When people hear "stop and smell the roses" they think of thorns, and ownership, and the cost of the roses, and whether they require more water than xeriscaping would. That's why deep breathing helps. It makes brains slow down. Although it's usually dolled up as formal meditation or chanting or yoga (which has other benefits, certainly, but for my current argument, the breathing...)... what it immediately does is slow the heart which stills the brain. And then thoughts can step gently and slowly around, instead of trying to jump on the speeding train of brains going the speed of people who are thinking of cost and future and past and promotion and danger and they're breathing fast, fast, fast. And shallow, shallow, shallow.

Deep breaths change everything, for a few moments.

Shallow breathing maintains a state. If you're angry or afraid and you breathe shallowly, you stay that way.
If you're calm (as in a meditative state) then breathing shallowly maintains it, once you've gotten there.

—Sandra Dodd
in "Tiny Monsters"
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Breathe Before You Speak This simple strategy has had remarkable results for virtually everyone I know who has tried it. The almost immediate results include increased patience, added perspective, and, as a side benefit, more gratitude and respect from others. The strategy itself is remarkably simple. It involves nothing more than pausing—breathing—after the person to whom you are speaking is finished. At first, the time gap between your voices may seem like an eternity—but in reality, it amounts to only a fraction of a second of actual time. You will get used to the power and beauty of breathing, and you will come to appreciate it as well. It will bring you closer to, and earn you more respect from, virtually everyone you come in contact with. You'll find that being listened to is one of the rarest and most treasured gifts you can offer. All it takes is intention and practice. Richard Carlson in Don't Sweat the Small Stuff...

Schuyler Waynforth, on Always Learning (part of this):

Two days ago I got irritated at David. And I raged at him for about 1/2 second and I stopped. I breathed and I apologized and it was gone. There is no way that I could have done that when Simon and Linnaea were little, not because of them, but because I hadn't taken the small steps to get from where I was to where I am.

As for things like waiting in line or being stuck in traffic, I don't look at it as wasted time. I look at it as opportunity: What can I do with this time? I always have a book with me for that reason. Or I use that time to focus on my breath--bring myself to the present moment. It's all how you look at it.

There are times in life that you won't feel like you can take care of others around you as well as you'd like. You need nurturing yourself and other people's neediness starts to be draining on you.

I've felt that, too.

But, I've also found that if I focus more on "seeing" my kids with loving eyes—focus, consciously choose to pay attention to what I love about them, then I actually begin to feel more nourished and strengthened by them, and by the very acts of caring for them.

Partly what is so draining is that your mind is on other things while your kids want your attentiveness on them. So you feel pulled and that is stressful. If you can, try to stop thinking about the other stuff and focus on the little details of what you're doing at the moment. If your child wants pasta at midnight (just happened here), then you go put the water in the pot and put it on the stove. While you're doing that, concentrate on feeling the coldness of the water, the heaviness of the pot as it fills with water. Hear the sound of the water running.

It is late and I'm not being as articulate as I'd like—but what I'm saying is to practice being totally "in the moment" by noticing every sensation—sound, touch, smell, etc. Especially do this in regard to your children—touch them, smell them, listen to the sound of their voices, and so on.

Even if you only manage to get into this heightened state of mind for a minute or two at a time, do it as often as you think of it throughout your day. Each minute will be refreshing—it is a form of meditation that you can do while you're going about your daily activities.

When we lived in Japan we had neighbors who did meditation. I got really frustrated and hit my three year old Simon one day. He told everybody. I was ashamed of myself and proud of him for telling people. I didn't want him to hide my abuse. Ward, one of the neighbors, sat with me and talked me through a 10 second meditation technique, it was just a way to calm myself down. And 10 seconds was about how long I had most of the time with an almost 1 year old and a moving toward 4 year old. It gave me space in the times that I remembered to use it. http://sandradodd.com/breathing has similar ideas. Breathing long enough, taking the 2 seconds it can take to refocus on the good things, the more that I did that, the less I felt like I was in need of my own space.

When my back needed stretching and Simon and Linnaea were little enough, I would put them on my legs and stretch, using their weight as a counter balance. Quickly googling I found this exercise dvd: http://www.momandtotfitness.com/, there's a downloadable sample. Now, neither Simon nor Linnaea would have been that interested in doing the activity more than a few times, but it might help you to see other ways to get your exercise. I liked that the kids were distracting and distracted in the clip. So, even with editing and all they couldn't manage to show a young child happily accommodating their mother's need.

One of the things that really helped me was to let go of plans. Not that it was an easy thing. So, if I thought I was going to do the dishes, being willing to walk away from that at Simon's or Linnaea's behest made me less frustrated. I remember reading in Dr. Spock that anything you do with a toddler you should expect it to take more than twice as long, more than three times as long. I suppose you should expect it to take as long as it takes. Can you get groceries delivered? Can you eat before going grocery shopping? Can you quickly buy something to eat and then do the grocery shopping? Can you go shopping with S? Can your husband do the shopping? Can you see the grocery run as a giant exploration opportunity with lots of ambling and exploring and pauses and rushes?

I think it is fantastic what you are doing. Standing with your son, wandering into the laundromat, listening to his ciao, ciao, letting him play with the floss, those are fantastic connections. Sometimes it is so hard to be so accomodating of another person. I can tell you, though, that not being so accomodating isn't any easier. I can tell you that not taking the breath, not coming up with the ways to see the joy through his eyes, but to see him as a tyrant, that route leads to your and his unhappiness. I've also found the the more willing I am to help Simon and Linnaea to do what they want to do, the less needy they are. And, conversely, the more joyfully I spend time with them, helping them out, the less needy I am of my own space, my time to myself.

Schuyler

Mindful Parenting Parenting Peacefully