Breathing

edited version of a chat from March 8, 2010

Sandra Dodd: And when I did a workshop last fall I had a list of things to read during shallow breathing, so I though maybe you could help me make a list for today. I gave those notes away in San Diego.

Sandra Dodd: It was stuff like

Sandra Dodd: That's dumb

Sandra Dodd: This sucks.

Sandra Dodd: Two-beat phrases.

Sandra Dodd: I'm mad

Sandra Dodd: life's hard

Jenny: Chamille says breathing doesn't help, but the last time she was upset and crying and I hugged her, I could feel her breathing calming down and when she broke away from the hug, it was right after a huge intake of breath and release

Sandra Dodd: People are Stupid.

Sandra Dodd: And I had about 20 of those.

Sandra Dodd: I'll make a list on paper. I'm liking having paper next to the computer these days.

Jenny: why did they say things like that?

Alex: Gigi will say to me: Lets take a deep breath!

Jill P: what are those words/ that list for? things that make people hold their breath?

Libby: my son has aspergers so breathing is very hard to do around here

Sandra Dodd: I said those things during shallow breathing, short, shallow breaths so everyone in the room could get cranky

Sandra Dodd: Libby, YOU could breathe.

Jill P: Why would someone having aspeberger's make breathing hard for others?

Libby: my son has a hard time breathing when he is angry

Jill P: don't we all.

Libby: he often throws punches and bites and has a hard time communicating his feeling

Alex: than you do it so you can be as calm, peaceful and present as possible

Libby: so when he has a tantrum like that it is so hard to calm him down and just breath

Jill P: Like Sandra said, you breathe. it helps.

Alex: How do you handle it
Do you keep your calm?

Libby: easier said than done but yes when i stay calm he doesn'ft escalate
: normally do keep my calm
but sometimes i do not

Sandra Dodd: Then we can help you get and stay calmer, maybe.

Rebecca Allen:When Quinn is having an explosive moment or two, it's hard to talk with her or reason with her, but as she naturally begins to calm down THEN I've talked to her about breathing.

Jill P: Jenny, when Addi is like what you describe Camille above. When I hold her, I know she can feel my breathing, and I feel her start to calm.

Alex: than you take a deep breath if you can't keep calm

Rebecca Allen:Now she sometimes talks about breathing when she is getting upset.

Libby: do you tell a child the way they are acting is wrong?

Jenny: Isn't that interesting Jill? I intentionally breath calmer and send it her way during a long hug

Sandra Dodd: Depends if it's wrong.

Libby: well the hitting and screaming

Jill P: Same here, Jenny.

Sandra Dodd: Parents can go too far toward saying behavior is wrong, and they can go too far toward accepting any and all behavior.

Libby: he likes to tell everyone he hates them
or his big saying is "i cant take it anymore"

Jenny: so when Chamille says breathing doesn't help, I just say to myself, sure ok if you say so and then help her breath. I figure one day she'll realize she's been doing it all along

Sandra Dodd: Does he "like" that? Or are people really bugging him and he hasn't been assisted to find another thing to say or do?

Libby: im usually the person bugging him
or his dad

Sandra Dodd: Jenny, if one of my kids said "Breathing doesn't help" I'd probably say "prove it" or "then stop breathing"--partly for humor, and partly because it DOES help.

Sandra Dodd: Well that's easy, Libby. Stop bugging him!

Libby: haha

Jill P: So Libby, you can do two things....stop bugging him, and start breathing.

Alex: Sometimes when Gigi is mad she likes to say she hates me. I ignore that and just connect and stay calm. Once she calms down she says she loves me.

Jill P: I love breathing....it clears my mind, calms me down, makes my muscles work better....

Libby: but me being alive bugs him
if i look at him in a away he does not like it bugs him

Jill P: Sandra, can you tell more of your breathing workshop.

Alex: Does he say that when he is calm, Libby?

Libby: yes

Alex: have you asked why?
is it because you bug him all the time?

