meghorvath85@...

I think my husband and I may have found one of the few topics that we're not too sure on how to move forward with. First, there isn't anything going on personally. And both my husband and I have never had to deal with this, on a personal level. My son is just curious from reading things over people's shoulders (the news, books, etc) and wants to really have his questions answered. My overall desire is for my son to have a very clear understanding of what incest is, why it's had so many different paths throughout history, and I think I may want to point out that it's a very sensitive topic however, I don't to turn it into this taboo-ish thing. And he is only 6, so I understand that this may start out with more bits then full pieces of explanation. Has anyone dealt with this? I need some advice. -Meg (sorry if this shows up as one big paragraph, my phone doesn't seen to space things out)

Sandra Dodd

-=- My son is just curious from reading things over people's shoulders (the news, books, etc) and wants to really have his questions answered. My overall desire is for my son to have a very clear understanding of what incest is, why it's had so many different paths throughout history, and I think I may want to point out that it's a very sensitive topic however, I don't to turn it into this taboo-ish thing.-=-

He's six years old.

And it IS a taboo.  Literally.  Big-time taboo.

All you need to say is brothers don't marry sisters, moms and dads don't marry their own children.

If he says "But [this egyptian or royalty story)..." (which i doubt a six-year-old will) say "Yes, different times and cultures have been a little different, but there are always some rules about who can and can't get married.

You can say "get married" instead of "have sex" for a six year old, probably, can't you?

I was told in an anthropology class that the only universal taboo of that sort is that a son does not have sex with his mother.   I wouldn't say that to a six year old.  And there have been things said in anthropology classes that aren't true, anyway. :-)

In the good but depressing August Osage County (well acted, though one Brit actor sang "been" to rhyme with "bean" and he was playing an Okie which makes it twice as wrong)... one story line involves incest, but as there was no chance of reproduction that does seem to make it less. It wasn't overtly discussed—the question of the difference of taboo if the female has been  made surgically unable to have children.    And it shouldn't be discussed with a little kid anyway.

-=-My overall desire is for my son to have a very clear understanding of what incest is-=-

That seems way too much desire, as he's so young.  Define the word and let it go.

Sandra

Deanna

We used this book "The Right Touch"
by Sandy Kleven, LCSW, and found it very helpful. Gently sensibly, NOT
fearfully written.


It is appropriate and helpful for parents and children, even very young
children.


Deanna




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Joyce Fetteroll

On May 12, 2014, at 8:39 AM, meghorvath85@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:

> My overall desire is for my son to have a very clear understanding of what incest is

I think a more useful overall desire for unschooling would be meet *his* goal in asking the question rather than yours. Give a simple and clear answer. Wait for more questions or ask if that answered what he was curious about.

Joyce

Christine Phillipson

we are on a farm. and our children have come to know that related animals shouldn't breed as it causes problems...


so maybe answering now like joyce suggests with as little info as is needed, then casually in the nearish future, you could look at the animal kingdom, without any mention of the word 'incest'... which is to be one of the most horrid words : (


maybe i'm missing your point, but i'll press send in case it helps.


christine

Clare Kirkpatrick

**** though one Brit actor sang "been" to rhyme with "bean" ****

I'm curious...how ought been to have been pronounced? Like "bin"?


Sent from Samsung Mobile

Sandra Dodd

-=-**** though one Brit actor sang "been" to rhyme with "bean" ****

-=-I'm curious...how ought been to have been pronounced? Like "bin"?-=-

Yes.  And he was singing, so it would sound like "bin," but in speech, in rural Oklahoma, it could be a kind of dipthong (two vowel sounds moving from one to the other) that Brits don't own. :-)     Can I indicate it?   biyun kind of.

"How've ya'll been?" would have lots of syllables.  Six syllables, in a way.  :-)

Sandra

meghorvath85@...

Ladies,

Thank you for the feedback.

I have some bad news and the results are pending...

