Computer overload for my son! Help!
fiesta110
This is my first real post, please be gentle!
My husband and I are very concerned about our 12 year old. A year ago
September, he never played computer games and now we see that he has
slowly lost interest in everything but the games. At Christmas we got
an Xbox and as a family we came up with the amount of time they would
play. Prior to last September, both my sons were frustrated when the
neighborhood school kids chose to play computer games instead of playing
other games with them. They were shocked at how much time kids spent on
the computer. Of course, keeping time etc. was not fun and I started
reading and learning more and more about unschooling so I was trying to
let go and see if he would find the balance. My husband was not quite
on board with watching and seeing. The xbox, (that we were so worried
about!) is lying quiet a lot of the time and the computer has become the
favorite place. It's been an extremely stressful time as we've watched
our son who used to be the active, creative, energetic, joyful kid
become sullen, sedentary, angry. He is just about refusing to do
anything we suggest like go to the pool, go on a float trip, play
outside, go on bike rides etc... He has always loved games and for years
he was making his own board games which were getting a little more
complex over time. Then he started playing computer games and the
thought of trying to create one of those seems monumental to him and now
the games creation has come to a halt. He has looked on line and played
around with come sites but that is too complex so it's easier to just
play the game. Now, there is nothing wrong with playing a computer game
but when it starts to take over and affect the whole family it's hard to
just watch.
Here are a few other pieces to the puzzle. My son has diabetes and now
he's entering teen years. So, how much of his moods are because of
these factors and not because of the games is difficult to distinguish.
We just feel like he has a glazed look when he gets off the computer and
as he is choosing to stay in the house even if he isn't on the computer.
It's affecting our family life. We used to go out a lot and over this
year we have become almost home bound. It's hard not to think that it's
the games that have caused this change in him. I know that changes
happen and you can't keep comparing to what used to be. We are trying
to give him the freedom to make these choices but I know it's been
through gritted teeth because of the seemingly overnight transformation
we've seen in him. We have started to leave him for short periods of
time so that our younger son can do some of the things he wants to do.
Due to the diabetes, and because we are letting him decide when he is
ready to start giving himself medecine, he can't be left for too long.
The lack of activity is also extremely bad for him because of the
diabetes.
This has been the major obstacle in our family. There have been more
fights this year than I care to think about and I want our joyful family
back.
Thanks for any insight!
Cordelia
My husband and I are very concerned about our 12 year old. A year ago
September, he never played computer games and now we see that he has
slowly lost interest in everything but the games. At Christmas we got
an Xbox and as a family we came up with the amount of time they would
play. Prior to last September, both my sons were frustrated when the
neighborhood school kids chose to play computer games instead of playing
other games with them. They were shocked at how much time kids spent on
the computer. Of course, keeping time etc. was not fun and I started
reading and learning more and more about unschooling so I was trying to
let go and see if he would find the balance. My husband was not quite
on board with watching and seeing. The xbox, (that we were so worried
about!) is lying quiet a lot of the time and the computer has become the
favorite place. It's been an extremely stressful time as we've watched
our son who used to be the active, creative, energetic, joyful kid
become sullen, sedentary, angry. He is just about refusing to do
anything we suggest like go to the pool, go on a float trip, play
outside, go on bike rides etc... He has always loved games and for years
he was making his own board games which were getting a little more
complex over time. Then he started playing computer games and the
thought of trying to create one of those seems monumental to him and now
the games creation has come to a halt. He has looked on line and played
around with come sites but that is too complex so it's easier to just
play the game. Now, there is nothing wrong with playing a computer game
but when it starts to take over and affect the whole family it's hard to
just watch.
Here are a few other pieces to the puzzle. My son has diabetes and now
he's entering teen years. So, how much of his moods are because of
these factors and not because of the games is difficult to distinguish.
We just feel like he has a glazed look when he gets off the computer and
as he is choosing to stay in the house even if he isn't on the computer.
It's affecting our family life. We used to go out a lot and over this
year we have become almost home bound. It's hard not to think that it's
the games that have caused this change in him. I know that changes
happen and you can't keep comparing to what used to be. We are trying
to give him the freedom to make these choices but I know it's been
through gritted teeth because of the seemingly overnight transformation
we've seen in him. We have started to leave him for short periods of
time so that our younger son can do some of the things he wants to do.
Due to the diabetes, and because we are letting him decide when he is
ready to start giving himself medecine, he can't be left for too long.
The lack of activity is also extremely bad for him because of the
diabetes.
This has been the major obstacle in our family. There have been more
fights this year than I care to think about and I want our joyful family
back.
Thanks for any insight!
Cordelia
Meredith
"fiesta110" <thoscor@...> wrote:
What if you were to step back from your first reaction and consider these to be Big factors - would your response to his interest in computer games change? It's common for young teens to go into a kind of "cocoon" stage - does that idea help you feel better about the computer? If he was spending the same time daydreaming in his room, or reading in his room, or listening to music in his room, how would that be different?
How long has he been playing? You said you got an xbox at the start of the year, and it's been since then? So less than six months, and you had limits before then, right? So he's doing something new And responding to prior limits - perfect setup for doing that thing for long periods of time, even without adding hormones into the mix.