Libby: yes and he won't answer

Natalijoi: I'm a non-breather.
I have a bad temper, I don't mean to, it's been a really all my life struggle

Sandra Dodd: Natalijoi, I can go a whole day without one single really deep calming breath!

Sandra Dodd: How old is he

Libby: he is 5. I have an 11 year old son who has Asperger's

Natalijoi: me too, Sandra, I just forget to stop

Jill P: Really, Sandra? what are you like on those days?

Sandra Dodd: First I made people mad with words and breaths; then I helped them calm down. Then I made them mad without breaths and then I helped them calm down (they already knew how)

Sandra Dodd: Jill... just busy and I forget.
It's the bad days when I remember. The "good" or neutral days, sometimes I just forget.

Sandra Dodd: Natalijoi, you don't have to stop to breathe.

Libby: i think i need to take a chill pill honestly

Sandra Dodd: I'm about to give you a chill pill,

Natalijoi: he has mostly been unschooled, but for 3 months of kindergarten, and unschooling has allowed him to "grow out" of a lot of his issues

Libby: good

Sandra Dodd: You guys want to do one?

Natalijoi: yes!

Sandra Dodd: put your hands in your laps or somewhere. I want to be the only one typing.
It's okay if someone else comes in.


And don't breathe deeply.
Keep your breath mostly in your throat, just barely in and barely out, and about a second long.
I'll try to post these as fast as you can breathe in and out, just in a little, out a little, just enough to stay alive.

  • That's dumb.
  • this sucks
  • i'm mad
  • life's hard
  • people are stupid
  • dumb cat
  • ugly car
  • stupid neighbor
  • crappy weather
  • bullSHIT
  • godDAMN
  • stupid toaster
  • dip wads
  • disgusting

Sandra Dodd: Now breathe out not in.
WAY out.
Way out and when you're empty huff a little more out
like an empty sack
and then fill it up,
one deep breath as big as you can
and hold it and top it off with one more huff in.

Jill P: Gah, that gave me a headache, ish.

Sandra Dodd: then let that out slowly
all out
huff it out
wait
in, slower, top it off, wait
out, slower, huff out the last of it, wait

Sandra Dodd: So Jill got a gah headacheish.
Anyone else get any effects?
If you didn't do it now, maybe try it later.

Libby: im spinning
and laffing

Sandra Dodd: Make up your own list of short negative little "defamations"

Natalijoi: yeah, sort of dizzy and giggly

Sandra Dodd: it's EASY to get pissed off and stay pissed off.

Schuyler: Linnaea and I did it, I felt a difference

Sandra Dodd: But the good news is that it's easy to get calm and stay calm!

Sandra Dodd: But the good news is that it's easy to get calm and stay calm!

Schuyler: Linnaea said she felt a bit of a difference

Rebecca Allen: Quinn is putting her hands on my tummy and telling me to breathe!

Sandra Dodd: The end. The workshop is finished.

Schuyler: There may have been a bit of lag...

Libby: im gonna do this with my kids

Darcel: I can barely breathe as it is, but that's because I'm pregnant :) I'll have to try that one later

Sandra Dodd: On the breathing, if you can do ten of them, by the tenth the breaths will probably be almost twice as long as the first long breath.

Sandra Dodd: Pregnant ladies do better on their backs

Jill P: lol, Darcel, I remember that.

Sandra Dodd: knees up, maybe

Natalijoi: I watched a Penn and Teller about anger management last week, they had a researcher on that talked about the "venting" therapy perpetuating anger and violence

Sandra Dodd: I've read that lately too, Natalijoi. In the 60's and 70's there was therapy involving screaming and beating pillows and fighting with foam bats and stuff.

Libby: so say im getting angry at one of my kids (probably for something not worth getting mad about) should i just walk away and do this breathing?

Natalijoi: like, punching a pillow makes you more angry, and so, I've been thinking a lot about how *not* to vent, because that's what I usually do!

Natalijoi: yes, Libby!

