staceyraeme@...

This is our first year of homeschooling/unschooling.  My son (10) left his alternative waldorf-esque school a month before the end of the school year last year.  My daughter (8) finished out the year at the local public school.  Deschooling and the early stages of unschooling have been going well. Ups and downs for sure but so much learning and living going on.  It’s been really exciting.

 

My son seems lonely though.  Recently he says he misses his friends or sometimes says that he doesn’t have any friends.  I seems he does not have any friends that he really connects with – no best friends I guess.  He has two kids that he sees pretty regularly.  One is a neighbor but the friendship is a bit on again off again.  Sometimes they see each other several times a day and then they don’t talk for a couple of weeks.  The other friend is a former school mate.  They were good friends at school but out of school they have had trouble getting along sometimes.  This boy slept over recently and although the other boy seemed to have fun and my son said he had fun there were lots of moments of tension.

 

My son has never had a lot of friends and when at school he talked about feeling left out.  He had a couple of good friendships that faded partly through moves and school changes.  I think he also misses having more casual connections with kids at school - kids he might play with at recess but never really wanted to play with outside of school.

 

My son is a quirky kid.  He is bright and funny and sweet.  Very sensitive, creative, very verbal.  He is interested in science, technology, history.  He likes to swim and draw and make things.  He is passionate about video games – spends a lot of time playing games, designing games and graphics for games, watching lets plays, listening to podcasts about games etc.  He does not like violent movies or most violent video games.

 

He has trouble finding kids with his interests.   Most kids in our community are limited in their ‘screen time’.  They all play games but do not have the amount of access to computers that he does and many express that there is something wrong with spending too much time in front of screens.  My son is sometimes teased by kids for ‘only’ being interested in video games.  Most boys we know are also team sports players - especially hockey - which he is not interested in.

 

His sensitivity and quirkiness can be a challenge in friendships.  He can’t stand to be teased and will lose his temper when he feels disrespected.  Often he does not like to play with groups of kids.  E.g tag can be a huge challenge as he likes the idea of it but  does not really like being ‘it’ and gets very upset by any rule breaking.  The other day he went to the park and came home upset that kids –including a former good friend - were teasing him about his purple crocs, his teddy bear (which he has started carrying everywhere), and his lack of math ability which came up in relation to video game creation.


His father and I have not always been (and are not always) as sensitive as we could be in helping him and connecting with him.  We are still working at this, trying to understand his personality and find ways to support him.  He sometimes expresses that we do not listen to him or do not care about his interests.  His school experiences – he went to school or daycare at least part time from age one – were often not good and there is a lot healing that needs to happen.

 

I think he needs to meet some new kids but he is reluctant to join any activities.  I also think he needs support in expressing his sensitivity without pushing other kids away.  He may need to learn to make some compromises in order to have friendships.  He is very interested in sharing his passions but is not always interested in listening to his friends.  He talks in a lot of technical detail about things that others, including his family, have trouble following and then gets upset with others for not paying attention or caring. He also can be unwilling to join in with things his friends like to do if those things aren’t his favourite things.  For example, one friend does not have a Wii and loves to play Mario Kart when he comes over. But my son, who sometimes likes the game, never wants to play with his friend and will get quite upset with his friend for even asking to play.


Sorry this is so long. I am really interested in any ideas to help my son be happier and so I am trying to give enough context but maybe I have given too much.

Stacey


BRIAN POLIKOWSKY

Stacey you son sounds a  lot like my son when he was 10 years old. 
My son has never been to school .

My son at this time does not have a friend he sees in a regular basis. He is 12 and he much rather be home or with us.

What I do is to be his friend! I am the person who is interested in his video games and other interests. I am the person who he comes to talk about and show things. 

He has taken  to caring for our barn cats and I not only support him but I help him. I will get the food ready for him to take to them. We talk about the cats.We take care of sick cats. 
If I am not home he can do it all himself. He just likes to have someone to share it with

I have been worried about him and friends but  he is happy and content and doing what he likes.
He plays with his sister and likes  to play with her a bit everyday  but then he is happy to do his thing and share them with me.

