Uplifting surprises about teens
Sandra Dodd
This morning I added something by Karen James, to this page on teens:
http://sandradodd.com/teens/
While I was in there, I cleaned up format a bit (it’s an oler page), and repaired and removed some links in pages that led to. Because of that, I had two things to say here. Three, counting the announcement that there’s something new and nice.
First (second), I know the page isn’t “mobile friendly” but I don’t much care. If you’re on a phone and you don’t see something by Karen James up top, it’s a signal that you might want to use a tablet or a real computer to access the 2,000+ pages on my site.
Second (lastly), I’m hoping people who didn’t have teens until the past year or few might have a brief story to share (or longer, that’s fine) for readers of this group, or that I might lift and add there, too.
It is easy to fear teen years, for several reasons, but the reassurances of parents of teens can shed light on the path ahead, for those with younger children.
http://sandradodd.com/teens/
(If I change the background color, the trees at the bottom won’t look so much like they are sunlit by low sun beneath a cloud cover. Or Dayglo, whichever you might think they resemble. :-) )
If I revise all my old pages to look like modern, stark, phone-friendly pages, it might be like a town tearing down all their slightly-dated buildings before they can become interesting antiques.
SandrA
http://sandradodd.com/teens/
While I was in there, I cleaned up format a bit (it’s an oler page), and repaired and removed some links in pages that led to. Because of that, I had two things to say here. Three, counting the announcement that there’s something new and nice.
First (second), I know the page isn’t “mobile friendly” but I don’t much care. If you’re on a phone and you don’t see something by Karen James up top, it’s a signal that you might want to use a tablet or a real computer to access the 2,000+ pages on my site.
Second (lastly), I’m hoping people who didn’t have teens until the past year or few might have a brief story to share (or longer, that’s fine) for readers of this group, or that I might lift and add there, too.
It is easy to fear teen years, for several reasons, but the reassurances of parents of teens can shed light on the path ahead, for those with younger children.
http://sandradodd.com/teens/
(If I change the background color, the trees at the bottom won’t look so much like they are sunlit by low sun beneath a cloud cover. Or Dayglo, whichever you might think they resemble. :-) )
If I revise all my old pages to look like modern, stark, phone-friendly pages, it might be like a town tearing down all their slightly-dated buildings before they can become interesting antiques.
SandrA
Sandra Dodd
I have an anonymous response, about teens:
__________________
My kids, who are 15 and 13 and starting their eighth year of unschooling, are happy, wonderful, and pleasant to be around. They are respectful to each other and to everyone they encounter. There is virtually no conflict among the three of us, and I sometimes jokingly ask when they are going to become rebellious. But there's not much to rebel against, since I have always given them a ton of freedom and personal responsibility, and every one of my (few) rules has a good reason.
Instead of lording over them in an authoritarian way, I have always tried to treat them the way that I would treat a good friend. Numerous neighbors, coaches, friends, and family members have commented on how mature, polite, responsible, and enjoyable they are. So, yes, it is possible to have teens who are a pleasure to have around.
_______________
__________________
My kids, who are 15 and 13 and starting their eighth year of unschooling, are happy, wonderful, and pleasant to be around. They are respectful to each other and to everyone they encounter. There is virtually no conflict among the three of us, and I sometimes jokingly ask when they are going to become rebellious. But there's not much to rebel against, since I have always given them a ton of freedom and personal responsibility, and every one of my (few) rules has a good reason.
Instead of lording over them in an authoritarian way, I have always tried to treat them the way that I would treat a good friend. Numerous neighbors, coaches, friends, and family members have commented on how mature, polite, responsible, and enjoyable they are. So, yes, it is possible to have teens who are a pleasure to have around.
_______________
janine davies
My eldest son has just turned 14, and I too cannot believe the closeness and deep connection we share. It has totally surprised and delighted me, and it deeply calms and reassures me like nothing else.
Our family has still only been unschooling for just over 4 years, a comparatively short time really, but when I think back to what I used to believe the teen years would bring, what I was led to believe would happen and what to expect -- well it just couldn't be further from that.
One of the things that most stands out for me, is the deeper knowledge of each others humour, and the sharing of it with each other. We know each others humour so well, and to me that's a sign of true friendship.
Nothing makes me smile more than when my son proper laughs at a funny observation I make, or an impression of someone I do, or a throwaway sarky comment that only he picks up on. And to be sharing films and TV shows and you tubers with each other. It's the best feeling ever!
