Toddler Issues
Christy Putnam
I am needing some help getting through fit throwing and lack of sleep.
First, since I don't post a ton, I will remind you all that I have an almost
12 year old and an almost 18 mo old. I am very new to the respectful
parenting style let alone unschooling. I am sure my issues are not unique
and I am not here to whine and complain, just to get some suggestions on how
I can better handle some situations. Our family goal is peace which
incorporates mutual respect so in each instance I am wanting to respect
everyone's needs. I will try to be as complete as possible without making
this email too long.
First issue, throwing fits. I say fits because these are not tantrums where
he throws himself down kicking and screaming. It is more like screaming and
crying so hard he gags. He does this any time he does not get his way. The
biggest fits come when he is not ready to get in the car after being
somewhere...anywhere. If we have a choice of staying longer, we usually do
but there comes a time we have to leave and so ensues the fit. Other major
fit times are diaper changes. He doesn't always cry to the point of gagging
and he doesn't always throw a fit but it is often enough that I have either
just let him wear the wet dipe for much longer than I like or just take it
off and prolong putting another on. I have even thought about doing EC but
I am not disciplined enough to do that plus my dh would freak...lol.
Another time he throws fits is when he wants to be in the kitchen with me
and I have to repeatedly tell him not to touch things to the point I cant
get anything done. I have tried putting him in the carrier and wearing him
and I have tried putting him at the table with crayons and such but he wants
to be down so he can touch things the only thing else I know to do is put
him in the living room where everything is safe and he can still see me and
I can still talk to him and such. When I do that he throws a fit. I hope
this is good enough description but if you have questions please ask.
Otherwise, please suggest things that have worked for you or that you have
known to work for other people.
Second issue, lack of sleep. I am not talking about Aden, its me. Aden was
on a routine of sleeping by around 8 or so but gradually that has turned
into around 11:30 or so. We do dinner, playtime, bath, nakey playtime,
books, bottle, rocking, bed (or at least that is how it used to be). Now,
after bottle he wants down to play then about 30 min later he wants back up
and acts like he is going to go to sleep but then he pops his head up and is
ready to play again and about 30 min later again wanting to rock. This
pattern goes on for however long with me getting frustrated all the while
because I know what time I need to get up the next morning to either get
Seth somewhere or heaven forbid I get to go to the Y and work out. Not only
does he stay up for what feels like forever, he tosses and turns most of the
night sometimes which causes even less sleep for me. We are to a point
where Seth can go to bed pretty much whenever as long as he is in bed when
we are (I am not ready to let go more than that yet...key word yet). With
Aden I cant just go to bed and leave him to play which means I am getting
more and more sleep deprived and more and more depressed about everything.
I cant sleep during the day when he takes a nap because that is the only
time I have to work my home biz. I want him to learn his own body and such
yet I need at least 8 hrs of sleep...10 is actually better for me but 8
works okay too. So how do I encourage him to learn his own body and his own
sleep needs while also getting my own sleep needs met or is that a pipe
dream?
In Gratitude,
Christy Putnam
Unschooling Mom to Aden (1) and Seth (11)
Loving wife of Chet (ann. 7/4/04)
Visit my blog &/or join my group:
<http://blog.myspace.com/personal_balance>
http://blog.myspace.com/personal_balance
<http://groups.myspace.com/unschoolingourfuture>
http://groups.myspace.com/unschoolingourfuture
"Go confidently in the direction of your
dreams. Live the life you have always
imagined." - Henry David Thoreau
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
First, since I don't post a ton, I will remind you all that I have an almost
12 year old and an almost 18 mo old. I am very new to the respectful
parenting style let alone unschooling. I am sure my issues are not unique
and I am not here to whine and complain, just to get some suggestions on how
I can better handle some situations. Our family goal is peace which
incorporates mutual respect so in each instance I am wanting to respect
everyone's needs. I will try to be as complete as possible without making
this email too long.
First issue, throwing fits. I say fits because these are not tantrums where
he throws himself down kicking and screaming. It is more like screaming and
crying so hard he gags. He does this any time he does not get his way. The
biggest fits come when he is not ready to get in the car after being
somewhere...anywhere. If we have a choice of staying longer, we usually do
but there comes a time we have to leave and so ensues the fit. Other major
fit times are diaper changes. He doesn't always cry to the point of gagging
and he doesn't always throw a fit but it is often enough that I have either
just let him wear the wet dipe for much longer than I like or just take it
off and prolong putting another on. I have even thought about doing EC but
I am not disciplined enough to do that plus my dh would freak...lol.
Another time he throws fits is when he wants to be in the kitchen with me
and I have to repeatedly tell him not to touch things to the point I cant
get anything done. I have tried putting him in the carrier and wearing him
and I have tried putting him at the table with crayons and such but he wants
to be down so he can touch things the only thing else I know to do is put
him in the living room where everything is safe and he can still see me and
I can still talk to him and such. When I do that he throws a fit. I hope
this is good enough description but if you have questions please ask.
Otherwise, please suggest things that have worked for you or that you have
known to work for other people.
Second issue, lack of sleep. I am not talking about Aden, its me. Aden was
on a routine of sleeping by around 8 or so but gradually that has turned
into around 11:30 or so. We do dinner, playtime, bath, nakey playtime,
books, bottle, rocking, bed (or at least that is how it used to be). Now,
after bottle he wants down to play then about 30 min later he wants back up
and acts like he is going to go to sleep but then he pops his head up and is
ready to play again and about 30 min later again wanting to rock. This
pattern goes on for however long with me getting frustrated all the while
because I know what time I need to get up the next morning to either get
Seth somewhere or heaven forbid I get to go to the Y and work out. Not only
does he stay up for what feels like forever, he tosses and turns most of the
night sometimes which causes even less sleep for me. We are to a point
where Seth can go to bed pretty much whenever as long as he is in bed when
we are (I am not ready to let go more than that yet...key word yet). With
Aden I cant just go to bed and leave him to play which means I am getting
more and more sleep deprived and more and more depressed about everything.
