FURY and progress
Sandra Dodd
This isn't the most pleasant of posts, so it's fine for people who are sensitive or busy to skip it.
I will put a link below to the person who posted, because if I had allowed the post through, that link would have been public.
In today's e-mail were three copies of a response to a Just Add Light post. I have those set to me approved or rejected individually, because once someone wanted to argue in comments there, and that's not at all the purpose of Just Add Light and Stir.
I did not approve the post but I brought it here because in a discussion it is rich ore. In a blog intended to be inspirational, it is poisonous slag.
The blogpost to which the man was attempting to respond was this:
________
Look up ( the format is better here: http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com/2011/10/look-up.html )
Posted: 03 Oct 2011 11:01 PM PDT
When I was little, there was mean little trick we did to younger kids, and I didn't know enough to feel guilty about it. It had hurt my feelings when I was younger, but still I passed it on.
It started "Look up." It ended, after a while with "Gee, you're dumb."
I was reminded recently that I had told a relative NOT to teach my kids that fake "game." I'm still glad I asked that it not be done to them. The entirety of the rhyme, which has hand motions, was
"Look up. Look down.
Look all around.
Look at my thumb.
Gee, you're dumb."
I never wanted my kids to think for one joking moment that they were "dumb." I always stopped at the "look up" part, and life has looked up for all of us.
Over three years later, someone wanted to leave all of the following, in public, on that blog:
_________________________
Chris Butler has left a new comment on your post "Look up":
My dad used to do that to me when I was growing up and I thought it was hilarious. Me and my friends did it to each other and it never hurt anyone's "feelings". In fact it was down right hilarious. It probably toughened us up so we weren't complete wusses when we got into higher grades. When I got older I was bullied viciously as well by a group of kids and I had very few friends. My Dad had left by then and my mom bought a pair of gloves for us both and mouth pieces and taught me how to fight in the garage. I didn't fight back for 2 years though. I went through hell, hated school, teachers did nothing.
Then they jumped me when I was walking home from school one day, about 4-5 of them. Beat the heck out of me real bad and still, because there was no video camera's on the area, no one did anything. It was even on school grounds still. Usually they got me in the hallways, but this time they ganged up on me for what? My mom took me home and told me I was to fight each and every one of them one on one whenever I saw they were alone. I told the principle one last time I didn't want to fight but if they didn't do anything about it I would. They told me not to make threats. I went to school and singled each one out over 3-4 months and never had any problems after that.
You all seem like the parents who would teach your kids to endure rather than stand and fight when pressed, concerned over petty stuff and so concerned about such a harmless little phrase. That's why my generation is growing up to be a bunch of wusses; men who don't stand their ground and are more worried about others feelings than standing for what they believe in, or protecting themselves. It's pathetic. Maybe you should say that to your kid so they can toughen up a bit. The real world doesn't CARE if they get their feelings hurt or feel or think they are dumb. You aren't preparing them for the real world, you are hindering them.
______________________________
I don't know what "his generation" is, but the name in the post linked to this. If this is someone any of you know, just a heads up that he seems to be reading about unschooling and it's pissing him off.
Maybe he came upon it randomly. I know some of my pages have been in Stumble Upon; I don't know how that works. Maybe it came up in a google search for "Gee, you're dumb" or I don't know what.
https://plus.google.com/115940529592997579960/posts would have linked in the comments, if I had let it through.
I'll write more in a response to this, but the fury he has at my post, at his own life, at what he thinks unschoolers are thinking and doing, is huge.
Date: February 24, 2015 at 8:58:18 AM MST.... not a late-night drunken post, either.
Sandra
I will put a link below to the person who posted, because if I had allowed the post through, that link would have been public.
In today's e-mail were three copies of a response to a Just Add Light post. I have those set to me approved or rejected individually, because once someone wanted to argue in comments there, and that's not at all the purpose of Just Add Light and Stir.
I did not approve the post but I brought it here because in a discussion it is rich ore. In a blog intended to be inspirational, it is poisonous slag.
The blogpost to which the man was attempting to respond was this:
________
Look up ( the format is better here: http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com/2011/10/look-up.html )
Posted: 03 Oct 2011 11:01 PM PDT
When I was little, there was mean little trick we did to younger kids, and I didn't know enough to feel guilty about it. It had hurt my feelings when I was younger, but still I passed it on.