When he is interested in something I learn a bit along with him or on my own so I can have a good conversation with him and learn more about him.

He has been very interested in the middle ages so I joined the SCA with him. We do not do much but have gone to a couple events and archery practice. But I keep  an eye in the group and talk to people so I can let him know what is happening and do things with him he enjoys.

Your son is not alone if he has you , the family, as friends. 

Having said that  if your son is interested in making friends find ways that he can meet kids that like what he likes. If he does better with one kid do one kid at a time. Don't do groups.

Find other gamers an invite them to play. Get into the Unschooling Gamers group and  connect him to other kids that like the same games. Skype is awesome. My daughter has many friends she Skypes daily and they are her  best friends!

Now do not get so invested in "NON-violent games" No video game is violent. They are pixels and fiction/stories.
 I can tell you as a mom of a gamer who sometimes plays some games people call violent that those games are a ton lot of fun!
I myself am scared of guns and LOVE to  shoot stuff in games. It is a hoot. Does not make me or my son violent at all. :)

 
 
Alex Polikowsky
 
 
 



On Thursday, April 16, 2015 1:41 PM, "staceyraeme@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:


 
This is our first year of homeschooling/unschooling.  My son (10) left his alternative waldorf-esque school a month before the end of the school year last year.  My daughter (8) finished out the year at the local public school.  Deschooling and the early stages of unschooling have been going well. Ups and downs for sure but so much learning and living going on.  It’s been really exciting.
 
My son seems lonely though.  Recently he says he misses his friends or sometimes says that he doesn’t have any friends.  I seems he does not have any friends that he really connects with – no best friends I guess.  He has two kids that he sees pretty regularly.  One is a neighbor but the friendship is a bit on again off again.  Sometimes they see each other several times a day and then they don’t talk for a couple of weeks.  The other friend is a former school mate.  They were good friends at school but out of school they have had trouble getting along sometimes.  This boy slept over recently and although the other boy seemed to have fun and my son said he had fun there were lots of moments of tension.
 
My son has never had a lot of friends and when at school he talked about feeling left out.  He had a couple of good friendships that faded partly through moves and school changes.  I think he also misses having more casual connections with kids at school - kids he might play with at recess but never really wanted to play with outside of school.
 
My son is a quirky kid.  He is bright and funny and sweet.  Very sensitive, creative, very verbal.  He is interested in science, technology, history.  He likes to swim and draw and make things.  He is passionate about video games – spends a lot of time playing games, designing games and graphics for games, watching lets plays, listening to podcasts about games etc.  He does not like violent movies or most violent video games.
 
He has trouble finding kids with his interests.   Most kids in our community are limited in their ‘screen time’.  They all play games but do not have the amount of access to computers that he does and many express that there is something wrong with spending too much time in front of screens.  My son is sometimes teased by kids for ‘only’ being interested in video games.  Most boys we know are also team sports players - especially hockey - which he is not interested in.
 
His sensitivity and quirkiness can be a challenge in friendships.  He can’t stand to be teased and will lose his temper when he feels disrespected.  Often he does not like to play with groups of kids.  E.g tag can be a huge challenge as he likes the idea of it but  does not really like being ‘it’ and gets very upset by any rule breaking.  The other day he went to the park and came home upset that kids –including a former good friend - were teasing him about his purple crocs, his teddy bear (which he has started carrying everywhere), and his lack of math ability which came up in relation to video game creation.

His father and I have not always been (and are not always) as sensitive as we could be in helping him and connecting with him.  We are still working at this, trying to understand his personality and find ways to support him.  He sometimes expresses that we do not listen to him or do not care about his interests.  His school experiences – he went to school or daycare at least part time from age one – were often not good and there is a lot healing that needs to happen.
 
I think he needs to meet some new kids but he is reluctant to join any activities.  I also think he needs support in expressing his sensitivity without pushing other kids away.  He may need to learn to make some compromises in order to have friendships.  He is very interested in sharing his passions but is not always interested in listening to his friends.  He talks in a lot of technical detail about things that others, including his family, have trouble following and then gets upset with others for not paying attention or caring. He also can be unwilling to join in with things his friends like to do if those things aren’t his favourite things.  For example, one friend does not have a Wii and loves to play Mario Kart when he comes over. But my son, who sometimes likes the game, never wants to play with his friend and will get quite upset with his friend for even asking to play.

