Baffled by new, raw, angry outbursts...UGH! This is HARD!
teresa
I just stepped away from my son Woody, who's 6 1/2, after a good half-hour of cuddling on the couch, which we both desperately needed. Yee-ow! Was it a tough couple of hours before that! I'm baffled, and I'd love some fresh eyes on our situation and any help seeing what could make it better.
We made waffles together this morning for breakfast. It was terrific. Woody read out the recipe to us and we each took jobs. Everybody ate their fill and then some, happily.
For the rest of the morning, we (Woody, me, and my other son, who's 3 1/2) played puppets and dress up, with the 6 1/2 year old bouncing between playing with us and playing on the computer. He was a little annoyed when, he said, I "wasn't paying attention." It seemed to me that he liked it best when I was directing the play, telling the story, giving characters their lines, etc., but my younger son likes to do some of that, too, so I was trying to step back and let the play unfold between them, also. I'd characterize the morning of playing as fun with a few moments that were tense.
Lunch, again, was good. He paused his computer game for green salad with boiled eggs.
After lunch, we were supposed to bring an historic re-enactment costume up to my husband at work. (He needs it for an engagement this evening, but walks to work, and so didn't want to carry it.) We were also going to bring him up a lunch. Woody didn't want to get off the computer to go. We tried to problem solve a bit, talking about how much time he'd need to finish up, whether the game could be paused or minimized, etc. But there was a kind of manic energy there, and he started to get angry talking about it. Then, as we were talking, he quit the one game and started a new game, one that didn't have a pause feature, and got really ugly about us all staying home. He said he would hit me, slam the door on me, etc.--threats--if I tried to stop him from playing.
This is my first point of bafflement. I was right there with him, offering short, simple solutions and lots of leeway (it's not like we had to leave that second to bring my husband up his things), and yet, there was still this angry pushback. Pushback against what, I wondered? I was surprised he was feeling so much resistance to what seemed, to me, like a pretty low-pressure, solution-based conversation, which is the norm for us.
We did end up leaving--he found the pause feature after all, or maybe he started a new game that had a pause--which, like magic, evaporated all his anger. He was totally fine getting in the car then. But in the car, he and his brother started playing punchbuggy, and he got angry again. His brother, being 3 1/2, doesn't really understand the game and so calls out punchbuggies randomly. This infuriates Woody. We've talked about the differences between 3 1/2 and 6 1/2, but in the moment, it's hard for him to see it. The game, overall, has becoming hard for us because if anyone else gets a point ahead of Woody, he wants to negate their sighting and frustration builds. After a moment of them going back and forth about cheating or not, Woody started hitting his brother across the car.
I know this is typical for some kids, but it's not for mine. He doesn't usually act like this toward his brother. I pulled in to where we were meeting my husband, and while we were getting the transfer sorted out, the little one fell asleep. Still, Woody was angry. After my husband left, I asked him if he wanted to just come sit in the front seat and hang out, maybe listen to some music. He did. He sat with me for a few minutes, then he spotted my crochet basket. He asked if he could do some crochet, and I said sure, so we did that for a while, sweetly.
There were a couple of more incidents of ebbs and flows, later this afternoon and over the last couple of days, but I think this gives a pretty good snapshot.
He describes what's happening like this: "I get angry about X, and then I feel this really big energy, and I yell/punch/kick."
This behavior is So Big and So Atypical that I'm suspecting it's some sort of growing pains or developmental phase or some other such thing that is governed by changing chemistry. Very little else in our life has changed recently, and I'd describe the month leading up to this as pretty darn smooth. But he had a stage like this around 4, too, also triggered by transitions and challenges (such as the win/lose idea of playing games). It's resistance turns into anger turns into big anger and threats and then physical reactions.
So, what do you think? And what helps? I am finding that strong, physical affection is well received--holding him in a tight hug, scooping him up like a baby in my lap and holding him close, filling him up with cuddle time even before he gets out of bed in the morning. But, in the moment, it feels like walking on firecrackers. I'd like to be more effective and graceful at helping him through this.
Thanks for reading, and for any insight.
Teresa
We made waffles together this morning for breakfast. It was terrific. Woody read out the recipe to us and we each took jobs. Everybody ate their fill and then some, happily.
For the rest of the morning, we (Woody, me, and my other son, who's 3 1/2) played puppets and dress up, with the 6 1/2 year old bouncing between playing with us and playing on the computer. He was a little annoyed when, he said, I "wasn't paying attention." It seemed to me that he liked it best when I was directing the play, telling the story, giving characters their lines, etc., but my younger son likes to do some of that, too, so I was trying to step back and let the play unfold between them, also. I'd characterize the morning of playing as fun with a few moments that were tense.
Lunch, again, was good. He paused his computer game for green salad with boiled eggs.
After lunch, we were supposed to bring an historic re-enactment costume up to my husband at work. (He needs it for an engagement this evening, but walks to work, and so didn't want to carry it.) We were also going to bring him up a lunch. Woody didn't want to get off the computer to go. We tried to problem solve a bit, talking about how much time he'd need to finish up, whether the game could be paused or minimized, etc. But there was a kind of manic energy there, and he started to get angry talking about it. Then, as we were talking, he quit the one game and started a new game, one that didn't have a pause feature, and got really ugly about us all staying home. He said he would hit me, slam the door on me, etc.--threats--if I tried to stop him from playing.
This is my first point of bafflement. I was right there with him, offering short, simple solutions and lots of leeway (it's not like we had to leave that second to bring my husband up his things), and yet, there was still this angry pushback. Pushback against what, I wondered? I was surprised he was feeling so much resistance to what seemed, to me, like a pretty low-pressure, solution-based conversation, which is the norm for us.
We did end up leaving--he found the pause feature after all, or maybe he started a new game that had a pause--which, like magic, evaporated all his anger. He was totally fine getting in the car then. But in the car, he and his brother started playing punchbuggy, and he got angry again. His brother, being 3 1/2, doesn't really understand the game and so calls out punchbuggies randomly. This infuriates Woody. We've talked about the differences between 3 1/2 and 6 1/2, but in the moment, it's hard for him to see it. The game, overall, has becoming hard for us because if anyone else gets a point ahead of Woody, he wants to negate their sighting and frustration builds. After a moment of them going back and forth about cheating or not, Woody started hitting his brother across the car.
