue, but my mother (who raised me) suffers from mental illness and had violent outbursts until she was incarcerated for attempted murder 13 years ago. Violence scares me, and I know that that fear clouds my judgement. I would really, really welcome any thoughts that you have. I am done listening to the ideas of those who try to convince me he needs to learn "who is boss". It is unhelpful and insulting, however well meaning they think they are.
Thank you so much,
Jamie
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
Sounds to me that you are leaving him alone with his brother when he needs help. Stay close, keep an eye and ear on what is going on.
Redirect before he gets to the point where he is frustrated and lashing out physically. Be his partner.
About your example. THat was a big day. Too much, a tired child ( or even hungry and tired) .
Maybe you could have played some easy games with him? Watched a video together so he could relax?
I know what it is to have a 1.5 year old that needs constant attention but your other kids still need a lot of supervision and mom next to them to help them
navigate frustrations. Be more present.
Redirect before he gets to the point where he is frustrated and lashing out physically. Be his partner.
About your example. THat was a big day. Too much, a tired child ( or even hungry and tired) .
Maybe you could have played some easy games with him? Watched a video together so he could relax?
I know what it is to have a 1.5 year old that needs constant attention but your other kids still need a lot of supervision and mom next to them to help them
navigate frustrations. Be more present.
Alex Polikowsky
Sandra Dodd
-=- She had to go home, and my son resumed his class before dinner. He became stuck on a bit of programming-=-
"Resumed his class" might be too strong a statement. It's too schoolish a statement. He wans't teaching a class. He wasn't in a classroom. He was.... working on a project? Writing code? Naming things carefully will help you see them more clearly.
-=-. Several times in the day his younger brother ran to me in tears and told me his account of what had happened (each time involving physical aggression on his brother's part), and each time I was able to hold and listen to him until he felt better. I then spent time with both of them together each time, until they clearly felt good about each other again-=-
My boys are 2.5 years apart. There's a way I figured out to hear both sides, with them separated, that might work better than hearing one side and then stick them together.
-=-I am done listening to the ideas of those who try to convince me he needs to learn "who is boss". It is unhelpful and insulting, however well meaning they think they are. -=-
Don't "be done" so fast. Someone should be the leader. Someone IS "in charge." You can be as benevolent as you want to be and give your children tons of options, but you can't relinquish "being the boss" to some extent.
-=-I (totally not in any way upset at this point! Genuinely!) began to ask if he wanted to hear why I was suggesting going back...-=-
Biting wasn't good at all, but he had already said no, and you already knew he was frustrated, and he already knew why you wanted him to go back to what he was missing.
Maybe going and getting him a snack or a drink, or putting on cheery music, would've been better for both of you. Maybe next time.
There is not short cut for reading a little, and trying that out, and waiting and seeing how it might change things.
Read a little, try a little, wait a while, watch.
-=- I know that this is not his issue, but my mother (who raised me) suffers from mental illness and had violent outbursts until she was incarcerated for attempted murder 13 years ago. Violence scares me, and I know that that fear clouds my judgement. I would really, really welcome any thoughts that you have.
#1, would school help? If not, then homeschooling is good.
#2, would a curriculum and schedule and rules and tests and grades help? If not, then unschooling is good.
-=-I know that this is not his issue, but -=-
That first phrase should be re-considered (by you, gradually, in private, for weeks or months). You wouldn't have written it if serious thoughts hadn't come into your mind. Untangle it, gradually, while making the moments more pleasant and peaceful.
Sandra
janine davies
I also am fairly new to Unschooling (10mths), your email could be describing my eldest son and myself . We are a radical unschooling family now (same ish back story including steiner...and two amazing sons, the eldest just as you describe yours) alongside Radical unschooling we have also discovered a lady called Simone De Hoogh and POWERWOOD www.powerwood.org.uk
She works with families who have "excitable" children,I dislike labels, this is not a label - we are all excitable in one or more of the human areas i.e.; sensory, motor, emotional etc…but some kids are highly excitable in 4 or 5 areas and she explains this very well and gives help in recognising triggers/cues and ways to help your son and the whole family. I would highly recommend at least reading the home page on her website and contacting her for the free hour chat. Her approach is gentle, VERY unschooling friendly and it has helped our family so much and especially me as it turns out I am a full 'excitable' which has hindered me in my connections with my son when he is angry - as like you I get so emotional and confused, sad , frustrated and angry…. (Narcistic mother who raised me with fear and control and hitting) I too am scared of violence. We came across Simone in september and her work alongside Radical unschooling and especially Sandra Dodd, Pam laccahria & Joyce fetterol writings have changed our lives I really can't recommend her enough, and she is so reasonable with her prices and she Skypes. This way of living, loving and learning is the way forward for these children (all children in my opinion) I regret taking so long to get here…embrace it fully and try not to listen to the voices…I really think simone will help with the continuation of this unschooling journey as forever for your family and will help you with confidence & courage, and deep understanding of your sons frustrations which are his 'excitable' intelligence and not a violence to be scared of.
To: [email protected]
From: love2bike2live@...
Date: Fri, 3 Jan 2014 04:55:44 +0000
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] New here, looking for help
To: [email protected]
From: love2bike2live@...
Date: Fri, 3 Jan 2014 04:55:44 +0000
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] New here, looking for help
I am new to the group, a mama to three amazing kids (sons 6.5 and 4.5, daughter 1.5). We are new to the term unschooling (about a year ago), though have been committed attachment parents from the get go. We tried waldorf inspired "education" for a while at the urging of concerned family members (more to follow) and it made my skin crawl; we had done everything that we thought possible "child led" up until that point, and waldorf felt awful and contrived, and pushed my oldest son away from us.
