jessiwoodman@...

Looking for any thoughts that might help me with how to connect with my kids. They are 7, 6, 4, (girls) and 1 (boy).
Most of the time I feel overwhelmed. Honestly I feel like I just looked up and saw four kids in my living room and now I'm trying (and mostly failing) to meet their very different needs and personalities. I long for joy and peace in our home but most of the time it feels like me trying to manage conflict (poorly). I'm not good at explaining things or being succinct so I'll refrain from rambling on. And the baby just woke up.

Clare Kirkpatrick

I have four children. I recognise your sense of overwhelm. My suggestion is to keep it simple. Reduce your expectations. With four different children and some being so young, it's important to accept that you're not going to be able to meet all their (material) needs all the time (if ever!). You can, however, focus your energies on simply connecting with each child at some point during each day in a meaningful and loving way. That may be with more than one child at a time or with just one. Don't interrupt them to do it, but notice when an opportunity arises and take it. I can't tell you what nature that connection will take because I don't know your children and it depends on the mood of your children, the time of day, what they're up to at the time. For example, my 7 year old (who is my youngest), for example relishes a big squishy hug, a book being read to her or a simple conversation about what she's been watching on YouTube. She does not like a big hug when she's in the middle of doing something. 

I would argue that meaningful, loving connection is possibly the most important part of unschooling. Inspiration, strength and your belief in yourself as a mother grows from such profound bonds. When I'm in a period of overwhelm myself, bringing myself back to this fundamental truth - that connection is the absolute priority - things always become smoother and I begin to feel calmer and more capable as a mother myself.I find that family life just naturally becomes easier. My ability to think creatively when conflicts occur improves; conflicts occur less often because the children are learning themselves to focus on positive connection rather than on competition and angst; and we always end up doing far more things with far less effort than when I was trying to be what I thought was an 'awesome unschooling mum' but lacking self-belief and self-love and feeling overwhelmed and panicky.





On 24 November 2015 at 19:32, jessiwoodman@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
 

Looking for any thoughts that might help me with how to connect with my kids. They are 7, 6, 4, (girls) and 1 (boy).
Most of the time I feel overwhelmed. Honestly I feel like I just looked up and saw four kids in my living room and now I'm trying (and mostly failing) to meet their very different needs and personalities. I long for joy and peace in our home but most of the time it feels like me trying to manage conflict (poorly). I'm not good at explaining things or being succinct so I'll refrain from rambling on. And the baby just woke up.


Sandra Dodd

There’s a page on my site about toddlers that might have ideas you can use. I was looking at it to find a quote for Just Add Light and Stir. I found one for the question here, though:

-=-"Were you able to feel like you were meeting everyone's needs" isn't a fair way to ask. Would "feeling like" you were meeting them be better than doing your best to make unhappy kids happy? You just need to do the best you can.-=-

I wrote that. With I hadn’t said “just.” :-)
And too often “do the best you can” is used to excuse letting things slide.
But the point was, think more about the children than about how you feel about thinking about them. It will help you when they feel better.

http://sandradodd.com/toddlers

Two other things might help. None of these links is to something easy and short, so read a little, try a little, wait a while and watch, but I think if you DO try a little, from these, when you can remember to do it, you’ll get better starting then, and continuing.

One is a page of links about BEING (how, where, when—being with children, being mindful):
http://sandradodd.com/being/

And the last one maybe should be the first one:
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully

Don’t think you can change all at once, but if you see how much difference small steps can make, perhaps you can focus on not making anything worse, and stepping gently but steadily toward a more confident presence.

Sandra

semajrak@...

<<I long for joy and peace in our home but most of the time it feels like me trying to manage conflict (poorly).>>

I had a quote, written on the face of a card, on my fridge for many years. It said:

"Peace.  It doesn't mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work.  It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

With four children there will be conflict.  :-)  There will be noise and trouble and hard work.  How you approach those things makes all the difference.  

Take a deep breath.  

http://sandradodd.com/breathing

Look for moments in the day that are good--especially the ordinary moments.  Pause and appreciate them when you see them.  Let them set the mood for how you move forward.  Listen for pleasing sounds.  A giggle.  A child's breath.  Your own heartbeat.  Some music.  Close your eyes, notice and appreciate those sounds.  Find the ones that make you smile.  Let your smile soften your mood.

http://sandradodd.com/badmoment

Smile more.  

When I first got together with Doug, he frowned a lot, and he was kind of an unhappy guy.  People were prickly around him.  One afternoon, after looking at his expression, I said to him "I think you should smile more.  You're frowning."  "Am I?" he questioned.  He was frowning, and he didn't even realize it.  I had read that smiling affects our body chemistry for the better.  In that moment, he kind of made fun of me and smiled a creepy, big smile.  Whenever he saw me for a little while after, he would smile at me this way.  But what I didn't know until he told me later, was that when he was on his own, he was paying closer attention to his expression, and he was actively trying to remember to soften and relax his face, and, when the moment seemed right, smile more.  Then, one day he came to me and said "I think you were right!  I've been trying to smile more and I feel better!"  I had noticed that his spirit seemed to perk up.  Over time, I also noticed that people seemed to warm up to him more too.  I love to see his smile.  He has the best smile and laugh of anyone I know, so I was pretty thrilled to see more of it.  :-)

