Angry 6 year old
Caroline Gallear
I'd appreciate some ideas on how to help my 6 year old son express his anger.
He has started to have very upset/angry episodes, starting from things like a little argument with his 8 year old sister, or his 1 year old sister touching his toys, or some other seemingly small thing, often out of his or my control (Daddy has to go out now etc).
He starts by flopping around on the floor complaining, but by then it's too late to talk to him already. No matter what I do, he quickly progresses to shouting, kicking and throwing anything in reach. I clear away anything obviously breakable, but he will attack anything and everything and I can't move it all (doors, stairgate etc are still getting damaged). At the moment I'm trying to stay calm and available for him, but I've ended up holding him down as he's causing damage to his and other people's things, as well as hitting/kicking me and my husband.
We're telling him it's ok to feel angry, but how best can he vent his feelings without causing damage? We've suggested (when he's ready to talk) thumping pillows, being held/wrapped up tight, going outside for a run around or bounce on the mini trampoline, but he doesn't want to do any of these.
I guess he is maybe working through some other issues as well as the annoyances that seem to start each episode, but I would like to help him through it better.
Thanks for any ideas.
Caroline.
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
Seems like you are looking for how to fix it when he is already angry.
I think first you really need to focus on before. Focus on preventing him to get to this point.
What is going on before he gets angry?
Is he tired, hungry, thirsty?
Does he need his own room and space to get away from siblings?
Are you there not only right next to him but connected and available or busy getting things done around the house?
I think first you really need to focus on before. Focus on preventing him to get to this point.
What is going on before he gets angry?
Is he tired, hungry, thirsty?
Does he need his own room and space to get away from siblings?
Are you there not only right next to him but connected and available or busy getting things done around the house?
Alex Polikowsky
On Sunday, July 20, 2014 12:09 PM, "Caroline Gallear carolinegallear@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:
I'd appreciate some ideas on how to help my 6 year old son express his anger.
He has started to have very upset/angry episodes, starting from things like a little argument with his 8 year old sister, or his 1 year old sister touching his toys, or some other seemingly small thing, often out of his or my control (Daddy has to go out now etc).
He starts by flopping around on the floor complaining, but by then it's too late to talk to him already. No matter what I do, he quickly progresses to shouting, kicking and throwing anything in reach. I clear away anything obviously breakable, but he will attack anything and everything and I can't move it all (doors, stairgate etc are still getting damaged). At the moment I'm trying to stay calm and available for him, but I've ended up holding him down as he's causing damage to his and other people's things, as well as hitting/kicking me and my husband.
We're telling him it's ok to feel angry, but how best can he vent his feelings without causing damage? We've suggested (when he's ready to talk) thumping pillows, being held/wrapped up tight, going outside for a run around or bounce on the mini trampoline, but he doesn't want to do any of these.
I guess he is maybe working through some other issues as well as the annoyances that seem to start each episode, but I would like to help him through it better.
Thanks for any ideas.
Caroline.
Greg and Kirsty Harriman
Hi Caroline
this sounds very similar to a stage/phase our eldest daughter
went through from about 61/2 to 8! She started to get angry and throw things etc
as a response to what seemed minor issues. It was very difficult and I
didn’t understand what was going on. I googled, I read, I sought help... I
thought about all those types of tools like wrapping her up tight and chair
hammocks to swing her though. I never really worked out why this was
happening. And her reactions triggered MY reactions and sometimes I felt like
such a lousy mother.
Sometimes these reactions happen suddenly and, like you say,
it gets too late to talk and what used to be a relatively uneventful process
(like Daddy going to work) all of a sudden is a major catastrophe and it hits
you for a six. How to know how to prevent it... you can look at hunger and
fatigue and space. Sometimes it just IS and its deep and its developmental.
What I don’t understand about unschooling is when you
recognise these things (hunger, fatigue etc) the child will not go to bed even
when they’re super pale and tired and will not eat sustaining food when
complaining about being hungry and reaches for another sugary thing EVEN when we
go about facilitating these things. When you know how much better she would feel
if she just went to bed earlier (as an adult I feel infinitely better if I go to
bed before midnight even if I do sleep in the next morning). So sometimes its
easy to say that you need to look at how to prevent meltdowns and find ways to
ensure a child doesn’t reach breaking point, in practice when there are several
children’s needs to consider and try to meet, its definitely not easy and these
perfect scenarios are often met with compromise.. and meltdowns results. I have
four children. I am literally not able to be in several places at once and
therefore to always prevent the meltdown. Its life.