Sandra Dodd: But it seems much better to let the adrenaline go than to build it up and let it go in a violent way that at the very least will hurt your throat.

Sandra Dodd: Libby, you don't need to walk away.

Natalijoi: right

Sandra Dodd: Just let your breath out, and don't breath back in right away, empty out.
You can't talk without any air in you.
That will seem like five seconds, if you're full of adrenaline. But it will be one second or less.

Natalijoi:

Sandra Dodd: Then your body will naturally fill back up, whether you want it to or not.
And the breath you breathe in will be all new oxygen. Not that dirty used adrenaline cloud you had built up before that.

Rebecca Allen: I think that scream therapy was more about releasing that built up anger from trauma or earlier life, rather than venting about everyday gripes and staying grumpy.

Sandra Dodd: John Lennon wrote all about it, and screamed on albums I bought.
(scream therapy, I mean)

Natalijoi: the experiment was, they pissed people off, and then gave half a pillow to punch, and half just sat there

Sandra Dodd: It was about getting mad and accepting anger. Expressing anger. And feeling good about expressing anger. (And in John Lennon's case, making another million dollars off of people paying to hear him express his anger.)

Sandra Dodd: So the adrenaline will start to dissipate (or whatever all biochemicals being frustrated and angry have built up in you; many of them aren't even really named or identified yet, I hear—brain chemistry is something our grandkids will know way more about than experts even know now).

SusanMay15: I was feeling really overwhelmed the other day and I just sat on the couch with my head in my hands and breathed for a few minutes with my eyes closed

Sandra Dodd: It might not totally dissipate in one breath; it might take three.

Natalijoi: the half that punched the pillow had higher blood pressure, bigger, louder, more negative responses, and then there was a fill in the blank work sheet, and the pillow punchers wrote violent awful things

SusanMay15: Marisol asked what I was doing and I said resting... she accepted that, and in a very short time I felt much better and able to focus on her and her brother

Sandra Dodd: That's cool, Natalijoi!!
But the decisions I make as a mom after one deep breath are better than if I decide while I'm pissed. And after two breaths, better still.

Libby: ive been doing a lot of crying and wondering what i am doing wrong

Jill P: ((afk for a few, need to help Luke....breath))

Sandra Dodd: One thing I said in the workshop in San Diego was that probably there were a LOT of people in prison for life who wouldn't be if they had known they could let all their breath out, breath back in, hold it...
And there are parents who swat their kids, or yell at them, or tell them something the kid might remember for life, when they could have breathed out, huffed out the rest, breathed in a deep breath...
Maybe you could time yourself sometime about how long breaths are when you're angry. And that has to do with heartbeat, too.

Libby: i have been that parent and want to change

Sandra Dodd: In the mid 1960's in Time or Newsweek there was an article about Yogis in India who could slow down their own heartbeat.

Libby: but i feel like ive done so much damage that i cant move on and be a better person
it seems impossible

Sandra Dodd: Letters came back the next week, and an editorial that said that it was NONsense, that everyone knew that heartbeat was an involuntary bodily function. Because in school, we were made to learn voluntary and involuntary functions.
But because of those terms, people thought it was all or nothing. That if one's body could do that during sleep or in a coma, that they had NO control over it at all.

Natalijoi: Sandra, what do you think about past trauma and anger? I think that I have all kinds of unsettling stuff that creeps up on me when I'm upset or overwhelmed
sometimes I feel like anger is an involuntary function!

Libby: same here natalijoi

Sandra Dodd: So that was funny, that in India it was simple everyday knowledge, and in the U.S. people were saying it was a damned lie.

Chris: I remember learning that in school and being confused when I heard otherwise, but I knew I could affect my heartrate.

Sandra Dodd: Natalijoi, each parent needs to clean up her own childhood unhappiness.

Robin: We can even change our brain waves, not just our breathing.

