How to keep my mouth shut long enough to create peace!
Marina Moses
Stevie got his first opportunity to DJ a party last night. His current interest in rap and his personality play to his advantage here! We have a lot of sound and light equipment as my kids were in a band for a few years and my husband (Dave) has been in bands off and on and he loves all things technology! We know he had a blast and we are really glad.
The way he got to it though wasn't very smooth. First he told us he would be DJing (when and where). We had a mini argument about him telling rather than asking especially since he already told the giorl he could do it. Dave has to hook up as trailer, transport equipment and set it up then go back and get it. I felt like he should not be treated like the guy you rent equipment from. Stevie doesn't seem to see when he's being rude (the thread about the 4 year old being rude has been helpful here!). Anyway, after we said yes and Dave helped him learn what he needed to know about the equipment all was well until...
Yesterday, a few hours before the party Stevie wants to spend the night there. I have met Alexis and her mom once and am pretty uncomfortable with co ed sleepovers. I say no. He argues that loads of kids will be staying, boys and girls in separate rooms and they want the music really late. A small argument (but a little bigger than the last one) happens. In the end I spoke with the mom and we gave him permission and felt fine-actually great to let him go.
This is not terribly uncommon around here. I let Stevie talk me into stuff but that leaves him knowing I didn't feel good about it in the first place. I would like to have ideas on how to stop and not answer him right away (he can be very persistent!) to have time to think about my answer. I also want ideas on how to talk about it after the fact. We are heading out to pick him up in a few minutes and I can't wait to hear about his fun night. I just wish I would have had the skills to not throw my fear (which is slowly turning into trust) in the mix.
--
Love and Prayers,
Marina
Love and Prayers,
Marina
Joyce Fetteroll
On Feb 22, 2014, at 11:04 AM, Marina Moses <netmamaof3@...> wrote:
We had a mini argument about him telling rather than asking
But when he asked about staying overnight, you said no. You've probably heard the saying "It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission." It sure sounds like it *was* a whole lot easier for him to make the commitment than to go through what you put him through when he does ask.
How about answering him with, "Let me think about that." And then *do* think. Be trustworthy. Tell him to ask again in an hour if you need to clarify what's bothering you.
But it sounds like what's bothering you most is that he's growing up. He's exploring new territory. And you're uncomfortable with it. The more unreasonably uncomfortable you are, the less he'll share. And the more he's likely to do things without telling you. Is that what you want? You can't make him not want to do these things by denying him.
Support him in spreading his wings.
Joyce
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
What I got from what you wrote is you saying "No" and them thinking and checking if it was OK to say yes.
Next time he asks or says he is spending the night while somewhere why not ask questions first and check if it would be OK before you say yes or no.
If you have asked?
Is it OK with her mom? how are you guys doing that? are you going to feel ok if ...? can I talk to her mom to confirm? and listen to you son you may have been OK right away and feeling better about the whole thing. You son would have thought about it while talking to you and you could have then said:
"Well if you are there and you feel like you want to come home for any reason just call me and I can even blame it on me that you need to come home"
He would probably be more comfortable calling you then instead of after what happened now where he may want to prove to you it was OK to go.
I hope I am explaining this well :)
As for the DJ thing. He probably did not think about all it would take and was excited he was being "hired" for it.
I would have said:
" Hey Stevie next time check with me and dad first to make sure we can transport the equipment for you. You do not want to commit before you know it is doable and we will help you is we can."
Maybe he is so sure you would do it for him that he did not take that in consideration. Point out that he needs to ask!
If every time he asks for something you balk at it and he needs to talk you into it what is he learning? So before you say yes or no stop, think, ask questions.
If you clarify in your head what is making you hesitant or why it would not work it would be much easier to say a no and stick with it because there are real reasons for a NO or to say Yes and feel good about it. It may also help your son as he knows he can count on you to have his back and to help if he needs you without "I told you so"
Next time he asks or says he is spending the night while somewhere why not ask questions first and check if it would be OK before you say yes or no.
If you have asked?
Is it OK with her mom? how are you guys doing that? are you going to feel ok if ...? can I talk to her mom to confirm? and listen to you son you may have been OK right away and feeling better about the whole thing. You son would have thought about it while talking to you and you could have then said:
"Well if you are there and you feel like you want to come home for any reason just call me and I can even blame it on me that you need to come home"
He would probably be more comfortable calling you then instead of after what happened now where he may want to prove to you it was OK to go.