Anyway, by the time she reached 8 these angry outbursts
subsided and now she’s 9 she is able to process her way through her emotions
much better (though still has upsets/frustrations of course – my recent thread
about pointe shoes is an example - she is able to not go completely
overboard in her angry expressions like she used to).
There were other factors at that time like my fourth pregnancy
and a new baby. I was also trying not very successfully to homeschool in a more
top down kind of way then. We had very little money to spend on things so I was
probably saying no a lot more than I do now.
Apart from these external factors, which of course are
entirely unique to everyone and the dynamics that result are unique, I believe
in general (though certainly not in every child) that 6-7 is a
transition stage between early and middle childhood (like the tween years). They
are in-between as well and its confusing. I also notice a lot of upsetness
around the time a tooth is lost. If its wobbly for a while it really is annoying
and calmness resumes once the tooth is out.
So, unless a child is legitimately on the spectrum somewhere
(which you would probably know by now maybe?) I would see it as a normal
developmental phase and to not react or take it personally or see it as a
reflection on you or anything like that (all of which I did and now in hindsight
I see clearly these internal reactions from me didn’t help one little
bit).
I am sure not every child reacts to various developmental
phases in the same way and other people might not notice a single thing
different at this time. I did – it was a definite period of time which has
now passed and quite possibly will re-emerge when we reach another difficult
developmental phase (eg, teens) because of her nature so I wanted to share our
experience. By reading about unschooling across all facets of life
learning and constantly learning how to bring the principles into our home I am
hoping that I will be better skilled to connect with our daughter when it
happens again instead of feeling lost and confused which didn’t help.
Kirsty
From: mailto:[email protected]
Sent: Sunday, July 20, 2014 9:16 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Angry 6 year old
I'd appreciate some ideas on how to help my 6 year old son express
his anger.
He has started to have very upset/angry episodes, starting from things like
a little argument with his 8 year old sister, or his 1 year old sister touching
his toys, or some other seemingly small thing, often out of his or my control
(Daddy has to go out now etc).
He starts by flopping around on the floor complaining, but by then it's too
late to talk to him already. No matter what I do, he quickly progresses to
shouting, kicking and throwing anything in reach. I clear away anything
obviously breakable, but he will attack anything and everything and I can't move
it all (doors, stairgate etc are still getting damaged). At the moment I'm
trying to stay calm and available for him, but I've ended up holding him down as
he's causing damage to his and other people's things, as well as hitting/kicking
me and my husband.
We're telling him it's ok to feel angry, but how best can he vent his
feelings without causing damage? We've suggested (when he's ready to talk)
thumping pillows, being held/wrapped up tight, going outside for a run around or
bounce on the mini trampoline, but he doesn't want to do any of
these.
I guess he is maybe working through some other issues as well as the
annoyances that seem to start each episode, but I would like to help him through
it better.
Thanks for any ideas.
Caroline.
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
I have heard book The Explosive Child by Green is a very good book for parents with kids quick to anger and explosive behaviors and I have seen it recommended in this list!
Alex Polikowsky
On Sunday, July
20, 2014 2:50 PM, "BRIAN POLIKOWSKY polykowholsteins@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:
Seems like you are looking for how to fix it when he is already angry.
I think first you really need to focus on before. Focus on preventing him to get to this point.
What is going on before he gets angry?
Is he tired, hungry, thirsty?
Does he need his own room and space to get away from siblings?
Are you there not only right next to him but connected and available or busy getting things done around the house?
I think first you really need to focus on before. Focus on preventing him to get to this point.
What is going on before he gets angry?
Is he tired, hungry, thirsty?
Does he need his own room and space to get away from siblings?
Are you there not only right next to him but connected and available or busy getting things done around the house?
Alex Polikowsky
On Sunday, July 20, 2014 12:09 PM, "Caroline Gallear carolinegallear@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:
I'd appreciate some ideas on how to help my 6 year old son express his anger.
He has started to have very upset/angry episodes, starting from things like a little argument with his 8 year old sister, or his 1 year old sister touching his toys, or some other seemingly small thing, often out of his or my control (Daddy has to go out now etc).
