Self Esteem
amylizkid1
My daughter, Emma (8), seems to have pretty low self-esteem. She is worried about her looks and says she doesn't deserve nice things. I can't figure out where these thoughts are coming from, and I don't know what to say to her.
A couple of examples: I had a surprise party for her birthday this year. She'll say "I want a surprise party next year!" Then quickly change to, "No, I just want one friend and a cupcake with one candle." I'll ask why and she'll say, "I don't deserve all that."
Also, I picked a daffodil for her one day and she sneaked out and threw it in the street. I asked why, and she said she didn't deserve it. It's breaking my heart.
With her looks, she is regularly asking me if I think she has a double chin and if I think her face is fat. She has lovely cheeks and almost everyone in my family has a bit of a double chin. I tend to talk around the subject instead of answering her, but I don't want to dismiss her concerns.
I worry because I was so depressed as a child and teen. And I'm surprised because I thought it had to do with school and traditional parenting.
Any suggestions out there? I want her to love herself for the wonderful girl she is.
A couple of examples: I had a surprise party for her birthday this year. She'll say "I want a surprise party next year!" Then quickly change to, "No, I just want one friend and a cupcake with one candle." I'll ask why and she'll say, "I don't deserve all that."
Also, I picked a daffodil for her one day and she sneaked out and threw it in the street. I asked why, and she said she didn't deserve it. It's breaking my heart.
With her looks, she is regularly asking me if I think she has a double chin and if I think her face is fat. She has lovely cheeks and almost everyone in my family has a bit of a double chin. I tend to talk around the subject instead of answering her, but I don't want to dismiss her concerns.
I worry because I was so depressed as a child and teen. And I'm surprised because I thought it had to do with school and traditional parenting.
Any suggestions out there? I want her to love herself for the wonderful girl she is.
Sandra Dodd
-=-I worry because I was so depressed as a child and teen. And I'm surprised because I thought it had to do with school and traditional parenting.
Any suggestions out there? I want her to love herself for the wonderful girl she is.-=-
Have you talked to her about that?
It could be a personality trait.
Winnie the Pooh could be helpful, to use Eeyore as a possible example of how you felt. Talk about how you used to feel, though, rather than how she should be feeling, if you can.
-=-I want her to love herself for the wonderful girl she is.-=-
Sounds like another failure on her part.
I recommend happy distractions until she's old enough to feel differently. She might be too young to see the world from a different angle yet.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Any suggestions out there? I want her to love herself for the wonderful girl she is.-=-
Have you talked to her about that?
It could be a personality trait.
Winnie the Pooh could be helpful, to use Eeyore as a possible example of how you felt. Talk about how you used to feel, though, rather than how she should be feeling, if you can.
-=-I want her to love herself for the wonderful girl she is.-=-
Sounds like another failure on her part.
I recommend happy distractions until she's old enough to feel differently. She might be too young to see the world from a different angle yet.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
Do you complain about you looks or you body in front of her?
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
Do you complain about you looks or you body in front of her?
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
sheeboo2
----- OP-=-I want her to love herself for the wonderful girl she is.-=-
Sandra: Sounds like another failure on her part. -------
This was a really important realization for me. My daughter is an artist, and she is very particular about her work, sometimes very critical. She'll destroy drawings that she isn't satisfied with, and for a time, I would try to point out things that I liked about the ones she wasn't happy with, but quickly came to see that to her, that added insult to injury--not only was her drawing not up to her own standards, but mom was questioning, or somehow pushing aside those standards too, saying that her judgment was wrong. It has been far more helpful for me to listen to her list off the imperfections without interjecting my own positive comments--which can come later.
I've learned to keep quite about certain things, and to also talk about my own mistakes and learning process in a way that is less direct. I also bring to her attention other artist's processes and stories about mistakes and imperfection. The children's book Wabi Sabi (http://www.amazon.com/Wabi-Sabi-Mark-Reibstein/dp/0316118257) has been wonderful, as has reading/talking about the concept of Wabi Sabi: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wabi-sabi
Another thought I had while reading the original post, is that it may be worthwhile for mom and daughter to explore the Girl Power website together, which is an interactive site that lets the user run their cursor over parts of a girl's image to see how that image has been manipulated (altered) for a magazine. It may be useful for her to see that the girls she sees on TV, or in magazines, whom she may be comparing herself to, likely don't look the same in "real" life: http://demo.fb.se/e/girlpower/retouch/
Be patient, it takes a long time to load.
And, I'd try to show it to her in an off-handed way, as in "wow, look what I just found; this is cool," rather than relating it directly to her own self-criticism.
Brie
Sandra: Sounds like another failure on her part. -------
This was a really important realization for me. My daughter is an artist, and she is very particular about her work, sometimes very critical. She'll destroy drawings that she isn't satisfied with, and for a time, I would try to point out things that I liked about the ones she wasn't happy with, but quickly came to see that to her, that added insult to injury--not only was her drawing not up to her own standards, but mom was questioning, or somehow pushing aside those standards too, saying that her judgment was wrong. It has been far more helpful for me to listen to her list off the imperfections without interjecting my own positive comments--which can come later.
