So much clean up to do behind my girls' projects...
catherinemforest
Hi Friends,
I think I need your help. I have 3 little girls (8 yo twins and a 6 yo) that are incredibly creative. They love to draw, paint, sew, build, bake, all at the same time! I desperately want to give them the freedom to do so and to feel free to do so. They are so happy and alive when they do... However, this entails a lot of cleaning on my part because there is stuff all over the house and I do not function well in a messy house. I know this is my need and I am trying to honor the fact that it is not their need, but to be honest, many times, I end up feeling frustrated and like I spend a big part of my days cleaning behind them, picking up clothes, etc.
We have talked about it a little before, but they are still pretty young and they don't feel the need to clean the table before eating (so they eat on top of the fabric they used or the paint, etc.) if I do not step in to clean. This drives me nuts! And I end up being mad and yelling... I hate this. Trust me, I really want to stop being this mom, but I feel like I can't. I have the self-talk going on: It's OK, look at the beautiful creations they are making, I'd rather see they happy over there than unhappy here feeling forced to clean to please me, blablbla... and they I explode!
I really want to get to that place of happily cleaning behind them until one day, maybe, they will join in not because they feel like they need to to please me, but just because they want to clean up...
How do other moms do it? Have you gotten to that place of not head-butting with your kids about cleaning after themselves?
Thanks,
Catherine
I think I need your help. I have 3 little girls (8 yo twins and a 6 yo) that are incredibly creative. They love to draw, paint, sew, build, bake, all at the same time! I desperately want to give them the freedom to do so and to feel free to do so. They are so happy and alive when they do... However, this entails a lot of cleaning on my part because there is stuff all over the house and I do not function well in a messy house. I know this is my need and I am trying to honor the fact that it is not their need, but to be honest, many times, I end up feeling frustrated and like I spend a big part of my days cleaning behind them, picking up clothes, etc.
We have talked about it a little before, but they are still pretty young and they don't feel the need to clean the table before eating (so they eat on top of the fabric they used or the paint, etc.) if I do not step in to clean. This drives me nuts! And I end up being mad and yelling... I hate this. Trust me, I really want to stop being this mom, but I feel like I can't. I have the self-talk going on: It's OK, look at the beautiful creations they are making, I'd rather see they happy over there than unhappy here feeling forced to clean to please me, blablbla... and they I explode!
I really want to get to that place of happily cleaning behind them until one day, maybe, they will join in not because they feel like they need to to please me, but just because they want to clean up...
How do other moms do it? Have you gotten to that place of not head-butting with your kids about cleaning after themselves?
Thanks,
Catherine
dezignarob
=== How do other moms do it? Have you gotten to that place of not head-butting with your kids about cleaning after themselves? ====
I only have one, but she is somewhat crafty and I am a working textile and mixed media artist. Our living room is a crafting workshop. Sometimes I miss the days when her biggest interest was building structures for her Barbie's to play in, instead of computer gaming, and I cleaned up after her - but all things in their season.
I have never, once butted heads with Jayn, now 12, about cleaning up. When she was younger, cleaning up after her WAS my job - the biggest part of facilitating her learning, along with providing materials.
If you can stop seeing the cleaning up as something that is getting in the way of whatever other activities you want to do to unschool, and see it as a big part of how you unschool, that might help you feel better.
Rather than feeling frustrated with yourself for not feeling better about your need to clean, direct that energy into finding tools, tips and tricks to making the cleaning easier and more fun. If it is more fun, and you are enjoying it, your kids will be more likely to want to be part of that process.
In passing, I would encourage you to let go of any mental timetable about when this switch to cleaning up after themselves will happen. Jayn is 12 as I mentioned, and has only just started taking her own plate to the kitchen most of the time.
So here are some ideas that have worked for me, bearing in mind that I am not much of a housekeeper:
Have cool cleaning tools that make it easy and efficient, like Swiffer mops (Jayn used to love the juzzz noise and want to do the kitchen every time). I long ago switched to a bagless vacuum cleaner, because changing the bag was more of a job than the vacuuming itself.
Baskets, bins, and labelled boxes - boxes on wheels, smaller baskets with handles to stash things in, art supplies in those cleaning supply trays with the center handles, clear drawers on wheels that can be pushed around.
Several layers of paper over the work surfaces at a time. You only have to pull up one layer when it is totally grungy.
