sibling disrespect
Karen
i've been reading posts here for a couple years and have greatly benefited.
I want to find web info/book or opinions on here about what to do when my son does not change his disrespectful behavior of his younger siblings. He is 11, sister almost 9 and brother 3.
If he is not engaged in his projects, he plays with younger brother ( which of course I want) but his play is rough and encouraging him to do the wrong things........like go scratch sister. Sometimes he play taps him on the head but a little too hard and then says sorry quickly like he didn't mean to hit him too hard. Always little things. Then calling him sister names like butthead. Am I overreacting to an 11 your old boy? When we talk about this it doesn't change. I'm tempted to fall back on conventional tactics like taking away computer or sending him to his room. What are the other options? This is not new........it is ongoing but seems to be worse now becuase of being indoors. I can't seem to find enough to keep him engaged and excited.
Thanks
Karen
I want to find web info/book or opinions on here about what to do when my son does not change his disrespectful behavior of his younger siblings. He is 11, sister almost 9 and brother 3.
If he is not engaged in his projects, he plays with younger brother ( which of course I want) but his play is rough and encouraging him to do the wrong things........like go scratch sister. Sometimes he play taps him on the head but a little too hard and then says sorry quickly like he didn't mean to hit him too hard. Always little things. Then calling him sister names like butthead. Am I overreacting to an 11 your old boy? When we talk about this it doesn't change. I'm tempted to fall back on conventional tactics like taking away computer or sending him to his room. What are the other options? This is not new........it is ongoing but seems to be worse now becuase of being indoors. I can't seem to find enough to keep him engaged and excited.
Thanks
Karen
Sandra Dodd
-=I want to find web info/book or opinions on here about what to do when my son does not change his disrespectful behavior of his younger siblings. He is 11, sister almost 9 and brother 3.-=-
"She needs to be safe in her own home."
That's the message I used with my kids.
You could tell him to play things that don't involve physical contact, but he's going to need some kind of large-muscle, active play, probably, if he's a very physical kid.
http://sandradodd.com/physicality/
Get out of the house more, for one thing, if you can. Kids cooped up get restless.
-=- Sometimes he play taps him on the head but a little too hard and then says sorry quickly like he didn't mean to hit him too hard. Always little things. Then calling him sister names like butthead. Am I overreacting to an 11 your old boy? -=-
Maybe.
If he were in school, would he be thumping other boys on the head and getting in trouble with the teachers? (Or not getting caught?) It's not an action he's doing because he's unschooled. :-)
Rather than comparing him with an ideal perfect child, look at what might be better or worse for him if he were in school, or if you were doing school at home.
-=-I'm tempted to fall back on conventional tactics like taking away computer or sending him to his room. What are the other options?-=-
Finding interesting things for the other kids to do and telling him to leave them alone can be a peacemaking, safety-aiding move. Nothing is permanent or long term, but peace for an hour helps set a pattern or example for the next hour.
In case you haven't seen this (or haven't seen it lately), there might be an idea or two you could use:
http://sandradodd.com/peace/fighting
Also, to expect an 11 year old boy to "respect" younger siblings might be too lofty a goal. But to give them a safe, peaceful space isn't. He doesn't have to like them (respect them) but you as their mom need to insure their safety.
There is a list somewhere (Pam? I don't know where) of alternatives to spankings and time outs but this morning at 4:39 I can't think of how to find it. ;-)
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
"She needs to be safe in her own home."
That's the message I used with my kids.
You could tell him to play things that don't involve physical contact, but he's going to need some kind of large-muscle, active play, probably, if he's a very physical kid.
http://sandradodd.com/physicality/
Get out of the house more, for one thing, if you can. Kids cooped up get restless.
-=- Sometimes he play taps him on the head but a little too hard and then says sorry quickly like he didn't mean to hit him too hard. Always little things. Then calling him sister names like butthead. Am I overreacting to an 11 your old boy? -=-
Maybe.
If he were in school, would he be thumping other boys on the head and getting in trouble with the teachers? (Or not getting caught?) It's not an action he's doing because he's unschooled. :-)
Rather than comparing him with an ideal perfect child, look at what might be better or worse for him if he were in school, or if you were doing school at home.
-=-I'm tempted to fall back on conventional tactics like taking away computer or sending him to his room. What are the other options?-=-
Finding interesting things for the other kids to do and telling him to leave them alone can be a peacemaking, safety-aiding move. Nothing is permanent or long term, but peace for an hour helps set a pattern or example for the next hour.