My oldest is an amazing person (they all are, truly, but I feel the urge to shout it from the rooftops as a counter to what is often public perception of him), and has been rich with emotion and passion from the moment he was born. I share many similar traits, which makes for both an easier and harder time around it for me , as I have to work hard to separate my own feelings and experiences when I am trying to see his perspective. In general, when he is happy he fills a room with his unbridled joy, and when he is angry it is just as palpable.
It had become very clear to me that any sense of control or coersion he sensed from us left him feeling indignant and furious, and my husband and I have been working to remove all of it from our home. It has been a much longer process than I imagined; it is staggering to realize how deeply ingrained these patterns of thought are, and how several sleepless nights or extreme stress leave me shocked and frightened at the urge to just bark out orders.
I am finding it very hard to not be concerned about my son's aggression when dealing with frustration. When I have been able to see my own part in restricting him or trying to manipulate him without realizing it, it has made perfect sense. But those occasions are fewer and farther between, and I am noticing a recent increase in his physical outbursts of anger. Today we had an amazing day; he spent the whole morning working on a computer programming class (that he asked for and chose, and has told me he "can't live without"), then we went to a local homeschool meetup (again, his and his brother's choice). Several times in the day his younger brother ran to me in tears and told me his account of what had happened (each time involving physical aggression on his brother's part), and each time I was able to hold and listen to him until he felt better. I then spent time with both of them together each time, until they clearly felt good about each other again and took off playing within minutes (I was also ataying close to my adventurous toddler, so couldn't give them 100% of my attention). At the end of the afternoon, my oldest ran over with a good friend and asked if she could come home and play with us, to which I happily said yes.
It was such a lovely evening! I was feeling so connected with my kids and their sweet friend, our house was full of laughter. She had to go home, and my son resumed his class before dinner. He became stuck on a bit of programming and asked me for help. I have zero knowledge of using Java, but came and looked at his problem and offered my only thoughts (didn't help). He had been following along a video and I suggested going back to the part where they referred to the particular code he was working on, and he got angry. He raised his voice and told me he would NOT go back, and would only watch videos from where he had left off. I (totally not in any way upset at this point! Genuinely!) began to ask if he wanted to hear why I was suggesting going back, and he threw the headphones off the desk, which were attached to our brand new computer. I caught them and the computer as it almost tipped over, and he screamed and bit me on the arm as hard as he could.
I was shocked, completely, and enraged. I stood up and walked out of the room (his father was there to be with him). I know the obvious pieces of this that are my triggers and issues to work on, and I am doing what I know to do to take care of myself. A big part of what is so troubling are the voices that scream in my head in those moments (and sometimes from my family, who is amazing and often here, but do not understand the way we parent) saying that giving him his desires as often as possible are part of the problem, and that we need to rethink everything.
This is one specific example (I am sorry for the length, but I am genuinely feeling desperate for some fresh insights, and I want to be clear about my experience), but similar outbursts happen at least weekly. I am feeling so very sad and honestly afraid of my inability to help my son. I know that this is not his issue, but my mother (who raised me) suffers from mental illness and had violent outbursts until she was incarcerated for attempted murder 13 years ago. Violence scares me, and I know that that fear clouds my judgement. I would really, really welcome any thoughts that you have. I am done listening to the ideas of those who try to convince me he needs to learn "who is boss". It is unhelpful and insulting, however well meaning they think they are.
Thank you so much,
Jamie
My oldest is an amazing person (they all are, truly, but I feel the urge to shout it from the rooftops as a counter to what is often public perception of him), and has been rich with emotion and passion from the moment he was born. I share many similar traits, which makes for both an easier and harder time around it for me , as I have to work hard to separate my own feelings and experiences when I am trying to see his perspective. In general, when he is happy he fills a room with his unbridled joy, and when he is angry it is just as palpable.
It had become very clear to me that any sense of control or coersion he sensed from us left him feeling indignant and furious, and my husband and I have been working to remove all of it from our home. It has been a much longer process than I imagined; it is staggering to realize how deeply ingrained these patterns of thought are, and how several sleepless nights or extreme stress leave me shocked and frightened at the urge to just bark out orders.
I am finding it very hard to not be concerned about my son's aggression when dealing with frustration. When I have been able to see my own part in restricting him or trying to manipulate him without realizing it, it has made perfect sense. But those occasions are fewer and farther between, and I am noticing a recent increase in his physical outbursts of anger. Today we had an amazing day; he spent the whole morning working on a computer programming class (that he asked for and chose, and has told me he "can't live without"), then we went to a local homeschool meetup (again, his and his brother's choice). Several times in the day his younger brother ran to me in tears and told me his account of what had happened (each time involving physical aggression on his brother's part), and each time I was able to hold and listen to him until he felt better. I then spent time with both of them together each time, until they clearly felt good about each other again and took off playing within minutes (I was also ataying close to my adventurous toddler, so couldn't give them 100% of my attention). At the end of the afternoon, my oldest ran over with a good friend and asked if she could come home and play with us, to which I happily said yes.
It was such a lovely evening! I was feeling so connected with my kids and their sweet friend, our house was full of laughter. She had to go home, and my son resumed his class before dinner. He became stuck on a bit of programming and asked me for help. I have zero knowledge of using Java, but came and looked at his problem and offered my only thoughts (didn't help). He had been following along a video and I suggested going back to the part where they referred to the particular code he was working on, and he got angry. He raised his voice and told me he would NOT go back, and would only watch videos from where he had left off. I (totally not in any way upset at this point! Genuinely!) began to ask if he wanted to hear why I was suggesting going back, and he threw the headphones off the desk, which were attached to our brand new computer. I caught them and the computer as it almost tipped over, and he screamed and bit me on the arm as hard as he could.