Sandra Dodd: Either self-help, personal work or therapy, but unless you can get yourself whole, how can your child have a whole and healthy mom? If each time the unsettling stuff comes up you untangle just a little bit of it, it will be a little more untangled.

Robin: And brain waves can affect our breathing, too. And vice versa.

Chris: Libby, the way to move on is to start being a better person—the very next opportunity you have

Sandra Dodd: Libby, Chris is right. Each moment is a new moment. This is important: http://sandradodd.com/moment

Natalijoi: I agree about the past, but we all ( my family) are still grieving the death of a child in our home a year ago, and I think that's a big part of the short temper virus

Sandra Dodd: this might help you feel better too: http://sandradodd.com/screwitup

Sandra Dodd: It might make you laugh. It probably won't make you cry.

Sandra Dodd: Natalijoi, you still have choices each moment.

Rebecca Allen: When I start thinking terrible things like "impossible," I try to catch myself and simply not believe my thoughts. Start questioning whether they are true.

Sandra Dodd: Not because I say so, not because of unschooling, but because that's the reality of life.

Sandra Dodd: If you have a child left after one child died, you have more reason to recover from the grief or at least schedule it to only part of the time.

Darcel: Living by the moment has made my life a whole lot better. I know it's better for my kids

Alex: Schuyler once told me to just make a choice. To choose to do or not do something anymore.

Sandra Dodd: There's evidence for beliefs about not grieving for more than a year, in traditional literature in England.

Alex: I did it and now all I have to do is take a deep breath and voila! No more crazy mom!

Robin: I have wallowed in my own misery over things I did once upon a time, but it never helps me be better now. I make that choice. Like the difference between talk therapy (where you can go over and over something, wearing into your neural pathways) vs. cognitive therapy where you are helped to make changes.

Natalijoi: well, he was a family friend, and I feel like there are still things to help my kids with, that I haven't even identified yet

Sandra Dodd: One was that babies in Heaven had to carry a bowl, with the tears being shed for them on earth. If the bowl was full, they had to hold it carefully. If the bowl was empty, the child could run and play.

Natalijoi: aww, I like that

Sandra Dodd: One is that if people are grieving, after a year, the ghost needs them to stop so he can rest. One ballad about dead children has the children come and say to the mother "Every tear that you do shed, it wets our winding sheet."

Natalijoi: those are so good!

Robin: I think of my parents saying to me "Get on with your life. It's what we prepared you for. We're fine."

Sandra Dodd: Robin, your parents are dead, or living?

Robin: My mum died in Dec. 2007, my dad in July 2008.

Sandra Dodd: My dad met Keith once. He didn't like him, because I was leaving my husband for Keith. My dad liked the husband. I didn't tell my dad any of the bad stuff about Jimbo, the first guy. My dad was dying. Figured I would spare him. But I think about my dad a lot, and he would be proud of me and that helps me feel good sometimes.

Natalijoi: I'm working on the changes, Robin. I think I'm a little overwhelmed, because there aren't many changes, just a few really *big* ones

Sandra Dodd: What changes are you working on, Natalijoi?

Robin: Yeah. I think of that, too. How they would be so proud of Michelle, too.

Natalijoi: we've been unschoolers always, or mostly always, but I've always felt, because of poverty, and lots of transitions, that I needed to kind of demand, like, teeth brushing, and good eating,

Natalijoi: and I can just tend to be bossy and short, without meaning or wanting to be
we are all kind of jaded and sassy
and we are all talking alot about how we treat each other

Robin: Did you feel you needed to demand teeth brushing and good eating so attention wasn't drawn to your kids, Natalijoi?

Natalijoi: yes, and also because we have no dental, and I share custody, up until 3 months ago, of my 7 year old.
and, because I just worry about their health, but we, and *I* are doing much better with the food thing

Robin: Ah. I see. There are lots of ways to encourage without demanding. There are ways to let a child know the reasons behind any "requirement" and to help them.