In case you haven't seen this (or haven't seen it lately), there might be an idea or two you could use:
http://sandradodd.com/peace/fighting
Also, to expect an 11 year old boy to "respect" younger siblings might be too lofty a goal. But to give them a safe, peaceful space isn't. He doesn't have to like them (respect them) but you as their mom need to insure their safety.
There is a list somewhere (Pam? I don't know where) of alternatives to spankings and time outs but this morning at 4:39 I can't think of how to find it. ;-)
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
"Karen" <bestmassage@...> wrote:
Get involved sooner - spend more time with your kids, in the same room, hanging out, playing and talking and doing things with them. It may be your son is bored and needs help finding other things to do. It may be he's not very good with little kids and needs help remembering that 3yos don't have the same skills and understanding as 11yos. It may be that he needs help keeping the 3yo from driving him batty! But you can only help if you're right there.
http://www.renegadejuggling.com/
Balloons are a good way to have safe, active indoor fun - balloon soccer or volley or even good old balloon stomp can be a good time.
A book of party games might be helpful for you. Games like "mummy wrap" or "blind man's bluff" can be fun with a range of ages like you have, and it saves you from having to come up with something on the spur of the moment. When you notice the kids getting antagonistic, pull out a book of games or projects and start making suggestions.
Look over Sandra's page of strewing ideas with this in mind - things to have handy to suggest to brighten up an hour which could too easily turn into a lot of "I said Stop It!":
http://sandradodd.com/strewing
---Meredith
>> I want to find web info/book or opinions on here about what to do when my son does not change his disrespectful behavior...**************
Get involved sooner - spend more time with your kids, in the same room, hanging out, playing and talking and doing things with them. It may be your son is bored and needs help finding other things to do. It may be he's not very good with little kids and needs help remembering that 3yos don't have the same skills and understanding as 11yos. It may be that he needs help keeping the 3yo from driving him batty! But you can only help if you're right there.
>> I can't seem to find enough to keep him engaged and excited.Look harder! Get the kids out of the house more often, perhaps - even a trip to a McD's playland to run off a little steam, or a trip to the store with two of them can help. If he's playing "too rough" then chances are he needs more ways to be physical. Would he like a punching bag? Some juggling scarves or diablos? I have juggling toys on the mind since Rengade Juggling just updated their website - maybe you can find something fun for your guy(s):
http://www.renegadejuggling.com/
Balloons are a good way to have safe, active indoor fun - balloon soccer or volley or even good old balloon stomp can be a good time.
A book of party games might be helpful for you. Games like "mummy wrap" or "blind man's bluff" can be fun with a range of ages like you have, and it saves you from having to come up with something on the spur of the moment. When you notice the kids getting antagonistic, pull out a book of games or projects and start making suggestions.
Look over Sandra's page of strewing ideas with this in mind - things to have handy to suggest to brighten up an hour which could too easily turn into a lot of "I said Stop It!":
http://sandradodd.com/strewing
---Meredith
Pam Sorooshian
Maybe he is a very social child and needs much more hang out time with
other kids closer to his age. My 11 yo kids, each at that age, would have
not been happy spending a lot of time on their own or with their sisters
(older or younger). My oldest, especially, needed a LOT of time with other
kids - tons and tons more than I'd have thought. Things went a lot smoother
when my oldest had a friend over to hang out.
If he's not feeling engaged in stuff going on around the house - not super
involved in things he has available, that's when your role as an
unschooling parent becomes really really important. Pay attention to what
DOES absorb him. What lights him up? Think about what it is about it that
he enjoys. Do two things (or more) -- jazz up his experience of that thing
and find other things that might offer a similar kind of experience. For
example, if building with Legos was one of the things he DOES get absorbed
and engaged in --- get more legos and get the robotic stuff and subscribe
to lego magazine and --- well, people here can tell you all the lego
"expansions" there are. Start planning a trip to Legoland in Southern
California (there are homeschool days). So that's the "jazz it up" part.
The second thing is to notice that he really likes building stuff. So think
about what else he might like that is building-related - Home Depot does
workshops for kids about building things like birdhouses. Minecraft is ALL
about building cool stuff. Anyway - just examples of what I mean by "jazz
it up" and "extend it."
