Misa Knight

My (step)son is six years old. Last summer, his mother passed away quite unexpectedly. He had been seeing her every other weekend up until that point (I've been a part of his life since he was three and am the one that stays home with him each day while his father's at work). We (that is, his father, his mother, and I) had agreed to unschooling prior to her death, but our implementation of that was extremely different. Unschooling, such as it was (technically, his kindergarten year would have been this year because of when his birthday is), was somewhat limited - as it usually is when you're dealing with two households.

Additionally, in the last year and a half before her death, she met, moved in with, and married a man who believed in "making fun of" bad behavior (in the form of belittling) and seemed quite strict compared to home life here. And a few weeks before her death, my son came home from time at her house in pull-ups for having too many accidents (the stepfather's insistence)... they were camping so whenever he'd have an accident, according to him, his mother would spray him down with a hose (he's very sensitive to temperature) - she admitted to using the hose but argued it wasn't "spraying him down". Regardless, accidents never happened during the day here and only overnight on nights coming and going over there. After this, he had a few daytime accidents here. At this point, accidents pretty much only happen if he's not feeling well and even then, it's while asleep. However, he STILL talks about this incident (it's been nine months). So it was obviously quite traumatic for him.

After his mother's death, we went to see a grief counselor for several months. They worked through some things and, eventually, the counselor said that it was time for my son to be done with counseling.

Two years ago, we took my son for ASD screening (his mother had an older son whose adoptive family had him screened for autism when they took him in at age 3 -  I don't have great access to any medical information on him other than "He has autism") and, for many reasons, the screening wasn't completed, but came back with "multiple red flags" and we have been told that he very likely has Asperger's. (His father and I were looking for ways we could help him, not so concerned about a diagnosis. His mother didn't want any screening done at all nor did she want to allow him to go to any sort of PT/OT. We were told by her husband that if we forced a diagnosis or therapy that they would go to court to force our son into school.)

The reason I mention all of that is because I'm wondering if those things make it impossible to "fully" unschool? Or, maybe, what I'm really looking for is advice on coping and helping my son cope with "things" and "life".

For instance, I do not have a problem with a lot of television EXCEPT THAT I have been watching and noticing that my son is more cranky and meaner when done watching even the calmest television shows. Also, he has said, "I have to watch screens because it keeps me from having to think of sad things." The avoidance there has me concerned.

"Screens" is another issue. Somewhere along the way, the word "screens" came into use - a term his mother started using and was brought home to our house (we've ended up using it, too... something we're trying very hard to get away from.) So, now, my son will say things like, "I've only had one kind of screen today." This comes into play in a massive way when my husband is on-call (every few weeks) and can't allow my son to use his (my husband's) phone to play games. Extremely big fits have happened, sometimes where he rushes up to us in the middle of the fit and tries to shove his face against us.

Likewise, related to the ASD, he's very tied to routine and micromanaging as much as possible.

We even have, every week, Minecraft Monday and Game Night (boardgames) on Wednesdays. He looks forward to these but if we play boardgames or Minecraft on another night, then he expects it to happen on that night the next week as well.

The expectation of routine has gotten to the point where if we do anything two or three times, we are expected to do it again because "It has to happen. WE ALWAYS _____." And if we don't, massive fits. We don't like to say no to things we can only do once or twice (or even just "sometimes") but the fits and anger we get when can't or won't has started to make it very difficult to say "yes".

I'm trying not to have arbitrary limits and have tried slowly extended limits. Not saying, "You can watch as much TV as you like," but "Yes, you can watch another episode." But even after, say, a day of non-stop TV, if we say no - even for a legitimate reason - there's a fit. This seems to happen to an even bigger degree than if we just say no to begin with or "Just one episode."

We're trying to move to a place where we're completely non-punitive (right now, we occasionally use a "please sit on the couch for five minutes and calm down" or, for extremely bad days, an early bedtime because he's almost always exhausted at that point) and things like bedtime are more natural (decided by him). But I'm feeling like there's no way to do this and still have a manageable life based on our situation. I'm wondering if any other unschooling families have dealt with anything similar? Or, even if you haven't, do you have ideas on how to move to a calmer place?

Things aren't ALWAYS this bad - we have some good days, too - but it's getting really overwhelming and I wake up wary of what the day will bring. I want to make unschooling work for my family but, at this moment, I have some big concerns.

We'll be moving halfway across the country (US) in a few months (a family decision, not something we're springing on him) and I'd like to get things as calm as possible before we go. I want that anyway, but feel it's even more important with the upcoming move.

I want to help our home be more peaceful and happy. I know we can get there - we have some really good moments - but I feel like we're flailing and I could really use the voices of more experienced unschooling families. I've combed through the archives and have gotten lots of useful ideas, but haven't found anything quite like our situation.

Thank you,
Misa

Sandra Dodd

-=-My (step)son is six years old. Last summer, his mother passed away quite unexpectedly. -=-

I think if you can ignore all other factors than that, and give him time and space to recover, and to be older than six, it would be more helpful than anything else.  He will ALWAYS be a person whose mother died when he was young.  That part can't be taken away.

Find him something he can play on.  Alex Polikowsky knows a way to get games onto iPhones that aren't really set up as telephones.  

If he wants to watch TV shows, let him.  Escapism is a blessing, when there's really something to escape.  He needs time.

-=-The reason I mention all of that is because I'm wondering if those things make it impossible to "fully" unschool? -=-

It won't, but if you're trying to rush him to unschool quickly, THAT might make it impossible.

-=-Or, maybe, what I'm really looking for is advice on coping and helping my son cope with "things" and "life". 
-=-

There are therapists who understand unschooling listed and linked here:

-=- I have been watching and noticing that my son is more cranky and meaner when done watching even the calmest television shows. Also, he has said, "I have to watch screens because it keeps me from having to think of sad things." The avoidance there has me concerned.-=-

Is he cranky because the show ended?  I don't like for a show to end, if I'm enjoying it.
If he cranky because someone made him stop watching?  