I've learned to keep quite about certain things, and to also talk about my own mistakes and learning process in a way that is less direct. I also bring to her attention other artist's processes and stories about mistakes and imperfection. The children's book Wabi Sabi (http://www.amazon.com/Wabi-Sabi-Mark-Reibstein/dp/0316118257) has been wonderful, as has reading/talking about the concept of Wabi Sabi: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wabi-sabi
Another thought I had while reading the original post, is that it may be worthwhile for mom and daughter to explore the Girl Power website together, which is an interactive site that lets the user run their cursor over parts of a girl's image to see how that image has been manipulated (altered) for a magazine. It may be useful for her to see that the girls she sees on TV, or in magazines, whom she may be comparing herself to, likely don't look the same in "real" life: http://demo.fb.se/e/girlpower/retouch/
Be patient, it takes a long time to load.
And, I'd try to show it to her in an off-handed way, as in "wow, look what I just found; this is cool," rather than relating it directly to her own self-criticism.
Brie
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
I meant to write YOUR but my keyboard is not working properly ! ARGH!!
I spelled checked but it does not catch that!! Need to proof read~!
Alex Polikowsky
From: BRIAN POLIKOWSKY <polykowholsteins@...>
To: "[email protected]" <[email protected]>
Sent: Friday, May 13, 2011 11:03 AM
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Self Esteem
Do you complain about you looks or you body in front of her?
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I spelled checked but it does not catch that!! Need to proof read~!
Alex Polikowsky
From: BRIAN POLIKOWSKY <polykowholsteins@...>
To: "[email protected]" <[email protected]>
Sent: Friday, May 13, 2011 11:03 AM
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Self Esteem
Do you complain about you looks or you body in front of her?
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
amylizkid1
I have talked to her about it some. I was her age when I ran away from home because I thought nobody cared. I have mentioned that to her. This is the one thing I was really hoping I wouldn't pass down to her. The bright side is that I have been able to change, so I know she can too. Maybe not just yet, though.
I have talked to her about how she can change her mood sometimes, and that sometimes it's just a bad moment - not a whole bad day.
Thank you. I will work on more happy distractions, and stop trying to fix her. I remember being frustrated with my Mom for saying things like "I just want you to be happy." or "Get over it."
I have talked to her about how she can change her mood sometimes, and that sometimes it's just a bad moment - not a whole bad day.
>>>>> -=-I want her to love herself for the wonderful girl she is.-=-I hadn't thought of that. I don't say that to her, but I am thinking about it in a gloomy way. I think I will start thinking it (the how wonderful she is part) in a really positive way, while still keeping my mouth shut.
>
> Sounds like another failure on her part. <<<<<
Thank you. I will work on more happy distractions, and stop trying to fix her. I remember being frustrated with my Mom for saying things like "I just want you to be happy." or "Get over it."
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
> -=-I worry because I was so depressed as a child and teen. And I'm surprised because I thought it had to do with school and traditional parenting.
> Any suggestions out there? I want her to love herself for the wonderful girl she is.-=-
>
> Have you talked to her about that?
> It could be a personality trait.
>
> Winnie the Pooh could be helpful, to use Eeyore as a possible example of how you felt. Talk about how you used to feel, though, rather than how she should be feeling, if you can.
>
> -=-I want her to love herself for the wonderful girl she is.-=-
>
> Sounds like another failure on her part.
>
> I recommend happy distractions until she's old enough to feel differently. She might be too young to see the world from a different angle yet.
>
> Sandra
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
amylizkid1
No, which is why it's such a mystery to me.
--- In [email protected], BRIAN POLIKOWSKY <polykowholsteins@...> wrote:
>
> Do you complain about you looks or you body in front of her?
>
> Alex Polikowsky
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
amylizkid1
Thanks for those links and the insight. I have been saving art that she destroys, hadn't thought about it as pushing her standards aside.
--- In [email protected], "sheeboo2" <brmino@...> wrote:
>
> ----- OP-=-I want her to love herself for the wonderful girl she is.-=-
>
> Sandra: Sounds like another failure on her part. -------
>
> This was a really important realization for me. My daughter is an artist, and she is very particular about her work, sometimes very critical. She'll destroy drawings that she isn't satisfied with, and for a time, I would try to point out things that I liked about the ones she wasn't happy with, but quickly came to see that to her, that added insult to injury--not only was her drawing not up to her own standards, but mom was questioning, or somehow pushing aside those standards too, saying that her judgment was wrong. It has been far more helpful for me to listen to her list off the imperfections without interjecting my own positive comments--which can come later.
>
> I've learned to keep quite about certain things, and to also talk about my own mistakes and learning process in a way that is less direct. I also bring to her attention other artist's processes and stories about mistakes and imperfection. The children's book Wabi Sabi (http://www.amazon.com/Wabi-Sabi-Mark-Reibstein/dp/0316118257) has been wonderful, as has reading/talking about the concept of Wabi Sabi: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wabi-sabi
>
> Another thought I had while reading the original post, is that it may be worthwhile for mom and daughter to explore the Girl Power website together, which is an interactive site that lets the user run their cursor over parts of a girl's image to see how that image has been manipulated (altered) for a magazine. It may be useful for her to see that the girls she sees on TV, or in magazines, whom she may be comparing herself to, likely don't look the same in "real" life: http://demo.fb.se/e/girlpower/retouch/
>
> Be patient, it takes a long time to load.