Anyway - a 3 yo is likely pestering the 11 yo and really interfering with
his peace. Be aware of that and protect the 11 yo's stuff and his quiet and
make sure he is getting attention paid to his needs. It doesn't mean the 11
yo won't love the 3 yo, but that's a big age difference and an 11 yo boy
may very understandably not have much patience for a 3 yo's behavior. It
doesn't sound like "disrespectful" behavior to me - it sounds like annoyed
and irritated and maybe actually angry behavior.
That's not a reason for you to tolerate it, so you still must insist that
each person is safe in your home. But I wonder, do you sympathize with him
about the little child being demanding and irritating and underfoot and so
on? Or do you try to pretend it ain't so?
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
other kids closer to his age. My 11 yo kids, each at that age, would have
not been happy spending a lot of time on their own or with their sisters
(older or younger). My oldest, especially, needed a LOT of time with other
kids - tons and tons more than I'd have thought. Things went a lot smoother
when my oldest had a friend over to hang out.
If he's not feeling engaged in stuff going on around the house - not super
involved in things he has available, that's when your role as an
unschooling parent becomes really really important. Pay attention to what
DOES absorb him. What lights him up? Think about what it is about it that
he enjoys. Do two things (or more) -- jazz up his experience of that thing
and find other things that might offer a similar kind of experience. For
example, if building with Legos was one of the things he DOES get absorbed
and engaged in --- get more legos and get the robotic stuff and subscribe
to lego magazine and --- well, people here can tell you all the lego
"expansions" there are. Start planning a trip to Legoland in Southern
California (there are homeschool days). So that's the "jazz it up" part.
The second thing is to notice that he really likes building stuff. So think
about what else he might like that is building-related - Home Depot does
workshops for kids about building things like birdhouses. Minecraft is ALL
about building cool stuff. Anyway - just examples of what I mean by "jazz
it up" and "extend it."
Anyway - a 3 yo is likely pestering the 11 yo and really interfering with
his peace. Be aware of that and protect the 11 yo's stuff and his quiet and
make sure he is getting attention paid to his needs. It doesn't mean the 11
yo won't love the 3 yo, but that's a big age difference and an 11 yo boy
may very understandably not have much patience for a 3 yo's behavior. It
doesn't sound like "disrespectful" behavior to me - it sounds like annoyed
and irritated and maybe actually angry behavior.
That's not a reason for you to tolerate it, so you still must insist that
each person is safe in your home. But I wonder, do you sympathize with him
about the little child being demanding and irritating and underfoot and so
on? Or do you try to pretend it ain't so?
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Ann-Marie
I remember reading an alternative to spankings etc on jan hunt's natural child project website. Not sure if that's the one you meant but it's a good list.
Ann-Marie
Ann-Marie
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
> -=I want to find web info/book or opinions on here about what to do when my son does not change his disrespectful behavior of his younger siblings. He is 11, sister almost 9 and brother 3.-=-
>
> "She needs to be safe in her own home."
> That's the message I used with my kids.
>
> You could tell him to play things that don't involve physical contact, but he's going to need some kind of large-muscle, active play, probably, if he's a very physical kid.
> http://sandradodd.com/physicality/
>
> Get out of the house more, for one thing, if you can. Kids cooped up get restless.
>
> -=- Sometimes he play taps him on the head but a little too hard and then says sorry quickly like he didn't mean to hit him too hard. Always little things. Then calling him sister names like butthead. Am I overreacting to an 11 your old boy? -=-
>
> Maybe.
>
> If he were in school, would he be thumping other boys on the head and getting in trouble with the teachers? (Or not getting caught?) It's not an action he's doing because he's unschooled. :-)
>
> Rather than comparing him with an ideal perfect child, look at what might be better or worse for him if he were in school, or if you were doing school at home.
>
> -=-I'm tempted to fall back on conventional tactics like taking away computer or sending him to his room. What are the other options?-=-
>
> Finding interesting things for the other kids to do and telling him to leave them alone can be a peacemaking, safety-aiding move. Nothing is permanent or long term, but peace for an hour helps set a pattern or example for the next hour.
>
> In case you haven't seen this (or haven't seen it lately), there might be an idea or two you could use:
>
> http://sandradodd.com/peace/fighting
>
> Also, to expect an 11 year old boy to "respect" younger siblings might be too lofty a goal. But to give them a safe, peaceful space isn't. He doesn't have to like them (respect them) but you as their mom need to insure their safety.
>
> There is a list somewhere (Pam? I don't know where) of alternatives to spankings and time outs but this morning at 4:39 I can't think of how to find it. ;-)
>
> Sandra
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>