beensclan@...

Hello,


First off, thank you Sandra for this group.  I have been reading this list and the web site for years and the voices contributing to this group and web site have been my voice of reason often. :)


I'm coming to you all for a bit of advice.  My oldest is about to turn 13 years old.  My other child is about to turn 11.  Both boys are very different from each other.  My youngest has an easy time making friends, enjoys sports and seems to find a lot of joy in life. he came into this world happy and care-free and has continued to remain this way.  My oldest is a deep thinker, very sensitive and is talented in drawing, painting and is very involved in computer gaming. He was a baby who often cried and needed me almost constantly.  It was his high needs that led me to Dr. Sears and then to unschooling. Friendships have in the last few years been challenging at times for him and I know (he has told me) that he wishes he had more good friends. 


Here is what is bringing me here to you. In the past while, my oldest has been putting down my youngest almost constantly.  Any interest my youngest has in anything, my oldest will make hurtful comments.  My oldest also will make hurtful comments about my youngest son's appearance or clothing choices. (My youngest likes skateboarding and skateboarding clothing, etc.) My youngest is starting to be really affected by this ongoing harassment. 


All this is very upsetting to myself and my husband.  We have intentionally created a safe home environment where we are all free from abuse of any kind.  My husband and I have always been kind to each other. We may have our disagreements but we never attack each others appearance, interests, etc.  That also applies to how we treat the boys.


Whenever my oldest says something hurtful, I try to deal with it on the spot. I try to separate the boys if possible and I talk to him all the time about how hurtful words can be, how he is not only hurting his brother, but himself as well.  Lately though, I'm so frustrated by this behaviour, I find myself dreading times when we are all together.  


My other strategy is that I am encouraging my oldest to begin going to a teen HS group. I didn't say this to anyone but I'm really hoping that he makes some new friends and finds people with his interests. 


I have a feeling that he feels very alone.  He seems to have a hard time blending in with the kids who hang out here.   I wish so badly that he could see that he is a very talented and special young man with a great dry sense of humour that a lot of people his age don't yet get,  who is wonderful, without having to demean his brother.  


I really appreciate any insight on this matter.  


Thanks,  Mel


 







Sandra Dodd

-=- We have intentionally created a safe home environment where we are all free from abuse of any kind. -=-

Not according to your post.  One of your children is being constantly harrassed.

I have said this to one of my kids, if he was being mean:  "Holly has the right to peace in her own home.  If a neighbor or a stranger came over and said things like that I would throw him out or call the police.  I’m not going to let you do it to her.  Stop.”

Say STOP
Say NO.  Leave the room if you can’t be nicer.
Say  That is not okay.  And say it like you mean it, not in a sing-songey mom voice.

-=-Whenever my oldest says something hurtful, I try to deal with it on the spot. I try to separate the boys if possible and I talk to him all the time about how hurtful words can be, how he is not only hurting his brother, but himself as well.-=-

Too much talking.
If it’s “all the time” it’s not working at all.
Don’t let him finish a sentence, if he’s being derisive.  Hold up your hand and say “NO.”

-=- I wish so badly that he could see that he is a very talented and special young man with a great dry sense of humour that a lot of people his age don't yet get,  who is wonderful, without having to demean his brother.  -=-

If other people don’t get it, then it’s not so much humor as it is rudeness.   Communicating needs to be about the other person—he can’t create relationships if he can’t listen, and say things the other people DO understand and appreciate.

-=-He seems to have a hard time blending in with the kids who hang out here.   -=-

Talk to him about making other people feel welcome and comfortable, maybe, then.  We did that early, about the responsibility of having guests—they  need to have a nice time, even if it’s inconvenient for us.

-=-My other strategy is that I am encouraging my oldest to begin going to a teen HS group. I didn't say this to anyone but I'm really hoping that he makes some new friends and finds people with his interests. -=-

Homeschooling isn’t enough “in common” to base a friendship on.  He might find friends.  But it might be better to find a gaming shop or club or volunteer work based on something he likes and is interested in.  

Sandra