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I am not pleased with my behavior.
 
My son has done  things carefully and thoroughly. However, he has altered the way he does things and is not being gentle.  He says he really wants to be more careful and  do things more carefully like he used to.  I have told him that if he is not more careful that he will not be able to use (whatever it is he is using that he is not being respectful and gentle with) until he can be more gentle, or if he does something that he could do more thoroughly, I have him redo it more thoroughly
 
I realize that I am criticizing him and doling out threats and consequences. See, I told you I am not happy with my behavior. Any thoughts?
 
Thank you so much for taking your time to read this and any insights you would be willing to proffer.
 


 


 

Sandra Dodd

-=-My son has done things carefully and thoroughly-=-

What kinds of things? Be more specific, please.

How old is he and what are you expecting him to do?

-=- I have told him that if he is not more careful that he will not be able to use (whatever it is he is using that he is not being respectful and gentle with) until he can be more gentle-=-

A guitar?
A computer?
A kitten?

-=- or if he does something that he could do more thoroughly, I have him redo it more thoroughly-=-

Are you talking about chores?
I don't think you should try to press a child to "do chores." I think the word should be dropped from the vocabulary of every unschooler, and they should instead do things out of choice, because they want to do it, and let children grow up helping when they want to.

http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com/2014/02/work-hard-and-happliy.html
"When I was a child and was assigned chores, I learned to do the job in a rudimentary fashion as quickly as possible. My kids never learned any such thing, and when they work at jobs, they work hard and happily."

(Day before yesterday's post.)

http://sandradodd.com/chores

Sandra

BRIAN POLIKOWSKY

What is he doing that he is not careful? How old is this child?

Is he spilling milk while pouring a glass?  Is he leaving his toy on the ground?

Can you help him? can you be his partner without micromanaging him and being so critical?



 
Alex Polikowsky
 
 
 


<plaidpanties666@...>

>>My son has done  things carefully and thoroughly. However, he has altered the way he does things and is not being gentle.  He says he really wants to be more careful and  do things more carefully like he used to.<<

I wonder why - for each of these sentences. Why did he tend to be careful and thorough? Why did he change? Why does he want to change back? 

My daughter is careful and thorough about some things - drawing, for instance, and writing, but she wasn't always, and she's more impulsive when it comes to certain kinds of social situations. None of that is good or bad, necessarily. Sometimes it's better to be spontaneous. Sometimes it's better to be a casual, rather than thorough.  

>> I have told him that if he is not more careful that he will not be able to use...<<

If your son's going through a stage where he's growing fast, maybe he's having trouble knowing what his physical capabilities really are and has gotten clumsy as a result. My stepson went through a stage like that in his early teens - literally tripping over his own feet and banging into walls because he didn't know his own size and shape from one day to the next. I think he grew a foot that year (about 30cm). That's something to keep in mind - it's tough growing in the unpredictable ways of childhood! You never know when you're body's going to change on you. 

On the other hand, if you've insisted on "gentle hands" a lot in the past, maybe he's experimenting with other ways of exploring the world. Or maybe he's worn out from being told what to do, how to use his body. It might help to give him lots of things he can explore with great enthusiasm and gusto rather than needing to be careful. 

Something that causes confusion for some moms is when they have kids who are more physical and robust than they are. Some kids need a lot of intense physical activity - roughhousing! wrestling, swinging from the arms, climbing, jumping Off things, and more roughhousing. If you have a kid who needs lots of rough and tumble fun, but aren't very physical, yourself, it can help to look for other people - older kids, teens - who are able to play Hard with your kid. Both my kids were pretty rough-and-tumble when they were little. It was especially hard on Ray, my stepson, because all the kids his age close to us were pretty dainty. With my daughter I was able to find a couple other homeschool kids who could play good and hard - but I also learned to be very careful and watchful at general homeschool events because some of the kids were dainty and easily bowled over. 

>> if he does something that he could do more thoroughly, I have him redo it more thoroughly<<

Like???? I'm having a hard time imagining criticizing one of my kids for not doing something "thoroughly", so I'm at a loss. If you're assigning chores and he's doing them grudgingly, stop assigning chores and the problem will go away. 

---Meredith
 

Sandra Dodd

-=-On the other hand, if you've insisted on "gentle hands" a lot in the past, maybe he's experimenting with other ways of exploring the world. Or maybe he's worn out from being told what to do, how to use his body. It might help to give him lots of things he can explore with great enthusiasm and gusto rather than needing to be careful. -=-

Yes.  Moms sometimes want boys to act more like girls.  School has certainly been accused of having been designed for girls, not for boys.


Most kids need more physical opportunities than they get around the house on a soft, quiet day that mom is asking them to more careful and methodical.   

When a mom says "no, do it again" about something, it sounds more antagonistic than helpful.
But as we don't have any specific examples, it's hard to be helpful.

Sandra