"Self care"
Sandra Dodd
_______________
Self Care
As I understand it, for unschooling to work I need to be involved with my children. I have no issue with this and look forward to it. But, I'm an introvert and being around people zaps my energy. I need time in quiet solitude to recharge the batteries. I've learned that I'm a much happier person and more attentive to my children when I've had some time to regroup. How can I take care of my needs without hindering my daughters? How do I make my need and interests known and respected as well? Ex. If they want to go to the zoo, but I really need a day of rest and stay home.
________________
-=- How do I make my need and interests known and respected as well? -=-
If you demand respect you will not get any.
If you are respectful of THEIR needs and interests, eventually, they will be full of respect, with enough to share back out.
-=- If they want to go to the zoo, but I really need a day of rest and stay home.-=-
Plan the zoo day yourself. Plan around it.
Maybe take another child with you, or meet another family there. When you get home, maybe put on a long movie and make them soft places to sit or lie to watch it, and they might fall asleep, but you would have some quiet recovery time.
If they've been in daycare, it's likely that you're out of practice and need bonding. Bonding with four year olds is easier than when theyr'e older, and it's vital if you want the kind of success stories longtie unschoolers tell. So don't schedule too much "self care" or it will do more damage than good.
http://sandradodd.com/metime
Sandra
Self Care
As I understand it, for unschooling to work I need to be involved with my children. I have no issue with this and look forward to it. But, I'm an introvert and being around people zaps my energy. I need time in quiet solitude to recharge the batteries. I've learned that I'm a much happier person and more attentive to my children when I've had some time to regroup. How can I take care of my needs without hindering my daughters? How do I make my need and interests known and respected as well? Ex. If they want to go to the zoo, but I really need a day of rest and stay home.
________________
-=- How do I make my need and interests known and respected as well? -=-
If you demand respect you will not get any.
If you are respectful of THEIR needs and interests, eventually, they will be full of respect, with enough to share back out.
-=- If they want to go to the zoo, but I really need a day of rest and stay home.-=-
Plan the zoo day yourself. Plan around it.
Maybe take another child with you, or meet another family there. When you get home, maybe put on a long movie and make them soft places to sit or lie to watch it, and they might fall asleep, but you would have some quiet recovery time.
If they've been in daycare, it's likely that you're out of practice and need bonding. Bonding with four year olds is easier than when theyr'e older, and it's vital if you want the kind of success stories longtie unschoolers tell. So don't schedule too much "self care" or it will do more damage than good.
http://sandradodd.com/metime
Sandra
kirkpatrick clare
"But, I'm an introvert and being around people zaps my energy. I need time in quiet solitude to recharge the batteries."
In my experience, our thoughts really do become our reality. Try not to see time out with your children as energy-sapping. Instead, try telling yourself that you become energised by being with your children and actively trying to be of service to them; actively trying to help them do the things they want to do. But don't do these things with your mind thinking 'I can't wait until I can have my me time' or with your thoughts on an economy of putting the 'work' in now meaning you'll get your time later. Don't do things with any energy at all of self-sacrifice. Do it actively with love, with generosity.
You'll find your children learn that that is the way to be. You'll find they want, themselves, to help you too, in time. You'll overhear them a couple of years down the line saying on the phone to a caller: "Mummy's having a nap. I'll get her to call you when she wakes up", without you having asked them to do so. You'll find them saying "Of course!" when you ask them if they'll make you a cup of tea while they're in the kitchen. You'll see them doing kind things for one another.
Of course, many of us feel we need some kind of balance in our lives, but, rather than it being 'kids things *or* my things', make it 'kids things when that's what they need *and* my things when it fits in well' - this way of thinking is one of abundance rather than of scarcity. I have four children. We do some things together; my parents do some things with some of my children; their dad does some things with some children - different combinations. I also work two days a week (a career I love), I dance salsa one or two evenings per week, I knit and crochet and play piano. I'm surprised when I look at the amount of things I do for me...but I've never chosen those things over things/time my children need or want. We've just grown into a family life and a family attitude of there being plenty - plenty of time, plenty of Mummy, plenty of Daddy, plenty of fun...as much as we need or want.
Clare
In my experience, our thoughts really do become our reality. Try not to see time out with your children as energy-sapping. Instead, try telling yourself that you become energised by being with your children and actively trying to be of service to them; actively trying to help them do the things they want to do. But don't do these things with your mind thinking 'I can't wait until I can have my me time' or with your thoughts on an economy of putting the 'work' in now meaning you'll get your time later. Don't do things with any energy at all of self-sacrifice. Do it actively with love, with generosity.
