leaving the house/not leaving the house
teresa
Hello all--
We have been deschooling/unschooling for the past 6 months. I have a 5 yo daughter and a 9 month old daughter and my current struggle revolves around leaving the house. I enjoy leaving the house everyday, or most everyday. It doesn't have to be anything special, I just enjoy the change of scenery, the social aspect, the fresh air. It helps my state of mind and my mood, I feel happier getting out and about a bit. My DD1 often does not want to leave, unless it is for something arranged for her--a karate class or playdate, etc, then she is ready and willing to go. I try to offer suggestions that she might enjoy--going to the park, the beach, to get a cookie at the coffeeshop, children's museum, etc, but she generally resists. She wants to be home--doing art, watching movies, playing make-believe, etc. I enjoy spending most of the day at home, too, but if I am indoors all day, I get antsy and feel isolated. Inviting people over works, and I do that as often as I can. But on days when we have nothing planned, I enjoy going out. Lately she is resisting more and more, though if we do leave, as soon as she is out the door, she is enjoying herself. It is the decision to leave where the power struggle occurs. If it is my idea, she resists it. She wants it to be her choice, she wants to feel in control. But I don't think it is too much to ask her to leave the house to do something we both find enjoyable! Yet, she really resists. I am not sure why the power-struggle occurs in this particular area, but I have the feeling there is a bigger picture I am not fully seeing, that is why I am writing here.
Any suggestions to help me work with this dynamic would be appreciated.
Thanks so much--
Teresa
We have been deschooling/unschooling for the past 6 months. I have a 5 yo daughter and a 9 month old daughter and my current struggle revolves around leaving the house. I enjoy leaving the house everyday, or most everyday. It doesn't have to be anything special, I just enjoy the change of scenery, the social aspect, the fresh air. It helps my state of mind and my mood, I feel happier getting out and about a bit. My DD1 often does not want to leave, unless it is for something arranged for her--a karate class or playdate, etc, then she is ready and willing to go. I try to offer suggestions that she might enjoy--going to the park, the beach, to get a cookie at the coffeeshop, children's museum, etc, but she generally resists. She wants to be home--doing art, watching movies, playing make-believe, etc. I enjoy spending most of the day at home, too, but if I am indoors all day, I get antsy and feel isolated. Inviting people over works, and I do that as often as I can. But on days when we have nothing planned, I enjoy going out. Lately she is resisting more and more, though if we do leave, as soon as she is out the door, she is enjoying herself. It is the decision to leave where the power struggle occurs. If it is my idea, she resists it. She wants it to be her choice, she wants to feel in control. But I don't think it is too much to ask her to leave the house to do something we both find enjoyable! Yet, she really resists. I am not sure why the power-struggle occurs in this particular area, but I have the feeling there is a bigger picture I am not fully seeing, that is why I am writing here.
Any suggestions to help me work with this dynamic would be appreciated.
Thanks so much--
Teresa
Pam Sorooshian
On Mon, Feb 20, 2012 at 7:03 PM, teresa <teresaaregan@...> wrote:
for 6 months - given your oldest child is only 5 yo now. So - first, what
have you been doing that was not unschooling? (This behavior is probably a
leftover from that, right?
Lots of people do NOT at all want to go out of the house every day. It
doesn't seem fair to force them - I mean, why does your itch to go out
supersede her urge to stay home? From her point of view, if she was older
and more articulate, she could say, "I don't think it seems too much to ask
that we not go out every day."
You wrote a lot to convince us that she was being unreasonable, but it
wasn't all that convincing and the fact that you felt so much need to
justify yourself makes me think you sort of knew that.
So - I think you're correct that it IS a power struggle that you're caught
up in.
Once you're engaged in a power struggle, I think the only rational way to
make it stop is to stop. I mean - stop engaging in it. Think of it like the
two of you pulling in opposite directions on a rope, like in tug-of-war.
There is no way to stop unless one (or both) of you just let loose of the
rope.
My suggestion is that you give up your idea of going out when YOU want to
go out - give it six months - she'll be older and things change. You could,
at most, very sweetly and gently make a mild statement..."We could go get
cookies," but don't follow up and don't make it any stronger than that. Be
totally and thoroughly happy that you have the freedom to support your
child's interest in being at home. And put your focus on making your home
the best place in the world to be - do things to help yourself enjoy it
more (if you have a back yard or patio or balcony - make that more
conveniently usable in some way so you can get outdoors more).
