Marta Pires

My 3 year old Constança seems to prefer to stay at home for long
periods of time, ever since she was about two and a half. Right about
that time, she got sick and we stayed home for a whole week (maybe a
bit more) and it seems as if she found out that she really liked it
(up until then, we would go out often, to the groceries, to the park,
to meet other moms and their little kids, etc.). At least, I think
both things are connected...

Anyway, we got a Wii for Christmas and she's been having a great time
with it. She loves to play! Needless to say, we really don't go out as
much, but we do have a great time at home. We play with the Wii, we
watch videos on youtube, she paints drawings online, she writes
letters (at her request) of different sizes and colours on a word
document, sometimes we cook, she takes a bath and plays with her toys
every other day, we run around the house, jump on the bed, etc. --the
list is long but I don't think that's the point here, so I won't go
on.

Also, she's never really been a people person, but I know she loves
being with her grandmother and grandfather and my aunt, for instance.
But even then, just as we're about to leave to meet them, she doesn't
want to anymore. I usually tell her, in a few words, that people are
already expecting us (if it's too late to call it off) and she seems
to understand and comes along. Then, when she's there, she loves being
there and has a good time. She usually only asks to go back home if
we're at a place she doesn't know, with people she doesn't know (but
after asking once or twice, and being there for a while, she's fine),
or if she's really upset or tired or both.

I try to suggest things for us to do outside, things I know she enjoys
(eat ice creams. buy toys, go to the park), but, in the end, when
we're all ready to go, she says she wants to stay home instead, which
is fine by me. Sometimes, I wonder if it's the transitioning part
that's hard on her --if so, any ideas on how to help her? I don't mind
staying at home with her, and my husband and I usually go to the
groceries or do other things we need to do on his days off (one of us
stays at home with her, if she doesn't want to go out). When I need to
see people, I'm the one that goes to the groceries (and so my husband
can also relax a bit at home) and my needs get met. I know that in a
few years, I'll be able to go out as much as I want and I'll probably
miss these times when she was little...

She got sick again, twice this year (runny nose, a bit feverish) and
my husband has been telling me that he's concerned that her immune
system is too fragile and that maybe we should go out more (she got
sick the day after we went out, on both occasions). Even though I'm
not sure that what he's saying is completely accurate (can anyone
point me to any research about a link between being out and not
getting sick, please?), I don't want to overlook his concerns and I
want to reassure him that I'll do my best to help Constança be healthy
and not get sick, of course.

I'm afraid I'm not suggesting as much as I could, or helping her
transition... Just looking back at what I wrote, I can see fear in my
thoughts. I'm afraid we should be getting out more, partly because of
my husband's concerns, which I respect, but also because of my parents
and aunt, who are constantly asking me if we're going out (they call
us on skype on a daily basis, I don't answer them everytime they call)
and telling me that I should take her out more. I also remember, when
first reading about the way primitive societies raised their kids
(right after Constança was born) and how we should try to apply those
practices to our lives, that there was a strong emphasis on everything
nature-related --even though I now see those readings as less valuable
to me, for my path towards being a better mom and person and radically
unschooling my child the best I can, it feels as if those thoughts are
still in the back of my head...

She seems to be happy with our current arrangement, maybe I should
value that instead of what people around me say... (excluding my
husband's concerns, of course)

Thanks in advance for any input!

Marta

Meredith

Marta Pires <martaborgespires@...> wrote:
>
> My 3 year old Constança seems to prefer to stay at home for long
> periods of time

How long is "long"? A couple weeks? A month? Longer? A month seems long to me, but not a couple weeks. Mo goes through phases of not wanting to get out much - she's a strong introvert and if there have been people coming to our house she's not terribly interested in going other places. When Mo's getting out "a lot" it's once, maybe twice a week.

>I wonder if it's the transitioning part
> that's hard on her

She's 3, so that's a big Yes! Transitions are hard for 3yos.


>>--if so, any ideas on how to help her?

Sometimes the best help is to realize that transitions are going to be hard for awhile. If you're expecting them to be easy, then every rough transition is going to seem like a failure and you'll be tense and she'll feel that tension and that will make everything harder? What's she doing? Screaming and kicking? Pick her up gently and apologetically and commiserate that transitions are hard. It can help to have everything ready before then - car packed and started and all you need to do is get her in. Little kids generally like a bit of a warning but not Too much warning - a couple minutes, not "twenty minutes, ten minutes, five minutes, three minutes... now!" That kind of extended countdown is baffling to little kids.

You didn't really say much about what the trouble is, so I don't want to spend too much time guessing. In general, if transitions are hard, focus on what your daughter wants to do After the transition - talk to her about that and support that.

But also realize that it's okay to be a homebody.