-=-he has said, "I have to watch screens because it keeps me from having to think of sad things." -=-

It makes perfect sense to me.  I think he's onto something and you should find MORE things he might watch. Or if he likes the same movie over and over, let him watch it.

Misa Knight

> <<-=-My (step)son is six years old. Last summer, his mother passed away quite unexpectedly. -=-
>
>
> I think if you can ignore all other factors than that, and give him time and space to recover, and to be older than six, it would be more helpful than anything else. He will ALWAYS be a person whose mother died when he was young. That part can't be taken away. >>

Yes, I imagine this will always affect him somehow. I'm finding that
it does so in ways I'm not always expecting.

> <<Find him something he can play on. Alex Polikowsky knows a way to get games onto iPhones that aren't really set up as telephones.
>
>
> If he wants to watch TV shows, let him. Escapism is a blessing, when there's really something to escape. He needs time.>>

This makes sense. I think my major concern was that if he does that a
lot, he might not deal with the issue and it could be a bigger deal
later on. I know a lot of people who didn't deal with things from
their childhood and they came up later, but worse. Admittedly, I don't
know many people who were unschoolers who had that happen. So maybe it
will just come up when he's ready for it and we can be there for him
when it does? I admit that one of my own personal is having a hard
time enjoying something that's "just for fun" or "to zone out" but
that's something I'm trying very hard not to pass them onto him.

We'd love to get him a tablet or something but, right now, that's not
a possibility due to finances. We do, however, have a 3DS that he
plays Animal Crossing and Pokemon on, he plays on our phones some,
when they're available, and some on the computer/Xbox 360/PS3.

> <<-=- I have been watching and noticing that my son is more cranky and meaner when done watching even the calmest television shows. Also, he has said, "I have to watch screens because it keeps me from having to think of sad things." The avoidance there has me concerned.-=-
>
> Is he cranky because the show ended? I don't like for a show to end, if I'm enjoying it.
> If he cranky because someone made him stop watching? >>

He doesn't handle transitioning from one activity to another unless
he's decided to do it himself. So, in some ways, to both of those
questions, the answer is yes. I understand not wanting to, but the
reaction seems a bit extreme.

> <<-=-he has said, "I have to watch screens because it keeps me from having to think of sad things." -=-
>
> It makes perfect sense to me. I think he's onto something and you should find MORE things he might watch. Or if he likes the same movie over and over, let him watch it. >>

I'm willing to try that. Right now, he's been doing a lot of Netflix,
often running through several (or all) seasons of a show. And he does
seem HAPPY when he's doing it. He's often hesitant to watch something
I suggest though he
sometimes will.

At this point, thinking it through, I think a lot of the problems come
when he doesn't have exact control over things. And that kind of makes
sense, I suppose. He's had several years where some pretty big things
happened that he had no control over so maybe the answer is to let him
have as much control over things as possible until he doesn't feel
like he has to keep such a tight grip over everything anymore?

- Misa

Joyce Fetteroll

On Apr 13, 2014, at 2:14 PM, Misa Knight <love2boardgame@...> wrote:

> We'll be moving halfway across the country (US) in a few months
> (a family decision, not something we're springing on him) and I'd
> like to get things as calm as possible before we go.

If he had a broken leg, would you be looking for ways for it to heal faster to make his move easier?

You can't get him to grieve faster. You can make a nest for him to recover in that's as nurturing as you can. Be understanding rather than trying to fix him.

> I do not have a problem with a lot of television EXCEPT THAT I have
> been watching and noticing that my son is more cranky and meaner
> when done watching even the calmest television shows. Also, he has
> said, "I have to watch screens because it keeps me from having to
> think of sad things." The avoidance there has me concerned.

He's exploring ways to cope. It's soothing. But he's trying to cope with something BIG so TV isn't likely to be the lasting fix he wishes it were.

Give him hugs. Snuggle with him. Nurture him. Do things he finds soothing. Have you tried massage? Did the counselor have ideas? Have you looked for other nurturing ideas?

You're essentially trying to find a way for the "broken leg" to go away so he can be happy and less stressful for you to deal with. But he'll be healed when he's healed.

> This comes into play in a massive way when my husband is on-call
> (every few weeks) and can't allow my son to use his (my husband's)
> phone to play games.

Again seeking what's soothing.

> The expectation of routine has gotten to the point where if we do anything
> two or three times, we are expected to do it again because "It has to happen.
> WE ALWAYS _____."

There's stability in predictability. I think the more you can help him with days that are predictable while he's recovering, the less stress you'll be adding.

I think the more relaxed and nurturing you can be, the easier he'll go through the grieving. Don't try to fix his distress. But do create an environment that doesn't get stressed by his distress.

A big hug and an "I'm sorry this happened to you," will work a whole lot better than being distressed by his distress.

Joyce

BRIAN POLIKOWSKY


 
Find him something he can play on.  Alex Polikowsky knows a way to get games onto iPhones that aren't really set up as telephones.  
--=-=-=-=-

What I did is use Iphones as Ipods because I was able to buy them for less than a dollar ( available upgrades for my account)

But can you guys buy him a tablet? they are available for very little today ! Some even for less than $100!

Or if you want Apple you can find Iphones or Ipods used in older generations for even $50! ( if Iphone you will need an old sim ( unused, old or used but not current) card to make it work sometimes)

Oh and playing games does not prevent the phone from ringing so you can play all weekend and the phone will still ring when someone calls.

 My sister just gave her kids a cheap tablet each for around $100 and she said that the peace in her house is amazing! He boys are so much happier! They can do so much and there are no fights! Worth every penny she said! She said she should have done it earlier!

When I am feeling blue I also like to escape. Some people read, other drink or go for a run.
I usually read but lately I have been watching a lot of series on Netflix. IT is my escape. There is nothing wrong with it.

