Yvonne Laborda

Our unschooled daughter is 8 and she has a friend, also 8, who goes to school who has told her about her "sex" practices with other girls and boys in toilets... My daughter also told me that her friend has asked her to do "things" to her and with her but she doesn't want to...

She told us this week even though her friend made her promise not to talk about this to anyone. My daughter felt bad about having to hide it... She doen't want to do anything sexual yet. Actually she is not in this, at all.

My concern is what to do from now on... We are friends with this family. My husband and I have thought about talking about this openly with the girl's parents and with her, too. We don't want her to force our daughter to do anything she is not willing to do and, in my opinión, I think she is still too young (only 8). We would like to tell them and her that we don´t judge what she does. Her parents are conventional and authoritarian... We also have a 7  boy and a 5 girl.

My husband suggested asking in this grup for some advice or if someone else has gone through something similar.

Vicki Dennis

*I* would not involve *conventional and authoritarian* parents unless the daughter does not heed your daughters requests to cease and desist.   I fear it could lead to very severe treatment of the friend. Perhaps even what I might call abuse; either physical or emotional.

Since your daughter has asked for help, *I* think would be fine to say "We don't judge what you choose to do with other friends so long as it is consensual but DD is not interested and worries you are not understanding her "no". "

vicki


On Fri, Jan 31, 2014 at 12:18 PM, Yvonne Laborda <yvonnelaborda@...> wrote:
 

Our unschooled daughter is 8 and she has a friend, also 8, who goes to school who has told her about her "sex" practices with other girls and boys in toilets... My daughter also told me that her friend has asked her to do "things" to her and with her but she doesn't want to...

She told us this week even though her friend made her promise not to talk about this to anyone. My daughter felt bad about having to hide it... She doen't want to do anything sexual yet. Actually she is not in this, at all.

My concern is what to do from now on... We are friends with this family. My husband and I have thought about talking about this openly with the girl's parents and with her, too. We don't want her to force our daughter to do anything she is not willing to do and, in my opinión, I think she is still too young (only 8). We would like to tell them and her that we don´t judge what she does. Her parents are conventional and authoritarian... We also have a 7  boy and a 5 girl.

My husband suggested asking in this grup for some advice or if someone else has gone through something similar.


<plaidpanties666@...>

What would help your daughter feel more secure in her ability to say no? Ask your daughter. Would it help to "make a rule" that all playdates happen only at your house, never at the other girl's? Would it help to "make a rule" that they can't play behind closed doors?

 I'm putting "make a rule" in quotes because while it certainly would be a rule, it would be something you and your daughter are agreeing on as a way for her to feel more comfortable playing with this friend. Your daughter doesn't have to say why there's a new rule - it's entirely plausible to most kids that parents come up with weird new rules at random, or because of something they saw on tv or read in a magazine.

Sandra Dodd

-=- in my opinión, I think she is still too young (only 8). We would like to tell them and her that we don´t judge what she does. Her parents are conventional and authoritarian...-=-

Well don't say "we don't judge what she does," because it's not true.  You've judged it "too young" and potentially damaging to the family's peace, and to your hounger children, and something that made your daughter feel bad just knowing about it, and something to get outside advice about.

You're not judging it to be a great thing you really want to get involved with, or that you wish your daughter would get involved in.


-=- in my opinión, I think she is still too young (only 8). -=-

There's not an age coming up at which pretending to have sex is going to be appropriate.

If you decide not to talk to the other parents, you could speak directly to the girl and say you don't want that at your house, and for to stop asking your little girl to play that.  Keep near when they're playing, so you can hear.  If an unusual silence comes, go in happily to make sure they're okay.  

Maybe you could say something to the little girl that she could use to say to the kids at school, about it not being good, about her body being private or something.  Not alarmist, not threatening, just calmly "no."

If you do talk to the other family, maybe you could ask them to watch and help prevent it while your daughter is around. Maybe you could say that part of why you don't want her in school is to avoid these kinds of things, and you don't want school's problems coming to your house.

Maybe not, but maybe some of that will help you, or trigger other ideas.

Sandra

Lisbeth Campos

I looked this up as I thought the friends behaviour seems a lot more than pretending and according to this link should not be happening at this age.  It gives a good idea of sexual behaviour of children.
 
http://www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-advice/for-parents/talking-about-sex/sexual-behaviour-of-children/child-sexual-behaviour_wda96782.html#normal

Once I called the NSPCC and their advise was to speak to the child's parents because I felt their inappropriate behaviour might be a result of abuse.
 
I didn't feel comfortable as I didn't know them very well so I was told to speak to a person who did.  It helped me as I could speak openly with the person and felt assured after our conversation.
 
It can be very distressing as it is a very sensitive subject but thankfully your child is able to speak with you and ask for your support which a big gift. 
 
Good luck
 
Hope it helps x


 
To: [email protected]
From: Sandra@...
Date: Fri, 31 Jan 2014 17:28:15 -0600
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Schooled friend talks and wants "sex" with our daughter.

 
-=- in my opinión, I think she is still too young (only 8). We would like to tell them and her that we don´t judge what she does. Her parents are conventional and authoritarian...-=-

Well don't say "we don't judge what she does," because it's not true.  You've judged it "too young" and potentially damaging to the family's peace, and to your hounger children, and something that made your daughter feel bad just knowing about it, and something to get outside advice about.

You're not judging it to be a great thing you really want to get involved with, or that you wish your daughter would get involved in.


-=- in my opinión, I think she is still too young (only 8). -=-

There's not an age coming up at which pretending to have sex is going to be appropriate.

If you decide not to talk to the other parents, you could speak directly to the girl and say you don't want that at your house, and for to stop asking your little girl to play that.  Keep near when they're playing, so you can hear.  If an unusual silence comes, go in happily to make sure they're okay.  

Maybe you could say something to the little girl that she could use to say to the kids at school, about it not being good, about her body being private or something.  Not alarmist, not threatening, just calmly "no."

If you do talk to the other family, maybe you could ask them to watch and help prevent it while your daughter is around. Maybe you could say that part of why you don't want her in school is to avoid these kinds of things, and you don't want school's problems coming to your house.

Maybe not, but maybe some of that will help you, or trigger other ideas.

Sandra