<<I feel like I just looked up and saw four kids in my living room and now I'm trying (and mostly failing) to meet their very different needs and personalities. I long for joy and peace in our home>>

When you look at your children, see *them*, not the ideas of peace, joy, success or failure.  Notice what your children are engaged in.  Join them when you can.  If one of your children is cutting paper, quietly join in, even if only for a moment.  When another child is playing Lego on the floor, get down there and put a few pieces together with her.  One girl is drawing, do some doodles.  One girl is playing Minecraft, notice what she's building.  Ask her about it (if your question doesn't interrupt her).  As you join your children you will begin to get a sense for what they enjoy.  Build on what you learn about them.  

Again, there will be some conflict, and there will be times when you don't get it right.  See those moments, learn from them, and then look toward where you hope to go.  Whenever I'm driving on unfamiliar roads, I tend to look at the road right in front of the car.  The twists and turns come up so quick, and I find that my grip on the wheel tightens and my heart races.  I panic until I remember to look at the horizon.  It's so remarkable how much more easy driving becomes when I take in a wider view of where I want to go.  Take in a wide view of where you want to go, making little adjustments as necessary.  It'll feel less frantic and less like you're at the mercy of every little bump or turn that suddenly appears.  The ease and confidence that will gradually come will make for a smoother ride, for you and for those lovely little passengers you've been gifted to travel this journey with.  :-)

Karen James

Sandra Dodd

-=- Whenever I'm driving on unfamiliar roads, I tend to look at the road right in front of the car. The twists and turns come up so quick, and I find that my grip on the wheel tightens and my heart races. I panic until I remember to look at the horizon. It's so remarkable how much more easy driving becomes when I take in a wider view of where I want to go. Take in a wide view of where you want to go,-=-

WELL!

Before I read this, in another discussion I said that someone might be looking through the wrong end of the binoculars. :-)
I meant she was focussing on something tiny, and that was going to keep her from seeing the many other people and things around that.

Karen, I’m sorry to have seemed to have stolen your ideas today. You wrote first, but I hadn’t read it yet. :-)

Sandra

Megan Valnes

Hello,

I have 5 children ranging in ages 10 months to 11 years old, 2 boys and 3 girls. I can definitely relate to the feeling of overwhelm. When my youngest was first born, I began to feel guilty that the older kids weren't get enough stimulation or attention from me and I wrote into the list. Essentially, I was advised to stop trying to set my expectations for myself so high because I would end up being disappointed. 

You have 4 young children, one being a baby only 1 year old! Your baby will take up most of your time and attention, so you've got to figure out the best way to work in your other children.

This may be a time for you to really slow down and enjoy each present moment. Sometimes, my kids all ask me to watch them do something or play with them at the same time. Obviously, I'm only one person, so we usually end up with a queue based on who asked me first. For example, my son wants to play a game with me, my daughter wants to play pretend, my other son wants me to watch video games with him, and my other daughter wants me to play Barbies. Meanwhile, the baby wants to nurse! Instead of getting flustered, I will make it all work the only way possible--and that means someone will have to wait. I tell everyone "okay, I'm going to nurse the baby while I watch Julian play video games, and then I'll play with Sara, etc." So, everyone gets a turn to have mom's attention and they all know that baby is basically a part of me right now, so she comes along too. 

Sometimes, we all play together and sometimes they play alone without any want for me (these are the times I clean!).

The older they get, the more understanding they are able to be of my position. My 4 year old needs more explaining than my 11 year old. Your children will most likely also gain more tolerance as they get older.

Letting go of expectations is also helpful as far as housework. There used to be many times where the mess alone would overwhelm me, but I let go of the expectation that things will be neat and tidy all the time. I've recognized that I can't be everywhere all the time, so something has got to give at any given moment. If the house is a mess and the kids really need my attention, I let the house be messy and really say to myself "it's okay, the kids are growing so quickly and will not always want to play with me, but the house will get cleaned eventually, so I am going to joyfully play with my children." It was a bit of a mantra at first and now that my attitude has truly changed toward all of it, I don't have to give myself so many pep talks :).

The truth is, your children are growing. They will not be young and so needy forever. These are moments that will never come back. You will not get a second chance at their childhood. So, I agree in suggesting that you let go of the various reasons you get overwhelmed. Breathe through those tough times. Pray (or whatever you do) the next time you're feeling super stressed and overwhelmed. Take the opportunities for a break (like when they're watching TV, playing video games, or just not needing you in general). 

When my baby naps, I lie down with her until she falls asleep. Sometimes, I'll rest up there in the bed with her an extra 20 minutes if the kids are wrapped up in whatever they're doing. These extra 20 minutes give me a chance for break and reflection (and sometimes sleep) and help me be the best mom I can be! Your children are at ages where breaks for you are probably far and few between, so take the chance when you are able. 

Also, are you able to hire any help for a few hours a week? We have a babysitter on Friday nights for the 4 big kids and my husband and I go out to dinner, shopping, or some other fun adult activity with the baby. Occasionally, we leave the baby at home if she's sleeping.