He starts by flopping around on the floor complaining, but by then it's too late to talk to him already. No matter what I do, he quickly progresses to shouting, kicking and throwing anything in reach. I clear away anything obviously breakable, but he will attack anything and everything and I can't move it all (doors, stairgate etc are still getting damaged). At the moment I'm trying to stay calm and available for him, but I've ended up holding him down as he's causing damage to his and other people's things, as well as hitting/kicking me and my husband.
We're telling him it's ok to feel angry, but how best can he vent his feelings without causing damage? We've suggested (when he's ready to talk) thumping pillows, being held/wrapped up tight, going outside for a run around or bounce on the mini trampoline, but he doesn't want to do any of these.
I guess he is maybe working through some other issues as well as the annoyances that seem to start each episode, but I would like to help him through it better.
Thanks for any ideas.
Caroline.
Joyce Fetteroll
On Jul 20, 2014, at 8:21 PM, 'Greg and Kirsty Harriman' kgharriman1@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
When you're irritated and people are pushing you to go take a nap, it's irritating! Someone who feels her choices are her own can usually hear directions as suggestions. Someone who feels pressured by others to do things the "right" way -- e.g., the other person's way -- will feel suggestions as pressure and will fight against it.
When emotion and tiredness overwhelm a child, reason won't help. Be clever, gentle and understanding. Learn from the meltdown. Learn how to notice signs *before* the meltdown, *before* they're too tired.
Sugary snacks are usually easy to grab and eat. And they taste good! :-) Make other foods easy or easier to grab and go. Make monkey platters:
http://sandradodd.com/eating/monkeyplatter
Don't wait until your child is emotional to try to reason. Get there sooner.
*** When you know how much better she would feel if she just went to bed earlier ***
Being certain you know what's best for another person will get in the way of unschooling. You *might* have the idea that will help, but the certainty and the pressure to do it creates resistance.
Be more open to being less certain about one idea. Be more open to there being lots of ideas rather than holding on to *the* one idea you're sure is right.
But more importantly be more aware so you can help your child before she gets to a stage where she doesn't want to try anything, she just wants the feeling to go away.
*** in practice when there are several children’s needs to consider and try to meet, ***
Human nature doesn't change just because you have more children than you feel you can always find the energy to be patient and kind to. Don't expect your child to be understanding that you can't help her sweetly just because you decided to have 3 other kids.
Radical unschooling isn't about being nice because radically unschooling parents are nice. It's about understanding human nature and using that understanding to respond to your children's needs. An only melting down needs as much gentleness and patience as one of four who is melting down.
I may be guessing wrong here, but it's possible that you're reacting to your kids' feelings and needs with distress. Your kids will feed off your feelings which will make them more distressed. Breathe. The more calm you are, the more you'll feel like a stable rock in their lives they can hold on to. The more distressed you are by their distress, the more you'll feel like a wobbly unstable place to anchor to.
Joyce
> What I don’t understand about unschooling isIt's not unschooling you're not understanding. It's human nature. It's the human drive to make our own choices that can make us want the opposite of what someone is pressuring us to do. It's the nature of humans who lack experience for emotions to overwhelm logic and the senses.
When you're irritated and people are pushing you to go take a nap, it's irritating! Someone who feels her choices are her own can usually hear directions as suggestions. Someone who feels pressured by others to do things the "right" way -- e.g., the other person's way -- will feel suggestions as pressure and will fight against it.
When emotion and tiredness overwhelm a child, reason won't help. Be clever, gentle and understanding. Learn from the meltdown. Learn how to notice signs *before* the meltdown, *before* they're too tired.
Sugary snacks are usually easy to grab and eat. And they taste good! :-) Make other foods easy or easier to grab and go. Make monkey platters:
http://sandradodd.com/eating/monkeyplatter
Don't wait until your child is emotional to try to reason. Get there sooner.
*** When you know how much better she would feel if she just went to bed earlier ***
Being certain you know what's best for another person will get in the way of unschooling. You *might* have the idea that will help, but the certainty and the pressure to do it creates resistance.
Be more open to being less certain about one idea. Be more open to there being lots of ideas rather than holding on to *the* one idea you're sure is right.
But more importantly be more aware so you can help your child before she gets to a stage where she doesn't want to try anything, she just wants the feeling to go away.