Use old phone books (if any of them are ever delivered anymore) or junk mail catalogs as glue/paint work surfaces. You turn each dirty page to have a new surface, then the whole thing goes into the recycling.
LOTS of small trash bins in the workspace, or small bags tied to the table - much better than expecting a busy crafter to go to the bin.
Small tray tables to put food on next to the worker, rather than right on the work table, and drinks in sippy bottles to avoid spills. Want them to step away from the crafts to eat? Set up a buffet picnic to the side.
A large, cheap rug as the protection for the floor - looks nicer than a dropcloth and you can vacuum or carpet sweep it. I got a set of 3 from Ralphs (Krogers) for $30.
Avoid water spills when painting by having a water container with a low center of gravity - a wider base than top so it won't tip - and put it on a plastic tray lined with some absorbent paper to catch drips.
If you don't have the space to dedicate a workshop - with a door you can close on the works-in-progress (a much better word than "mess"), perhaps a folding screen (DIY from some old cupboard doors perhaps) to hide the table would work.
If you are needing the table, I suggest some large trays under the crafting to make it easier to lift and move stuff. I also have two large and several small folding tables that come and go.
The time will come when you don't have to clean up after your children. How will you fill your days?
Robyn L. Coburn
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
www.robyncoburn.blogspot.com
I only have one, but she is somewhat crafty and I am a working textile and mixed media artist. Our living room is a crafting workshop. Sometimes I miss the days when her biggest interest was building structures for her Barbie's to play in, instead of computer gaming, and I cleaned up after her - but all things in their season.
I have never, once butted heads with Jayn, now 12, about cleaning up. When she was younger, cleaning up after her WAS my job - the biggest part of facilitating her learning, along with providing materials.
If you can stop seeing the cleaning up as something that is getting in the way of whatever other activities you want to do to unschool, and see it as a big part of how you unschool, that might help you feel better.
Rather than feeling frustrated with yourself for not feeling better about your need to clean, direct that energy into finding tools, tips and tricks to making the cleaning easier and more fun. If it is more fun, and you are enjoying it, your kids will be more likely to want to be part of that process.
In passing, I would encourage you to let go of any mental timetable about when this switch to cleaning up after themselves will happen. Jayn is 12 as I mentioned, and has only just started taking her own plate to the kitchen most of the time.
So here are some ideas that have worked for me, bearing in mind that I am not much of a housekeeper:
Have cool cleaning tools that make it easy and efficient, like Swiffer mops (Jayn used to love the juzzz noise and want to do the kitchen every time). I long ago switched to a bagless vacuum cleaner, because changing the bag was more of a job than the vacuuming itself.
Baskets, bins, and labelled boxes - boxes on wheels, smaller baskets with handles to stash things in, art supplies in those cleaning supply trays with the center handles, clear drawers on wheels that can be pushed around.
Several layers of paper over the work surfaces at a time. You only have to pull up one layer when it is totally grungy.
Use old phone books (if any of them are ever delivered anymore) or junk mail catalogs as glue/paint work surfaces. You turn each dirty page to have a new surface, then the whole thing goes into the recycling.
LOTS of small trash bins in the workspace, or small bags tied to the table - much better than expecting a busy crafter to go to the bin.
Small tray tables to put food on next to the worker, rather than right on the work table, and drinks in sippy bottles to avoid spills. Want them to step away from the crafts to eat? Set up a buffet picnic to the side.
A large, cheap rug as the protection for the floor - looks nicer than a dropcloth and you can vacuum or carpet sweep it. I got a set of 3 from Ralphs (Krogers) for $30.
Avoid water spills when painting by having a water container with a low center of gravity - a wider base than top so it won't tip - and put it on a plastic tray lined with some absorbent paper to catch drips.
If you don't have the space to dedicate a workshop - with a door you can close on the works-in-progress (a much better word than "mess"), perhaps a folding screen (DIY from some old cupboard doors perhaps) to hide the table would work.
If you are needing the table, I suggest some large trays under the crafting to make it easier to lift and move stuff. I also have two large and several small folding tables that come and go.
The time will come when you don't have to clean up after your children. How will you fill your days?