HE, has been making me laugh for years, but I was led to believe that would stop, I thought it would be shared with others and not with me anymore.
I thought the funny dancing and impressions and funny observations would be told and shown to his friends only. I know that has happened to all of my non unschooling friends with their teens. Some don't get more than a grunt or two in a day [☹]
I really love it when he shows me his favourite you tubers latest uploads, he cherry picks the ones that he knows will make me really laugh, and I do. [😊]
But he also knows the ones I might find offensive and/or upsetting and he tells me, "I won't show you this one mum I think it will upset you." I usually ask what it is about anyway, and when he tells me, almost every time I say yes, you're right, I wouldn't want to see that.
Two recent examples of the closeness and trust spring to mind.
One was that we sat down together to watch 'Friends' re-runs recently. I love friends, and he knows it, and although he sometimes says: Mum you're not watching friends again! He says it with a smile, and often sits with me and watches.
He finds it very funny for sure, but it feels more than that, and after the last few we watched together the other day, he came to me and said: "I really enjoyed watching friends with you the other day, I don't know what it was... it was just, it was just so nice! [😊]
The other lovely example happened just a couple of days ago:
I bought him a new Deadpool T shirt, and when I gave it to him he said quite pressingly "I really want you to watch Deadpool mum! I know you will like it, it's funny and it's a love story. Please will you watch it? I really want you to see it. Il watch with you, and il warn you when the really gory bits are coming up. I know you will love it!"
At that moment I realised how very important it was to him that I watch it, but mostly how very privileged I felt, and how very special it was, to have my 14 yr old son almost begging me to watch this really cool film with him!
Deadpool is his ultimate favourite character, and he saw the film when it first came out with his dad (whom he is extremely close to also) but ever since he saw it, and on regular occasions since, he would tell me that it's a really cool film mum, you should watch it.
It is how graphic it is, that has put me off for a while there, and he respects that, and he has mentioned a few times since seeing it just how graphic it is, and that I might find that tricky, so he felt torn I think.
But I also realised at the moment how much I trusted him, AND, more than that -- how much he wanted, and needed me to trust him!
So I did, I trusted that he knew me well enough to know which bits I would need his help with, and he did guide and warn me successfully around those bits. I could feel his pride that he did that, and I could feel how happy he was that I had trusted him.
And Im so glad he knew me well enough to know just how glad I would be that I watched it, because I loved it! It was so, SO funny, and such a sweet real love story. And of course it has now opened up that door for us, that he was so keen to be opened.
Since watching he has told me SO MUCH of his knowledge about the character, about how in the X-men film they messed it up, he has explained how long it has taken to get made and why? And how and why Ryan Reynolds is so invested in it.
We have now shared what our funniest and best bits are with each other, and I have looked up info and articles about Deadpool and Ryan Reynolds and shared it in a kind of 'I bet you knew this already, but guess what!' way. And now there is a joint (triple) excitement in the house about Deadpool 2!
He cared enough to pursue that, it was important to him to be able to share all that with me, and I got to see into the world of learning and discovery that he has been so delighted and engrossed in.
It's a very special, intimate and wonderful world I feel has been open up by unschooling, its like an exclusive club! How lucky are we!
I am so so glad we found this, I can only imagine how dark and awful it might have been.....
My son has some anxiety, and this has worsened some in the last year or so with the heavy dose of teen anxiety thats par for the course thrown in. But again, I am so relived that he is able to express it and deal with it safely in his own home, with us.
He always comes to me first for a cry and a big reassuring hug and a back rub, when he is upset. I have essential oils and breathing techniques on hand, and lots of yummy comforting foods to offer him. And Tea [😊]
Sometimes I just sit on the stairs outside the room he is in and breathe positivity and calmness for him. He regularly tells me how much he needs me here when he is upset, and how glad he is that I am, and that it helps him so much.
My advice would be to relax and enjoy it as much as you can, and be reassured by these stories being shared. If you are living with joy and peace as your guides, and with the most Joyful and peaceful choices you can possibly make, then there is nothing to fear it would seem, only wonderful surprises as you get even closer to your child day by day.
