kgharriman1@...

So this has been stated in my direction twice recently. I have been told that because our daughter is very bright (has been referred to as 'gifted' if such a thing exists?) that I am "not being fair on her" by not having her at school. Somehow this correlation is made. Both sets of grandparents feel similarly. Its tough to hear this because it tugs at my doubts. So then I wonder whether unschooling is right afterall. All those hours spent watching movies, jumping on the trampoline, playing on the ipod, listening or reading Harry Potter, lots of other times when it looks like she's not doing much at all...... is she bored? Am I doing enough? Is keeping her in the world and at home not stimulating enough? Maybe its honing in on my constant question over HOW to keep her stimulated when she isn't one of those very busy kids into everything doing everything all the time. I think her mind is very active. Its not visible though nor can I produce anything that reflects this busy mind to satisfy myself and others that she's DOING stuff so of course its fair - see - she's doing all this stuff!!


So, I find myself quite taken aback when I am accused of being unfair to my daughter by not sending her to school to be challenged and stimulated.


Has anyone else met with these types of comments?

D. Regan

my constant question over HOW to keep her stimulated

It may help to think about how it would feel to you, if the people around you were 'constantly' thinking of how to keep you "stimulated".   It's quite detached, quite objectifying.  And one directional - Mum attempts to keep daughter stimulated.   
But Mum needs daughter's input to know how to support her!  And daughter needs Mum's understanding and engagement.  From engagement and understanding, love and joy and learning will flow.   Constant thoughts of how to stimulate will be washed away.

It will help if Mum lets go of the "constant" internal agitation about stimulating Daughter, and in the peace that remains, begins to be receptive to her.  Begin to see the world from her perspective, get to know her, what interests her deeply, what does she love?  It will take a while to build the trust and relationship.  And there may be a tendency to want to 'amend' what she loves.  But the more you can listen open-heartedly the sooner things will get better.  Good flowing relationships are at the heart of unschooling, and of growth, trust, confidence, joy, learning.  Our children are not projects to be worked on; they are people whose company we can enjoy.

when she isn't one of those very busy kids into everything doing everything all the time.

It doesn't matter what kinds of things she's interested in - busy, intricate, practical, fanciful, eclectic, focussed etc.  The listening engagement of someone who loves her, will help her to thrive and be happy.  Through engagement, you will know how to make her world bigger, given who she is and what she loves.   

I think her mind is very active. Its not visible though nor can I produce anything that reflects this busy mind to satisfy myself and others that she's DOING stuff so of course its fair - see - she's doing all this stuff!!


One of the best things to help, is confidence, and that will grow with your engagement with your daughter.  Sometimes parents have carried with them into adulthood, a fear of closeness.  Kids benefit so much if parents begin to let go of fears and embrace the wonders of the world; including their children.

:)
Debbie.

Karen James

>>has been referred to as 'gifted' if such a thing exists?<<

Personally, I believe it's a bit of a trap to see a child as gifted.  Here's why I think so. I was labeled gifted as a young child. In my opinion, that set me up for failure. When I was very young, some skills came quickly and easily to me. I read early. I was very good with numbers. The things I was good at also happened to be things family and teachers placed a lot of value on.  But, in time, my skills evened out, and I began to find I couldn't live up to people's inflated expectations of me. Consequently, I felt like a constant disappointment to those I aimed to please. I felt ashamed. Turned out, I was pretty average. The worst part was that I had learned that average wasn't anywhere near as remarkable as being special or gifted or bright or any one of those labels we like to reward children with.  I felt like a fraud for years afterward -- oddly, like *I* had duped people into believing I was special. Strange, but true.  And sad.  And, hard to overcome, emotionally.  

True prodigies will reveal themselves when they find that one special pursuit (or multiple pursuits) they excel at. Otherwise (and most likely even still) I believe, as unschooling parents, it is best to focus on providing the best possible environment we can for our children to ensure they learn and thrive with lots of room to discover and explore their own strengths, and plenty of uncoerced opportunities to develop in places that might present more challenges.  In my opinion unschooling will work well for children of all abilities when the focus is on partnering with the whole child.  Look at your child.  Not at what you think about your child.  Not about what others tell you about your child. Look at her whole self.  Encourage others to see her this way too, if and when you can.  