*** in practice when there are several children’s needs to consider and try to meet, ***
Human nature doesn't change just because you have more children than you feel you can always find the energy to be patient and kind to. Don't expect your child to be understanding that you can't help her sweetly just because you decided to have 3 other kids.
Radical unschooling isn't about being nice because radically unschooling parents are nice. It's about understanding human nature and using that understanding to respond to your children's needs. An only melting down needs as much gentleness and patience as one of four who is melting down.
I may be guessing wrong here, but it's possible that you're reacting to your kids' feelings and needs with distress. Your kids will feed off your feelings which will make them more distressed. Breathe. The more calm you are, the more you'll feel like a stable rock in their lives they can hold on to. The more distressed you are by their distress, the more you'll feel like a wobbly unstable place to anchor to.
Joyce
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
<<<<<<<<<<<What I don’t understand about unschooling is when you recognise these things (hunger, fatigue etc) the child will not go to bed even when they’re super pale and tired >>>>>>>>>>
Maybe the parent need to be more aware before the child gets to the point of being so tired. Maybe you can invite your child, before she is exhausted, to watch some of her favorite shows in a quite room with low light. Maybe the parent can give the child a massage. Maybe the parent should create a sleep inducing environment with low lights and not too much noise. Or go read a book together.
If you child gets so tired that they are exploding and by that time you cannot help them rest you need to step in way before it gets to that point.
It is specially important if a child has ever have bed times enforced.
It is very important to be a partner and help your child rest.
<<<<<<<<<<and will not eat sustaining food when complaining about being hungry and reaches for another sugary thing EVEN when we go about facilitating these things. >>>>>>
There are tons of "sugary things" that are good for a child. Children needs lots of calories and energy sustaining calories. Plus make sure they are getting some protein!
Granola bars, peanut butter, and many other things are great. There is nothing wrong.
What the parents needs to do is to keep offering all kinds of food *before* the child is so hungry they are melting down. I try to offer food every 3-4 hours. Bring them snacks. Make monkey platters. When my kids were younger it was every 2-3 hours.
I have noticed that when my children reach for a candy because they are hungry I am a little late sometimes and that is the easiest energy source. I then make them some quick food or snacks and bring them and 10 times out of 10 they will eat that.
Sometimes they want the candy because that is what they want but I still offer and bring them food.
Be more proactive. If they have options and choices then they truly can chose what feels good for *their* body!
And I am not talking about waiting for a 6 year old to ask for eggs and fruit !! Make him and bring it to him!
Make him some monkey platters and offer. Don't ask every time what they want to eat or wait until they are hungry .
<<<<When you know how much better she would feel if she just went to bed earlier (as an adult I feel infinitely better if I go to bed before midnight even if I do sleep in the next morning).>>>>>
Maybe. Maybe not. I have always been a night owl. It does not matter what time I have to get up in the morning going to bed before midnight ( I do go to bed I just don;t sleep before midnight -earliest is like 11 PM) is not something that happens.
I do not feel better going to bed earlier either.
If a child can sleep in and you make sure they have a dark room so they do not wake up because it is too bright it should not matter what time they went to bed but how many hours they slept.
Both my kids need a minimun of 10 hours sleep normally. Sometimes even 12. Very few times they sleep 9 hours.
You are assuming your kids are like you. If you have many kids I bet it has been a long time since you were able to sleep in. Maybe sleeping in for you is still less sleep than when you did not have kids and truly woke up when you were done sleeping.
That is different than kids that do not have to get up to care for others. :)
So you do not understand unschooling when related to your child being hungry and tired and not doing what you think will fix them.
Think about this;
Be more proactive. Help them get the rest. Make all kids of food not only available but bring it to them. Be more connected and be a partner.
It will not prevent kids from getting hungry or tired `100 % of the time but it will help most.
Even adults sometimes forget to eat or are too busy. Woudn't it be nice if your spouse brought you a nice snack and drink when you were busy ( playing for the kids !)?
Wouldn't it be nice if he offered you a back massage if he knew you were very very tired but too keyed up to relax and sleep. Or maybe turn down the lights and light some candles and bring a cup of herbal tee and sat with your calmly and talked about something sweet and led you to relax enough so you could fall asleep easier?
That would all be nice and mindful.
Not if he told you to go eat and you grabbed and candy bar and he complained that you are not eating the right food that would not feel as lovingly.