It's important to step back from the tendency to look at what a child is doing and think in terms of a future career. It's really not possible to guess the future that way and know which of a person's many interests - if any - will lead to paying work, and which will remain hobbies or fade into the past. My partner, for instance, used to be an avid train enthusiast and model builder. Now he makes electric guitars - the connection? er... nope, can't think of one other than a sort of general "making things and solving complex problems".
Are you bringing him snacks? Offering him backrubs and other friendly, non-intrusive ways to connect? Watching him play and playing a little yourself so you can understand the appeal of the game (or at least the complexity of the game).
Once again, consider how things would be different if he didn't want to go out because he wanted to spend time by himself in his room, reading or listening to music or daydreaming (or painting... or writing poetry...).
Treat it as a logistics problem, not a good kid/bad kid problem - how can you help family members do what they want to do?
As your kids get older, your life Will change... and some of those changes will blindside you. That's okay. Try to see change as something to adapt to rather than a problem in and of itself.
---Meredith
>> Here are a few other pieces to the puzzle. My son has diabetes and now**************
> he's entering teen years. So, how much of his moods are because of
> these factors and not because of the games is difficult to distinguish.
What if you were to step back from your first reaction and consider these to be Big factors - would your response to his interest in computer games change? It's common for young teens to go into a kind of "cocoon" stage - does that idea help you feel better about the computer? If he was spending the same time daydreaming in his room, or reading in his room, or listening to music in his room, how would that be different?
>>Then he started playing computer games...What kinds of games? Computer games could mean anything from solitaire and hidden picture puzzles to World of Warcraft.
How long has he been playing? You said you got an xbox at the start of the year, and it's been since then? So less than six months, and you had limits before then, right? So he's doing something new And responding to prior limits - perfect setup for doing that thing for long periods of time, even without adding hormones into the mix.
>>theIf he's playing something like WoW and the game format is new to him, he's going to need to play it for a while and get a handle on all the details before creating his own seems feasible. Otherwise, it's like reading one's first Russian novel and thinking "I can't write one of those". And there's no need for him to even go in that direction, if it doesn't. There are lots of other things to be learned playing that sort of game.
> thought of trying to create one of those seems monumental to him and now
> the games creation has come to a halt
It's important to step back from the tendency to look at what a child is doing and think in terms of a future career. It's really not possible to guess the future that way and know which of a person's many interests - if any - will lead to paying work, and which will remain hobbies or fade into the past. My partner, for instance, used to be an avid train enthusiast and model builder. Now he makes electric guitars - the connection? er... nope, can't think of one other than a sort of general "making things and solving complex problems".
>>> We just feel like he has a glazed look when he gets off the computerI'm an upholsterer. I tend to have a glazed look when I finish a piece of furniture - it takes a lot of attention. I also tend to get annoyed easily if I'm reading - what? dinner? you stopped me in the middle of storming the wizard's castle for dinner?
Are you bringing him snacks? Offering him backrubs and other friendly, non-intrusive ways to connect? Watching him play and playing a little yourself so you can understand the appeal of the game (or at least the complexity of the game).
> It's affecting our family life. We used to go out a lot and over thisWhy can't you do things without him? Plan to go out and do things as a family and invite him along. If he has the option to go or not, chances are some of the time he'll go. Let him know the plans and offer to help him remember and plan his own time around them. If he's playing WoW, find out if there are scheduled raids and work around those as much as you can - at least check in with him about raids when making plans.
> year we have become almost home bound.
Once again, consider how things would be different if he didn't want to go out because he wanted to spend time by himself in his room, reading or listening to music or daydreaming (or painting... or writing poetry...).
>>> Due to the diabetes, and because we are letting him decide when he isCan you keep in touch via cell phone or skype? Can you bring a laptop along where you're going so he can have the option of playing his games And spend time with the family?
> ready to start giving himself medecine, he can't be left for too long.
Treat it as a logistics problem, not a good kid/bad kid problem - how can you help family members do what they want to do?
As your kids get older, your life Will change... and some of those changes will blindside you. That's okay. Try to see change as something to adapt to rather than a problem in and of itself.
---Meredith
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
What is he playing?
Does he only play or watch videos, research games, talk to friends??
I can pretty much point out all the good stuff he may be doing if you tell me what game he is playing!
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Does he only play or watch videos, research games, talk to friends??
I can pretty much point out all the good stuff he may be doing if you tell me what game he is playing!
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
fiesta110
He is playing Magic of Runes. He plays with a friend on the phone, and
on his own or with others who are online. He would like to play more
games with his brother but they have different tastes. I know they
would play more board games and trading card games if they had similar
interests.
I can hear all the strategizing, talk of percentages and statistics,
constant decisions being made, endless choices. He is emailing others
through the game. He does research games and explore how to create
games.
I fully believe there is a whole lot of learning going on. He also
plays Halo and many other games we have.
Magic of Runes, he says, has all the elements he loves in a game.
--- In [email protected], BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
<polykowholsteins@...> wrote:
on his own or with others who are online. He would like to play more
games with his brother but they have different tastes. I know they
would play more board games and trading card games if they had similar
interests.
I can hear all the strategizing, talk of percentages and statistics,
constant decisions being made, endless choices. He is emailing others
through the game. He does research games and explore how to create
games.