---Meredith

sukaynalabboun

I am new to this group and this is my first reply, however, we are having some issues whenever we try to get out. My oldest and youngest dd's love getting out (14 and 8 respectively), but the middle one (11) loves to just keep working on her projects at home...I understand she is reluctant to give up time on something she is loving, but we are not living in an area where it is safe to leave her alone. The others get really tense if we don't get out every few days, and she is tense if we DO. I usually try to find some middle ground- giving her time to prepare to leave her activity, not demanding it but trying to explain it is hard for us to stay home this much. She usually ends up enjoying the time out once we get there- but I feel guilty about even asking her to put away what she has been doing in order to get out with us. Is this 'unschooly' in that we are putting some needs ahead of hers at those times, and if so are there any suggestions for how to manage everyone's needs better? As I said, it is not safe to leave her alone in our country at this time (we live overseas in a rather unstable country), otherwise I would consider this as an option. I do try to make sure there is something everyone will enjoy in the outing...and there is no arguing per se, but more of a sadness in her face at the prospect of changing gears. I would welcome any suggestions and otherwise we are loving unschooling (we have been reading, trying, watching for about 8 months!) Additionally, for the reasons mentioned above, we also have issues with finding enough to get out and do as there are very few parks, opens spaces, museums, etc and absolutely no libraries here. SO, any and all ideas are welcome and thanks!

sheeboo2

Around here, the need/desire for outings and staying home comes in waves. Two outings a week are usually more than enough, although there have been longer periods where Noor has enjoyed either staying home or going out more frequently. She's almost always game for a walk around the neighborhood every day regardless. The walks have always been a, "Lets go for a walk" invitation rather than a question like,"Do you want to go for a walk?". It is very rare for her to not want to go, although sometimes she'll suggest a later time, which is fine with me.

I think sometimes parents of younger children pose too many things as questions that can have "No" for an answer. Instead of asking if she'd like to go play outside (if you know she'll enjoy herself once she's out), just say, "let's go!" When Noor was younger, it was easiest to leave the house shortly after she woke up in the morning, before she got deeply engaged with playing.

Also worth noting is that In the States, there are a lot of really busy toddlers! It takes some courage to stay home when everyone else is so busy. I'm not sure if Portugal is the same.

As far as the colds, I don't think that two a year are a lot. Each time your child gets sick, she builds her immune system, so even though she isn't coming into contact with lots and lots of people and their germs, she's still exercising her immune response.

Brie

Meredith

"sukaynalabboun" <sukaynalabboun@...> wrote:
> The others get really tense if we don't get out every few days, and she is tense if we DO.
****************

Is it possible to have someone come hang out with her while the rest of you go out? Is it possible for your other girls to go out with someone else now and then? Their dad maybe? Even if you can only arrange something like that once in a while, it expands your options.

>>there is no arguing per se, but more of a sadness in her face at the prospect of changing gears
***************

Can she bring what she's doing along? I know it depends a lot on what she's doing - it's much easier to bring a laptop than a set of trains, although we've brought boxes of legos along in the past when Mo was busy with a project and George and I wanted to go to some event.

---Meredith

Joyce Fetteroll

On Jul 12, 2012, at 5:05 PM, sukaynalabboun wrote:

> Is this 'unschooly' in that we are putting some needs ahead of hers at
> those times, and if so are there any suggestions for how to manage everyone's needs better?

"Is it unschooly" is an awkward test to judge whether an idea is good or bad for it. It's too vague.

Better is principles. Like respect. Is it respectful to put some needs ahead of hers? Is it respectful to put her needs ahead of others?

But really needs clashing is just a common dilemma of life. And the helpful thing is finding a way to do both, either at the same time or separately.

Can what she's doing be made portable? If you can take "home" with you, create a nest in the car, then it's less like you're pulling her away.

There's some transition ideas:
http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/

On the right under "Unschooling in action".

Joyce

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sukaynalabboun

Thanks everyone- You are right Joyce in that I meant to say is this respectful of her needs at the expense of the needs of the other two? Dad is travelling and unavailable, so it is really the 4 of us and I guess I meant sometimes I struggle to find the common ground in terms of balancing everyone's needs and not wanting to be modeling disrespect towards interests and passions....I will try to find some ways to take the projects along if possible, and I appreciate the suggestions!

sheeboo2

Noor has learned to read and write the same way Pam's daughter did. I think I've seen it refered to as "whole word" reading. Basically, she memorized lots of words and from that point, was able to deduct that 'ball' was nearly the same as 'call.'. Memorizing whole words came way before having a firm grasp on letter sounds. I'm pretty sure Meredith has some helpful links.

Does he play video games? Nothing has been more instrumental for Noor's learning to read and write than Minecraft. It started with reading and making signs and has progressed to messaging in-game. All of this was significantly aided by playing with a friend who reads/writes fluently. The two girls Skype and Julia reads things for Noor and helps her spell other things. While I always did that for Noor previously, there was something magical about a peer helping.

Brie

sebrina w

> Noor has learned to read and write the same way Pam's daughter did. I
think I've seen it refered to as "whole word" reading. Basically, she
memorized lots of words and from that point, was able to deduct that
'ball' was nearly the same as 'call.'. Memorizing whole words came way
before having a firm grasp on letter sounds. I'm pretty sure Meredith
has some helpful links.
He does know many whole words, he knows run and stop and play and game
and to and go and several others. We've labeled some of the things in
the house with words, like fridge, TV, Door...

> Does he play video games? Nothing has been more instrumental for
Noor's learning to read and write than Minecraft.

Oh yes big time minecraft lover over here! He just loves that game and
his younger brother has learned how to create servers so they play that
quite often. I think that is how he has learned many of the words he
does know.


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