I cant sleep during the day when he takes a nap because that is the only
time I have to work my home biz. I want him to learn his own body and such
yet I need at least 8 hrs of sleep...10 is actually better for me but 8
works okay too. So how do I encourage him to learn his own body and his own
sleep needs while also getting my own sleep needs met or is that a pipe
dream?
In Gratitude,
Christy Putnam
Unschooling Mom to Aden (1) and Seth (11)
Loving wife of Chet (ann. 7/4/04)
Visit my blog &/or join my group:
<http://blog.myspace.com/personal_balance>
http://blog.myspace.com/personal_balance
<http://groups.myspace.com/unschoolingourfuture>
http://groups.myspace.com/unschoolingourfuture
"Go confidently in the direction of your
dreams. Live the life you have always
imagined." - Henry David Thoreau
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-First issue, throwing fits. I say fits because these are not
tantrums where
he throws himself down kicking and screaming. It is more like
screaming and
crying so hard he gags. He does this any time he does not get his way-=-
But they don't come unexpectedly. Blaming him and labelling him and
his actions won't solve the problem.
Several steps BEFORE his final move, you need to change your strategy.
-=-I have tried putting him in the carrier and wearing him-=-
He throws a fit WHILE he's in a carrier? Do you have a backpack
hiking carrier?
-=-if you have questions please ask.
Otherwise, please suggest things that have worked for you or that you
have
known to work for other people. -=-
Help from this group will come as help from this group comes. Most
likely people will have ideas about how changes in your point of view
and relationship with him will make the difference.
When you change his diaper or pick him up from places to bring him
home, do you focus on him, and sing and smile and make it all happy
and nice? Maybe you've tried that, but I've seen some moms be
businesslike and matter-of-fact and it seems harsh from the
beginning. Maybe this doesn't apply, but if it even nearly applies,
please consider moving more toward fun and sweetness in his favor.
Also there are other lists that might help. One's about young
children, and one is for beginning unschoolers. You're welcome to
stay here too, but this list is intended to be for established
unschoolers.
-=-Second issue, lack of sleep. I am not talking about Aden, its me-=-
http://sandradodd.com/sleeping
-=-I cant sleep during the day when he takes a nap because that is
the only
time I have to work my home biz.-=-
Maybe find a girl who lives near you to come and play with him while
you're working so he doesn't take a nap. Are you "putting him down"
for a nap or does he just sleep when he's sleepy?
He gets older every day. These problems will go away with time.
Can you let your home business go for a while and spend more time
with him?
http://sandradodd.com/spoiled
http://sandradodd.com/respect
Needy children need more of mom, not less.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
tantrums where
he throws himself down kicking and screaming. It is more like
screaming and
crying so hard he gags. He does this any time he does not get his way-=-
But they don't come unexpectedly. Blaming him and labelling him and
his actions won't solve the problem.
Several steps BEFORE his final move, you need to change your strategy.
-=-I have tried putting him in the carrier and wearing him-=-
He throws a fit WHILE he's in a carrier? Do you have a backpack
hiking carrier?
-=-if you have questions please ask.
Otherwise, please suggest things that have worked for you or that you
have
known to work for other people. -=-
Help from this group will come as help from this group comes. Most
likely people will have ideas about how changes in your point of view
and relationship with him will make the difference.
When you change his diaper or pick him up from places to bring him
home, do you focus on him, and sing and smile and make it all happy
and nice? Maybe you've tried that, but I've seen some moms be
businesslike and matter-of-fact and it seems harsh from the
beginning. Maybe this doesn't apply, but if it even nearly applies,
please consider moving more toward fun and sweetness in his favor.
Also there are other lists that might help. One's about young
children, and one is for beginning unschoolers. You're welcome to
stay here too, but this list is intended to be for established
unschoolers.
-=-Second issue, lack of sleep. I am not talking about Aden, its me-=-
http://sandradodd.com/sleeping
-=-I cant sleep during the day when he takes a nap because that is
the only
time I have to work my home biz.-=-
Maybe find a girl who lives near you to come and play with him while
you're working so he doesn't take a nap. Are you "putting him down"
for a nap or does he just sleep when he's sleepy?
He gets older every day. These problems will go away with time.
Can you let your home business go for a while and spend more time
with him?
http://sandradodd.com/spoiled
http://sandradodd.com/respect
Needy children need more of mom, not less.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Angela S.
Two things come to mind quickly.
One: are you talking to him and reminding him that a transition is coming
soon so he can internalize it? Let him know 15 min., 10, min, and 5 minutes
before you leave that you are going to leave and then give him something to
look forward to where you are going next. If it's home, remind him of
something he loves that is at home etc. I know he's little but so many
people underestimate their kids ability to understand and so they don't even
bother to try to reason with them or talk with them.
Two: What is in the kitchen that he cannot touch? Why not child proof the
kitchen? I still have plastic cups and bowls in a low cupboard. They've
been there since the kids were little because A. they couldn't break them if
they wanted to play with them. B. they could get them themselves without
climbing on the cupboard. The cupboards that had cleaning supplies in them
I put a child lock on or moved to a higher cupboard.
It also sounds like he doesn't feel listened to. I know that people have
different levels of interpersonal skill but if you are paying close
attention to him, you should see the signs of neediness before it becomes a
full blown temper tantrum. Let him stand on a chair and help you do some
things that are safe. Playing in the sink was always a favorite or washing
lettuce or potatoes or something.
