anna.black@...

Hello,


I have a choosing to go to school question.  I have a 7 year old and 4 year old who have been unschooling from the beginning of this year.  Prior to this year they attended a Montessori early childhood centre (kinder).  


My older daughter doesn't want to go to school in general, but does sometimes say she wishes she could go to the school that her two particular friends from Montessori kinder went on to attend.  We moved earlier this year, and this school is 45 min away now, probably more like an hour in school traffic.  


My daughter's friends are very important to her, and she misses seeing them every day.  She's making some good homeschool friends, but she sees them only once or twice a week, and it doesn't feel like enough to her.  I take her once a week to play after school with her friends from kinder, which she enjoys, although it does seem to make her miss them more too.  


I don't want to force unschooling on her.  I also don't want to spend 3-4 hours in the car five days a week, selfishly for myself and less selfishly for my 4 year old.  


She seems generally happy, she loves our relaxed mornings, enjoys the two weekly park days we attend, and is learning many things joyfully and confidently.  But if I ask her, she says she would prefer to go to this particular school, even though it's a long drive.  In practice though, she has at times chosen not to go to the weekly play with these friends because she doesn't feel like driving that far.  


Right now I am trying to concentrate on making unschooling even better and more fun for her, making as many opportunities to build strong connections with her homeschooled friends as possible and trying to help her maintain the connection to her old friends too.  But I'm wondering how long I should give it.  In my head I've given us at least a year to settle in to unschooling,  but maybe that's not fair to her.  Maybe I need to let her truly choose and try to make this school work for her.


Any thoughts or links would be very gratefully received.

Sandra@...

If the answer is no, say something like "I'm sorry we don't live close enough anymore."

It's expecting a lot of the other families to keep up a friendship with someone who isn't at that school anymore, too, in general. 

-=-.  But if I ask her, she says she would prefer to go to this particular school, even though it's a long drive. -=-

Then don't ask her!!

-=- But I'm wondering how long I should give it.  In my head I've given us at least a year to settle in to unschooling,  but maybe that's not fair to her.  Maybe I need to let her truly choose and try to make this school work for her.-=-

You can't let her truly choose to go to a school that's too far for you to get to.  It doesn't make financial sense, it seems to be too much danger for what it is, and if she's already opting out of some of the visits (inconveniencing the other families), how much more will she say no when it's still dark outside and you're trying to wake her up?

-=-In my head I've given us at least a year to settle in to unschooling,-=-

How about on the ground, in your house?  You've kept one foot in the school by visiting her friends weekly.

What about the other child, in your potential driving-to-another-town-daily scenario?

Make your life more interesting, more lively.  Turn and look at the 300 degrees you can see WITHOUT turning to gaze back.  It's big world!!

Sandra


 

Sandra Dodd

-=-it seems to be too much danger for what it is,-=-

The amount of time on the road, I mean, with two kids.

Joyce Fetteroll

On Jun 22, 2014, at 6:00 AM, anna.black@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:

> I have a choosing to go to school question.

I don't see it as a choosing to go to school question.

You have a daughter who misses her friends and her old life where she got to see them often. She's grieving. It's hard to see it that way since the door isn't entirely closed as it would be if you moved across the country.

The solution she's come up with is making the 45 minute trip to the Montessori school. But she's idealizing it. As you've observed she really doesn't want to make that drive everyday. It's just that she doesn't see any other way.

You're trying to give her what she's asking for to fix her feelings. It's like it's raining on the day a picnic was planned. You *could* worry that she's disappointed and call up a big tent company to erect a tent. You could rent spotlights that simulate the sun.

It sounds like you're doing well exploring new options so she can move on. But add in some respect that she will feel sad for a while. You can say, "It would be nice if we could snap our fingers and be at their house!" with the same tone you'd use about the rain. That is, with an understanding that life won't always give us what we want.

Joyce

anna.black@...

Thank you both very much.  I think I underestimated how much the house move plus leaving kinder would affect her, which seems stupid now in hindsight.  

I'm also realising some things about her that I didn't know before, like that she has trouble playing with a group of children if she only knows one well.  I always thought she was fine with groups, not realising that those groups were primarily made up of children she had known since she was under three years old.  Those bonds were strong and I am feeling guilty that I took them away from her without very much thought.  

Yesterday she had a lovely time at a homeschooled friend's house who just returned from five weeks in Italy - this is one of the two close homeschooled friends she has made and the absence of that new friend was also making her feel sad.  

I love the 300 degrees image.  She does seem happy now most of the time, and we are working out things to increase her activities in ways that suit her (one on one visits with friends, private piano lessons instead of a group, a smallish, new local group that does nature walks once a week where she has made a very good friend)

I think the idea that forced unschooling is no better than forcing a child to go to school was weighing very heavily on me.  I couldn't separate the missing friends and maybe the daily structure from actually wanting to go to school.  

Rinelle

> My daughter's friends are very important to her, and she misses seeing them every day.  She's making some good homeschool friends,
> but she sees them only once or twice a week, and it doesn't feel like enough to her.
 
It probably isn’t enough for her.
 
My daughter went through a stage around a similar age of wanting to go to school. It went away when we found more homeschooling activities. These days, we’re out either at activities (some just playdates, sometimes short activities, with lots of play around them) at least 4 days a week, sometimes more. This seems to be a good balance for my daughter. But every child is going to be different, and it took us about 6 months of adding or subtracting activities until we found what works for us. We still vary it by adding in one on one (or 2-3 on one!) playdates either at home, or at parks, from month to month. Sometimes I find it easier to offer to look after people’s kids for the day so that my daughter has friends, and I can still get some work done. Most mums jump at the chance. (Except the ones that are as busy as we are, and struggle to find the time!)
 
Tamara

Sandra Dodd

-=-I think I underestimated how much the house move plus leaving kinder would affect her, which seems stupid now in hindsight.  -=-

Please don't use "stupid,"  not even of your own thoughts.  It's harmful.

-=I think the idea that forced unschooling is no better than forcing a child to go to school was weighing very heavily on me.  I couldn't separate the missing friends and maybe the daily structure from actually wanting to go to school.  -=-

Giving kids an option to go to school or to stay home doesn't mean giving them the option of any school in town (nor of towns you don't even live in).

Sandra