It started "Look up." It ended, after a while with "Gee, you're dumb."
I was reminded recently that I had told a relative NOT to teach my kids that fake "game." I'm still glad I asked that it not be done to them. The entirety of the rhyme, which has hand motions, was
"Look up. Look down.
Look all around.
Look at my thumb.
Gee, you're dumb."
I never wanted my kids to think for one joking moment that they were "dumb." I always stopped at the "look up" part, and life has looked up for all of us.
Over three years later, someone wanted to leave all of the following, in public, on that blog:
_________________________
Chris Butler has left a new comment on your post "Look up":
My dad used to do that to me when I was growing up and I thought it was hilarious. Me and my friends did it to each other and it never hurt anyone's "feelings". In fact it was down right hilarious. It probably toughened us up so we weren't complete wusses when we got into higher grades. When I got older I was bullied viciously as well by a group of kids and I had very few friends. My Dad had left by then and my mom bought a pair of gloves for us both and mouth pieces and taught me how to fight in the garage. I didn't fight back for 2 years though. I went through hell, hated school, teachers did nothing.
Then they jumped me when I was walking home from school one day, about 4-5 of them. Beat the heck out of me real bad and still, because there was no video camera's on the area, no one did anything. It was even on school grounds still. Usually they got me in the hallways, but this time they ganged up on me for what? My mom took me home and told me I was to fight each and every one of them one on one whenever I saw they were alone. I told the principle one last time I didn't want to fight but if they didn't do anything about it I would. They told me not to make threats. I went to school and singled each one out over 3-4 months and never had any problems after that.
You all seem like the parents who would teach your kids to endure rather than stand and fight when pressed, concerned over petty stuff and so concerned about such a harmless little phrase. That's why my generation is growing up to be a bunch of wusses; men who don't stand their ground and are more worried about others feelings than standing for what they believe in, or protecting themselves. It's pathetic. Maybe you should say that to your kid so they can toughen up a bit. The real world doesn't CARE if they get their feelings hurt or feel or think they are dumb. You aren't preparing them for the real world, you are hindering them.
______________________________
I don't know what "his generation" is, but the name in the post linked to this. If this is someone any of you know, just a heads up that he seems to be reading about unschooling and it's pissing him off.
Maybe he came upon it randomly. I know some of my pages have been in Stumble Upon; I don't know how that works. Maybe it came up in a google search for "Gee, you're dumb" or I don't know what.
https://plus.google.com/115940529592997579960/posts would have linked in the comments, if I had let it through.
I'll write more in a response to this, but the fury he has at my post, at his own life, at what he thinks unschoolers are thinking and doing, is huge.
Date: February 24, 2015 at 8:58:18 AM MST.... not a late-night drunken post, either.
Sandra
Sandra Dodd
From the third paragraph, first line: "You all seem like the parents who would teach your kids to endure rather than stand and fight when pressed, concerned over petty stuff and so concerned about such a harmless little phrase."
Because he wrote "You all..." it makes me think the author was aware of unschooling, and didn't see this as just my personal blog.
Kirby studied karate for years, and never used it to defend himself, for which his teacher criticized him a couple of times, once in front of me. Kirby talked and smiled his way out of a couple of situations that could have turned rude or violent, and when he told his karate teacher, the teacher seemed to have wished Kirby had taken a guy down. :-)
Marty has done sports and SCA and could pick up any random stick or tool and defend himself, but he has never done so that wasn't just for playing, for fun.
Either of them could defend other people, and they have talked their way out of minor disagreements or drunken moments that could have been physical.
I think quick thinking and the ability to soothe others is vastly more valuable than the ability to "stand and fight" when pressed. "Endure" was never the recommendation, and the times they "endured" another person's bullshit it was (in their reports later) ignoring it, not "enduring" it.
-=-That's why my generation is growing up to be a bunch of wusses; men who don't stand their ground and are more worried about others feelings than standing for what they believe in, or protecting themselves.-=-
Neither of my now-grown sons are "wusses." They are responsible, non-violent, non-bullying men.