I remember going to the movies when something really big made me emotionally hurt. Those 2 hours inside  the theater I was in peace and not in pain.

Make your step son's life sweet. Ask why are you still using time outs ( even if you are dressing them up as nicer).
What issues are you having with him? Maybe we can give you ideas.


 Alex Polikowsky


Miles Tress

Griefwork is intense for small children.  They tend to grieve in small bits of time, interspersed by days, weeks or even months, before they move on to process more grief.  This helps them not to be overwhelmed by the grief process.

My mother died when I was very small.  I didn't process her death until I was in my early 40's.  I believe it had a lot to do with the fact that my dad and other family members and, I think, society in general didn't provide the atmosphere that would encourage grieving.  My siblings and I were expected to suck it up and move on with our lives.

Misa, if you are open to providing that space for your stepson to grieve when and how he is ready, taking as long as it takes, then his experience with grief will have the opportunity to be very different from mine.
Tress


On Sun, Apr 13, 2014 at 5:10 PM, Misa Knight <love2boardgame@...> wrote:
 

> <<-=-My (step)son is six years old. Last summer, his mother passed away quite unexpectedly. -=-
>
>
> I think if you can ignore all other factors than that, and give him time and space to recover, and to be older than six, it would be more helpful than anything else. He will ALWAYS be a person whose mother died when he was young. That part can't be taken away. >>

Yes, I imagine this will always affect him somehow. I'm finding that
it does so in ways I'm not always expecting.


> <<Find him something he can play on. Alex Polikowsky knows a way to get games onto iPhones that aren't really set up as telephones.
>
>
> If he wants to watch TV shows, let him. Escapism is a blessing, when there's really something to escape. He needs time.>>

This makes sense. I think my major concern was that if he does that a
lot, he might not deal with the issue and it could be a bigger deal
later on. I know a lot of people who didn't deal with things from
their childhood and they came up later, but worse. Admittedly, I don't
know many people who were unschoolers who had that happen. So maybe it
will just come up when he's ready for it and we can be there for him
when it does? I admit that one of my own personal is having a hard
time enjoying something that's "just for fun" or "to zone out" but
that's something I'm trying very hard not to pass them onto him.

We'd love to get him a tablet or something but, right now, that's not
a possibility due to finances. We do, however, have a 3DS that he
plays Animal Crossing and Pokemon on, he plays on our phones some,
when they're available, and some on the computer/Xbox 360/PS3.


> <<-=- I have been watching and noticing that my son is more cranky and meaner when done watching even the calmest television shows. Also, he has said, "I have to watch screens because it keeps me from having to think of sad things." The avoidance there has me concerned.-=-
>
> Is he cranky because the show ended? I don't like for a show to end, if I'm enjoying it.
> If he cranky because someone made him stop watching? >>

He doesn't handle transitioning from one activity to another unless
he's decided to do it himself. So, in some ways, to both of those
questions, the answer is yes. I understand not wanting to, but the
reaction seems a bit extreme.


> <<-=-he has said, "I have to watch screens because it keeps me from having to think of sad things." -=-
>
> It makes perfect sense to me. I think he's onto something and you should find MORE things he might watch. Or if he likes the same movie over and over, let him watch it. >>

I'm willing to try that. Right now, he's been doing a lot of Netflix,
often running through several (or all) seasons of a show. And he does
seem HAPPY when he's doing it. He's often hesitant to watch something
I suggest though he
sometimes will.

At this point, thinking it through, I think a lot of the problems come
when he doesn't have exact control over things. And that kind of makes
sense, I suppose. He's had several years where some pretty big things
happened that he had no control over so maybe the answer is to let him
have as much control over things as possible until he doesn't feel
like he has to keep such a tight grip over everything anymore?

- Misa


Megan Valnes

My sister died when my nieces were 7 years old and 6 months old, respectively. The 7 year old threw up every day for one year. She was never really allowed to grieve and quickly thrown into a life that was not healthy for her or her development.  She is now 26 years old and her mother being dead is still a huge part of her identity.  She is also a mess--emotionally, physically, the whole shebang.  My grandmother doted and cared for her very sweetly, however, her father and stepmother were harsh and unkind and made her feel guilty and wrong for missing a mother that wasn't particularly good at mothering.

I'm not suggesting you and your husband are harsh or unkind.  I'm only suggesting that you follow the other advice posted and be extra kind.  This kid just lost his mom.  That's pretty big regardless of age, but especially when you're six and feelings are confusing and overwhelming anyway.  The loss of my sister made my niece physically ill; cranky and mean seem par for the course.  I think acknowledgment and kindness are key for recover.  The death of his mother may not be something that he is ever "over", but he can learn to deal with the pain of it.  Time.  Time and patience are great cures for pain.

I think that Joyce's suggestions of hugging him and saying "I'm so sorry this happened to you" is wonderful.   So often we want (and try) to gloss over pain and loss with our rational brains.  Sometimes we just have to feel it. And if our little ones are feeling it we can hold them and comfort them. Maybe even cry with them.  He probably misses his mommy.  He probably always will.  You have the opportunity to be of tremendous comfort and love for him. 

Warmly,
Megan

On Apr 13, 2014 6:29 PM, "Misa Knight" <love2boardgame@...> wrote:
 

> <<-=-My (step)son is six years old. Last summer, his mother passed away quite unexpectedly. -=-
>
>
> I think if you can ignore all other factors than that, and give him time and space to recover, and to be older than six, it would be more helpful than anything else. He will ALWAYS be a person whose mother died when he was young. That part can't be taken away. >>

Yes, I imagine this will always affect him somehow. I'm finding that
it does so in ways I'm not always expecting.

