Adopted daughter
cookiesforthree@...
Hello.
We adopted a now almost 5 year old girl. We have had her for 15 months. Previously, she was with her bio mom who has drug addiction issues, then lived most of her babyhood in the hospital as a cancer patient, then with an RN in foster care. And finally, with us in our home. She has lived through quite a bit of trauma in her short life. I've allowed her to just be, adjust to having a family, adjust to receiving love. Because of some of her trauma, she started hurting herself (slamming her head into things, biting and scratching herself until she bleeds). She can also be quite destructive of property, including her own things. Some of these things we have learned to curtail. We have found tools and methods of calming and reassuring her.
MY biggest issue is that she lies often. I believe it's partly ingrained in her in order to survive what she survived. It's MY biggest issue because I feel I have made very little progress in helping her. I have let her know that she is safe and has a voice in our family. There is no need for her to lie to us. How can I help her see this? I don't expect instant change from her. 15 months with us is not a long time to unravel a lifetime of hurt.
We have had evaluations and she has been diagnosed as having high functioning autism, sensory integration disorder and cognitive issues due to prenatal drug exposure and chemotherapy. That being said, she is not all of those things. She is my beautiful and sweet daughter who happens to be on the spectrum. But I believe we all are on the spectrum to some degree.
Caryn Stockwell
Your newly adopted daughter is almost five years old and she has been in your home for 15 months ... and she tells stories wherein the original need for such was based upon survival instincts. At five years old, she is barely knowledgeable of the difference between a tall tale and any variation of the truth. Have patience with her ... and compassion, understanding ... and even more patience as you gently guide her away from telling stories. Creating trust in one who has been through so very much is difficult, but not impossible ... and it takes an enormous amount of love to do so.
I love her. And as much as I dislike the lying, I am patient with her and I correct her ... over and over and over again. Eventually, when she understands that her survival mode is no longer needed, she will stop the lying. Until then, she has taught me patience and compassion and a greater understanding of the shoes in which she currently walks. I would also suggest finding a psychologist who works with traumatized children ... they are a neutral figure with whom a child can freely talk without fear of hurting feelings.
Parenting is not an easy job ... if it were, everyone would be signing up for it =)
Hang in there ... as she gets older, she will understand that her truth is safe with you.
Bright blessings ... and Merry Christmas xxxooo
Mira Hatland
On Thu, Dec 24, 2015 at 12:56 PM, cookiesforthree@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:Hello.
We adopted a now almost 5 year old girl. We have had her for 15 months. Previously, she was with her bio mom who has drug addiction issues, then lived most of her babyhood in the hospital as a cancer patient, then with an RN in foster care. And finally, with us in our home. She has lived through quite a bit of trauma in her short life. I've allowed her to just be, adjust to having a family, adjust to receiving love. Because of some of her trauma, she started hurting herself (slamming her head into things, biting and scratching herself until she bleeds). She can also be quite destructive of property, including her own things. Some of these things we have learned to curtail. We have found tools and methods of calming and reassuring her.
MY biggest issue is that she lies often. I believe it's partly ingrained in her in order to survive what she survived. It's MY biggest issue because I feel I have made very little progress in helping her. I have let her know that she is safe and has a voice in our family. There is no need for her to lie to us. How can I help her see this? I don't expect instant change from her. 15 months with us is not a long time to unravel a lifetime of hurt.
We have had evaluations and she has been diagnosed as having high functioning autism, sensory integration disorder and cognitive issues due to prenatal drug exposure and chemotherapy. That being said, she is not all of those things. She is my beautiful and sweet daughter who happens to be on the spectrum. But I believe we all are on the spectrum to some degree.
