What do you say when you need a break?
[email protected]
Hi Everyone,
I am Mama to two glorious children...4 years out of school...happily unschooling, except sometimes...
We have these beautiful plans...these beautiful days...and then, after a full day, I know that I need some down time. And then, I run into trouble. I feel "done", I will lovingly say that I am going to have some quiet time...or I attempt to have some quiet time in a room with my family...somehow, it doesn't always gel. My kids get clingy, or have more needs, and if I keep going, I get cranky, diffuse, not present, etc. It tends to work better if I take some down time long before I am feeling this way, although I feel challenged to stop the flow of a glorious day...
Today was one of those days: We woke up together, did our casual morning routine; my younger daughter decided to do some math problems; we dropped off my younger one at another family's house for a cupcake-baking day in preparation for a halloween party coming up at an unschooling co-op we belong to; I went shopping with my older daughter for pj's; then a stop with both kids to a dollar store for items in preparation for the same halloween party; and finally, a stop at a farm to pick pumpkins for our porch.
As I write this, I will just mention that this sounds like too much for one day. If that is so, I wonder at the advice I might receive around what life looks like if one does not "make it all happen"...and how you would communicate this to your kids if they in fact wish for and ask for all of these wonderful things. I will say that these feel like "pressing matters" to my kids: all preparations are for a halloween function that is happening this Thursday...pj shopping is in response to a need that has existed for a few weeks, etc. I secretly admit to a feeling of always trying to "keep up" with all of the wonderful ideas and suggestions of my children!
Wow, does it feel vulnerable to post this!!!
Kirsten
I am Mama to two glorious children...4 years out of school...happily unschooling, except sometimes...
We have these beautiful plans...these beautiful days...and then, after a full day, I know that I need some down time. And then, I run into trouble. I feel "done", I will lovingly say that I am going to have some quiet time...or I attempt to have some quiet time in a room with my family...somehow, it doesn't always gel. My kids get clingy, or have more needs, and if I keep going, I get cranky, diffuse, not present, etc. It tends to work better if I take some down time long before I am feeling this way, although I feel challenged to stop the flow of a glorious day...
Today was one of those days: We woke up together, did our casual morning routine; my younger daughter decided to do some math problems; we dropped off my younger one at another family's house for a cupcake-baking day in preparation for a halloween party coming up at an unschooling co-op we belong to; I went shopping with my older daughter for pj's; then a stop with both kids to a dollar store for items in preparation for the same halloween party; and finally, a stop at a farm to pick pumpkins for our porch.
As I write this, I will just mention that this sounds like too much for one day. If that is so, I wonder at the advice I might receive around what life looks like if one does not "make it all happen"...and how you would communicate this to your kids if they in fact wish for and ask for all of these wonderful things. I will say that these feel like "pressing matters" to my kids: all preparations are for a halloween function that is happening this Thursday...pj shopping is in response to a need that has existed for a few weeks, etc. I secretly admit to a feeling of always trying to "keep up" with all of the wonderful ideas and suggestions of my children!
Wow, does it feel vulnerable to post this!!!
Kirsten
Joyce Fetteroll
On Oct 24, 2011, at 11:43 PM, sopik@... wrote:
If you'd like your kids as adult to not feel their needs are less
important than others' needs, then be someone who is honest about her
needs and takes care of them.
But -- bigger picture -- be proactive. Don't plan more than you can
do. Build taking care of your needs into the day so you have the
energy to get through.
You will make misjudge, unexpected things will happen, and then be
honest that you need a break. Draw them into the problem solving so
you can finish up what's necessary (like for a party that night, or
something already put off, or the needs of a highly sensitive child)
And promise to get to the rest the next day (or as soon as possible.)
And then do that! Make sure they can trust your word. (Be
compassionate of their disappointment. No "Yes, I understand, but ..."
Just "I know. I understand.") Let them know through your actions that
their needs are important to you. But also let them see how people can
take care of their own needs while thinking of others.
There will be occasional days when you *choose* to do more -- like
preparing for a party -- and on those days you push on because it's
what you want to do.
you. When you shut down from exhaustion, it will make them nervous
about getting their needs met so they'll need you more! ;-) Involve
them in the process of being compassionate of others needs by being
compassionate of theirs and help them find things to do that are low
energy. It might help to brainstorm ideas on the way home of what they
can do that will also allow you to rest. And work with them if they're
asking too much. An older one may jump in to meet a need. As much as
you can, draw them into the problem solving rather than deciding and
imposing. Be the facilitator and coordinator rather than the boss.