The account of the growing up, in that guy's comment, was sad. His dad left, for some reason. Before his dad left, a good time between them (hilarious, and passed on to his friends) involved as belittling "game" that's really a protracted insult with hand gestures. If that is one of his best memories, and he thinks it helped him be a better person, then in contrast I can see how very, very far Keith and I stepped, methodicallly, gradually, *away* from being a fmily that insulted, and encouraged violence, and sent children to school where there was vicious bullying.
Although I'm sad for the memories of Chris B. in Ohio who was so determined to post that insulting report to my peaceful blog, I feel light and right when I compare my children's lives to his accounts.
Sandra
Because he wrote "You all..." it makes me think the author was aware of unschooling, and didn't see this as just my personal blog.
Kirby studied karate for years, and never used it to defend himself, for which his teacher criticized him a couple of times, once in front of me. Kirby talked and smiled his way out of a couple of situations that could have turned rude or violent, and when he told his karate teacher, the teacher seemed to have wished Kirby had taken a guy down. :-)
Marty has done sports and SCA and could pick up any random stick or tool and defend himself, but he has never done so that wasn't just for playing, for fun.
Either of them could defend other people, and they have talked their way out of minor disagreements or drunken moments that could have been physical.
I think quick thinking and the ability to soothe others is vastly more valuable than the ability to "stand and fight" when pressed. "Endure" was never the recommendation, and the times they "endured" another person's bullshit it was (in their reports later) ignoring it, not "enduring" it.
-=-That's why my generation is growing up to be a bunch of wusses; men who don't stand their ground and are more worried about others feelings than standing for what they believe in, or protecting themselves.-=-
Neither of my now-grown sons are "wusses." They are responsible, non-violent, non-bullying men.
The account of the growing up, in that guy's comment, was sad. His dad left, for some reason. Before his dad left, a good time between them (hilarious, and passed on to his friends) involved as belittling "game" that's really a protracted insult with hand gestures. If that is one of his best memories, and he thinks it helped him be a better person, then in contrast I can see how very, very far Keith and I stepped, methodicallly, gradually, *away* from being a fmily that insulted, and encouraged violence, and sent children to school where there was vicious bullying.
Although I'm sad for the memories of Chris B. in Ohio who was so determined to post that insulting report to my peaceful blog, I feel light and right when I compare my children's lives to his accounts.
Sandra
Robyn Coburn
Not being from around here, I have never heard that game.
But in the movie "Animal House" during the debacle at the end, Otter says "Look at my thumb" then a moment later "God you're dumb" to his nemesis before swinging a punch. I always thought it was just a distracting thing, (it was) but now I'm learning that it was part of a whole unpleasant phenomenon.
The other game I hate, is that putting your finger on someone's chest and then tipping their nose when they look down. Other people don't mind it, but when it was done to me as young person it always felt both invasive and mean-spirited. The other party always seemed to laugh too harshly, and I felt embarrassed for falling for it.
Robyn Coburn
Résumé Review http://WorkInProduction.com
Creativity Blast http://IggyJingles.com
Design Team http://scraPerfect.com
But in the movie "Animal House" during the debacle at the end, Otter says "Look at my thumb" then a moment later "God you're dumb" to his nemesis before swinging a punch. I always thought it was just a distracting thing, (it was) but now I'm learning that it was part of a whole unpleasant phenomenon.
The other game I hate, is that putting your finger on someone's chest and then tipping their nose when they look down. Other people don't mind it, but when it was done to me as young person it always felt both invasive and mean-spirited. The other party always seemed to laugh too harshly, and I felt embarrassed for falling for it.
Robyn Coburn
Résumé Review http://WorkInProduction.com
Creativity Blast http://IggyJingles.com
Design Team http://scraPerfect.com
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
This person has many issues. Broken home, was bullied and beaten and no one protected him.
He was told to toughen up. Sounded like a story of someone that went to jail and had to learn to stay alive.
Sad.
He was told to toughen up. Sounded like a story of someone that went to jail and had to learn to stay alive.
Sad.
On Wednesday, February 25, 2015 12:00 PM, "Robyn Coburn dezignarob@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:
Not being from around here, I have never heard that game.
But in the movie "Animal House" during the debacle at the end, Otter says "Look at my thumb" then a moment later "God you're dumb" to his nemesis before swinging a punch. I always thought it was just a distracting thing, (it was) but now I'm learning that it was part of a whole unpleasant phenomenon.