I remember my sil's kids throwing huge tempter tantrums and she would give
them a time out or a swat and it drove me NUTS because you could see the kid
asking politely for attention a million times before he had a fit. She
couldn't see it because she was too busy doing other things but I could see
it coming a million miles away. I always felt so bad for the kids because
they got punished for it when all they wanted was some eye contact and
someone to validate their feelings and listen to them for a minute or even
something so simple as a drink that they asked for ten times and no one
heard them. I began to interrupt her eventually and point out that the kids
needed her for something to prevent it. If she addressed their issue it
never happened. Some kids just need a lot of time in arms too and just
because you feel like you've held them all day doesn't mean that they feel
like they've had enough.
It's hard when they are little and I'm sure it's even harder when you are
trying to meet the needs of different aged kids.
OH, and one more thing. Stop counting how many hours of sleep you got. I
used to do that and it just set me up to have an excuse to get short
tempered when I got tired. How much do you need the extra income from the
part time job? More than you need sleep? What can you live without to make
up for it?
Angela
game-enthusiast@...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
One: are you talking to him and reminding him that a transition is coming
soon so he can internalize it? Let him know 15 min., 10, min, and 5 minutes
before you leave that you are going to leave and then give him something to
look forward to where you are going next. If it's home, remind him of
something he loves that is at home etc. I know he's little but so many
people underestimate their kids ability to understand and so they don't even
bother to try to reason with them or talk with them.
Two: What is in the kitchen that he cannot touch? Why not child proof the
kitchen? I still have plastic cups and bowls in a low cupboard. They've
been there since the kids were little because A. they couldn't break them if
they wanted to play with them. B. they could get them themselves without
climbing on the cupboard. The cupboards that had cleaning supplies in them
I put a child lock on or moved to a higher cupboard.
It also sounds like he doesn't feel listened to. I know that people have
different levels of interpersonal skill but if you are paying close
attention to him, you should see the signs of neediness before it becomes a
full blown temper tantrum. Let him stand on a chair and help you do some
things that are safe. Playing in the sink was always a favorite or washing
lettuce or potatoes or something.
I remember my sil's kids throwing huge tempter tantrums and she would give
them a time out or a swat and it drove me NUTS because you could see the kid
asking politely for attention a million times before he had a fit. She
couldn't see it because she was too busy doing other things but I could see
it coming a million miles away. I always felt so bad for the kids because
they got punished for it when all they wanted was some eye contact and
someone to validate their feelings and listen to them for a minute or even
something so simple as a drink that they asked for ten times and no one
heard them. I began to interrupt her eventually and point out that the kids
needed her for something to prevent it. If she addressed their issue it
never happened. Some kids just need a lot of time in arms too and just
because you feel like you've held them all day doesn't mean that they feel
like they've had enough.
It's hard when they are little and I'm sure it's even harder when you are
trying to meet the needs of different aged kids.
OH, and one more thing. Stop counting how many hours of sleep you got. I
used to do that and it just set me up to have an excuse to get short
tempered when I got tired. How much do you need the extra income from the
part time job? More than you need sleep? What can you live without to make
up for it?
Angela
game-enthusiast@...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Christy Putnam
~~~But they don't come unexpectedly. Blaming him and labelling him and
his actions won't solve the problem.
Several steps BEFORE his final move, you need to change your strategy.~~~
I am not blaming or labeling, just trying to describe what he does, thinking
this would help obtain ideas of doing just what you suggest...changing my
strategy.
~~~He throws a fit WHILE he's in a carrier? Do you have a backpack
hiking carrier?~~~
I have an Ergo carrier and he throws a fit when I am trying to put him in it
- showing me he doesn't want to be there so of course I try other things.
He would probably do better "being worn" in these situations if we were both
more used to it but sadly we aren't and he usually would rather be down
exploring.
~~~Help from this group will come as help from this group comes. Most
likely people will have ideas about how changes in your point of view
and relationship with him will make the difference~~~
This is what I am expecting. I treasure the changes in perspective I have
gained so far :)
~~~When you change his diaper or pick him up from places to bring him
home, do you focus on him, and sing and smile and make it all happy
and nice? Maybe this doesn't apply, but if it even nearly applies,
please consider moving more toward fun and sweetness in his favor.~~~
I do that some but do see room for improvement. Thank you for reminding me
of that :)
~~~Also there are other lists that might help. One's about young
children, and one is for beginning unschoolers. You're welcome to
stay here too, but this list is intended to be for established
unschoolers.~~~
Could you send me the links or names of those groups as I have not been able
to find them in doing a search? I am already a member of unschoolingbasics
if this is one you were thinking of. I wasn't terribly sure which group to
post to. I will keep that in mind for future posts.
~~~Maybe find a girl who lives near you to come and play with him while
you're working so he doesn't take a nap. Are you "putting him down"
for a nap or does he just sleep when he's sleepy?~~~
There aren't any kids in the area that are old enough to watch him. I do
not "put him down for a nap," he lets me know when he is sleepy during the
day, we rock and he falls asleep. I then put him in "his" bed (twin next to
ours) and he sleeps as long or as little as he wants.
~~~He gets older every day. These problems will go away with time.
Can you let your home business go for a while and spend more time
with him? Needy children need more of mom, not less.~~~
I know this and thanks for the reminder. I only work on my home biz while
he sleeps during the day. Otherwise, I spend time with both boys as much as
possible. Maybe I do just need to let it go and spend more time with him
even during his naps and get some sleep as well.