Robyn L. Coburn
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
www.robyncoburn.blogspot.com
catherinemforest
Oh, Robyn, this is so true! I know I will miss the days where I cleaned up behind my girls. This is why I want to see this as my job (and it is!! I don't have any lesson planning to do since I unschool, so a little cleaning is really not the end of the world!). You have great ideas and suggestions. I think that part of the problem for us is that we are traveling and now living in Costa Rica in a small house and I have no bins and not much space (and since we are only in places temporarily, we don't buy stuff to get organized... ). So, thanks to your answer, I can see that this is also a big part of the problem (we are leaving in 10 days and will be traveling in trailer soon, so I take good notes of organizing our space better).
I think that I mainly need to do some personal work to stop feeling like I am the only one cleaning after everybody and just stop whining and see how lucky I am to have crafty little ones that have wonderful ideas. I repeat this to myself everyday, but when I turn around and see the magnitude of the mess, I snap...
I think that I mainly need to do some personal work to stop feeling like I am the only one cleaning after everybody and just stop whining and see how lucky I am to have crafty little ones that have wonderful ideas. I repeat this to myself everyday, but when I turn around and see the magnitude of the mess, I snap...
Pam Sorooshian
On Wed, Apr 11, 2012 at 4:00 PM, catherinemforest <cforest@...>wrote:
"for" them - for the next project, to create a beautiful fresh clean
canvass for them to do the next thing they do - whether it is eat a nice
lunch or make some new creation.
Also - I had extremely and I mean EXTREMELY mess-making kids - a LOT of art
supplies and paper and paint and playdough and on and on...lots and lots
and lots. I never wanted to limit them in their use of supplies - mix and
match style! So we often had all KINDS of combinations of stuff out all at
the same time and they were always in the middle of a bunch of creations.
Make it possible for stuff to be "out" but also out of the way. I
eventually learned to use perfectly clear plastic boxes - not cardboard and
only clear see-through. And not really big ones - nothing too big for a
child to pick up comfortably. If we needed to clear some space to make room
for some other activity - stuff could just be dumped into the clear boxes -
not organized, just dropped in. I would just say, "Here, let's put ALL this
stuff into these boxes and the kids would usually help because it was super
super quick. "I" could go through the boxes if I wanted to do that, at my
leisure, but the kids could just dump everything - trash included (a very
very fine line exists between trash and collaging materials, by the way).
The clear boxes make it a lot easier to remember what was likely to be in
each one to find stuff fast, later. And the boxes can be stacked up in a
corner. I'd go through the boxes and pull out the markers and crayons and
scissors and hole punches and so on - the "tools" - and usually put all
those into one box to be easily found. Sometimes I'd pull all the full
sheets of paper out and put all those into one box - construction paper and
printer paper, etc. And if I was REALLY feeling ambitious I would pull out
all the larger scraps of paper and put all those into one box. If there was
fabric or yarn involved in some of the boxes, I'd sometimes put all that
into one. But, really, most of the time the boxes were just filled with
completely unorganized stuff - that totally appeared to be organized
because it was contained and stacked.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I think that I mainly need to do some personal work to stop feeling like IDon't think of it is cleaning up "after" them...think of it as cleaning up
> am the only one cleaning after everybody and just stop whining and see how
> lucky I am to have crafty little ones that have wonderful ideas. I repeat
> this to myself everyday, but when I turn around and see the magnitude of
> the mess, I snap..
"for" them - for the next project, to create a beautiful fresh clean
canvass for them to do the next thing they do - whether it is eat a nice
lunch or make some new creation.
Also - I had extremely and I mean EXTREMELY mess-making kids - a LOT of art
supplies and paper and paint and playdough and on and on...lots and lots
and lots. I never wanted to limit them in their use of supplies - mix and
match style! So we often had all KINDS of combinations of stuff out all at
the same time and they were always in the middle of a bunch of creations.
Make it possible for stuff to be "out" but also out of the way. I
eventually learned to use perfectly clear plastic boxes - not cardboard and
only clear see-through. And not really big ones - nothing too big for a
child to pick up comfortably. If we needed to clear some space to make room
for some other activity - stuff could just be dumped into the clear boxes -
not organized, just dropped in. I would just say, "Here, let's put ALL this
stuff into these boxes and the kids would usually help because it was super
super quick. "I" could go through the boxes if I wanted to do that, at my
leisure, but the kids could just dump everything - trash included (a very
very fine line exists between trash and collaging materials, by the way).