If he told you to go to bed because you needed and you would feel better when you were to tired to even relax that would not help much would it?
Be that partner that brings you snacks and drinks before you are eating all the candy bars but the one that also buys you a stash of your favorite candy bar to eat whenever you felt like it.
Be that partner that helped you relax and soothed you when you were tired without nagging you and telling you how to live your life because he knows better.
That is closer to unschooling.
Alex Polikowsky
semajrak@...
>>I'd appreciate some ideas on how to help my 6 year old son express his anger.<<
It has been my thinking for a while, from observing my own son and his friends, that from the ages of 5 to 7, children are starting to understand they have a lot of potential power and influence as individuals. I feel like it is an age when many children are learning how to use their newly discovered power to get what they need. Several factors seem to influence how they do come to express themselves. What they've witnessed in the home between adults is a big one. The personality of the child seems to matter. How adults respond to the child in these moments of frustration also seems to have influence.
Five was a tough year for Ethan and I. He wasn't explosive, but that's not his personality. He expressed very strong feelings though, and we hit some walls together. During that time, I noticed a few things that might help.
Ethan seemed to want to know that his ideas, feelings and actions mattered and made a difference. The more I showed him they did, the more he trusted I cared, and the less angry and frustrated he was with me.
Ethan, being of the age he was, needed me to act fast. No "Just a minute". I don't mean I never made him wait. Sometimes I couldn't help it. But, I didn't make him wait while I finished washing that last dish, or folding that last piece of clothing, or finishing that last sentence in something I was reading. If I was talking with an adult, I excused myself from our conversation right away if we weren't talking about something really important. He knew that I wouldn't make him wait, even if it was to tell me something I didn't think was particularly important. To him it was important. He told me once that if he didn't tell me right away, he would forget, and forgetting made him really sad -- like he has lost something precious, I think. In that moment I realized just how important sharing his experience with loving, caring adults was, and I told myself I would do my best to honour that. I did get a fair amount of comments about how "I jumped" for him, and that would lead him to being spoiled and self-absorbed. He's eleven now. He's neither. And, he's much more patient. :-)
I gave him lots of options to express his feelings. For him it was sadness. He had big, big expressions of sadness. Some things worked. Some things didn't. Some things only worked once, then we needed to find something else. He didn't like me talking a lot while he was in the middle of a big feeling. He still doesn't. He didn't like to be touched or reassured. The most important thing was that *I* stay calm. If I was nervous or frustrated or acting frantically, my actions affected his feelings negatively. If I could stay calm and focussed and ready to help, that seemed to have a great effect. If I could not make his feelings about me, that really helped him too.
I gave him lots of options to express his feelings. For him it was sadness. He had big, big expressions of sadness. Some things worked. Some things didn't. Some things only worked once, then we needed to find something else. He didn't like me talking a lot while he was in the middle of a big feeling. He still doesn't. He didn't like to be touched or reassured. The most important thing was that *I* stay calm. If I was nervous or frustrated or acting frantically, my actions affected his feelings negatively. If I could stay calm and focussed and ready to help, that seemed to have a great effect. If I could not make his feelings about me, that really helped him too.
I trusted him. I trusted that he was working through something he needed to work through. I trusted that he wasn't trying to be difficult or get his way or manipulate me. Those were the things I was hearing from family and some friends. I choose to trust Ethan. I believe that people can see when we doubt them, even when we don't say so aloud.
I'm going to pull out one thing to show you. You said it starts with:
"flopping around on the floor complaining"
Changing your internal thinking to be focused on seeing what he is really experiencing and looking to find solutions will be a great tool for you. Next time try to see what it really starts with. If you're thinking "flopping and complaining", you're not seeing what he's really feeling. If you can't see more clearly what he's experiencing it will be harder for you to come up with helpful solutions. If I was sad and talking with my husband, I'm sure I would be able to tell if he was thinking I was "crying and complaining" by the way he responded to me. If he was thinking something like "she is really sad and needs my support", he would respond very differently. I know that's true for me. I've seen the shift in my own actions when I shift my thinking to be more compassionate of the person struggling. Your son will see it too. I'm sure of that.