Thanks,
Christy
In Gratitude,
Christy Putnam
Unschooling Mom to Aden (1) and Seth (11)
Loving wife of Chet (ann. 7/4/04)
Visit my blog &/or join my group:
<http://blog.myspace.com/personal_balance>
http://blog.myspace.com/personal_balance
<http://groups.myspace.com/unschoolingourfuture>
http://groups.myspace.com/unschoolingourfuture
"Go confidently in the direction of your
dreams. Live the life you have always
imagined." - Henry David Thoreau
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
his actions won't solve the problem.
Several steps BEFORE his final move, you need to change your strategy.~~~
I am not blaming or labeling, just trying to describe what he does, thinking
this would help obtain ideas of doing just what you suggest...changing my
strategy.
~~~He throws a fit WHILE he's in a carrier? Do you have a backpack
hiking carrier?~~~
I have an Ergo carrier and he throws a fit when I am trying to put him in it
- showing me he doesn't want to be there so of course I try other things.
He would probably do better "being worn" in these situations if we were both
more used to it but sadly we aren't and he usually would rather be down
exploring.
~~~Help from this group will come as help from this group comes. Most
likely people will have ideas about how changes in your point of view
and relationship with him will make the difference~~~
This is what I am expecting. I treasure the changes in perspective I have
gained so far :)
~~~When you change his diaper or pick him up from places to bring him
home, do you focus on him, and sing and smile and make it all happy
and nice? Maybe this doesn't apply, but if it even nearly applies,
please consider moving more toward fun and sweetness in his favor.~~~
I do that some but do see room for improvement. Thank you for reminding me
of that :)
~~~Also there are other lists that might help. One's about young
children, and one is for beginning unschoolers. You're welcome to
stay here too, but this list is intended to be for established
unschoolers.~~~
Could you send me the links or names of those groups as I have not been able
to find them in doing a search? I am already a member of unschoolingbasics
if this is one you were thinking of. I wasn't terribly sure which group to
post to. I will keep that in mind for future posts.
~~~Maybe find a girl who lives near you to come and play with him while
you're working so he doesn't take a nap. Are you "putting him down"
for a nap or does he just sleep when he's sleepy?~~~
There aren't any kids in the area that are old enough to watch him. I do
not "put him down for a nap," he lets me know when he is sleepy during the
day, we rock and he falls asleep. I then put him in "his" bed (twin next to
ours) and he sleeps as long or as little as he wants.
~~~He gets older every day. These problems will go away with time.
Can you let your home business go for a while and spend more time
with him? Needy children need more of mom, not less.~~~
I know this and thanks for the reminder. I only work on my home biz while
he sleeps during the day. Otherwise, I spend time with both boys as much as
possible. Maybe I do just need to let it go and spend more time with him
even during his naps and get some sleep as well.
Thanks,
Christy
In Gratitude,
Christy Putnam
Unschooling Mom to Aden (1) and Seth (11)
Loving wife of Chet (ann. 7/4/04)
Visit my blog &/or join my group:
<http://blog.myspace.com/personal_balance>
http://blog.myspace.com/personal_balance
<http://groups.myspace.com/unschoolingourfuture>
http://groups.myspace.com/unschoolingourfuture
"Go confidently in the direction of your
dreams. Live the life you have always
imagined." - Henry David Thoreau
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Christy Putnam
~~~One: are you talking to him and reminding him that a transition is coming
soon so he can internalize it? Let him know 15 min., 10, min, and 5 minutes
before you leave that you are going to leave and then give him something to
look forward to where you are going next. If it's home, remind him of
something he loves that is at home etc. I know he's little but so many
people underestimate their kids ability to understand and so they don't even
bother to try to reason with them or talk with them.~~~
As a matter of fact I haven't been consistent in doing this and I think it
is for the reason you stated. Thank you for reminding me!
~~~Two: What is in the kitchen that he cannot touch? Why not child proof the
kitchen? I still have plastic cups and bowls in a low cupboard. They've
been there since the kids were little because A. they couldn't break them if
they wanted to play with them. B. they could get them themselves without
climbing on the cupboard. The cupboards that had cleaning supplies in them
I put a child lock on or moved to a higher cupboard.~~~
we currently live with my fil and I have childproofed and moved everything I
can in this house. the kitchen is pretty much off-limits as there isn't
much room to move things where they are at a safe distance nor is my fil
flexible enough to have things moved around. we have our half of the house
(living room, bathroom and 2 bedrooms) that he can go but the areas that are
my fil's domain are not to be touched. I would love to have a cupboard for
him, I had one for Seth when he was little (in our own place). The thing
he gravitates to in the kitchen is the stove.
~~~It also sounds like he doesn't feel listened to. I know that people have
different levels of interpersonal skill but if you are paying close
attention to him, you should see the signs of neediness before it becomes a
full blown temper tantrum. Let him stand on a chair and help you do some
things that are safe. Playing in the sink was always a favorite or washing
lettuce or potatoes or something.~~~
It may sound like I am shooting down your ideas here but I really wish it
were possible to implement these things. The kitchen is so very small that
having a chair out by the sink would block access to the fridge and actually
access to the sink for me. This is why I have tried using the carrier (hip
carry position) so he can help do things but he just wants down. maybe I
just need to figure out how to get dinner made without being in the kitchen
for very long at a time?
~~~I remember my sil's kids throwing huge tempter tantrums and she would
give
them a time out or a swat and it drove me NUTS because you could see the kid
asking politely for attention a million times before he had a fit.~~~
this sounds like my sisters, sad but true.
~~~Some kids just need a lot of time in arms too and just because you feel
like you've held them all day doesn't mean that they feel like they've had
enough.~~~
this is why I got the carrier, thinking it would help but so far he hasn't
wanted to be in it much. I am thinking about taking walks in the evening
with him in the carrier (as long as he wants to) so we can both get used to
it more.