I hope I am explaining this well :)
As for the DJ thing. He probably did not think about all it would take and was excited he was being "hired" for it.
I would have said:
" Hey Stevie next time check with me and dad first to make sure we can transport the equipment for you. You do not want to commit before you know it is doable and we will help you is we can."
Maybe he is so sure you would do it for him that he did not take that in consideration. Point out that he needs to ask!
If every time he asks for something you balk at it and he needs to talk you into it what is he learning? So before you say yes or no stop, think, ask questions.
If you clarify in your head what is making you hesitant or why it would not work it would be much easier to say a no and stick with it because there are real reasons for a NO or to say Yes and feel good about it. It may also help your son as he knows he can count on you to have his back and to help if he needs you without "I told you so"
Alex Polikowsky
Pam Sorooshian
In addition to supporting him in spreading his wings, support him in making his own decisions and in thinking for himself about what is appropriate or not. And expect him to make mistakes and don't be judgmental about that.
For example he neglected to check on his dad's availability for the dj gig. Not surprising for a kid his age who is thrilled about the big opportunity. Take that kind of thing in stride and be completely realistic. If dad really can't do it, say so. But if he can, then that's great that it worked out. Maybe after the gig and all the fun you can briefly mention that next time he should check first to make sure his dad can do it.
Maybe I'm wrong but there is a tone of resenent in your email about him taking it for granted that his parents are going to step up and help him. And a bit of fear. Did you think something bad would happen at the overnighter? Sex? A real concern or imaginary? Or was it about appearances or some old "shoulds" from your own past?
Pam
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
UGH! Sorry for the totally not proof read post! ( I hit send instead of Save Draft !)
I hope it makes sense!
From: BRIAN POLIKOWSKY <polykowholsteins@...>
To: "[email protected]" <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, February 22, 2014 4:54 PM
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] How to keep my mouth shut long enough to create peace!
I hope it makes sense!
Alex Polikowsky
From: BRIAN POLIKOWSKY <polykowholsteins@...>
To: "[email protected]" <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, February 22, 2014 4:54 PM
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] How to keep my mouth shut long enough to create peace!
What I got from what you wrote is you saying "No" and them thinking and checking if it was OK to say yes.
Next time he asks or says he is spending the night while somewhere why not ask questions first and check if it would be OK before you say yes or no.
If you have asked?
Is it OK with her mom? how are you guys doing that? are you going to feel ok if ...? can I talk to her mom to confirm? and listen to you son you may have been OK right away and feeling better about the whole thing. You son would have thought about it while talking to you and you could have then said:
"Well if you are there and you feel like you want to come home for any reason just call me and I can even blame it on me that you need to come home"
He would probably be more comfortable calling you then instead of after what happened now where he may want to prove to you it was OK to go.
I hope I am explaining this well :)
As for the DJ thing. He probably did not think about all it would take and was excited he was being "hired" for it.
I would have said:
" Hey Stevie next time check with me and dad first to make sure we can transport the equipment for you. You do not want to commit before you know it is doable and we will help you is we can."
Maybe he is so sure you would do it for him that he did not take that in consideration. Point out that he needs to ask!
If every time he asks for something you balk at it and he needs to talk you into it what is he learning? So before you say yes or no stop, think, ask questions.
If you clarify in your head what is making you hesitant or why it would not work it would be much easier to say a no and stick with it because there are real reasons for a NO or to say Yes and feel good about it. It may also help your son as he knows he can count on you to have his back and to help if he needs you without "I told you so"
Next time he asks or says he is spending the night while somewhere why not ask questions first and check if it would be OK before you say yes or no.
If you have asked?
Is it OK with her mom? how are you guys doing that? are you going to feel ok if ...? can I talk to her mom to confirm? and listen to you son you may have been OK right away and feeling better about the whole thing. You son would have thought about it while talking to you and you could have then said:
"Well if you are there and you feel like you want to come home for any reason just call me and I can even blame it on me that you need to come home"
He would probably be more comfortable calling you then instead of after what happened now where he may want to prove to you it was OK to go.
I hope I am explaining this well :)
As for the DJ thing. He probably did not think about all it would take and was excited he was being "hired" for it.
I would have said:
" Hey Stevie next time check with me and dad first to make sure we can transport the equipment for you. You do not want to commit before you know it is doable and we will help you is we can."
Maybe he is so sure you would do it for him that he did not take that in consideration. Point out that he needs to ask!