I fully believe there is a whole lot of learning going on. He also
plays Halo and many other games we have.
Magic of Runes, he says, has all the elements he loves in a game.
--- In [email protected], BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
<polykowholsteins@...> wrote:
>tell me what game he is playing!
> What is he playing?
> Does he only play or watch videos, research games, talk to friends??
> I can pretty much point out all the good stuff he may be doing if you
>
> Alex Polikowsky
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
fiesta110
Thank you Meredith for your thorough response!
I will consider all the good , practical points you made.
I do bring him snacks and ask questions about the game. He does tend to
play a game until he feels like he's gotten what he wants out of it and
then he moves on.
Right now he is really into Magic of Runes which he says has some of the
great elements of WOW but it's free! He's very frugal!
I will look into the cocoon phase that some teens may go through. We
are just wanting balance for him. But maybe that will come when he
feels like he has the freedom to explore what he truly loves without
limits!
Thanks,
Cordelia
--- In [email protected], "Meredith" <plaidpanties666@...>
wrote:
computer games change? It's common for young teens to go into a kind of
"cocoon" stage - does that idea help you feel better about the computer?
If he was spending the same time daydreaming in his room, or reading in
his room, or listening to music in his room, how would that be
different?
limits before then, right? So he's doing something new And responding to
prior limits - perfect setup for doing that thing for long periods of
time, even without adding hormones into the mix.
details before creating his own seems feasible. Otherwise, it's like
reading one's first Russian novel and thinking "I can't write one of
those". And there's no need for him to even go in that direction, if it
doesn't. There are lots of other things to be learned playing that sort
of game.
to guess the future that way and know which of a person's many interests
- if any - will lead to paying work, and which will remain hobbies or
fade into the past. My partner, for instance, used to be an avid train
enthusiast and model builder. Now he makes electric guitars - the
connection? er... nope, can't think of one other than a sort of general
"making things and solving complex problems".
easily if I'm reading - what? dinner? you stopped me in the middle of
storming the wizard's castle for dinner?
yourself so you can understand the appeal of the game (or at least the
complexity of the game).
are some of the time he'll go. Let him know the plans and offer to help
him remember and plan his own time around them. If he's playing WoW,
find out if there are scheduled raids and work around those as much as
you can - at least check in with him about raids when making plans.
reading or listening to music or daydreaming (or painting... or writing
poetry...).
And spend time with the family?
to adapt to rather than a problem in and of itself.
I will consider all the good , practical points you made.
I do bring him snacks and ask questions about the game. He does tend to
play a game until he feels like he's gotten what he wants out of it and
then he moves on.
Right now he is really into Magic of Runes which he says has some of the
great elements of WOW but it's free! He's very frugal!
I will look into the cocoon phase that some teens may go through. We
are just wanting balance for him. But maybe that will come when he
feels like he has the freedom to explore what he truly loves without
limits!
Thanks,
Cordelia
--- In [email protected], "Meredith" <plaidpanties666@...>
wrote:
>now
> "fiesta110" thoscor@ wrote:
> >> Here are a few other pieces to the puzzle. My son has diabetes and
> > he's entering teen years. So, how much of his moods are because ofdistinguish.
> > these factors and not because of the games is difficult to
> **************these to be Big factors - would your response to his interest in
>
> What if you were to step back from your first reaction and consider
computer games change? It's common for young teens to go into a kind of
"cocoon" stage - does that idea help you feel better about the computer?
If he was spending the same time daydreaming in his room, or reading in
his room, or listening to music in his room, how would that be
different?
>and hidden picture puzzles to World of Warcraft.
> >>Then he started playing computer games...
>
> What kinds of games? Computer games could mean anything from solitaire
>the year, and it's been since then? So less than six months, and you had
> How long has he been playing? You said you got an xbox at the start of
limits before then, right? So he's doing something new And responding to
prior limits - perfect setup for doing that thing for long periods of
time, even without adding hormones into the mix.
>now
> >>the
> > thought of trying to create one of those seems monumental to him and
> > the games creation has come to a halthe's going to need to play it for a while and get a handle on all the
>
> If he's playing something like WoW and the game format is new to him,
details before creating his own seems feasible. Otherwise, it's like
reading one's first Russian novel and thinking "I can't write one of
those". And there's no need for him to even go in that direction, if it
doesn't. There are lots of other things to be learned playing that sort
of game.
>is doing and think in terms of a future career. It's really not possible
> It's important to step back from the tendency to look at what a child
to guess the future that way and know which of a person's many interests
- if any - will lead to paying work, and which will remain hobbies or
fade into the past. My partner, for instance, used to be an avid train
enthusiast and model builder. Now he makes electric guitars - the
connection? er... nope, can't think of one other than a sort of general
"making things and solving complex problems".
>computer
> >>> We just feel like he has a glazed look when he gets off the
>of furniture - it takes a lot of attention. I also tend to get annoyed
> I'm an upholsterer. I tend to have a glazed look when I finish a piece
easily if I'm reading - what? dinner? you stopped me in the middle of
storming the wizard's castle for dinner?
>non-intrusive ways to connect? Watching him play and playing a little
> Are you bringing him snacks? Offering him backrubs and other friendly,
yourself so you can understand the appeal of the game (or at least the
complexity of the game).