Also if you have several under 3, being tired is just part of the job
description for now! ;-) Keep your priorities low. It will pass.
Part of that is expectations. If you expect that they'll meet your
needs, you're bound to be disappointed when they don't.
But, a big thing, is to plan better in order to avoid pushing yourself
beyond your limits as much as you can.
Look at it this way: If you're doing a project with a friend who finds
herself exhausted during it you'd want to help her, right, and take a
break? But if you're doing a project with a friend who *always* gets
exhausted (not from a disease but because she's always doing too
much), it would be harder and harder to feel compassion each time. It
would be clear that she's repeatedly planning poorly and disappointing
and inconveniencing you in the process.
Joyce
> What do you say when you need a break?"I'm tired, guys." :-)
If you'd like your kids as adult to not feel their needs are less
important than others' needs, then be someone who is honest about her
needs and takes care of them.
But -- bigger picture -- be proactive. Don't plan more than you can
do. Build taking care of your needs into the day so you have the
energy to get through.
You will make misjudge, unexpected things will happen, and then be
honest that you need a break. Draw them into the problem solving so
you can finish up what's necessary (like for a party that night, or
something already put off, or the needs of a highly sensitive child)
And promise to get to the rest the next day (or as soon as possible.)
And then do that! Make sure they can trust your word. (Be
compassionate of their disappointment. No "Yes, I understand, but ..."
Just "I know. I understand.") Let them know through your actions that
their needs are important to you. But also let them see how people can
take care of their own needs while thinking of others.
There will be occasional days when you *choose* to do more -- like
preparing for a party -- and on those days you push on because it's
what you want to do.
> I will lovingly say that I am going to have some quiet time...or IPart of that is having kids and accepting that for right now they need
> attempt to have some quiet time in a room with my family...somehow,
> it doesn't always gel. My kids get clingy, or have more needs, and
> if I keep going, I get cranky, diffuse, not present,
>
you. When you shut down from exhaustion, it will make them nervous
about getting their needs met so they'll need you more! ;-) Involve
them in the process of being compassionate of others needs by being
compassionate of theirs and help them find things to do that are low
energy. It might help to brainstorm ideas on the way home of what they
can do that will also allow you to rest. And work with them if they're
asking too much. An older one may jump in to meet a need. As much as
you can, draw them into the problem solving rather than deciding and
imposing. Be the facilitator and coordinator rather than the boss.
Also if you have several under 3, being tired is just part of the job
description for now! ;-) Keep your priorities low. It will pass.
Part of that is expectations. If you expect that they'll meet your
needs, you're bound to be disappointed when they don't.
But, a big thing, is to plan better in order to avoid pushing yourself
beyond your limits as much as you can.
Look at it this way: If you're doing a project with a friend who finds
herself exhausted during it you'd want to help her, right, and take a
break? But if you're doing a project with a friend who *always* gets
exhausted (not from a disease but because she's always doing too
much), it would be harder and harder to feel compassion each time. It
would be clear that she's repeatedly planning poorly and disappointing
and inconveniencing you in the process.
Joyce
Meredith
"sopik@..." <sopik@...> wrote:
You know how, when you have a baby people say "sleep when the baby sleeps"? I found a similar principle helpful as my kids got older - instead of waiting until I was "done" it was better to notice when my kids had lower, slower times and rest Then. It took some self-reminders at first Not to run off and "get things done" when I had lots of energy and my kids were mellow, but it made a World of difference to how I felt later.
Not necessarily - if I imagine myself doing those things, though, I can envision moments of "down time" - times when I can rest and catch my breath. Maybe you're not as good at finding those moments - just a few minutes here and there to breathe slowly and savor the moment. That can be enough to "recharge your batteries"! Sometimes it involves stepping back and letting kids do things rather than jumping in, too. Sometimes it involves saying "I just want to run into this store and run out, because I'm getting cranky" and then having an extra ten minutes when you get home. Sometimes it involves using some other task as a way to take a break - showers are good for that if you can get them ;) but also household tasks like laundry and dishes can be very good ways to rest a little IF (here's the catch) you remind yourself you're doing it for that reason.