I know this is typical for some kids, but it's not for mine. He doesn't usually act like this toward his brother. I pulled in to where we were meeting my husband, and while we were getting the transfer sorted out, the little one fell asleep. Still, Woody was angry. After my husband left, I asked him if he wanted to just come sit in the front seat and hang out, maybe listen to some music. He did. He sat with me for a few minutes, then he spotted my crochet basket. He asked if he could do some crochet, and I said sure, so we did that for a while, sweetly.
There were a couple of more incidents of ebbs and flows, later this afternoon and over the last couple of days, but I think this gives a pretty good snapshot.
He describes what's happening like this: "I get angry about X, and then I feel this really big energy, and I yell/punch/kick."
This behavior is So Big and So Atypical that I'm suspecting it's some sort of growing pains or developmental phase or some other such thing that is governed by changing chemistry. Very little else in our life has changed recently, and I'd describe the month leading up to this as pretty darn smooth. But he had a stage like this around 4, too, also triggered by transitions and challenges (such as the win/lose idea of playing games). It's resistance turns into anger turns into big anger and threats and then physical reactions.
So, what do you think? And what helps? I am finding that strong, physical affection is well received--holding him in a tight hug, scooping him up like a baby in my lap and holding him close, filling him up with cuddle time even before he gets out of bed in the morning. But, in the moment, it feels like walking on firecrackers. I'd like to be more effective and graceful at helping him through this.
Thanks for reading, and for any insight.
Teresa
Sandra Dodd
First point:
-=-Baffled by new, raw, angry outbursts...UGH! This is HARD!-=-
It would be hard even if he was in school.
-=-We were also going to bring him up a lunch. Woody didn't want to get off the computer to go. We tried to problem solve a bit, talking about how much time he'd need to finish up, whether the game could be paused or minimized, etc. But there was a kind of manic energy there, and he started to get angry talking about it. Then, as we were talking, he quit the one game and started a new game, one that didn't have a pause feature, and got really ugly about us all staying home. He said he would hit me, slam the door on me, etc.--threats--if I tried to stop him from playing.-=-
I wish I could have heard the tone of voice you used to "problem solve." I wouldn't have thought it a problem solving moment. You had agreed to take food to someone, and it was time to go, and his game could have paused.
If he was getting angry talking about it, and there was manic energy, I'm guessing (and I could be wrong) that the way you were talking to him was building something up.
-=-This is my first point of bafflement. I was right there with him, offering short, simple solutions and lots of leeway (it's not like we had to leave that second to bring my husband up his things), -=-
I think for me the first point of bafflement would've been earlier on.
Maybe instead of him getting on the computer, you could have asked him to help put the outfit and lunch in the car, and then you could've shown up outside while he was already out there, and going would've been smooth.
I think of things like that like this sometimes: When we lived in a small house, and had company or there was a party, I would move the kids from place to place with a game or food. Half an hour or so in one room, while I was setting up (or someone was) the food or new game or water play or whatever, in another place (room, yard, patio). Then I would call them toward that, instead of shooing them from where they were. Going toward something cool and new is fun. Being told to stop what you're doing is not fun.
Maybe you could add a stop to the outing next time so he'll be going toward something. But in any case, if the game can be paused, he should pause it at the next stopping place. And that is a problem solved.
-=-We did end up leaving--he found the pause feature after all, or maybe he started a new game that had a pause--which, like magic, evaporated all his anger. -=-
If he started a third game... well I hope not. I hope he found the pause feature. Maybe next time he's playing that game, you could casually ask him, "So how does this one pause?"
-=-But in the car, he and his brother started playing punchbuggy, and he got angry again. His brother, being 3 1/2, doesn't really understand the game and so calls out punchbuggies randomly. This infuriates Woody. We've talked about the differences between 3 1/2 and 6 1/2, but in the moment, it's hard for him to see it.-=-
Too much talk, I think. Just say "Either play the way he wants to play, or don't play."
Find something else to distract them. Put music on they like, or a storytelling CD or something.
-=- The game, overall, has becoming hard for us because if anyone else gets a point ahead of Woody, he wants to negate their sighting and frustration builds. After a moment of them going back and forth about cheating or not, Woody started hitting his brother across the car.-=-
He's no more capable of understanding what you're saying than his brother is of understanding Woody's rules. It's better to stop before the hitting starts, and if he was just lately, at the house, threatening destruction and violence, it was probably too soon for any game involving physical contact of any sort.
-=-He describes what's happening like this: "I get angry about X, and then I feel this really big energy, and I yell/punch/kick."
-=-This behavior is So Big and So Atypical that I'm suspecting it's some sort of growing pains or developmental phase or some other such thing that is governed by changing chemistry. -=-
Intellectual development, or physical development not yet matched by verbal ability, or ability to visualize what he's not yet physically able to do. Please don't think of it as "changing chemistry." There's a world of nonsense around us about biochemical imbalances and conditions and allergies. Think of it as him learning how to be. He's not a victim of random chemistry. He is himself.
Coach him to breathe. Not too many words, but talk about how slow deep breaths can reboot people, can calm them down, can start them back at a good starting place.
-=-But, in the moment, it feels like walking on firecrackers. I'd like to be more effective and graceful at helping him through this.-=-
Go back and forth among your best ideas, trying what works, and I think babying him is great, when there's a younger child. But if he's getting threatening, it's okay for you to stop him with a sharp word, to protect yourself, his brother, or just the peace of the house. And when you prevent him from acting on his "big anger," you're saving him from bad decisions, too (and possibly from breaking things. It's not a time to "problem solve" when he's threatening to break things or to hit you. Try thinking back a few steps from that--what could have changed five or ten minutes earlier?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
-=-Baffled by new, raw, angry outbursts...UGH! This is HARD!-=-
It would be hard even if he was in school.
-=-We were also going to bring him up a lunch. Woody didn't want to get off the computer to go. We tried to problem solve a bit, talking about how much time he'd need to finish up, whether the game could be paused or minimized, etc. But there was a kind of manic energy there, and he started to get angry talking about it. Then, as we were talking, he quit the one game and started a new game, one that didn't have a pause feature, and got really ugly about us all staying home. He said he would hit me, slam the door on me, etc.--threats--if I tried to stop him from playing.-=-
I wish I could have heard the tone of voice you used to "problem solve." I wouldn't have thought it a problem solving moment. You had agreed to take food to someone, and it was time to go, and his game could have paused.