I'm going to pull out one thing to show you. You said it starts with:
"flopping around on the floor complaining"
Changing your internal thinking to be focused on seeing what he is really experiencing and looking to find solutions will be a great tool for you. Next time try to see what it really starts with. If you're thinking "flopping and complaining", you're not seeing what he's really feeling. If you can't see more clearly what he's experiencing it will be harder for you to come up with helpful solutions. If I was sad and talking with my husband, I'm sure I would be able to tell if he was thinking I was "crying and complaining" by the way he responded to me. If he was thinking something like "she is really sad and needs my support", he would respond very differently. I know that's true for me. I've seen the shift in my own actions when I shift my thinking to be more compassionate of the person struggling. Your son will see it too. I'm sure of that.
Karen James.
Sandra Dodd
-=-and will not eat sustaining food when complaining about being hungry and reaches for another sugary thing EVEN when we go about facilitating these things-=-
Facilitating WHAT things? Hoping she will choose a different food?
If you're unhappy with her for the food she picks when she's hungry, that will contribute to her frustration AND yours.
-=-So sometimes its easy to say that you need to look at how to prevent meltdowns and find ways to ensure a child doesn’t reach breaking point, in practice when there are several children’s needs to consider and try to meet, its definitely not easy and these perfect scenarios are often met with compromise.. and meltdowns results. I have four children. I am literally not able to be in several places at once and therefore to always prevent the meltdown. Its life.-=-
It's too simple to say "not perfect; that's life" and excuse the mother for whatever she decided to do (or not to do).
I have regrets; some parents don't.
If someone decides to dismiss each situation without even trying to do better, they are throwing away opportunity after opportunity to make their child's life, and their own, better in that moment, and in the future.
"As we get older and our kids grow up, we eventually come to realize that all the big things in our lives are really the direct result of how we've handled all the little things." —Pam Sorooshian, June 4, 2007
-=-its definitely not easy and these perfect scenarios are often met with compromise.-=-
No one said "perfect."
This is a situation in which the quote "Perfect is the enemy of good" can be invoked.
I hope every reader here is willing to, is interested in, moving ever toward "good" and away from thoughtless dismissal of the very idea of making better decisions.
ALERT! Drop this, please, from future considerations:
-=-So, unless a child is legitimately on the spectrum somewhere (which you would probably know by now maybe?) I would see it as a normal developmental phase and to not react or take it personally or see it as a reflection on you or anything like that (all of which I did and now in hindsight I see clearly these internal reactions from me didn’t help one little bit).-=-
If there is "a spectrum" and some children are on it, then that is their normal development.
There is a spectrum in every aspect of human biochemistry and behavior. Every trait or intelligence will find some people near "none" and some people "gifted" or seeming to be wise and calm (when it's more their placid biochemistry than any thought or virtue).
-=-it was a definite period of time which has now passed and quite possibly will re-emerge when we reach another difficult developmental phase (eg, teens) because of her nature so I wanted to share our experience. -=-
Many unschoolers have come to think that if teens aren't locked up in schools and controlled and shamed, the teen years aren't difficult. Please don't assume and wait for teen-year trouble. :-)
I assumed, when mine were young, that being teens would be rough, but they were sweet and helpful.
Sandra
Facilitating WHAT things? Hoping she will choose a different food?
If you're unhappy with her for the food she picks when she's hungry, that will contribute to her frustration AND yours.
-=-So sometimes its easy to say that you need to look at how to prevent meltdowns and find ways to ensure a child doesn’t reach breaking point, in practice when there are several children’s needs to consider and try to meet, its definitely not easy and these perfect scenarios are often met with compromise.. and meltdowns results. I have four children. I am literally not able to be in several places at once and therefore to always prevent the meltdown. Its life.-=-
It's too simple to say "not perfect; that's life" and excuse the mother for whatever she decided to do (or not to do).
I have regrets; some parents don't.
If someone decides to dismiss each situation without even trying to do better, they are throwing away opportunity after opportunity to make their child's life, and their own, better in that moment, and in the future.
"As we get older and our kids grow up, we eventually come to realize that all the big things in our lives are really the direct result of how we've handled all the little things." —Pam Sorooshian, June 4, 2007
-=-its definitely not easy and these perfect scenarios are often met with compromise.-=-
No one said "perfect."
This is a situation in which the quote "Perfect is the enemy of good" can be invoked.