I was shocked, completely, and enraged. I stood up and walked out of the room (his father was there to be with him). I know the obvious pieces of this that are my triggers and issues to work on, and I am doing what I know to do to take care of myself. A big part of what is so troubling are the voices that scream in my head in those moments (and sometimes from my family, who is amazing and often here, but do not understand the way we parent) saying that giving him his desires as often as possible are part of the problem, and that we need to rethink everything.
This is one specific example (I am sorry for the length, but I am genuinely feeling desperate for some fresh insights, and I want to be clear about my experience), but similar outbursts happen at least weekly. I am feeling so very sad and honestly afraid of my inability to help my son. I know that this is not his issue, but my mother (who raised me) suffers from mental illness and had violent outbursts until she was incarcerated for attempted murder 13 years ago. Violence scares me, and I know that that fear clouds my judgement. I would really, really welcome any thoughts that you have. I am done listening to the ideas of those who try to convince me he needs to learn "who is boss". It is unhelpful and insulting, however well meaning they think they are.
Thank you so much,
Jamie
Sandra Dodd
-=-She works with families who have "excitable" children,I dislike labels, this is not a label - -=-
What is it then?
How can the therapist claim to work with a certain kind of children without having a name for it? And she DOES have a name for it! And a name like that IS a label. That's what a label is.
-=- it turns out I am a full 'excitable' which has hindered me in my connections...-=-
You're a what? A something, you said. You had a label for yourself there.
-=-and deep understanding of your sons frustrations which are his 'excitable' intelligence and not a violence to be scared of. -=-
HOLD on.... biting as hard as one can bite IS "violence." No question.
Is it " a violence"? What IS "a violence"?
It's not " a violence to be scared of?"
Twisting words and using jargon doesn't change fear. It doesn't erase teeth marks or broken skin.
If a teen or adult bites someone as hard as he can, he's likely going to be arrested and charged with a crime. Assault. Infliction of bodily harm. Maybe worse.
There are MANY adults in prison, some for life, because they are impulsive and they justified their anger and held onto it and called it other things, or just hadn't learned simple tricks like breathing before speaking. They thought it was okay to be the way they were, or they hadn't learned that they had choices, and now they're locked up. They were all children at one time.
Children can grow out of immature reactions. They can use help! They can learn ways to be calmer, gradually, and so can their moms.
Having good reasons to be calmer is part of the basis of unschooling. If children are going to learn, they need to feel safe and peaceful, not needy, not unsettled. That environment is necessary for unschooling to thrive.
Getting to that point very rarely is going to need a therapist. Making a recommendation of a specialist for a label you don't like that's not a label might not be the best starting place. I personally prefer these ready, free resources that will help with all of unschooling and life:
Please, every person reading, be careful to be honest with yourself about terminology. Denial doesn't help.
Sandra
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
<<<<<<<<<<<<we have also discovered a lady called Simone De Hoogh and POWERWOOD www.powerwood.org.uk
She works with families who have "excitable" children,I dislike labels, this is not a label - we are all excitable in one or more of the human areas i.e.; sensory, motor, emotional etc…but some kids are highly excitable in 4 or 5 areas and she explains this very well and
gives help in recognising triggers/cues and ways to help your son and the whole family.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I am glad that it is helping you. I took a quick look at the page above. It is a label. The problem with labeling your child as Over-excitable, or any other label someone created , is that you stop looking at your child as "insert name here" and start looking at your child at my "Over-excitable" child.
The problem is that you start looking at something someone prescribed and it sounds like the parents is checking out a list of "problem "characteristics of their children that need to be dealt and fixed.
Why not look at your child directly, without any lenses or diagnosis someone created or prescribed? Look at what helps your child, pay attention to when they get frustrated, work to be their partner that will help them navigate the world around them in the best way possible to *them* . Look at their needs !
Sure ideas from other parents can be great! I know I have gotten several good ideas from parents here that have helped me with my children.
Things that will help ANY child and family.
Pay attention to your child.
Look directly at your child ( without labels or prescriptions)
Be with your child more.
Be their partner and be the leader when they partnership needs it
Help them navigate the world around them
Fill their needs not what you think they need. Some kids need more touch, or more attention or a parents that is making sure they are getting protein every 2 hours. It is up to the parent to know their child and pay enough attention so their needs are taken care of throughout the day. A hungry child can have a hard time playing, some can lash out. A tired person can feel disconnected and need more down time to recover.
Wonder with your children. Look at the beauty around. Be content. Be sweet. Be joyful. Be excited about what they love.
Listen. Really stop and listen ( I am getting so much better at this and it has made such a huge difference specially for my son! And I have been working hard and reading about unschooling for many years!)
Be available. Really available. You can be there and not be available.
There are more. Some great links to read that will help:
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully
http://sandradodd.com/pam/howto
http://sandradodd.com/screwitup
If you have read those links above read again! I find that even after almost 10 years reading I get different things everytime I reread something great as my kids get older and I am more mindful.
( and the sound file in the first link is awesome!)
Don't label your child or yourself as Full Excited or Over-Excitable or any other lablem It is turning something positive into negative. I love to see my kids excited.
If my kids are lashing out it may be because they are hungry, tired, their needs are not met, they are frustrated, they need more attention, they are feeling out of sorts, not because they have this characteristic of being over-excitable.
They may be trying to get their needs met!
Step in, help them. Learn what helps your individual child. Even that will change as they grow!
When my son was around 6 or so he had a neighbor friend that used to spend a lot of time here with us. They got along really well. There were a couple of times they hit each other. The other kid did it a few times more than my son. They got frustrated and whacked each other with a toy or something.