>this
> > It's affecting our family life. We used to go out a lot and over
> > year we have become almost home bound.family and invite him along. If he has the option to go or not, chances
>
> Why can't you do things without him? Plan to go out and do things as a
are some of the time he'll go. Let him know the plans and offer to help
him remember and plan his own time around them. If he's playing WoW,
find out if there are scheduled raids and work around those as much as
you can - at least check in with him about raids when making plans.
>to go out because he wanted to spend time by himself in his room,
> Once again, consider how things would be different if he didn't want
reading or listening to music or daydreaming (or painting... or writing
poetry...).
>is
> >>> Due to the diabetes, and because we are letting him decide when he
> > ready to start giving himself medecine, he can't be left for toolong.
>along where you're going so he can have the option of playing his games
> Can you keep in touch via cell phone or skype? Can you bring a laptop
And spend time with the family?
>can you help family members do what they want to do?
> Treat it as a logistics problem, not a good kid/bad kid problem - how
>changes will blindside you. That's okay. Try to see change as something
> As your kids get older, your life Will change... and some of those
to adapt to rather than a problem in and of itself.
>
> ---Meredith
>
Meredith
"fiesta110" <thoscor@...> wrote:
One of the underlying issues is that children aren't expected to have passions - it's even seen as something indecent or undesirable. There's a lot of emphasis on creating a "well rounded" education for kids, but that doesn't really have anything to do with human nature or how people learn! Passion is an aspect of human nature that's tied directly into how we learn about the world. It's natural for people to dive in head first to learn. The educational goal of the well rounded curriculum is due to the fact that education is by nature narrower than natural learning.
In the course of natural learning, all sorts of tangential topics and ideas and skills become a part of what is learned - information swirls and eddies and makes unexpected connections. People who play multi-player games often learn a lot about social relationships, group dynamics, even things like economics and politics. Back when my stepson was playing Runescape on a daily basis, he learned a lot about commodities, currency exchange rates, and speculation from buying and selling within the context of the game.
It's like... I can lump my interests together and say "I'm a fiber artist" and that sounds like one thing. But if I break it down: I sew, quilt, design, knit, spin, cross-stitch, bead, upholster, make draperies, and can do four different kinds of resist dying. And with each one of those things I've developed all sorts of odd subsets of skill and knowledge and interest. That's what following one's passions does - it's not necessarily a "balanced" process. In fact, when my life looks more "balanced" with regard to fiber arts, I feel like I'm in some kind of slump!
---Meredith
>We are just wanting balance for him.It can help to think about why you want that For him and what you imagine it looks like. Sometimes life balances out over a longer term - when you have a new baby life isn't very balanced. A lot of time and energy and interest and attention is tied up in that new baby, but babies don't stay that intensive. Grown children take very little time and energy, so over a couple decades a sort of balance is achieved. It can help to think about a new passion as being like a new baby - it's going to be the center of the world for awhile, and that's not a bad thing.
One of the underlying issues is that children aren't expected to have passions - it's even seen as something indecent or undesirable. There's a lot of emphasis on creating a "well rounded" education for kids, but that doesn't really have anything to do with human nature or how people learn! Passion is an aspect of human nature that's tied directly into how we learn about the world. It's natural for people to dive in head first to learn. The educational goal of the well rounded curriculum is due to the fact that education is by nature narrower than natural learning.
In the course of natural learning, all sorts of tangential topics and ideas and skills become a part of what is learned - information swirls and eddies and makes unexpected connections. People who play multi-player games often learn a lot about social relationships, group dynamics, even things like economics and politics. Back when my stepson was playing Runescape on a daily basis, he learned a lot about commodities, currency exchange rates, and speculation from buying and selling within the context of the game.
>>He also plays Halo and many other games we have.Careful of this - you've lumped several things together and called them "computer games" as if they were all one thing. It helps a whooooole lot to see the variety in what he's doing, both in terms of seeing what he's doing more clearly and in terms of calming your sense of panic.
It's like... I can lump my interests together and say "I'm a fiber artist" and that sounds like one thing. But if I break it down: I sew, quilt, design, knit, spin, cross-stitch, bead, upholster, make draperies, and can do four different kinds of resist dying. And with each one of those things I've developed all sorts of odd subsets of skill and knowledge and interest. That's what following one's passions does - it's not necessarily a "balanced" process. In fact, when my life looks more "balanced" with regard to fiber arts, I feel like I'm in some kind of slump!
---Meredith
Joyce Fetteroll
On Jun 20, 2012, at 5:06 PM, fiesta110 wrote:
Think about someone balancing on a tightrope. They tilt too far one way then tilt too far the other way before they're able to feel when they're centered right for them.
But it you grab them to hold them in place, it's your balance, not theirs. And when you let go, they wobble all off balance because they haven't figured out what off and on balance feels like.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> We are just wanting balance for him.Can someone find balance for someone else?
Think about someone balancing on a tightrope. They tilt too far one way then tilt too far the other way before they're able to feel when they're centered right for them.