Herb
Something I tried to do when my kids were younger was not to give them the opportunity to lie. If I knew they had done something, I just asked them why. Why did you color with marker on your sister doll? Something like that. If I was mistaken then they could say they didn't & we could discuss how they think it happened & why I thought it was them. I think not being mad about a situation helps. Kids are more likely to want to tell the truth in that situation. Being able to talk it out without anger is important. My thought is to take the emphases off of lying & not be so concerned about that but more concerned with why something happened. Ask her why she doesn't want you to know she did something. Ask her why she did it. I think keeping any anger out of the situation is important....because being angry would be a form of punishment. You could then discuss how to make the situation right, why the situation created a problem & why it's important she tell you about something that happened.
I don't know if that's helpful. You didn't give examples about what your daughter is lying about and how you address the issues.
It might be helpful if you gave example of the lies you are concerned about and how you handle the situation. Considering your daughter's history it might take a while for her to learn that she won't be punished for telling the truth....that she doesn't have to fear telling the truth.
Meg
Sylvia Woodman
On Fri, Dec 25, 2015 at 1:09 AM, Caryn Stockwell bikerchick72019@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:Hello =)
Your newly adopted daughter is almost five years old and she has been in your home for 15 months ... and she tells stories wherein the original need for such was based upon survival instincts. At five years old, she is barely knowledgeable of the difference between a tall tale and any variation of the truth. Have patience with her ... and compassion, understanding ... and even more patience as you gently guide her away from telling stories. Creating trust in one who has been through so very much is difficult, but not impossible ... and it takes an enormous amount of love to do so.
One of my own daughters began stealing (and lying about it when she got caught) between the ages of five and six. She filled her sweatshirt with candy taken from the grocery store. I didn't discover it until we got home ... I had my attention filled with getting groceries and keeping track of her, her older sister, and a newborn. A friend of ours works as a Juvenile Detention Officer and we had him come over to try and "frighten" her away from ever stealing again ... and it worked for the rest of the summer vacation that she was with me. That was her last summer I had with her ... her father and I had divorced three years previously and he managed to convince the judge to take away my visitation rights to my two older children (a long story for another more apropos time). Needless to say, it was 12 years before I saw or spoke with her again (not by my choice).Fast forward to three years ago. The ex is weary of dealing with her anger and I get a phone call asking for her to come live with me, my husband, and her two younger sisters. I agree and she moves up here. She's with us for six months before we notice things around the house disappearing. When questioned, she lies. This continues for nearly a year and she decides to move back with her Dad. She's with him for a year and then this last May, she moves back up with me ... this time, for good, because her Dad doesn't understand her. Two months ago, things begin again disappearing and when questioned, she lies ... and when the lies are questioned, I am blamed for the nonsense her Dad repeatedly told her during those 12 years I never spoke to her.
I love her. And as much as I dislike the lying, I am patient with her and I correct her ... over and over and over again. Eventually, when she understands that her survival mode is no longer needed, she will stop the lying. Until then, she has taught me patience and compassion and a greater understanding of the shoes in which she currently walks. I would also suggest finding a psychologist who works with traumatized children ... they are a neutral figure with whom a child can freely talk without fear of hurting feelings.
Parenting is not an easy job ... if it were, everyone would be signing up for it =)
Hang in there ... as she gets older, she will understand that her truth is safe with you.
Bright blessings ... and Merry Christmas xxxoooCaryn
Sandra Dodd
Hugely true and important.
People (even people who want to become unschoolers) will write things like
“We’ve taught them...”
“I’ve always told him…”
“In our family we believe…”
“He knows that…”
and then they complain to us with exasperation that the child seems NOT to have learned, understood, heard or believed the “truth” or simple fact.
That’s a problem with the parent’s expectation and vision, more than with the child.
Unschooling takes a long time to learn. Rushing a child to understand something complicated while the parent isn’t even looking in the right direction to see unschooling is a problem that’s easily solved. Stop pressuring the child. Stop “communicating” the confusion. Quietly empty yourself of much of what you think you know (as if it were working, there would’ve been no reason to ask us for help. With a mind open to change, then, go here:
http://sandradodd.com/readalittle
Children need time to heal. Quiet time if probably better than constant noise, no matter how much the noise is intended to express love and reassurance.