If you really need more socializing time, in addition to inviting people
over a bit more often, make plans for a regular time slot to go out on your
own with friends (on an evening when your spouse is home or someone else
can be with the kids...however that works for you). Even if you're getting
out less, knowing that for sure you ARE going to go out and be with people
can help ease that discomfort due to lack of social contact that a more
extroverted person might feel.
I had this problem because my middle child was the stay-at-home type. Not
only did "I" want to go out more, so did my older child - a LOT more.
I learned, though, to value long uninterrupted hours of play - and I
learned to protect that for my kids. For my middle daughter, going out,
even to do something fun (and she'd make the best of it if we did go), was
disruptive to her day.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> >>>We have been deschooling/unschooling for the past 6 months. I have a 5I'm not sure I know what you mean when you say you've been "deschooling"
> yo daughter and a 9 month old daughter and my current struggle revolves
> around leaving the house.>>>
for 6 months - given your oldest child is only 5 yo now. So - first, what
have you been doing that was not unschooling? (This behavior is probably a
leftover from that, right?
Lots of people do NOT at all want to go out of the house every day. It
doesn't seem fair to force them - I mean, why does your itch to go out
supersede her urge to stay home? From her point of view, if she was older
and more articulate, she could say, "I don't think it seems too much to ask
that we not go out every day."
You wrote a lot to convince us that she was being unreasonable, but it
wasn't all that convincing and the fact that you felt so much need to
justify yourself makes me think you sort of knew that.
So - I think you're correct that it IS a power struggle that you're caught
up in.
Once you're engaged in a power struggle, I think the only rational way to
make it stop is to stop. I mean - stop engaging in it. Think of it like the
two of you pulling in opposite directions on a rope, like in tug-of-war.
There is no way to stop unless one (or both) of you just let loose of the
rope.
My suggestion is that you give up your idea of going out when YOU want to
go out - give it six months - she'll be older and things change. You could,
at most, very sweetly and gently make a mild statement..."We could go get
cookies," but don't follow up and don't make it any stronger than that. Be
totally and thoroughly happy that you have the freedom to support your
child's interest in being at home. And put your focus on making your home
the best place in the world to be - do things to help yourself enjoy it
more (if you have a back yard or patio or balcony - make that more
conveniently usable in some way so you can get outdoors more).
If you really need more socializing time, in addition to inviting people
over a bit more often, make plans for a regular time slot to go out on your
own with friends (on an evening when your spouse is home or someone else
can be with the kids...however that works for you). Even if you're getting
out less, knowing that for sure you ARE going to go out and be with people
can help ease that discomfort due to lack of social contact that a more
extroverted person might feel.
I had this problem because my middle child was the stay-at-home type. Not
only did "I" want to go out more, so did my older child - a LOT more.
I learned, though, to value long uninterrupted hours of play - and I
learned to protect that for my kids. For my middle daughter, going out,
even to do something fun (and she'd make the best of it if we did go), was
disruptive to her day.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
teresa
++++++++++++++My suggestion is that you give up your idea of going out when YOU want to go out...Be totally and thoroughly happy that you have the freedom to support your child's interest in being at home. And put your focus on making your home the best place in the world to be.++++++++
Thank you. When I read your words, I feel a big exhalation inside me, a sigh of relief, a knowing that your suggestion to give up my idea of what I want is where I will find true ease and joy, and bring that ease and joy into our home and into my children's lives. I can put the energy that was going into holding my end of the tug-of-war rope, locked up in the power struggle, into making my home the best place in the world to be! What a wonderful place for that energy to go! Even now, I get excited thinking about the possibilities for how to do just that! Funny how I was *this* close to knowing it for myself, but I still needed to hear it from you to make it really clear. Probably partly leftover from my school days, waiting to hear from an authority to affirm what I know inside to be true. I am so grateful to have access to the wisdom and experience of the posters on this forum to help support me on my way.