But it you grab them to hold them in place, it's your balance, not theirs. And when you let go, they wobble all off balance because they haven't figured out what off and on balance feels like.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
sheeboo2
I wanted to talk a bit about the way you hinged a large part of your concern on your son having type 1 diabetes. For full disclosure, our daughter was diagnosed this year, so you likely have far more experience than we do in that area; I debated replying to this thread all day because we're so new to diabetes, but we're not new to unschooling.
I decided to reply because I can say with confidence that our unschooling is not at all effected by the fact that our daughter's pancreas doesn't make it's own insulin.
When she was in the hospital, one of the doctors said, "Child first, diabetes second" when talking to us about food and activity choices. I think that's excellent advice. The other thing he said was, "If you'd have said yes before diabetes, then that yes shouldn't change."
Your son's condition comes with a whole host of constantly reoccurring daily annoyances that will remain with him either until he dies, or there is a cure. Don't make that burden heavier by using his bum pancreas as a reason to despair his choices. Diabetes sucks enough on its own without it also being used as a reason for mom freaking out.
Some practical ideas: Look into getting him a continuous blood glucose monitor (I just did a ton of research on the two brands available in the US. Feel free to email me off list if you'd like some of my favorite reviews/sources). That will give both of you the added security of low alarms when he's alone.
Get him a cell phone, or one for yourself so he can call you to help figure out his doses. Pre-measure foods for him before you leave and leave a list with carb counts so he can grab and dose accordingly without having to weigh and calculate. Does he pump? Two of the three pumps have food and custom indexes you can program, which would also give him added independence in dosing when you're out. If he's on multiple daily injections and isn't comfortable injecting on his own, check out the i-port. It would totally depend on his ability as to whether or not I'd be comfortable with him filling his own syringes--if you don't think he can do so safely, you could pre fill them for him, or use insulin pens.
As far as exercise, yea, it's important to move around. Chances are though, he already moves around more than most kids who sit in a classroom for 6-8 hours a day. Do you have a Wii? Trampoline? Place to swim? I think it's would also be helpful to realize that even if he's in a place where he's not excited to do lots of physical things *right now*, that doesn't mean he'll be like that forever. I would think that as he begins to assume more responsibility for his care, that he'll also find ways to give his body what it needs.
----The lack of activity is also extremely bad for him because of the diabetes.----
Are you saying that to him? If so, stop. The massive changes in diabetes care (for Type 1's) in the past 15 years means that it is very unlikely that he will ever suffer serious complications like loss of vision or kidney function. Don't forget that many of the 50 year old type 1's who've had the disease since they were children, only started tested their blood glucose more than once a day within the past 15 years. Background insulins are only about 10 years old! Let him be a kid. Don't add the weight of potential complications to his life, now. He could get hit by a bus tomorrow. A relatively sedentary year of his life does not condemn him to complications. Make moving around fun and attractive, but leave it at that. If you're shouldering the majority of his care, carb counting and insulin dosing, his A1C is probably respectable. Leave it at that, for now.
The hospital where our daughter was diagnosed and where we went through 'boot camp," conducted a huge long-term outcomes study a few years ago. What they found was the kids with the best outcomes through teen years and into adulthood were the ones whose (surprise surprise) families took on diabetes management as a team. The kids who fared the worst, had parents who either handed all responsibility over to the kids, as in "your disease, you take care of it" or the ones who controlled everything and made everything about diabetes. Those were the kids who became teens who would lie about food, dosing, blood glucose readings or who would pretend they just didn't have diabetes anymore and stop using insulin.
Whatever you do, don't let his lack of beta cells be a reason not to unschool. I promise, unschooling makes the crappiness of diabetes a whole lot less crappy. Like everything else, be his partner, not his advisory: http://sandradodd.com/partners/child
Brie
I decided to reply because I can say with confidence that our unschooling is not at all effected by the fact that our daughter's pancreas doesn't make it's own insulin.
When she was in the hospital, one of the doctors said, "Child first, diabetes second" when talking to us about food and activity choices. I think that's excellent advice. The other thing he said was, "If you'd have said yes before diabetes, then that yes shouldn't change."
Your son's condition comes with a whole host of constantly reoccurring daily annoyances that will remain with him either until he dies, or there is a cure. Don't make that burden heavier by using his bum pancreas as a reason to despair his choices. Diabetes sucks enough on its own without it also being used as a reason for mom freaking out.
Some practical ideas: Look into getting him a continuous blood glucose monitor (I just did a ton of research on the two brands available in the US. Feel free to email me off list if you'd like some of my favorite reviews/sources). That will give both of you the added security of low alarms when he's alone.
Get him a cell phone, or one for yourself so he can call you to help figure out his doses. Pre-measure foods for him before you leave and leave a list with carb counts so he can grab and dose accordingly without having to weigh and calculate. Does he pump? Two of the three pumps have food and custom indexes you can program, which would also give him added independence in dosing when you're out. If he's on multiple daily injections and isn't comfortable injecting on his own, check out the i-port. It would totally depend on his ability as to whether or not I'd be comfortable with him filling his own syringes--if you don't think he can do so safely, you could pre fill them for him, or use insulin pens.
As far as exercise, yea, it's important to move around. Chances are though, he already moves around more than most kids who sit in a classroom for 6-8 hours a day. Do you have a Wii? Trampoline? Place to swim? I think it's would also be helpful to realize that even if he's in a place where he's not excited to do lots of physical things *right now*, that doesn't mean he'll be like that forever. I would think that as he begins to assume more responsibility for his care, that he'll also find ways to give his body what it needs.