>
> And, I'd try to show it to her in an off-handed way, as in "wow, look what I just found; this is cool," rather than relating it directly to her own self-criticism.
>
> Brie
>
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
Sometimes mothers complain to their friends about their weight or how their hair is ( crfazy puffy, fine)this or that and kids hear everything and internalize. Sometimes mothers point out some people that are beautiful and are the extreme opposite of themselves and their children and that can
make them feel like they are not beautiful.
My mom used to say things about herself that did not sound bad but had a negative effect on my self esteem.
I also remember my mom looking at some photographs of some young girls that were different types than me and saying they were beautiful and that made me feel inappropriate and not pretty. It can be subtle.
It did not help everyone raved about how my sister was beautiful , even if I loved her and was pround of my beautiful sister.
I remember at around your daughter's age hiding my self in the bathroom at a family Summer vacation house and saying I wanted to never come out because I was too ugly.
It took me many years to get over it and see that there are all kinds of beauty not just one and see myself in a different light. I think I was over 19 when that happened!
Alex Polikowsky
From: amylizkid1 <amylizkid1@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, May 13, 2011 11:20 AM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Re: Self Esteem
No, which is why it's such a mystery to me.
make them feel like they are not beautiful.
My mom used to say things about herself that did not sound bad but had a negative effect on my self esteem.
I also remember my mom looking at some photographs of some young girls that were different types than me and saying they were beautiful and that made me feel inappropriate and not pretty. It can be subtle.
It did not help everyone raved about how my sister was beautiful , even if I loved her and was pround of my beautiful sister.
I remember at around your daughter's age hiding my self in the bathroom at a family Summer vacation house and saying I wanted to never come out because I was too ugly.
It took me many years to get over it and see that there are all kinds of beauty not just one and see myself in a different light. I think I was over 19 when that happened!
Alex Polikowsky
From: amylizkid1 <amylizkid1@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, May 13, 2011 11:20 AM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Re: Self Esteem
No, which is why it's such a mystery to me.
--- In [email protected], BRIAN POLIKOWSKY <polykowholsteins@...> wrote:
>
> Do you complain about you looks or you body in front of her?
>
> Alex Polikowsky
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
amylizkid1
>>>>>I remember at around your daughter's age hiding my self in the bathroom at a family Summer vacation house and saying I wanted to never come out because I was too ugly.<<<<<Any ideas on what you would've wanted someone to tell you at that moment?
--- In [email protected], BRIAN POLIKOWSKY <polykowholsteins@...> wrote:
>
> Sometimes mothers complain to their friends about their weight or how their hair is ( crfazy puffy, fine)this or that and kids hear everything and internalize. Sometimes mothers point out some people that are beautiful and are the extreme opposite of themselves and their children and that can
> make them feel like they are not beautiful.
> My mom used to say things about herself that did not sound bad but had a negative effect on my self esteem.
> I also remember my mom looking at some photographs of some young girls that were different types than me and saying they were beautiful and that made me feel inappropriate and not pretty. It can be subtle.
> It did not help everyone raved about how my sister was beautiful , even if I loved her and was pround of my beautiful sister.
> I remember at around your daughter's age hiding my self in the bathroom at a family Summer vacation house and saying I wanted to never come out because I was too ugly.
> It took me many years to get over it and see that there are all kinds of beauty not just one and see myself in a different light. I think I was over 19 when that happened!
> Â
>
> Alex Polikowsky
>
>
> Â
>
> From: amylizkid1 <amylizkid1@...>
> To: [email protected]
> Sent: Friday, May 13, 2011 11:20 AM
> Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Re: Self Esteem
>
>
> Â
>
> No, which is why it's such a mystery to me.
>
> --- In [email protected], BRIAN POLIKOWSKY <polykowholsteins@> wrote:
> >
> > Do you complain about you looks or you body in front of her?
> >
> > Alex Polikowsky
> >
> > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> >
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
<<<<Any ideas on what you would've wanted someone to tell you at that moment?>>>>
I don't think anything anyone could have said would have helped at that moment.
Maybe humor would have helped but it depends on the child.
My dad could have pulled off saying that indeed I was so ugly I was going to break the mirror and
kept it funny and made me laugh. But that could backfire depending on the person doing and the one receiving.
Since my dad was a big jokker it would be something one would expect from him.
What would have helped was for my mom not to let her hung ups about herself become our bagage.
I was specially told that I looked just like her so everytime she said she wished her nose was different ( we have very different noses)
that would make me think I had a nose that was not beautiful.
Or she said that the distance between her mouth and nose were to long or....
It was never " My nose is ugly" or "my face is ugly". It was just little things.
Every time I heard that another piece of cake would make one fat I would feel guilty for wanting more cake.
Everytime I heard how she did not want her hair too look frizy I would feel bad that my hair was frizy.
Everytimes I heard how my sister was beautiful for this or that I would think "humm but I am the opposite so I must be ugly".
They were subtle messages. No one said I was ugly or not beautiful.
It may have been personality.
I am no longer like that and I am very secure about myself and how I look. I was very happy on my 20's about how I looked.
\
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I don't think anything anyone could have said would have helped at that moment.
Maybe humor would have helped but it depends on the child.
My dad could have pulled off saying that indeed I was so ugly I was going to break the mirror and
kept it funny and made me laugh. But that could backfire depending on the person doing and the one receiving.