~~OH, and one more thing. Stop counting how many hours of sleep you got. I
used to do that and it just set me up to have an excuse to get short
tempered when I got tired.~~~
It is not really the hours of sleep, it is the feeling of always being tired
and completely worn out due to lack of sleep. When I get quality sleep even
a couple of nites a week, I am fine but several nights/weeks of very little
are starting to take their toll.
~~~How much do you need the extra income from the
part time job? More than you need sleep? What can you live without to make
up for it?~~~
As far as needing the income, we are trying desperately to get out of debt
so we can get out of my fil's house and have our own. We have no "extras"
to cut out, believe me, I have tried and tried to figure out how to get out
of this house. I have also tried and tried to figure out how to change my
perspective about living here and make it more kid friendly but I am up
against a man who is set in his ways and thinks I am spoiling the kids and
not strict enough as it is.
I really appreciate the thoughts and ideas and I will try to implement them
as much as possible.
Thanks,
Christy
In Gratitude,
Christy Putnam
Unschooling Mom to Aden (1) and Seth (11)
Loving wife of Chet (ann. 7/4/04)
Visit my blog &/or join my group:
<http://blog.myspace.com/personal_balance>
http://blog.myspace.com/personal_balance
<http://groups.myspace.com/unschoolingourfuture>
http://groups.myspace.com/unschoolingourfuture
"Go confidently in the direction of your
dreams. Live the life you have always
imagined." - Henry David Thoreau
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
soon so he can internalize it? Let him know 15 min., 10, min, and 5 minutes
before you leave that you are going to leave and then give him something to
look forward to where you are going next. If it's home, remind him of
something he loves that is at home etc. I know he's little but so many
people underestimate their kids ability to understand and so they don't even
bother to try to reason with them or talk with them.~~~
As a matter of fact I haven't been consistent in doing this and I think it
is for the reason you stated. Thank you for reminding me!
~~~Two: What is in the kitchen that he cannot touch? Why not child proof the
kitchen? I still have plastic cups and bowls in a low cupboard. They've
been there since the kids were little because A. they couldn't break them if
they wanted to play with them. B. they could get them themselves without
climbing on the cupboard. The cupboards that had cleaning supplies in them
I put a child lock on or moved to a higher cupboard.~~~
we currently live with my fil and I have childproofed and moved everything I
can in this house. the kitchen is pretty much off-limits as there isn't
much room to move things where they are at a safe distance nor is my fil
flexible enough to have things moved around. we have our half of the house
(living room, bathroom and 2 bedrooms) that he can go but the areas that are
my fil's domain are not to be touched. I would love to have a cupboard for
him, I had one for Seth when he was little (in our own place). The thing
he gravitates to in the kitchen is the stove.
~~~It also sounds like he doesn't feel listened to. I know that people have
different levels of interpersonal skill but if you are paying close
attention to him, you should see the signs of neediness before it becomes a
full blown temper tantrum. Let him stand on a chair and help you do some
things that are safe. Playing in the sink was always a favorite or washing
lettuce or potatoes or something.~~~
It may sound like I am shooting down your ideas here but I really wish it
were possible to implement these things. The kitchen is so very small that
having a chair out by the sink would block access to the fridge and actually
access to the sink for me. This is why I have tried using the carrier (hip
carry position) so he can help do things but he just wants down. maybe I
just need to figure out how to get dinner made without being in the kitchen
for very long at a time?
~~~I remember my sil's kids throwing huge tempter tantrums and she would
give
them a time out or a swat and it drove me NUTS because you could see the kid
asking politely for attention a million times before he had a fit.~~~
this sounds like my sisters, sad but true.
~~~Some kids just need a lot of time in arms too and just because you feel
like you've held them all day doesn't mean that they feel like they've had
enough.~~~
this is why I got the carrier, thinking it would help but so far he hasn't
wanted to be in it much. I am thinking about taking walks in the evening
with him in the carrier (as long as he wants to) so we can both get used to
it more.
~~OH, and one more thing. Stop counting how many hours of sleep you got. I
used to do that and it just set me up to have an excuse to get short
tempered when I got tired.~~~
It is not really the hours of sleep, it is the feeling of always being tired
and completely worn out due to lack of sleep. When I get quality sleep even
a couple of nites a week, I am fine but several nights/weeks of very little
are starting to take their toll.
~~~How much do you need the extra income from the
part time job? More than you need sleep? What can you live without to make
up for it?~~~
As far as needing the income, we are trying desperately to get out of debt
so we can get out of my fil's house and have our own. We have no "extras"
to cut out, believe me, I have tried and tried to figure out how to get out
of this house. I have also tried and tried to figure out how to change my
perspective about living here and make it more kid friendly but I am up
against a man who is set in his ways and thinks I am spoiling the kids and
not strict enough as it is.
I really appreciate the thoughts and ideas and I will try to implement them
as much as possible.
Thanks,
Christy
In Gratitude,
Christy Putnam
Unschooling Mom to Aden (1) and Seth (11)
Loving wife of Chet (ann. 7/4/04)
Visit my blog &/or join my group:
<http://blog.myspace.com/personal_balance>
http://blog.myspace.com/personal_balance
<http://groups.myspace.com/unschoolingourfuture>
http://groups.myspace.com/unschoolingourfuture
"Go confidently in the direction of your
dreams. Live the life you have always
imagined." - Henry David Thoreau
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-~~~Also there are other lists that might help. One's about young
children, and one is for beginning unschoolers. You're welcome to
stay here too, but this list is intended to be for established
unschoolers.~~~
-=-Could you send me the links or names of those groups as I have not
been able
to find them in doing a search?-=-
I'm so sorry!
http://sandradodd.com/help
They're listed there.