Janine x
________________________________
From: [email protected] <[email protected]> on behalf of Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]>
Sent: 13 September 2016 20:16:03
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Uplifting surprises about teens
I have an anonymous response, about teens:
__________________
My kids, who are 15 and 13 and starting their eighth year of unschooling, are happy, wonderful, and pleasant to be around. They are respectful to each other and to everyone they encounter. There is virtually no conflict among the three of us, and I sometimes jokingly ask when they are going to become rebellious. But there's not much to rebel against, since I have always given them a ton of freedom and personal responsibility, and every one of my (few) rules has a good reason.
Instead of lording over them in an authoritarian way, I have always tried to treat them the way that I would treat a good friend. Numerous neighbors, coaches, friends, and family members have commented on how mature, polite, responsible, and enjoyable they are. So, yes, it is possible to have teens who are a pleasure to have around.
_______________
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Our family has still only been unschooling for just over 4 years, a comparatively short time really, but when I think back to what I used to believe the teen years would bring, what I was led to believe would happen and what to expect -- well it just couldn't be further from that.
One of the things that most stands out for me, is the deeper knowledge of each others humour, and the sharing of it with each other. We know each others humour so well, and to me that's a sign of true friendship.
Nothing makes me smile more than when my son proper laughs at a funny observation I make, or an impression of someone I do, or a throwaway sarky comment that only he picks up on. And to be sharing films and TV shows and you tubers with each other. It's the best feeling ever!
HE, has been making me laugh for years, but I was led to believe that would stop, I thought it would be shared with others and not with me anymore.
I thought the funny dancing and impressions and funny observations would be told and shown to his friends only. I know that has happened to all of my non unschooling friends with their teens. Some don't get more than a grunt or two in a day [☹]
I really love it when he shows me his favourite you tubers latest uploads, he cherry picks the ones that he knows will make me really laugh, and I do. [😊]
But he also knows the ones I might find offensive and/or upsetting and he tells me, "I won't show you this one mum I think it will upset you." I usually ask what it is about anyway, and when he tells me, almost every time I say yes, you're right, I wouldn't want to see that.
Two recent examples of the closeness and trust spring to mind.
One was that we sat down together to watch 'Friends' re-runs recently. I love friends, and he knows it, and although he sometimes says: Mum you're not watching friends again! He says it with a smile, and often sits with me and watches.
He finds it very funny for sure, but it feels more than that, and after the last few we watched together the other day, he came to me and said: "I really enjoyed watching friends with you the other day, I don't know what it was... it was just, it was just so nice! [😊]
The other lovely example happened just a couple of days ago:
I bought him a new Deadpool T shirt, and when I gave it to him he said quite pressingly "I really want you to watch Deadpool mum! I know you will like it, it's funny and it's a love story. Please will you watch it? I really want you to see it. Il watch with you, and il warn you when the really gory bits are coming up. I know you will love it!"
At that moment I realised how very important it was to him that I watch it, but mostly how very privileged I felt, and how very special it was, to have my 14 yr old son almost begging me to watch this really cool film with him!
Deadpool is his ultimate favourite character, and he saw the film when it first came out with his dad (whom he is extremely close to also) but ever since he saw it, and on regular occasions since, he would tell me that it's a really cool film mum, you should watch it.
It is how graphic it is, that has put me off for a while there, and he respects that, and he has mentioned a few times since seeing it just how graphic it is, and that I might find that tricky, so he felt torn I think.
But I also realised at the moment how much I trusted him, AND, more than that -- how much he wanted, and needed me to trust him!
So I did, I trusted that he knew me well enough to know which bits I would need his help with, and he did guide and warn me successfully around those bits. I could feel his pride that he did that, and I could feel how happy he was that I had trusted him.
And Im so glad he knew me well enough to know just how glad I would be that I watched it, because I loved it! It was so, SO funny, and such a sweet real love story. And of course it has now opened up that door for us, that he was so keen to be opened.
Since watching he has told me SO MUCH of his knowledge about the character, about how in the X-men film they messed it up, he has explained how long it has taken to get made and why? And how and why Ryan Reynolds is so invested in it.
We have now shared what our funniest and best bits are with each other, and I have looked up info and articles about Deadpool and Ryan Reynolds and shared it in a kind of 'I bet you knew this already, but guess what!' way. And now there is a joint (triple) excitement in the house about Deadpool 2!
He cared enough to pursue that, it was important to him to be able to share all that with me, and I got to see into the world of learning and discovery that he has been so delighted and engrossed in.
It's a very special, intimate and wonderful world I feel has been open up by unschooling, its like an exclusive club! How lucky are we!