Sorry this is so long. I am really interested in any ideas to help my son be happier and so I am trying to give enough context but maybe I have given too much.

Stacey



K Pennell

Hi,

Perhaps, if social situations are difficult, he'd enjoy meeting kids through on-line games. I think someone else suggested joining the unschooling gamers group, and he (or you) can write and ask for others who play the games he likes.

It does sound like your son wants friends, but also finds social situations stressful, perhaps? Maybe you can plan to invite a friend for an "event", like going to the movies or an arcade, or to play mini-golf, or get pizza. The structure and shorter time frame might be helpful to start off with? Maybe frequent short visits would be easier for your son.


From: "staceyraeme@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thursday, April 16, 2015 1:08 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Helping my son make and keep friends





Sandra Dodd

-=-Now do not get so invested in "NON-violent games" No video game is violent. They are pixels and fiction/stories.-=-

Glad Alex brought that up.
http://sandradodd.com/violence is worth looking at, especially for mothers of boys.

Lots of kids at school don't have a friend, but they have lots of reminders, all day, that they don't have a special best friend. And worse, many have minor enemies, or tormentors. Let it go, keep him distracted, help him be a good host when he has another kid over, and remember that he's older every day.

Sandra

semajrak@...

<<What I do is to be his friend! I am the person who is interested in his video games and other interests. I am the person who he comes to talk about and show things.>>

Alex wrote that. I couldn't agree more. My son and I are good friends. He's twelve now. Just yesterday I was making him a snack while he was playing a game, and as I walked by his chair I told him I really cherished our friendship. He looked away from the game he was playing, directly at me, smiled and said "Yeah" in a simply warm way that told me he felt the same.

Maybe there's a connection between:

<<He is very interested in sharing his passions but is not always interested in listening to his friends.>>

and

<<He sometimes expresses that we do not listen to him or do not care about his interests.>>

It hasn't always been easy for me to listen to Ethan as he enthusiastically fills me in on all the details of whatever it is that's caught his imagination. He goes into a lot of details! It's still not easy sometimes, especially when I'm tired, or distracted, or stressed. But in the back of my mind I remind myself that by giving Ethan my full attention as often as I can I am investing in our relationship and in his wellbeing. So far, I can say with confidence that it has been time and energy well spent.

I've learned a lot about Ethan from listening to him, from sharing in his interests, and being someone he can trust, talk easily to, and depend on for support and guidance if he needs it. In learning to be the best friend to Ethan that I can be, I've become a better friend to my husband, to others, and, most surprisingly, to myself. I believe Ethan has learned a lot from our interactions as well--from seeing what it looks like to be a good friend, and from feeling what it feels like to receive the gift of true friendship.

I thought of this post as I read today's Just Add Light and Stir. I think it and the link that accompanies it might be very helpful.

http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com/2015/04/people-they-trust.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+JustAddLightAndStir+%28Just+Add+Light+and+Stir%29

Karen James

Sandra Dodd

I came to bring today's Just Add Light, and Karen already had. :-)

http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com/2015/04/people-they-trust.html

Leads to
http://sandradodd.com/introvert

I very much agree that the family SHOULD be that child's everything as long as he wants that, and he will eventually want to branch out to other contacts. He's young, school is artificial, we don't have a good model for what we're doing, but if he's complained that he needs more attention, that's what he needs and it would've been nice if he had never needed to say so.

When a kid's getting too much attention, the parents will be informed, too. :-)

Sandra

staceyraeme@...


Thanks for this Alex. It is good to hear about your son and to be reminded that my son is not alone - he has his family - and that I can be his friend.  I have been trying to spend more time with him doing things he likes and having more fun with him and my daughter.  And we have had a good week going out together and staying home.

And thanks for this comment: "Now do not get so invested in "NON-violent games" No video game is violent. They are pixels and fiction/stories." Good for me to remember/continue to think about.