The other game I hate, is that putting your finger on someone's chest and then tipping their nose when they look down. Other people don't mind it, but when it was done to me as young person it always felt both invasive and mean-spirited. The other party always seemed to laugh too harshly, and I felt embarrassed for falling for it.
Robyn Coburn
Résumé Review http://WorkInProduction.com
Creativity Blast http://IggyJingles.com
Design Team http://scraPerfect.com
But in the movie "Animal House" during the debacle at the end, Otter says "Look at my thumb" then a moment later "God you're dumb" to his nemesis before swinging a punch. I always thought it was just a distracting thing, (it was) but now I'm learning that it was part of a whole unpleasant phenomenon.
The other game I hate, is that putting your finger on someone's chest and then tipping their nose when they look down. Other people don't mind it, but when it was done to me as young person it always felt both invasive and mean-spirited. The other party always seemed to laugh too harshly, and I felt embarrassed for falling for it.
Robyn Coburn
Résumé Review http://WorkInProduction.com
Creativity Blast http://IggyJingles.com
Design Team http://scraPerfect.com
kristenrhodes7@...
My son was in public school for the second half of kindergarten and the first half of first grade. One day he came home in tears. He said on the bus children "fought" each other. One child punched him in the eye. He said that he did nothing to fight back (this was later confirmed by the principal). The other child was not taken off the bus, my child was not offered any support or protection by the school. I drove him from that day on. A couple days later he was targeted on the playground. That day I reported it and removed my son from public school. We are now happily deschooling. He has so much healing that needs to happen just from this very brief time in school. I am so sad for those children who are not protected at school and instead taught to "fight back".
Stephen Burke
The real world doesn't CARE if they get their feelings hurt or feel or think they are dumb. You aren't preparing them for the real world, you are hindering them.This adage comes up often and seems dead wrong to me. The world is made up of lots of people that care about a lot of other people. I think the unschooling idea of respecting our kids works to show our kids that we do care. We care about their feelings and interests and make an effort to work with them as partners. And by doing this we hope that our kids never think that no one cares about them.I wish that was a latel night drunken post. Enjoy a cup of coffee at 9AM geez.
Sandra Dodd
-=-Sounded like a story of someone that went to jail and had to learn to stay alive. -=-
Interesting, because when I read it a vision of prison flitted through my mind, too.
Sandra
Interesting, because when I read it a vision of prison flitted through my mind, too.
Sandra
Deb Lewis
That’s really sad. It seems a case of rationalizing the mean and pointless
things that happened to him in order to feel they had some benefit. His choice
of the word endure is interesting. He endured a lot.
And now he’s all grown up and thinks “feelings” are petty concerns (and
need quotation marks) and enduring means you’re not a man. Sticking up for
yourself is all that matters. It won’t be much fun to be his partner, or child.
It might even be dangerous.
Anyone who lives long enough will endure a lot of things. Pain, loss,
disappointment. Kids don’t need to be taught to endure. Being alive means you
will, until you’re dead.
But Dylan never had to endure bullying because I didn’t make him go to
school. No fighting. He still learned how to stand up for what he believes. And
he’s been able to do so without the systematic pummeling of sworn enemies.
Our family doesn’t place any glory or value on suffering. We avoid it as much as
possible. And we are so skilled at avoidance of suffering, we haven’t had to
punch anyone yet.
When he was eleven or twelve his Karate instructor wanted the class to play
a game where students would make two lines and one student would run down the
middle. The lines of students were to try to whack the running student on the
ass with their belts. Dylan refused to play and when the instructor asked him
why he told him it was disrespectful to his fellow students and to his dojo,
uniform and belt. The kids in his class who went to public school relished the
idea of taking a whack at someone. People who feel powerless will grab some
power where they can.
***...men who don't stand their
ground...***
This is an angry man. His hilarious and then
absent dad and his boxing gloves mom failed him, and he’s going to cause some
misery in this world including, but probably not limited to, pestering peaceful
bloggers.
Deb Lewis
Sarah Thompson
When I read the book The Glass Castle, I was struck by how the author made a life for herself by turning all of the negative experiences of gross neglect and unparenting into positive lessons.
Would this man point to her childhood (her parents essentially ignored the kids, neglecting their most basic physical and emotional needs and refusing outside help), and say "see how valuable hardship is?"