The other child was not a violent child and went to school. I made a really big effort to be there and not let things get to the point where they lashed out. As they matured that stopped and they were able to just come and tell me if they were aggravated with each other.
I hear from mom who have kids this age and some friends who are school teacher that kids around that age have a higher incident of hitting each other when frustrated.
It is not that they are going to grow up to be adults who attempt murder. Fear and looking at your child with a huge baggage does not help you see what are the needs your child has. Instead of thinking " Oh my gosh my child is going to grow up to be violent like my mom"
Think of what needs that child had that were not fulfilled. What can you do next time to prevent it. How can you be their partner and help them navigate those moments ( but preventing is much better!).
Alex Polikowsky
I am glad that it is helping you. I took a quick look at the page above. It is a label. The problem with labeling your child as Over-excitable, or any other label someone created , is that you stop looking at your child as "insert name here" and start looking at your child at my "Over-excitable" child.
The problem is that you start looking at something someone prescribed and it sounds like the parents is checking out a list of "problem "characteristics of their children that need to be dealt and fixed.
Why not look at your child directly, without any lenses or diagnosis someone created or prescribed? Look at what helps your child, pay attention to when they get frustrated, work to be their partner that will help them navigate the world around them in the best way possible to *them* . Look at their needs !
Sure ideas from other parents can be great! I know I have gotten several good ideas from parents here that have helped me with my children.
Things that will help ANY child and family.
Pay attention to your child.
Look directly at your child ( without labels or prescriptions)
Be with your child more.
Be their partner and be the leader when they partnership needs it
Help them navigate the world around them
Fill their needs not what you think they need. Some kids need more touch, or more attention or a parents that is making sure they are getting protein every 2 hours. It is up to the parent to know their child and pay enough attention so their needs are taken care of throughout the day. A hungry child can have a hard time playing, some can lash out. A tired person can feel disconnected and need more down time to recover.
Wonder with your children. Look at the beauty around. Be content. Be sweet. Be joyful. Be excited about what they love.
Listen. Really stop and listen ( I am getting so much better at this and it has made such a huge difference specially for my son! And I have been working hard and reading about unschooling for many years!)
Be available. Really available. You can be there and not be available.
There are more. Some great links to read that will help:
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully
http://sandradodd.com/pam/howto
http://sandradodd.com/screwitup
If you have read those links above read again! I find that even after almost 10 years reading I get different things everytime I reread something great as my kids get older and I am more mindful.
( and the sound file in the first link is awesome!)
Don't label your child or yourself as Full Excited or Over-Excitable or any other lablem It is turning something positive into negative. I love to see my kids excited.
If my kids are lashing out it may be because they are hungry, tired, their needs are not met, they are frustrated, they need more attention, they are feeling out of sorts, not because they have this characteristic of being over-excitable.
They may be trying to get their needs met!
Step in, help them. Learn what helps your individual child. Even that will change as they grow!
When my son was around 6 or so he had a neighbor friend that used to spend a lot of time here with us. They got along really well. There were a couple of times they hit each other. The other kid did it a few times more than my son. They got frustrated and whacked each other with a toy or something.
The other child was not a violent child and went to school. I made a really big effort to be there and not let things get to the point where they lashed out. As they matured that stopped and they were able to just come and tell me if they were aggravated with each other.
I hear from mom who have kids this age and some friends who are school teacher that kids around that age have a higher incident of hitting each other when frustrated.
It is not that they are going to grow up to be adults who attempt murder. Fear and looking at your child with a huge baggage does not help you see what are the needs your child has. Instead of thinking " Oh my gosh my child is going to grow up to be violent like my mom"
Think of what needs that child had that were not fulfilled. What can you do next time to prevent it. How can you be their partner and help them navigate those moments ( but preventing is much better!).
Alex Polikowsky
Sandra Dodd
-=-Don't label your child or yourself as Full Excited or Over-Excitable or any other lablem It is turning something positive into negative.-=-
Alex wrote that. Here's a link to go with it.
http://sandradodd.com/negativity
-=-If my kids are lashing out it may be because they are hungry, tired, their needs are not met, they are frustrated, they need more attention, they are feeling out of sorts, not because they have this characteristic of being over-excitable.
They may be trying to get their needs met!-=-
They may be indicating to the mother that she is crowding them, pushing them, talking too much.
http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com/2011/08/calm-and-quiet.html
http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com/2013/09/shhhh.html
http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com/2013/12/look-quietly.html
Sandra
Alex wrote that. Here's a link to go with it.
http://sandradodd.com/negativity
-=-If my kids are lashing out it may be because they are hungry, tired, their needs are not met, they are frustrated, they need more attention, they are feeling out of sorts, not because they have this characteristic of being over-excitable.
They may be trying to get their needs met!-=-
They may be indicating to the mother that she is crowding them, pushing them, talking too much.
http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com/2011/08/calm-and-quiet.html
http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com/2013/09/shhhh.html
http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com/2013/12/look-quietly.html
Sandra
j_me_russell
Thanks for the thoughtful replies, everyone. I have much to think about. The articles on peace and anger are just what I was in need of for right now.
My husband and I had a great talk late last night. He told me what happened from his point of view, that he saw our son reacting to a fear that he was going to be coerced, based on past experiences. My son and I talked about it, and he was right. My son has asked me to please try to find someone who might help us come up with more ideas to help him calm his body when he gets very upset; he expressed frustration, guilt, fear and sadness over his loss of control when angry, and told me that he tries so hard but just can't think in those moments. I have tried to help him (in various ways at various times) to breathe when things start to get hard, and I have shared my meditation and yoga practices with him, but he told me it doesn't help for some reason, and he wants more ideas.