The clear boxes make it a lot easier to remember what was likely to be in
each one to find stuff fast, later. And the boxes can be stacked up in a
corner. I'd go through the boxes and pull out the markers and crayons and
scissors and hole punches and so on - the "tools" - and usually put all
those into one box to be easily found. Sometimes I'd pull all the full
sheets of paper out and put all those into one box - construction paper and
printer paper, etc. And if I was REALLY feeling ambitious I would pull out
all the larger scraps of paper and put all those into one box. If there was
fabric or yarn involved in some of the boxes, I'd sometimes put all that
into one. But, really, most of the time the boxes were just filled with
completely unorganized stuff - that totally appeared to be organized
because it was contained and stacked.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
catherinemforest
The smaller clear boxes are a GREAT idea, Pam! I will do that for our trailer trip! I think that would make a big difference.
I also want to change my mindset to cleaning behind them to cleaning for them... I still get stuck in that old mentality sometimes. I just need to repeat many times a day how blessed I feel to be home with super creative and lovely girls!
Also, do any of you ask your children to clean with you? Or you just do it and if they help, fine, but if they don't, you're OK with this too? Do you say: could you please clean the table while I finish making dinner, please? Or you just do it?
Thanks a lot!
Catherine
I also want to change my mindset to cleaning behind them to cleaning for them... I still get stuck in that old mentality sometimes. I just need to repeat many times a day how blessed I feel to be home with super creative and lovely girls!
Also, do any of you ask your children to clean with you? Or you just do it and if they help, fine, but if they don't, you're OK with this too? Do you say: could you please clean the table while I finish making dinner, please? Or you just do it?
Thanks a lot!
Catherine
--- In [email protected], Pam Sorooshian <pamsoroosh@...> wrote:
>
> On Wed, Apr 11, 2012 at 4:00 PM, catherinemforest <cforest@...>wrote:
>
> > I think that I mainly need to do some personal work to stop feeling like I
> > am the only one cleaning after everybody and just stop whining and see how
> > lucky I am to have crafty little ones that have wonderful ideas. I repeat
> > this to myself everyday, but when I turn around and see the magnitude of
> > the mess, I snap..
>
>
> Don't think of it is cleaning up "after" them...think of it as cleaning up
> "for" them - for the next project, to create a beautiful fresh clean
> canvass for them to do the next thing they do - whether it is eat a nice
> lunch or make some new creation.
>
> Also - I had extremely and I mean EXTREMELY mess-making kids - a LOT of art
> supplies and paper and paint and playdough and on and on...lots and lots
> and lots. I never wanted to limit them in their use of supplies - mix and
> match style! So we often had all KINDS of combinations of stuff out all at
> the same time and they were always in the middle of a bunch of creations.
>
> Make it possible for stuff to be "out" but also out of the way. I
> eventually learned to use perfectly clear plastic boxes - not cardboard and
> only clear see-through. And not really big ones - nothing too big for a
> child to pick up comfortably. If we needed to clear some space to make room
> for some other activity - stuff could just be dumped into the clear boxes -
> not organized, just dropped in. I would just say, "Here, let's put ALL this
> stuff into these boxes and the kids would usually help because it was super
> super quick. "I" could go through the boxes if I wanted to do that, at my
> leisure, but the kids could just dump everything - trash included (a very
> very fine line exists between trash and collaging materials, by the way).
> The clear boxes make it a lot easier to remember what was likely to be in
> each one to find stuff fast, later. And the boxes can be stacked up in a
> corner. I'd go through the boxes and pull out the markers and crayons and
> scissors and hole punches and so on - the "tools" - and usually put all
> those into one box to be easily found. Sometimes I'd pull all the full
> sheets of paper out and put all those into one box - construction paper and
> printer paper, etc. And if I was REALLY feeling ambitious I would pull out
> all the larger scraps of paper and put all those into one box. If there was
> fabric or yarn involved in some of the boxes, I'd sometimes put all that
> into one. But, really, most of the time the boxes were just filled with
> completely unorganized stuff - that totally appeared to be organized
> because it was contained and stacked.
>
> -pam
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
Sandra Dodd
-=- I repeat this to myself everyday, but when I turn around and see the magnitude of the mess, I snap...-=-
http://sandradodd.com/breathing
-=-This drives me nuts! And I end up being mad and yelling... I hate this. Trust me, I really want to stop being this mom, but I feel like I can't.-=-
"Trust me"? Nice!
