kgharriman1@...

I have been listening to Amy Child's wonderful podcasts on unschoolingsupport.com just lately (as i only just discovered them) but after listening to the podcast called "who can unschool" I have serious doubts as whether I am qualified to unschool really. In fact I am sure I am not.


One of the group of people who are told shouldn't unschool are:


"Parents who are easily overwhelmed or who become angry easily and who are willing to blame their children for their feelings or who assume their children are responsible for their overhwhelm or unhappiness"


I do tend to get angry easily but nowhere as much as I used to because I have worked hard on breathing and finding other ways to react (its much worse when I am very tired so right now we are working on making sure we - as in my DH and I - are in bed before 10 pm). I also have days when I get very overwhelmed with have four kids in a small cottage (but a great big yard) in a long hot outback Queensland summer... yes its like a pressure cooker in here some days (much more so when my eldest girls are unhappy/fighting/melting down.. my smaller children are happy most days learning/exploring/watching).. and lately yes I have to admit I have been blaming my unhappiness and depression partly on the heat and lack of finances (temporary as we run a business and I know this will improve soon... its very up and down) but also on the yelling and the hitting and fighting... it totally gets me down, I blame myself, feel like a failure and cry alot. Of course I shouldn't be unshooling. Its a no-brainer.


Its not like this all the time, and generally once the weather outside improves and they can expand outwards things get better and there's more peace.


Right now though I listen to the Podast listing the people who shouldn't/can't unschool (and the perfect people who can) and I absolutely feel stuck between a rock and a hard place because while clearly I can't/shouldn't because I don't meet the criteria apparently. And yet they absolutely do not want to go to school.


What is one to do?


Joyce Fetteroll

It might be clearer to say parents who aren't willing to work on the obstacles that will get in their way.

Hopefully others will have some advice but just wanted to quickly mention Sandra's Parenting Peacefully audio that she did with Richard Prystowsky.

It's down towards the bottom of this page. You can save it into iTunes.

http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully

Joyce

chris ester

@@@@@@@@On Sun, Feb 15, 2015 at 6:02 PM, Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
 

-=-What is one to do?-=-

Change.

http://sandradodd.com/parengingpeacefully

leads to
http://sandradodd.com/choices

leads to
http://sandradodd.com/change

Sandra@@@@@@@@@@@

,_._,___

And as you are changing.... forgive yourself when the change isn't quite complete.  Applaud your own efforts and I always apologized to my children when I fell short.  Don't make the occasional inappropriate outburst another reason for being angry.  Perfection is probably not possible, but progress is always possible.  

Seek joy, take breaths, smile, even if you don't feel like it because it really does change your attitude.  And maybe don't listen to a podcast that makes you feel that you are not capable when you are in a vulnerable place.   Not that that podcast can't be helpful, just perhaps not at that moment.  

I realized that often, my feelings were either reflecting or influencing those around me.  If I felt antsy or bored or like I wanted to get out of the house, I would ask if anyone felt like a venture out of the house.  I was lucky that there was a library and a small mall as well as some parks that we could get away to in a short time, some even within walking distance.   

Is there any way you can change your routine so that you can get outside when the weather isn't so hot?  Do you have a way to get outside when the sun isn't so high? Can you visit somewhere, someone?  I don't know your exact living situation, though I would love to visit Queensland at some point, in the winter though.  :)

You can do this, but it isn't easy and it is not for wimps!  
chris

kgharriman1@...

thanks, our deschooling is only a year in which isn't very long when you have spent nearly 20 years in a formal academic institution yourself and veered onto the more traditional homeschooling path for a couple of years. I see many aspects of our life which have improved significantly since starting to let go of our rules and limits, definitely. They know the tv and computer and sweet foods etc are no longer limited and so they no longer crave these things but instead enjoy them when they want them and leave them when they don't. Its taken all the past year to get to that.

However other aspects have a long long way to go. I don't think I am anywhere near as connected with the older girls as I would like to be. I need to spend lots more individual time with each of them. Easier said than done when I often called upon to get things, see something, attend to something else by someone else.

DH, bless him for his logical clear thinking, has reiterated what Joyce has said in that I need to read about these various people lists that Amy has listed on her podcast in the context of whether or not you are willing to work on/learn to change rather than as black and whites. That certainly encourages me to believe that all is not lost! He told me I didn't listen properly (nor read properly after I typed it all out so I could really think about all that I am not). 

I want to believe that our home is better than school because our children have the freedom to explore and think and daydream without time pressures, social pressures, all sorts of other pressures.

However, when they fight and argue and bicker and niggle, let alone hit or be downright rude and disrespectful, I often ask myself whether they're happy at home and why aren't they happy and what am I missing. Of course its not all the time. Sprinkled in amongst the unhappiness are happy moments and periods of time when they're having fun or absorbed in an activity or the tv or the computer or their ipods. So, its just me being grumpy and then that affects everyone else.

Getting out in the early morning and early evening are possibilities but they all sleep in so early morning isn't really on the cards right now (but it could be for me) and early evening... well... I would need to do a big C'MON lets all get out of the house and take the dogs for a walk. more often than not one of the four of them doesn't want to go anywhere and prefers to stay in. Or maybe its just that this forever hot weather has sapped all my get up and go and I am just too tired to go anywhere or do anything so I just sort of let it all sit as it is and not try and inspire or motivate because I am feeling neither inspired or motivated. We are in this house day in day out (how sad is that! ) except for trips downtown, to dancing, or to the pool or library or out to Grandmas. Not so in the winter which is beautiful where we live when we are all more inspired to go on scooters or bikes or whatever (but even that is not stress free - often our second daughter struggles with these types of activities and that tends to keep me from trying anything unless I am feeling super resourceful and energetic and strong because when I do there's a meltdown and I just can't cope with it when I am tired). Which gets back to my original post. I believe obviously one needs to feel inspired/motivated to unschool well. how to retrieve that...