> <<Find him something he can play on. Alex Polikowsky knows a way to get games onto iPhones that aren't really set up as telephones.
>
>
> If he wants to watch TV shows, let him. Escapism is a blessing, when there's really something to escape. He needs time.>>

This makes sense. I think my major concern was that if he does that a
lot, he might not deal with the issue and it could be a bigger deal
later on. I know a lot of people who didn't deal with things from
their childhood and they came up later, but worse. Admittedly, I don't
know many people who were unschoolers who had that happen. So maybe it
will just come up when he's ready for it and we can be there for him
when it does? I admit that one of my own personal is having a hard
time enjoying something that's "just for fun" or "to zone out" but
that's something I'm trying very hard not to pass them onto him.

We'd love to get him a tablet or something but, right now, that's not
a possibility due to finances. We do, however, have a 3DS that he
plays Animal Crossing and Pokemon on, he plays on our phones some,
when they're available, and some on the computer/Xbox 360/PS3.

> <<-=- I have been watching and noticing that my son is more cranky and meaner when done watching even the calmest television shows. Also, he has said, "I have to watch screens because it keeps me from having to think of sad things." The avoidance there has me concerned.-=-
>
> Is he cranky because the show ended? I don't like for a show to end, if I'm enjoying it.
> If he cranky because someone made him stop watching? >>

He doesn't handle transitioning from one activity to another unless
he's decided to do it himself. So, in some ways, to both of those
questions, the answer is yes. I understand not wanting to, but the
reaction seems a bit extreme.

> <<-=-he has said, "I have to watch screens because it keeps me from having to think of sad things." -=-
>
> It makes perfect sense to me. I think he's onto something and you should find MORE things he might watch. Or if he likes the same movie over and over, let him watch it. >>

I'm willing to try that. Right now, he's been doing a lot of Netflix,
often running through several (or all) seasons of a show. And he does
seem HAPPY when he's doing it. He's often hesitant to watch something
I suggest though he
sometimes will.

At this point, thinking it through, I think a lot of the problems come
when he doesn't have exact control over things. And that kind of makes
sense, I suppose. He's had several years where some pretty big things
happened that he had no control over so maybe the answer is to let him
have as much control over things as possible until he doesn't feel
like he has to keep such a tight grip over everything anymore?

- Misa

Sandra Dodd

-=-We'd love to get him a tablet or something but, right now, that's not
a possibility due to finances. -=-

Please read what Alex wrote about prices, but also consider this an emergency expense even if you can't find the kinds of deals Alex is talking about.  Don't put off something that's hugely comforting (and peacemaking) by looking at finances instead of the depth of his fears and sorrows.

BRIAN POLIKOWSKY



<<<This makes sense. I think my major concern was that if he does that a
lot, he might not deal with the issue and it could be a bigger deal
later on>>>>>>>

If he is happy watching and he has a loving supportive home and it keeps him from being sad why would it be negative?
He has gone to a professional and it seems this counselor thinks he is doing well.
Would you be as worried if he was reading non stop?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

<<<<<<He doesn't handle transitioning from one activity to another unless
he's decided to do it himself. So, in some ways, to both of those
questions, the answer is yes. I understand not wanting to, but the
reaction seems a bit extreme.>>>>>

Can you give an example?
Maybe we can give you ideas that will help with transition. 
Is that happening a lot ? what are his choices?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

<<<<<<<<<<I'm willing to try that. Right now, he's been doing a lot of Netflix,
often running through several (or all) seasons of a show. And he does
seem HAPPY when he's doing it.>>>>>>

I have been doing a lot of Netflix lately!! Running throught several or all seasons of a show! It is also making me happy!
Be happy for him! Watch some with him!!
I usually do with my kids!
They got me into a lot of Anime shows!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

<<<<At this point, thinking it through, I think a lot of the problems come
when he doesn't have exact control over things.>>>>

No one has complete or exact control over everything in life or around! The more choices you can give him, the more ways you can help find the yes or a way to do what he wants the more he will be willing to do something when you ask and he has no choice or the choices are not  as appealing to him.

Alex Polikowsky

Misa Knight

> Find him something he can play on. Alex Polikowsky knows a way to get games
> onto iPhones that aren't really set up as telephones.
> --=-=-=-=-
>
> What I did is use Iphones as Ipods because I was able to buy them for less
> than a dollar ( available upgrades for my account)
>
> But can you guys buy him a tablet? they are available for very little today
> ! Some even for less than $100!
>
> Or if you want Apple you can find Iphones or Ipods used in older generations
> for even $50! ( if Iphone you will need an old sim ( unused, old or used but
> not current) card to make it work sometimes)
>
> Oh and playing games does not prevent the phone from ringing so you can play
> all weekend and the phone will still ring when someone calls.

Thank you for the wonderful ideas. I just realized we may have an
upgrade coming soon. I'll have to look into it.

Most of the on-call alerts that come through on my husband's phone
don't originally arrive via phone calls and Kai misses the sound. I
don't think it's that he's trying to ignore it, but that he filters it
out.

> Make your step son's life sweet. Ask why are you still using time outs (
> even if you are dressing them up as nicer).
> What issues are you having with him? Maybe we can give you ideas.

We're still using time outs on a limited basis because he gets so
worked up that he loses track of where his body is in space and
accidentally hurts himself (bumps into things, runs into things, etc)
so it calms him down with no bodily harm. Also, when he pushes his
face against one of us, he's very rough and that's not okay. But that
doesn't actually happen very often, maybe a handful of times in the
last year. I also worry about the neighbors - not so much "What must
they think of us?" but "I hope they don't call 911," because he'll
shriek for very long periods of time and our apartment buildings are
not very child-friendly. We live in a small apartment with very thin
walls in the middle of the city (we're moving this summer, in part, to
get more space/better living arrangements). At that point, he isn't
listening, thinking... it's just an outpour of raw emotion.

- Misa

Misa Knight

> <<<This makes sense. I think my major concern was that if he does that a
> lot, he might not deal with the issue and it could be a bigger deal
> later on>>>>>>>
>
> If he is happy watching and he has a loving supportive home and it keeps him from being sad why would it be negative?
> He has gone to a professional and it seems this counselor thinks he is doing well.
> Would you be as worried if he was reading non stop?