Libby: all those things on the how to screw up unschool im basically doing
i feel like an ass admitting that
the way i am acting is just not me and i think that is what is frustrating because i dont want to be that super legalistic person

Sandra Dodd: jaded and sassy, Natalijoi, are poison.

Natalijoi: I know it

Sandra Dodd: And as to teeth and health, carrots and apples. Raw. Often.

Robin: Cheddar cheese, too.

Alex: yes hard cheese and xylitol

Jenny: my kids have each been to the dentist at least 2 times in their lives

Sandra Dodd:Libby, you don't need to admit it. And feeling like an ass is probably good, but you don't need to tell us. Maybe print that out and try to do the opposite of all of them every day!

Natalijoi: we just completely eliminated a friendship with a boy who was a lifetime friend, because he is *so* mean and nasty, it's abusive, he has an unparenting parent, and I just don't want it!

Sandra Dodd: Chewing gum can help with keeping teeth clean, too.

Alex: xylitol gums!

Robin: Or xylitol mints.

Natalijoi:Ryan is a bubblegum freak!!!

Alex: epicdental.com or spry.com

Natalijoi: he reeeeeally loves bubblegum
we chew the peelu stuff, too,

Alex: those gums used 5 times a day are garanteed to not let any new cavities develop

Sandra Dodd: You guys want another round of breathing?

Chris: we brushed our teeth with Zoe for a long time -- she liked company when she brushed (or we let her brush our teeth and we brushed hers at the same time.)

Libby: yes my kids are right here and i want them to do it too, if they want to

Rebecca Allen: drjohns.com has xylitol lollipops and hard candies

Robin: Let's breathe!

Sandra Dodd: I have another thing to do this time.

Alex: Great rebecca I will check those!

Sandra Dodd: You guys do ten shallow wimpy little worthless breaths and then when I start typing again (assuming you all stop typing for a little while here)
I'll put in positive statements for you to breathe in to. So When I start typing again, do the huff out and hold, then breathe in thinking of whatever I put up there
and then hold it and breathe out.

Sandra Dodd: Go. Ten shallow get-pissed-off breaths.


[NOTE TO READERS OF THE TRANSCRIPT: If you're going to to do this, start breathing slowly and deeply in and out on each of the several next positive messages:]

  • This is good.


  • Better, better, better


  • Ten seconds is not so long


  • I remember how the baby smelled.


  • The sun is warm.


  • It's nearly Spring.


  • A minute is not so long.


  • I'm glad I want to be a good mom.


  • I'm glad my child is home.


  • I love my life.


  • Things are better now.

    Libby: my son is coming up to my ear and whispering things and trying to make me mad...how do they know what to do? ah

    Sandra Dodd: Libby, why did you think he was trying to make you mad? You put a negative on it.
    Why did you think "how do they know what to do?"
    It sounds very adversarial.
    Do you feel more like he's an "other," an enemy, an alien than that he's a part of you, and a partner, on your team?

    Robin: Why not think "he must really need my attention"?

    Sandra Dodd: What was he whispering?

    Libby: i asked them what they were trying to do and they said make me laff

    Sandra Dodd: Maybe he needed you.

    Alex: He probably need you

    Sandra Dodd: How is trying to make you laugh "trying to make you mad"?

    Libby: i did

    Natalijoi: children with asperger's also have a really hard time knowing what is "appropriate" or not.

    Alex: what did he say?

    Sandra Dodd: So do most mothers.

    Libby: he was whispering..breath faster breathe faster im annoying you.

    Robin: And what did you do?

    Alex: did you tell him what you were doing about breathing?

    Sandra Dodd: Maybe he would rather you would do something sweet with him than be in this chat. That's not unreasonable at all. Maybe you could find someone to hang out with the kids while you're in a chat. Maybe an older friend or neighbor child

    Robin: Yeah, it's okay to leave to attend to your kids' needs.

    Sandra Dodd: Libby you interrupted my little demo to tell us your child had interrupted you.
    It wasn't terrible, but it was an interruption. If he's used to being interrupted, he will think it's normal and not a big deal.