Meant to leave a link.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
children, and one is for beginning unschoolers. You're welcome to
stay here too, but this list is intended to be for established
unschoolers.~~~
-=-Could you send me the links or names of those groups as I have not
been able
to find them in doing a search?-=-
I'm so sorry!
http://sandradodd.com/help
They're listed there.
Meant to leave a link.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Amy Bowers
While cooking we use a learning tower that works GREAT for our young
children. We give them the exact ingredients that we are using and lots of
impliments, tools, bowl etc. They cook too! At 18 mo my son would open tea
bags, peel garlic and joyfully taste all the bits and pieces we were
preparing. Try fully including him in cooking. Make simple meals, forget
about a mess and really explore WITH him. Put on fun music and have a glass
of wine and make it a party. Good luck!
Amy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
children. We give them the exact ingredients that we are using and lots of
impliments, tools, bowl etc. They cook too! At 18 mo my son would open tea
bags, peel garlic and joyfully taste all the bits and pieces we were
preparing. Try fully including him in cooking. Make simple meals, forget
about a mess and really explore WITH him. Put on fun music and have a glass
of wine and make it a party. Good luck!
Amy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-we currently live with my fil-=-
There are real requirements for unschooling to work (even though in
my opinion with a baby we're not talking about unschooling, really).
One is that the parents have a living space in which they can build
their unschooling nest, as it were. http://sandradodd.com/nest
When living in someone else's house, there are limits. If a
fundamentalist Christian family was living with me, they wouldn't be
spanking their kids, because it's my house. They would need to get
their own house before they could be washing ANY child's mouth out
with soap in a house belonging to someone who doesn't believe in it
and wants it to stop.
-=-. I would love to have a cupboard for
him-=-
You could have a cardboard box of toys especially for kitchen time,
maybe.
-=-his is why I have tried using the carrier (hip
carry position) so he can help do things but he just wants down. -=-
Maybe you can find a frame backpack. We used one up and got a second
one. That way the kids are tall and can see all around and can touch
you with their bellies and hands and you can talk to them and still
move both your arms fully.
-=-It is not really the hours of sleep, it is the feeling of always
being tired
and completely worn out due to lack of sleep. When I get quality
sleep even
a couple of nites a week, I am fine but several nights/weeks of very
little
are starting to take their toll.
-=-
Find tricks that work for you. Deep breathing and relaxation
exercises that you can do while you're doing other things could
help. Affirmations can help. You can find ways to perk up�washing
your face, maybe caffeine (or not, if you don't want that), singing,
brisk walks, humor... But in any case, feeling sorry for yourself
will make you more fatigued. Making excuses will make you feel put-
upon. I'm not saying there's nothing to feel sorry about, but in
each and every moment you have choices to make.
This might help:
http://sandradodd.com/choice
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
There are real requirements for unschooling to work (even though in
my opinion with a baby we're not talking about unschooling, really).
One is that the parents have a living space in which they can build
their unschooling nest, as it were. http://sandradodd.com/nest
When living in someone else's house, there are limits. If a
fundamentalist Christian family was living with me, they wouldn't be
spanking their kids, because it's my house. They would need to get
their own house before they could be washing ANY child's mouth out
with soap in a house belonging to someone who doesn't believe in it
and wants it to stop.
-=-. I would love to have a cupboard for
him-=-
You could have a cardboard box of toys especially for kitchen time,
maybe.
-=-his is why I have tried using the carrier (hip
carry position) so he can help do things but he just wants down. -=-
Maybe you can find a frame backpack. We used one up and got a second
one. That way the kids are tall and can see all around and can touch
you with their bellies and hands and you can talk to them and still
move both your arms fully.
-=-It is not really the hours of sleep, it is the feeling of always
being tired
and completely worn out due to lack of sleep. When I get quality
sleep even
a couple of nites a week, I am fine but several nights/weeks of very
little
are starting to take their toll.
-=-
Find tricks that work for you. Deep breathing and relaxation
exercises that you can do while you're doing other things could
help. Affirmations can help. You can find ways to perk up�washing
your face, maybe caffeine (or not, if you don't want that), singing,
brisk walks, humor... But in any case, feeling sorry for yourself
will make you more fatigued. Making excuses will make you feel put-
upon. I'm not saying there's nothing to feel sorry about, but in
each and every moment you have choices to make.
This might help:
http://sandradodd.com/choice
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Gold Standard
Hi Christy,
Your living situation is definitely a main issue here and needs to be
rethought, I think.
Fwiw, we lived with my fil for 3 months when my two oldest were 2 and 1 (15
years ago). I found that we primarily had to utilize our "private space" for
freedom, and I avoided the shared spaces as much as possible. I did it with
joy and fun and adventure, and my kids had no idea they were missing
anything like "dinner time". At 18 mo., maybe you don't have to make dinner
for anyone? Can you have this period of time be "serve yourself if you're
old enough" and you do the least amount of kitchen time while you're living
there? It sounds like your living situation is temporary (yay!), so maybe
you just need to rethink how to do things so that they are best for your
little guy. Include your 12 yo in the process too...see what he/she is
feeling and what may help them too.
I *hear* the internal struggle you seem to have...you want to have some
order and dependable time and that is interrupted by both your living
situation and your son's needs. If you could let every little thing go for a
moment in your mind...every expectation you have of yourself in the
day...and think about what your son's day would look like if it was all
about him...what would it look like? How can you make his life as close to
that as possible?
It's much easier to change your life than to change his. His needs are
definitive and absolute. Yours are really more of a convenience than a
necessity. Flexibility is a key.
Jacki, who is caught up on sleep except for when she and her wonderful
teenagers engage in their great love of late-night board games :oD
Definitely worth a little sleep deprivation
Your living situation is definitely a main issue here and needs to be
rethought, I think.