Going to keep reading, watching, trying things, waiting.
My husband and I had a great talk late last night. He told me what happened from his point of view, that he saw our son reacting to a fear that he was going to be coerced, based on past experiences. My son and I talked about it, and he was right. My son has asked me to please try to find someone who might help us come up with more ideas to help him calm his body when he gets very upset; he expressed frustration, guilt, fear and sadness over his loss of control when angry, and told me that he tries so hard but just can't think in those moments. I have tried to help him (in various ways at various times) to breathe when things start to get hard, and I have shared my meditation and yoga practices with him, but he told me it doesn't help for some reason, and he wants more ideas.
Going to keep reading, watching, trying things, waiting.
janine davies
''How can the therapist claim to work with a certain kind of children without having a name for it? And she DOES have a name for it! And a name like that IS a label. That's what a label is.''
Its a label. I guess i was just thinking it was a better label than some that have been offered or researched especially when negotiating schooling in the past. All humans have excitabilities to varying degrees its just called being human.Thank you for pointing this out.
'HOLD on.... biting as hard as one can bite IS "violence." No question.
Is it " a violence"? What IS "a violence"?
It's not " a violence to be scared of?"
It was violence. And it is was/is the violence that scares me and my son, and I needed help with this which is why I sought therapy and got a label, and am using jargon to justify violence. I will make full efforts towards choices, listening, peace, and calm so there is less or no violence.
Seeking this help came almost at the same time as discovering unschooling, and as we are at the very start of getting unschooling and the more i read and with this very valuable advice and discussions , and these wonderful resources i am really seeing and believing that unschooling is indeed all that we need, and it seems trite to be saying 'all' we need as it is so huge in turning our lives around.
'Making a recommendation of a specialist for a label you don't like that's not a label might not be the best starting place.'
It was not the best starting place to be recommending a therapist - as you are right the label never settled well with me, and I was in denial.
I think the therapy has helped but I am now totally seeing that as it is all about peace,and making the child feel safe and understood, and finding calm, and the mother looking after herself, there should be no label required and unschooling is the key - I will put all my efforts towards really getting this and really looking listening and helping my child to be calmer and happier and not looking elsewhere or for labels anymore.
I will read the links thank you.
<plaidpanties666@...>
>> I... began to ask if he wanted to hear why I was suggesting going back, and he threw the headphones off the desk<<
Too much talking on your part, too much trying to fix things that weren't fixable. He was frustrated with something you didn't know much about - there wasn't much you Could do to fix things, but you could have commiserated.
My daughter gets very frustrated very quickly when people talk at her. She's not a fan of talking in general, but someone trying to explain when she doesn't want to hear it, or trying to convince her of something annoy the heck out of her. It has helped me a lot to step back from my desire to show her that I'm right, that I Have the answer she's looking for - especially when I Am right and Do have the answer that she's looking for, because if what I'm saying doesn't fit with her assumptions, she won't listen. I can't make her Less frustrated - but I sure can make her a whole lot More frustrated! So I've learned to back down and say "I don't know" and "I'm sorry I can't help" - or just "I'm sorry" when she's feeling especially sensitive. >>Several times in the day his younger brother ran to me in tears and told me his account of what had happened (each time involving physical aggression on his brother's part)<<
Find ways not to leave them alone together - bring one with you, or be where they are. You can't help if you're not there, and they seem to need help of some kind. It may be that your eldest child needs more care and attention than the youngers - that can be baffling and frustrating to a parent. It was for me, when my stepson needed more than my daughter, despite being eight years older. But big needs don't get smaller when you ignore them, they grow a backlog of neediness and stress which can make even small normal things into "last straws".
>> saying that giving him his desires as often as possible are part of the problem, and that we need to rethink everything.<<
If you don't help him get what he wants, do you think he'll be okay with that? He'll magically become meeker and gentler from hearing a lot of No and Don't and Stop? Or, given what you know about him, is it more likely that he'll clamor harder for attention, and lash out more when he doesn't get it?
My stepson had enormous needs for attention and engagement as a young child. When his needs weren't met, he did everything in his power to get them met - which included screaming, kicking, hitting with fists and sticks, breaking things, bruising people. There were days I sat with him face-down over my lap and held him there so I didn't end up with black eyes and a broken nose - seriously. Helping him get what he wanted on a regular basis brought all his needs down to significantly more manageable levels.
Saying No more won't get you less violence, but more of it.
Because people saw the change in Ray from "future serial killer" to "intensely energetic kid" they didn't really question the amount of attention I learned to lavish on him. But when I was just as sensitive to my daughter's needs (vastly different from Ray's) I got a lot of criticism from other adults: she wouldn't be like that if you didn't let her get away with it. With her I learned about communicating without words, because words reeeeeaaaallllly don't work well with her, above and beyond the ways they don't work with most kids.
Part of communicating without words involves stepping back from the idea that you need to change/fix things Right Now and instead seeing that learning takes time - and communication is a Learning process. That's hard when you're faced with a frustrated kid in the moment - you want to help fix things! And if you can help without using words - a touch, a pointing finger, a cup of milk - go for it. Or a few words - less than five. Seriously. But if all you have is a pile of words, bite your tongue. Look and listen some more. Think more deeply about whatever is going on. >>similar outbursts happen at least weekly<<
With an intense kid, once or twice a week isn't all that often. If you think a couple outbursts a week is a lot, then there's your problem - you're expecting waaaaaaaay more than your kid is capable of.