>>So then I wonder whether unschooling is right afterall.<<

It depends what you want for your daughter, for yourself, and for your family.  It depends on what your partner or husband wants, if that applies.  It depends on what your daughter wants.  It depends how well you understand or are willing to work to understand what you are doing and why.  It depends on your commitment to making unschooling work well. For a deeper understanding of unschooling, Pam Larrichia's books and email series are wonderful:


>>Am I doing enough?<<

I asked the same question a few years back. I got an excellent, but unexpected reply. I was told if I thought I wasn't doing enough, then to do more.  Now, if our unschooling days start to feel a bit stale to me, I try to make them lively again by using what I know about my son to introduce something(s) fresh to our experience. Doing this has never lead me astray. It might take me in a completely different direction from what I had in mind, but, to me, that's a big part of the fun of this life.

Karen James.

K Pennell

I'd point out that the schools are full of very bored "gifted" students. Schools (at least in my experience) are trying to teach all kids this age the same thing. Since not all kids are ready, kids who learn a bit more quickly are apt to be bored. Some schools have "gifted" programs, but most don't. Even if they do, the things they aim to teach may not engage your daughter's interest. You are in the best position to offer her a stimulating environment.

I think most of us probably feel sometimes like we aren't "doing enough" to provide stimulation and opportunities. I can usually tell when he's getting bored or restless. He doesn't necessarily know what he wants, but is open to ideas at that point. Some ideas are vetoed, others we try. Occasionally, we hit on an idea that becomes a new regular thing (like bowling with Grandpa) that is eagerly anticipated. 

One thing I started doing a couple of years ago is filling out a weekly "What my son is..." doing/reading/making/talking about/watching/visiting etc...Pam posted the idea here, and it's been great. What happened is that I realized there was way more cool stuff going on than I realized. Writing it down helped ME to relax.

From: "kgharriman1@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, July 25, 2014 7:55 AM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] "its not fair on her"!



So this has been stated in my direction twice recently. I have been told that because our daughter is very bright (has been referred to as 'gifted' if such a thing exists?) that I am "not being fair on her" by not having her at school. Somehow this correlation is made. Both sets of grandparents feel similarly. Its tough to hear this because it tugs at my doubts. So then I wonder whether unschooling is right afterall. All those hours spent watching movies, jumping on the trampoline, playing on the ipod, listening or reading Harry Potter, lots of other times when it looks like she's not doing much at all...... is she bored? Am I doing enough? Is keeping her in the world and at home not stimulating enough? Maybe its honing in on my constant question over HOW to keep her stimulated when she isn't one of those very busy kids into everything doing everything all the time. I think her mind is very active. Its not visible though nor can I produce anything that reflects this busy mind to satisfy myself and others that she's DOING stuff so of course its fair - see - she's doing all this stuff!!

So, I find myself quite taken aback when I am accused of being unfair to my daughter by not sending her to school to be challenged and stimulated.

Has anyone else met with these types of comments?




Sandra Dodd

-=-True prodigies will reveal themselves ...-=-

Sometimes "true prodigies" are thwarted or slapped down.  "Prodigious" is bigger, better, weirdly, oddly more.
But unless it's prodigious kindness, or prodigious fun, it can be a big problem.

In school, social prodigies are told to leave the other kids along and not talk so much.
Musical prodigies are told to stop drumming with their pencils on the desktops and cafeteria trays, to stop singing to themselves all the time.  
Art prodigies are told to stop doodling and pay attention (even though doodling might be the only way they're able to concentrate at all).

Every child who has options WILL explore the things that appeal to him, and WILL understand more quickly the sorts of things his personal intelligence set sees and knows.

School measures and values verbal and mathematical intelligence, and most of the rest are desert  and reward.   If someone is a great dancer or athlete or philosopher or sculptor, he or she will have opportunities dangled as rewards for "working hard" in math and English.  

-=- I was labeled gifted as a young child. In my opinion, that set me up for failure. When I was very young, some skills came quickly and easily to me. I read early. I was very good with numbers. The things I was good at also happened to be things family and teachers placed a lot of value on.  But, in time, my skills evened out,...-=-

It's like getting tall early.  Being the tallest child at ten years old does NOT mean that person will still be the tallest when they're all twenty.  Being the fastest runner at four years old does NOT mean being a track star.