Sarah
Teri DeMarco
Teresa Graham Brett really nails this whole learned behavior of “power over” others/kids. These are all learned memes in our culture and we often just believe they are inherent truths. It is only when we question the premise and realize that children are perfect, whole, conscious beings from birth on that we can change this falsehood and forge a new path.
Teri D
Teri DeMarco
Mom to Wyatt (8) Cole (8) and Emily (6)
"We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today." — Stacia Taus
From: "Stephen Burke steve.burke.56@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]>
Reply-To: <[email protected]>
Date: Wednesday, February 25, 2015 at 6:33 PM
To: <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] FURY and progress
Reply-To: <[email protected]>
Date: Wednesday, February 25, 2015 at 6:33 PM
To: <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] FURY and progress
The real world doesn't CARE if they get their feelings hurt or feel or think they are dumb. You aren't preparing them for the real world, you are hindering them.This adage comes up often and seems dead wrong to me. The world is made up of lots of people that care about a lot of other people. I think the unschooling idea of respecting our kids works to show our kids that we do care. We care about their feelings and interests and make an effort to work with them as partners. And by doing this we hope that our kids never think that no one cares about them.I wish that was a latel night drunken post. Enjoy a cup of coffee at 9AM geez.
Sandra Dodd
-=-We are now happily deschooling. He has so much healing that needs to happen just from this very brief time in school-=-
I'm glad he confided in you and that you were able to give him another place and way to be, and to grow up.
Part of the justification of toughening kids up is as wrong as can be. It can make them cold to others' suffering (as the commenter who said if people didn't like "gee you're dumb" that their kids would be wusses—I'm paraphrasing, but I think that was his message), and in some cases (maybe many), give them the urge to pass that harm on, immediately or years later when there are children around.
If you search down for "compassionate" on this page, there are some stories:
http://sandradodd.com/unexpected
In looking for that link, I found another one. That always happens. :-)
I used to have a hard time looking a word up in a big-book dictionary without accidentally browsing, and now it happens searching my own website (or others).
Rippy Dusseldorp wrote: "[The Always Learning list] has helped me think more clearly and maturely. It has helped me change unhelpful patterns and most of all helped me step into the *JOY* of life, connection, partnership with my children and husband. I know how scary it is to feel examined, and I think some other readers interpret examination as meanness, like I once did. I think to do unschooling well, it is a fundamental element to have an examined life. To be mindful of our choices and understand our thought processes."
http://sandradodd.com/being/healing is where I found it, and that has a bit more, and a link to the still-longer version.
A child who is around more peaceful adults has fewer opportunities or need to move toward fury and anger, and can grow up seeing healthy and supportive reactions to situations, rather than angry destructive reactions. Many parents want to change the child, instead of changing the child's environment by (in large part) changing themselves.
Here are some things about the reactions of unschooled children adn teens to discoveries of meanness in other families:
http://sandradodd.com/s/backstage
http://sandradodd.com/s/kids
There's another page I thought I had with a story of Addi, and one of Holly (besides the "unexpected" one above), but the gist is the same. Being in peaceful surroundings makes actual meanness seem.... MEAN.
And kids know the difference between movies and video game situations, and actual feelings of an unscripted human. Sometimes moms get confused, but the kids don't.
Sandra
I'm glad he confided in you and that you were able to give him another place and way to be, and to grow up.
Part of the justification of toughening kids up is as wrong as can be. It can make them cold to others' suffering (as the commenter who said if people didn't like "gee you're dumb" that their kids would be wusses—I'm paraphrasing, but I think that was his message), and in some cases (maybe many), give them the urge to pass that harm on, immediately or years later when there are children around.
If you search down for "compassionate" on this page, there are some stories:
http://sandradodd.com/unexpected
In looking for that link, I found another one. That always happens. :-)
I used to have a hard time looking a word up in a big-book dictionary without accidentally browsing, and now it happens searching my own website (or others).
Rippy Dusseldorp wrote: "[The Always Learning list] has helped me think more clearly and maturely. It has helped me change unhelpful patterns and most of all helped me step into the *JOY* of life, connection, partnership with my children and husband. I know how scary it is to feel examined, and I think some other readers interpret examination as meanness, like I once did. I think to do unschooling well, it is a fundamental element to have an examined life. To be mindful of our choices and understand our thought processes."
http://sandradodd.com/being/healing is where I found it, and that has a bit more, and a link to the still-longer version.