    Libby: i said "there is this lady Sandra Dodd, and she is showing me something to help calm me down when i get angry and im going to show you too" so when i started the short breathes they started laffing and then got into my ears trying to make me laff which honestly would make me angry

    Sandra Dodd: There was something really great written about respect today and I put it here:

    Sandra Dodd: http://sandradodd.com/respect/marina

    Sandra Dodd: Libby, really "angry"? Honestly "angry"?

    Robin: So, you said you were going to show them? Meaning that they should do it if they're angry?

    Libby: im really sorry about interrupting

    Libby: no annoyed

    Libby: yes robin

    Sandra Dodd: I don't mind, I just wanted to mention it because if you're really impatient or used to expressing yourself quickly without thinking whether it's a good time you might be modelling the very things you're saying are annoying.

    Libby: i believe you are right

    Sandra Dodd: So the breathing will probably help, and you don't have to do it formally, and nobody even needs to know you're doing it. The short breaths are just a demo of what NOT to do.

    Robin: But it's not inviting them to join you, it's telling them to do it. If you invite them and they say no, that should be fine. You can model the breathing.

    Sandra Dodd: It's the deep breaths that will help

    Sandra Dodd: I know part of where I learned about breathing. Two places I know of.

    Rebecca Allen: Sometimes if I'm trying to slow my breathing and my mind is still racing, it helps a lot to visualize a calming place. A warm beach where I'm all alone.

    Sandra Dodd: One was meditation one of my high school teachers taught me.

    Robin: Rebecca, I used to go to "my nature place" which was a flower-filled meadow in the mountains. I go to the beach, now, too .

    Jill P: Does slowing your breath, help slow the racing of your mind, Rebecca?

    Sandra Dodd: So the other, other than the meditation, was I took a public speaking class, continuing education, $35, when I had been invited to speak at a conference.

    Robin: I learned some breathing techniques in a public speaking course.

    Natalijoi: Libby, I want to share something with you, about my son who had Ass berger's. (He said I can only share it if I spell it that way :)

    Sandra Dodd: I could speak; that was fine. But then they said it would be recorded so the tapes could be sold. That spooked me. So I took this class, and one thing they talked about was not saying "um..."

    Rebecca Allen: It helps a bit, but sometimes the racing thoughts make it hard to focus on the breathing. The calming place helps to naturally slow the breathing, then it's easier to consciously really slow down the breathing.

    Sandra Dodd: But to take a breath and wait. And that it made you seem smarter to take a breath and wait. But I noticed it MADE me smarter!!

    Robin: I think it would make you smarter, Sandra. More oxygen to the brain!

    Alex: back

    Natalijoi: when he was 6, his gramma took him to get his hair cut, and he didn't want it cut. He didn't like it, and was "difficult" all through the haircut, and then, when it was done, gramma said, "say thank you"

    Robin: Maybe Buddhist monks and nuns are the smartest people of all .

    Natalijoi: he wouldn't say thank you, and my mom was embarrassed, and told him, "we aren't leaving until you say thank you!"

    Jill P: Omg, whenever I've spoken to a group ( a few times) 
, I get very chilled. I bet I'm not breathing.

    Robin: Natalijoi, that's pretty typical of that generation, though. She was probably told the same thing. "Be grateful."

    Rebecca Allen: I read something about Buddhist monks lately about research showing that their brains have ore neural pathways or something like that.

    Natalijoi: 45 min later, she finally just brought him home, and told me the story, she was just livid!!

    Robin: I have a question. Did you know he didn't want his hair cut?

    Natalijoi: no, I wasn't there

    Rebecca Allen: 45 minutes is a long time to be angry. So much easier to simply thank the person for the child.

    Robin: No kidding!