Violent is a term he has used to talk about why he doesn't like certain movies or video games.  I know he got the word from somewhere.  Me at first and then the adults at his last school.  When he talks specifically about what he doesn’t like in movies and video games it is graphic depictions of violence - blood and gore.  He also doesn’t like movies that are too loud and chaotic or too suspenseful or in which people are mean to other people – especially adults being mean to kids.  He realizes many other boys his age do like movies with these things and that has caused conflict which is why I mentioned it. 


Stacey

staceyraeme@...

Yes, that Just Add Light was helpful to me.  There was one earlier in the week that seemed relevant too - http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.ca/2015/04/socializing.html

 It is nice when wisdom shows up in your inbox that connects so nicely to things going on in your life.


Sandra, your comments "He's young, school is artificial, we don't have a good model for what we're doing, but if he's complained that he needs more attention, that's what he needs and it would've been nice if he had never needed to say so" and also your earlier advice to let it go and distract him seem so straightforwardly profound to me.  Simple words but so much in them and exactly what I need to hear and act on.


staceyraeme@...

I have been thinking about how to help him connect with kids online but am not totally sure it is for him right now.  I joined the unschooling gamers group and at first my son was excited about the idea but then he wasn’t sure that he wanted to contact other kids.  He is especially nervous about skyping with people he doesn’t know.  And he seems to be not completely sure why he would want to.  He has played a few games with others and sometimes plays online with me or his sister but often he prefers to explore things on his own.  I am not sure if I should be supporting or encouraging him to find friends online or just letting it go - as I write this out I am thinking the latter.

BRIAN POLIKOWSKY

Stacey my son is not into chatting online with others and even less about Skyping He did a bit when he was younger but now he may play co-op online and message back and forth while gaming ( his favorite way to communicate) but that is about it.

He just does not have the need or want right now. My daughter is always either chatting, messaging or on instagram with friends.

It is OK to not want to. My son does not. He likes to tell me about his gaming.  He also invites his sister ( who is 9 by the way) to play with him or to just simply play his games while he watched and helps her.
So his sister is a play partner and he is happy with that too.


 
Alex Polikowsky
 
 
 



On Sunday, April 19, 2015 10:38 PM, "staceyraeme@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:


 
I have been thinking about how to help him connect with kids online but am not totally sure it is for him right now.  I joined the unschooling gamers group and at first my son was excited about the idea but then he wasn’t sure that he wanted to contact other kids.  He is especially nervous about skyping with people he doesn’t know.  And he seems to be not completely sure why he would want to.  He has played a few games with others and sometimes plays online with me or his sister but often he prefers to explore things on his own.  I am not sure if I should be supporting or encouraging him to find friends online or just letting it go - as I write this out I am thinking the latter.


Sandra Dodd

I don't like Skype much, and definitely NOT with a stranger. I never would. I'll Skype with my kids, and have used it for interviews, but it's invasive of my house, the state of my hair, what I'm wearing, of other people's privacy who might pass through the room...

Some people are fine with it, but I'm on your son's side! I don't even like to call people on the phone if I don't know them.

Sandra

CASS KOTRBA


This was funny to me because I feel about the same! I like my privacy!
 

-=- -I don't like Skype much, and definitely NOT with a stranger. I never would. I'll Skype with my kids, and have used it for interviews, but it's invasive of my house, the state of my hair, what I'm wearing, of other people's privacy who might pass through the room... 

Some people are fine with it, but I'm on your son's side! I don't even like to call people on the phone if I don't know them..-=- 

My son is almost 11.  For a long time he didn't like skyping and mulitplayer gaming but now he does.  He watched his sister do it for a couple of years and would sometimes participated on the periphery but was not comfortable on his own.  Fairly recently he has found a few kids that he feels comfortable with and is now enjoying playing cooperatively and talking with them.  That might change again!
-Cass

rachel

You can choose to have the video on or off in a Skype call and can use whatssap and facebook now to make non video calls. That might be an option.



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On Mon, Apr 20, 2015 at 7:11 PM, CASS KOTRBA caskot@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:




This was funny to me because I feel about the same! I like my privacy!
 