Since my dad was a big jokker it would be something one would expect from him.
What would have helped was for my mom not to let her hung ups about herself become our bagage.
I was specially told that I looked just like her so everytime she said she wished her nose was different ( we have very different noses)
that would make me think I had a nose that was not beautiful.
Or she said that the distance between her mouth and nose were to long or....
It was never " My nose is ugly" or "my face is ugly". It was just little things.
Every time I heard that another piece of cake would make one fat I would feel guilty for wanting more cake.
Everytime I heard how she did not want her hair too look frizy I would feel bad that my hair was frizy.
Everytimes I heard how my sister was beautiful for this or that I would think "humm but I am the opposite so I must be ugly".
They were subtle messages. No one said I was ugly or not beautiful.
It may have been personality.
I am no longer like that and I am very secure about myself and how I look. I was very happy on my 20's about how I looked.
\
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Rinelle
We've come rather suddenly into winter here in Australia (Brisbane anyway).
Two weeks ago we were still swimming, and now it's (to me) jumper weather.
My DD (6, 7 in a few weeks) has never liked dressing warmly, has never been
really fond of clothes altogether really, and we have battled over this in
the past. I was looking forward to NOT battling this year, and letting her
wear what she wanted and letting her decide on her own when she was cold,
but with the cold weather has come a sniffle and a cough that is obviously
bothering her. Perhaps not as much as it's bothering me, but last night she
had trouble sleeping because of it.
She's not sick, this seems to be totally bought on by the colder weather.
She's fine during the day (when it's warmer), but as the evening comes on
and it starts to get cold, she starts coughing. Yet she still won't put on
warm clothes, and despite my resolve not to say anything, I've started
asking her to put on something warmer, and we've started fighting about it.
I don't want to do this. I want to be able to let her do what she wants,
and I suspect that part of her reason of not wanting to wear warm clothes is
because I want her to, so obviously what I'm doing isn't helping. I know I
really need to change my thinking on this, and find better ways to deal with
it. We do have lap sized rugs around the house, on the couch to snuggle in,
and these work better for her than clothes. I probably need to put the
heater on more as well, but we're still reeling from the huge bill from
having the air conditioning on over summer, so I find myself hesitating over
it, when I guess I really need to just do it.
I'd love any suggestions on what I can do to help her. Do I need to just
step back and let her regulate it, despite the cough? Keep looking for more
ways to help her stay warm without warm clothes? (Any tips for how to do
this outside would be great, though it is a lot warmer in the sun.)
Anything else I'm missing?
Tamara
Two weeks ago we were still swimming, and now it's (to me) jumper weather.
My DD (6, 7 in a few weeks) has never liked dressing warmly, has never been
really fond of clothes altogether really, and we have battled over this in
the past. I was looking forward to NOT battling this year, and letting her
wear what she wanted and letting her decide on her own when she was cold,
but with the cold weather has come a sniffle and a cough that is obviously
bothering her. Perhaps not as much as it's bothering me, but last night she
had trouble sleeping because of it.
She's not sick, this seems to be totally bought on by the colder weather.
She's fine during the day (when it's warmer), but as the evening comes on
and it starts to get cold, she starts coughing. Yet she still won't put on
warm clothes, and despite my resolve not to say anything, I've started
asking her to put on something warmer, and we've started fighting about it.
I don't want to do this. I want to be able to let her do what she wants,
and I suspect that part of her reason of not wanting to wear warm clothes is
because I want her to, so obviously what I'm doing isn't helping. I know I
really need to change my thinking on this, and find better ways to deal with
it. We do have lap sized rugs around the house, on the couch to snuggle in,
and these work better for her than clothes. I probably need to put the
heater on more as well, but we're still reeling from the huge bill from
having the air conditioning on over summer, so I find myself hesitating over
it, when I guess I really need to just do it.
I'd love any suggestions on what I can do to help her. Do I need to just
step back and let her regulate it, despite the cough? Keep looking for more
ways to help her stay warm without warm clothes? (Any tips for how to do
this outside would be great, though it is a lot warmer in the sun.)
Anything else I'm missing?
Tamara
Chris Sanders
On May 13, 2011, at 8:34 PM, Rinelle wrote:
Chris in Iowa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> She's not sick, this seems to be totally bought on by the colder weather.Is the air too dry? Her in the midwest USA the air gets so dry in the winter and house furnaces dry it out even more. Such dry air contributes to dry throats, stuffy noses and sometimes coughing. Maybe you could humidify the air especially at night? Humid air feels warmer too, I think.
> She's fine during the day (when it's warmer), but as the evening comes on
> and it starts to get cold, she starts coughing.
Chris in Iowa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
wtexans
===with the cold weather has come a sniffle and a cough that is obviously bothering her===
The sinus drainage could be irritating her throat and that can cause a tickle-y feeling in the throat that makes her feel the need to cough. An over-the-counter allergy med could help with that, if it's persistent.
It might help to keep her throat lubricated. Hard candies and gum are helpful for that. Sipping on warm water with some lemon and honey in it helps, too.
As Chris mentioned, adding some humidity to the air inside the house might help, especially while your daughter's sleeping.