If he was getting angry talking about it, and there was manic energy, I'm guessing (and I could be wrong) that the way you were talking to him was building something up.
-=-This is my first point of bafflement. I was right there with him, offering short, simple solutions and lots of leeway (it's not like we had to leave that second to bring my husband up his things), -=-
I think for me the first point of bafflement would've been earlier on.
Maybe instead of him getting on the computer, you could have asked him to help put the outfit and lunch in the car, and then you could've shown up outside while he was already out there, and going would've been smooth.
I think of things like that like this sometimes: When we lived in a small house, and had company or there was a party, I would move the kids from place to place with a game or food. Half an hour or so in one room, while I was setting up (or someone was) the food or new game or water play or whatever, in another place (room, yard, patio). Then I would call them toward that, instead of shooing them from where they were. Going toward something cool and new is fun. Being told to stop what you're doing is not fun.
Maybe you could add a stop to the outing next time so he'll be going toward something. But in any case, if the game can be paused, he should pause it at the next stopping place. And that is a problem solved.
-=-We did end up leaving--he found the pause feature after all, or maybe he started a new game that had a pause--which, like magic, evaporated all his anger. -=-
If he started a third game... well I hope not. I hope he found the pause feature. Maybe next time he's playing that game, you could casually ask him, "So how does this one pause?"
-=-But in the car, he and his brother started playing punchbuggy, and he got angry again. His brother, being 3 1/2, doesn't really understand the game and so calls out punchbuggies randomly. This infuriates Woody. We've talked about the differences between 3 1/2 and 6 1/2, but in the moment, it's hard for him to see it.-=-
Too much talk, I think. Just say "Either play the way he wants to play, or don't play."
Find something else to distract them. Put music on they like, or a storytelling CD or something.
-=- The game, overall, has becoming hard for us because if anyone else gets a point ahead of Woody, he wants to negate their sighting and frustration builds. After a moment of them going back and forth about cheating or not, Woody started hitting his brother across the car.-=-
He's no more capable of understanding what you're saying than his brother is of understanding Woody's rules. It's better to stop before the hitting starts, and if he was just lately, at the house, threatening destruction and violence, it was probably too soon for any game involving physical contact of any sort.
-=-He describes what's happening like this: "I get angry about X, and then I feel this really big energy, and I yell/punch/kick."
-=-This behavior is So Big and So Atypical that I'm suspecting it's some sort of growing pains or developmental phase or some other such thing that is governed by changing chemistry. -=-
Intellectual development, or physical development not yet matched by verbal ability, or ability to visualize what he's not yet physically able to do. Please don't think of it as "changing chemistry." There's a world of nonsense around us about biochemical imbalances and conditions and allergies. Think of it as him learning how to be. He's not a victim of random chemistry. He is himself.
Coach him to breathe. Not too many words, but talk about how slow deep breaths can reboot people, can calm them down, can start them back at a good starting place.
-=-But, in the moment, it feels like walking on firecrackers. I'd like to be more effective and graceful at helping him through this.-=-
Go back and forth among your best ideas, trying what works, and I think babying him is great, when there's a younger child. But if he's getting threatening, it's okay for you to stop him with a sharp word, to protect yourself, his brother, or just the peace of the house. And when you prevent him from acting on his "big anger," you're saving him from bad decisions, too (and possibly from breaking things. It's not a time to "problem solve" when he's threatening to break things or to hit you. Try thinking back a few steps from that--what could have changed five or ten minutes earlier?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
"teresa" <treesock@...> wrote:
You weren't offering any solutions he wanted, though, which to him could have felt like you were blathering and pushing, trying to get him to agree to one of a set of non-choices. How frustrating for him! In a situation like that, it's sometimes better not to offer Any of those solutions - or to see pretty quickly that he's not interested in that kind of problem solving and step back and look for other options yourself.
My daughter doesn't like a lot of discussion. The kind of problem solving you described would have her shutting down pretty quickly, so if I offer a couple things and they're rejected, I back off and re-think the situation, try to come at the whole question from another direction.
In terms of getting out of the house or other transitions, sometimes Lots of warning can be more stressful than "okay, get you're shoes on, time to go!"
---Meredith
>> This is my first point of bafflement. I was right there with him, offering short, simple solutions and lots of leeway***************
You weren't offering any solutions he wanted, though, which to him could have felt like you were blathering and pushing, trying to get him to agree to one of a set of non-choices. How frustrating for him! In a situation like that, it's sometimes better not to offer Any of those solutions - or to see pretty quickly that he's not interested in that kind of problem solving and step back and look for other options yourself.
My daughter doesn't like a lot of discussion. The kind of problem solving you described would have her shutting down pretty quickly, so if I offer a couple things and they're rejected, I back off and re-think the situation, try to come at the whole question from another direction.
In terms of getting out of the house or other transitions, sometimes Lots of warning can be more stressful than "okay, get you're shoes on, time to go!"
>> in the moment, it feels like walking on firecrackersWork on trying to change something Other than your son and his feelings in the moment. Back down, distract the other child, give your older kid a chance to take a few breaths. If he's getting upset and you're trying to "problem solve" him, that can feel really invasive and amp up his frustration - so try to change things around him, instead and give him an chance to find his equilibrium again.
---Meredith
Pam Sorooshian
On Thu, Apr 12, 2012 at 4:21 PM, Meredith <plaidpanties666@...> wrote:
what the trip might entail, "I promised Daddy, so we really do need to go.
What could we do to make it more fun for you?"
IF he hasn't dug in his heels, yet, an open-ended question about how to
make the trip more palatable for him can help him shift gears as he starts
thinking about what he might want to do on the way or while you're out. IF
you ask this kind of thing earlier in the day, he can be looking forward to
it and glad to go when it is time. Start including him when making your
plans for the day. What if you'd said to him that morning, "Daddy doesn't
want to carry his costume to work, so I was thinking we'd drive it over to
him later. Maybe we could do something else while we're out. What do you
think?"
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Work on trying to change something Other than your son and his feelings inSometimes it is better to be clear you are going, but open-ended about
> the moment.
what the trip might entail, "I promised Daddy, so we really do need to go.
What could we do to make it more fun for you?"