If you really want to stop, stop.
If you listen to the sound file at the bottom of this page, it will give you a tool to stop. You're "self talking" yourself until you explode, every time. You're not choosing what to do. You're not-doing, and not-doing, until you "end up" out of control.
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully
Do. Don't not-do. Make choices that lead you more toward the mom you claim to want to be.
You can do it, but not if you don't change something.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
http://sandradodd.com/breathing
-=-This drives me nuts! And I end up being mad and yelling... I hate this. Trust me, I really want to stop being this mom, but I feel like I can't.-=-
"Trust me"? Nice!
If you really want to stop, stop.
If you listen to the sound file at the bottom of this page, it will give you a tool to stop. You're "self talking" yourself until you explode, every time. You're not choosing what to do. You're not-doing, and not-doing, until you "end up" out of control.
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully
Do. Don't not-do. Make choices that lead you more toward the mom you claim to want to be.
You can do it, but not if you don't change something.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Renee McGraw
On Apr 11, 2012 4:34 PM, "catherinemforest" <cforest@...> wrote:
However, this entails a lot of cleaning on my part because there is stuff
all over the house and I do not function well in a messy house. I know this
is my need and I am trying to honor the fact that it is not their need, but
to be honest, many times, I end up feeling frustrated and like I spend a
big part of my days cleaning behind them, picking up clothes, etc.
........................
Try this link:
http://sandradodd.com/service
Read it again in a few days and then again next week :-)
My 7 year old LOVES her clothes. I would get frustrated because she
doesn't yet have the desire to put things away, but yet gets upset when she
can't find her favorite items which in turn stressed me out searching for
the missing item.
After finding the page on service I had a lightbulb moment about not only
the clothes, but all the projects we do. I want Kirsten to be able to find
her favorite clothes and shoes. I want her to know that her paint brushes
will be ready for her when she decides to use them. It is my hearts desire
for her to be able to persue what she loves when she wants to.
I can help her do that by putting her clothes away, washing her paint
brushes, collecting the craft items and little scraps of fabric for her.
Sometimes she does jump in and say "I'll help you mama" if she walks in her
room and I'm hanging clothes. Sometimes she just runs in and grabs what
she want to change into and tosses what she had on in the pile I'm hanging
up :-)
Either way it makes me happy to know that I'm giving her a gift out of
love, modeling true joy in serving my family by helping them to be able to
find their things.
Renee
On Apr 11, 2012 4:34 PM, "catherinemforest" <cforest@...> wrote:
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tiffani
I was in a battle with my kids over "chores". We had assigned zones. I went to a talk with Pam and her daughter where they suggested I stop fighting and stop having the kids do chores. I did it. I thought Pam was crazy as my 5 kids played the house to death and I was having a hard time keeping any kind of balance. (There was a lot of crying in those days.) Then I asked for help. I did not yell I did not demand I just asked for help. To my HUGE surprise all but 1 child helped. Our house hold now has balance. Everyone pitches in sometimes. I am pretty new to radical unschooling but my understanding is it is okay to ask for help when you need it. There are many household things that need to be done that different family members do not mind doing or they actually enjoy doing. I had to let go of perfectionism but in return I have a 7 yo who loves to do dishes and vacuum and the child who would rather poke out his eye then to clear the
table is glad to take out the trash or clean up after the dogs. Another thing that has helped in our house is I have finally learned how to play with my kids. Today they talked me into actually playing lazer tag with them. In the past I have just watched. I can not believe how much fun I had. I play with them then when they are off on their own I have time to organize which is something I enjoy doing.
Tiffani
________________________________
From: catherinemforest <cforest@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 5:22 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Re: So much clean up to do behind my girls' projects...
The smaller clear boxes are a GREAT idea, Pam! I will do that for our trailer trip! I think that would make a big difference.
I also want to change my mindset to cleaning behind them to cleaning for them... I still get stuck in that old mentality sometimes. I just need to repeat many times a day how blessed I feel to be home with super creative and lovely girls!
Also, do any of you ask your children to clean with you? Or you just do it and if they help, fine, but if they don't, you're OK with this too? Do you say: could you please clean the table while I finish making dinner, please? Or you just do it?
Thanks a lot!