---Meredith
<plaidpanties666@...>
>>ideas to help him calm his body when he gets very upset<<
One of the things I did for Ray was to draw a big star on a piece of posterboard with... I think it was red dots on the inside and green dots on the outside. I suggested he could imagine that every time he breathed in he was bringing in more happy, peaceful "green" energy and breathing out angry, "red" energy. I never actually saw him do it or reminded him, but later he told me it was an idea that stayed with him, that he could breathe and somehow use breathing to become more peaceful inside. So it helped, but not in a direct "he did what I told him" way ;)
>> he tries so hard but just can't think in those moments<<
What helped Ray most when he was younger was doing what I could so that things didn't get to the "not thinking" point - by getting ahead of everything I could. With Ray that meant making sure he was well fed, that his world was as ordered and predictable as I could make it (and I couldn't make it Perfectly orderly and predictable because he was going back and forth to his bio-mom, who was partially homeless at the time), and that he had all the attention he wanted when he was at our home, without needing to wait or ask for it. When I stayed ahead of things, he learned more - he got better at being able to deal with his own stress because he had the chance to learn. When he couldn't think, he couldn't really learn anything of value, only reinforce the idea that he was out of control.
It also helped to notice - out loud - when Ray was successful at being easygoing and peaceful. That helped him to see that he wasn't "out of control" all the time - that there were times he got frustrated and didn't hit anyone or break anything, times he got mad and didn't go into attack mode. He wasn't a failure or a monster, he was a person who sometimes fell apart... but only sometimes. And by becoming aware of the times he didn't fall apart, he was better able to learn from those times - he could learn from successes rather than beating himself up over his failures.
Pam Sorooshian
On Fri, Jan 3, 2014 at 5:18 PM, <plaidpanties666@...> wrote:
>> I... began to ask if he wanted to hear why I was suggesting going back, and he threw the headphones off the desk<<
<<<Too much talking on your part, too much trying to fix things that weren't fixable. He was frustrated with something you didn't know much about - there wasn't much you Could do to fix things, but you could have commiserated. >>>
Yes I agree - as soon as I read the beginning of that sentence I knew where it was going. "I began to ask if he wanted to hear..." blah blah blah.... When he's already frustrated, the best response is for you to have a calm, quietly sympathetic attitude.
This is all a variation of what people do a lot - they think that if the other person understood their point, they'd agree with it. But so often the other person DOES understand that point, but it isn't the one that is relevant to them.
Parents often assume too much. They keep offering logical solutions that they just KNOW are right and would be helpful if only the kid would listen and do what the parent suggests. It is arrogant. Assume your kid is smart enough to realize that he might have missed something and could go back. Don't tell him the obvious. And especially don't repeat it again - and asking him if he wants you to explain it, as if he couldn't figure out why you'd suggest it? That's pretty insulting, right?
Listen a lot more. Be sympathetic but not dramatically so - a few kindly grunts are better than a bunch of words like I hear sometimes from parents: "Oh, I know. This is terrible. I hear how frustrated you are. This is so awful. Yes, this feels like a tragedy to you, I understand how bad you feel." And so on.
Just try a slightly casual, "Oh. That kinda sucks, huh?" And then if he freaks out and is yelling and stuff - be there to keep him and his surroundings safe, but there is NO point in trying to talk logically then. Later, you might bring it up and see if he's willing to talk about what happened and then, if he's up for it, you can talk about triggers and what it feels like when those explosive feelings start up and how to head them off, etc. Mostly, though, it seems like you could make the environment less stressful by doing a bit less, having a bit more calm time. Try to build in nonstressful stuff alternating with more stressful stuff throughout the day. This requires you to be aware of what things are more stressful and which are less stressful for him.
You might get a lot out of reading Ross Greene's book, "The Explosive Child."
Pam
Sandra Dodd
-=-My husband and I had a great talk late last night. He told me what happened from his point of view, that he saw our son reacting to a fear that he was going to be coerced, based on past experiences. My son and I talked about it, and he was right. My son has asked me to please try to find someone who might help us come up with more ideas to help him calm his body when he gets very upset; he expressed frustration, guilt, fear and sadness over his loss of control when angry, and told me that he tries so hard but just can't think in those moments. I have tried to help him (in various ways at various times) to breathe when things start to get hard, and I have shared my meditation and yoga practices with him, but he told me it doesn't help for some reason, and he wants more ideas. -=-
As you become more trustworthy (IF you become more trustworthy), the environment will be different and it will be easier for him to breathe and think.
Sandra
Sandra Dodd
-=-I think the therapy has helped-=-
That's good!
What helps is a good thing for you.
-=- but I am now totally seeing that as it is all about peace,and making the child feel safe and understood, and finding calm, and the mother looking after herself, -=-
Slight warning about "the mother looking after herself." Yes. But not to the extent some moms imagine. Not a week at the spa. Finding gratitude and abundance and ways to be a more patient mom will help.
-=-...there should be no label required and unschooling is the key -=-
It might be a key. :-) One, but not the only one.
-=- I will put all my efforts towards really getting this and really looking listening and helping my child to be calmer and happier and not looking elsewhere or for labels anymore.-=-
I hope unschooling will be full of helpful ideas for your family. Looking around at other things for comparison isn't terrible. Bringing all those recommendations to this discussion isn't as good. :-)
Always Learning isn't intended to be a discussion of everything in the world—just of unschooling. :-) But there *are* other things in the world, and it helps for people to choose from a range of things they've looked at and considered.
It's another "make the better choice" situation. :-)
Sandra
That's good!
What helps is a good thing for you.
-=- but I am now totally seeing that as it is all about peace,and making the child feel safe and understood, and finding calm, and the mother looking after herself, -=-
Slight warning about "the mother looking after herself." Yes. But not to the extent some moms imagine. Not a week at the spa. Finding gratitude and abundance and ways to be a more patient mom will help.