---Meredith
>And then, I run into trouble. I feel "done", I will lovingly say that I am going to have some quiet time...or I attempt to have some quiet time in a room with my family...somehow, it doesn't always gel.******************
You know how, when you have a baby people say "sleep when the baby sleeps"? I found a similar principle helpful as my kids got older - instead of waiting until I was "done" it was better to notice when my kids had lower, slower times and rest Then. It took some self-reminders at first Not to run off and "get things done" when I had lots of energy and my kids were mellow, but it made a World of difference to how I felt later.
> As I write this, I will just mention that this sounds like too much for one day.********************
Not necessarily - if I imagine myself doing those things, though, I can envision moments of "down time" - times when I can rest and catch my breath. Maybe you're not as good at finding those moments - just a few minutes here and there to breathe slowly and savor the moment. That can be enough to "recharge your batteries"! Sometimes it involves stepping back and letting kids do things rather than jumping in, too. Sometimes it involves saying "I just want to run into this store and run out, because I'm getting cranky" and then having an extra ten minutes when you get home. Sometimes it involves using some other task as a way to take a break - showers are good for that if you can get them ;) but also household tasks like laundry and dishes can be very good ways to rest a little IF (here's the catch) you remind yourself you're doing it for that reason.
---Meredith
[email protected]
I am so appreciative of the two responses I have received! They mean so much to me!!! I don't really know how you two fantastic women came to arrive in your brilliance, but these are posts that will stay with me for a long time...
Joyce, you hit the nail on the head in your second sentence when you described my central issue in hesitating around honesty about my own needs. BUT...what was so much more helpful were the concrete suggestions around HOW to shift things in creative ways so that my needs could be met within the flow of a day. Also, drawing my children into the problem-solving around "Mom is tired" will be a very helpful idea for me...I think most of the time, I have assumed that because we have had such a wonderful day together that they should automatically accept my declaration of a need for quiet time...but taking a few more minutes to make sure they are situated...these small things can go a long way!
I have a question: You mentioned "working with them if they are asking too much". That is a central issue right now with my eldest. She has a million and one ideas about life, her interests, the urgency around when she wants things to happen, etc. I want to honour her enthusiasm while still figuring out a way to do the above! I admit to getting confused around how it is possible to accommodate both concerns i.e. being proactive around when I am "done"...AND encuraging my daughter's passions!
Thanks again,
Kirsten
Joyce, you hit the nail on the head in your second sentence when you described my central issue in hesitating around honesty about my own needs. BUT...what was so much more helpful were the concrete suggestions around HOW to shift things in creative ways so that my needs could be met within the flow of a day. Also, drawing my children into the problem-solving around "Mom is tired" will be a very helpful idea for me...I think most of the time, I have assumed that because we have had such a wonderful day together that they should automatically accept my declaration of a need for quiet time...but taking a few more minutes to make sure they are situated...these small things can go a long way!
I have a question: You mentioned "working with them if they are asking too much". That is a central issue right now with my eldest. She has a million and one ideas about life, her interests, the urgency around when she wants things to happen, etc. I want to honour her enthusiasm while still figuring out a way to do the above! I admit to getting confused around how it is possible to accommodate both concerns i.e. being proactive around when I am "done"...AND encuraging my daughter's passions!
Thanks again,
Kirsten
--- In [email protected], Joyce Fetteroll <jfetteroll@...> wrote:
>
>
> On Oct 24, 2011, at 11:43 PM, sopik@... wrote:
>
> > What do you say when you need a break?
>
> "I'm tired, guys." :-)
>
> If you'd like your kids as adult to not feel their needs are less
> important than others' needs, then be someone who is honest about her
> needs and takes care of them.
>
> But -- bigger picture -- be proactive. Don't plan more than you can
> do. Build taking care of your needs into the day so you have the
> energy to get through.
>
> You will make misjudge, unexpected things will happen, and then be
> honest that you need a break. Draw them into the problem solving so
> you can finish up what's necessary (like for a party that night, or
> something already put off, or the needs of a highly sensitive child)
> And promise to get to the rest the next day (or as soon as possible.)
> And then do that! Make sure they can trust your word. (Be
> compassionate of their disappointment. No "Yes, I understand, but ..."
> Just "I know. I understand.") Let them know through your actions that
> their needs are important to you. But also let them see how people can
> take care of their own needs while thinking of others.
>
> There will be occasional days when you *choose* to do more -- like
> preparing for a party -- and on those days you push on because it's
> what you want to do.