    Natalijoi: when he came home, I was just tickled, I thought it was so funny. Because Solstice was just stoic, at 6 years old, he just held his ground

    Sandra Dodd: In that class, what the instructor said was that it will seem like a long pause, if you breathe, but it's part of a second. It's that fear makes your heart beat faster and you THINK time is going faster. But breathing will not show. And I knew already that breathing also slows your heart, to make you calmer.

    Libby: well, my son just said "can i have cheese pizza" i said yes...but just remembered they ate it all at lunch so i told him that and he thru himself to the floor and said I WANT CHEESE PIZZA AND THERE IS SOME! i showed him and he still didnt believe me and is demanding it now...these are the times id ont know what to do..whatever else i offer to him isnt good enough

    Sandra Dodd: Libby, can you put them in the car and go get pizza?

    Sandra Dodd: If you can you should.
    Nothing else is good enough. you said yes about pizza.
    I'm on his side.

    Jill P: Libby, instead of saying "you can't have cheese pizza, can you say, "let's go look".

    Natalijoi: that was the moral to my story, actually, that I learned that day, I'm on his side.

    Robin: Natalijoi, it's good to be happy that your child can stand his ground. However, if you depend on your mom for care, it would be good to facilitate a better relationship between them. For his sake, too.

    Alex: When I was 19 I had a boyfriend who did martial arts and he showed me how he could accelerate or slow down his heart whenever he wanted He visualized and breathed in and out and he could slow it so much

    Libby: i don't have the car, we only have one and my husband took it to work.

    Sandra Dodd: Do they deliver there?

    Libby: that was a great story naralijoi, i enjoyed that

    Libby: yes

    Sandra Dodd: Or do you have a friend who could go get you some pizza?

    Sandra Dodd: Order pizza if you can.

    Natalijoi: Robin, that was 5 years ago, she lives in IN, and that was the last time she took him to get his hair cut

    Libby: i would haft to have it delivered

    Sandra Dodd: Sometimes unschooling involves doing something that you might not have otherwise done.

    Sandra Dodd: You don't have to get it delivered.

    Jill P: Nata, that story is a little bit sweet , of your 6 year old, but very sad that he was in that position to have to stand up for himself in all of that haircut going on.

    Sandra Dodd: You're at one of those hundreds of choice points you'll have in the next day or so.

    Robin: I'll bet it was!

    Natalijoi: right, that's gramma for you!

    Sandra Dodd: You're going to be getting warmer or getting colder, in your relationship with your child, Libby.

    Natalijoi: there's a reason we live 400 miles apart

    Libby: so let them eat what they want?

    Sandra Dodd: And next time you can figure out a better thing to say than Yes about some food you don't have. You could say "If we have some, yes."

    Sandra Dodd: Short answer? Yes.


    Robin: Knowing my daughter, I would not be letting her grandma take her to get her hair cut!

    Sandra Dodd: Why are you still here asking us questions instead of getting that boy some pizza?
    We can't change it.
    Or has he already forgotten about it?

    Libby: because he moved on
    haha
    he is currently riding on a broom

    Sandra Dodd: Don't laugh. I'm serious. Don't write laughing.

    Libby: lol

    Alex: don't laugh

    Sandra Dodd: No lol. No ha ha.
    You're either laughing at us or your child, or you want us to think you are, and neither is appropriate.

    Alex: Ask him if he wants one now or if you can get one tomorrow or dad can bring one after work
    Get him a pizza even if he moves on

    Jill P: That would irritate me,

    Libby: I can see a glimmer why he says you irritate him.

    Libby: oh im not laffing at you

    Sandra Dodd: Who are you laughing at?

    Libby: sorry if i gave that impression

    Jill P: Go help your boy, get some pizza

    Alex: because that way next time you can't get him something right away he will trust you will get him when you can

    Jenny: I've missed most of the chat because I've had 2 frustrated kids here, and I needed to breathe a lot in the last hour!

    Sandra Dodd: About the eating...

    Libby: my son

    Sandra Dodd: http://sandradodd.com/food

    Libby: is laffing too

    Sandra Dodd: Don't laugh at your son.