You have a good point there. I was concerned when he was reading
pretty much all the time, but not nearly as much as when watching TV
constantly. I didn't think about that until you asked.

> <<<<<<He doesn't handle transitioning from one activity to another unless
> he's decided to do it himself. So, in some ways, to both of those
> questions, the answer is yes. I understand not wanting to, but the
> reaction seems a bit extreme.>>>>>
>
> Can you give an example?
> Maybe we can give you ideas that will help with transition.
> Is that happening a lot ? what are his choices?

It happens a few times a week, often when he has to get dressed (even
if it's someplace he wants to go and is in just a shirt and underwear
so just going as he is isn't an option) or if we have something we
have to do and he'd rather watch more television. Less so if he's
warned ahead of time, but even then, sometimes he still gets very
agitated.

Or if he expects something to happen because it did once or twice
before and it doesn't. As an example, we went to Costco and I bought
us frozen yogurt afterwards. When I didn't do it the next time,
because we'd just eaten, I didn't have cash, and there was something
else we needed to do, there was a big fit.

Or even just, "I want to watch Daddy play a video game," but his dad
is doing something else.

I think it's happening a lot... a few times a week, probably. They
vary in intensity. Sometimes, it's over in a minute or two, sometimes
he's still screaming an hour later.

Kate Rehkopf

<<<This makes sense. I think my major concern was that if he does that alot, he might not deal with the issue and it could be a bigger deal
later on>>>>>>>

It's likely going to be a big issue for his entire life.  You can't change the fact that he's suffered this loss.  Children re-process intense grief over and over as they develop greater emotional and developmental capabilities.  Right now, he's processing his loss in the best way he can as a 6 year old, but he will still feel the loss at 8 and 10 and 12 and on into adulthood, and he'll feel the loss differently, sometimes maybe even more deeply, over the years. You'll see him re-process the grief as he matures.  He'll continue to experience the loss with his new understanding of the world and it will never be something he has gotten over, but he can incorporate it into who he is and learn how to ride out the low times by finding things that make him feel less sad.  It sounds like he's working on that part already. 


<<<<He's had several years where some pretty big things happened that he had no control over so maybe the answer is to let him have as much control over things as possible until he doesn't feel like he has to keep such a tight grip over everything anymore?>>>>

I'd be careful about putting too much expectation into the day when he won't need so much control.  That day might never come.  He may spend his entire life feeling like he needs to control his environment as much as possible.  I'm not saying that to worry you but to point out that you may want to focus more on who he is and what he needs right now, rather than create a future vision of a future child who may never exist.  How will you support him today?   Find ways to support what he needs right now with what he's feeling right now and you can worry about the future him in the future. 

Kate Rehkopf



Joyce Fetteroll

What about creating a shrine to her with him. Like an ofrenda made for Day of the Dead except one he can keep around.

I don't think this society has a very healthy relationship with death. It's like we're supposed to let the dead person fade away because holding on is too painful. :-/ The Mexicans are good at celebrating a person's life. You can create a space where he can connect with her and with his memory of her.

Don't worry about the details of an ofrenda. You need a space on a table in a corner of the house somewhere, on his dresser. An "altar" cloth. Then a framed picture or pictures of her. On the cloth he can set things that remind him of her. Things of hers. Things that link him to her. Pretty stones, shells. A vase with a real or fabric flower. A toy car. There isn't a right way. It's whatever *he* finds meaningful to remember and to share.

Encourage him to bring something special back from a trip, a stone, a pine cone, something found or bought, as a gift to her.

A string of Christmas lights. Usually there's a candle. Maybe one in a glass jar. Or an electric candle.

Sometimes people light the candle when they want to share something of their day. Instead of a real or electric candle, a pretty bowl with water that he can drop a stone into might feel like a connecting ritual. You could drop a stone in and share something about her son, something he did, something that's special about him to you.

You can also have him write a message to her and release it with a balloon.

You could create a book of memories with him, with photos, drawings, cards and anything he wants to put in there.

Have you taken flowers to her grave?

Can he remember a special place they went together? You could take him there and let him tell you about the fun things they did there together.

If you have a yard at your new place, you could plant a bush or tree in her memory, then create a little sacred place around it to set it off special.

Bake her favorite foods, special cookies on her birthday.

Joyce

K Pennell

I remember in your original post, you also mentioned concerns about ASD. You don't need a diagnosis to know he likes routine. He  likes warnings for any changes, and they are still hard. So go ahead and do those things as best you can. Maybe if you stop for a special treat, you can point out "we are doing this today but we won't do it next time. It's a special treat". You were concerned before his Mother's death about this. So do what you can to give him routine, to give him some control where you can. Let him know about changes to the routine, just because you would be trying to do that regardless of the tragedy he's been through.

But really, I think he's dealing with a lot. Some times, he may melt down anyway, because you aren't doing what he wants and his mother is gone and he misses her. One feeling leads to another, maybe.  My Mom died 6 and a half years ago. I was in my late thirties, not young, and it wasn't totally unexpected. Years later, I still cry once in a while, thinking "I wish I could talk to my Mom". Sometimes I wear a special necklace of hers when I'm feeling this way. Do you have any of her clothes, could you turn them into a quilt for him? When he's really sad, he could snuggle under it. And it would remind him of her, but maybe also reassure him that it's ok to still miss her and that you understand. Love Joyce's idea of the memorial too, I especially love the planting a memorial tree idea.


From: Misa Knight <love2boardgame@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Monday, April 14, 2014 2:16 AM
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Unschooling after death/trauma

> <<<This makes sense. I think my major concern was that if he does that a
> lot, he might not deal with the issue and it could be a bigger deal
> later on>>>>>>>
>
> If he is happy watching and he has a loving supportive home and it keeps him from being sad why would it be negative?
> He has gone to a professional and it seems this counselor thinks he is doing well.
clear="none">> Would you be as worried if he was reading non stop?