> > I will lovingly say that I am going to have some quiet time...or I
> > attempt to have some quiet time in a room with my family...somehow,
> > it doesn't always gel. My kids get clingy, or have more needs, and
> > if I keep going, I get cranky, diffuse, not present,
> >
>
> Part of that is having kids and accepting that for right now they need
> you. When you shut down from exhaustion, it will make them nervous
> about getting their needs met so they'll need you more! ;-) Involve
> them in the process of being compassionate of others needs by being
> compassionate of theirs and help them find things to do that are low
> energy. It might help to brainstorm ideas on the way home of what they
> can do that will also allow you to rest. And work with them if they're
> asking too much. An older one may jump in to meet a need. As much as
> you can, draw them into the problem solving rather than deciding and
> imposing. Be the facilitator and coordinator rather than the boss.
>
> Also if you have several under 3, being tired is just part of the job
> description for now! ;-) Keep your priorities low. It will pass.
>
> Part of that is expectations. If you expect that they'll meet your
> needs, you're bound to be disappointed when they don't.
>
> But, a big thing, is to plan better in order to avoid pushing yourself
> beyond your limits as much as you can.
>
> Look at it this way: If you're doing a project with a friend who finds
> herself exhausted during it you'd want to help her, right, and take a
> break? But if you're doing a project with a friend who *always* gets
> exhausted (not from a disease but because she's always doing too
> much), it would be harder and harder to feel compassion each time. It
> would be clear that she's repeatedly planning poorly and disappointing
> and inconveniencing you in the process.
>
> Joyce
>
[email protected]
Thanks Meredith...
That is a lovely suggestion...rest when your children are resting...I haven't heard that since I had infants! I feel like I can breathe just reading your explanation of this (which really is priceless)...Now I wonder why I haven't heard this since the baby years! Why is resting only "allowed" in those beginning stages? I guess I can "allow" that for myself now:) It will be a challenge not to run to "get things done"...but I was able to do it when I had babes, so...
Also...I practised breathing while I did a load of laundry tonight...and I DID feel like I had some down time!
Many thanks...
Kirsten
That is a lovely suggestion...rest when your children are resting...I haven't heard that since I had infants! I feel like I can breathe just reading your explanation of this (which really is priceless)...Now I wonder why I haven't heard this since the baby years! Why is resting only "allowed" in those beginning stages? I guess I can "allow" that for myself now:) It will be a challenge not to run to "get things done"...but I was able to do it when I had babes, so...
Also...I practised breathing while I did a load of laundry tonight...and I DID feel like I had some down time!
Many thanks...
Kirsten
--- In [email protected], "Meredith" <plaidpanties666@...> wrote:
>
> "sopik@" <sopik@> wrote:
> >And then, I run into trouble. I feel "done", I will lovingly say that I am going to have some quiet time...or I attempt to have some quiet time in a room with my family...somehow, it doesn't always gel.
> ******************
>
> You know how, when you have a baby people say "sleep when the baby sleeps"? I found a similar principle helpful as my kids got older - instead of waiting until I was "done" it was better to notice when my kids had lower, slower times and rest Then. It took some self-reminders at first Not to run off and "get things done" when I had lots of energy and my kids were mellow, but it made a World of difference to how I felt later.
>
> > As I write this, I will just mention that this sounds like too much for one day.
> ********************
>
> Not necessarily - if I imagine myself doing those things, though, I can envision moments of "down time" - times when I can rest and catch my breath. Maybe you're not as good at finding those moments - just a few minutes here and there to breathe slowly and savor the moment. That can be enough to "recharge your batteries"! Sometimes it involves stepping back and letting kids do things rather than jumping in, too. Sometimes it involves saying "I just want to run into this store and run out, because I'm getting cranky" and then having an extra ten minutes when you get home. Sometimes it involves using some other task as a way to take a break - showers are good for that if you can get them ;) but also household tasks like laundry and dishes can be very good ways to rest a little IF (here's the catch) you remind yourself you're doing it for that reason.