Fwiw, we lived with my fil for 3 months when my two oldest were 2 and 1 (15
years ago). I found that we primarily had to utilize our "private space" for
freedom, and I avoided the shared spaces as much as possible. I did it with
joy and fun and adventure, and my kids had no idea they were missing
anything like "dinner time". At 18 mo., maybe you don't have to make dinner
for anyone? Can you have this period of time be "serve yourself if you're
old enough" and you do the least amount of kitchen time while you're living
there? It sounds like your living situation is temporary (yay!), so maybe
you just need to rethink how to do things so that they are best for your
little guy. Include your 12 yo in the process too...see what he/she is
feeling and what may help them too.
I *hear* the internal struggle you seem to have...you want to have some
order and dependable time and that is interrupted by both your living
situation and your son's needs. If you could let every little thing go for a
moment in your mind...every expectation you have of yourself in the
day...and think about what your son's day would look like if it was all
about him...what would it look like? How can you make his life as close to
that as possible?
It's much easier to change your life than to change his. His needs are
definitive and absolute. Yours are really more of a convenience than a
necessity. Flexibility is a key.
Jacki, who is caught up on sleep except for when she and her wonderful
teenagers engage in their great love of late-night board games :oD
Definitely worth a little sleep deprivation
Diana Rosenfield
Haven't had time to read all the other responses so forgive any redundancy!
My kitchen is pretty safe, and maybe yours could be too. Giving him something he CAN play with may prevent him from finding things he can't. Ada likes pots, measuring cups, measuring spoons, wooden spatulas/spoons, a collander, etc
I don't have too much success babywearing in the kitchen either just because there isn't enough movement/action for Ada, since she got to be a toddler.
Diaper changes: when Ada started walking, she started hating lying down for a change. I have cloth dipes that snap on the sides. I started snapping them up first (or snapping one side) then sticking her legs through the holes while she is standing and pulling them up her. So if she is wet and running around, I get her to hold still standing up, unsnap and whip away the old dipe, wipe her with a washcloth, pull the new dipe up, and off she goes. She does not seem to mind being held still standing up, and I always talk to her while doing it. It has worked wonders! I do also EC, by the way ;-)
Leaving the park: It helps tremendously with my toddler to say, "we have to go home now. Say bye-bye to the swings," and let her pat the swings. When she says, "Swings!" in a longing voice, I say, "yes, you did some good swinging, didn't you? And you went down the red slide, and we had lots of fun doing . . . " etc. So we talk about having played as we walk to the car, and we say good-bye, and we might talk about where we're going next, or what fun toy is in the car to play with, or a snack or juice, etc.
Good luck!
Diana
Diana
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
My kitchen is pretty safe, and maybe yours could be too. Giving him something he CAN play with may prevent him from finding things he can't. Ada likes pots, measuring cups, measuring spoons, wooden spatulas/spoons, a collander, etc
I don't have too much success babywearing in the kitchen either just because there isn't enough movement/action for Ada, since she got to be a toddler.
Diaper changes: when Ada started walking, she started hating lying down for a change. I have cloth dipes that snap on the sides. I started snapping them up first (or snapping one side) then sticking her legs through the holes while she is standing and pulling them up her. So if she is wet and running around, I get her to hold still standing up, unsnap and whip away the old dipe, wipe her with a washcloth, pull the new dipe up, and off she goes. She does not seem to mind being held still standing up, and I always talk to her while doing it. It has worked wonders! I do also EC, by the way ;-)
Leaving the park: It helps tremendously with my toddler to say, "we have to go home now. Say bye-bye to the swings," and let her pat the swings. When she says, "Swings!" in a longing voice, I say, "yes, you did some good swinging, didn't you? And you went down the red slide, and we had lots of fun doing . . . " etc. So we talk about having played as we walk to the car, and we say good-bye, and we might talk about where we're going next, or what fun toy is in the car to play with, or a snack or juice, etc.
Good luck!
Diana
Diana
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
(http://us.lrd.yahoo.com/_ylc=X3oDMTJyNzhiYWg5BF9TAzk3MzU5NzE1BGdycElkAzQ0MTAyNTAEZ3Jwc3BJZAMxNjAwNTQyMTExBG1zZ0lkAzI2MTY5BHNlYwNkbXNnBHNsawN2bXNnBHN0aW1lA
zExNTE3MjY3OTk-;_ylg=1/SIG=11va7q9ga/**http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlwaysLea
rning/message/26169)
Christy,
I am a bit late on this however I wanted to offer a couple suggestions.
My children are 14, 6, 4 and 2 so I've been through some of what you explain
and one I just crossed over from:)..
Diaper changes being the first thought. Try changing him standing. I rarely
had the change struggle doing this. I watch parents trying to keep their kids
laying down and it's pure stress and really a parent/child struggle that's
unnecessary esp for boys..
As far as the kitchen it sounds that by implementing the "rules" in the
kitchen this may have created more of an issue. In our home nothing is off
limits. I understand you are not in your own home and that is a challenge for all
including your unschooling goal. By not creating rules to be challenged there
is less time spent trying to find out what all the fuss is about.
Off limits to a child can mean everything but do not touch. Their brains are
in explore mode, they want to know and see. I understand the carrier however
I doubt that it just being newly implemented is going to work. Being safe is
important though I also see it as confining a child who doesn't want to be
there. Weather it's a happy carrier or a leash/harness it's still a restraint
"IF" they are not wanting to be in it.
My Cameron is 26 mo now and we just passed the being one-to-all hurdle. I
DO remember trying to cook dinner while he wanted to be held or was fussy.
When my solutions failed I simply stopped making dinner until DH came home to
take over the cooking or the baby. Pre-cooking works too.