You have a good point there. I was concerned when he was reading
pretty much all the time, but not nearly as much as when watching TV
constantly. I didn't think about that until you asked.


> <<<<<<He doesn't handle transitioning from one activity to another unless
> he's decided to do it himself. So, in some ways, to both of those
> questions, the answer is yes. I understand not wanting to, but the
> reaction seems a bit extreme.>>>>>
>
> Can you give an example?
> Maybe we can give you ideas that will help with transition.
> Is that happening a lot ? what are his choices?


It happens a few times a week, often when he has to get dressed (even
if it's someplace he wants to go and is in just a shirt and underwear
so just going as he is isn't an option) or if we have something we
have to do and he'd rather watch more television. Less so if he's
warned ahead of time, but even then, sometimes he still gets very
agitated.

Or if he expects something to happen because it did once or twice
before and it doesn't. As an example, we went to Costco and I bought
us frozen yogurt afterwards. When I didn't do it the next time,
because we'd just eaten, I didn't have cash, and there was something
else we needed to do, there was a big fit.

Or even just, "I want to watch Daddy play a video game," but his dad
is doing something else.

I think it's happening a lot... a few times a week, probably. They
vary in intensity. Sometimes, it's over in a minute or two, sometimes
he's still screaming an hour later.


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Dola Dasgupta

What I felt when I read the mail:

1. He is clearly grieving. He is six. He is too young to understand that he is grieving. He is trying to make sense of his loss in his own ways. If that looks like 'avoidance', it is a perception that you have as an adult. To an adult one could say perhaps. "don't avoid your grief or sadness, face it, stay with it.' I wonder if one could and should do that with children as young six.

2. My son watched TV, You Tube stuff he liked, for hours and days at end when their father and I separated. He was just five. He is eight now.

3. My daughter is 12 now, but when their dad got remarried, she was 10. She watched for hours and days comedy serials that she enjoyed.

4. I used my writing on my blogs to express my grief and loss. I even used Facebook a lot to find solace. I joined several creative groups to ease my pain and loss. 

5. According to me grieving is a process that takes its own time. In my experience and my children's experience with grieving, I see there are different ways we have coped with it, and different time frames we took to go through it.

6. There were days when my son, my daughter and I have all taken turns to be 'cranky' and 'difficult' as one would say. Fortunately, I had unschooling mums, blogs, Facebook, lovely books, friends, unconventional and unschooling friendly therapists, who told me to not judge myself or my children for wanting to 'escape' something that was not only extremely painful for all of us, but also hard to recover from.

7. Any healing process cannot be rushed before it happens naturally, is what I have seen with myself, my kids and many of my intimate friends. Each of us I feel have our own internal processes to heal.

I would request you to  please give your son time and space to do all that he is doing without making it irregular or unpredictable as his mother's death has already in some deeper way shaken his belief and trust in the predictability, and he is too young to articulate or make sense of right now. He needs anchors right now that are predictable so that he can deal with the loss of his mother.



Dola




Roya Dedeaux

Some things you cannot deal with when you are six. Some of those things are because you don't have the ability as a six year old.  Some of those things are because they will come from growing up and encountering new and adult situations. 

Something really helpful to learn about grief is how to put off thinking and dealing with it all the time, and when to do it when it feels safe and you are ready.

Television shows are a blessing when going through grief, and it can be terrible and jarring when a show is over and you suddenly remember where you are and what has happened again. That can easily translate to crankiness.

On Apr 13, 2014 6:29 PM, "Misa Knight" <love2boardgame@...> wrote:
 

> <<-=-My (step)son is six years old. Last summer, his mother passed away quite unexpectedly. -=-
>
>
> I think if you can ignore all other factors than that, and give him time and space to recover, and to be older than six, it would be more helpful than anything else. He will ALWAYS be a person whose mother died when he was young. That part can't be taken away. >>

Yes, I imagine this will always affect him somehow. I'm finding that
it does so in ways I'm not always expecting.

> < >
>
> If he wants to watch TV shows, let him. Escapism is a blessing, when there's really something to escape. He needs time.>>

This makes sense. I think my major concern was that if he does that a
lot, he might not deal with the issue and it could be a bigger deal
later on. I know a lot of people who didn't deal with things from
their childhood and they came up later, but worse. Admittedly, I don't
know many people who were unschoolers who had that happen. So maybe it
will just come up when he's ready for it and we can be there for him
when it does? I admit that one of my own personal is having a hard
time enjoying something that's "just for fun" or "to zone out" but
that's something I'm trying very hard not to pass them onto him.

We'd love to get him a tablet or something but, right now, that's not
a possibility due to finances. We do, however, have a 3DS that he
plays Animal Crossing and Pokemon on, he plays on our phones some,
when they're available, and some on the computer/Xbox 360/PS3.

> <<-=- I have been watching and noticing that my son is more cranky and meaner when done watching even the calmest television shows. Also, he has said, "I have to watch screens because it keeps me from having to think of sad things." The avoidance there has me concerned.-=-
>
> Is he cranky because the show ended? I don't like for a show to end, if I'm enjoying it.
> If he cranky because someone made him stop watching? >>

He doesn't handle transitioning from one activity to another unless
he's decided to do it himself. So, in some ways, to both of those
questions, the answer is yes. I understand not wanting to, but the
reaction seems a bit extreme.

> <<-=-he has said, "I have to watch screens because it keeps me from having to think of sad things." -=-
>
> It makes perfect sense to me. I think he's onto something and you should find MORE things he might watch. Or if he likes the same movie over and over, let him watch it. >>

I'm willing to try that. Right now, he's been doing a lot of Netflix,
often running through several (or all) seasons of a show. And he does
seem HAPPY when he's doing it. He's often hesitant to watch something
I suggest though he
sometimes will.