>
> ---Meredith
>
Sandra Dodd
-=-I have a question: You mentioned "working with them if they are asking too much". That is a central issue right now with my eldest. She has a million and one ideas about life, her interests, the urgency around when she wants things to happen, etc. I want to honour her enthusiasm while still figuring out a way to do the above! I admit to getting confused around how it is possible to accommodate both concerns i.e. being proactive around when I am "done"...AND encuraging my daughter's passions!-=-
There are ideas here about how to be positive without doing everything at the same time. Read beyond the title; read it all. :-)
http://sandradodd.com/yes
-=-Also...I practised breathing while I did a load of laundry tonight...and I DID feel like I had some down time! -=-
These two might help with those things, too--feeling good in situations in which sometimes people get stressed:
http://sandradodd.com/chores/gift
http://sandradodd.com/breathing
-=- As I write this, I will just mention that this sounds like too much for one day. -=-
As I read it, I thought it sounded like too much.
Many people, especially if they've grown accustomed to feeling overwhelmed, will over-plan and overdo and (without intending to) blame others when they get past their limit, when "past their limit" was in the plan from the beginning. Planning one or two things a day (especially if they're outings involving getting dressed or cleaning up after) might be enough. In special circumstances like having houseguests or holidays, overdoing is kind of expected, but those are rare occasions to which you can build up and from which you can take a quiet few days to recover. If you treat every day with that much urgency, it can be exhausting for everyone.
Read a little, try a little, wait a while, watch.
Sandra
There are ideas here about how to be positive without doing everything at the same time. Read beyond the title; read it all. :-)
http://sandradodd.com/yes
-=-Also...I practised breathing while I did a load of laundry tonight...and I DID feel like I had some down time! -=-
These two might help with those things, too--feeling good in situations in which sometimes people get stressed:
http://sandradodd.com/chores/gift
http://sandradodd.com/breathing
-=- As I write this, I will just mention that this sounds like too much for one day. -=-
As I read it, I thought it sounded like too much.
Many people, especially if they've grown accustomed to feeling overwhelmed, will over-plan and overdo and (without intending to) blame others when they get past their limit, when "past their limit" was in the plan from the beginning. Planning one or two things a day (especially if they're outings involving getting dressed or cleaning up after) might be enough. In special circumstances like having houseguests or holidays, overdoing is kind of expected, but those are rare occasions to which you can build up and from which you can take a quiet few days to recover. If you treat every day with that much urgency, it can be exhausting for everyone.
Read a little, try a little, wait a while, watch.
Sandra
Joyce Fetteroll
On Oct 27, 2011, at 12:07 AM, sopik@... wrote:
lesson anyone needs taught. It just is! No one needs taught that air
is available for breathing ;-)
It sounds like a million and one ideas is her personality. It's not
going to be squashed by the reality that the world can only come
through on a few of those at a time.
Draw her into the planning of getting what she wants so reality will
show her real limitations rather than you saying "No, not possible."
The actual getting isn't as important as putting genuine, reality-
based planning into meeting her needs so she knows they're important
to you. Reality will put *natural* limits on it. And your energy and
time is part of reality.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I have a question: You mentioned "working with them if they areLife has limits. No one gets everything they want. But it's not a
> asking too much". That is a central issue right now with my eldest.
> She has a million and one ideas about life, her interests, the
> urgency around when she wants things to happen, etc. I want to
> honour her enthusiasm while still figuring out a way to do the
> above! I admit to getting confused around how it is possible to
> accommodate both concerns i.e. being proactive around when I am
> "done"...AND encuraging my daughter's passions!
lesson anyone needs taught. It just is! No one needs taught that air
is available for breathing ;-)
It sounds like a million and one ideas is her personality. It's not
going to be squashed by the reality that the world can only come
through on a few of those at a time.
Draw her into the planning of getting what she wants so reality will
show her real limitations rather than you saying "No, not possible."
The actual getting isn't as important as putting genuine, reality-
based planning into meeting her needs so she knows they're important
to you. Reality will put *natural* limits on it. And your energy and
time is part of reality.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sarah
I remember reading Sandra somewhere: one cool thing every day.
For some kids even two things is too much, especially when they're young.
I find that my kids (1, 4, 6) need every other day (more or less) to be calm and at home (we still do something cool)- outings two days in a row are too much. You can miss a lot if you spend too much time rushing from one activity to the next.
Sarah
For some kids even two things is too much, especially when they're young.
I find that my kids (1, 4, 6) need every other day (more or less) to be calm and at home (we still do something cool)- outings two days in a row are too much. You can miss a lot if you spend too much time rushing from one activity to the next.
Sarah
> -=- As I write this, I will just mention that this sounds like too much for one day. -=-
>
> As I read it, I thought it sounded like too much.
>