If every time he asks for something you balk at it and he needs to talk you into it what is he learning? So before you say yes or no stop, think, ask questions.
If you clarify in your head what is making you hesitant or why it would not work it would be much easier to say a no and stick with it because there are real reasons for a NO or to say Yes and feel good about it. It may also help your son as he knows he can count on you to have his back and to help if he needs you without "I told you so"
Alex Polikowsky
Sandra Dodd
-=-This is not terribly uncommon around here. I let Stevie talk me into stuff but that leaves him knowing I didn't feel good about it in the first place. -=-
I have a bit of a problem with that myself. I've said some things in the past few weeks with two of my adult kids that I wish I had just thought, and not said. Better yet, not even think them.
That's the whole deal about making better choices. Don't speak without thinking.
If you speak without thinking, you're speaking thoughtlessly.
I do it myself, when stress is upon me.
So do what you can (when you can) to avoid stress.
-=-How to keep my mouth shut long enough to create peace!-=-
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully has more info about that at the bottom.
Nowhere in your post did you reind us how old Stevie is. I don't remember and there are new people joining the discussion all the time.
-=-The way he got to it though wasn't very smooth. First he told us he would be DJing (when and where). We had a mini argument about him telling rather than asking especially since he already told the giorl he could do it. Dave has to hook up as trailer, transport equipment and set it up then go back and get it. I felt like he should not be treated like the guy you rent equipment from-=-
In the "we," was the argument mutually among three people? Was your husband unhappy too, or were you unhappy on his behalf?
-=-Yesterday, a few hours before the party Stevie wants to spend the night there. I have met Alexis and her mom once and am pretty uncomfortable with co ed sleepovers. I say no. He argues that loads of kids will be staying, boys and girls in separate rooms and they want the music really late. A small argument (but a little bigger than the last one) happens. In the end I spoke with the mom and we gave him permission and felt fine-actually great to let him go.-=-
It's not "a sleepover" like a little-girls' slumber party. It's a way to facilitate a late-night party. We have hosted kids staying from other towns, lots, and many from nearer in. We've not had problems. If you live near enough to tell him if it's not comfortable for any reason he can call you, that's way better than an all-or-nothing situation where you're angry and he goes anyway and you (might, possibly) hope things go badly so that you'll have been right.
That antagonistic. It has a winner and a loser. It's not being his partner.
And if my guess is gone, that's okay. There are five people reading here who will read it and go a bit red because they have had that feeling.
:-)
Sandra
Sandra Dodd
Alex wrote this:
________
As for the DJ thing. He probably did not think about all it would take and was excited he was being "hired" for it.
I would have said:
" Hey Stevie next time check with me and dad first to make sure we can transport the equipment for you. You do not want to commit before you know it is doable and we will help you is we can."
Maybe he is so sure you would do it for him that he did not take that in consideration. Point out that he needs to ask!
I would have said:
" Hey Stevie next time check with me and dad first to make sure we can transport the equipment for you. You do not want to commit before you know it is doable and we will help you is we can."
Maybe he is so sure you would do it for him that he did not take that in consideration. Point out that he needs to ask!
___________
Real jobs come from kids showing themselves to be competent and reliable before "real jobs" come.
I don't think he should be asking for permission so much as he's asking whether it's a night you can back him up in whatever ways he needs (equipment availability and a ride).
If he's old enough to be the DJ for a party, maybe you should give him (in advance) the leeway to agree to do it without saying "I have to ask my mom if it's okay."
Sandra
Robyn Coburn
This seems like a good moment to mention "Parent-Teen Breakthrough: A Relationship Approach" again. There is some great stuff in there about communicating parental concerns without becoming controlling or starting conflicts.
Robyn Coburn
Résumé Review http://WorkInProduction.com
Creativity Blast http://IggyJingles.com
Design Team http://scraPerfect.com
Robyn Coburn
Résumé Review http://WorkInProduction.com
Creativity Blast http://IggyJingles.com
Design Team http://scraPerfect.com
kirkpatrick clare
I just wanted to pick this bit out because it really struck with something my Mum used to do:
"am pretty uncomfortable with co ed sleepovers."