At this point, thinking it through, I think a lot of the problems come
when he doesn't have exact control over things. And that kind of makes
sense, I suppose. He's had several years where some pretty big things
happened that he had no control over so maybe the answer is to let him
have as much control over things as possible until he doesn't feel
like he has to keep such a tight grip over everything anymore?

- Misa

Misa Knight

There have been a lot of emails about this and I'm so grateful for
everyone's thoughts, advice, opinions, etc.

Because it came up a few times: His mother was cremated. He spent days
where, over and over, he was "building a coffin for Mama so she
doesn't have to be burned up" (with his play tools). It took months to
get any of his things from her place (as well as some of her ashes).
He was given nothing that was hers. However, in grief therapy, he made
a "mama candle" that he keeps by his bed. It's a glass tea candle
holder and they modgepodged words and tissue paper onto it. His
counselor gave him both an electric candle and a real tea candle
(which we lit on her birthday and kept going for most of the day).

I've taken in what you all of have said and I know I'll need to think
things through, try things out, etc.

With that said, I did start the day with a very different mindset.
When Kai got up, I offered to watch Minecraft videos with him (this is
one of the few times he's cuddly) and brought him warm chocolate, took
care of his dishes throughout the morning, etc. We watched Minecraft
videos all morning until his dad came home from lunch. He laughed
quite a lot and said he loved doing it. "We should do this more
often."

I know it's just one morning. But it's the first morning without any
grumpiness at all in a long time. And it gives me hope. I think I need
to learn to just be okay with where we are, rather than where I want
us to be or where I hope he can end up. Part of this, I think, will
involve me being more understanding of how long grieving can take and
not trying to make him "do it". Basically, I need to get out of the
way, stop being anxious about it, and support what he's doing rather
than try to push him along the path, something I didn't realize I was
really doing until discussing things here and with my husband over the
past few days. (The email I wrote was mostly written early last week,
then re-edited before sending after talking with my husband and taking
in what he said.)

Thanks again for all of the responses. I've got a lot to think about.
Misa

Sandra Dodd

-=-I especially love the planting a memorial tree idea. -=-

They live in an apartment.  I live in a desert.  There are reasons to avoid memorial trees.  They don't always live; you might not be able to stay where the tree is, and moving away would be another loss.

Sandra Dodd

-=- To an adult one could say perhaps. "don't avoid your grief or sadness, face it, stay with it.' I wonder if one could and should do that with children as young six.-=-

I don't think people should say that to any other person.  Let them grieve as they need to without directions or "stay with it."   

<plaidpanties666@...>

>>>You don't need a diagnosis to know he likes routine. He  likes warnings for any changes, and they are still hard. So go ahead and do those things as best you can. Maybe if you stop for a special treat, you can point out "we are doing this today but we won't do it next time. It's a special treat".<<<<

Yes! My stepson was intense and explosive for awhile - high pitched screaming, breaking things, attacking people... it was rough. People were afraid of him. Routine helped. A lot. For a time he was living three days a week with his bio mom, and she was kinda-sorta homeless (couchsurfing and squatting in a condemned building) so days with her were a bit unpredictable, but even having four days a week of a really solid routine helped a Lot. It did help to be really clear when something wasn't probably Not going to be a regular thing. It also helped to be very, very thoughtful about Not setting Ray up to think something might be a new routine so he didn't get his expectations up only to be dashed. 

Some of that had to do with the fact that he was in a dysfunctional relationship with his mom - because she wasn't all that mentally stable, he was regularly experiencing cycles of "boom and bust" - she'd "get better" and he'd start to hope and expect that, and then she'd crash again and he'd be disappointed all over again. It wasn't until he was... 12 or 13 that he really learned not to get his hopes up where his mom was concerned - and until then we did as much buffering as we could.  

Both my kids had a lot of trouble with transitions when they were young. Ray, it helped to give him lots of warning, soften things as much as possible. In fact, on days when he was coming or going from mom's house, it helped to treat the whole day as a kind of transition, and just be really low key and gentle with him.

 My daughter went through different phases of how transitions worked best for her - for awhile she wanted almost no notice, just a vague understanding that sometime we'd be doing something else until "okay, it's time!" At another stage, particularly with leaving the house, she liked having a checklist to keep track of all the things that needed to happen before it was time to leave - and she wanted to know Everything. Going pee, finding my keys, feeding the cat, filling a water bottle, getting snacks ready... all of it. If I realized I needed to do something that wasn't on the list, I needed to add it to the list so she could check it off ;)  It took twice as long to get out the door because of that, but it did make things more peaceful. Between both my kids, I learned to expect "getting out of the house" to be something that didn't - couldn't - happen quickly. Even in her "let's go" phase, Mo had not the least patience for any delay, so all the details needed to be taken care of first. 

What also helped with both kids during tough transition times was to look for ways to reduce transitions to an absolute minimum. With Mo, that sometimes meant - sometimes still means - that if we're out running errands it's best to do them in order of importance so I can ditch some if necessary. To many stops can mean she'll "lock up" and not be able to function (happily, this only means carrying her to the car - with Ray, it would have meant an explosion).

>>if it's someplace he wants to go and is in just a shirt and underwear
so just going as he is isn't an option<<

Have you tried keeping clothes in the car? I used to keep a full set of clothes for Mo in the car so I could say "lets go" and away we'd go - and she'd dress while in her carseat, usually right before getting out at the store or park or wherever. At other times, and with Ray, it was easier to get him ready to go a good long time before - even the night before. And depending on where we were going, sometimes clothes (or lack thereof) didn't matter.

>> if we have something we
have to do and he'd rather watch more television. Less so if he's
warned ahead of time<<

Can you record it? That can help a lot. Sometimes kids can feel like they're at the mercy of programming, so looking for ways to help them feel in control can be a big help - record it, find out when the same episode will be on again (sometimes they repeat several times in a day or week), find it on youtube or elsewhere on the internet. 