Many thanks,
Teresa
Thank you. When I read your words, I feel a big exhalation inside me, a sigh of relief, a knowing that your suggestion to give up my idea of what I want is where I will find true ease and joy, and bring that ease and joy into our home and into my children's lives. I can put the energy that was going into holding my end of the tug-of-war rope, locked up in the power struggle, into making my home the best place in the world to be! What a wonderful place for that energy to go! Even now, I get excited thinking about the possibilities for how to do just that! Funny how I was *this* close to knowing it for myself, but I still needed to hear it from you to make it really clear. Probably partly leftover from my school days, waiting to hear from an authority to affirm what I know inside to be true. I am so grateful to have access to the wisdom and experience of the posters on this forum to help support me on my way.
Many thanks,
Teresa
[email protected]
Hi Pam
could you explain to me how you helped your children find a solution if one of them wanted to go out and the other one wanted to stay at home? It sounds as if you mostly stayed at home. Is that correct? What about the other child then? Did you have a babysitter/helper? Really interested in hearing your answer.
Bettina
could you explain to me how you helped your children find a solution if one of them wanted to go out and the other one wanted to stay at home? It sounds as if you mostly stayed at home. Is that correct? What about the other child then? Did you have a babysitter/helper? Really interested in hearing your answer.
Bettina
> I had this problem because my middle child was the stay-at-home type. Not
> only did "I" want to go out more, so did my older child - a LOT more.
>
> I learned, though, to value long uninterrupted hours of play - and I
> learned to protect that for my kids. For my middle daughter, going out,
> even to do something fun (and she'd make the best of it if we did go), was
> disruptive to her day.
zurro
It took me a long time to accept that Caitlyn, my 5 yo wants to spend a lot of time at home. I had to let go of controlling what I thought was "good" for her or all the "shoulds" that we think children are supposed to be doing like going to museums, parks, etc.
I've learned to embrace that she just likes staying home a lot. She is a huge Pokemon fan so a lot of the things that are important to her regarding Pokemon are on the Wii or the computer. But, knowing she likes to be home doesn't mean I don't ask if she would like to do other things, I just stay ready to accept it if she says she isn't interested.
When I start to get itchy to get out and she doesn't want to go then I wait until my husband gets home to do grocery shopping, errands, or free time.
Laura Z
I've learned to embrace that she just likes staying home a lot. She is a huge Pokemon fan so a lot of the things that are important to her regarding Pokemon are on the Wii or the computer. But, knowing she likes to be home doesn't mean I don't ask if she would like to do other things, I just stay ready to accept it if she says she isn't interested.
When I start to get itchy to get out and she doesn't want to go then I wait until my husband gets home to do grocery shopping, errands, or free time.
Laura Z
--- In [email protected], "teresa" <teresaaregan@...> wrote:
>
> Hello all--
>
> We have been deschooling/unschooling for the past 6 months. I have a 5 yo daughter and a 9 month old daughter and my current struggle revolves around leaving the house. I enjoy leaving the house everyday, or most everyday. It doesn't have to be anything special, I just enjoy the change of scenery, the social aspect, the fresh air. It helps my state of mind and my mood, I feel happier getting out and about a bit. My DD1 often does not want to leave, unless it is for something arranged for her--a karate class or playdate, etc, then she is ready and willing to go. I try to offer suggestions that she might enjoy--going to the park, the beach, to get a cookie at the coffeeshop, children's museum, etc, but she generally resists. She wants to be home--doing art, watching movies, playing make-believe, etc. I enjoy spending most of the day at home, too, but if I am indoors all day, I get antsy and feel isolated. Inviting people over works, and I do that as often as I can. But on days when we have nothing planned, I enjoy going out. Lately she is resisting more and more, though if we do leave, as soon as she is out the door, she is enjoying herself. It is the decision to leave where the power struggle occurs. If it is my idea, she resists it. She wants it to be her choice, she wants to feel in control. But I don't think it is too much to ask her to leave the house to do something we both find enjoyable! Yet, she really resists. I am not sure why the power-struggle occurs in this particular area, but I have the feeling there is a bigger picture I am not fully seeing, that is why I am writing here.
>
> Any suggestions to help me work with this dynamic would be appreciated.
>
> Thanks so much--
> Teresa
>
Pam Sorooshian
On Tue, Feb 21, 2012 at 4:47 AM, jumping.higher@... <
jumping.higher@...> wrote:
wanted to do a lot. If I had it to do over, I'd stay home way more.