Apart from a few things, my mum was, without realising it, really very unschooly in approach. We didn't have to do chores, she prioritised her relationship with us over coercion to do things. But...she used to say to me, as the oldest, that if my boyfriend stayed over, he'd have to go to another room when it came time to go to sleep. She didn't say when that time needed to be. She said it was 'for appearances' for my younger siblings. I remember saying to her "Mum, you let him be in my room with me all evening, even until very, very late, but then he has to go sleep in the spare room. When, exactly, do you think we're more likely to be having sex? When we're awake or asleep?". She would laugh and be honest and say "I know, I know, it's ridiculous...I just can't say yes right now". I imagine it was more about her feelings about her baby growing up. But she knew I was having sex. I went camping with my boyfriend and another couple aged 16 and I'd asked her about the pill...but there was a reason why I asked her about contraception at 15 and why all my siblings in their time asked her honestly about contraception and drugs and anything else parents are so scared about:
She was honest with herself about what teens do and she knew that whatever she did, she wouldn't stop us having sex, trying drugs, whatever. That the most important gift she could give us was an open, honest, trusting relationship so that we valued her advice and knew we could come to her if we got into trouble. She knew she'd rather I had sex under her roof than in some field somewhere feeling shameful and at risk of being caught.
When parents are all fearful about mixed-sex gatherings including sleepovers...I'm sorry, but you're being naive. What are you scared of? If it's them having sex...I'm sorry, but teens have sex all over the place, not just at night at sleepovers and by banning something like that, you only make it more likely they'll do it in a dangerous way. Maybe it's not sex you're fearful of, maybe it's the riotous behaviour often expected of a mixed sex group of teens.
Even then, though, I'd disagree that an unschooled teen would behave in such an anti-social manner. I know my friends and I never did. My brother and his friends smoked a lot of pot and got chilled and had philosophical discussions rather than get drunk and rowdy and violent. And I know he made very rational decisions to choose pot over alcohol, which he'd discussed with my Mum. I think, out of four of us, only one of us ever behaved like teens are expected to, and she had massive issues anyway (she was my step-sister and her Mum had died when she was only 10).
Apart from a few things, my mum was, without realising it, really very unschooly in approach. We didn't have to do chores, she prioritised her relationship with us over coercion to do things. But...she used to say to me, as the oldest, that if my boyfriend stayed over, he'd have to go to another room when it came time to go to sleep. She didn't say when that time needed to be. She said it was 'for appearances' for my younger siblings. I remember saying to her "Mum, you let him be in my room with me all evening, even until very, very late, but then he has to go sleep in the spare room. When, exactly, do you think we're more likely to be having sex? When we're awake or asleep?". She would laugh and be honest and say "I know, I know, it's ridiculous...I just can't say yes right now". I imagine it was more about her feelings about her baby growing up. But she knew I was having sex. I went camping with my boyfriend and another couple aged 16 and I'd asked her about the pill...but there was a reason why I asked her about contraception at 15 and why all my siblings in their time asked her honestly about contraception and drugs and anything else parents are so scared about:
She was honest with herself about what teens do and she knew that whatever she did, she wouldn't stop us having sex, trying drugs, whatever. That the most important gift she could give us was an open, honest, trusting relationship so that we valued her advice and knew we could come to her if we got into trouble. She knew she'd rather I had sex under her roof than in some field somewhere feeling shameful and at risk of being caught.
When parents are all fearful about mixed-sex gatherings including sleepovers...I'm sorry, but you're being naive. What are you scared of? If it's them having sex...I'm sorry, but teens have sex all over the place, not just at night at sleepovers and by banning something like that, you only make it more likely they'll do it in a dangerous way. Maybe it's not sex you're fearful of, maybe it's the riotous behaviour often expected of a mixed sex group of teens.
Even then, though, I'd disagree that an unschooled teen would behave in such an anti-social manner. I know my friends and I never did. My brother and his friends smoked a lot of pot and got chilled and had philosophical discussions rather than get drunk and rowdy and violent. And I know he made very rational decisions to choose pot over alcohol, which he'd discussed with my Mum. I think, out of four of us, only one of us ever behaved like teens are expected to, and she had massive issues anyway (she was my step-sister and her Mum had died when she was only 10).
Don't ban things you're scared of - talk about them, enjoy watching your teen grow up. He'll do it anyway...either on his own in secret feeling annoyed with his Mum...or he can do it in joy with your blessing and support.
Clare
Clare
On 23 February 2014 05:08, Robyn Coburn <dezignarob@...> wrote:
This seems like a good moment to mention "Parent-Teen Breakthrough: A Relationship Approach" again. There is some great stuff in there about communicating parental concerns without becoming controlling or starting conflicts.