Catherine
table is glad to take out the trash or clean up after the dogs. Another thing that has helped in our house is I have finally learned how to play with my kids. Today they talked me into actually playing lazer tag with them. In the past I have just watched. I can not believe how much fun I had. I play with them then when they are off on their own I have time to organize which is something I enjoy doing.
Tiffani
________________________________
From: catherinemforest <cforest@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 5:22 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Re: So much clean up to do behind my girls' projects...
The smaller clear boxes are a GREAT idea, Pam! I will do that for our trailer trip! I think that would make a big difference.
I also want to change my mindset to cleaning behind them to cleaning for them... I still get stuck in that old mentality sometimes. I just need to repeat many times a day how blessed I feel to be home with super creative and lovely girls!
Also, do any of you ask your children to clean with you? Or you just do it and if they help, fine, but if they don't, you're OK with this too? Do you say: could you please clean the table while I finish making dinner, please? Or you just do it?
Thanks a lot!
Catherine
--- In [email protected], Pam Sorooshian <pamsoroosh@...> wrote:
>
> On Wed, Apr 11, 2012 at 4:00 PM, catherinemforest <cforest@...>wrote:
>
> > I think that I mainly need to do some personal work to stop feeling like I
> > am the only one cleaning after everybody and just stop whining and see how
> > lucky I am to have crafty little ones that have wonderful ideas. I repeat
> > this to myself everyday, but when I turn around and see the magnitude of
> > the mess, I snap..
>
>
> Don't think of it is cleaning up "after" them...think of it as cleaning up
> "for" them - for the next project, to create a beautiful fresh clean
> canvass for them to do the next thing they do - whether it is eat a nice
> lunch or make some new creation.
>
> Also - I had extremely and I mean EXTREMELY mess-making kids - a LOT of art
> supplies and paper and paint and playdough and on and on...lots and lots
> and lots. I never wanted to limit them in their use of supplies - mix and
> match style! So we often had all KINDS of combinations of stuff out all at
> the same time and they were always in the middle of a bunch of creations.
>
> Make it possible for stuff to be "out" but also out of the way. I
> eventually learned to use perfectly clear plastic boxes - not cardboard and
> only clear see-through. And not really big ones - nothing too big for a
> child to pick up comfortably. If we needed to clear some space to make room
> for some other activity - stuff could just be dumped into the clear boxes -
> not organized, just dropped in. I would just say, "Here, let's put ALL this
> stuff into these boxes and the kids would usually help because it was super
> super quick. "I" could go through the boxes if I wanted to do that, at my
> leisure, but the kids could just dump everything - trash included (a very
> very fine line exists between trash and collaging materials, by the way).
> The clear boxes make it a lot easier to remember what was likely to be in
> each one to find stuff fast, later. And the boxes can be stacked up in a
> corner. I'd go through the boxes and pull out the markers and crayons and
> scissors and hole punches and so on - the "tools" - and usually put all
> those into one box to be easily found. Sometimes I'd pull all the full
> sheets of paper out and put all those into one box - construction paper and
> printer paper, etc. And if I was REALLY feeling ambitious I would pull out
> all the larger scraps of paper and put all those into one box. If there was
> fabric or yarn involved in some of the boxes, I'd sometimes put all that
> into one. But, really, most of the time the boxes were just filled with
> completely unorganized stuff - that totally appeared to be organized
> because it was contained and stacked.
>
> -pam
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Apr 11, 2012, at 8:22 PM, catherinemforest wrote:
Yes, do. Invite them to help. And then thank them as sincerely as you would the friend.
My mother had chores when she was a kid and was determined not to do that to her kids. So there was a clear separation between her life and ours: she kept house, we played. Which was great! The only thing was, I think she expected us to voluntarily help when we were older. But housework was all peripheral to my sister and me, happening while we played. And there wasn't much of a connection between the adult and child worlds so that helping felt awkward. Sort of like it wouldn't occur to you to help behind the counter at a diner.
Depending on the age and their ability, it's helpful to give them very specific tasks, like put the scissors in the drawer. Cleaning the table might be too big and vague. Until my daughter was 12ish, messes looked like an amorphous blob and it overwhelmed her. If you can break it down for them, that can help.
And if it isn't something they can say no to -- if you're stuck in a bind and need some immediate help -- don't frame it as a question. Let them know you need the help. And, again, specific tasks.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Also, do any of you ask your children to clean with you?Would you ask another adult to help?
> Or you just do it and if they help, fine, but if they don't, you're OK with this too?