Most people see those as spurious examples.  But that's probably because they weren't expected to cure cancer or create a colony on Mars just because they could multiply when they were six or spell long words and use commas at seven.

Looking at those things should be reminders that the form and format of school is NOT what we should be emulating if we want our children to be whole and strong and to add solidly and sensibly to their base of knowledge of ALL things.

Sandra

janine davies

>.>Sometimes "true prodigies" are thwarted or slapped down. <<

Gillian Lynne the choreographer of 'CATS' the musical was sent to the doctor by her school because she could not sit still ( or stand still either) and was constantly being 'slapped down' by the teacher. She says herself if it had been now she would have been diagnosed with ADHD or the like, she is in her 80's now so hyperactive was probably more used as a term back then. The doctor was intrigued instead of bored luckily, and after speaking with Gilliane and her mum for a bit he said he had to speak to Gilliane's mum alone in another room, but before he left the room with just Gillian in it he flicked on the radio, peeking through the door window the doctor and mum saw Gilliane immediately jump up and start dancing around the room and apparently so freely and joyfully that mum and doctor were visibly moved….And so started Gillian's dance life, including full time ballet school (and back then it was dance classes all day practically) , and the rest as they say is history. 

>>In school, social prodigies are told to leave the other kids alone and not talk so much.<<

I have never thought of it like this and it's such a revelation! A social prodigy. 

 My son is exactly that and he was constantly 'slapped down and thwarted' and punished at school for talking, but not just to the kids - to the teacher also, and to himself. He just needs to talk through everything he is doing and to whom ever is near by , and he always had way to many questions that needed answering for a school setting to cope with, but he couldn't  stop doing it because thats who he is - he has always chatted to everyone and anyone, desperate to impart his knowledge, and particularly good at talking to adults in social situations - charming, funny and interesting, and it does throw many as they are not expecting it, and my friends have always marvelled at how much he chats to me and tells me stuff  so it does appear that he is a 'social prodigy'! And it is a skill and a good tool for life, not that I will get hung up on this too much or even mention it again, but thank you Sandra  - it is a great way to see and understand that there is no end to prodigy ness (i think i just made that word up!) if they are able to follow and indulge their interests even if it's talking! and be wholly who they are in their childhoods, I definitely feel that my son is in the best place at home and unschooling and being able to chit chat and question his way through the day.

Janine x  







To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Date: Fri, 25 Jul 2014 17:56:31 -0600
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] "its not fair on her"!

 
-=-True prodigies will reveal themselves ...-=-

Sometimes "true prodigies" are thwarted or slapped down.  "Prodigious" is bigger, better, weirdly, oddly more.
But unless it's prodigious kindness, or prodigious fun, it can be a big problem.

In school, social prodigies are told to leave the other kids along and not talk so much.
Musical prodigies are told to stop drumming with their pencils on the desktops and cafeteria trays, to stop singing to themselves all the time.  
Art prodigies are told to stop doodling and pay attention (even though doodling might be the only way they're able to concentrate at all).

Every child who has options WILL explore the things that appeal to him, and WILL understand more quickly the sorts of things his personal intelligence set sees and knows.

School measures and values verbal and mathematical intelligence, and most of the rest are desert  and reward.   If someone is a great dancer or athlete or philosopher or sculptor, he or she will have opportunities dangled as rewards for "working hard" in math and English.  

-=- I was labeled gifted as a young child. In my opinion, that set me up for failure. When I was very young, some skills came quickly and easily to me. I read early. I was very good with numbers. The things I was good at also happened to be things family and teachers placed a lot of value on.  But, in time, my skills evened out,...-=-

It's like getting tall early.  Being the tallest child at ten years old does NOT mean that person will still be the tallest when they're all twenty.  Being the fastest runner at four years old does NOT mean being a track star.

Most people see those as spurious examples.  But that's probably because they weren't expected to cure cancer or create a colony on Mars just because they could multiply when they were six or spell long words and use commas at seven.

Looking at those things should be reminders that the form and format of school is NOT what we should be emulating if we want our children to be whole and strong and to add solidly and sensibly to their base of knowledge of ALL things.

Sandra