nada.sheppard@...

Eight years ago, I was in a relationship for two years with a wonderful man.  During this time, I did almost everything in our home together -- cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.  You name it, it was my responsibility.  He basically worked and came home and spent time with me.  And I was so happy to serve him and care for him and our home.  I hardly ever asked him to help, and I really didn't feel that it was work -- it was opportunities to care for him and show him how much I loved him.  


Now, I am eight years older and I am married to an even more wonderful man and we have two children together, a 5yog and a 2yob.  I enjoy housework and caring for my family, but now I am responsible for the upkeep of a much bigger home, and for 4 people instead of just 2.  I try to look at it as servitude and kindness as I did before, but I often find myself resentful of the time I spend on them and the lack of time I spend on myself.  It causes me great stress and anxiety (seriously, full blown panic attacks) when I begin to feel taken advantaged of or used.  It also makes me lash out at my family because I feel like I'm not being helped or served back in return.  


Any practical tips or things to think about?  

Sandra Dodd

-=-Finding Joy in Servitude-=-

If you change “servitude” (in which a person is stuck, and it’s a role he can’t get out of) to “service” (which is in every instance a voluntary gift), you might feel better immediately.

People who think words don’t make any difference will be more unhappy than those who consider whether a simple change of terminology and thought can change their emotions and their vision of where and who they are, and what they’re doing, and why.

http://sandradodd.com/service

That page has some really nice things by lots of people. The word “servitude” is used four times, usually saying it’s not that, but “service,” which is used 59 times.
13 “serve”s
3 “serving”

People who refuse to “serve” anyone because they don’t want to be “a servant” will probably end up divorced and unhappy (or the other way around).
This is another example of the power or words and emotions, and the problems with languages. This might be an English-language problem that doesn’t bother people who are speaking another language. But among English speakers, it can ruin relationships.

“Servitude” is not something to be joyful about.
Doing kind things voluntarily for people you love CAN lead to joy.
Forget “servitude."

Sandra

Joyce Fetteroll


On Dec 3, 2015, at 1:38 AM, nada.sheppard@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:

I was so happy to serve him and care for him and our home.  
I hardly ever asked him to help, and I really didn't feel that it was work


It sounds like you have a *rule* that being of service is a good thing. That rule will "work" as long as what you're choosing to do doesn't exceed what you can reasonably do.

Now you've reached a point where you're following the rule but it's more than you can reasonably do. Now you're seeing others as at fault for creating more than you can do and expecting you to do it.

But they aren't the cause of your overwhelm. You are. It's your vision that's created this situation.

There are three basic chunks of things that moms do.

One is maintenance of the home. This is the *bare minimum* of what keeps everything and everyone functioning. It's having some kind of food in the home. It's keeping the house clean enough that social services won't take your kids away. It's keeping the kids reasonably clean in body and clothes.

Two is the things you want to do for your family. The things that make you feel you're doing a good job.

Three is the things that would make someone in your family smile.

Mothers tend to mush One and Two together into a muddled ball. They end up doing way more than the minimum and then feeling they should be happy to do the level of care they feel is best and right.

And then three falls off the list because there isn't time and the weight of One and Two makes moms wonder why they should make their family smile when the family isn't making them smile.

You need to rethink what you're doing. The most important thing is One. But that is *minimum* care. People fed food they're relatively happy with. House and people reasonably clean. Rethink everything you're doing. How can you reorganize to make things easier? Where can you cut back?

The next most important for relationship building is doing things that make others happy. This doesn't need to be a full time job. It's big and little things here and there. It's turning on a light when someone's reading in the dark. It's taking a child to the midnight show of the new Star Wars. It's remembering to one child is irritated by seams.

That then gives you leeway to do Two. But recognize that Two is things you're *choosing* to do. If it gets to much, refer to One and Three. If you can't do a full meal one day, recognize that your family doesn't expect it. That's your own expectation. Ask yourself what *would* they be happy with that's easy?

While your kids are wee little it will be a while before you'll have time to do things for yourself. You might ask your husband for a night off so you can go relax in a bookstore. But the more you can find your family fulfilling, the less time you'll need away from them. But first you need to stop doing the stuff you feel is necessary to be of service and look honestly at what they really need. 

*** I try to look at it as servitude ***

Please don't. Servitude is "the state of being a slave or completely subject to someone more powerful." I suspect you meant of service. But you've put too much into the "service" column. Your family will still be happy if you remove a lot of the Two's from the list. See what your family wants and needs. Then see anything extra beyond that as what you want to give. Those are separate and a *choice* for you. Only do that when you have the time and energy to.

Joyce