Read a little.
A little. Two or three paragraphs, maybe, and come back to it later in the day or tomorrow.
Try a little. Just a thing or two, but try it sincerely and hopefully and patiently.
Wait a while. Not minutes, not hours. Days. Weeks.
Watch. Watch quietly, curiously, trustingly.
Sylvia Woodman’s whole post was really good. "Be patient with her. Be soft and sweet and safe.”
Sandra
Sarah Thompson
" Quiet time if probably better than constant noise, no matter how much the noise is intended to express love and reassurance."
I was in the car today talking with my husband about his relationship with his dad (we are traveling for the holidays). I said that, as a parent, I had to first realize that quiet awareness was what I needed to provide my children, and then I had to work to cultivate skill at quiet awareness. As I recognized the importance of quiet awareness, and then developed proficiency at it, I came to see how it plays a key role in all my relationships, and how to use it to be a better partner to everyone in my life.
My father-in-law is a sheepdog-he wants to help, to "fix it," in active ways. Being quiet is harder, but it is what my children need from me. They don't need my direction much of the time, but they need me to pay attention to what is happening *in case* I'm needed. I need to be quiet so I'm not filling up their world with my noise, and so that *I* can hear as well.
Sarah
Sandra Dodd
(that should be “is” and not the original typoed “if”—I hope you all read it the right way, but as it’s been quoted now, I wanted to apologize for the original error and try to fix it)
-=-They don't need my direction much of the time, but they need me to pay attention to what is happening *in case* I'm needed. I need to be quiet so I'm not filling up their world with my noise, and so that *I* can hear as well.
Sarah, that’s beautiful.
I try to “fix” too much with my children. I love the way you worded that.
It’s snowing. Holly slid off the road a bit a few nights ago and today she drove north on a snowy day. Kirby is driving in from Texas today, in snow. I called yesterday and reminded him they should all wear good shoes and warm clothes in the car, just in case they have to get out. I didn’t say Holly had slid off the road. I don’t want to say nothing, but I probably said too much.
Sometimes too much, sometimes too little, and sometimes just right.
I hope and wish for all of us to hit that “just right” lots more in the future. :-)
Sandra
Clare Kirkpatrick
My children have all been through periods of trying out lying. None of them were adopted. I think it's normal and so do many child development experts. It shows intelligence and empathy. You can't think to lie if you can't empathise with the other person's point of view.
My advice would be this: Don't try to fix lying directly. Firstly, try to avoid creating situations where lying feels like an option.
Secondly, I think that expressing your hurt or correcting her repeatedly (as suggested) is unhelpful. Those tactics are rooted in a behaviourist understanding of raising children. Unschooling won't work well if you still have behaviourist ideas in your head.
Consider what your child feels like when you call her out on a lie. Shame, fear, anger, disconnection from you. Those emotions are unhelpful. They're unhelpful for learning. They're unhelpful for building trust between you. They're unhelpful for healing.
Focus, instead on trusting her even if you think she's lying. Focus on accepting her words unconditionally. Take what she says at face value, assume she's being honest and respond accordingly. Talking about lying just makes a huge, shameful, unhappy issue of it. Choose more joyful and connecting things to make an issue of. Don't do or say things that create distance or negativity between you. The lying will stop when she feels genuinely that you love and trust her and want to help her. Saying those things over and over isn't enough. Children need to actively experience those things in order to believe them. Don't tell her, show her.
She will then be able to really learn about lying and when it's appropriate and when it isn't (lying isn't always bad). Children learn things by trying them out so let her try it out. Understanding the complexities of when and how to lie or not is difficult. I think it's something children need to figure out by doing it as well as sometimes being an expression of inner turmoil. Both reasons for unnecessary lying will be better helped by bring met with joy, connection and trust rather than with shame and disconnection and mistrust.
Clare