Robyn Coburn
Résumé Review http://WorkInProduction.com
Creativity Blast http://IggyJingles.com
Design Team http://scraPerfect.com
Marina DeLuca-Howard
You mention that your husband and kids have been in bands, so Stevie's interest in DJing has probably been growing over the years, naturally? It sounds like you've been nurturing his interests and that his dad was fine with helping him?
You need to ask yourself what it is that's bugging you. You don't need to answer but...is it that he has connections outside the family? Does he spring things on you quickly because that's the speed at which they happen or because he "needs" to create an environment where you argue with him the least? Focus on how can we make this happen, rather than whether it can happen or why it shouldn't happen or why the idea of any of it happening is making you uncomfortable and suddenly you are in his corner looking out for him and his biggest cheerleader, rather than an obstacle. If suddenly things get uncomfortable or dangerous instead of thinking, he is on his own he will call you. Because when he needs you he will want to call you, after all you are the person who focuses on "how we can do this".
Ask for time and tell him honestly you want to say "yes" and find a way to work with him. You need the time to examine your worries for his safety and how these can be met while he explores. If he feels respected he will respect you, but if he feels you don't trust him or want to control him he will not want to share information with you.
For instance if his dad was busy he would have needed some help--a friend or other relative could be available with notice or he could problem-solve with you in advance or he could rent or borrow equipment as an investment in his DJ business if he had money. If he knows that he will get help rather than resistance he will come to you first to share good news and his passions.
Marina
--
When will our consciences grow so tender that we will act to prevent human misery rather than avenge it? Eleanor Roosevelt
Nemo risum praebuit, qui ex se coepit - Nobody is laughed at, who laughs at himself. (Seneca)
Sandra Dodd
-=-When parents are all fearful about mixed-sex gatherings including sleepovers...I'm sorry, but you're being naive. -=-
This triggered an irritation for me.
Years ago we were discussing co-ed sleepovers (maybe on Always Learning; not sure where) and I said we had them fairly regularly, and peacefully, and my kids had been to others elsewhere—casual staying up late gaming, kids who didn't live there "crashed." Concerts or tournaments friends or cousins had come from out of town for. We have a big room and a closet full of futons (did, but as our kids have moved out, they've taken some for guest rooms where they live, so we're down to three).
Someone new to the discussion went kind of crazy and said if we thought kids could sleep over and NOT have sex, we were naive. That kids unsupervised bu adults DID have sex. I think she also used the word "guarantee."
As though, in her non-naive way, she was guaranteeing us that every one of them would have sex. And she was angry that we were letting them, and that we were stupid for not knowing.
Meanwhile, back at my real house, they were sleeping.
I have known teens from my own youth to have had sex in cars, in the woods, in their houses while parents were at work, after parties at houses where they weren't even sure who owned the place, on school trips, on jackets off the side of a ski slope, and in dorm rooms. Me, the dorm room. Others, other friends and relatives of mine. Not in a group of six or eight kids, but with just two there, and nobody else.
I don't think a mixed-sex sleepover at someone's parents' house is a danger.
Causing a child to be sneaky is a danger.
Frustrating a child with arbitrary limitations is a danger.
Sandra
Ms Angela & Chris Moore
We're a family of musicians and I remember the first time my 15 year old accepted a gig for a time his dad and I weren't available to haul his equipment (we both had performances that same night) - I explained this to him and he, without promoting from us, called his band-mates and made arrangements for the guitarist's family to give him and his equipment rides to and from the venue. I think performers often say yes to gigs and then make the details work. Maybe you can brainstorm with your son on the different ways he can get his equipment to gigs if his dad were ever unavailable to do so.
Angela
Angela
Marina Moses
I have spent these last days letting much of these ideas sink in and thinking before I speak. Also, thinking about why I say many of the things I say. At 45 years old I thought I really knew what made me tick and suddenly I am realizing how much more I need to grow.
First, Stevie is 14 and has never used the equipment. His dad always ran sound for Stevie. He didn't know how to set it up or run it on his own. He hadn't asked his dad to help him learn how to use it or for transportation. He just said, "I'm DJing for a party Friday." After a bit of negotiation, Dave showed him how to use the sound and lights, let him practice in the garage and set it up for him. The party was a blast!
From Pam: "Maybe I'm wrong but there is a tone of resenent in your email about him taking it for granted that his parents are going to step up and help him. And a bit of fear. Did you think something bad would happen at the overnighter? Sex? A real concern or imaginary? Or was it about appearances or some old "shoulds" from your own past?"