My son brought up the word again (so, this would be the third time) and I gave him a very simple answer and let it go. He came to me later in the day and asked again, but it was more of a "so, if it's a brother and sister not a boy and girl from different families.." I asked him where he heard the word. My son said that he and a friend were playing at the friends house and his little friend said that he saw the two neighbors (which are a sister and brother) doing things behind their shed.

I've spoken with our friends and the boy's mom asked her son some questions and was given the same story from her son that he told mine. The family in question is on vacation until next week. My friend wants to call child services and be done with it. I think we should talk to the parents first. I know this part isn't really what this list is all about, but opinions are welcomed. I'm nervous about moving forward.

I still haven't fully figured out where my son (or his friend) heard the word that I started this topic with however both of us moms have agreed that there needs to be more of an adult presence, for right now anyway, even in our backyards. There always has been between our two families, but more kids have moved into the neighborhood and everyone parents differently, and some kids run around all over and it is now showing what that can leads to, I guess.

Well, if anyone feels compelled to comment - I appreciate it.

Sandra Dodd

-=-I have some bad news and the results are pending...-=-

This sounds like legalese.

Brothers and sisters don't need to be turned in to social services.  They don't even have to be "told on."

It would be totally possible for you and your friend to warn your boys that it would be better to keep their pants on and not play those things, and let the rest go.

Choose peace over drama, when you have the option.

Sandra

meghorvath85@...

That's what I mean by being nervous about moving forward

I don't think anyone on the outside should be called. Not yet, anyway. This of course puts a red flag up for me and will make me want to watch everything hawk-ishly. I've spoken to my husband and one other person about all this and the other person was really severe. She more or less wanted the army, marines, and national guard to be alerted. I don't think that's helpful. I don't see making a big stink about this if it isn't. If it's just kids reaching a stage of curiosity, well? But of course the other side of me thinks that if I don't say anything besides caring for my own kids and this ends up with children getting hurt. Lots of "what ifs" with this.

I feel like this is a case of mind my own business unless something else shows itself.

I'm slightly relieved with the timing on all this. Since they are away I have time to really think. I'm not sure what I would have done had the parents been accessible right away.

Anyway, I had the urge to post this here since everyone is at least one step removed from the people in the situation and the lot of the people on this list tend to think THEN act vs the other way around. That's something I really admire.

Vicki Dennis

My own actions would depend on the ages of all the children.  Plus the difference in age of the brother and sister.   Also, the age of the only witness so far.  I understand about "believe the children" but I also understand about children misinterpreting what they see or transferring worrisome ideas onto someone else.

I might try to keep a closer eye on "behind the shed" as well as perhaps also on the interactions of the witness and your child.

I am with Sandra.   Not enough information to even "tell on" the brother and sister.  Certainly not a reason to call in social services.   I fear that there could easily  be some unintended consequences in that action.

Didn't you say your son was about seven?   If so, I think it unnecessary to even get into the whole incest taboo.  Just explain that curiosity about bodies is fine although many families shame nakedness so perhaps ask an adult about playing show and tell with particular peers.   Insofar as "doing things" that is for older bodies regardless of familial connections.  

vicki






On Fri, May 23, 2014 at 10:05 AM, meghorvath85@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
 

That's what I mean by being nervous about moving forward

I don't think anyone on the outside should be called. Not yet, anyway. This of course puts a red flag up for me and will make me want to watch everything hawk-ishly. I've spoken to my husband and one other person about all this and the other person was really severe. She more or less wanted the army, marines, and national guard to be alerted. I don't think that's helpful. I don't see making a big stink about this if it isn't. If it's just kids reaching a stage of curiosity, well? But of course the other side of me thinks that if I don't say anything besides caring for my own kids and this ends up with children getting hurt. Lots of "what ifs" with this.

I feel like this is a case of mind my own business unless something else shows itself.

I'm slightly relieved with the timing on all this. Since they are away I have time to really think. I'm not sure what I would have done had the parents been accessible right away.

Anyway, I had the urge to post this here since everyone is at least one step removed from the people in the situation and the lot of the people on this list tend to think THEN act vs the other way around. That's something I really admire.