But, what I did with my middle daughter was sort of take her own "space"
with us. I took a blanket and a crate full of her stuff. We'd set up her
own private space somewhere - and she would spend a fair amount of time on
her own there, joining in with playing with other kids only when she wanted.
Also, she had a really close friend and would be happy to spend the day at
her house, so she sometimes did that instead of traipsing around town with
us.
And then we also invited people to our house a LOT - so my oldest daughter
had friends around and my middle daughter could go off in her room and hang
out as much as she wanted.
a lot and sometimes for one kid while the mom takes other kids out. Seems
to work well for them - he enjoys having my daughter there and enjoys the
solitude and time away from siblings, too, I think.
Oh - I also let my oldest daughter go out with other families a lot - she
really wanted to do everything and go everywhere. She was enjoyable and
well behaved, so people were often willing or even eager to take her along.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
jumping.higher@...> wrote:
> could you explain to me how you helped your children find a solution ifNo - we went out a lot. REALLY a lot. My oldest was extremely social and
> one of them wanted to go out and the other one wanted to stay at home? It
> sounds as if you mostly stayed at home. Is that correct?
wanted to do a lot. If I had it to do over, I'd stay home way more.
But, what I did with my middle daughter was sort of take her own "space"
with us. I took a blanket and a crate full of her stuff. We'd set up her
own private space somewhere - and she would spend a fair amount of time on
her own there, joining in with playing with other kids only when she wanted.
Also, she had a really close friend and would be happy to spend the day at
her house, so she sometimes did that instead of traipsing around town with
us.
And then we also invited people to our house a LOT - so my oldest daughter
had friends around and my middle daughter could go off in her room and hang
out as much as she wanted.
> What about the other child then? Did you have a babysitter/helper? ReallyNo - didn't have babysitter/helper, myself, but now my 21-year old babysits
> interested in hearing your answer.
a lot and sometimes for one kid while the mom takes other kids out. Seems
to work well for them - he enjoys having my daughter there and enjoys the
solitude and time away from siblings, too, I think.
Oh - I also let my oldest daughter go out with other families a lot - she
really wanted to do everything and go everywhere. She was enjoyable and
well behaved, so people were often willing or even eager to take her along.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
Connie Coyle wrote something really good on facebook recently, and let me save it. I haven't finished or announced the page yet, but it's here:
http://sandradodd.com/being/home
Maybe I'll add something from this discussion. :-)
Sandra
http://sandradodd.com/being/home
Maybe I'll add something from this discussion. :-)
Sandra
Meredith
"jumping.higher@..." <jumping.higher@...> wrote:
It helps to step away from the idea of "a" solution and toward having a bunch of useful tools and options.
There was a time when Mo didn't want to go out much and Ray wanted to go out a Lot - and she wasn't ready to be home alone. I'd arrange for him to go on day trips with other people, have overnights with friends, that sort of thing, so Mo could stay home. I'd arrange for him to do things in the evenings and on weekends so one parent could be home with Mo. And sometimes I'd load up the car with lots of Morgan's favorite things so she could nest in the car while Ray did something social - movies and toys, blankets and plenty of snacks. Sometimes she even wanted to go out! but that was most likely when he'd been gone a lot with other people and she had time to recharge her "introvert batteries" as it were.
---Meredith
> could you explain to me how you helped your children find a solution if one of them wanted to go out and the other one wanted to stay at home?*****************
It helps to step away from the idea of "a" solution and toward having a bunch of useful tools and options.
There was a time when Mo didn't want to go out much and Ray wanted to go out a Lot - and she wasn't ready to be home alone. I'd arrange for him to go on day trips with other people, have overnights with friends, that sort of thing, so Mo could stay home. I'd arrange for him to do things in the evenings and on weekends so one parent could be home with Mo. And sometimes I'd load up the car with lots of Morgan's favorite things so she could nest in the car while Ray did something social - movies and toys, blankets and plenty of snacks. Sometimes she even wanted to go out! but that was most likely when he'd been gone a lot with other people and she had time to recharge her "introvert batteries" as it were.