There was definitely some resentment about being taken for granted. I really needed to look at that. Alex nailed it when she guessed that Stevie was so sure we would help him. When I look at it that way I'm glad and I want him to always feel that way. I did have a brief talk (and brief is tough for me but I'm getting better at it!) with him about how we would feel better if he asked for our help rather than telling us what to do. I told him flat out that I want more chances to say yes to him (Thanks Marina, for that suggestion). He got it. He's doing another party tomorrow and he asked his dad. It wasn't even a big problem but somehow I managed to make it one.
As far as stuff coming up from my past, yes! I am a typical adult child of divorced alcoholic/drug addicts who loved me. My mom lost custody and visitation of me when I was 4 because of drug addiction. By 13 my dad let me live with her again and she put me on the pill and was smoking pot with me. Other kids thought she was cool. I was a 3 time runaway at 14 and 15 and was basically allowed to be on my own at 16. My husband grew up with a drunk violent non present father and co dependent mother. I'm only listing this stuff for perspective-not reasons or excuses. I spent my 20s digging deep into my motivations and healing. I even have a relationship with my mom who is a bit messed up but no longer on drugs!
My husband and I were engaged in a lot of risky behaviors that my two oldest seemed to avoid. Stevie looks more and more like a mirror of myself as a teenager and it does scare me a bit. He tells me everything though. Well maybe not everything but enough that I know what's going on.
Sometimes it looks like the opposite of neglect and abuse is over involvement and control! Sometimes feelings come up for my husband like, If I would have said that my father would have slapped me across the room. For me it's more like, He should be grateful for having parents who make him a priority. We try to keep this stuff to ourselves but I have to admit they've heard it more than once in moments of reaction. That's why I'm looking for skills that will get me out of reaction and into thoughtful preparation before I speak. I realize that most of what he wants I want to say yes to (and almost always do in the end) but sometimes I get resentful (maybe because I didn't have the same opportunity? I don't know. The feelings come up and pass so quickly) so if I can find even a few minutes to not speak he can get the, "yes" he is expecting without having to be the salesman I turn him into.
Lastly, Thank you Sandra and Clare. The sleep over thing is in better perspective now. I had sex way to young and with too many people. That's sad for me especially since I met my husband when I was almost 17 and have only been with him since! Looking back to when and where I had casual sex I have to laugh because not once was it at a parent supervised sleep over (not that it couldn't happen but he has opportunities in many places every day if he wants to)! I realize that my kids will set up their own values regarding sex and love and I think that they have had the most healthy perspective we could have possibly presented. He talks to me about all of that stuff too. I want him to keep talking and I'm worried that eventually he'll stop if I don't stop making it stressful.
After reading another thread in this very helpful group, I have decided that rather than "working on less stress" I will "become more peaceful."
Sorry this was so long! You all help me grow so much. I didn't know Deschooling would also be Psychotherapy.
Love and Prayers,
Marina
Sandra Dodd
-=- I'm only listing this stuff for perspective-not reasons or excuses. I spent my 20s digging deep into my motivations and healing. I even have a relationship with my mom who is a bit messed up but no longer on drugs!-=-
That kind of healing isn't a once-and-for-all thing. Conversations with your mother, and reactions to your son, and your own milestones as you get older *will* trigger the old you, and the sorrows and fears and resentments and jealousies.
All the time, all day, there will be times for you to slip back or to step up.
-=-Sometimes it looks like the opposite of neglect and abuse is over involvement and control!-=-
It's typical to go to the opposite extreme. It's healthy to find the balance, where each action and utterance (and, eventually, many of your thoughts) are based on solid and calm belief and experience, not on reactions.
-=-I didn't know Deschooling would also be Psychotherapy.-=-
Ah.... hold on.
Psychotherapy has a therapist.
We're laying out a bunch of tools and tricks and inviting you to borrow them, keep them, make your own, to learn gradually how to heal and grow. :-)
But sometimes people want a therapist and I have a list saved, linked from this page, which might be otherwise useful:
and a newer page:
Sandra
[email protected]
I don't post much here, I read almost every conversation though, which helps me so much, keeping me in check with daily life with my boys.
I really felt compelled to thank you, Marina, for your post. Unfortunately, AND fortunately, I relate all too well. I really appreciate this group so much, SO much :). Every day I work, and try something new, for peace, because of my morning readings here.
I can't thank you enough.
Cassie