I don't like layering clothes or wearing thick, heavy clothing, so I find ways to keep warm wearing as few clothes as possible in the cooler months! If my arms and feet are warm, I don't mind if my legs are chilly -- so, in cooler weather, at home I might be in shorts, warm socks, and a snug-fitting 100% cotton long-sleeved pj top.
You could find out which parts of your daughter's body she doesn't mind covering up when she's cold and find out what would be comfortable for her to cover those areas with (bulky or snug-fitting items? fabric types? etc.).
She might be fine wearing a knitted neck-warmer or scarf, and/or fingerless gloves, and/or wrist warmers, and/or leg warmers, and/or a comfy hat of some sort along with shorts and t-shirts. In other words, less may be more for clothing, but the "less" could be supplemented with smaller items where *she* wants them, rather than adding a jacket or something else that's bulky-ish.
Glenda
The sinus drainage could be irritating her throat and that can cause a tickle-y feeling in the throat that makes her feel the need to cough. An over-the-counter allergy med could help with that, if it's persistent.
It might help to keep her throat lubricated. Hard candies and gum are helpful for that. Sipping on warm water with some lemon and honey in it helps, too.
As Chris mentioned, adding some humidity to the air inside the house might help, especially while your daughter's sleeping.
I don't like layering clothes or wearing thick, heavy clothing, so I find ways to keep warm wearing as few clothes as possible in the cooler months! If my arms and feet are warm, I don't mind if my legs are chilly -- so, in cooler weather, at home I might be in shorts, warm socks, and a snug-fitting 100% cotton long-sleeved pj top.
You could find out which parts of your daughter's body she doesn't mind covering up when she's cold and find out what would be comfortable for her to cover those areas with (bulky or snug-fitting items? fabric types? etc.).
She might be fine wearing a knitted neck-warmer or scarf, and/or fingerless gloves, and/or wrist warmers, and/or leg warmers, and/or a comfy hat of some sort along with shorts and t-shirts. In other words, less may be more for clothing, but the "less" could be supplemented with smaller items where *she* wants them, rather than adding a jacket or something else that's bulky-ish.
Glenda
Schuyler
Could it be allergies? When you get tired you are likely to succumb to allergic
responses. The cold is unlikely to be as much of a factor than other things. It
may just be that you are linking the two because you are aware of the cold. It's
easy to correlate something you don't like with something else you don't like if
they seem to coincide in time. Like a child getting irritated when they've been
watching television for a while. Rather than noticing that they haven't eaten in
that time or drunk anything a parent may choose to ascribe the irritation to the
television watching.
Recognising that what may feel cold to you may honestly not feel cold to her is
good to do. People have different metabolisms, different points at which they
get cold. Simon and Linnaea are much, much more comfortable wearing less in
winter than David or I am and I am much more likely put on summer garb than
David is. And, as someone who has been to Brisbane a couple of times and who
lives in the UK, your lows and our highs sometimes meet. And I was always
willing to go swimming in weather that any right minded Brisbanite would find
far too brisk. David says that when he lived in Manilla people would decide that
it was absolutely freezing when the temperature dropped to 85, 86 degrees in
December and January from the more usual 90's weather and wouldn't swim.
Warm drinks, tea, cocoa, Milo, those are always a nice thing to snuggle around
when you are feeling cold. Cuddling up and reading a book all warm and snuggly
under a blanket or watching a movie. Racing around the house like a maniac,
wrestling, jumping on the trampoline, dancing, a moving and a shaking, all of
those things get you warmer. Feeding her more will keep her warmer. Recognising
that she may get more hungry when it's colder is probably not a bad mental note
to make.
Simon got chilblains one winter because he just didn't notice his feet getting
cold. Slippers, lovely soft and googly eyed slippers kept his feet warm after
that. But that's the only thing that I can think that's happened in my
environment where it gets much, much colder than I think is within normal range
for Brisbane.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: Rinelle <rinelle@...>
I'd love any suggestions on what I can do to help her. Do I need to just
step back and let her regulate it, despite the cough? Keep looking for more
ways to help her stay warm without warm clothes? (Any tips for how to do
this outside would be great, though it is a lot warmer in the sun.)
Anything else I'm missing?
Tamara
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
responses. The cold is unlikely to be as much of a factor than other things. It
may just be that you are linking the two because you are aware of the cold. It's
easy to correlate something you don't like with something else you don't like if
they seem to coincide in time. Like a child getting irritated when they've been
watching television for a while. Rather than noticing that they haven't eaten in
that time or drunk anything a parent may choose to ascribe the irritation to the
television watching.
Recognising that what may feel cold to you may honestly not feel cold to her is
good to do. People have different metabolisms, different points at which they
get cold. Simon and Linnaea are much, much more comfortable wearing less in
winter than David or I am and I am much more likely put on summer garb than
David is. And, as someone who has been to Brisbane a couple of times and who
lives in the UK, your lows and our highs sometimes meet. And I was always
willing to go swimming in weather that any right minded Brisbanite would find
far too brisk. David says that when he lived in Manilla people would decide that
it was absolutely freezing when the temperature dropped to 85, 86 degrees in
December and January from the more usual 90's weather and wouldn't swim.