    Robin: Breathe, Jenny, breathe!

    Jill P: And don't think everything is ok because he's laughing.

    Sandra Dodd: He wanted something, you didn't have it, you told us you wanted to do better, and we're trying to help you.

    Jenny: and now one is off to see her boyfriend and the other is eating pizza and has a game set up to play

    Robin: BTW, Natalijoi, I'm not suggesting you let the haircutting happen, either.

    Sandra Dodd: The faith he has in you is growing or waning at every moment.
    You're either building your relationship or you're eroding it.

    Alex: Many times my kids want somthing to eat and I don't have or just ran out of it and me and my husband are really good about getting it next time we are out, even if they moved on

    Sandra Dodd: Every laugh at his expense, every promise you can't keep... erosion. Getting cold, not getting warm.

    Natalijoi: Robin, he has actually been growing it out for 3 years! Maybe because of annoying bad haircut experiences

    Libby: i was laffing with him actually because he was laffing too because what he was doing with the broom was funny. i would never laff "at" him

    Robin: Yes, Alex. They know you will fulfill their wishes if and when you can.

    Jenny: part of the frustration just a moment ago, was that we didn't have any tomatoes left

    Alex: It's very important that they trust you and what you say

    Libby: but the laff on here when i typed lol was a giggle towards the fact that he already changed his mind and that blew me away because that never happens

    Sandra Dodd: It just happened. Be careful thinking "always" or "never." It rarely helps.

    Natalijoi: I think that it's hard to turn away from the adversarial attitude, I think it takes a lot of work, and mindfulness

    Alex: see but you are losing the opportunity here, Lilly.

    Sandra Dodd: It takes a whole lot of choices in the moment
    http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully

    Natalijoi: yeah, for sure! learning that!

    Alex: the opportunity for him to see you are on his side and will help him get what he needs

    Rebecca Allen: When we're out of something Quinn wants to eat and we're not going to the grocery right away, I pull out a paper and start a grocery list and ask her what else she wants when we shop.

    Sandra Dodd: has a sound file, of me and Richard Prystowsky, a few years ago, talking about how to have a more peaceful home. Very practical suggestions about choice making and breathing.

    Robin: It doesn't have to be "hard" though. It does take mindfulness in the moment, however. And it slows down the automatic response.

    Robin: Being mindful, that is.

    Sandra Dodd: One deep breath's worth of thinking.
    It can keep you out of prison, and make you a better mother, right then.
    Right there.

    Sandra Dodd: Libby, what time is it at your house?

    Natalijoi: I haven't gotten there, where it isn't hard, but I feel like I have new skills to use, new ideas to practice

    Alex: My son complained the other night that we only read a book together at night before sleep so yesterday I read for him during the day- I did not wait for him to come ask me to help cause he is too busy.

    Libby: its 3:20

    Sandra Dodd: What's for dinner?

    Robin: Maybe it will only be hard for a little while, then, Natalijoi.

    Sandra Dodd: We're having hamburgers. I have most things prepped. It's 4:20 here.

    Libby: we are having thai food that they asked for

    Jill P: But Libby, you were telling us he moved on, and now it seems you want to forget about what he wanted.

    Alex: ribs or pizza here!

    Sandra Dodd: Did you find him a snack to replace the pizza he wanted?

    Libby: yes

    Alex: probably pizza as I need some bbq sauce

    Libby: he went and grabbed a granola bar

    Jessica: pot roast in the crock pot here

    Robin: Libby,you're in my time zone. Are you near Jenny in OR. They're having pizza!

    Natalijoi: I think so, Robin, I feel like a lot of things are lining up, we are all doing really well the last few days, the unschooling conference helped us a lot!!

    Sandra Dodd: I want to smell Jessica's house.

    Rebecca Allen: I have a roast in the oven. Time to add the carrots I chopped before the chat.

Breathing

Mindfulness

Parenting Peacefully


Breathing (notes)

Mindful Parenting

Parenting Peacefully