Its not forever, this weather, but it is from November through to about April. Its a long long hot time. I really do struggle with it as my energy is oodles better in the cool.

Juliet Kemp





=== We are in this house day in day out (how sad is that! ) ===

It needn't be sad at all! It can be lovely, if you make home a lovely place to be. There are so many things your children are and can be doing right there in your house. Being "out" isn't automatically better than being "in", especially if it sounds like at least some of the people in your family don't *want* to go out. 

(In your climate I don't think I'd want to go out at this time of year either!)

===except for trips downtown, to dancing, or to the pool or library or out to Grandmas.===

and in fact it sounds like you do quite a bit of going out. Not in the house "day in day out" (which itself is a phrase you might want to think about - it sounds like it might come from someone/somewhere else) at all. 

===Not so in the winter which is beautiful where we live when we are all more inspired to go on scooters or bikes or whatever===

So you're all reacting to the weather. Seems fair enough. I'm in the UK and right now it's often cold and wet. Hibernating weather! In the spring/summer spending days at the park might feel like more fun here. (Or it might not; that's cool too.)

===(but even that is not stress free - often our second daughter struggles with these types of activities and that tends to keep me from trying anything unless I am feeling super resourceful and energetic and strong because when I do there's a meltdown and I just can't cope with it when I am tired). ===
That sounds like a different issue to tackle - dealing with multiple kids with different needs and desires is hard, but maybe you can spend some of this "too hot to be out" time thinking of ways to solve that issue so you're ready for the cooler weather. Maybe someone can stay home With your second daughter; maybe you can find ways to make going out more fun for her; maybe you can find places to go where she can do what she wants to and the others can go cycle (eg if she wants to use a tablet or read instead, maybe you could find somewhere in a park to use as a base and the others can go in circles and keep coming back to you? That might not be the right fit for her at all of course, but just as an example). Dealing with meltdowns isn't as good as/peaceful a solution as finding ways to avoid them happening. 


Juliet 

Sandra Dodd

-=- Being "out" isn't automatically better than being "in"-=-

I agree. Schools sometimes have ONE field trip per year. :-)

The full text of today's "Just Add Light and Stir" is "What memories, sights and sounds can make a place special?"
(There are links, and a photo by Marta, and such, but it's applicable to this question of in or out, I think!)

http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com/2015/02/special-places.html

Sandra

robin.bentley@...


~ However, when they fight and argue and bicker and niggle, let alone hit or be downright rude and disrespectful, I often ask myself whether they're happy at home and why aren't they happy and what am I missing. Of course its not all the time. Sprinkled in amongst the unhappiness are happy moments and periods of time when they're having fun or absorbed in an activity or the tv or the computer or their ipods. So, its just me being grumpy and then that affects everyone else. ~

You have four children who have only been out of a school and homeschool environment for a year (where you can bet they might have been doing the same things, but without adult help - or with parental disapproval). *They* are not done deschooling. I think you might have a fantasy of what unschooling actually looks like - it seems you want all to be magically peaceful, everyone doing what they love with no disagreements, and you not needing to intervene or help them when things go awry. But helping them, in the midst of the realities of being four kids with different needs, is a big part of what being an unschooling parent is about. It's part of their learning process. And thinking of your kids as being "downright rude and disrespectful" is a long way from understanding that they are trying to communicate with you.

~ they fight and argue and bicker and niggle, let alone hit or be downright rude and disrespectful, ~

What do you do, then? What are you doing before things get to this point?

~ I want to believe that our home is better than school because our children have the freedom to explore and think and daydream without time pressures, social pressures, all sorts of other pressures. ~

But *you* are pressuring them. You're pressuring them to go out when they want to stay in. You're pressuring them to get along when they seem to need your assistance to do that. It seems that you're pressuring them to "stop deschooling and start unschooling, darn it, so I can relax."

You also seem to have a very fixed idea that staying in (in the current vernacular) "is the WORST!" It's not. Especially if it's 45+C outside and you have air conditioning! How many things can you do inside? Plenty.

~ Its not forever, this weather, but it is from November through to about April. Its a long long hot time. I really do struggle with it as my energy is oodles better in the cool. ~

You have a yard. Do you have a hose? A sprinkler? Turn it on and sit outside in the shade with a cool drink (or hot tea, whatever works best for you). Get a tarp and make your own slip 'n slide.  Get a kiddie pool and read out loud to anyone who will join you to listen. Let the kids have some fun at home, without the shadow of mom's expectation that to have fun (or do anything worthwhile), it must be out of the house.

Do you have an ice maker or a freezer? Freeze grapes or sliced bananas to eat. Make ice-cold smoothies. Make ice pops. Fill your bathtub up with ice and see if anyone wants to hop in.

There are plenty of possibilities for this situation. Google is helpful. :-) But if it truly is a mindset problem for *you,* then maybe talking to someone who understands unschooling might help. Sandra has a list of such professionals, here (which includes Amy Childs, by the way): Counsellors and Professional Advisors