Warm drinks, tea, cocoa, Milo, those are always a nice thing to snuggle around
when you are feeling cold. Cuddling up and reading a book all warm and snuggly
under a blanket or watching a movie. Racing around the house like a maniac,
wrestling, jumping on the trampoline, dancing, a moving and a shaking, all of
those things get you warmer. Feeding her more will keep her warmer. Recognising
that she may get more hungry when it's colder is probably not a bad mental note
to make.
Simon got chilblains one winter because he just didn't notice his feet getting
cold. Slippers, lovely soft and googly eyed slippers kept his feet warm after
that. But that's the only thing that I can think that's happened in my
environment where it gets much, much colder than I think is within normal range
for Brisbane.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: Rinelle <rinelle@...>
I'd love any suggestions on what I can do to help her. Do I need to just
step back and let her regulate it, despite the cough? Keep looking for more
ways to help her stay warm without warm clothes? (Any tips for how to do
this outside would be great, though it is a lot warmer in the sun.)
Anything else I'm missing?
Tamara
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
wtexans
===And I'm surprised because I thought it had to do with school and traditional parenting.===
I've thought the same thing from time to time regarding my son.
It's really only been in very recent years that I've realized that unschooling doesn't necessarily mean my son will have fabulous self-confidence or won't have moments of self-doubt.
Naive on my part, I suppose, but I'd hoped unschooling would take away for my son all of the pains I'd felt as a kid, and it was hard when I realized that wasn't reality.
===She is worried about her looks and says she doesn't deserve nice things.===
My son (12) has said, at times of sadness, that he doesn't deserve this or that, and it breaks my heart to hear him say that.
I shared that part of your post with him and asked him for his "been there, done that" input.
He said he experiences the "I don't deserve" thoughts when he's feeling sad. In talking further, the feeling-sad thoughts tend to happen when he's gone too long without eating, or he's overly tired or not feeling well, or when something upsetting has happened with a game, etc. -- external forces.
Sometimes he'll be frustrated with himself and call himself "stupid" and say he doesn't deserve ____. What seems to help in those instances is for me to say, "So if ________ [one of his friends or cousins] did that, you'd think they don't deserve ______?" -- that really seems to help shift his perspective.
He has high expectations of himself, and that's something we talk about when he feels he's done something stupid or isn't deserving of something. We talk about him cutting himself slack, just as he would a friend.
===I'll ask why and she'll say, "I don't deserve all that."===
In those type situations, I'll tend to reply with, "Well I think you do!!".
In that particular situation ("one friend and one cupcake with one candle"), I might say something like, "No, ALL your friends and one HUGE cupcake COVERED with candles!!!". In a playful & happy, but sincere, tone of voice, rather than an "awwwww, I'm sorry" voice. Because a playful & happy voice is what helps ME smile and cheer up a bit and shake off the "I don't deserve"-itis . . . whereas an "awwww, I'm sorry" voice makes me feel more blue.
===My daughter, Emma (8), seems to have pretty low self-esteem.===
I asked my son what helps boost his self-esteem, and he said being good at his favorite things definitely helps.
He's surpassed me at all sorts of computer stuff, and I make a point of letting him know that. I don't remember, at age 12, an adult EVER telling me I was better at something than they!
Since he isn't in a setting where he's being compared with other people, he's not always aware just how much cool stuff he does and knows.
I remember one time he was figuring out, in the context of his everyday life, something that was translated in my head as an addition or subtraction problem, but he obviously wasn't arriving at an answer the way I'd been taught to get to it in school. So I asked him how he got to his answer and when he explained it to me, I told him that was really neat how he'd figured that out without someone saying, "This is how you do that". And as he's gotten older and way quicker at doing math in his head than I, I let him know that very thing - that he's quicker at doing that in his head than I am! (and I was an "A" math student, but I need pencil + paper to arrive at my answers).
I ask for his feedback on things (like I did for this topic, for example). If I'm struggling with something he knows how to do, I ask for his help. These were not things adults did when I was my son's age, but I do them because I appreciate and respect his input.
His friends ask for his help doing things. He thinks highly of his friends, and it certainly boosts his self-esteem when they ask him to help out with something.
When he's feeling blue and undeserving, I remind him of all those things. I know for my own self that it can be hard, in the midst of feeling blue, to feel valuable and confident, and that it can help to be reminded that you are valuable and to be reminded of the things you do well.
===With her looks, she is regularly asking me if I think she has a double chin and if I think her face is fat. She has lovely cheeks and almost everyone in my family has a bit of a double chin. I tend to talk around the subject instead of answering her, but I don't want to dismiss her concerns.===
Maybe you could look at pictures of her female ancestors, aunts, female cousins, and you, all at varying ages, (especially pictures of those whom she loves dearly), to see which features are similar to hers.
You could ask her favorite family members and friends to tell which of her features they love, and why. I remember in high school being self-conscious about my short, muscular legs -- until I moved to a new school and in gym class a guy commented on how strong and muscular my legs were. From that day forward (and even now, with my legs having their share of flab!), I've thought of my legs as being strong. Last year one of my sisters-in-law commented on how smooth my facial skin is, and that helped me look at it in a whole new light. Having input from other people can be eye-opening!
Ask her which of your features she likes. If she has those same features, you could point that out.