IF he hasn't dug in his heels, yet, an open-ended question about how to
make the trip more palatable for him can help him shift gears as he starts
thinking about what he might want to do on the way or while you're out. IF
you ask this kind of thing earlier in the day, he can be looking forward to
it and glad to go when it is time. Start including him when making your
plans for the day. What if you'd said to him that morning, "Daddy doesn't
want to carry his costume to work, so I was thinking we'd drive it over to
him later. Maybe we could do something else while we're out. What do you
think?"
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
teresa
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
After reading your and Meredith and Pam's responses, I see where I could have set myself up for much more success. Specifically, I could have sweetened the pot with a side trip, easily (to the bakery, the library, the downtown square, all on the way--doh!). I could have come up with fun tasks or helper jobs to help him make it to the car. (Just thought of this--when he was a toddler, a gem of a suggestion I got on this list was to pack a yummy "car snack" for that very purpose; I got away from that, but am definitely going to revive it.) I could have given him some time and space to calm down once things were getting heated up at the computer. I could have recognized that after the "time to go" point was resisted, offering to help find the pause button or to give 2 more minutes, etc., was going to do more harm than good and would contribute to overall frustration.
And that leads me to the place where I'd like some help understanding the quotes above. I clearly (clear to me now, anyway--thank you!) missed some opportunities to help things go a lot smoother today. But some days, I do remember them, and we still get to the stuck place. Not for as long, and it doesn't usually carry on into the car, but sometimes there is still some ugliness about getting off the computer when it's time to switch gears.
Above, where Sandra said he should have paused the game, and he definitely should not have started a third game, I thought to myself, "I know! That's what I thought, too!" But I don't know what to do with that thought. Where do we go from there? That's the main question I remain with after reading the responses.
I can and will start earlier with my efforts to ease us through transitions that I know to be tough for Woody. And I'll really, really work my tactics that have worked in the past, and try viewing the whole conflict from a different perspective, especially when I feel myself getting stuck, too. But if, despite my efforts, I am again standing at the doorway with one child strapped in the car and the other child still on the computer and yelling that he's not going to get off and he's going to do some ugly thing to me if I try to get him off, then what?
Thanks again. Please know I am not trying to back-door my way into justifying computer limits or coercion or anything like that. And I'm not borrowing trouble from a scary what-if, either (at least not intentionally). I am genuinely asking for help with what is, for me, the hardest part of parenting yet.
Teresa
>...But in any case, if the game can be paused, he should pause it at the next stopping place. And that is a problem solved.
> I wish I could have heard the tone of voice you used to "problem solve." I wouldn't have thought it a problem solving moment. You had agreed to take food to someone, and it was time to go, and his game could have paused.
>
> >Sandra, your post was full of points and suggestions that I appreciate and have written down, but I clipped the above to ask for clarification.
> If he started a third game... well I hope not.
After reading your and Meredith and Pam's responses, I see where I could have set myself up for much more success. Specifically, I could have sweetened the pot with a side trip, easily (to the bakery, the library, the downtown square, all on the way--doh!). I could have come up with fun tasks or helper jobs to help him make it to the car. (Just thought of this--when he was a toddler, a gem of a suggestion I got on this list was to pack a yummy "car snack" for that very purpose; I got away from that, but am definitely going to revive it.) I could have given him some time and space to calm down once things were getting heated up at the computer. I could have recognized that after the "time to go" point was resisted, offering to help find the pause button or to give 2 more minutes, etc., was going to do more harm than good and would contribute to overall frustration.
And that leads me to the place where I'd like some help understanding the quotes above. I clearly (clear to me now, anyway--thank you!) missed some opportunities to help things go a lot smoother today. But some days, I do remember them, and we still get to the stuck place. Not for as long, and it doesn't usually carry on into the car, but sometimes there is still some ugliness about getting off the computer when it's time to switch gears.
Above, where Sandra said he should have paused the game, and he definitely should not have started a third game, I thought to myself, "I know! That's what I thought, too!" But I don't know what to do with that thought. Where do we go from there? That's the main question I remain with after reading the responses.
I can and will start earlier with my efforts to ease us through transitions that I know to be tough for Woody. And I'll really, really work my tactics that have worked in the past, and try viewing the whole conflict from a different perspective, especially when I feel myself getting stuck, too. But if, despite my efforts, I am again standing at the doorway with one child strapped in the car and the other child still on the computer and yelling that he's not going to get off and he's going to do some ugly thing to me if I try to get him off, then what?
Thanks again. Please know I am not trying to back-door my way into justifying computer limits or coercion or anything like that. And I'm not borrowing trouble from a scary what-if, either (at least not intentionally). I am genuinely asking for help with what is, for me, the hardest part of parenting yet.
Teresa
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
Sandra Dodd
-=-Above, where Sandra said he should have paused the game, and he definitely should not have started a third game, I thought to myself, "I know! That's what I thought, too!" But I don't know what to do with that thought. Where do we go from there? That's the main question I remain with after reading the responses. -=-
You might ask him to help you plan the day.
One thing I used to do was talk about what we'd do when we got back, too... like "So when we get back, you can play your game right away, while I start dinner..." or whatever it might be. When my kids were little we only had one computer, and we would discuss whose turn it was to choose first on car seats, and whose turn on the computer when we got back, and what we were having for dinner, and during those discussions, we'd be gathering what we needed for the outing, shoes, etc...
He'll be older and more experienced every day. Time goes on. Be sweet to him and ask him to suggest ways to make things easier, when you need help. Try some of the other suggestions people have made. He might still have some bad moments, but remember he's little, and give him opportunities to practice new ways of being.
This might be important. Don't set it up so that if he "cooperates" he loses and you win. Try to arrange it more so that it's a group effort and project, and you're helping him.
http://sandradodd.com/partners/child
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
You might ask him to help you plan the day.
One thing I used to do was talk about what we'd do when we got back, too... like "So when we get back, you can play your game right away, while I start dinner..." or whatever it might be. When my kids were little we only had one computer, and we would discuss whose turn it was to choose first on car seats, and whose turn on the computer when we got back, and what we were having for dinner, and during those discussions, we'd be gathering what we needed for the outing, shoes, etc...
He'll be older and more experienced every day. Time goes on. Be sweet to him and ask him to suggest ways to make things easier, when you need help. Try some of the other suggestions people have made. He might still have some bad moments, but remember he's little, and give him opportunities to practice new ways of being.