----The lack of activity is also extremely bad for him because of the diabetes.----
Are you saying that to him? If so, stop. The massive changes in diabetes care (for Type 1's) in the past 15 years means that it is very unlikely that he will ever suffer serious complications like loss of vision or kidney function. Don't forget that many of the 50 year old type 1's who've had the disease since they were children, only started tested their blood glucose more than once a day within the past 15 years. Background insulins are only about 10 years old! Let him be a kid. Don't add the weight of potential complications to his life, now. He could get hit by a bus tomorrow. A relatively sedentary year of his life does not condemn him to complications. Make moving around fun and attractive, but leave it at that. If you're shouldering the majority of his care, carb counting and insulin dosing, his A1C is probably respectable. Leave it at that, for now.
The hospital where our daughter was diagnosed and where we went through 'boot camp," conducted a huge long-term outcomes study a few years ago. What they found was the kids with the best outcomes through teen years and into adulthood were the ones whose (surprise surprise) families took on diabetes management as a team. The kids who fared the worst, had parents who either handed all responsibility over to the kids, as in "your disease, you take care of it" or the ones who controlled everything and made everything about diabetes. Those were the kids who became teens who would lie about food, dosing, blood glucose readings or who would pretend they just didn't have diabetes anymore and stop using insulin.
Whatever you do, don't let his lack of beta cells be a reason not to unschool. I promise, unschooling makes the crappiness of diabetes a whole lot less crappy. Like everything else, be his partner, not his advisory: http://sandradodd.com/partners/child
Brie
Sandra Dodd
-=-Magic of Runes, he says, has all the elements he loves in a game.-=-
My 23 year old son, Marty, wrote this the other day on facebook:
"Fallout: New Vegas has given me the most joy of any game i have ever played"
There are people who love books, or playing guitar or piano.
They are rarely criticized or panicked about.
they also find joy. They are also not producing food, clothing or shelter. They are losing themselves in an experience that moves their minds and (if they're lucky) their souls.
When I was a kid I used books for escape, and sometimes piano for escape, and sometimes playing guitar or listening to recorded music. Because those were all familiar to people, and because piano and reading were "respectable" and prized, my hobbies were virtuous.
A kid with a happy homelife isn't escaping. He's living. :-)
-=- He would like to play more
games with his brother but they have different tastes. I know they
would play more board games and trading card games if they had similar
interests.-=-
Brothers have no obligation to be each others' playmates at any age.
Is there anyone else in the house who could play games with his brother? :-) Can you invite another person over to play with the brother?
Tastes change, and other games come along, too. Whether they're playing together or not, that will change again someday for some reason, in my experience.
Sandra
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My 23 year old son, Marty, wrote this the other day on facebook:
"Fallout: New Vegas has given me the most joy of any game i have ever played"
There are people who love books, or playing guitar or piano.
They are rarely criticized or panicked about.
they also find joy. They are also not producing food, clothing or shelter. They are losing themselves in an experience that moves their minds and (if they're lucky) their souls.
When I was a kid I used books for escape, and sometimes piano for escape, and sometimes playing guitar or listening to recorded music. Because those were all familiar to people, and because piano and reading were "respectable" and prized, my hobbies were virtuous.
A kid with a happy homelife isn't escaping. He's living. :-)
-=- He would like to play more
games with his brother but they have different tastes. I know they
would play more board games and trading card games if they had similar
interests.-=-
Brothers have no obligation to be each others' playmates at any age.
Is there anyone else in the house who could play games with his brother? :-) Can you invite another person over to play with the brother?
Tastes change, and other games come along, too. Whether they're playing together or not, that will change again someday for some reason, in my experience.
Sandra
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Sandra Dodd
Like everything else, be his partner, not his **adversary**: http://sandradodd.com/partners/child
(I think that's what Brie meant to type.)
Sandra
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(I think that's what Brie meant to type.)
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-One of the underlying issues is that children aren't expected to have passions - it's even seen as something indecent or undesirable. There's a lot of emphasis on creating a "well rounded" education for kids, but that doesn't really have anything to do with human nature or how people learn! -=-
Yes. Having someone else manage one's life and time and "interests" doesn't created a well-rounded person as much as their having real, deep, personal interests.
http://sandradodd.com/focus
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Yes. Having someone else manage one's life and time and "interests" doesn't created a well-rounded person as much as their having real, deep, personal interests.
http://sandradodd.com/focus
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Jun 20, 2012, at 8:48 AM, fiesta110 wrote:
No one here intends to be harsh. But sometimes mirrors are more truthful than we want to deal with so what they show *feels* harsh. But asking the mirror to only show what a person wants to change doesn't help them or the next person who uses the mirror.
And part of what this list does is act exactly like a mirror. Responders reflect back what they see in someone's words: what they say, how they say it, what they don't say. People expose their fat rolls without even realizing it. ;-) And the intent is to reflect it back to everyone who is reading and trying to grow their understanding by what's reflected, not just the original poster.
If your goal is to not block your son, to support him in exploring what intrigues him about the world, you *want* to see what *he* sees in how you're reacting to him, which thoughtful, analytical willing strangers can see better than you. Often what someone else sees is so far from our intent that it makes us defensive and angry.