---Meredith
natarsha
--"I enjoy leaving the house everyday - the change of scenery, the social aspect, the fresh air."--
As Pam mentioned, making your home more enjoyable for yourself may (probably will) help. I find going outside to play with our dogs and let the chooks out to be the revival I need to shake off stifled feelings... Also hopping into bed to read a book at any time of day or night, or a picnic in Bella's room! If possible, phone a friend for a chat.
--"My DD1 often does not want to leave - She wants to be home - Inviting people over works, and I do that as often as I can. - Lately she is resisting more and more - I am not sure why the power-struggle occurs in this particular area..."
My girls have not wanted their grandmother (with whom they are very close) to come over at times as they feel they have less of my attention... When you go out, I'd imagine there is time spent getting ready, ensuring you have everything (especially with a baby), unpacking when you're back home and all other attention focused elsewhere when out and about. Your eldest may be feeling that home is where she gets more of your attention and given a baby 9 months old there would have been some or a lot of one-on-one time that no longer is possible for her as well.
"I can put the energy that was going into holding my end of the tug-of-war rope, locked up in the power struggle, into making my home the best place in the world to be! What a wonderful place for that energy to go! Even now, I get excited thinking about the possibilities for how to do just that!"
Look at your children and they will show you just how to... If she is interested in watching videos, make a monkey platter and watch with her; painting: paint with her, make hand-prints all three of you then stick them on the wall starting your art collage of memories, google fun and different ways to paint; play make-believe, play with her, dress baby up or make her part of your make-believe (she could be the big scary monster you are hiding from), pop on some music and dance while make-believing, stretch your mind and think of how you can really be a great person to make-believe with. Just focus on them, look at what is interesting them at the moment, expand that whenever and wherever you can and bring in new things that you think may be of interest for them or that you found interesting and want to share that with them... Your giving them the gift of wonder then...
As Pam mentioned, making your home more enjoyable for yourself may (probably will) help. I find going outside to play with our dogs and let the chooks out to be the revival I need to shake off stifled feelings... Also hopping into bed to read a book at any time of day or night, or a picnic in Bella's room! If possible, phone a friend for a chat.
--"My DD1 often does not want to leave - She wants to be home - Inviting people over works, and I do that as often as I can. - Lately she is resisting more and more - I am not sure why the power-struggle occurs in this particular area..."
My girls have not wanted their grandmother (with whom they are very close) to come over at times as they feel they have less of my attention... When you go out, I'd imagine there is time spent getting ready, ensuring you have everything (especially with a baby), unpacking when you're back home and all other attention focused elsewhere when out and about. Your eldest may be feeling that home is where she gets more of your attention and given a baby 9 months old there would have been some or a lot of one-on-one time that no longer is possible for her as well.
"I can put the energy that was going into holding my end of the tug-of-war rope, locked up in the power struggle, into making my home the best place in the world to be! What a wonderful place for that energy to go! Even now, I get excited thinking about the possibilities for how to do just that!"
Look at your children and they will show you just how to... If she is interested in watching videos, make a monkey platter and watch with her; painting: paint with her, make hand-prints all three of you then stick them on the wall starting your art collage of memories, google fun and different ways to paint; play make-believe, play with her, dress baby up or make her part of your make-believe (she could be the big scary monster you are hiding from), pop on some music and dance while make-believing, stretch your mind and think of how you can really be a great person to make-believe with. Just focus on them, look at what is interesting them at the moment, expand that whenever and wherever you can and bring in new things that you think may be of interest for them or that you found interesting and want to share that with them... Your giving them the gift of wonder then...
[email protected]
Hi everybody
thanks for the ideas. I really like the one about "taking a child's own space with her", that's really cool.
Bettina
- In [email protected], Pam Sorooshian <pamsoroosh@...> wrote:
thanks for the ideas. I really like the one about "taking a child's own space with her", that's really cool.
Bettina
- In [email protected], Pam Sorooshian <pamsoroosh@...> wrote:
>
> On Tue, Feb 21, 2012 at 4:47 AM, jumping.higher@... <
> jumping.higher@...> wrote:
>
> > could you explain to me how you helped your children find a solution if
> > one of them wanted to go out and the other one wanted to stay at home? It
> > sounds as if you mostly stayed at home. Is that correct?
>