You'll find your children learn that that is the way to be. You'll find they want, themselves, to help you too, in time. You'll overhear them a couple of years down the line saying on the phone to a caller: "Mummy's having a nap. I'll get her to call you when she wakes up", without you having asked them to do so. You'll find them saying "Of course!" when you ask them if they'll make you a cup of tea while they're in the kitchen. You'll see them doing kind things for one another.
Of course, many of us feel we need some kind of balance in our lives, but, rather than it being 'kids things *or* my things', make it 'kids things when that's what they need *and* my things when it fits in well' - this way of thinking is one of abundance rather than of scarcity. I have four children. We do some things together; my parents do some things with some of my children; their dad does some things with some children - different combinations. I also work two days a week (a career I love), I dance salsa one or two evenings per week, I knit and crochet and play piano. I'm surprised when I look at the amount of things I do for me...but I've never chosen those things over things/time my children need or want. We've just grown into a family life and a family attitude of there being plenty - plenty of time, plenty of Mummy, plenty of Daddy, plenty of fun...as much as we need or want.
Clare
Sarah Thompson
When kids are young, they take a lot of energy. Sometimes when they are older, too. Accepting that and embracing it goes a long way towards making attached and peaceful parenting, and unschooling, work.
Rather than view yourself as trading off between what you need and what they need, try seeing that what they need *is* what you need, if your priority is an attached and connected relationship. I cannot over-emphasize the ways in which this attitude has paid immediate and longer-term dividends for me. When I see my kids priorities as my own, I'm happy: it's easy to meet everyone's needs. Over time, I have seen that reciprocity from them. Not a long time, either; my boys are nine and five and they work with me towards solutions all the time, coordinate "up-time" and "down-time" activities (soccer vs. a movie or a board game).
Go to where they are when they are little. It's the most powerful way to show them how a healthy relationship works. At some point, sooner than either of us realize, no one is going to ask us to go to the zoo anymore. Go now, when you have the chance.
Sarah
Jason M Dyess
*In my experience, our thoughts really do become our reality.* and == If they want to go to the zoo, but I really need a day of rest and stay home. == and """But, I'm an introvert and being around people zaps my energy. I need time in quiet solitude to recharge the batteries"""
So true. my favorite example of this is how I changed my name retention faculties. I used to be bad with names, and I used to tell people that all of the time. one day I decided that I needed a positive thing to say instead of the negative thought I had been using. I settled on, "I am getting better with names," (generally followed by, "but I have forgotten yours." which always made people smile when they told me). and I very quickly started remembering peoples names, sometimes after the first time they told me.
How we speak about an activity (possibly more than how we think about it) is so very important. If you need a nap or you need some alone time, you could say something like, "I love going to the zoo, too. It makes me feel so alive (happy, energetic, shiny, etc.), and I will help you plan that for sometime next week (or other time that is good). Right now i need to...or I won't been any of those things.when I get up, i want to hear all of your ideas."
There are probably a hundred things wrong with this, I am still new, but this makes sense to me.
Jason M. Dyess
Sandra Dodd
-=-*In my experience, our thoughts really do become our reality.* -=-
There is a reality in attitude and the words we choose.
Let's not take it so far as "law of attraction" and calling down motorcycles and cash by envisioning them.
-=-How we speak about an activity (possibly more than how we think about it) is so very important. -=-
Hold on, though...
If the way you speak about it is not the way you think about it, that's a bad direction to go. I'm not recommending blurting out every tacky thought one has, but to think "stupid" and to say "cool!" isn't healthy for relationships, nor for mental health, trustworthiness or logic.
Avoiding negativity, and learning not to be whiney and cynical, will turn night to day, in someone's life.
http://sandradodd.com/negativity
http://sandradodd.com/morning
http://sandradodd.com/moment
http://sandradodd.com/joy
Sandra
There is a reality in attitude and the words we choose.
Let's not take it so far as "law of attraction" and calling down motorcycles and cash by envisioning them.
-=-How we speak about an activity (possibly more than how we think about it) is so very important. -=-
Hold on, though...
If the way you speak about it is not the way you think about it, that's a bad direction to go. I'm not recommending blurting out every tacky thought one has, but to think "stupid" and to say "cool!" isn't healthy for relationships, nor for mental health, trustworthiness or logic.