This might be important. Don't set it up so that if he "cooperates" he loses and you win. Try to arrange it more so that it's a group effort and project, and you're helping him.
http://sandradodd.com/partners/child
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tiffani
>>>One thing I used to do was talk about what we'd do when we got back, too... like "So when we get back, you can play your game right away, while I start dinner..." or whatever it might be. When my kids were little we only had one computer, and we would discuss whose turn it was to choose first on car seats, and whose turn on the computer when we got back, and what we were having for dinner, and during those discussions, we'd be gathering what we needed for the outing, shoes, etc...<<We only have one computer to share. I have had a really hard time finding a fair way for the kids to share it. One child loves the computer and it is her favorite activity. One child is really passive and seems to never get a turn and when he does one of the other two will set at timer and take if from him. (We got this idea from Pam the idea is a 30 min timer gives the person on the computer time to finish up or possibly they are finished with the computer and will give it to the next person. The intention isn't only letting someone have it for 30 mins it is about letting the person on it know someone is waiting for it.) He feels setting a timer is a mean thing to do so he doesn't set a timer on anyone else. Then he is very disgruntled about the whole thing and I do not blame him one bit. With my group of kids what I thought was a great idea has become more of a power struggle then a tool. It is possible that the timing of this idea was bad, we
were just beginning to unschool and things were not going at all smoothly. I changed to much to soon. We would like to get another computer but it is not in the budget at this time. It is on the list of things we are saving for. I love deciding who gets the computer when we return home. That would stop a lot of shouting in the car as we pull onto our street.
Tiffani
________________________________
From: Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thursday, April 12, 2012 8:27 PM
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Re: Baffled by new, raw, angry outbursts...UGH! This is HARD!
-=-Above, where Sandra said he should have paused the game, and he definitely should not have started a third game, I thought to myself, "I know! That's what I thought, too!" But I don't know what to do with that thought. Where do we go from there? That's the main question I remain with after reading the responses. -=-
You might ask him to help you plan the day.
One thing I used to do was talk about what we'd do when we got back, too... like "So when we get back, you can play your game right away, while I start dinner..." or whatever it might be. When my kids were little we only had one computer, and we would discuss whose turn it was to choose first on car seats, and whose turn on the computer when we got back, and what we were having for dinner, and during those discussions, we'd be gathering what we needed for the outing, shoes, etc...
He'll be older and more experienced every day. Time goes on. Be sweet to him and ask him to suggest ways to make things easier, when you need help. Try some of the other suggestions people have made. He might still have some bad moments, but remember he's little, and give him opportunities to practice new ways of being.
This might be important. Don't set it up so that if he "cooperates" he loses and you win. Try to arrange it more so that it's a group effort and project, and you're helping him.
http://sandradodd.com/partners/child
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Mary Whited
On Fri, Apr 13, 2012 at 4:07 AM, Tiffani <tiffermomof5@...> wrote:
I found that with some digging I could find used laptops on ebay that cost
-- with shipping included -- something in the range of $100. They don't
need to have all the bells and whistles; no fancy software. If they have a
wireless web connection and a CD/DVD drive that's all I need. Batteries are
even optional, really.
Having enough computers for everyone to play changed the dynamic
dramatically. Yes, it ended the squabbling over turns -- but more than
that, they started finding games they could play together...especially
quests they could go on while each on a separate computer but visiting the
same sites.
:D
Mary
mama to Nic (12), Theo (8) & Whinnie (5)
in Middle Indiana
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>One solution we found to this problem was to get more computers.
> We only have one computer to share. I have had a really hard time finding
> a fair way for the kids to share it. One child loves the computer and it
> is her favorite activity. One child is really passive and seems to never
> get a turn and when he does one of the other two will set at timer and take
> if from him.
>
I found that with some digging I could find used laptops on ebay that cost
-- with shipping included -- something in the range of $100. They don't
need to have all the bells and whistles; no fancy software. If they have a
wireless web connection and a CD/DVD drive that's all I need. Batteries are
even optional, really.
Having enough computers for everyone to play changed the dynamic
dramatically. Yes, it ended the squabbling over turns -- but more than
that, they started finding games they could play together...especially
quests they could go on while each on a separate computer but visiting the
same sites.
:D
Mary
mama to Nic (12), Theo (8) & Whinnie (5)
in Middle Indiana
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
alma
--- In [email protected], "teresa" <treesock@...> wrote:
I was right there with him, offering short, simple solutions and lots of leeway (it's not like we had to leave that second to bring my husband up his things), and yet, there was still this angry pushback. Pushback against what, I wondered?
...
He describes what's happening like this: "I get angry about X, and then I feel this really big energy, and I yell/punch/kick."
...
But he had a stage like this around 4, too, also triggered by transitions and challenges (such as the win/lose idea of playing games). It's resistance turns into anger turns into big anger and threats and then physical reactions.
***************
For my 7 year old son, L, there are two things that can really help in that sort of situation, allowing him to save face and humour.
Today DH has taken the boys to a nearby city for the day. Both boys have been looking forward to going over the last few days. DH had already booked the tickets and I had plans here at home (which did not include reading lists lol). So, this morning, DH walked in to the boys, who were engrossed in lego, and said "Right boys, let's go, I want you dressed and downstairs now." Oooops. L wailed that he didn't want to go anymore and DH got cross and retreated downstairs leaving L loudly complaining that he was NOT going. I went in to him and the exchange went something like this
Me: Would you like to choose clothes for today or shall I?
L: I'm NOT going to Cardiff.
Me: OK, so what clothes would you like to wear to not go to Cardiff?
L: I AM NOT going to Cardiff.
Me: OK, so, let's get you ready to NOT go to Cardiff, hmmmm, let's get these jim jams off (while gently doing it, and kissing him) and hmmmm I think this top is your favourite not-going-to-Cardiff top, and these trousers are the best not-going-to-Cardiff trousers and (etc til fully dressed) and, now, go and tell Daddy you are ready to NOT go to Cardiff.
So he scampered off to find DH and I heard him laughingly tell DH that he was ready to Not go to Cardiff. Five minutes later they were skipping happily out the door, DH giving me the hugest look of gratitude ;-)
That sort of exchange is not natural to me (or DH!) and I don't really understand how it helps my son. In the past I would have tried to use reason (you agreed, it's booked etc) or persuasion (you'll love it when you get there etc) or simply got cross. One thing that helped me branch into humour, silliness etc was the book called "Playful Parenting" by Lawrence Cohen, which has really helped me lighten up and connect much better with my son.