I love looking at people's eyes, so I tend to talk about the different colors / flecks of colors in their eyes, rather than a generic, "You have pretty eyes." I remember my parents telling me I was pretty, but it was generic, never specific. I was in 10th grade before I remember someone giving me a compliment about a specific feature (my boyfriend's mom told me the day my boyfriend first met me he went home and told her he'd met a girl with the most beautiful big brown eyes -- no wonder I have a thing about eyes LOL). When I talk to my son about his physical features, I talk about individual features and what I like about them -- I hope that by doing so, when he looks in the mirror, he will notice those specific things and think of them in a positive way.
Glenda
I've thought the same thing from time to time regarding my son.
It's really only been in very recent years that I've realized that unschooling doesn't necessarily mean my son will have fabulous self-confidence or won't have moments of self-doubt.
Naive on my part, I suppose, but I'd hoped unschooling would take away for my son all of the pains I'd felt as a kid, and it was hard when I realized that wasn't reality.
===She is worried about her looks and says she doesn't deserve nice things.===
My son (12) has said, at times of sadness, that he doesn't deserve this or that, and it breaks my heart to hear him say that.
I shared that part of your post with him and asked him for his "been there, done that" input.
He said he experiences the "I don't deserve" thoughts when he's feeling sad. In talking further, the feeling-sad thoughts tend to happen when he's gone too long without eating, or he's overly tired or not feeling well, or when something upsetting has happened with a game, etc. -- external forces.
Sometimes he'll be frustrated with himself and call himself "stupid" and say he doesn't deserve ____. What seems to help in those instances is for me to say, "So if ________ [one of his friends or cousins] did that, you'd think they don't deserve ______?" -- that really seems to help shift his perspective.
He has high expectations of himself, and that's something we talk about when he feels he's done something stupid or isn't deserving of something. We talk about him cutting himself slack, just as he would a friend.
===I'll ask why and she'll say, "I don't deserve all that."===
In those type situations, I'll tend to reply with, "Well I think you do!!".
In that particular situation ("one friend and one cupcake with one candle"), I might say something like, "No, ALL your friends and one HUGE cupcake COVERED with candles!!!". In a playful & happy, but sincere, tone of voice, rather than an "awwwww, I'm sorry" voice. Because a playful & happy voice is what helps ME smile and cheer up a bit and shake off the "I don't deserve"-itis . . . whereas an "awwww, I'm sorry" voice makes me feel more blue.
===My daughter, Emma (8), seems to have pretty low self-esteem.===
I asked my son what helps boost his self-esteem, and he said being good at his favorite things definitely helps.
He's surpassed me at all sorts of computer stuff, and I make a point of letting him know that. I don't remember, at age 12, an adult EVER telling me I was better at something than they!
Since he isn't in a setting where he's being compared with other people, he's not always aware just how much cool stuff he does and knows.
I remember one time he was figuring out, in the context of his everyday life, something that was translated in my head as an addition or subtraction problem, but he obviously wasn't arriving at an answer the way I'd been taught to get to it in school. So I asked him how he got to his answer and when he explained it to me, I told him that was really neat how he'd figured that out without someone saying, "This is how you do that". And as he's gotten older and way quicker at doing math in his head than I, I let him know that very thing - that he's quicker at doing that in his head than I am! (and I was an "A" math student, but I need pencil + paper to arrive at my answers).
I ask for his feedback on things (like I did for this topic, for example). If I'm struggling with something he knows how to do, I ask for his help. These were not things adults did when I was my son's age, but I do them because I appreciate and respect his input.
His friends ask for his help doing things. He thinks highly of his friends, and it certainly boosts his self-esteem when they ask him to help out with something.
When he's feeling blue and undeserving, I remind him of all those things. I know for my own self that it can be hard, in the midst of feeling blue, to feel valuable and confident, and that it can help to be reminded that you are valuable and to be reminded of the things you do well.
===With her looks, she is regularly asking me if I think she has a double chin and if I think her face is fat. She has lovely cheeks and almost everyone in my family has a bit of a double chin. I tend to talk around the subject instead of answering her, but I don't want to dismiss her concerns.===
Maybe you could look at pictures of her female ancestors, aunts, female cousins, and you, all at varying ages, (especially pictures of those whom she loves dearly), to see which features are similar to hers.
You could ask her favorite family members and friends to tell which of her features they love, and why. I remember in high school being self-conscious about my short, muscular legs -- until I moved to a new school and in gym class a guy commented on how strong and muscular my legs were. From that day forward (and even now, with my legs having their share of flab!), I've thought of my legs as being strong. Last year one of my sisters-in-law commented on how smooth my facial skin is, and that helped me look at it in a whole new light. Having input from other people can be eye-opening!
Ask her which of your features she likes. If she has those same features, you could point that out.
I love looking at people's eyes, so I tend to talk about the different colors / flecks of colors in their eyes, rather than a generic, "You have pretty eyes." I remember my parents telling me I was pretty, but it was generic, never specific. I was in 10th grade before I remember someone giving me a compliment about a specific feature (my boyfriend's mom told me the day my boyfriend first met me he went home and told her he'd met a girl with the most beautiful big brown eyes -- no wonder I have a thing about eyes LOL). When I talk to my son about his physical features, I talk about individual features and what I like about them -- I hope that by doing so, when he looks in the mirror, he will notice those specific things and think of them in a positive way.