Avoiding negativity, and learning not to be whiney and cynical, will turn night to day, in someone's life.
http://sandradodd.com/negativity
http://sandradodd.com/morning
http://sandradodd.com/moment
http://sandradodd.com/joy
Sandra
Sandra Dodd
This is what I get for reading e-mail backwards. :-)
I responded to a phrase pulled from another post, without its fll paragraph. In context, it's wonderful and I withdraw my nervousness. :-)
Clare Kirkpatrick wrote:
-=-In my experience, our thoughts really do become our reality. Try not to see time out with your children as energy-sapping. Instead, try telling yourself that you become energised by being with your children and actively trying to be of service to them; actively trying to help them do the things they want to do. But don't do these things with your mind thinking 'I can't wait until I can have my me time' or with your thoughts on an economy of putting the 'work' in now meaning you'll get your time later. Don't do things with any energy at all of self-sacrifice. Do it actively with love, with generosity. -=-
An attitude of abundance and gratitude can be as good as a nap. :-)
http://sandradodd.com/abundance
http://sandradodd.com/gratitude
http://sandradodd.com/change
Sandra
I responded to a phrase pulled from another post, without its fll paragraph. In context, it's wonderful and I withdraw my nervousness. :-)
Clare Kirkpatrick wrote:
-=-In my experience, our thoughts really do become our reality. Try not to see time out with your children as energy-sapping. Instead, try telling yourself that you become energised by being with your children and actively trying to be of service to them; actively trying to help them do the things they want to do. But don't do these things with your mind thinking 'I can't wait until I can have my me time' or with your thoughts on an economy of putting the 'work' in now meaning you'll get your time later. Don't do things with any energy at all of self-sacrifice. Do it actively with love, with generosity. -=-
An attitude of abundance and gratitude can be as good as a nap. :-)
http://sandradodd.com/abundance
http://sandradodd.com/gratitude
http://sandradodd.com/change
Sandra
Jason M Dyess
Sandra,
I was wondering (after I posted) if you would call me on those two things. :-) to expand some: I was definitely not talking about the "law of attraction" (although if envisioning leads to belief, and belief leads to action, the effect may be the same). I was really saying that if you can change the way you think, you can change the way you experience the world. My dad used to say when my sister and I were kids that if you put me into a room full of toys and her into a room full of horse manure, I would be sullen and upset because I wouldn't want to break the toys (or some such nonsense) and my sister would be happy and asking for a shovel so she could find the horse. and while this is really a mean thing to say to a child, the point is about how your view of the world effects your experience of it and your happiness.
++If the way you speak about it is not the way you think about it, that's a bad direction to go. I'm not recommending blurting out every tacky thought one has, but to think "stupid" and to say "cool!" isn't healthy for relationships, nor for mental health, trustworthiness or logic.++
As you said, hold on though.
I am not talking about lying to your children, which I agree is bad. (although in the first example I used, I didn't believe I was getting better at names, but I convinced myself I was because I said it so much.) but if my kids wants/needs something and my first thought is "stupid" then I need to think of something else to say that is not going to cause damage to the relationship. Finding something positive to say, even if it is a comment about how excited they are, is my goal.
Maybe that makes more sense. :-)
Jason
Jason M Dyess
++ This is what I get for reading e-mail backwards. :-)
I responded to a phrase pulled from another post, without its fll paragraph. In context, it's wonderful and I withdraw my nervousness. :-) ++
I responded to a phrase pulled from another post, without its fll paragraph. In context, it's wonderful and I withdraw my nervousness. :-) ++
I needed to clarify what I was saying anyway, so thank you for the prompt to do so. :-) I just didn't want to pull the whole paragraph (I thought that was frowned upon. :-)
On Thu, Jun 18, 2015 at 8:59 AM, Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:This is what I get for reading e-mail backwards. :-)
I responded to a phrase pulled from another post, without its fll paragraph. In context, it's wonderful and I withdraw my nervousness. :-)
Clare Kirkpatrick wrote:
-=-In my experience, our thoughts really do become our reality. Try not to see time out with your children as energy-sapping. Instead, try telling yourself that you become energised by being with your children and actively trying to be of service to them; actively trying to help them do the things they want to do. But don't do these things with your mind thinking 'I can't wait until I can have my me time' or with your thoughts on an economy of putting the 'work' in now meaning you'll get your time later. Don't do things with any energy at all of self-sacrifice. Do it actively with love, with generosity. -=-
An attitude of abundance and gratitude can be as good as a nap. :-)
http://sandradodd.com/abundance
http://sandradodd.com/gratitude
http://sandradodd.com/change
Sandra
Juliet Kemp
=== > But,
found helpful (my child Leon is 3; I imagine things will change as he
gets older):
- my partner and Leon have breakfast together, and I get a bit of time
to have a cup of tea, shower, read a bit in another room. As we're
still co-sleeping and Leon often feeds a lot over the last couple of
hours of the night I find this particularly useful.
- both my partner & I work part-time (I work from home). On the days
when I'm working, they usually go out for a bit (sometimes on a long
trip to somewhere exciting, sometimes just out to the
shops/playground). I make a point of taking a tea break and doing a
bit of journalling while the house is empty. (In theory it could work
the other way too -- I could go out to a cafe or whatever while they're
at home.)