A child who is around more peaceful adults has fewer opportunities or need to move toward fury and anger, and can grow up seeing healthy and supportive reactions to situations, rather than angry destructive reactions. Many parents want to change the child, instead of changing the child's environment by (in large part) changing themselves.
Here are some things about the reactions of unschooled children adn teens to discoveries of meanness in other families:
http://sandradodd.com/s/backstage
http://sandradodd.com/s/kids
There's another page I thought I had with a story of Addi, and one of Holly (besides the "unexpected" one above), but the gist is the same. Being in peaceful surroundings makes actual meanness seem.... MEAN.
And kids know the difference between movies and video game situations, and actual feelings of an unscripted human. Sometimes moms get confused, but the kids don't.
Sandra
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
Steve wrote this:
"The world is made up of lots of people that care about a lot of other people."
When those kids grow up in that environment ( abuse, neglect, bullying, meanness at home) they do toughen up. They learn that is it normal to have people that treat them like that in their lives. They learn that it is normal to accept those things as status quo. IT is their normal.
What I am seeing is that my unschooling kids have their own limits of what they will take and accept. They are surrounded by love, understanding, peace, respect and support. I hope that is what is normal and desired in their lives and that they can chose to stay away from the relationships and situations that are not like that, or to move on when they are too negative and unhealthy for them.
My daughter had a best friend since she was 2 or 3 years old. This girl got meaner and meaner and one day when she said things to my daughter at an event that were mean and uncalled for ( with no reason) My daughter , then 7 years old, decided that she no longer wanted to stay friends with her. She has avoided her since and never looked back. There were several instances that this girl , two years older, had been very mean towards my daughter . There were times my daughter took a break from her, but she still found something valuable as they liked the same things. But my child had a limit and when it was reached that was it. She moved on. IT have been over a year.
My son has always been very sensitive to how others treat him. :)
Alex Polikowsky
Alex Polikowsky
On Thursday, February 26, 2015 12:39 PM, "Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:
-=-We are now happily deschooling. He has so much healing that needs to happen just from this very brief time in school-=-
I'm glad he confided in you and that you were able to give him another place and way to be, and to grow up.
Part of the justification of toughening kids up is as wrong as can be. It can make them cold to others' suffering (as the commenter who said if people didn't like "gee you're dumb" that their kids would be wusses—I'm paraphrasing, but I think that was his message), and in some cases (maybe many), give them the urge to pass that harm on, immediately or years later when there are children around.
If you search down for "compassionate" on this page, there are some stories:
http://sandradodd.com/unexpected
In looking for that link, I found another one. That always happens. :-)
I used to have a hard time looking a word up in a big-book dictionary without accidentally browsing, and now it happens searching my own website (or others).
Rippy Dusseldorp wrote: "[The Always Learning list] has helped me think more clearly and maturely. It has helped me change unhelpful patterns and most of all helped me step into the *JOY* of life, connection, partnership with my children and husband. I know how scary it is to feel examined, and I think some other readers interpret examination as meanness, like I once did. I think to do unschooling well, it is a fundamental element to have an examined life. To be mindful of our choices and understand our thought processes."
http://sandradodd.com/being/healing is where I found it, and that has a bit more, and a link to the still-longer version.
A child who is around more peaceful adults has fewer opportunities or need to move toward fury and anger, and can grow up seeing healthy and supportive reactions to situations, rather than angry destructive reactions. Many parents want to change the child, instead of changing the child's environment by (in large part) changing themselves.
Here are some things about the reactions of unschooled children adn teens to discoveries of meanness in other families:
http://sandradodd.com/s/backstage
http://sandradodd.com/s/kids
There's another page I thought I had with a story of Addi, and one of Holly (besides the "unexpected" one above), but the gist is the same. Being in peaceful surroundings makes actual meanness seem.... MEAN.
And kids know the difference between movies and video game situations, and actual feelings of an unscripted human. Sometimes moms get confused, but the kids don't.
Sandra
I'm glad he confided in you and that you were able to give him another place and way to be, and to grow up.
