vandana.purohit@...

my son will be six in march..  i read cont concept during pregnancy and felt very much at ease in mothering for the first few years.. then tv and food fears crept in me.. and i felt icky as i grew more and more to be a police.  i was allowing son to be in all these other wonderful ways..trusting in his wisdom and goodness.. but not with TV and food. i noticed setting limits was not fun..and was rather disconnecting. but everyone does it and i just continued..somewhere in the grey area (no consequences or conditions..but sharing my concerns to explain why this is enough, etc).  so i started looking at my way of being with son. how it made me feel..and.questioning my fears.. and came to unschooling..the radical kind, which resonates deeply with me. it's going back to the continuum.


However, my husband is at odds with this.. says i'm being brainwashed reading all these books/blogs/videos i immersed myself in.  While husband does have a lot of issues with school..he is not sure about unschooling..and the  radical part..the trusting a child part..is too much for him.  


In some ways my husband is a natural unschooler.. he doesn't try to teach son things..he just hangs out with son..  but he does control (as did I)..because he feels son is too small to understand his own limits.. and he doesn't want him to get cavities..which is something he wont know about till it's too late..  TV, food, sleep (wow all the usuals lol) and grooming.  his approach is to tell son what he needs to do ("alright that's enough tv (or sweet treat)", repeating things like "brush your teeth ", "wash your hands" to deaf ears...son will be playing and just not interested). 


I'm of course even more aware now of when husband does these things..as i became aware of all the ways iin which i controlled and have been dropping them/easing out of them.  i told my son about tv..that i was thinking a lot about it.. and that maybe i was wrong about my worries.  just to offer him something since i'm saying yes now to all his requests.   so i'm working to drop my fears which were leading me to control son..and yet i'm back in fear again.. now for not being in sync with husband and therefore not able to give our son the greatest gift of.trust. robbing him of it.  that's my alarmist mind.  well it makes me sad and fearful that husband and i arent' on the same page. and confused in various situations. 


But..I'd like to unschool my husband too. partnership marriage is as important as partnership parenting.  I have shared some things about unschooling with my husband.. an article here..a video there.. However, i "fear" it's only made him feel more averse to my new ways of being with son (ie. saying yes to tv, not limiting certain foods, etc).  i know it feels quite radical to him.. and i wonder if i should have shared anything at all..sort of wish i hadn't at this early stage. 


Recently son wanted to watch more tv at night but husband said he'd watched enough and said no more.  during day i allow son to watch..i've let go of limits.. so then son came to me.   i wanted to let him..i didnt want to do it behind husbands back..i didnt want to diishonor husband's wishes/needs..but i knew it would upset him. so i told my son that dad is feeling a bit worried about too much tv like i used to...then i put it on for son.  i was not sure what to say..i felt really icky. i think i could have said that dad and i are working on this .. we haven't come to an agreement.. but i understand his worries.  how about you watch a little? argh i dont know. 


How do i do this?  i'm thinking have convo with husband like "i can see why you feel limits are needed...and yet i really see the value of trusting a child..'  what can we do?   but somehow i dont think he's in a place to answer this in a partnership way... 


 i feel like "uggh" when husband controls food..says that's enough.. continues to ask son to wash hands (from any normal outing)..   rarther than go to him and give him information/share concerns he'll just say wash hands.. it's sad cause son doesn't listen to him and i'm just so aware of all these disconnecting ways of being with child..in order to control. d..it's just hard to watch. i really want to share a wonderful video of Dayna Martin talking about unschooling.. i feel (or maybe hope) it could inspire husband.  

but.. perhaps i should hold off on sharing anything unschooling for now.  Any suggestions? how can i parent son respectfully while also respecting husband who is just not there yet?   Thanks for any support!


Regards,

Vandana

Sandra Dodd

For unschooling to work well, it needs to be done by a solid family. You can’t unschool against your husband’s will without risking the marriage, and divorce usually leads to school.
You can’t unschool well with another adult thwarting and criticizing what you’re doing.

Bottom line is that you might not be able to unschool.

But the surest way to eventually get to that, maybe, is by backing away and being great with your husband instead.

-=- i'm back in fear again.. now for not being in sync with husband and therefore not able to give our son the greatest gift of.trust. robbing him of it. that's my alarmist mind. -=-

You’ve created a set of words that make you emotional and alarmed! Don’t think of robbing him of the greatest gift. Rhetoric is kicking your ass. You’re brainwashing your own self. :-)

So back own, and be sweet but not divisive, and perhaps you’ll be able to advise others as you learn more so that they won’t go years without communicating clearly and openly with their partner and getting agreement all along the way.