It helped Mo to do something other than watch tv if we were planning on going out later - even something like watch a video since then she'd know we had it. And if it was a dvd, we could bring it along and she could watch it on the portable dvd player (now we'd use the laptop, but this was the dark ages, "videos" were still vhs tapes). But just as importantly, it was really valuable for me and my partner to learn good tv etiquette: don't interrupt! Ask questions and make announcements during natural pauses. Don't try to leave before the end of program. If it's a movie, decide In Advance if you're going to wait until the end of the movie, or bring it along, or whatever. Don't set anyone up to have to walk away in the middle of something. 

It also helps to be sensitive to other basic stressors - is he hungry? tired? antsy? anxious? frustrated? needs attention? Those are the sorts of things that make any negative reaction worse. 

>>I think it's happening a lot... a few times a week, probably.<<

With an intense kid, a few times a week isn't so bad. It can Feel like a lot, but both my kids went through several-meltdowns-a-day phases, which makes a few a week seem really manageable ;) 

Ray's 20 now, by the way - and a charming, reasonable well adjusted young man. Mo's 12 and really pretty mellow these days. 

---Meredith

Sarah Stone-Francisco

"for extremely bad days . . . do you have ideas on how to move to a calmer place?"

Something I've read here many times that recently helped me was to shift from thinking of bad days to bad moments. And then: what can I do to make the next moment better?

love, sarah

Sandra Dodd

Sarah wrote:  -=-Something I've read here many times that recently helped me was to shift from thinking of bad days to bad moments. And then: what can I do to make the next moment better?=

Here's a link to go with that.

Lisa Celedon

<<To an adult one could say perhaps. "don't avoid your grief or sadness, face
it, stay with it.' I wonder if one could and should do that with children
as young six.>>

Even telling an adult that won't ensure that they do it. Even an adult telling themselves that won't ensure that it will happen.

For me, at 32, grieving comes in small doses. Then I spend time doing things that make me happy and distract me from my sad feelings. You can't force yourself or anyone else to feel more than you or they are ready to feel and cope with.

And better to have some (or lots of) happiness than to spend a huge chunk of time lost only on sadness and anger- especially for a growing brain, and those caring for children.

Lisa C



Sent from my iPhone

D. Regan



Likewise, related to the ASD, he's very tied to routine and micromanaging as much as possible.

It will help a lot if you see his behaviour and preferences as being about him now, rather than as the result of a disorder.   It's disconnecting to ascribe it to a disorder; almost like there's an entity in the family called ASD which causes problems needing to be dealt with.  
Interact with him directly, thinking about how you can best support him given what's going on for him at the time, without any thought about "the ASD".   "The ASD" is a label for certain tendencies some people have.  It is not a thing itself.  Help your boy who often likes routine, find ways to be happier.

We even have, every week, Minecraft Monday and Game Night (boardgames) on Wednesdays. He looks forward to these but if we play boardgames or Minecraft on another night, then he expects it to happen on that night the next week as well.

The expectation of routine has gotten to the point where if we do anything two or three times, we are expected to do it again because "It has to happen. WE ALWAYS _____." And if we don't, massive fits. We don't like to say no to things we can only do once or twice (or even just "sometimes") but the fits and anger we get when can't or won't has started to make it very difficult to say "yes". 

It sounds like he may be feeling a lot of lack.  Help him move towards feelings of abundance.  Make what he loves, abundantly available to him, so that the stress around the potential lack of those things can begin to dissipate. 

And help him to feel an abundance of care and support around him.  His upsets are about his feelings and capacity to cope with his situation; not so much "the fits and anger [you] get when..." the answer is no.   Bring more compassion, see him with wonder.  
More kindness will help him be happier.

I'm trying not to have arbitrary limits and have tried slowly extended limits. Not saying, "You can watch as much TV as you like," but "Yes, you can watch another episode." But even after, say, a day of non-stop TV, if we say no - even for a legitimate reason - there's a fit. This seems to happen to an even bigger degree than if we just say no to begin with or "Just one episode."

The doling out of what he enjoys will continue to cause him stress.  No matter how generous you feel you are being, if you are the one making the decisions as to what he may do, he will likely feel frustrated.    You are the one who can help his needs be met, or prevent them from being met.  It's not easy for him to be so powerless in so many things.  

Be his partner.  Appreciate what brings him joy.  Move from "Yes, you can watch another episode", to more like: "Let's watch another one!  Do you reckon we could make one of those?  How cool was that when..., Did you see how fast..., I'll bring the food over here so we can keep watching..." etc.  
If you are his ally, he can relax more - you are looking out for him, helping his needs be met.  He doesn't need to struggle and fight so much.

We're trying to move to a place where we're completely non-punitive (right now, we occasionally use a "please sit on the couch for five minutes and calm down"

If I was floundering, it would not help me for my husband to ask me to "sit on the couch for five minutes and calm down".  Is there something else you can do which might help your son more?  Reach out to him with understanding? breathe deeply with him? do something physical together? make a joke? get him a pillow to pummel? run a bath? go out somewhere? bring a beloved toy? hug him?...
:)
Debbie.

<alohabun@...>

"If I was floundering, it would not help me for my husband to ask me to "sit on the couch for five minutes and calm down".  Is there something else you can do which might help your son more?  Reach out to him with understanding? breathe deeply with him? do something physical together? make a joke? get him a pillow to pummel? run a bath? go out somewhere? bring a beloved toy? hug him?..."

Sometimes actions speak louder than words and kids having a tough time may not be able to hear or process words.  Coming close (but not too close) and sitting and opening up your arms as if you are offering a hug might be more inviting.  That often helps my youngest feel better when he is upset.  Yet every child is different. Pay attention to what helps your stepson calm down and offer that.  

Another idea - Occasionally mention how a few deep breaths help *you* feel better.  And then do that yourself...model it during those upset moments when he is upset or when you are stressed.  

Here is a link for you to check out in case it has something useful (for you so you can support him).
A Mr. Rogers episode on grief/death:

This link to alwaysunschooled is to a thread about books to do with death.  

Laurie