> Do you say: could you please clean the table while I finish making dinner, please? Or you just do it?
Yes, do. Invite them to help. And then thank them as sincerely as you would the friend.
My mother had chores when she was a kid and was determined not to do that to her kids. So there was a clear separation between her life and ours: she kept house, we played. Which was great! The only thing was, I think she expected us to voluntarily help when we were older. But housework was all peripheral to my sister and me, happening while we played. And there wasn't much of a connection between the adult and child worlds so that helping felt awkward. Sort of like it wouldn't occur to you to help behind the counter at a diner.
Depending on the age and their ability, it's helpful to give them very specific tasks, like put the scissors in the drawer. Cleaning the table might be too big and vague. Until my daughter was 12ish, messes looked like an amorphous blob and it overwhelmed her. If you can break it down for them, that can help.
And if it isn't something they can say no to -- if you're stuck in a bind and need some immediate help -- don't frame it as a question. Let them know you need the help. And, again, specific tasks.
Joyce
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Sandra Dodd
-=-Another thing that has helped in our house is I have finally learned how to play with my kids. Today they talked me into actually playing lazer tag with them. In the past I have just watched. I can not believe how much fun I had. I play with them then when they are off on their own I have time to organize which is something I enjoy doing.--=-
http://sandradodd.com/playing has ideas for people who are awkward at playing.
Sandra
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http://sandradodd.com/playing has ideas for people who are awkward at playing.
Sandra
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catherinemforest
Wow! Such amazing ideas here, as usual! Breaking down the tasks is a good idea when I really need their help. I listened to Sandra's wonderful talk that she suggested to me (at the bottom of the page:http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully) and it really hit home. I love how she says that when you feel about to get mad, pull the child close to you, smell their hair and that this will connect you to who this little person is... I had tears in my eyes in many moments while listening to this talk. I highly recommend it to other moms.
Thank you all for your wonderful support, this is exactly what I needed to move on on our unschooling journey towards more peaceful parenting!
Thank you all for your wonderful support, this is exactly what I needed to move on on our unschooling journey towards more peaceful parenting!
Sue
--- In [email protected], "catherinemforest" <cforest@...> wrote:
If I ask, I ask before I am feeling really beleaguered so that I can make my request lightly and without pressure. Often one of the two is willing to help; sometimes neither is. I pay attention to what chores they like to do and what they don't like to do, and I more frequently ask for help with the former. (My son likes to unload the silverware from the dishwasher, probably because it's not a lot of walking around or reaching up high; my daughter likes to unload all the clean dishes but doesn't like loading the dirty ones.)
Sue Sullivan
> Also, do any of you ask your children to clean with you? Or you just do it and if they help, fine, but if they don't, you're OK with this too? Do you say: could you please clean the table while I finish making dinner, please? Or you just do it?Whether I ask for help varies depending on if I'm feeling pressed or overwhelmed, and lately, whether my daughter is bored. At 13, she is more and more interested in doing what could be considered chores -- gardening work, kitchen cleaning, organizing -- so if she says she is bored, I'll throw out suggestions of things we can do and include some chores that are on my list, as well as things that are pure fun.
>
If I ask, I ask before I am feeling really beleaguered so that I can make my request lightly and without pressure. Often one of the two is willing to help; sometimes neither is. I pay attention to what chores they like to do and what they don't like to do, and I more frequently ask for help with the former. (My son likes to unload the silverware from the dishwasher, probably because it's not a lot of walking around or reaching up high; my daughter likes to unload all the clean dishes but doesn't like loading the dirty ones.)
Sue Sullivan
Meredith
Joyce Fetteroll <jfetteroll@...> wrote:
I'll add the caveat of: make sure the kids know you're asking! When Ray was still deschooling, we realized he was so used to be "asked" - in the way that's not really a question, but a demand - that he didn't feel safe saying no. So we stopped asking at all for awhile and let him have time to heal from that.
---Meredith
>> Would you ask another adult to help?***************
>
> Yes, do. Invite them to help. And then thank them as sincerely as you would the friend.
I'll add the caveat of: make sure the kids know you're asking! When Ray was still deschooling, we realized he was so used to be "asked" - in the way that's not really a question, but a demand - that he didn't feel safe saying no. So we stopped asking at all for awhile and let him have time to heal from that.
---Meredith