Glenda
plaidpanties666
"amylizkid1" <amylizkid1@...> wrote:
Maybe something loving, but unrelated to appearance. "I love you" maybe, or if she's your only daughter "you're my favorite daughter." That last one sounds strange, but in a family where humor is a way to express affection, it works well.
---Meredith
>> Any ideas on what you would've wanted someone to tell you at that moment?****************
Maybe something loving, but unrelated to appearance. "I love you" maybe, or if she's your only daughter "you're my favorite daughter." That last one sounds strange, but in a family where humor is a way to express affection, it works well.
---Meredith
plaidpanties666
This last winter, Mo wanted a "snuggie" - its like a backwards bathrobe, a blanket with sleeves. It lets you use your hands while snuggling under a blanket.
If she likes to try new foods, you could look into adding "warming spices" to your cooking or getting some candied ginger. Those actually do seem to help many people with that funny, cold-related-but-not-sick sinus reaction.
---Meredith
> Do I need to justI have a chronic cough from post nasal drip, and its much more prominent when I'm a little bit cold. I'm used to it, so it doesn't bother me anywhere nearly as much as other people asking me about it: do you have a cold? need a sweater? that's quite a cough, you should try... blah blah blah blah. So I do recommend stepping back from fussing over the cough if it seems to be something like that. You could leave out cough-drops or stock up on tea - throat soothing things are helpful with post nasal drip, sometimes, but don't push them.
> step back and let her regulate it, despite the cough?
If she likes to try new foods, you could look into adding "warming spices" to your cooking or getting some candied ginger. Those actually do seem to help many people with that funny, cold-related-but-not-sick sinus reaction.
---Meredith
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
I live in Minnesota. It is cold here!. I mean cold. I keep my house heated mostly with wood
so at night, and sometimes even during the day in the Spring when I am running out of wood, my house
temperature is not even 55 degrees. My daughter is always naked in the house. She wears nothing or almost nothing.
She never gets cold.
It was 50 degrees and very windy yesterday outside and she was out playing for hours with a short sleeve t-shirt. She said she was fine.
One time I had the heater in the car warm and it was like minus 20 outside and she got too hot and pucked all over. She cannot stand the heat.
She goes out in Summer dresses if is around 50 here. I take jackets and extra clothes with me always and have a few sets of different clothes in the car just in case. If she feels cold she asks me for it. She i years 5 old.
|As for coughing if your furnace is on it may be that the air is too dry for her. Maybe just having a vaporizer on at night in her room would help eliminate the cough.
I cough when the furnace makes the air too dry. The wood heat is much better for me I do not know why.
I also cannot sleep warm. I sleep in shorts and T-shirt and the temperature in the room has to be the most 62. Anything above that in the winter makes me too hot for a nice night of sleep and I wake up hot many times.
Hey honey put a sweater on because *I* am cold!!!!!
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
so at night, and sometimes even during the day in the Spring when I am running out of wood, my house
temperature is not even 55 degrees. My daughter is always naked in the house. She wears nothing or almost nothing.
She never gets cold.
It was 50 degrees and very windy yesterday outside and she was out playing for hours with a short sleeve t-shirt. She said she was fine.
One time I had the heater in the car warm and it was like minus 20 outside and she got too hot and pucked all over. She cannot stand the heat.
She goes out in Summer dresses if is around 50 here. I take jackets and extra clothes with me always and have a few sets of different clothes in the car just in case. If she feels cold she asks me for it. She i years 5 old.
|As for coughing if your furnace is on it may be that the air is too dry for her. Maybe just having a vaporizer on at night in her room would help eliminate the cough.
I cough when the furnace makes the air too dry. The wood heat is much better for me I do not know why.
I also cannot sleep warm. I sleep in shorts and T-shirt and the temperature in the room has to be the most 62. Anything above that in the winter makes me too hot for a nice night of sleep and I wake up hot many times.
Hey honey put a sweater on because *I* am cold!!!!!
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-Naive on my part, I suppose, but I'd hoped unschooling would take away for my son all of the pains I'd felt as a kid, and it was hard when I realized that wasn't reality.-=-
But I think the reality is it takes away some of the pains.
Friends of ours whose kids had never been in school are, this year, because they're in another country and wanted the language advantage, and to meet neighbors. They're about 9 and 11. They each confided in Holly that it's not going too well, kids tease them, and in one case a kid was punched. When she punched a kid in the face, he was nicer to her after that. My kids have never had occasion to feel the necessity to punch anyone else in the face. So that's good!
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
But I think the reality is it takes away some of the pains.
Friends of ours whose kids had never been in school are, this year, because they're in another country and wanted the language advantage, and to meet neighbors. They're about 9 and 11. They each confided in Holly that it's not going too well, kids tease them, and in one case a kid was punched. When she punched a kid in the face, he was nicer to her after that. My kids have never had occasion to feel the necessity to punch anyone else in the face. So that's good!
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sylvia Woodman
Make soup!!!! That always is my first choice for making the air less dry in
my house in the cold weather! Tea, cocoa or warm broth to help warm her on
the inside. would she wear a hat? That does lots to conserve body heat!
Wool socks? How about a cape? Just a few ideas...
Sylvia
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
my house in the cold weather! Tea, cocoa or warm broth to help warm her on
the inside. would she wear a hat? That does lots to conserve body heat!
Wool socks? How about a cape? Just a few ideas...
Sylvia
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]