Alison
DS1(9) and DS2(7)
Sandra Dodd
-=-I love deciding who gets the computer when we return home. -=-
It would be a way to get your son out the door and happy to come back, if it's turn when you get back, instead of before you leave.
-=-We would like to get another computer but it is not in the budget at this time. -=-
If by "in the budget" you mean flat out cannot afford it, that's reasonable.
If by "in the budget" you mean you have a budget with categories and items, this might be considered an unschooling expense. You might consider getting a Kindle Fire (I don't have one, but I had guests who had one, and there were lots of kid games available very inexpensively). It might be worth buying a computer on credit and paying it off, if it would add peace, safety, learning and happiness to your newly-unschooling situation.
Pam's recommendation of using a timer for computer terms wouldn't have worked for us. It's not working for your family, either. My own method is outlined here (with Pam's, and commentary)--we let kids have as long a time as they wanted. With a timer, they will stretch that time out until the timer dings. Without one, sometimes they stopped in ten minutes, and it was the turn of the next child in rotation, who could pass, or trade out. They didn't "HAVE TO" take their turn. What I didn't allow was pressure or hovering during another kid's turn.
http://sandradodd.com/sharing
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
It would be a way to get your son out the door and happy to come back, if it's turn when you get back, instead of before you leave.
-=-We would like to get another computer but it is not in the budget at this time. -=-
If by "in the budget" you mean flat out cannot afford it, that's reasonable.
If by "in the budget" you mean you have a budget with categories and items, this might be considered an unschooling expense. You might consider getting a Kindle Fire (I don't have one, but I had guests who had one, and there were lots of kid games available very inexpensively). It might be worth buying a computer on credit and paying it off, if it would add peace, safety, learning and happiness to your newly-unschooling situation.
Pam's recommendation of using a timer for computer terms wouldn't have worked for us. It's not working for your family, either. My own method is outlined here (with Pam's, and commentary)--we let kids have as long a time as they wanted. With a timer, they will stretch that time out until the timer dings. Without one, sometimes they stopped in ten minutes, and it was the turn of the next child in rotation, who could pass, or trade out. They didn't "HAVE TO" take their turn. What I didn't allow was pressure or hovering during another kid's turn.
http://sandradodd.com/sharing
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
Tiffani from someone with a very tight budget you can find decent computer and laptops for $100 to $200 dollars.
Computers are a priority. Do not think of them as something the kids play on it but they learn on it.
That is easier than deciding who gets the computer when you get home . That helps a home be more peaceful.
IF they both can get the computer at any time then there is no stress, you have kids that do not feel a lack or competition towards
the computer.
Craigslist is full of them. I got one for my mom for 30 dollars and always see really good deals available.
Alex Polikowsky
________________________________
From: Tiffani <tiffermomof5@...>
To: "[email protected]" <[email protected]>
Sent: Friday, April 13, 2012 3:07 AM
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Re: Baffled by new, raw, angry outbursts...UGH! This is HARD!
were just beginning to unschool and things were not going at all smoothly. I changed to much to soon. We would like to get another computer but it is not in the budget at this time. It is on the list of things we are saving for. I love deciding who gets the computer when we return home. That would stop a lot of shouting in the car as we pull onto our street.
Tiffani
________________________________
From: Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thursday, April 12, 2012 8:27 PM
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Re: Baffled by new, raw, angry outbursts...UGH! This is HARD!
-=-Above, where Sandra said he should have paused the game, and he definitely should not have started a third game, I thought to myself, "I know! That's what I thought, too!" But I don't know what to do with that thought. Where do we go from there? That's the main question I remain with after reading the responses. -=-
You might ask him to help you plan the day.
One thing I used to do was talk about what we'd do when we got back, too... like "So when we get back, you can play your game right away, while I start dinner..." or whatever it might be. When my kids were little we only had one computer, and we would discuss whose turn it was to choose first on car seats, and whose turn on the computer when we got back, and what we were having for dinner, and during those discussions, we'd be gathering what we needed for the outing, shoes, etc...
He'll be older and more experienced every day. Time goes on. Be sweet to him and ask him to suggest ways to make things easier, when you need help. Try some of the other suggestions people have made. He might still have some bad moments, but remember he's little, and give him opportunities to practice new ways of being.
This might be important. Don't set it up so that if he "cooperates" he loses and you win. Try to arrange it more so that it's a group effort and project, and you're helping him.
http://sandradodd.com/partners/child
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Computers are a priority. Do not think of them as something the kids play on it but they learn on it.
That is easier than deciding who gets the computer when you get home . That helps a home be more peaceful.
IF they both can get the computer at any time then there is no stress, you have kids that do not feel a lack or competition towards
the computer.
Craigslist is full of them. I got one for my mom for 30 dollars and always see really good deals available.
Alex Polikowsky
________________________________
From: Tiffani <tiffermomof5@...>
To: "[email protected]" <[email protected]>
Sent: Friday, April 13, 2012 3:07 AM
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Re: Baffled by new, raw, angry outbursts...UGH! This is HARD!
>>>One thing I used to do was talk about what we'd do when we got back, too... like "So when we get back, you can play your game right away, while I start dinner..." or whatever it might be. When my kids were little we only had one computer, and we would discuss whose turn it was to choose first on car seats, and whose turn on the computer when we got back, and what we were having for dinner, and during those discussions, we'd be gathering what we needed for the outing, shoes, etc...<<We only have one computer to share. I have had a really hard time finding a fair way for the kids to share it. One child loves the computer and it is her favorite activity. One child is really passive and seems to never get a turn and when he does one of the other two will set at timer and take if from him. (We got this idea from Pam the idea is a 30 min timer gives the person on the computer time to finish up or possibly they are finished with the computer and will give it to the next person. The intention isn't only letting someone have it for 30 mins it is about letting the person on it know someone is waiting for it.) He feels setting a timer is a mean thing to do so he doesn't set a timer on anyone else. Then he is very disgruntled about the whole thing and I do not blame him one bit. With my group of kids what I thought was a great idea has become more of a power struggle then a tool. It is possible that the timing of this idea was bad, we
were just beginning to unschool and things were not going at all smoothly. I changed to much to soon. We would like to get another computer but it is not in the budget at this time. It is on the list of things we are saving for. I love deciding who gets the computer when we return home. That would stop a lot of shouting in the car as we pull onto our street.
Tiffani
________________________________
From: Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thursday, April 12, 2012 8:27 PM
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Re: Baffled by new, raw, angry outbursts...UGH! This is HARD!