-=- -I don't like Skype much, and definitely NOT with a stranger. I never would. I'll Skype with my kids, and have used it for interviews, but it's invasive of my house, the state of my hair, what I'm wearing, of other people's privacy who might pass through the room... 

Some people are fine with it, but I'm on your son's side! I don't even like to call people on the phone if I don't know them..-=- 

My son is almost 11.  For a long time he didn't like skyping and mulitplayer gaming but now he does.  He watched his sister do it for a couple of years and would sometimes participated on the periphery but was not comfortable on his own.  Fairly recently he has found a few kids that he feels comfortable with and is now enjoying playing cooperatively and talking with them.  That might change again!
-Cass


CASS KOTRBA

 
-=- Fairly recently he has found a few kids that he feels comfortable with and is now enjoying playing cooperatively and talking with them.  -=-

Thinking about this, the first boy that my son felt comfortable playing multiplayer with was the son of someone from this list.  (Hi Megan!)  I knew her from this list and we became Facebook friends when we realized that we both had 10 year old sons with PS4's.  Ben was initially a little resistant and nervous about talking online with a new person.  I was able to tell him "I know his mom.  She's my friend and she's really nice so he's probably nice too.  I know they are unschoolers."   That made it easier for him, especially knowing that I knew the boy's mom and that she is my friend.  Having one safe person in his corner made him feel more comfortable welcoming other new people into his gaming life.  He was also able to show a friend of his IRL (as my kids say - in real life) how to do multiplayer on PS4 and now they get together virtually more often then IRL!

CASS KOTRBA


.

-=- Thinking about this, the first boy that my son felt comfortable playing multiplayer with was the son of someone from this list. -=-

Actually, my daughter's first online friend is a big part of this list, too!  (Hi Alex!)  The girls met on the unschooler's minecraft server and became friends.  It was later that Alex and I figured out that we knew each other here!  https://www.icomputerz.net/

rkflinchum@...

This is my first time posting here (I was on the Always Unschooled list for years and missed it very much when it withered away). I hope it's OK to chime in and say that I currently find myself completely at a loss in regards to helping my son find the online social world he wants. He LOVES STampy and friends and would love to have some friends of his own to build amazing things with, so we're trying to figure out how to make that happen. He is also very shy of Skype, doesn't really want to do it. I really flounder with the techno aspect of it and am also quite socially challenged, online or otherwise. And for him, he doesn't always want to be social, sometimes loves just being alone in his Minecraft world, but the sometimes has a hunger for company, fellow builders more skilled than I am.

Am currently trying to reach out wherever I can in hopes of making a breakthrough as it feels like we're living in a bit of a bubble and we don't always like it. I'm also in a FB Minecraft group. So not meant to hijack, just that this thread seemed so completely relevant to where we are.If anyone has any tips or knows of any kids looking to add a new friend, please feel free to email me. 

Thanks,  Robin

Megan Valnes

Here is a link to the Unschooling Gamers yahoo group where you'll be able to post your needs and meet lots of other players for your son to game with!


Good luck,
Megan

On Tuesday, April 21, 2015, rkflinchum@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
 

This is my first time posting here (I was on the Always Unschooled list for years and missed it very much when it withered away). I hope it's OK to chime in and say that I currently find myself completely at a loss in regards to helping my son find the online social world he wants. He LOVES STampy and friends and would love to have some friends of his own to build amazing things with, so we're trying to figure out how to make that happen. He is also very shy of Skype, doesn't really want to do it. I really flounder with the techno aspect of it and am also quite socially challenged, online or otherwise. And for him, he doesn't always want to be social, sometimes loves just being alone in his Minecraft world, but the sometimes has a hunger for company, fellow builders more skilled than I am.


Am currently trying to reach out wherever I can in hopes of making a breakthrough as it feels like we're living in a bit of a bubble and we don't always like it. I'm also in a FB Minecraft group. So not meant to hijack, just that this thread seemed so completely relevant to where we are.If anyone has any tips or knows of any kids looking to add a new friend, please feel free to email me. 

Thanks,  Robin



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