I am so so glad we found this, I can only imagine how dark and awful it might have been.....
My son has some anxiety, and this has worsened some in the last year or so with the heavy dose of teen anxiety thats par for the course thrown in. But again, I am so relived that he is able to express it and deal with it safely in his own home, with us.
He always comes to me first for a cry and a big reassuring hug and a back rub, when he is upset. I have essential oils and breathing techniques on hand, and lots of yummy comforting foods to offer him. And Tea [😊]
Sometimes I just sit on the stairs outside the room he is in and breathe positivity and calmness for him. He regularly tells me how much he needs me here when he is upset, and how glad he is that I am, and that it helps him so much.
My advice would be to relax and enjoy it as much as you can, and be reassured by these stories being shared. If you are living with joy and peace as your guides, and with the most Joyful and peaceful choices you can possibly make, then there is nothing to fear it would seem, only wonderful surprises as you get even closer to your child day by day.
Janine x
________________________________
From: [email protected] <[email protected]> on behalf of Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]>
Sent: 13 September 2016 20:16:03
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Uplifting surprises about teens
I have an anonymous response, about teens:
__________________
My kids, who are 15 and 13 and starting their eighth year of unschooling, are happy, wonderful, and pleasant to be around. They are respectful to each other and to everyone they encounter. There is virtually no conflict among the three of us, and I sometimes jokingly ask when they are going to become rebellious. But there's not much to rebel against, since I have always given them a ton of freedom and personal responsibility, and every one of my (few) rules has a good reason.
Instead of lording over them in an authoritarian way, I have always tried to treat them the way that I would treat a good friend. Numerous neighbors, coaches, friends, and family members have commented on how mature, polite, responsible, and enjoyable they are. So, yes, it is possible to have teens who are a pleasure to have around.
_______________
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
boisei@...
My older son is 14. He was often and for many years, what I believe Joyce F. would call, a prickly kid. Thanks to this list and the radical unschooling facebook group I worked through most of my humps (the last ones fairly recent with my younger son). Some of the things that made the biggest difference in our relationship were and are that I tried to be there when he needed me for a conversation or a game of cards. I tried not to try to “fix it” or “fix him” when he was frustrated. I tried to see the awesome kid in front of me, not some idealized unschooling kid that was an amalgam of what I had read. And, so many other little things that make up unschooling. All those little things add up to a great relationship.
He has grown into the most wonderful person, happy and not-prickly. He is kind, generous, helpful, funny and a great friend. I cherish the relationship that we have and wouldn’t change it for anything. Just today he asked if he could clean the bathroom, that from a person who never had to do a chore. I could go on and on about all he knows and can do because of our unschooling life, but I’ll stop there.
Teens are great. I don’t know what he’ll do later, but I’m really enjoying 14.
Melissa
michelle_m29@...
My oldest will be twenty in January. So far she's had a paid internship writing for a nail art website, then a job doing political surveys. The surveys dried up around Christmas so now she's working full time at a place that does insurance claims for a cell phone carrier. Since January, she's transferred from taking incoming calls to another department where she researches claims to make sure that phones reported as destroyed aren't still in use. And at the same time she writes her own beauty blog, doing nail art and reviewing products. She works with a couple of different companies which send her a ton of fun beauty stuff to play with every month. And sews dresses that make my head spin because for her it's perfectly natural to search Youtube and learn to draft patterns from scratch and try three different bodices to match the one from that anime series she's been watching.
It's been fascinating to watch. All of those jobs -- she made them happen herself. I signed a form for the internship because she was still a minor and gave her a couple of rides to job interviews and to work before she got her license. But the interviews and finding the positions in the first place...that was all her.
What's even more fascinating to watch (from the stories she brings home) is how she compares herself to her coworkers. She went in having an idea what 401Ks and insurance deductibles were and then read the paperwork and figured the rest out. Or came to her dad and I with specific questions. She got herself a secured credit card and worked her way up to an unsecured card and a fairly impressive credit score -- because she knows she's going to need that later.
This week, she's been car shopping with her 22 year old boyfriend, explaining to him how blue book and car financing work. (We bought her a nice used car to get started with, but she's watched the process when we bought other cars and knows how to do it.) Turns out the stuff she was worried about not knowing because she didn't get a high school diploma is the stuff she'd explaining to her friends who took all the right classes.
Michelle