Part of the justification of toughening kids up is as wrong as can be. It can make them cold to others' suffering (as the commenter who said if people didn't like "gee you're dumb" that their kids would be wusses—I'm paraphrasing, but I think that was his message), and in some cases (maybe many), give them the urge to pass that harm on, immediately or years later when there are children around.
If you search down for "compassionate" on this page, there are some stories:
http://sandradodd.com/unexpected
In looking for that link, I found another one. That always happens. :-)
I used to have a hard time looking a word up in a big-book dictionary without accidentally browsing, and now it happens searching my own website (or others).
Rippy Dusseldorp wrote: "[The Always Learning list] has helped me think more clearly and maturely. It has helped me change unhelpful patterns and most of all helped me step into the *JOY* of life, connection, partnership with my children and husband. I know how scary it is to feel examined, and I think some other readers interpret examination as meanness, like I once did. I think to do unschooling well, it is a fundamental element to have an examined life. To be mindful of our choices and understand our thought processes."
http://sandradodd.com/being/healing is where I found it, and that has a bit more, and a link to the still-longer version.
A child who is around more peaceful adults has fewer opportunities or need to move toward fury and anger, and can grow up seeing healthy and supportive reactions to situations, rather than angry destructive reactions. Many parents want to change the child, instead of changing the child's environment by (in large part) changing themselves.
Here are some things about the reactions of unschooled children adn teens to discoveries of meanness in other families:
http://sandradodd.com/s/backstage
http://sandradodd.com/s/kids
There's another page I thought I had with a story of Addi, and one of Holly (besides the "unexpected" one above), but the gist is the same. Being in peaceful surroundings makes actual meanness seem.... MEAN.
And kids know the difference between movies and video game situations, and actual feelings of an unscripted human. Sometimes moms get confused, but the kids don't.
Sandra
meghorvath85@...
The "my generation" phrase is always an interesting conversation to have, for me.
I'm 30 and was homeschooled, and more or less unschooled as a child, through my grandparents. We lived in a state, where regulations on homeschooling are just now starting to lighten up, so there was a lot of proof needed by local school districts. I did spend random years in school, for various reasons, but always ended up at home figuring out life. Then I went off to college, finding a major in my life passion (food science).
I was raised by people who were children through the depression, had lived through WWII, and had 8 children of their own. If being tough needed to apply anywhere, for me, that's it. Yet, my grandparents managed to raise two separate generations of people without fear, or punishment, or any other "toughen them up" conditioning that was mentioned.
We had many family friends through out the years that fell on both sides of this topic. I find that a lot of people who use words like "wussy" and "toughen up" are people who have a lot of trouble being at peace or being peaceful, in general. My grandpop was blinded in WWII and met his wife at a Philadelphia hospital, while recovering. They married and had all the kids, without him ever seeing a single freckle on his children's faces. You would think that would harden someone's heart forever, but the words I would use to describe that man are kind, caring, trusting, and overwhelmingly patient.
I don't think I'm convinced that "generation" has anything to do with it. For me it's about choice, choosing each day to smile or find happiness, even if the life around you is a little off it's balance.
I'm 30 and was homeschooled, and more or less unschooled as a child, through my grandparents. We lived in a state, where regulations on homeschooling are just now starting to lighten up, so there was a lot of proof needed by local school districts. I did spend random years in school, for various reasons, but always ended up at home figuring out life. Then I went off to college, finding a major in my life passion (food science).
I was raised by people who were children through the depression, had lived through WWII, and had 8 children of their own. If being tough needed to apply anywhere, for me, that's it. Yet, my grandparents managed to raise two separate generations of people without fear, or punishment, or any other "toughen them up" conditioning that was mentioned.
We had many family friends through out the years that fell on both sides of this topic. I find that a lot of people who use words like "wussy" and "toughen up" are people who have a lot of trouble being at peace or being peaceful, in general. My grandpop was blinded in WWII and met his wife at a Philadelphia hospital, while recovering. They married and had all the kids, without him ever seeing a single freckle on his children's faces. You would think that would harden someone's heart forever, but the words I would use to describe that man are kind, caring, trusting, and overwhelmingly patient.
I don't think I'm convinced that "generation" has anything to do with it. For me it's about choice, choosing each day to smile or find happiness, even if the life around you is a little off it's balance.