-=-Above, where Sandra said he should have paused the game, and he definitely should not have started a third game, I thought to myself, "I know! That's what I thought, too!" But I don't know what to do with that thought. Where do we go from there? That's the main question I remain with after reading the responses. -=-
You might ask him to help you plan the day.
One thing I used to do was talk about what we'd do when we got back, too... like "So when we get back, you can play your game right away, while I start dinner..." or whatever it might be. When my kids were little we only had one computer, and we would discuss whose turn it was to choose first on car seats, and whose turn on the computer when we got back, and what we were having for dinner, and during those discussions, we'd be gathering what we needed for the outing, shoes, etc...
He'll be older and more experienced every day. Time goes on. Be sweet to him and ask him to suggest ways to make things easier, when you need help. Try some of the other suggestions people have made. He might still have some bad moments, but remember he's little, and give him opportunities to practice new ways of being.
This might be important. Don't set it up so that if he "cooperates" he loses and you win. Try to arrange it more so that it's a group effort and project, and you're helping him.
http://sandradodd.com/partners/child
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pam Sorooshian
On Fri, Apr 13, 2012 at 5:44 AM, alma <almadoing@...> wrote:
spent a lot of time hanging out and talking with him at a small conference
about 17 years ago or so. His attitude had a great influence on me, too, in
terms of moving toward lightening things up around our house. He has
written a couple of other books about kids and has a new book coming out
called, "The Art of Roughhousing." You can subscribe to his newsletter on
his website: http://www.playfulparenting.com/newslettersignup.html.
I'm glad this was brought up - I'd forgotten about him and I don't think
I've mentioned the book for years, but it could be really really useful
especially for those parents who tend to be more on the grim side.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> One thing that helped me branch into humour, silliness etc was the bookI like his book, too. He used to come to homeschooling conferences and I
> called "Playful Parenting" by Lawrence Cohen, which has really helped me
> lighten up and connect much better with my son.
spent a lot of time hanging out and talking with him at a small conference
about 17 years ago or so. His attitude had a great influence on me, too, in
terms of moving toward lightening things up around our house. He has
written a couple of other books about kids and has a new book coming out
called, "The Art of Roughhousing." You can subscribe to his newsletter on
his website: http://www.playfulparenting.com/newslettersignup.html.
I'm glad this was brought up - I'd forgotten about him and I don't think
I've mentioned the book for years, but it could be really really useful
especially for those parents who tend to be more on the grim side.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Genevieve Raymond
This book was a big influence on us as well, especially my husband. He
still refers to "getting down on the floor" with our kids--playing at their
level and what a difference it makes. He's now the Fun Dad at all our play
dates and gatherings. While the rest of the parents are sitting around
chatting, John is "down on the floor" with all the kids having a blast.
I also loved Cohen's approach to winning/losing games. I had been a mom
who wouldn't let my kids win because it was dishonest. Thankfully I got
over that. Cohen talks about finding just the right amount of challenge
for your child in that moment--sometimes they just need a really easy win,
while at other times they're more confident and up for more of a challenge
and the satisfaction that that brings. I see this with my son and video
games as well. Sometimes he uses cheats, especially when he's just learning
a game. I would have had a hard time watching him do that at one point in
my life--"but then you won't feel as good about leveling up!". Now I
recognize it as part of his learning process and how he develops a feeling
of competence. After awhile, he'll abandon the cheats, stop asking me to
look for walk-throughs, etc, and tackle something on his own, when he's
feeling ready.
-Genevieve
still refers to "getting down on the floor" with our kids--playing at their
level and what a difference it makes. He's now the Fun Dad at all our play
dates and gatherings. While the rest of the parents are sitting around
chatting, John is "down on the floor" with all the kids having a blast.
I also loved Cohen's approach to winning/losing games. I had been a mom
who wouldn't let my kids win because it was dishonest. Thankfully I got
over that. Cohen talks about finding just the right amount of challenge
for your child in that moment--sometimes they just need a really easy win,
while at other times they're more confident and up for more of a challenge
and the satisfaction that that brings. I see this with my son and video
games as well. Sometimes he uses cheats, especially when he's just learning
a game. I would have had a hard time watching him do that at one point in
my life--"but then you won't feel as good about leveling up!". Now I
recognize it as part of his learning process and how he develops a feeling
of competence. After awhile, he'll abandon the cheats, stop asking me to
look for walk-throughs, etc, and tackle something on his own, when he's
feeling ready.
-Genevieve
On Apr 13, 2012, at 8:20 AM, Pam Sorooshian <pamsoroosh@...> wrote:
On Fri, Apr 13, 2012 at 5:44 AM, alma <almadoing@...> wrote:
> One thing that helped me branch into humour, silliness etc was the book
> called "Playful Parenting" by Lawrence Cohen, which has really helped me
> lighten up and connect much better with my son.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
You can get that book as an audio book, read by the author!
http://www.audible.com/pd/ref=sr_1_1?asin=B003NTHI82&qid=1334331011&sr=1-1
Playful Parenting
ABRIDGED
by Lawrence J. Cohen
Narrated by Lawrence J. Cohen
Abridged, and I don't know what they've abridged, but it might be easier to get it where dads will hear it if it's on an iPod he uses to exercise, or it's in the car he drives.
Publisher's Summary
Playful Parenting means joining children in their world of play, focusing on connection and confidence, giggling and roughhousing, and following your child's lead. This audiobook is an exciting approach to raising children that will help you nurture close relationships and solve behavior problems.
Think about the loving gaze of an infant, the no-hold-barred embrace of a toddler, the intimacy of a shared bedtime story, or a silent hand-in-hand walk. These moments of heartfelt connection with our children are part of the great payoff for the hard work of parenting. Yet this connection all too often eludes us. We find ourselves locked in battle instead of joined in partnership. Play can be the long-sought bridge back to that deep emotional bond between parent and child.
©2010 Lawrence J. Cohen (P)2010 Wyatt-MacKenzie
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
http://www.audible.com/pd/ref=sr_1_1?asin=B003NTHI82&qid=1334331011&sr=1-1
Playful Parenting
ABRIDGED
by Lawrence J. Cohen
Narrated by Lawrence J. Cohen
Abridged, and I don't know what they've abridged, but it might be easier to get it where dads will hear it if it's on an iPod he uses to exercise, or it's in the car he drives.
