It's easy for a mom to say things without really hearing what she's saying. Please be aware of your thoughts as often as you can be, and don't say things to your children that are spoken without real consideration. For example:
Fussing and Fighting
-=-My boys fuss and fight about playing video games,-=-
The phrase "fuss and fight" has probably been handed down for generations in your family. It's not the sort of heirloom to keep and use.If you think of it another way, you might feel better right away. They're having a hard time negotiating. They need help maintaining the peace.
"The world doesn't revolve around you."
I had a penny for every time heard "the world doesn't revolve around you" from both of my parents, I would be an independently rich woman. —Dina M.
"If you give them an inch they'll take a mile."
"My mother brought us up with the parenting motto (loudly and regularly stated) that 'if you give them an inch they take a mile.' ...[W]e kids rarely asked for things but she would still triumphantly point at another whining child as 'proof' that her methods were correct." —Alison/almadoing
"not cater to his every whim...
"Of course, I'm assuming that you will drive him in for classes and the occasional social event, but not cater to his every whim about driving him any more than you would for your 13 yo." (AlwaysLearning list, August 2010; post returned, phrase saved)
" I am available plenty for my kids but cannot be at their beck and call." (facebook, unschooling page, 8/9/11) That's a negative way to see kids' needs, or their desire to be parented. "Beck and call" is a VERY old phrase, and has to do with servants, who were expected to be close enough for someone to beckon them over. But that phrase has only existed as part of a rejection, a put-down, for at least 100 years.
Parents SHOULD be at a child's beck and call, probably, especially when the children are younger. The difference between attachment parenting and "cry it out" methods is that attachment parents know as soon as the child needs something, and cry-it-out parents hear the call, but choose not to respond.
"I'm not a short order cook."
"As a member of this family, it's enough for me to make one meal, I am not a short-order cook."(unschooling.info 3/19/06)
"That will spoil your appetite."
Ren says "The point of eating is to spoil your appetite."
I think what people meant, at one time, is "if you eat now, you won't be so hungry at mealtime that we can train you with food, like a dog. If you're not hungry, we can't threaten to withhold the rest of your dinner if you won't hold your fork right, or sit still, or chew the way we tell you to. If you eat when you want to, we aren't controlling your bodily functions as we would like to." Now people might speak the phrase without thinking all those meanings, but there is something in the statement "it will spoil your appetite" that makes "appetite" more important than the child.
| Sheesh, I get so sick of all those clichés...all teens will rebel, "you're
spoiling your kids," kids need lots of structure... What would be a better gift to our kids,...the aching urge to break free from the nest because theyr'e so confined and disciplined at home, or lots of freedom NOW so that that home is not something they want to push away. I don't know about all of you, but I want my kids to take their time leaving...my rejection of another hateful cliché that kids should be pushed out on their 18th birthday...phooey. Nancy (CelticFrau)
Language and the way it is applied is fascinating, isn't it? We frequently hear children / people being described as: * immersed in a bookbut when it comes to tv, computer games, PlayStation games etc., so many people start using words like 'mesmerizing' and 'zombified'. The difference is not in the behaviour of the doer, the difference is in the observer's perception of the value of the activity. And that is where the real problem lies. Cally Joyce has a page called "I do respect my kids," and it has a *long* list of "momisms." |
"I'm not your slave."
[Not a direct quote from something recent, but I heard it when I was little.]
Someone wrote:Related phrases:Unschooling doesn't mean that you are a slave to your children.Deb Lewis responded:One thing I've seen really help people move in the direction of unschooling is a deliberate and thoughtful change in the way they think about and talk about their children.I think we very often repeat things we've heard without fully considering them. They might seem to make sense on some level (usually the level of our wounded-in-childhood selves) so we hold onto them and reuse them but haven't really thought about them. I think the phrase "slave to your children" is one of those things. —Deb Lewis, quoted at Joyce's page
"I'm not your servant."
"Who do you think you are?"
and value of service.
"They simply expect to have everything handed to them on a silver platter..."
(letter to Joyce Fetteroll, to which she responded at the bottom of this linked page).
Joyce, to someone who said her son was Lazy.
Someone wrote:
In the past my kids have tended to expect to be waited on hand and foot.
If you use phrases like "to be waited on hand and foot," you're quoting other people. That usually means the other person's voice is in your head, shaming you. Or it means you've adopted some anti-kid attitudes without really examining them. If you're having a feeling, translate it into your own words. It's a little freaky how people can channel their parents and grandparents by going on automatic and letting those archaic phrases flow through us. Anything you haven't personally examined in the light of your current beliefs shouldn't be uttered, in my opinion. Anything I can't say in my own words hasn't really been internalized by me. As long as I'm simply quoting others, I can bypass conscious, careful thought.
"If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."
If moms aren't happy helping their children find happiness, there isn't going to BE any happiness. Discussion and links are here.
"All things in moderation."
Leah Rose wrote:
I've been thinking about that saying "All things in moderation." Next time someone says it to me, I think I might just ask them: "Do you mean we should have joy in moderation? Should we have peace in moderation? Kindness in moderation? Patience in moderation? Forgiveness? Compassion? Humility?"Honestly, I used to think it sounded like a very wise and balanced philosophy. Now, the more I think about it the less sense it makes.
This was written of one-year-olds in high chairs:
"They are manipulative by nature and we need to teach them we are not their puppet."
Not a face-to-face put-down, but an attitude of antagonism and resentment. And a sad atmosphere for that poor sweet child who is about to learn that his mother isn't very nice, nor very aware of child development.
Sandra Dodd:
My grandmother (granny/maternal) had another one. A rhyming phrase meaning "serves you right":"That'll learn ya, durn ya."
It also rhymes in third person. "That'll learn him, durn 'im."
Sometimes it was said in a friendly, almost affectionate way, but just because it was one of the nicest put-down phrases I remember her using, that didn't keep it from being a put-down phrase. It meant "You got what you deserve," or "he had it comin' to him."
"I want my children to finish what they start."
People Do say that without thinking of all the horrible, harmful things they don't want their children to finish. more on finishing what we start
Sometimes a mom says she's not going to resort to bribery.
It's not her phrase. It means kids should do what they're told (or asked) without any promises, reward, or negotiation.
How do places of business get people to go to work without "bribery"?
How do you get an auto dealer to give you a car without bribery?
The false charge of "bribery"
Mentioned on that same page:
Then we can come up against another phrase spoken for generations, and that is "I don't owe you anything," which has been spoken by parents to children for a long time, but it's harsh and mean, and in these days of choice, and in the light of compassion, it's just not even true.
If you want to hear the following lists read by Sandra and Ren in careful imitation of the tone of voice in which they were delivered, you can hear it online at the bottom of this page: http://sandradodd.com/rentalk
Ren Allen and I did a talk at the Live and Learn Conference in St. Louis in 2005, and these are some of the things we quoted that were painful childhood memories:
Sandra's:
PUT that down right now.Ren's:
Don't touch that.
You ask too many questions.
Shut up.
You’re not hungry. You don’t know what hungry is.
Do you want a spanking?
[W. Texas accent required:] If you don’t stop that crying, I’m gonna give you something to cry about.
Shut up, you little brat.
You're book-smart, but you've got no common sense.
You’ve never been hungry a day in your life.
You've got so much potential, you're just not living up to it.
You're going to eat that for breakfast if you don't finish it right now.
You're all being a bunch of vultures (six hungry kids scarfing down meals)
It's your choice, but we'll be SO disappointed in you if......(fill in the blanks)
This is for adults only now, you kids go play somewhere else.