-=-...there should be no label required and unschooling is the key -=-
It might be a key. :-) One, but not the only one.
-=- I will put all my efforts towards really getting this and really looking listening and helping my child to be calmer and happier and not looking elsewhere or for labels anymore.-=-
I hope unschooling will be full of helpful ideas for your family. Looking around at other things for comparison isn't terrible. Bringing all those recommendations to this discussion isn't as good. :-)
Always Learning isn't intended to be a discussion of everything in the world—just of unschooling. :-) But there *are* other things in the world, and it helps for people to choose from a range of things they've looked at and considered.
It's another "make the better choice" situation. :-)
Sandra
janine davies
I am very grateful for this advice and your thoughts and words.
> > It might be a key. :-) One, but not the only one.
>
> Slight warning about "the mother looking after herself." Yes. But not to the extent some moms imagine. Not a week at the spa. Finding gratitude and abundance and ways to be a more patient mom will help.
> > It might be a key. :-) One, but not the only one.
>
I have read your writings on abundance & gratitude and as a practising Nicheren Buddhist these thoughts are exactly what we are encouraged to include in our chanting daily - ten minutes chanting far outweighs a day at a spa and I am very grateful to have found this too which is of course another key!
> I hope unschooling will be full of helpful ideas for your family. Looking around at other things for comparison isn't terrible. Bringing all those recommendations to this discussion isn't as good. :-)
>
>
I will still be looking around I'm sure - as a curious person I would find it hard not too, but I won't be so quick to bring them here unless it is to do with and helpful for unschooling specifically.
> Always Learning isn't intended to be a discussion of everything in the world—just of unschooling. :-) But there *are* other things in the world, and it helps for people to choose from a range of things they've looked at and considered.
>
>
I have read the book Pam recommended "The explosive child' and have his latest 5th edition on order - this helped too.
I am reading 'moving a puddle' at the moment and it is really helping thank you.
(My partner was in 'Cats' for 2 yrs but not when you & Holly saw it , but many of our friends were. I read to him what you wrote about the show and he really smiled a big smile and was very touched by your words.)
janine davies
>Listen a lot more. Be sympathetic but not dramatically so - a few kindly grunts are better than a bunch of words like I hear sometimes from parents: "Oh, I know. This is terrible. I hear how frustrated you are. This is so awful. Yes, this feels like a tragedy to you, I understand how bad you feel." And so on.<
Thank you for these simple but so effective and timely reminders - listen much more , stop talking so much, and create a less stressful environment. All of these I have let slip over this festive season and things have escalated as a result.
To: [email protected]
From: pamsoroosh@...
Date: Fri, 3 Jan 2014 17:55:46 -0800
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] RE: New here, looking for help
To: [email protected]
From: pamsoroosh@...
Date: Fri, 3 Jan 2014 17:55:46 -0800
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] RE: New here, looking for help
On Fri, Jan 3, 2014 at 5:18 PM, <plaidpanties666@...> wrote:
>> I... began to ask if he wanted to hear why I was suggesting going back, and he threw the headphones off the desk<<
<<<Too much talking on your part, too much trying to fix things that weren't fixable. He was frustrated with something you didn't know much about - there wasn't much you Could do to fix things, but you could have commiserated. >>>
Yes I agree - as soon as I read the beginning of that sentence I knew where it was going. "I began to ask if he wanted to hear..." blah blah blah.... When he's already frustrated, the best response is for you to have a calm, quietly sympathetic attitude.
This is all a variation of what people do a lot - they think that if the other person understood their point, they'd agree with it. But so often the other person DOES understand that point, but it isn't the one that is relevant to them.
Parents often assume too much. They keep offering logical solutions that they just KNOW are right and would be helpful if only the kid would listen and do what the parent suggests. It is arrogant. Assume your kid is smart enough to realize that he might have missed something and could go back. Don't tell him the obvious. And especially don't repeat it again - and asking him if he wants you to explain it, as if he couldn't figure out why you'd suggest it? That's pretty insulting, right?
Listen a lot more. Be sympathetic but not dramatically so - a few kindly grunts are better than a bunch of words like I hear sometimes from parents: "Oh, I know. This is terrible. I hear how frustrated you are. This is so awful. Yes, this feels like a tragedy to you, I understand how bad you feel." And so on.
Just try a slightly casual, "Oh. That kinda sucks, huh?" And then if he freaks out and is yelling and stuff - be there to keep him and his surroundings safe, but there is NO point in trying to talk logically then. Later, you might bring it up and see if he's willing to talk about what happened and then, if he's up for it, you can talk about triggers and what it feels like when those explosive feelings start up and how to head them off, etc. Mostly, though, it seems like you could make the environment less stressful by doing a bit less, having a bit more calm time. Try to build in nonstressful stuff alternating with more stressful stuff throughout the day. This requires you to be aware of what things are more stressful and which are less stressful for him.
You might get a lot out of reading Ross Greene's book, "The Explosive Child."
Pam
j_me_russell
I learned a lot last night when my son got stuck on a bit of programming again. He had become stuck earlier in the day, and was very angry, but then we spent some good time outside, playing hard and laughing, and had a very fun and connected afternoon. When we returned home he wanted to work on it some more, and my husband sat in the room with him just watching what he was doing. He came into the kitchen (where I was getting food for his tired baby sister) and told me repeatedly that he couldn't do it, he couldn't figure it out. I tried to say very little, but each time gave him a big hug and told him how much I love him. Each time he would snuggle in a bit, and then run off to try again.