As for your sleep..zzz I do hear you also. I have four so the best way for
me to get what I need to get done and have that little more time with the
older's is to stay up later. I also have a business at home.. we raise and/or
breed 6 Brittany (spaniels), I do their shots, training, breeding, baths, food,
new customer interviews and pick up, web site design/photo's ,banking and so
on between the four kids and my DH wants /needs/hopes and dreams AND MINE. I
do what I can at night time. I also have a web site for unschooling and two
lists I maintain. So I hear you! If your business is helping your finances I
get that too. I realize there are people who put their money above their family
but when struggling to survive or get out of a hole it can be frustrating.
Do what you can in time the rest will come.
You said he drinks a bottle,, Can you offer the bottle to DH so you can do
the things to finalize the day?
Is it possible to stay up later? If you are still in bed in the am will the
18 mo old sleep longer?
In the end you are talking about an 18 mo and unschooling him. There are
many things that can follow(mock) unschooled parenting. You need to figure out
what works for this child.
I also know that unschooling in this situation mixed with the age may be
sending him mixed messages which I suspect is where you are getting an upset
child.
I wonder where the 11 yo comes into play? You didn't mention him?
Laura
UnschoolingMaine.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
zExNTE3MjY3OTk-;_ylg=1/SIG=11va7q9ga/**http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlwaysLea
rning/message/26169)
Christy,
I am a bit late on this however I wanted to offer a couple suggestions.
My children are 14, 6, 4 and 2 so I've been through some of what you explain
and one I just crossed over from:)..
Diaper changes being the first thought. Try changing him standing. I rarely
had the change struggle doing this. I watch parents trying to keep their kids
laying down and it's pure stress and really a parent/child struggle that's
unnecessary esp for boys..
As far as the kitchen it sounds that by implementing the "rules" in the
kitchen this may have created more of an issue. In our home nothing is off
limits. I understand you are not in your own home and that is a challenge for all
including your unschooling goal. By not creating rules to be challenged there
is less time spent trying to find out what all the fuss is about.
Off limits to a child can mean everything but do not touch. Their brains are
in explore mode, they want to know and see. I understand the carrier however
I doubt that it just being newly implemented is going to work. Being safe is
important though I also see it as confining a child who doesn't want to be
there. Weather it's a happy carrier or a leash/harness it's still a restraint
"IF" they are not wanting to be in it.
My Cameron is 26 mo now and we just passed the being one-to-all hurdle. I
DO remember trying to cook dinner while he wanted to be held or was fussy.
When my solutions failed I simply stopped making dinner until DH came home to
take over the cooking or the baby. Pre-cooking works too.
As for your sleep..zzz I do hear you also. I have four so the best way for
me to get what I need to get done and have that little more time with the
older's is to stay up later. I also have a business at home.. we raise and/or
breed 6 Brittany (spaniels), I do their shots, training, breeding, baths, food,
new customer interviews and pick up, web site design/photo's ,banking and so
on between the four kids and my DH wants /needs/hopes and dreams AND MINE. I
do what I can at night time. I also have a web site for unschooling and two
lists I maintain. So I hear you! If your business is helping your finances I
get that too. I realize there are people who put their money above their family
but when struggling to survive or get out of a hole it can be frustrating.
Do what you can in time the rest will come.
You said he drinks a bottle,, Can you offer the bottle to DH so you can do
the things to finalize the day?
Is it possible to stay up later? If you are still in bed in the am will the
18 mo old sleep longer?
In the end you are talking about an 18 mo and unschooling him. There are
many things that can follow(mock) unschooled parenting. You need to figure out
what works for this child.
I also know that unschooling in this situation mixed with the age may be
sending him mixed messages which I suspect is where you are getting an upset
child.
I wonder where the 11 yo comes into play? You didn't mention him?
Laura
UnschoolingMaine.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-In the end you are talking about an 18 mo and unschooling him.
There are
many things that can follow(mock) unschooled parenting. You need to
figure out
what works for this child.-=-
With an 18 month old the most we can really be talking about is
attachment parenting, mindful parenting. No jurisdiction requires
school of an 18 month old, so he's not "not in school," he's home
with his mom.
Let's not talk about mock unschooling, though. Let's talk about
unschooling.
I think the AlwaysUnschooled list or an attachment parenting list
would be more appropriate for questions about babies. Yes, we've all
had babies, but ther are other things we've all known and done that
aren't appropriate to an unschooling discussion too, so I'm
uncomfortable going more deeplyinto toddler details.
The principles, though, we could discuss. Parents can't make
decisions about parenting if the space isn't theirs. When they're in
imperfect surroundings, the children will need more one-on-one, more
touch, more escape (take them out of the house and get in neutral
territory more) than they would need if the house was really, truly
theirs.
Maybe that's a better thing to discuss.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
There are
many things that can follow(mock) unschooled parenting. You need to
figure out
what works for this child.-=-
With an 18 month old the most we can really be talking about is
attachment parenting, mindful parenting. No jurisdiction requires
school of an 18 month old, so he's not "not in school," he's home
with his mom.
Let's not talk about mock unschooling, though. Let's talk about
unschooling.
I think the AlwaysUnschooled list or an attachment parenting list
would be more appropriate for questions about babies. Yes, we've all
had babies, but ther are other things we've all known and done that
aren't appropriate to an unschooling discussion too, so I'm
uncomfortable going more deeplyinto toddler details.
The principles, though, we could discuss. Parents can't make
decisions about parenting if the space isn't theirs. When they're in
imperfect surroundings, the children will need more one-on-one, more
touch, more escape (take them out of the house and get in neutral
territory more) than they would need if the house was really, truly
theirs.
Maybe that's a better thing to discuss.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]