I hope every reader here is willing to, is interested in, moving ever toward "good" and away from thoughtless dismissal of the very idea of making better decisions.
ALERT! Drop this, please, from future considerations:
-=-So, unless a child is legitimately on the spectrum somewhere (which you would probably know by now maybe?) I would see it as a normal developmental phase and to not react or take it personally or see it as a reflection on you or anything like that (all of which I did and now in hindsight I see clearly these internal reactions from me didn’t help one little bit).-=-
If there is "a spectrum" and some children are on it, then that is their normal development.
There is a spectrum in every aspect of human biochemistry and behavior. Every trait or intelligence will find some people near "none" and some people "gifted" or seeming to be wise and calm (when it's more their placid biochemistry than any thought or virtue).
-=-it was a definite period of time which has now passed and quite possibly will re-emerge when we reach another difficult developmental phase (eg, teens) because of her nature so I wanted to share our experience. -=-
Many unschoolers have come to think that if teens aren't locked up in schools and controlled and shamed, the teen years aren't difficult. Please don't assume and wait for teen-year trouble. :-)
I assumed, when mine were young, that being teens would be rough, but they were sweet and helpful.
Sandra
Sandra Dodd
This is really helpful for me, Karen, with Holly's big sadnesses sometimes. I will try to remember your words.
-=-For him it was sadness. He had big, big expressions of sadness. Some things worked. Some things didn't. Some things only worked once, then we needed to find something else. He didn't like me talking a lot while he was in the middle of a big feeling. He still doesn't. He didn't like to be touched or reassured. The most important thing was that *I* stay calm. If I was nervous or frustrated or acting frantically, my actions affected his feelings negatively. If I could stay calm and focussed and ready to help, that seemed to have a great effect. If I could not make his feelings about me, that really helped him too.-=-
I do get frustrated when Holly has very strong emotions and big expressions of sadness. I very likely make it worse.
She broke up with a longtime boyfriend. It's been a year, but one of her close friends became his new girlfriend, and the fallout is still surprising her sometimes, about who was invited where, or who knows what.
I still have remorse about things I did and didn't do when I was younger than she is now, so I suppose she might think about these situations for life. But it's not about me.
Partly because we were willing to let her be sad and work through things when she was younger, she's still willing to be home and sharing her sorrow with us now.
I wish I had been more attentive to her in her younger years. I think of a few specific situations when I was busy and she was sad.
So those of you whose children are still young—you're making an investment in your own future and theirs, and in your future together, when you are sompassionate and patient.
Sandra
Megan Valnes
Thank you Alex for your very encouraging words. When you switched the perspective to the husband/wife relationship, it really clicked for me. I too have 4 children and am expecting the 5th. I have been so moody and hormonal so far and my patience has been about nil. I regret my actions a lot lately, but every day--every moment, I try to do better. This thread has reminded me that I must always try to be the kinder, more loving, and thoughtful parent. It is certainly not my kids fault that I'm pregnant and I don't want them to feel they are "paying" for it.
Warmly,
Megan
On Jul 21, 2014 9:49 AM, "Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:
This is really helpful for me, Karen, with Holly's big sadnesses sometimes. I will try to remember your words.
-=-For him it was sadness. He had big, big expressions of sadness. Some things worked. Some things didn't. Some things only worked once, then we needed to find something else. He didn't like me talking a lot while he was in the middle of a big feeling. He still doesn't. He didn't like to be touched or reassured. The most important thing was that *I* stay calm. If I was nervous or frustrated or acting frantically, my actions affected his feelings negatively. If I could stay calm and focussed and ready to help, that seemed to have a great effect. If I could not make his feelings about me, that really helped him too.-=-I do get frustrated when Holly has very strong emotions and big expressions of sadness. I very likely make it worse.She broke up with a longtime boyfriend. It's been a year, but one of her close friends became his new girlfriend, and the fallout is still surprising her sometimes, about who was invited where, or who knows what.I still have remorse about things I did and didn't do when I was younger than she is now, so I suppose she might think about these situations for life. But it's not about me.Partly because we were willing to let her be sad and work through things when she was younger, she's still willing to be home and sharing her sorrow with us now.I wish I had been more attentive to her in her younger years. I think of a few specific situations when I was busy and she was sad.
So those of you whose children are still young—you're making an investment in your own future and theirs, and in your future together, when you are sompassionate and patient.Sandra