- if I'm feeling frazzled when it's one of my days with Leon, I will
suggest quiet activities -- snuggling up on the sofa with his ipad, or
to watch something, with a snack. I can read for a bit and still be
with him. We often both read/play on tablets over lunch together, too.
- As he's getting older sometimes I'll go potter down in the kitchen for
10 minutes if he's happy and busy.
- I have knitting around, and if he's happily occupied, I will sit
nearby and knit. I'm still paying attention but I find knitting
calming. Sometimes I read but that can get a bit too engrossing!
- He is usually asleep early evening; I make sure I spend one or two
evenings a week on my own / doing a project I enjoy / reading.
- Mini meditation / mindfulness -- taking as little as thirty seconds to
breathe slowly can be a break.
- Not expecting too much of myself. I've found that the more I have on
my to-do list, the harder it is to cope with everything else and the
harder it is to be present with Leon when I'm with him. So I keep
reminding myself that I can choose *not* to do other things :) And
also that it's OK to do fun recharging things in the evenings and not
"ought to" things.
Juliet
> I'm an introvert and being around people zaps my energy. I need timeI'm pretty heavily introverted as well. Here's some things that I've
> in quiet solitude to recharge the batteries. I've learned that I'm a
> much happier person and more attentive to my children when I've had
> some time to regroup. How can I take care of my needs without
> hindering my daughters? ===
found helpful (my child Leon is 3; I imagine things will change as he
gets older):
- my partner and Leon have breakfast together, and I get a bit of time
to have a cup of tea, shower, read a bit in another room. As we're
still co-sleeping and Leon often feeds a lot over the last couple of
hours of the night I find this particularly useful.
- both my partner & I work part-time (I work from home). On the days
when I'm working, they usually go out for a bit (sometimes on a long
trip to somewhere exciting, sometimes just out to the
shops/playground). I make a point of taking a tea break and doing a
bit of journalling while the house is empty. (In theory it could work
the other way too -- I could go out to a cafe or whatever while they're
at home.)
- if I'm feeling frazzled when it's one of my days with Leon, I will
suggest quiet activities -- snuggling up on the sofa with his ipad, or
to watch something, with a snack. I can read for a bit and still be
with him. We often both read/play on tablets over lunch together, too.
- As he's getting older sometimes I'll go potter down in the kitchen for
10 minutes if he's happy and busy.
- I have knitting around, and if he's happily occupied, I will sit
nearby and knit. I'm still paying attention but I find knitting
calming. Sometimes I read but that can get a bit too engrossing!
- He is usually asleep early evening; I make sure I spend one or two
evenings a week on my own / doing a project I enjoy / reading.
- Mini meditation / mindfulness -- taking as little as thirty seconds to
breathe slowly can be a break.
- Not expecting too much of myself. I've found that the more I have on
my to-do list, the harder it is to cope with everything else and the
harder it is to be present with Leon when I'm with him. So I keep
reminding myself that I can choose *not* to do other things :) And
also that it's OK to do fun recharging things in the evenings and not
"ought to" things.
Juliet
Sandra Dodd
Nice list, Juliet!
-=-- Mini meditation / mindfulness -- taking as little as thirty seconds to
breathe slowly can be a break. -=-
http://sandradodd.com/breathing might help for people who are afraid of the idea of "meditation."
Sandra
-=-- Mini meditation / mindfulness -- taking as little as thirty seconds to
breathe slowly can be a break. -=-
http://sandradodd.com/breathing might help for people who are afraid of the idea of "meditation."
Sandra
Sandra Dodd
-=- if my kids wants/needs something and my first thought is "stupid" then I need to think of something else to say that is not going to cause damage to the relationship. Finding something positive to say, even if it is a comment about how excited they are, is my goal.-=-
Yes.
But I've spend very many years advising people to keep themselves from thinking "stupid" by changing the way they see their children, and interests, and learning, and unschooling, and relationships, and the contagious deadliness of habitual negativity. So I don't want to leave recommendations of just speaking better than one thinks. I want people to think better. :-)
Sandra
Yes.
But I've spend very many years advising people to keep themselves from thinking "stupid" by changing the way they see their children, and interests, and learning, and unschooling, and relationships, and the contagious deadliness of habitual negativity. So I don't want to leave recommendations of just speaking better than one thinks. I want people to think better. :-)
Sandra
Sandra Dodd
-=- I just didn't want to pull the whole paragraph (I thought that was frowned upon. :-)-=-
Quoting the whole post is frowned upon. As to just a line, or two, or more—mostly it depends what you're about to write.
It was my fault for reading backwards.
I think all the posts in this topic have been good. Thanks for writing!
Quoting the whole post is frowned upon. As to just a line, or two, or more—mostly it depends what you're about to write.
It was my fault for reading backwards.
I think all the posts in this topic have been good. Thanks for writing!