Joy and hope instead of shame
Sandra Dodd
It's Tuesday morning and I'm in Lisbon at Marta Pires's house. So is Joyce Fetteroll. This last weekend there was a symposium, and I'm still tired. :-)
One story I told was when I jokingly said to Holly, when she was a teen (I don't remember how old, but mid-teens?) "You should be ashamed." In context it wasn't shaming, it was humor. But she looked at me seriously and said "what does that mean?" She really didn't know.
The paragraph below just showed up in my e-mail (as part of something much longer). It was written by a step brother I don't mention, because it was so small a part of my life, and not followed up on, really. But near my dad's death, he married a woman my age who had two children. So she was his widow, and he adopted her children, and died very soon after. I couldn't really call someone my own age "my stepmother," but legally she was. She wasn't friendly. She wasn't nice. My sister and I agreed to let her have all my dad's property (two houses) and then just didn't stay in contact (calmly, turned and lived our separate lives).
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Those seeds of shame have profoundly influenced my life, my sense of worth and my ability to follow through on important commitments. Even today, when I look in the mirror, what I see is an unattractive, obese slob. I often see a person who disgusts me, who is neither worthy of a good life nor of your respect. I am ashamed of my body and my weight. I am ashamed of my finances and the fact that I never finished college. I'm ashamed of how I've parented my kids, particularly the one, with whom I've had ongoing and difficult conflicts. I'm ashamed of the husband I've been and my lack of empathy and compassion when my wife needs it most. I'm ashamed to have burdened my parents with ongoing requests for financial help and support and I'm ashamed of all the money that has been spent on college tuition, which never resulted in my earning a degree. When I think of my life, I often think of someone who had great potential and myriad opportunities, but who squandered all of it. I live with deep shame, which impacts every area of my life.
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Mike Adams, is his name, and since he established contact with me a few years ago, I've told him a couple of times that his writing was too negative for me, and that my dad was a very cheery guy who said people could decide to be happy. But my dad is not genetically influential in Mike's life. Mike's mom was a downer (in all my experience, she wasn't for my dad) and Mike's biological dad was someone who didn't stick around to take care of his own children.
If in your family you have a propensity to be negativy and to shame and to be ashamed, and to think of what isn't instead of what is, and of what can't be instead of what can't, then there is even MORE reason for you to find abundance and to choose up over down, and choose smile over frown.
http://sandradodd.com/abundance
http://sandradodd.com/gratitude
http://sandradodd.com/joy
You'll make a dozen choices today�maybe three dozen. Look up!
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
One story I told was when I jokingly said to Holly, when she was a teen (I don't remember how old, but mid-teens?) "You should be ashamed." In context it wasn't shaming, it was humor. But she looked at me seriously and said "what does that mean?" She really didn't know.
The paragraph below just showed up in my e-mail (as part of something much longer). It was written by a step brother I don't mention, because it was so small a part of my life, and not followed up on, really. But near my dad's death, he married a woman my age who had two children. So she was his widow, and he adopted her children, and died very soon after. I couldn't really call someone my own age "my stepmother," but legally she was. She wasn't friendly. She wasn't nice. My sister and I agreed to let her have all my dad's property (two houses) and then just didn't stay in contact (calmly, turned and lived our separate lives).
==============================
Those seeds of shame have profoundly influenced my life, my sense of worth and my ability to follow through on important commitments. Even today, when I look in the mirror, what I see is an unattractive, obese slob. I often see a person who disgusts me, who is neither worthy of a good life nor of your respect. I am ashamed of my body and my weight. I am ashamed of my finances and the fact that I never finished college. I'm ashamed of how I've parented my kids, particularly the one, with whom I've had ongoing and difficult conflicts. I'm ashamed of the husband I've been and my lack of empathy and compassion when my wife needs it most. I'm ashamed to have burdened my parents with ongoing requests for financial help and support and I'm ashamed of all the money that has been spent on college tuition, which never resulted in my earning a degree. When I think of my life, I often think of someone who had great potential and myriad opportunities, but who squandered all of it. I live with deep shame, which impacts every area of my life.
==============================
Mike Adams, is his name, and since he established contact with me a few years ago, I've told him a couple of times that his writing was too negative for me, and that my dad was a very cheery guy who said people could decide to be happy. But my dad is not genetically influential in Mike's life. Mike's mom was a downer (in all my experience, she wasn't for my dad) and Mike's biological dad was someone who didn't stick around to take care of his own children.
If in your family you have a propensity to be negativy and to shame and to be ashamed, and to think of what isn't instead of what is, and of what can't be instead of what can't, then there is even MORE reason for you to find abundance and to choose up over down, and choose smile over frown.
http://sandradodd.com/abundance
http://sandradodd.com/gratitude
http://sandradodd.com/joy
You'll make a dozen choices today�maybe three dozen. Look up!
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Patricia Platt
I, too, have been thinking recently about shame, especially as it compares
to guilt (which was an interesting topic on AlwaysLearning some months
back). I read an interesting interview (in "O" magazine) with Brene Brown,
who studies shame (and vulnerability, guilt, and empathy), and I looked at
some other interviews with her on YouTube. Among other things, Brene Brown
points out that guilt is "I did a bad thing," whereas shame is "I am bad,"
and that guilt leads to better behavior, while shame makes us act worse
(and can start a downward spiral, like Sandra's stepbrother's).
Brene Brown (and others) have pointed out that there are steps anyone can
take to heal shame. First, recognize the way it feels in your body. Then,
put the shaming incident into perspective (i.e., "hey, do I really deserve
this shame? why is this person really trying to shame me?"). Lastly, speak
your shame. That last step reestablishes your social connection. Shame is
an isolating emotion.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
to guilt (which was an interesting topic on AlwaysLearning some months
back). I read an interesting interview (in "O" magazine) with Brene Brown,
who studies shame (and vulnerability, guilt, and empathy), and I looked at
some other interviews with her on YouTube. Among other things, Brene Brown
points out that guilt is "I did a bad thing," whereas shame is "I am bad,"
and that guilt leads to better behavior, while shame makes us act worse
(and can start a downward spiral, like Sandra's stepbrother's).
Brene Brown (and others) have pointed out that there are steps anyone can
take to heal shame. First, recognize the way it feels in your body. Then,
put the shaming incident into perspective (i.e., "hey, do I really deserve
this shame? why is this person really trying to shame me?"). Lastly, speak
your shame. That last step reestablishes your social connection. Shame is
an isolating emotion.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]