-=- i told my son about tv..that i was thinking a lot about it.. and that maybe i was wrong about my worries. just to offer him something since i'm saying yes now to all his requests. -=-

Be your husband’s partner first.
The risk is real. He could get a new partner, and you might get a new partner, and your son would have FOUR parents, and if two can’t agree, four will never even come close.

http://sandradodd.com/divorce
Read around there and follow the links to the article on partnerships.

Sandra

Alex & Brian Polikowsky




 

<<<<>>>>>>my son will be six in march..  i read cont concept during pregnancy ........... it's going back to the continuum.>>>>>>>>>

I read the Continuum Concept and I do not think that it is a good book for Unschoolers. Although there are some interesting romanticized similar parenting approaches to unschooling it is also the opposite in many ways and not even accurate from the anthropology studies of tribes like the one pictured in the book. I have also seen many parents who have come to unschooling , may having read the book , and thinking unschooling is like letting kids run amok and unsupervised and not guided in the least.
I wrote this awhile ago because of that:

http://sandradodd.com/misconceptions

<<<>>>>>>>>he is not sure about unschooling..and the  radical part..the trusting a child part..is too much for him.  >>>>>>>>>>>


And it maybe because you are very excited telling him about unschooling and how kids grow up with no limits and eating and doing whatever they want. It is hard to get unschooling and even harder to explain well to someone. I have been there. I have been the one saying things that sounded crazy and scary to a parent that loves his child. It shows he cares. 
Stop for a minute , take a huge step back. Have you been focusing on learning and joy and not what it sounds like a free for all? Refer back to the link above.
Maybe you are scaring him. Go slow. Even for kids you should be moving towards UnschoolingNE g thoughtfully and not doing what you do not understand. Don't leave your husband behind.

Gradual changes - read this link:


Alex Polikowsky 


In some ways my husband is a natural unschooler.. he doesn't try to teach son things..he just hangs out with son..  but he does control (as did I)..because he feels son is too small to understand his own limits.. and he doesn't want him to get cavities..which is something he wont know about till it's too late..  TV, food, sleep (wow all the usuals lol) and grooming.  his approach is to tell son what he needs to do ("alright that's enough tv (or sweet treat)", repeating things like "brush your teeth ", "wash your hands" to deaf ears...son will be playing and just not interested). 


I'm of course even more aware now of when husband does these things..as i became aware of all the ways iin which i controlled and have been dropping them/easing out of them.  i told my son about tv..that i was thinking a lot about it.. and that maybe i was wrong about my worries.  just to offer him something since i'm saying yes now to all his requests.   so i'm working to drop my fears which were leading me to control son..and yet i'm back in fear again.. now for not being in sync with husband and therefore not able to give our son the greatest gift of.trust. robbing him of it.  that's my alarmist mind.  well it makes me sad and fearful that husband and i arent' on the same page. and confused in various situations. 


But..I'd like to unschool my husband too. partnership marriage is as important as partnership parenting.  I have shared some things about unschooling with my husband.. an article here..a video there.. However, i "fear" it's only made him feel more averse to my new ways of being with son (ie. saying yes to tv, not limiting certain foods, etc).  i know it feels quite radical to him.. and i wonder if i should have shared anything at all..sort of wish i hadn't at this early stage. 


Recently son wanted to watch more tv at night but husband said he'd watched enough and said no more.  during day i allow son to watch..i've let go of limits.. so then son came to me.   i wanted to let him..i didnt want to do it behind husbands back..i didnt want to diishonor husband's wishes/needs..but i knew it would upset him. so i told my son that dad is feeling a bit worried about too much tv like i used to...then i put it on for son.  i was not sure what to say..i felt really icky. i think i could have said that dad and i are working on this .. we haven't come to an agreement.. but i understand his worries.  how about you watch a little? argh i dont know. 


How do i do this?  i'm thinking have convo with husband like "i can see why you feel limits are needed...and yet i really see the value of trusting a child..'  what can we do?   but somehow i dont think he's in a place to answer this in a partnership way... 


 i feel like "uggh" when husband controls food..says that's enough.. continues to ask son to wash hands (from any normal outing)..   rarther than go to him and give him information/share concerns he'll just say wash hands.. it's sad cause son doesn't listen to him and i'm just so aware of all these disconnecting ways of being with child..in order to control. d..it's just hard to watch. i really want to share a wonderful video of Dayna Martin talking about unschooling.. i feel (or maybe hope) it could inspire husband.  

but.. perhaps i should hold off on sharing anything unschooling for now.  Any suggestions? how can i parent son respectfully while also respecting husband who is just not there yet?   Thanks for any support!


Regards,

Vandana

Sandra Dodd

-=-Meant to say "So back down, and be sweet..."
Sorry about the typo.

Creating an "us vs. them" when one parent and one child set against the other parent is antagonism and can't lead to peace.