Publisher's Summary
Playful Parenting means joining children in their world of play, focusing on connection and confidence, giggling and roughhousing, and following your child's lead. This audiobook is an exciting approach to raising children that will help you nurture close relationships and solve behavior problems.
Think about the loving gaze of an infant, the no-hold-barred embrace of a toddler, the intimacy of a shared bedtime story, or a silent hand-in-hand walk. These moments of heartfelt connection with our children are part of the great payoff for the hard work of parenting. Yet this connection all too often eludes us. We find ourselves locked in battle instead of joined in partnership. Play can be the long-sought bridge back to that deep emotional bond between parent and child.
©2010 Lawrence J. Cohen (P)2010 Wyatt-MacKenzie
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
Tiffani <tiffermomof5@...> wrote:
When we were in a similar boat, it was helpful to look at what we all used the computer for and look for alternatives for specific things. So for games, we got used console systems. We also got an older used computer for games and programs which didn't need the internet - nowadays, when there are used phones which get you the internet, that opens up yet another option.
---Meredith
>We would like to get another computer but it is not in the budget at this time. Â It is on the list of things we are saving for.*****************
When we were in a similar boat, it was helpful to look at what we all used the computer for and look for alternatives for specific things. So for games, we got used console systems. We also got an older used computer for games and programs which didn't need the internet - nowadays, when there are used phones which get you the internet, that opens up yet another option.
---Meredith
teresa
YES! I had read the Playful Parenting book two or three years ago and forgotten about it, too. But today in the car again, the punchbuggy game came up. (We don't actually do punches, just "points.") Again, Woody spotted the first one and my mind flashed to yesterday's frustrations that got physical between my boys. I had an epiphany: we had been playing Mario Kart at a friends house and learned about the way to play "Coin Gathering" rather than racing. The idea is that players are on teams (and all human players can choose to be on the same team) and they go around collecting as many coins as they can to add to their team total. I suggested we do this with punchbuggy, to try and spot as many as we can as a family, aiming for a "high score" from one trip to the next. Woody was all about this, and I felt free to play again since I knew I would be adding fun instead of frustration to the game.
--- In [email protected], Genevieve Raymond <genevieve.raymond@...> wrote:
>
> This book was a big influence on us as well, especially my husband. He
> still refers to "getting down on the floor" with our kids--playing at their
> level and what a difference it makes. He's now the Fun Dad at all our play
> dates and gatherings. While the rest of the parents are sitting around
> chatting, John is "down on the floor" with all the kids having a blast.
>
> I also loved Cohen's approach to winning/losing games. I had been a mom
> who wouldn't let my kids win because it was dishonest. Thankfully I got
> over that. Cohen talks about finding just the right amount of challenge
> for your child in that moment--sometimes they just need a really easy win,
> while at other times they're more confident and up for more of a challenge
> and the satisfaction that that brings. I see this with my son and video
> games as well. Sometimes he uses cheats, especially when he's just learning
> a game. I would have had a hard time watching him do that at one point in
> my life--"but then you won't feel as good about leveling up!". Now I
> recognize it as part of his learning process and how he develops a feeling
> of competence. After awhile, he'll abandon the cheats, stop asking me to
> look for walk-throughs, etc, and tackle something on his own, when he's
> feeling ready.
>
> -Genevieve
>
>
> On Apr 13, 2012, at 8:20 AM, Pam Sorooshian <pamsoroosh@...> wrote:
>
>
>
> On Fri, Apr 13, 2012 at 5:44 AM, alma <almadoing@...> wrote:
>
> > One thing that helped me branch into humour, silliness etc was the book
> > called "Playful Parenting" by Lawrence Cohen, which has really helped me
> > lighten up and connect much better with my son.
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
jenny.wren76
**********************************************************************
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
>What I didn't allow was pressure or hovering during another kid's turn.
>
> http://sandradodd.com/sharing
>
> Sandra
********************************************************************
What did the not allowing look like?
Jenn
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
At my house it would probably look like me involving the waaiting child into something fun.
Maybe pull out some paints, or bake some. Maybe play a game in the Wii or Nintendo DS. Maybe go outside and do something the other
child really like to do with *me*. Not by herself. No send the child to do something but involve and do together. I would get the waiting child away./
What I would not do is keep cleaning the house or talking on the phone with someone while one child is hovering over the other asking when is my turn, or sending the other child to do something else lie " go out ride you bike while you wait"
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Maybe pull out some paints, or bake some. Maybe play a game in the Wii or Nintendo DS. Maybe go outside and do something the other
child really like to do with *me*. Not by herself. No send the child to do something but involve and do together. I would get the waiting child away./
What I would not do is keep cleaning the house or talking on the phone with someone while one child is hovering over the other asking when is my turn, or sending the other child to do something else lie " go out ride you bike while you wait"
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-What did the not allowing look like? --=-
"Leave him alone, it's his turn."
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
"Leave him alone, it's his turn."
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-What I would not do is keep cleaning the house or talking on the phone with someone while one child is hovering over the other asking when is my turn, or sending the other child to do something else lie " go out ride you bike while you wait"-=-
I wouldn't feel guilty saying "Find something else to do." Not even a little bit.
This has been said many times at our house, when two kids were trying to occupy the same small space: "It's a big house. Go somewhere else."
Sandra
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I wouldn't feel guilty saying "Find something else to do." Not even a little bit.
This has been said many times at our house, when two kids were trying to occupy the same small space: "It's a big house. Go somewhere else."
Sandra
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BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
"I wouldn't feel guilty saying "Find something else to do." Not even a little bit."
Yeah , I would not either. I have said that and do say those things. I think the older the child the easier it is for them to find something on their own.
Younger kids need more distraction.
Helping them get their minds into something else works great even when I tell them to just leave his brother/her sister alone.
The older they get the less I need to do it in my experience. Then just a "Leave him alone is his turn" works.
Alex Polikowsky
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Sandra Dodd
-=- I think the older the child the easier it is for them to find something on their own.
Younger kids need more distraction. -=-
Definitely. In the case of a two or three year old, I would keep them happy and busy if they were anxious for a turn. I have also talked the older kid into letting the baby inset a short turn.
Sandra
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Younger kids need more distraction. -=-
Definitely. In the case of a two or three year old, I would keep them happy and busy if they were anxious for a turn. I have also talked the older kid into letting the baby inset a short turn.
Sandra
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