If your goal is to protect who you imagine yourself to be it's best to avoid mirrors and this list. If you want to change to help him, this is is an awesome place to get objective feedback on what might be getting in the way of your unschooling goals. :-)
But if you focus on his choice as being the cause rather than his solution to something else that's going on, it will make it harder for you to support him in exploring other solutions.
First he's 12. That's a *very* typical age for kids to be drawn to computers, video games and tween shows on TV. It's a transition period between kids interests and more social interests and those match what they're exploring. They're gearing up for a big growth spurt so they do tend to chunk up. (Hang out at a middle school -- without being creepy ;-) -- and see all the chunky kids.)
Second, games empower kids to tackle hugely challenging problems they can't in real life. It's hard for someone who doesn't play to get what's going on. From the outside it looks like they're addicted. But from the inside it is exactly like tackling a fascinating multi-faceted problem *and* -- importantly! -- having the power to solve it. Kids *want* to tackle big problems just as much as adults do. But the problem is they don't have the power to do so. They aren't taken seriously. They're deliberately hobbled to protect them. Games give them the problems and the power to solve them.
Third, games are *hugely* involving puzzles. That means it's hard to tear yourself away to do boring things like eating. ;-) And going to the bathroom. At 12 he can probably do that better than a 6 yo, but still he'll wait until he can't stand it any more. And with eating he's more likely to grab what ever is quickest. You can make it easier by bringing him food and making nutritiously dense food that he enjoys easy to grab.
By being sensitive to how important the games are to him, how empowering they are, that can help you find ways for him to play AND do other things. (Which Meredith had some good ideas for! :-)
Joyce
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> This is my first real post, please be gentle!Change rarely feels gentle. The harsher it *feels* indicates how far you are from where you'd like to be.
No one here intends to be harsh. But sometimes mirrors are more truthful than we want to deal with so what they show *feels* harsh. But asking the mirror to only show what a person wants to change doesn't help them or the next person who uses the mirror.
And part of what this list does is act exactly like a mirror. Responders reflect back what they see in someone's words: what they say, how they say it, what they don't say. People expose their fat rolls without even realizing it. ;-) And the intent is to reflect it back to everyone who is reading and trying to grow their understanding by what's reflected, not just the original poster.
If your goal is to not block your son, to support him in exploring what intrigues him about the world, you *want* to see what *he* sees in how you're reacting to him, which thoughtful, analytical willing strangers can see better than you. Often what someone else sees is so far from our intent that it makes us defensive and angry.
If your goal is to protect who you imagine yourself to be it's best to avoid mirrors and this list. If you want to change to help him, this is is an awesome place to get objective feedback on what might be getting in the way of your unschooling goals. :-)
> It's been an extremely stressful time as we've watchedAll of those are good warning signs that something is wrong and they're good to be alert for.
> our son who used to be the active, creative, energetic, joyful kid
> become sullen, sedentary, angry.
But if you focus on his choice as being the cause rather than his solution to something else that's going on, it will make it harder for you to support him in exploring other solutions.
First he's 12. That's a *very* typical age for kids to be drawn to computers, video games and tween shows on TV. It's a transition period between kids interests and more social interests and those match what they're exploring. They're gearing up for a big growth spurt so they do tend to chunk up. (Hang out at a middle school -- without being creepy ;-) -- and see all the chunky kids.)
Second, games empower kids to tackle hugely challenging problems they can't in real life. It's hard for someone who doesn't play to get what's going on. From the outside it looks like they're addicted. But from the inside it is exactly like tackling a fascinating multi-faceted problem *and* -- importantly! -- having the power to solve it. Kids *want* to tackle big problems just as much as adults do. But the problem is they don't have the power to do so. They aren't taken seriously. They're deliberately hobbled to protect them. Games give them the problems and the power to solve them.
Third, games are *hugely* involving puzzles. That means it's hard to tear yourself away to do boring things like eating. ;-) And going to the bathroom. At 12 he can probably do that better than a 6 yo, but still he'll wait until he can't stand it any more. And with eating he's more likely to grab what ever is quickest. You can make it easier by bringing him food and making nutritiously dense food that he enjoys easy to grab.
By being sensitive to how important the games are to him, how empowering they are, that can help you find ways for him to play AND do other things. (Which Meredith had some good ideas for! :-)
Joyce
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Kimberly Sims
~I will look into the cocoon phase that some teens may go through. We
are just wanting balance for him. But maybe that will come when he
feels like he has the freedom to explore what he truly loves without
limits!"~
My 11 (going on 12) year old daughter is going through this "cocoon" stage right
now. Because of being so connected to her I could see it for what it is. My gosh
I remember what it was like to be her age and my body changing. I was the first
to go through puberty in my class and had suffered terrible embarrassment. My
parents just down right stunk, reading the unconditional thread about some
parents love not naturally kicking in pretty much describes my parents. What a
terrible time it was to be me at that age. BUT that is not how it is with my
children! My daughter wants to stay home right now and why not? It makes her
*happy* and I like making my children happy. We are learning how to get *our*
balance that works best for her not *us*. Yes, once your child is *happy*doing
what it is he loves you will be able to see he always had balance.