Unschooling is a big deal and waiting until you can “afford” it (socially, emotionally, whatever the cost to your marriage might be) is really the only way to get there.
Think of it as buying a yacht. Maybe you’ll never be able to, but if you try to buy one behind your husband’s back, you still won’t have a yacht.
http://sandradodd.com/yacht

Sandra

Alex & Brian Polikowsky

.  


<>>>>>>>>€In some ways my husband is a natural unschooler.. he doesn't try to teach son things..he just hangs out with son..  but he does control (as did I)..because he feels son is too small to understand his own limits.. and he doesn't want him to get cavities..which is something he wont know about till it's too late..  TV, food, sleep (wow all the usuals lol) and grooming.  his approach is to tell son what he needs to do ("alright that's enough tv (or sweet treat)", repeating things like "brush your teeth ", "wash your hands" to deaf ears...son will be playing and just not interested). >>>>>>>>>

Can you gently take care of that?
My son did not mind me brushing his teeth while he was playing or at 6 I could bring him the toothpaste and toothbrush and he would use it where he was. There are also other ways to entice toothbrushing. Help you son to brush at night.
Use some hand wipes (baby wipes work great) or hand sanitizer. 
Gently step in and help.  Tell your son to do it after he is done playing and help him. 

<<<<<>>>.  i told my son about tv..that i was thinking a lot about it.. and that maybe i was wrong about my worries. >>>>>>>>


You should have said yes more instead of trying to explain why it is now okay to watch as much TV as he wants. That can be confusing. Refer to the link on Gradual Change.

I

 <<<>>>>>>>>>>just to offer him something since i'm saying yes now to all his requests.   >>>>>>>>>>


ALL his requests??? All of them?? Every single one?
That seems unrealistic. If you think you "have to" say yes to all his requests no wonder your husband is scared.

Here some more links that may help you have a clearer picture of saying yes, have tos and saying no.



http://sandradodd.com/haveto

<>>>>>>>>But..I'd like to unschool my husband too. partnership marriage is as important as partnership parenting.  >>>>>


Here some more that will help you apply the same principles of unschooling towards your partner

Alex Polikowsky

vandana.purohit@...

Thank you for all the links and resources. I was reading them and letting it all digest.  Very inspiring about partners and spouses.  I have a lot of letting go to do.  

ALex regarding the yes/nos/ and have tos.. they mostly inspire me to say yes more.  Yes, i was saying yes much more.. to TV.  Now i'm trying to say yes within boundaries set by my husband.. wanting to take care of him.  

I am a bit confused in what to say to my son though at times.  I"m looking at my husband's comfort zone..and this is now boundary.. in which i'm choosing to say Yes. ..i'm working to be pre-emptive..  "hey let's do this now" or "yes let's watch tv upstairs after brushing our teeth."  other times.. i'm not able to pre-empt..and then i'm confused.   For instance.. my husband really wants son to go to his coop which is just twice a week.  for a while son was losing interest.. probably because of me, and getting excited about staying home.  not that i swayed him consciously..but perhaps when i began saying yes more to his requests to watch tv. (

anyway.. husband really wants him to go and told me to be firm.  i told him we had to go and he put up a big fight.  i told him we're going..i said it's because i choose to go.  he wanted to know why and i told him daddy and i talked and we want to help you to enjoy the coop and give it a chance.   while i did'tn want to say this..i chose to say it to honor my husband.  it was very tough..painful.  sometimes what you 'choose' to do can be.  we made it through. once i got him in the car, i listened more, validated, and came to the suggestion that i'll stay there for a while and when i leave, if he doesn't want to stay he can leave with me. 

we were joking by the end.. i stayed a while and then left without him..he didn't want to leave. but man on that day that felt tough. what did i get myself into doing this? well..you see i got inspired reading about unschooling. 

Alex, when i say it reminded me of the continuum..i mean the part about Allowing others to be. that was the essence i got out of it.   when i dropped the policing.. it felt refreshing to allow son to be in every way.  and yes i was involved.. after reading Pam's Free To Learn, Rue Kream's raising free child..i get the involvement part.  Son and i were having fun, bonding. but i wasn't taking husband into consideration..i was thoughtless.  now i'm doing a work around...   but i get to keep what i learned and say yes and bond within our boundaries, which too is a gift. 




 

Sandra Dodd

If your child is in a co-op (classes? Homeschooling co-op?) that’s not unschooling, right? Unless it’s something very non-academic he chose for himself, and even then…. if the other adults are teacherly, it will work against your family’s progress toward unschooling, toward deschooling, toward seeing how learning CAN happen if and when the adults stop trying to teach or manage thought and input.

I provided LOTS of experiences and input for my kids. Tons. But I wasn’t deciding in advance what the right response to it was. I knew that engagement would be learning, even if they weren’t “reciting” or reporting right then. Sometimes it took years for something to tie in with other things.

Schoolishness expects the reports and results to show eaach six or nine or twelve weeks. :-)

Sandra