After a bit, he came into the dining room where I was with his brother and sister, and asked me to please come and help him. I said that I was happy to help, and I asked him to please tell me if I did or said anything unhelpful so that I could stop before I frustrated him. My husband came to put our toddler to bed and I sat next to him while he worked on the computer.
I just watched and listened, rubbed his back now and then, and he told me everything he was doing and why. He wanted to watch the whole troubleshooting video with me, and he paused it at a point with about 10 "clues" for values that he needed to change in a section of code. He went through and looked up all the answers, and said it was hard to remember all of them and get them all input where they needed to be. I offered to write down the values as they came up, and he got so excited! He told me that would be so helpful, and thanked me enthusiastically.
Long story short, when he wasn't trying so hard to remember all of these different numbers he easily figured out what was stumping him before. It was such a great lesson for me, just being with him, loving him, and waiting to see if there was anything that I could do for him that would truly be helpful.
After a bit, he came into the dining room where I was with his brother and sister, and asked me to please come and help him. I said that I was happy to help, and I asked him to please tell me if I did or said anything unhelpful so that I could stop before I frustrated him. My husband came to put our toddler to bed and I sat next to him while he worked on the computer.
I just watched and listened, rubbed his back now and then, and he told me everything he was doing and why. He wanted to watch the whole troubleshooting video with me, and he paused it at a point with about 10 "clues" for values that he needed to change in a section of code. He went through and looked up all the answers, and said it was hard to remember all of them and get them all input where they needed to be. I offered to write down the values as they came up, and he got so excited! He told me that would be so helpful, and thanked me enthusiastically.
Long story short, when he wasn't trying so hard to remember all of these different numbers he easily figured out what was stumping him before. It was such a great lesson for me, just being with him, loving him, and waiting to see if there was anything that I could do for him that would truly be helpful.
janine davies
Thank you for sharing this, its been so inspiring and clearly shown that the closeness, listening (really listening), being with him and loving him is what he needed. As a family we have been distracted lately by the festive season, info from different sources, and not doing our calming and grounding things (yoga, chanting) as much, it escalated the night before you posted your first email on this and I came on here with a still muddied and unclear head which has now lead to so much clarity so I am glad I did. With the words from Sandra, Pam,you, and all who wrote on this - we are now clearer, calmer and doing the same with our sons - yesterday was a fun and connected day here too (not just part of it ,as we have been doing ,which is now clear) and my aim is for this to be every day. It was simple connectedness - watching cartoons together, tickles whilst my son was in a sleeping bag which led on to watching Houdini clips on you tube, making wooden guns after all playing Battle field 4 together and dad & lad going to see 'The Hobbit' together, while I and my youngest stayed home in PJs & watched more spongebob. My son negotiated 2 potential frustrations ,which had the possibility to escalate, really well and quickly and with humour - a sure sign to us that he felt safe and very loved so therefore able to deal with his rising emotions better. From this I see really clearly that to listen more, stop talking so much , and be there fully is what my sons need and our family needs. So with that I am reading & writing less from now on and more as Sandra's mantra states with the read a little, try a little….and really focusing on them and getting unschooling deep into our lives for life.Thank you again.
To: [email protected]
From: love2bike2live@...
Date: Sat, 4 Jan 2014 17:14:59 +0000
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Re: New here, looking for help
To: [email protected]
From: love2bike2live@...
Date: Sat, 4 Jan 2014 17:14:59 +0000
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Re: New here, looking for help
I learned a lot last night when my son got stuck on a bit of programming again. He had become stuck earlier in the day, and was very angry, but then we spent some good time outside, playing hard and laughing, and had a very fun and connected afternoon. When we returned home he wanted to work on it some more, and my husband sat in the room with him just watching what he was doing. He came into the kitchen (where I was getting food for his tired baby sister) and told me repeatedly that he couldn't do it, he couldn't figure it out. I tried to say very little, but each time gave him a big hug and told him how much I love him. Each time he would snuggle in a bit, and then run off to try again.
After a bit, he came into the dining room where I was with his brother and sister, and asked me to please come and help him. I said that I was happy to help, and I asked him to please tell me if I did or said anything unhelpful so that I could stop before I frustrated him. My husband came to put our toddler to bed and I sat next to him while he worked on the computer.
I just watched and listened, rubbed his back now and then, and he told me everything he was doing and why. He wanted to watch the whole troubleshooting video with me, and he paused it at a point with about 10 "clues" for values that he needed to change in a section of code. He went through and looked up all the answers, and said it was hard to remember all of them and get them all input where they needed to be. I offered to write down the values as they came up, and he got so excited! He told me that would be so helpful, and thanked me enthusiastically.
Long story short, when he wasn't trying so hard to remember all of these different numbers he easily figured out what was stumping him before. It was such a great lesson for me, just being with him, loving him, and waiting to see if there was anything that I could do for him that would truly be helpful.
After a bit, he came into the dining room where I was with his brother and sister, and asked me to please come and help him. I said that I was happy to help, and I asked him to please tell me if I did or said anything unhelpful so that I could stop before I frustrated him. My husband came to put our toddler to bed and I sat next to him while he worked on the computer.
I just watched and listened, rubbed his back now and then, and he told me everything he was doing and why. He wanted to watch the whole troubleshooting video with me, and he paused it at a point with about 10 "clues" for values that he needed to change in a section of code. He went through and looked up all the answers, and said it was hard to remember all of them and get them all input where they needed to be. I offered to write down the values as they came up, and he got so excited! He told me that would be so helpful, and thanked me enthusiastically.
Long story short, when he wasn't trying so hard to remember all of these different numbers he easily figured out what was stumping him before. It was such a great lesson for me, just being with him, loving him, and waiting to see if there was anything that I could do for him that would truly be helpful.