Kim
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
are just wanting balance for him. But maybe that will come when he
feels like he has the freedom to explore what he truly loves without
limits!"~
My 11 (going on 12) year old daughter is going through this "cocoon" stage right
now. Because of being so connected to her I could see it for what it is. My gosh
I remember what it was like to be her age and my body changing. I was the first
to go through puberty in my class and had suffered terrible embarrassment. My
parents just down right stunk, reading the unconditional thread about some
parents love not naturally kicking in pretty much describes my parents. What a
terrible time it was to be me at that age. BUT that is not how it is with my
children! My daughter wants to stay home right now and why not? It makes her
*happy* and I like making my children happy. We are learning how to get *our*
balance that works best for her not *us*. Yes, once your child is *happy*doing
what it is he loves you will be able to see he always had balance.
Kim
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jenny Cyphers
***I will look into the cocoon phase that some teens may go through.***
I haven't met a teen yet that hasn't gone through this. I don't think it is "some", I think it is all. It simply looks different for different kids.
***We are just wanting balance for him.***
What if he feels balanced already? What if it is only your definition of balance that is keeping you from seeing that he's balanced.
***But maybe that will come when he feels like he has the freedom to explore what he truly loves without
limits!***
He will certainly feel more peaceful and so will you. Keep in mind that what you are looking for from him may never ever come. Some people are so passionate about something that it consumes their entire life. It's not a bad thing to be passionate and good at something and want to do that in exclusion to other things.
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I haven't met a teen yet that hasn't gone through this. I don't think it is "some", I think it is all. It simply looks different for different kids.
***We are just wanting balance for him.***
What if he feels balanced already? What if it is only your definition of balance that is keeping you from seeing that he's balanced.
***But maybe that will come when he feels like he has the freedom to explore what he truly loves without
limits!***
He will certainly feel more peaceful and so will you. Keep in mind that what you are looking for from him may never ever come. Some people are so passionate about something that it consumes their entire life. It's not a bad thing to be passionate and good at something and want to do that in exclusion to other things.
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Jenny Cyphers
***He would like to play more games with his brother but they have different tastes. I know they would play more board games and trading card games if they had similar interests.***
Why are you pushing for some idealized childhood play between siblings? What you have are 2 kids that used to play a lot together and now they don't as much. It's normal. There will come a day when they will interact more, but for now, what you have is one kid who prefers board games and trading card games and another who prefers online games.
Over the next couple of years it will be your job to find common ground and do things together that each kid will enjoy. My kids are 7 yrs apart, my job was way more difficult than yours will be! I did it though. We watched movies, went to malls, went ice skating, went on bike rides, but the real key was, NOT ALL THE TIME.
If the younger kid needs a partner to play his games, then YOU be that person. Don't be sad that the older brother isn't stepping in to fill that role, YOU step in and fill it.
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Why are you pushing for some idealized childhood play between siblings? What you have are 2 kids that used to play a lot together and now they don't as much. It's normal. There will come a day when they will interact more, but for now, what you have is one kid who prefers board games and trading card games and another who prefers online games.
Over the next couple of years it will be your job to find common ground and do things together that each kid will enjoy. My kids are 7 yrs apart, my job was way more difficult than yours will be! I did it though. We watched movies, went to malls, went ice skating, went on bike rides, but the real key was, NOT ALL THE TIME.
If the younger kid needs a partner to play his games, then YOU be that person. Don't be sad that the older brother isn't stepping in to fill that role, YOU step in and fill it.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-I will look into the cocoon phase that some teens may go through.-=-
More than once, and not only as teens.
It happens to me, still, and I'm in my 50's. It's a time of stillness, of resting/anticipating/recovery or something. It can be weeks long and then comes a burst of thought, activity, ideas, productivity. No one else can manage or even needs to recognize it. They only need to not try to manage or shame me if I'm in or out of flurry-of-activity mode.
-=-We are just wanting balance for him.-=-
Beware the word "just."
It seems to have no real meaning, but it can be an indicator of attitude.
-=-But maybe that will come when he
feels like he has the freedom to explore what he truly loves without
limits!"-=-
"Truly loves" and "without limits" are both problematical. Let the limits be natural, and not parentally-imposed. Let him explore anything, and everything, for ten seconds or ten years, without deciding from the outside "what he truly loves." People learn from things they have only a passing curiosity about and also about things they deeply love.
Sandra
More than once, and not only as teens.
It happens to me, still, and I'm in my 50's. It's a time of stillness, of resting/anticipating/recovery or something. It can be weeks long and then comes a burst of thought, activity, ideas, productivity. No one else can manage or even needs to recognize it. They only need to not try to manage or shame me if I'm in or out of flurry-of-activity mode.
-=-We are just wanting balance for him.-=-
Beware the word "just."
It seems to have no real meaning, but it can be an indicator of attitude.
-=-But maybe that will come when he
feels like he has the freedom to explore what he truly loves without
limits!"-=-
"Truly loves" and "without limits" are both problematical. Let the limits be natural, and not parentally-imposed. Let him explore anything, and everything, for ten seconds or ten years, without deciding from the outside "what he truly loves." People learn from things they have only a passing curiosity about and also about things they deeply love.
Sandra