Where is the edge of unschooling?
"Unschooling didn't blossom until I stepped away from traditional
parenting."
Mercedes / mulwiler
on the UnschoolingDiscussion list
SandraDodd wrote at [email protected]:
If a family shows up here who's still doing school at home and wants to
unschool, maybe the talk about food and chores and bedtimes is just going to
overwhelm and confuse them. Because there CAN be unschooling in a family
where kids
also have chores and bedtimes and have to clean their plates. I don't
personally think it will have the depth or benefit, ultimately, as a house
where
the children's preferences and freedoms have high priority, but it could
still
absolutely be, in homeschooling terms, unschooling.
Jacqueline (Ivorygrace7...) responded:
I think this is a good point, and something I had been wondering about. We
have unschooled for the past five years. My children had no assigned academic work;
no TV, computer, or video game rules; and in general did what they wanted to
when they wanted to. But they did have chores, and they did have regular meal
and snack times and no food in between, and they did have bedtimes.
On the other hand, after being on this list for only a few days, I started to get the
point of doing away with bedtimes, food control, and chores. I saw the whole
picture and respect my children a lot more because of it. We no longer have
assigned chores and surprise, surprise, my children often are willing to help out
anyways. We no longer have any food controls, and I ask my children what they
would like before I go to the grocery store, and believe it or not, I think
they eat healthier than before. We no longer have bedtimes, and the kids do
stay up a lot later than they used to, and they're sometimes too noisy even when
I tell them that I'm trying to rest, but this is still new to them, and I
think they'll settle down after a while when they trust the situation more.
I think it's great that all these topics were discussed on this list. This
is a great place for other unschoolers like myself to see that there can be
so much more to unschooling than just not doing formal academics.
A mom on a discussion list had questions, and Robyn Coburn gave these inspiring answers:
Q:I have been reading more on unschooling and I keep getting "stuck" on
the whole no limitations or restrictions on food, tv, video games,
computer time, bedtimes, participation in chores, etc. After
reading some of the opinions/interpretations of other unschoolers I
have become almost leary of using the term to describe what we do.
So my question....are you an unschooler if you DO have guidelines on
these issues?????
Technically, Unschooling is simply "not doing school" - trusting that your
children will learn all they need from living a life of engaging in their
interests.
If you don't want to Radically or Whole Life Unschool, then don't - no one
is going to send the goon squad over to your house to insist that you drop
all restrictions, or even that you ease your restrictions gently. However,
we might suggest this as a way to greater joy and partnership with your
children, instead of continuing to live in an adversarial manner with them,
even if it is only mildly adversarial.
I would encourage you to do more reading about living by Principles instead
of rules, and especially to read at www.sandradodd.com/unschooling and
http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/
One major foundation of Unschooling is the Principle of Trust. Unschooling
will never be as sparkling and joyful and transcendently brilliant while you
are only prepared to trust your children as long as they are making the same
choices that you would make on their behalf. What you are then depriving
them and yourself of are the startlingly brilliant, extraordinary, more
creative choices that they would make for themselves, when they are able to
be the fully autonomous arbiters of their own learning and managers of their
own time.
Whilever you are the person deciding which of their needs or interests is
worthy of fulfilling, you are depriving them of the opportunity to fully
know themselves.
Q:We do alot of things together as a family because
it's just what we do...we don't offer them the choice to not
participate with family/household responsibilites - it's not really
questioned, it's just what we do.
By relinquishing the desire to control, you help your child onto the path of
living mindfully themselves, making choices and decisions mindfully and
deliberately, instead of reactively.
How would you react if the lack of choice *were* to be questioned one day?
Would your subsequent actions be likely to enhance or detract from your
relationship with your children?
You are assuming that given the choice the children would never choose to
help. The lists are full of stories of children spontaneously helping, doing
unasked cleaning or tidying as gifts for their parents, doing *more* than
the children with externally directed chores ever offer or do.
Q:The tv does not stay on all
day...I really haven't felt at this point like I have to RESTRICT
their tv watching because there is typically something more
interesting for them to do but it does go off after our rather late
breakfasts. BUT if they did decide that ALL they wanted to do ALL
day EVERY day was watch tv.....I would have a problem with that. (I
can't really see that happening but...)
It happens here sometimes, and then it doesn't sometimes. I make no rules,
give no directives, although I do remind her of other things that might be
available in the smorgasbord of activities. My dd gets to choose what
activities are of value *to her*. Sometimes that includes a lot of tv. Then
she is done for a while. I Trust her to know her own desires. I verbally and
physically appreciate her enthusiasm and joy in her chosen love of the
moment.
Switch it around a bit with different words:
"But if they did decide that ALL they wanted to do ALL day EVERY day was
read books"...
"But if they did decide that ALL they wanted to do ALL day EVERY day was
Dig in the garden"....
"But if they did decide that ALL they wanted to do ALL day EVERY day was
Play their violins"...
"But if they did decide that ALL they wanted to do ALL day EVERY day was
Ride their horse"...
"But if they did decide that ALL they wanted to do ALL day EVERY day was
Swim"....
The fact is that even if it is ALL they want to do for ALL day EVERY day, it
will still be temporary; EVERY day would still not last forever. It would be
a temporary need being fulfilled. Discovering and facilitating the
children's passions is another tentpole of Unschooling practice. A child
discovering something that they *want* every day is cause for celebration.
The only way to know if your children genuinely, truly want to do the other
activities is if they have the option to choose not to do them. They can
only choose to switch it off when they have the option to leave it on.
Q:The girls don't choose when
they go bed. We don't have a "set" bedtime...it flexes depending on
what time they got up, what we're doing the next day and how early we
have to get up and how everyone is acting and feeling. Ultimately
though, when it's time...it's time. Once again, it's not typically
questioned because they're tired and we have a nice routine that we
follow and they share a bed/bedroom so they chit chat and do shadow
puppets,etc. BUT if they decided that they wanted to stay up till 11
or 12 or later....well, I don't consider that an option for a 7 and 5
year old.
Certainly there is no need to fix what isn't broken, or borrow trouble from
a currently non-existent future scenario.
However what I would encourage you to think about is just how arbitrary the
times are that you mention. There is nothing magical about any particular
hour on the clock, especially if the next day is fluid. Some children are
naturally night owls, even when they are 7 and 5. Some are going to be early
rising morning people for their entire lives. What is important is
understanding and facilitating everyone's needs as much as is possible. At
present it seems like everyone's needs are being met. Things can change,
which is one reason why Principles work better in Unschooling, than rules or
dictates.
Every time you feel the urge to control a choice, you can ask yourself
"why?" and begin to question the assumptions (or fears) about children,
parenting, learning and living joyfully that you are holding on to.
Intentions matter. Guidance offered from the place of partnership and Trust
has a different feeling, avoids rebellion, and is just plain less focused on
the trivial. Guidance means optional acceptance instead of mandatory
compliance. Guidance means parents being safety nets, not trap doors or
examiners. Guidance facilitates mindfulness. Directives shut it down, and
may even foster resentment instead.
The idea of Unschooling is for parents to be the facilitators of options,
the openers of doors, the creators of environments of freedom, and the
guardians of choice, not the installers of roadblocks and barriers.
Unschoolers are making the huge and wonderful choice to renounce our legal
entitlements to be the authoritarian controllers of our children's lives,
and instead choose to be their partners.
Robyn L. Coburn
More on options
and choices...
and the idea of "have to"
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