All In - Jen Keefe
Jen Keefe wrote this at Radical Unschooling Discussion, in response to a mom who was frustrated with her children and didn't like to be with them all the time. There's a link below, bac to that discussion. I hope it's still there. Jen's response, though, can stand alone.
I fought motherhood for a long time. What helped me settle in and fall in love with this life and in practical love with my kids was going all in. I read here frequently. I tried. I watched. What I mean though is I went all in with my kids.
I stopped thinking I deserved a break. I stopped looking at our life through a lens that did not apply to us. (I learned how to do that by reading here.) I stopped believing that the way I grew up determined how my family would live together. I stopped seeing parenting as something I "do" and starting living life with my kids. Like, really living life. What schedules worked for us? What kind of food made sense for us? What kinds of things could I bring into our home that all three of us liked to do? What excited my kids and me so that we could leave home when one of us needed it?
I stopped overthinking and paid attention to what felt good in the moment. I noticed what made each individual feel peaceful and which activities had us peaceful together. Were particular times of day harder? I started to think about what could be done to ease that. Time alone? A movie? An ice cream? A walk? Popcorn popped on the stove without a lid?
I DEFINITELY started making choices (again, I learned this from reading here.) In fact, when Sandra talked about not choosing adoption at this point I felt something settle inside. I really love that idea. There really are always choices. It's incredibly empowering to understand that.
I abandoned the stuff I thought we "had" to do and disrupted our peace and filled it with stuff that made us happy. This was all one little choice, in the moment, at a time.
The healing and affect this has had on both my husband and me is immeasurable. Being the parent to my kids that I needed when I was younger has wrapped my own self in a comfort I never got to have before.
That said, you may not be able to get there. A lot of people cannot, I bet. It's a lot of work. A lot of reading. A lot of trying. A lot of watching. Loving, being loved, and existing in the relationship that comes from living this way is vulnerable, unfamiliar, and scary for those of us who have not known it before.
It may seem like this answer does not address your question. I really think it does. If you really want to live this way with your family, you have a resource here that has changed many families and brought them to a peace and enjoyment they didn't know existed- my family included. But don't do this for some reason that does not make sense for you. Personally, I believe it's better to take Sandra's thought, send the kids to school for free babysitting, and be more present with them when they are with you than to create a total shit show by half-ass Unschooling (which there is no such thing as). Personally, I believe that would be better for any relationship.
From my own experience though, I suspect choosing that option will not bring you the result you think it will. I bet instead it would make you want more and more time away from your kids and for them to be occupied for more hours a day than just school. Maybe that's projection on my part though, which is why I started this response with my experience of going all in. Anything less than that would have continued us down the path of me wanting to escape my kids.
I guess the thing is, it seems to me, we can't really get to know our kids if we are constantly distancing ourselves. So how can you make a fair assessment of whether you like being around them until you know them? (That's rhetorical and based on my experience. I am not suggesting I know how well you know your kids.)
Original, at facebook, December 29, 2019
Also by Jen Keefe:
Following their Interests
Being with kids (really being)
Learning to make better choices
More of Jen Keefe
